Simplying life

I had a long break from work since 24 Dec, and back to office 30 Dec. I must admit though, that my mind keeps wandering to work, and I've been doing some work here and there at home, and checking my emails daily!
I dread to go back to an overcrowded life. Of rushing here and there, waking up with just enough time to wash up, read the headlines in the newspapers, dress up and rush out of the house. And then a full day of work, rushing reports and reacting to emails, then night meetings or night outs with friends. I wonder if it is neccessary to work at break neck speed. I wonder if there is an alternative to this? I wonder if this is the nature of the job, or is there simply something that can be done abt the organization?
A close colleague has tendered. I am sad. : ( and wonder how I am going to carry on without random chats and advice from him.

HY got married yesterday! It seemed like a dream. I teared during the march-in that led immediately to the worship. Cos I felt that God is so good! I recalled scenes of us in our rgs and vjc uniforms, going to cell grp meetings. I recalled our times with the ex-cell grp in CHC indeed! HY is my fruit because I was the one who brought her to church in sec 4! Since then we have grown together in the faith, and recently I've seen her faith grow so much and I'm truly encouraged. So yup, as we sang of God's goodness, I was very touched! And reminded of His presence with us from 13 years ago up to this very present moment.

It was nice on Friday doing pampering stuffs for myself. :P Heh. i.e. finding bags and accessories to match my clothes, going for manicure with HY and doing up my hair. The price to pay for vanity! Couldn't sleep well the whole night cos of the clips all over my hair. In a sense I enjoyed the luxury of spending time on this one thing and setting apart time for her wedding prep and the wedding day itself.

Managed to finish Edmund Chan's Growing Deep in God. In the book, he says we must simplify priorities. I found it hard to list down my priorities! God, family, ministry? How abt the poor, the marginalised and oppressed! How urgent are these matters? The answer really is...we can only serve out of intimacy and relationship with God. So I guess that is of priority. And I pray that in the new year, I've lots of time to do that. I don't want to rush here and there with a million tasks to complete!

Christmas :)

thankful for Christmas, the day that God sent us the greatest gift of His Love. :) Thankful for Jesus who came to save us.

This Christmas I am happy that one of my secondary sch frens, whom I've know since I was 15 prayed to receive Christ in church. It was a touching moment, walking with her down to the altar. She's fr my clique in sec sch, and since I became a Christian at 16, I've been praying for her and a few others, and have invited some of them to church before. Though this year's church drama was not like the musical dramas at CHC, it was very thought provoking, and I liked it. I liked the sermon too, peace beyond all fears; strength beyond all sorrows; love beyond all failures. It didn't promise blue skies after we became christians, but promised God's peace, strength and love amidst all our troubles. :)

Pastor Tony shared of the goose story, i.e. a man wanted to direct some hungry and cold geese into the barn for shelter, but they flew all over the place instead of into the barn. And in the end he had to carry his own goose on his shoulder, and run into the barn with the goose, before the geese flew in together. At that moment, he said he wished he could be a goose to speak to them and bring them to shelter earlier. Our God is constantly trying to reach out and speak to us. And His best gift was to send His most precious son to earth. He is a God who understands our failures, pain, fears.

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Had a packed day yesterday. :) Went to the gym, and had lunch with my gym instructor. It was interesting meal over fish bee hoon, cos we come from such different backgrounds and usually only communicated in the gym.

After that I went with HY to her bridal studio to pick up her dress and my bridesmaid dress. She looked beautiful in her wedding gown. And I'm so happy for her & Shane!

After the dress, I met Delia for tea. Delia is a teacher/officer from GB, and we got connected cos she brought her sch girls to Cambodia on a trip this year! I really liked her enthusiasm, care for the girls, and love for God. Towards the end of the conversation, I asked what church she was fr. To my amazement, she has been coming to CEFC for the past few months. :) Recently I've been meeting to many CEFCers and seeing a certain kind of ple who flock to the church. Tkful for the time of sharing.

Ended the day at my uncle's house for Christmas dinner. Gosh my cousins have all grown up! Going into JC, Uni etc, and dressing so funky. Teased one cousin that he looked like JJ Lin with his cap.

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In search of that perfect wedding dress (Bridesmaid!)....

Looked ard the shopping centres and couldn't find any that made me go Aha! This is the one. Though not a exact parallel, but some resemblance to finding the other half. Not abt finding one who is perfect, but one who fits in the way he is supposed to fit.

Next year looks pretty challenging at work as well. Prayed and shared my anxieties with God. As I shared earlier, I wish for someone to walk with me this journey. But I'm thankful for a place of intimacy between Him and me. And for new friends that I've gotten to know. They have been such a blessing.

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If you are buying me a Christmas present....

My wish list....
Its a bit too late now though!
(keke, some of the items are a bit expensive, you can always contribute to a voucher)

1. White Musk Shower gel from Body Shop******
2. Sports gear, e.g. nice dri-fit tops or three quarter bottoms
3. Birkenstock sandals
4. iPod Dock with radio
5. Christian books (deep and thought provoking ones. You-can't-go-wrong authors are Elizabeth Eliot, C.S. Lewis)
6. Books on development & poverty eradication
7. A HUG!
8. A card of encouragement

Sigh...actually most of the items look expensive! heh!
no. 7 and 8 are always welcome. :)

I see Grace

I see Grace by New Creation Church

Jesus my help,
I call on Your name!
I cast my cares on You.

Jesus my hope,
My tower of strength!
My faith is found in You.

I see You pierced, wounded for me,
When I look to the cross, I see.....

I see grace,
Sealed by Your sacrifice.
I see love reaching for me.
Precious blood,
Washes and sanctifies.
Healing flows,
Setting me free.
I see grace.....

Bearer of sin,
Afflicted and tried!
You paid redemption's price.

Bearing my curse,
You've set me on high!
Your death has brought me life.

I see You pierced, wounded for me,
When I look to the cross I see.....

I see grace,
Sealed by Your sacrifice!
I see love reaching for me.

Precious blood,
Washes and sanctifies.
Healing flows,
Setting me free.
I see grace.....

Travel Journals

Had the time, space, mood to write again this time at Indonesia. Here are excerpts from my notebook:
10/12/08
Landed at Jakarta at 9 plus. Was picked up by our Indonesian partner, and travelled for 1 hr before we riched a beautiful big house. This was the house of one of the board members. It was so nice and comfy, and I got to stay in the daughter's room as she was in America. I thought it was generous to let me stay in the daughter's room.

Thought of what a difference it makes if I grew up in this kind of environment. But 80% (maybe) of the population lives in abject poverty. Do they? Is it wrong to be rich? Do we need to be rich to give to others and to supply resources for the work? What if I stayed more simply and gave more? How simple is simple? God determines the hearts. Can rich indonesians give to their own kind? Definitely!

11/12/08

We took the morning flight to Pontianak (Kalimantan) to a christian school in the village, for the village people.

Education-
Realised today that if education was a means to share the gospel with the people, and to uplift the people out of poverty, then learning how to run a school is very important. There are so many aspects to consider, like syllabus, quality of teachers, a sch building etc. In Singapore I take it for granted that schs have good teachers and structure etc. That's why it didn't dawn on me what good Piaget (an established sch in Medan using Singapore syllabus & teachers) was doing and why they would want to follow the stressful singapore education system.

Villages-
Saw that we passed by countless villages, now that I've seen many different villages, people look similar in villages cos they don't have much. The kids usually have no clothes and the homes look like they are built from zinc & wood.
Thought of this whole thing about economic progression and the transition from a village to city; from cottage industries to industralization. I wonder what's the price to pay for these! Does the progression come naturally? Who would reach out to these ones found in forsaken places that requires long drives into villagers? God has not forsaken these ones. Perhaps, change is best brought about by their own kind, i.e. rich indonesians who understand the language and geography better. And what then do we offer these ones? Education? Livelihood skills? If education, the the importance of schools.
I was touched by MIKA & GB & TPMC building this school for - as the newspaper article said- the "disadvantaged". Giving youths, children an opportunity to learn. This school was the outcome of a vision.

Worship-
I loved the way the kids (youths/students) play their guitars in small groups and worship God. Its amazing, lifting up our voices to the same God who holds the universe.
This is a school with domitaries for the youths. There are currently 320 students in the school.

Positions in the marketplace-
It makes sense to encourage these ones to pursue excellence, cos that comes from God. To go for positions of influence in the government, business, education etc. Cos that's how change can take place. How does this balance up with my original idea that not everyone is a Daniel? Maybe the importance is on the focus and intention. Being a Daniel so that I can effect changes in the govenment. Not so that I can be of status according to human standards. Not success for success's sake. Does that make sense? But a life of possibilities, the seed of greatness in each person, to fulfil His God given potential. The aim- To glorify God. The means- To influence. Radical influence. Must this influence be obtained positionally?

12/12/08
Simplicity-
I've said often that we should live simple lives. I change my words. The measure of godliness is not by how simple a person lives, but by how much he loves money. Why do I say that?
2 years ago when I shared this with a friend, he said, how simple is simple? Who measures that? I was upset, and insisted we shd live simply. But this trip spurred me to think a lot of things. I saw the life of the well to do businessman and his sincere love for people and generiosity. Do I fault him bcos he lives in a nice big house in a place of poverty? How did he get this house? Who paid for it? How much does it costs etc? Do I know the ans? No I don't. Hence I say that the true measure if not how simple one lives. But rather, God is the one who judges the hearts. And at the end of the day, the poor can be a miser becos he holds on tightly to money. While the rich man dispenses of his wealth freely to those in need.

13/12/08
The essence of faith is not that God works according to what we want, but we trust that the outcomes are what God wants, and it is good.
K (my fren from indonesia) and I both saw the goodness of God. God showed me this verse (2 COr 1:8-12). I must say I despaired of life during some periods this year. The verse says that so that I know it is God who delivers, and will continue to dliver, so that we may not rely on ourselves but on God. I know, what I went through was far beyond my ability to endure. But it is God who has delivered me. And yes, He will deliver again.

14/12/08
Because from Kalimantan, my next flight was at 9pm, I was invited by our Indonesian partner to his house. The generiosity of this family touched my heart. They didn't have a lot but treated me to a meal and let me rest in their son's room. I realise that the measure of a man is not in how much he has, but rather what is the stronghold these things have on him. That the son didn't complain that someone was going to rest on his bed showed me that the parents taught their son how to share and care for others. Not to be owned by possessions but possessions for usage.

Thought of the other partner and his house and his generiosity. And the doctor who let us rest in his house, gave the keys to his neighbours to prepare the house for us. Its really real life sharing of possessions. Thought of my own background and how much sharing is unthought of. How it has limited my view of hospitality and sharing.
Help me Lord, not to be stingy but to be a good steward of the possessions that You have freely given.

My heart feels pain that I dropped my contact lens (200 dollars for a side! But its 2 year old already) today....Pray that the new lenese can be made at a cheap rate. ;)

Of weddings, friendships and growing up...

It was kinda surreal today. Went to the Bridal Shop to try my Bridesmaid dress, as my best friend Huiyun is getting married on 27th Dec! :) Saw her wedding photos and went to her in-laws house. Such a lot of details to fuss about the wedding preparations. I'm amused and happy at the same time because my friend since 13 years old has grown up. ;p I feel a lump in my throat...

It has been another challenging work week. But I also saw God's providence in different ways. Esp at points when I felt so stretched that I didn't know what to do, but He knew and provided. So giving thanks for that. I miss the luxurious time of just sitting there to contemplate about God and life. At times, I wished I had someone to walk through this time with me, to process with me, and to talk about the things that are happening. The someone doesn't have to say many things, just has to listen and to ask questions. I'm dying to talk about the things that are happening, cos everyday there's just drama going on in the office. And so many exciting things happening in the fields overseas, so many different open doors. And then so many disappointing things too that happen in the organization as I relate to different people and situations.

At other times, I think this is a season of growing up. And learning to be my own friend. Learning to know God as my Father and my friend.

Reading Pastor Edmund's Growing Deep in God has been good. He wrote abt prayer not as a resource, but prayer to find God. I really want to have that close and intimate walk with God. But I also yearn for intimate friendships and people I can grow with.

His grace is sufficient for me

I experienced grace today and the whole week. ;)
Little things, like a church friend asking me if I needed a lift to woodlands church tmr, and will pick me up from my house.
Like my boss empowering me to make decisions, and affirming that "this poor girl's hair must be dropping off".
Like dinner tonight for GreenLeaf- our social enterprise related to GB, a comforting company of people from GreenLeaf, and good food.

As I took the bus fr Harbour Front back home (tho the MRT would have taken less time), I passed by Shenton Way- my old office building, Lao Pa Sat, and other places I used to frequent. It was the same route from NUS back home as well. Poignant thoughts popped up.

When I came home fr work at GIC, the thoughts on the bus would be: Is tmr gonna be another day of systems and numbers?
No...it came a day when tmr became more than numbers.
That sense of liberation...of His opening doors to something I always wanted to do, made me feel touched. The sense of God's hand upon me through out gripped me. I know He is in control- The God of how much more.

According to my faith...

I find it a bit hard to blog these days. =D But I'm dropping a line here....just for my avid blog readers.
Was walking home today...felt that God seemed to be reminding me of Feb, when I fasted and prayed that God will change my parents hearts so that I am able to serve Him.
Distinctly, He seemed to be telling me, He answered my prayers according to my faith. That FAITH to believe in Him, and the FAITH to want it.
Three things have been bothering me: Stress, anxiety (fears) and loneliness. A lot of it comes from the nature of work here.
But I know that He will answer according to my faith. I qualify that statement.....it's because God is faithful to His word, even when we are faithless, He is faithful.
Pastor Edmund shared abt many of us being in the wilderness on Sunday. As I examined it, I thought of the Words of promises God had given to me. But I don't have the faith to trust Him. I grumble and I complain...
Its not to negate that life has been difficult. But along with the thorns in the flesh, I've experienced much of God's faithfulness as well. The way that people and resources suddenly appear amazes me.
Managed to catch a movie last night w Jac, tho we both agree that the movie was disappointing! Sing to the Dawn....didn't provide much depth to the characters. Before that, I managed to run for 20 min on the threadmill....went to the steam bath and all.
And it reminded me of what I learnt at IDT, that it is not about slowing down, but about centering down. Want to hear from God and center down on His will. Remind myself of His promises.

不凡的爱

I've been feeling particularly discouraged and tired for the past few weeks, and the past few days has been really intensive. I feel up to my neck choked with work. And thank God for my friends who have been bearing with my complaining and whining. =D Yah, work has been really difficult for me, and I'm going thru a stressful season.
But no, in this blog I'm not going to be complaining, but sharing some things I did while at Jakarta and Jogjakarta over the weekend for work with my boss! =) We started on a 745am flight, and came back 12am on Sunday, so it was very intensive and tiring. But we really did meet some really good people.
In particular, we went to this rehabilitation centre for the disabled http://www.rehabilitasi-yakkum.or.id/ It was particularly touching for me, seeing the disabled singing and dancing, with joy and pride =) There was this tension, cos I didn't want to feel pity. What I really wanted to be able to do was to look at them human to human, and appreciate their singing and dancing. So I was thinking about what I really felt. But what really welled up strongly on the inside was thankfulness for the love that the christian organization showed towards the disabled. They also have work in Nias, and the director said due to the earthquake, many became disabled, even tho they cld be treated, ignorance caused people to become disabled. And then marginalised, and rejected of proper education. =S

So anyway we had meetings with a school as well, to discuss plans for our ministry. On Sat night, I only slept for abt 3 hrs! And by the time I got back on Sunday, I was zonked out. And Monday I felt very melancholic....and tired...and alone in my work. I'm not sure if it is a spiritual attack, but I think due to the nature of the work, it really gets tiring....and supportive structures are very important. I wish I had my peers to discuss my projects with.

Emotional resilience...is something I hope to build up.

So ending this post by giving thanks......for little minor concessions. A impt meeting was last min cancelled, so I got more air to breathe this week. And then some proposals are going on well.... Exciting opportunities ahead for the ministry. =)

I like the current drama on Channel 8 now, called By my side (Bu Fan de ai), a pun on the male lead whose name is Fan. He got AIDs due to sleeping w a prostitute 6 years ago or something. And it really shows how irreversible some mistakes are. But this drama really made me think abt the stigma that people with HIV positive go through, and it makes me wonder how much I myself would accept them. Its something that I really want to pray abt bcos the ministry to the marginalized often involves dealing with people HIV positive, many times bcos they are victims of child prostitution/forced prostitution etc. It was strange today Getreal! was talking abt Philippines women who got tricked into prostitution, and I was watching it over dinner. Strange bcos my dad rarely watches such shows, and the documentary timing fell right smack into my dinner timing. =D

So here are some reflections I have for the day. Tmr its another day of intensive work with a night meeting, and I'm stressed. But I am thankful, and I shall trust in God's faithfulness to see me through. I pray He will speak to me afresh.

That very first joy...

The first joy of seeing the kids with rosy cheeks
The first joy of hearing a little kid say I am pretty
The first joy of seeing chinese with hands lifted up high in worship
The first joy of holding the hand of the lady we helped built houses for
The first joy of singing worship songs in chinese....then in Bahasa...
The first joy of praying for the lady in the corner, crying

Oh Lord..
Help me find back that first joy of serving You.
My heart is weary...my body is tired....
But my life is Yours. And I believe in You.

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Still don't manage to hit the quota of daily words...the office is quiet...except for the ocassional talk with M which I am thankful for...
Last minute things to do....deadlines to meet...smses late in the night and early in the morning and on my off days asking me abt wrk.

It seems so much easier to be a volunteer. And I am whinning to God.

What I am thankful for...
Exciting projects coming up...Lives getting impacted...women getting employed...children getting educated.

Of sickness, weight-loss and nightmare....

I've been ill for the past few days...started with some indigestion, then diarrhoa. :S Been feeling weak! Went to the gym yest, and the instructor asked me to stop after 30 min, cos I was weak, cldn't lift the weights nor do the climbing machine properly. heh...and we did the in-body thing, and my muscles weight decreased! Overall I've lost 1 kg of weight. Not sure if its due to my sickness or due to the busyness at work!

Yah...so I've been feeling tired again! I know this keeps cropping up. Sigh, i wished I knew the solution to being perky and refreshed. I think its really tiring even if its just a normal work week, as by the time I get home there is so little time to do anything! And even if I sleep at 12am......its 6+ hrs of sleep, and it doesn't feel enough!

Last night I had a nightmare, of a turtle biting me. When the alarm clock rang, I thought that the turtle was still biting me, and I had to make a conscious effort to wake myself up, and to my relief realise that it was a dream. Lots of pent up anxieties.

I don't know how...Pls keep me in prayers! =D

Vengence is mine- says the Lord

Just came bk from WL's wedding dinner! =) It was nice at a restaurant in Labrador Park, with a live band. So happy to meet all my ex-colleagues again. I miss them! Its comfortable to be in an environment whereby I can be myself. I think they bring out the extroverted and crazy side of me.

Last week, I almost wanted to react to an email. While talking to my colleague, I almost teared! It was due to an accumulation of vented up frustration. I gave myself up to 6pm, for God to speak to me, otherwise I would react. And then at ard 545, a VCF senior whom I hadn't been talking to for some time suddenly msged me! And I chatted with him and told him my situation. Thank God that he processed my feelings with me, and adviced me against reacting. I prayed and committed the situation to God, and told Him that vengence is His (Thank God also for the reminder from another friend in the morning).

The other interesting thing was, I finished reading 3 Kings by Gene Edwards just the night before. I wanted to read it since mths ago, was prompted by the Holy Spirit to read, but didn't. In the end I finished it in one night, since it was very easy to read. Its a very thought provoking book that analysed Saul, David and Absolom. Sometimes we face Sauls in our lives and we think we are a David. But actually sometimes it is due to the Saul nature in us that we view others as Saul. Maybe that Saul is a David instead. But whatever the case, God is the one who anoints His leaders, and He has a reason for bringing certain people into our lives. And God treasures brokenness in our lives. I wonder how much more gotto break on the inside of me.

Thank God anyway that I didn't react that day, and prayed. The next day, I felt an increased compassion, and that oppressive fear was gone. =) I'm thankful that God allows crisis in our lives, so that He can set us free, use us more, draw us close to Him.

What really matters??

I usually have some anxiety before I travel for work...this time is no different. =D
Feeling the stress...even though it will just be one weekend at Aceh. Some plans are not firmed up yet, and I feel worried....
Thank God for frens who are praying for me, and listening to my venting =)

Do pray for me pls!

2 days ago I installed some anti-virus software, and my comp suddenly went mad...basically my profile got corrupted, and my docs and emails all disappeared. Though I know its somewhere in the C: drive. I was a bit upset....but not THAT upset. What got me upset....precious email correspondences with frens, social enterprise documents, some pics that had not yet been saved, my thesis....etc etc...thank God it was all in the C: drive.
So anyway, mum prayed for us, and I was a skeptic, standing behind the comp, but praying inwardly as well. And suddenly, everything came back! My profile cld be loaded and the settings all set properly. =D It was amazing. And thank God for my mum's faith.
So anyway, I realise that nothing is permanent. But what got me upset abt losing at that time...indicates the things that matter to me...
Thank God I still have my faith in JESUS. =)

So...I'm starting to sound incoherent...and I want to get my 7 hrs of sleep.....this has been an untypical post of sorts!

I really want to know Him...

Life has been busy!! Saturday I had three meetings in a row, starting from 9am and ending at 7pm. I've been averaging 5-6 hrs daily. And I am so exhausted. Even on sundays, I have to wake up at 730am now for church, since service now starts at 10am, and its at Woodlands!

Glad for last night's time for dinner and meaningful conversation, I was so blessed that Ed managed to show me things that I didn't realise abt myself and about God.
This afternoon it was lunch with DG mates, then my favourite step boarding class at the gym. And then tmr is my off day, and I realise that Wed there is a public holiday hurrah!

Exciting things are happening at work, but also terribly challenging. I'm still passionate abt it though. And I told my fren today, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else now, or I can't think of anywhere else that I rather be. Cos in spite of the challenge, there's this underlying motivation underneath. And yup....thinking of women getting trained in livelihood skills, children getting taught....expanding into different parts of Asia, makes my heart leap for joy. Pray for me...again, I am not embarrassed abt asking for prayer, bcos prayer must be the anchor to everything that we do, and resources are tight in every aspect, the work can't be accomplished if I just look at the physical realm. And together with progress comes spiritual warfare too.

I'm learning efficacy, not efficiency. Becoming more and more Covenantal in thinking. I realise it applies a lot to my job. Cos there's time limited issues that must be resolved, so being the Type A person that I am, I feel very anxious....really worried about things. But then I also realise that some things are not abt being efficient at all, but trusting in God's timing.

At a meeting on thur nite, my boss very joyfully and excitedly said that serving God was easy, bcos it was God who put all things together. There was so much joy when she said that. I cld sense this "knowingness" she had with God. I felt a mixture of feelings at the same time. Really, just longing for the same sense of knowingness and intimacy with God, that I may say with JOY, nothing to worry about anything, GOD is sovereign and in control. But daily....it is a taking up of the cross daily, to cruxify the thoughts that are not life-giving. To give thanks in all. And gratitude, is the antidote to negativity. =)

So yah...hope that my inner life with God will continue to grow. Hope to know His love that casts out all fears, to know the depths, the heights of His love.

Trusting in God's hands

I'm feeling the stress at work as the coming week and Oct looks busy. =p Just confirmed I will be flying to Indonesia for 2 trips during the mth, and I am excited! But at the same time there is so much to plan, esp for one of the trips. And the daily coordination work for the teams going to Cambodia fr Oct to Dec remains, well I also must figure out how to ship 25 monitors and CPUs to Cambodia as they don't have boxes (anyone has lobang to ship computers). And then to not be reactionary and plan long term processes and workflows....I'm stressed, and have dreamt about work a few times already.
And....the signs...I'm doing work on my off days, over my home PC. Thinking abt work in my mind and planning stuffs.

Though, today's reading of Isaiah was so appropriate. Abt quietness and rest, trusting in God, and not in the strength of horses or armies.

Dear God, help me not to take things in my own hands, but to trust and rest in You.

Do pray for me! =)I need it.

Was encouraged during the service on Sunday. When leadership was defined. I was glad that it was about knowing "I can't, but God can", and accepting responsibility for God's calling. Realise I'm a very unwilling leader, but all it takes, God seemed to be asking was- Are u willing? Its a paradox that restedness does not come from avoiding responsibility, but it comes from acceptance of it, and knowing that it is God who has called and He will accomplish His plans.

Restedness

I'm supposed to be studying for my IDT test tonight- bible memory verses and other concepts, but I ended up watching TV, and then went to hunt for treasures on my Facebook Fluff pets. =] Tmr I am on leave! Giving myself a short break, plus going to study for test.

My heart has reached a restful state. I can say it is at peace. And there are even feelings of thankfulness and silent joys on the inside. Daily I am understanding God's love. Its a very precious season of restfulness in Him, and knowing how much He loves me. I find that these days there never fails to be silver linings in the cloud, such that if I feel bad about something, almost always someone will encourage me, or something will make me feel thankful. =P Maybe I didn't notice that in the past...but these days I do feel thankful.

I've started reading C.S. Lewis's Four Loves. Prior to this, I was reading another book on friendships and relationships. It is pretty enlightening defining the different kinds of love I must say. Though in the past, I kind of just lumped them all together. And even more enlightening to know of the vast LOVE of God. C.S. Lewis in his introduction said that as humans, we definitely feel some form of "need-love" towards God, instead of "gift-love". That's so true, because no matter how we try to be noble about our love towards God, ultimately, we are recipients of His gracious love.

In last sunday's sermon, I enjoyed Pastor Kay Kiong's expounding of 2 Corinthians, whereby he talked about God gives the most of all. Its only when we are receipients of God's love that we can give of God's love. He shared a story of this mynmar missionary who lived on US$35 a month, and yet he adopted 4 kids with his wife. U know...christians who demonstrate this kind of love...the only reason they can do it, is because they have experienced the grace of God, and have understood (really understood and received in their hearts) the love of God. And ultimately realise that it is God who has given the most of all. Yah, and ofcos God's work will never lack God's supplies if we do it in His way.

I'm starting to enjoy work as well. Today we had a prayer meeting, and one of the experienced staff who quit, and came back to help out, prayed a very long prayer for our ministry and the poeple and all that. As she prayed, I felt the presence of God strongly in the place. I was encouraged by the depth of her prayer and I can tell in order to have this kind of prayer, she must have spent time with God in her own prayer closet on a consistent basis. I pray that I may carry God's presence into my work place as well, and carry it to the places where I go, carry it to the volunteers who I meet and speak to. Its sweet that not just one person, but a few persons prayed for me abt my job, edified me in one way or another....so even though it is not a very easy journey, I am assured He is with me, and I'm growing on the inside.

Yah...i pray i may bask in His love, and truly understand, "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Eph 3:17-19
I pray this for the ones I love, for my dear frens. And for myself.

Thankfulness

Met up with some youths (and the slighly less youthful but still younger than me :) ) from my ex-cell grp yesterday. =D
We had Popeye Chicken at the airport.
Thankful for the happy fellowship we had. Of being able to enjoy each other's company!
I miss them so much. Miss hanging out with them and sharing about Christ together.
Good to see how each one has grown! And to reflect upon what has passed. At one point of sharing, I felt Jesus in our midst.

Came home and after i had settled down with my bible and Camomile tea, heard noises below at the door. Went down to survey the door but saw nothing. And then suddenly I had this thankful feeling that everyone was safe at home. And became thankful that I was blessed in my comfortable home. So many things to be thankful about but I've been like complaining and whinning about stuffs!

There was this fear that shrouded my room. I was not sure why either. But prayed through, sang songs and quoted scriptures until it became more peaceful. These days spiritual warfare seems to be quite strong. But that only shows that I am helping to advance God's Kingdom. Praying for protection against fear and anxiety, and a deep sense of His abiding presence. =)

I've been blogging a bit more than usual this week. Thankful in a way...that I can articulate what I think again...

What I really hope..

It's simply mind boggling thinking of how to fit 16 teams into our schedule within 3 months in Oct to Dec.
Different teams with different agendas- but mainly, to expose the young girls/youths to poverty and the world out there beyond their comfort zones. =P
We will acheive this objective well-enough. I really hope that it doesn't just expose them to poverty, but that they will have time to reflect and apply what they have learnt when they come back.
I wish that I could conduct training for them. If I knew how to do so...
Sometimes I wonder if their "children" programme really helps the children. I really hope we meet some needs of the people there.

I hope what is being done matters...even if it is picking up one starfish at a time from the shore.

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Didn't sleep very well last night, woke up intermittently. Like at 4am....5am....6am...and then it was time to wake up for work! :P
I'm feeling the stress at work. Partly cos I have high expectations. But partly cos there are all sorts of structures that need to be put in place. One job that does admin, accounting, PR, communications, coordinations. ;p
Passion....pure passion drives me...
I wished sometimes tho, that I were the one going for the community service trip. I kind of miss being there with the children and the youths....
I wished sometimes I were leading the youths going there...so I can do some reflections and sharings with them. ;p

Sometimes I wish to be just dreaming by the beach......sleeping....drinking my Camomile tea and reading my good book...
Sometimes...I wanna be the super hero...slaying the giants and killing the evil ones. Let justice and peace reign. Yeah. =)

In all of the times, prayer is the thing that moves mountains, that fights the battles...that are won not by horses and strong armies, but won by the Spirit of God. ;p

Fulfilling a destiny

I watched one of the most wonderful movies yesterday night- Kung Fu Panda. Guess where? Yup, we watched it at the Leaders Empowerment session in church.
There were so much life lessons to learn from it. Even biblical lessons. I felt God spoke to me in a very personal way thru the movie.
Po- a fat panda who dreams to be a Kung Fu master, sells noodles in a shop with his dad. He knows nuts abt Kungfu, but somehow Master Wu Gui chose him to be the KungFu master. Shifu- a mouse with powerful Kung Fu skills, was tasked to train Po, so that he could fight Tai Lung- an ambitious leopard. Shifu and everyone else thought Wu Gui was crazy to choose the fat panda. When Master Wu Gui was telling Shifu to believe in Po- that he had a destiny to be the Kung Fu master, and only Po could defeat Tai Lung. Distinctly, God whispered to me "I believe in you". I was touched because in the end, Po did defeat Tai Lung, by being himself- whatever he was wired to be at the start -chopsticks, food, and woks-and most of all, he was certain of his identity as Kung Fu master.
Really, at the end of the day, it is not abt our own strengths, but it is about our calling in God. Whatever God has called, He will fulfill. If only we knew our identity in Him.

Crazy busy and tiring week prior to this movie. But a series of divine meetings and words from different ones, affirmed God's calling for me at this time. Met my own "Master Wu Gui"s in the office...people who believe in me. And actually at the end of the day, whether people believe in me pales much in comparison, to the Great God who believes in me, who sees the potential within me. Even in those days when I feel like a clumsy fat panda.....He sees something more. I don't have to be anyone else but me. Thank U Lord.

Bday reflections

It was a nice day yesterday, had lunch with a group of friends from church at Fish and Co for my bday, and they treated me for lunch, as well as got me a slice of cake! Was glad Diana and Shar came to join us. So it was a juxtapose of old and new church frens. Then they sang me bday song as well. After tat I went to the gym. And then before long it was dinner time, at Holiday Inn buffet with my family and relatives. =) I introduced Camomile tea to my parents, and my dad kind of liked it! When I got home, realised the souvenir cum bday present tat Diana had bought me was a pack of Honey Vanila Camomile tea. So happy for the thoughtful gift, just when I was thinking of Camomile tea! Spent time talking with Ed and praying, as usual was grateful for the insights.

And today, I went back to GIC to meet up with my ex colleagues. I miss their company so much. Met my ex boss who said, U must come back more often. :) I met up w HY who baked me a cake and got me a World Vision T-shirt. Always got a soft spot for WV, and the cake was sweet in my mouth. Had good chat with Des over dinner as well. So all in, it has been a good time of meeting with people.


Yup. I am thankful for life's various pleasures that I get to enjoy. Camomile tea is one of them! But yup, I've tasted Jap, French, Korean, Chinese, Western (and more) Cusine in lovely settings. I have a gym club membership. I stay in a nice house. What more do I want? (World peace would be good =) )


Ever since working in my new job, it became clearer to me than ever that I was a very pampered gal. Always had everything provided for by my parents. However in my new job, I am required to be sharp and quick and resourceful. This baffles me many times, and I feel so inadequate. Pray for God's grace and strength to do things beyond what I can do.

Yup...and I'm finding myself getting tired more and more often. Part of it has to do with negative self talk that depletes my energy. But then another part of me wonders if it is time to drop anything, bcos Pstor Ed says that if u are overloaded, u cannot build deep. And its true. I wish that I could spend more time on building deeper friendships with some people, impacting lives in a deeper manner. And other than that also have time for good books and lots of reflection time with God.

After all the hussle and bussle of activities, what I really long for is a deep fellowship with God. To read my book and be quiet. And another thing I'm praying for, a close knitted community to share lives with.

But one thing that comforts me, what God calls us to do, He will provide. Don't know how it will work out. I pray that His strength may be sufficient for me.

Comforting thoughts

I haven't blogged for a while so thought I would sneak one in.

Its a photo blog....to show 2 photos of my workplace.

This one is the entrance to my workplace blding. I like the cross at the top and how it looks against the sky.



I'm learning the grace of God upon our organization, even as it struggles with our human and systemic imperfections. Yet the organization continues to exist for its reason to fulfil God's plan.




This one is a photo of my cubicle. We shifted cubicles one week ago. And I thought God answered my prayer for a quiet and more sheltered corner, whereby I can have more space and reflect and work better. So thank God for answering my prayer. The photos are from Cambodia- postcards I bought for fund raising. And there's a framed up picture of my mission trip to C. Both sets of pictures are to remind me why I am here. Without a vision, the people will perish.

Now zoom to something at home...
A picture of a sheep soft toy that my fren gave to me recently, plus the dog soft toy my sis gave me after I failed driving test 4 years ago. It reminds me that I am dearly loved.

Everyday we are alive, is a gift from God. Learning not to sweat the small things, or to place too much importance on how people view me. But at the end of the day, I want to treasure my loved ones, my family, my close friends whom He has blessed me with. I want to remember that He has given me a dream.

Lastly, this is a song that really touched my heart. Because I am reminded that Jesus was everything, but most of all, He is love:

Third Day, Steven Curtis Chapman, Mercy Me - I See Love Lyrics

Some see a teacher
Standing on a hill
Speaking words of wisdom
Some see a healer
Reaching out his hand
To give sight to a blind man
Some see a dreamer
Wasting his life
On what can never be
Some see a fool
Dying for his dreams

But I see love (I see love)
I see love (I see love)
Light of heaven breaking through
Well I see grace (I see grace)
I see God's face (I See Gods face)
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you
I see love

Some see a prisoner
Alone before his judge
With no one to defend him
Some see a victim
Beaten and abused
With all the world against him
Some see a martyr
Carrying his cross
For what he believes
Some see a hero
Who set his people free

But I see love (I see love)
I see love (I see love)
Light of heaven breaking through
Well I see grace (I see grace)
I see God's face (I See Gods face)
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you


With your last breath
I see love
Through your death
I see love
I see peace in the eyes of the king
I see hope in your suffering (I see love)
I see a calm in the center of the storm
I see a Saviour

I see love
I see love
Light of heaven breaking through (heaven breaking through)
I see grace
I see God's face
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you
I see love
When I see you
I see heaven breaking through
See Gods face
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you
When I see you
When I see you
I see love
I see love
When I see

Some see Him walking from an empty grave

Be thou my vision

Its amazing that July came and went, and now it is August. Time flies...

My spirits have been down of late due to various reasons. I'm feeling tired too often. : ( And the mood swings really go high and low.

About few days ago, two cats found their way into my kitchen, and over turned the dustbins in search of fish and I had to shoo them away. Even tho the two cats were cute, and I absolutely like cats. The two were like a pair of partners in crime, giving each other eye contact before they scampered off. Another one of the two came back again gingerly. I was washing the bowls, and to my amusement, the cat was sitting there quietly staring at me. Had to shoo it away again. Mum doesn't like cats in the kitchen, and if I give them food, they will come again and again.

I found something in this episode that parallels life. Sometimes, u can't have what u really like, cos the situation makes it so.

On Fri night at prayer, edmund shared about giving back the blessings to the blessor, because sometimes we get so caught up with the blessings, that we miss out on the blessor. It was a very sober msg, because unknowingly, or knowingly, we hold blessings tightly and refuse to let them go. I had to give back a few things, it didn't feel that painful at that point, cos I think I've been praying and asking for God's grace to give the blessings back to Him all along. The painful part is how this giving works in daily living, the daily consecration of one's heart and mind to be seeking the blessor and not the blessing. He quoted something from CS Lewis, "if you aim for heaven, you get earth thrown in, but if u aim for earth, you get neither. "

Singing "Be thou my vision" today meant a lot to me, that it brought tears to my eyes. The lyrics say "Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart, Naught be all else to me save that thou art ". Really, to tell God that nothing else matters except You, it brought tears to my eyes. Because...I know I meant it with all of my heart, yet in a very imperfect way. But God understands the struggle.

And so now Lord...will you be my vision, which after peeling away all the onion layers, is the deepest cry of my heart.

Waiting For You

Back fr the gym, had a good workout and tried the steam bath for a few minutes. =)
Switched on my comp, and played the song "Waiting for You" again. Its truly therapeutic. The flood gates opened again out of nowhere.
Because, love is, wanting the best for the other. And knowing that God is shaping the heart. The best may not be each other, who knows? But love means being willing to let go for the good of the other. It means entrusting the things u love to a faithful God who loves.

Waiting For You
John Lim & Clarissa Chng

Her:
Restless heart can’t get to sleep again
Thinking back to all the days I wasted
Empty doors one blank page after the next
Always knowing something better was ahead

Him:
On my own calling to God again
Asking Lord please take away this pain
Is this truly how you want my life to be
Father please don’t turn your face away from me

Then in the quiet of my soul
Jesus whispered the song I one day will know

Chorus

Her:
Every moment led me to you
Every night spent hoping for love
Every cry to God who was shaping our love in His hand

Him:
Every heartache waiting to heal
Every tear spent longing for you
Every day I’m seeing what I now know to be true
I was waiting for you

Together:
Break of dawn my heart is alive again
Looking back yes Jesus had a plan
All the times I thought it might had been too late
God was moulding me for someone worth the wait

Him:
Then in the quiet of my soul
(Her: Deep in my heart)
Jesus whispers the song that I now truly know

Her:
Every moment led me to you
Every night spent hoping for love
Every cry to God who was shaping our love in His hand

Him:
Every heartache waiting to heal
(Her: God has healed my pain)
Every tear spent longing for you
Every day I’m seeing what I now know to be true

Together:
Every faithful beat of my heart
Every memory waiting to start
Every road to come back God will lead us to each‘otherI’ll be waiting with you

Leaning on His grace

It has been a tiring week, and I am experiencing the fatigue. Boo. Feel that it is difficult to keep my eyes open and I feel so sleepy! :P Tonight I am going to the Singapore Flyers with Jas, won the tickets cos of my Japan tour. I'm looking forward to it.

In spite of the busyness, tight deadlines, stress, separation from loved ones, tough relationships at work, steep learning curves and all (I could rant on and on), I experienced God's grace this week. I think He is bringing light into the darkness, and clarity to many things about my life. Past memories keep flooding back. Past decisions, hurts, sadness keep flooding back. And He is healing those areas. Just holding me in His big loving arms, and showing me that I am His beautiful girl. =) Its really lovely and sweet. Its like His grace buffering me up in the air. Thank God for friendships, like my ex-colleague who smsed me and asked How I was, out of nowhere. She felt a burden to sms me. That encouraged me, cos I knew it was God who had remembered, and remembers me. Other then that, Im also thankful for some colleagues at the office, esp M for his encouragement. :) And yup, for the course I am attending now every wed, the group has been a pillar of support. Its nice in all, to be on the receiving end. :P

So yup....I am trying to keep awake now and to plough through the emails that are flooding my inbox, that needs to be replied with lots of tact, love and wisdom. TGIS.....its Sun tmr and then Mon break. =)

Tmr is the last service I am attending at Bukit Panjang. Next sunday onwards, the church is starting a new service in the Woodlands building, and I will be moving to Woodlands. There are plans to reach out to the schools ard the area. There is a sense of dejavu because for the 8 years I spent in CHC, we moved 2 times. And yup, I had poured lots of heart and money into the building at Jurong. This time things seem to move so fast that I have yet to reconcile the mixture of feelings on the inside. I don't seem to be thinking too much about it, subconsciously it is the bad memories that I don't want to recall. But it is not in shutting out the past that we receive healing, but really in reconciliation with the past that we can move on with the future. Its the same not just for church, but also for relationships. The words spoken that had hurt, the people whom I cherished, these memories have to be faced. And yup, may He bring new beginnings and directions as I let go of the past and look to the future He has in stored. Amen.

Single-minded pursuit

I haven't been blogging here for some time. =) Maybe one day I will just merge my spiritual blog with this, cos sometimes hard to segregate spiritual posts out. Everything abt life is linked to the spiritual. ;p

Other then being busy with work, I've been going to the gym! =)Did u know that when u exercise, it emits Endorphins which is supposed to make u happy?

I'm in a very precious season in my life, having a work which I am passionate about, a ministry to serve in. Thankful for that. I could like emerge myself in work, and be consumed. But I am guarding myself from doing that. One thing I really like to do in this season of my life, is to learn to abide in Jesus. To have a heart that belongs to Him, that pursues Him, and is satisfied in Him.

All my life, I've been searching and searching for significance in relationships, work or ministry. Esp in relationships, because of this yearning for significance, I find that it is easy for me to develop liking for people. It touches my heart easily when someone is kind to me, or supports me emotionally. ;p It was only recently when I met a friend, that I realised how precious my heart is, esp to God. And how I need to guard it and not give it away too easily. I am thankful for that. =) Have since written down a list of criteria that I hope for in a man.

But this season, is precious. Just learning to let Jesus fill my heart. I pray and hope for intimacy with Him. Not significance or value in other places, but in Him. Not immersing myself in ministry, but serving from a relationship with Him. I hope to find that joy of salvation, of living, of abiding. =) I know it is Him upholding me with His grace. Thank You Lord.

Hopefully, I may also outflow His love to the people around me, and bear much fruit in ministry.

I'm excited cos this week I am going for Go Forth Conference! Will be going for the workshops, and my boss will be speaking at one of the seminar sessions on Wed. I was thankful cos last week she prayed for me, for anointing, and for my eyes to see that God had called me for a time as this.

Such a time as this indeed...I'm trusting in Him.

Joyful little things

In a course I went to at church, the facilitator asked us to think of things that made us happy when we were children. :) It took me a while to think of it. But she played this song from Snoppy called "Happiness", and I found it really nice (pardon me for lack of a better adjective ;0) . Here goes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKKjqzkGo3o&feature=related

Happiness, is finding a pencil, pizza with sausage, telling the time...
Happiness, is learning to whistle, tying your shoes for the very first time...
Happiness, is playing the drums in your own school band, and happiness is walking hand in hand.

Happiness, is two kinds of ice cream, knowing a secret, climbing a tree...
Happiness, is five different crayons, catching a firefly, setting him free...
Happiness, is being alone every now, and then, and happiness, is coming home again.

Happiness, is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime too!
For happiness, is anyone, and anything, at all, that's loved, by you!

Happiness, is having a sister, sharing a sandwich, getting along!
Happiness, is growing vegetables, playing games, singing a song!
Happiness, is singing together when day, is through, and happiness, is anyone and anything at all, that's loved bye you!

Happiness, is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime too!
And happiness, is anyone, and anything at all, that's loved by you!

--------------------

I liked the lyrics. And it made me think of little things I enjoyed as a child. Realise that in our memories, we often retain sad/unhappy memories more than happy ones. But as the song was being played, I remembered being happy as a little girl, playing 5 stones, hop skotch, barbie dolls and cooking with my sis, badminton with my parents at east coast beach etc etc. ;) I remembered a part of my life that I had chucked away somewhere.

We also talked about things that makes us happy now. ;) Wasn't hard to think, for me, it was the sea, the sky, the mountains, a book, a friend, cats....etc.

A fren named my mum's cooking for me as 爱心餐. For those whose chinese is not so good... It basically means food prepared with love. Realise that all along, I've been thinking its so restrictive that I have to come home for dinner, and if I can't come bk, I gotto tell my mum I'm not eating. But when my fren pointed out he hardly got to eat at home, I realised that it was a privilege to be able to eat my mum's cooking everyday, to have a house to go back to.

And maybe, it is just these simple things that makes us happy. Just being able to enjoy each moment, giving thanks for the little things. Those joyful little things that makes us laugh. =)
Just like that day, when the ice-cream man came to my workplace, and I ate the raspberry ice-cream in wafers (u know the one that comes in a square block?). I was so happy!

Giving thanks

I had a good weekend, spending time with various ones, and sharing the things that were heavy/knotted in my heart. Felt my soul was blessed, and encouraged. Thankful for the book on God's will that Charlene lent me. And glad that I could express deep things that were troubling me. Have started reading a few pages, and thought that it addressed some issues i was facing, and felt that it was a word in season.

Yup, today I went back to GIC for lunch with my ex-colleagues, and it was a lovely walk down memory path. The memories were vivid, and encouraging as I recalled the journey God had led me in.

And yesterday, I attended Clare's wedding. Blessed my heart deeply as the couple sang "Amazing Love" together, and after that sang the song they had co-wrote together called "Waiting for you". It spoke of all the lonely pangs longing for each other, and how God shaped them through the waiting, to finally the day of marriage. It was so wonderfully sweet, and divine. :) The food was good, and the place was posh as they had many guests of great statue. But it was not those that impressed me, but rather of how they testified of God's love thru the singing, and their wedding was a testimony of the grace & love of God. It shifted my paradigm, as I realised that God is a God of abundance, and His providence to His children glorifies Him.

Spent q a lot of time chatting with Ed as well, and was edified. Was able to express the knotty issues in my heart, weighing on me for some time. Glad that he was able to understand as he had also thought the same way about some stuffs. The really amazing thing is how he manages to articulate some of the thoughts I had, cos I am really a very "feeling" person, and sometimes I can't exactly capture why I am feeling a certain way. So I am thankful.

I think the greatest thing of all is being able to come bk to this place of joyfulness. Feel my spirits are slowly being lifted up and encouraged. As I realise and understand that our walk with God is not just about "surrender", but about joyful surrender. That surrender does not just entail sacrifice and loneliness, but it comes with the expectancy that a great and faithful God wants to bless us. That He does not just provide spiritually, but materially as well. He can grant us abundance because we are His children and He loves us.

The warmth in the heart

Got back from Indonesia on Monday night and had a warm welcome! :) Came home and slept and slept and slept until 11am. It was like every muscle was filled with fatique, and I cldn't get up! Had all the overwhelming feelings of tiredness and discouragement that I cried as I prayed. And am thankful for E.P. for listening to me on the phone and praying with me. I think discouragement is such a stealthy enemy that lurks in yr heart and manifests itself when you lest know it. Hence the importance to keep oneself strong in the mind, body and spirit.

I grew through the trip to Indonesia. It was once in a lifetime experience, and I was blessed by the people there.

My key takeaways:
1. It is not about our sacrifices but about God's faithfulness. I saw the faithfulness of God in individual lives, truly, it is only Him working in our lives that brings convictions and change.

Part of my prayer journal:
"Lord, I discover that such short term trips are not just about me feeling burden or pity. But truly, what really captures my heart during such trips is being able to see Your faithfulness and Your mercy and love so abundant. And seeing changed lives that have been impacted by You. You seem so much more real in these lives because of the manner in which they have really changed in terms of their values, lives, purposes- all so Godward."

2. God loves me as I am, and I do not need to keep striving to meet expectations of myself and others.

Felt very stretched and stressed before the trip, cos I felt I had to write a report with recommendations of what we shd do at Indonesia. And I was the only staff, plus the 4 other people going with me are 20-30 years older than me. The schedule of what we were going to do was not confirmed, and it was basically an exploratory trip. But thank God everything fell into place, and my companions were very gracious indeed.

Felt God assured me not to care so much about what people said, but He loved me- and I was His child.

3. Building relationships with people and being intentional in spending quality time with people is important. These are really great ministry opportunities.
Thankful for the guest house we stayed in, which had a living room with sofas. Visitors came to our place and chatted with us over tea, coffee and milo. And it was edifying taking time to share our lives and to hear their testimonies, and to pray for them. Thankful for Audrey who facilitated most of the sessions and was never in a rush to finish the chats- one of which ended at 11plus pm.

4. Relating to family and to older authority is not that difficult.
I think I experienced a mini breakthrough. Cos 3 of my companions were my parents age, and 1 other was in her 40s. At first I was worried about being the only young person there, of how they will view me, or how I shd react, or how I shd try and be more mature, and will I be lonely? Ofcos in my heart I missed having my peers to share with. But they were all kind, and in their kindness, I felt respected as an adult, and I was thankful for the healthy boundaries. It was kind of cosy, like a family.

Yup...and there are many more. Little thoughts here and there that warmed my heart.

Indonesia- I'm coming...

Tmr morning I am going to Indonesia. I feel a mixture of excitement and stress. I realise that being a staff on trips is quite different from being a volunteer.
As a staff, the stress level is much higher as I have to think of deliverables from the trip, and provide the answers for people. Hand in reports, recommendations and so on. Whereas as a volunteer, there is perhaps more energy being spent on ministry and reflections and looking at things.
I hope I wont be too caught up with administrative stuff either, or be overly self conscious, and have loads of time for reflection for God to speak to me. =)

Looked through loads of photos today at office, and writeups of various short term trips. The photos remind me of why I am here again. And yup, I like the energy of the volunteers. Somehow tho, I just feel like its not enough. There's a feeling inside like- can short term trips do much? One group comes and the other leaves, and each grp leaves behind some warmth and love and friendship. I really hope that it makes a difference. I know it does change the short-termers hearts. I hope the projects are sustainable in the long term as well. And that ple don't just leave feeling good that they had done something. But lives change, and they start living changed lives. Sigh. This is the perfectionistic and idealistic me surfacing.

One thing really to give thanks for, my parents position on my traveling has improved tremendously. And they are pretty concerned about me as well. I'm glad I waited for the job, waited for the miraculous approval from my parents. Because of this miracle, I am much more at rest tat even tho I sometimes feel tired, this is the place God has opened for me at this time, for this season. Likewise in all aspects of life, I am learning to wait on Him for His timing. He spoke something tho- that all good gifts come from Him. =) Thank God for His beautiful gift. May everything be made beautiful in His time!

Identity

Its sunday night again. :) Good to know that tmr I don't have to work!

Not very sure what to blog about, am struggling through some times of letting go of something that is precious again, and cos my fren reminded me of a post I had written 2 years ago, I went back and re-read it. The emotions then were very real, and I remembered I was crying as I was typing. Time doesn't heal, but grace and God coupled with time does.

Grateful for today, being able to pray a closure prayer, tho with much pain in the heart. I know I can so-called bounce back again hiding behind the cheery smile. But this time I really want to work through the pain, because God cares for my emotions a lot.

Silly old me got the time wrong for our meeting today, and so did another DGL. So I was chatting with him for about 1 hr plus as we waited for the meeting. In a way it was a very edifying time for me, cos he was asking me a lot of questions about my mission trips, my job, and the people I had been counseling. He is a few years younger than me and a very good listener. So as I was talking, I felt on the inside, wah, what a journey God has brought me through. And I was surprised by my own life, in a way encouraged to look beyond the problems and to remind myself of God's faithfulness and the uniqueness of my identity.

I think God reminded me of my identity while we had devotion at work on Thursday. As we quietened down and prayed, He showed me the smiling face of my JC fren. And somehow the memories of who I was flooded back. Since I don't know my colleagues that well at work yet, I am quite quiet at work. Whereas in GIC, I can be rather noisy cos I am close to the colleagues, and I think they appreciate my jokes. ;p And then there is this idealistic side of me, a lot of visions & dreams on the inside. And the reflective side that thinks too much. So I've been trying to repress who I really am, because I am adjusting to a new environment. But yup, I think I shd just be myself and be happy for who I am.

I often take a long time to warm up with people. Maybe more so face-to-face. Cos when I was younger, I think my opinion was sometimes shouted down at. So I have a lack of confidence in voicing my views. It is only when I know I am in a safe environment, that I share openly how I feel on the inside. That's why blogging, emailing and msning is so much easier for me to share. Even in church and in previous work place, I think I took more than 6 mths to a year before I finally can show my true self to them. But then again, I don't show all I am because some thoughts on the inside I feel are quite radical and diff from social norms. So when I finally meet someone who understands, it is really like finding a pearl and I just open up cos I know I am in a safe environment.

However, actually I think I am just a very simple person in a way to know. Or u can say I am pretty boring. ;( Just a cuppa tea (camomile pls), a book, a blog, a fren. Or the beach. Or the stars. Or a hug. Makes me happy. There's nothing much more I desire I think...

Today Pastor Kay Kiong shared this quote "happiness is not happiness unless it is shared". Truly, thats how I feel. I long for a community whereby I can share. And if not share, actually sitting under the stars with the same unspoken heartbeat and vision is enough. I am a true romantic at heart. :)

So anyway, I'm feeling more cheerful now, having typed until here. =) Thankful that my xiao mei smsed me and asked me out tmr cos she wanted to talk abt stuffs. And I was like aha! Yay, someone whom I can talk to. But still. The silence is quite deafening sometimes.

Contradictions

I'm at home on a Friday night cos there is a one month's break for IDT! :) It feels kind of weird. But these days, I feel a bit anti-social, and I like staying at home reading books, surfing net, watching TV, and praying! :P

Cos the office is so small, there's less than 10 of us, some days I feel like I don't finish using up my quota of words. Sometimes MSN and smses during working hours really help! Time seems to pass by slowly but somewhat fruitfully. ;) I really like the projects that I'm reading up on everyday! So that kind of fuels me. Plus the faces at Cambodia that stick somewhere up in my head, really spurs me to go on in spite of all the other challenges I am facing at work.

So actually I am in need of meeting ple to chit chat after work! Actually I've got many many frens and I am like always busy. But to find a really like minded fren to share with, that is like finding a precious pearl!

ha...I'm probably getting incoherent, cos actually I am rather tired! I wake up at the same time everyday as when I worked at GIC, but I reach office 30 min later. That's how far the journey from home to office is. And sometimes, office feels so secluded, like it is sheltered from the movement of time. Before I know it, it is 630pm and it is time to go off. I wonder how long I will be in this job? Hmm. Is it not a good sign to be wondering this? Well, actually I am not unhappy, I feel v at peace. But I do wonder, what's next after this? Cos afterall, I wanted to take up this job to explore abt future, prepare my own heart of the possibility of becoming a missionary, and my parents' getting used to my traveling. Hmm. But whats next? I really don't know. And I think it is not something I need to know now! Its like a moulding period of just waiting...being shaped.

I'm flying again! From the 12-16th June, will be going to Indonesia this time! Going to meet ple at the bible schools there, and explore ministry opportunities for GB. SO EXCITING! Traveling is the best part sometimes, but yet another contradiction, traveling can be so lonely as well! And getting used to new environment....not having enough sleep etc.

So this basically sums up life now. Which is filled with contradictions. :P But underlyingly, I am blessed and loved. And I am thankful. :)

Just a kind word

Took a cab home today from church after much deliberation on how much damage it will cost my wallet. ;p In the end succumbed to the tiredness of the week and oh, it is still a work day for me tmr.

On the taxi, I started chatting with the driver, and he told me about his wife having adultary, the tough time his children and him were going through, and how things were bad at his church. He told me some things his church leaders did, which made me feel really sorry for him. But then, it is only his side of the story. But anyway, I just listened to him, and at the end of the ride, I asked if I could keep his family in prayer, and he could feel free to visit my church. I thought he looked slightly touched, and I was glad to have the opportunity to listen to him.

This incident made me think of something- that sometimes, all it takes to encourage someone, is a listening ear, and a kind word. That's all someone needs. And there is so much power in a word, it can cause damage, yet it can result in much edification. :)

Yesterday, a fren sent me a sms that really encouraged me. I was so edified, and am thankful for this new found friendship whereby we can share with each other:

筱嘉，你是个简单的人，却又心思细腻，能用复杂的字眼表达你的思绪。是个善良的人，却对社会中不公平的事愤愤不平。你对生活没有要求，但在神的国镀里有着无限的理想于盼望。最后，你是个又高又黑的女孩，却不爱运动，怕晒太阳！你是个特别的女孩，我很庆幸认识你。;-)

You can feel free to agree or disagree with this sms though! But whatever it is, it really touched me. :)

These days I feel a deep sense of purposefulness at work. But yet like Joshua going into new land, there are many giants to kill. Mostly, the giants are the ones hidden inside my heart. So many fears & apprehensions. Yet God is ever present to comfort. Not sure if He sent an angel...but as I prayed 2 nights ago after a bad day, I felt really comforted by Him. And it dawned upon me something. When J and I were together, he told me that thru his love, he will show me God's unconditional love. And there I was still yearning for unconditional love, but yearning for it in the wrong places. In a relationship, the love that we give each other is merely a shadow of God's love for us, only His love is unconditional. And the Lord seemed to tell me that He can...and He will give me this unconditional love. I was glad. And happy. Even though the trials are still there, I know He loves me.

So anyway...I know He is dealing with many giants on the inside. And yup...somedays I just feel insecure and everything is like so fluid. Even in relationships and friendships, there's this insecurity that what if someone finds out who I really am, and stops loving me etc. And I think He is teaching me to be secure in Him. And to learn to love others in the way He loves me.

Stretched & challenged

I'm feeling really tired this week....challenged by relationships with people, memorising 30 bible verses and other readings for IDT test....lack of sleep, challenged by people's emotional needs, and work is also building up! Pray, must pray, must strengthen myself in the Lord. Keep me in yr prayers pls!
Sorry sorry for this needy post. :D But I know I cannot sustain myself without God & divine intervention. Lets uphold one another in prayer and u may let me know yr prayer requests as well!

Lovely faces in the crowd

Hello! I'm back from Cambodia! :)
This won't be a long post cos I've got loads of stuffs to do! Woke up today, unpacked my stuffs, uploaded photos to the comp, went for lunch & groceries with parents, and then slept....and my gosh! By the time I woke up it was almost 6pm. I am so tired!

Since the nature of my trip this time was slightly different, not really missions, but more so to view the projs & needs there, it did feel different. And shall not elaborate here, but faced some challenges. Nevertheless, I think it is good time for me to toughen up and not be overly sensitive over things. I feel a mixture of being overwhelmed, and yet a deep sense of excitement at the potential of the diff projects! I'm kind of looking forward to work tmr. :)

Its also weird when passion & work mix together, cos now as I am at home, looking at photos and reflecting, some of the reflections are related to work too. So in that sense, also need to ensure that I do set apart time to rest!

This time after reading books and learning abt missions, I actually intentionally spoke to the missionaries there, and tried to encourage them. It is impt cos they are like the unsung heros that are forgotten. Whenver teams go, they just do their ministry and treat the missionary like a travel agent or something- who plans itinery for them. Very bad!

Again, I was touched by little children playing and singing songs (some worship and praise songs too!), and remembered the verse where Jesus asked us not to stop little children from coming into His kingdom. This poverty of the spirit, and purity of heart, certainly blessed my heart a lot. And the glory of God! Singing songs in diff languages to Him. =) My only fear is that these little children become nameless faces to us. We took numerous photos of the kids. Sometimes it felt like tourism. I have a desire to get to know individuals- their names, their likes and dislikes, their hobbies, their passions etc etc. Which I know at my level I will perhaps not be able to do it. But really, I think a sponsorship program may be up soon, and we can link up sponsors to individual children, which would be really so meaningful.

We visited the slums, the villagers by the river, an island, and also the pdn centre- whereby women are trained to sew and weave to produce lovely bags. Oh yes, I bought a bag for myself. :) Its really lovely! If u are interested, u may also come by my office to get the bags. http://www.villageworks.com/product/our_product.html

I don't think I will share that much on the projs that we are doing here! Due to it being work. But if u are interested, do catch me offline!

Cheerios..

2 photos of individual children who were more than a crowd.

Boy sharing biscuit with his brother. :) From the way they ate the sweet treats, I knew that they hardly had opportunities to eat biscuits and sweets. I loved the simplicity and the sweet spirit there.

Girl who gave me her coloured drawing. :)

The eve before

I couldn't help the slight anxiety as everything came together, meetings and packing...and tmr I'm flying! And today I had a slight flu. Just feeling a bit tired. But I'm thankful now, for some moments of sitting at the computer, to be able to blog, to listen to worship songs, so settle my heart.
Tmr morning its work, afternoon meeting, go home pick up bag, then go airport. ;p

I'm physically a bit challenged, but I am excited cos i will get to see the projects I have been reading about for the past one week. God is challenging me to let go off things, as I am still desperately trying to be in control of diff situations in my life, this need for security and assurance and edification is strong. ;O

Updates on work!

In the office right now! We have to work on satudays but off on mondays. I can think of some plus and minus points for such an arrangement! But anyway it is not something I have control over. ;) The week feels a little short, cos saturday doesn't exactly feel like a working day. Plus I heard on Sat they usually have events going on. So yes, time passes. In my new job, I am even more conscious of how I spend my time, because I know my salary comes from donations. And so I try not to slack too much. ;) However, for the first one week I have been here, I've not been too busy. Just been reading up on documentations on projects, compiling it into a spreadsheet summary. Starting to follow-up on some issues here and there. Basically the time has been good, as I also surf into sites that introduce Cambodia, and also sites of various NGOs in Cambodia or other places. It has been encouraging, inspiring and uplifting to hear of such stories. At the same time, heart wrenching to look at photos and to read into Cambodia's history. If u have time, look at photos here: http://www.julian.li/cambodia/
They grabbed my heart big time. ;p

Yup, and so it has not always been good, there were also low periods. Shan't elaborate here. Its just been a little difficult cos of the transition. Most of it does not have to do with external influences, but more of my expectations about things, and adapting to a new environment. I'm learning learning...

I'm looking forward to next week because I will be going to Cambodia to visit the various projects and ministries there. I am really super excited. Will share photos when I'm back. =) I hate to take aeroplanes tho. ;p

Seee u!
I'm *zonked out*! ;o

Myanmar Crisis

You could donate through World Vision, understand from the news today that WV has been in Myanmar for the past 40 years, so has a existing r/s with the govt. They are sending in medical supplies.

http://www.worldvision.org.sg/cyclone-nargis-08-2.html

To donate:

http://www.worldvision.org.sg/st_newsroom.php

Want to encourage us to give....One of my ques on giving is, how do i noe the ple will receive this money that I am giving (e.g. corrupt govt etc). Was watching the news this evening right after I had this thought and they were interviewing WV about how they had been in Myanmar for 40 years, and the govt trusts them etc. Sometimes we just gotto give in faith and not allow our skeptism to prevent us from doing anything . :P

Lets pray..... 22,000 seems like a number to us...but it is 22,000 precious lives...

Bitter- Sweet Beginnings

Thought I would just update a bit of how work has been! Today was my third day of work. I don't work on Mondays, but have to work on Saturdays. :)

Work has been bitter-sweet, or sweet-bitter? The good thing really is I am surrounded everyday by projects that are close to my heart, GB has a presence in schools, orphanages, slums, dumpsites etc. And I feel blessed reading the documentation thus far. ;p Also, GB is located away from the maddening crowd. The low-rise housing against the blue sky is idyllic. Makes one take a step back to appreciate life. Everyday I eat low priced food like prawn mee, teochew porridge, you mian. Which is unlike in my old work place whereby we go to cafes and restaurants q frequently. Haha. Is that good or bad? U guess? :P It helps to save money, makes me full, and I guess weekends I can look forward to richer meals.

The more challenging part is to adjust to the culture in a social org. There's a lot of things going on, and documentation is not wonderful. Have to sieve through many emails to find out the history, and also, people are too busy to teach me. So that gets a bit challenging. Plus it takes slightly more than an hr for me to get to work. So it is pretty tiring. Have to pray for God to guard my heart and to grant me strength.

haha..so here goes...this whiney little girl...who shd be counting her blessings. ;P Update again soon!

Snippets of Japan & other Linkages

Came back from Japan yesterday morning around 130am! It was a turbulent flight, and I felt scared. Always had some air sickness here and there. Feels like I'm suspended in mid air, and the plane may suddenly plunge downwards, or it may hit something and burst into flames on the runway when it is about to fly up. ;p

I'm not really intending to write a blog about my travels, like day 1 what we did etc etc. heh. I will upload my photos on Facebooks later, with some captions. ;) Just felt like writing today some random thoughts here and there.

Woke up this morning, feeling really happy. It was this holidayish mood. Same kind of feeling I had as a sec sch gal, waking up in the morning on a school holiday (e.g. Dec? ) :) I felt happy & grateful. And you know what, I am looking forward to work starting on the 2nd of May. Its really a rare kind of feeling for someone to be looking forward to work. And I know in my heart that I've made the right choice.

Went to GB yesterday night for a meeting, and just sat there to listen to the projects going on. I was happy. Street kids, slums, orphanages, schs. =) Ofcos I believe that idealism remains a dream if it does not have its roots sunk down somewhere in realism. I see the cultural diff in a NGO. There's inefficiencies going on, because simply, a lot of the situations are dynamic and unplanned for. And NGOs have much less resources than companies, whether it is money, talent, manpower etc. I feel like in a way, everyday is a faith situation, whereby you have to lean on God to give wisdom, empower you to go beyond what reason limits you to.

Japan...

(1) Unlock yr dreams

I kind of enjoyed Japan, and I am a somewhat disney convert. ;) I don't mean the commercialism. I mean the spirit behind the Disney dream. It was the 25th aniversary, and songs played as mickey & minnie and loads of other disney characters paraded past us.




I liked the positive energy in DisneyLand. "Unlock your dreams"- Indeed, who would have thought that one man's dream could give rise to so many diff disney characters, cartoons etc.

(2) High Life
Another thought that I had... I kind of enjoyed the "high" life in Japan. Shopping, eating (wow, the quality of life is very high). And kind of gave thanks for the plenty. But I didn't buy the branded stuffs there, cos Im not really a branded person. But as I observed my own buying patterns, realised that I am actually quite frugal. Like I don't really need multiple bags, shoe, and I feel the pinch buying a cup of juice for 5 dollars. Anyway I saw Sunday Times had this article about being frugal is chic these days.
But anyway...I know God will provide for me. As in being a christian is not being an ascetic. But rather, being contented in much and plenty.

(3) Missions
Again another random thought. I saw the linkages between the countries I had a burden for, and my childhood:
Philippines- My domestic helper of 6 years was from Philippines, and we were really close :) After that we had 2 others, so in total I was exposed to the Philippines culture for 10 years.
China- Went to China several times as a child with my parents, and also visited my relatives in the Kampong in China.

As for Japan- in pri sch, a grp of them visited my pri sch, and I made a japanese penpal. :)
Actually I don't feel that much burden for Japan, until recently I heard about how the gospel will come from Asia, and one of the places is Tokyo, back to Jerulsalem. Its quite fascinating I feel. Prayed quite a bit for Japan while we visited the different places. I'm amazed by how clean, neat things are, and how polite people are. Ple still need the Lord.

Japanese fathers are such family men. The way they care for their little kids with such gentleness and seriousness. =) I can imagine my heavenly Father caring for me in the same way, so it was interesting seeing the parallels.

So anyway.... I feel that I am still a very "homely" person as well, cos I like sleeping in my own bed, eating my mum's food etc. So I prayed and asked God, if He really calls me to a certain country that He will make it very clear to me. And perhaps China, Philippines or Japan are good choices since I feel comfortable in these cultures? Hmmmmmm.

P/S: China 's landscape and scenery is much more beautiful in my humble opinion. :) But I've not seen the mountainous parts of Japan that much yet.

For the First time

Had a few first time experiences over the past few weeks:
1. Killed my first cockroach. Just killed my second cockroach 2 days ago.
2. Lizard in my wall above my bed. I actually prayed for it to go away, and it moved after some time to the window and disappeared.
3. For some reason, on sat night when I got back home, my parents room window was mysteriously wide open. Before I left the house it was closed. I was home alone, took an umbrella and insect repellent (to spray into the eyes of any intruders?). But thank God there was no one, and everything was intact. Maybe the wind blew.

Hope to train myself up for third world experiences. ;p Must stop being a da xiao jie.

4. I'm going to Japan tmr night! :) For a one week holiday. hee. Its on of the little luxuries I've given myself before my new work begins. As u can see, this first time experience is a bit incongruent with the above.
Take care folks.

Farewell GIC!

Finally have some quiet moments to pen down my thoughts. It has been quite a busy week, and I'm rather tired cos of lack of sleep. But I am thankful and happy!

Last fri was my last day at work, and I felt so loved by my colleagues!

Actually on Thursday, we had CF, and I thanked God for how He blessed me for the past 3 years in GIC. 4 main blessings: Fellowship, grace, favour and trust (teaching me patience and trust). At the end, they gave me a box, and in it was some photos we had taken together as well as farewell notes from some of them. I was so touched!!
On fri, I gave out some bookmarks etc to my colleagues. And had one of the most satisfying lunches- You Mian and Avocado Shake at Amoy Street. Really, I am one easy gal to please, as long as u give me good company. =) But yes, these 2 food items had been my fave from Amoy Food Street.

After lunch, ard tea time, my colleagues asked me to go over to the round table- the cosy corner we always have our chats and food. And there was a spread of egg tarts, chicken pies, cakes, ice-cream. Food bought from all over Tanjong Pagar.

This is my division :)
Made my rounds to take photos. Have uploaded them into Facebooks.

Received some other presents...including a samsonite luggage bag, which was really sweet. :)

Then last night, I had ba cho mee, oyster omlette, sugar cane and bbq chicken wings with another good colleague at blk 85 bedok. ;p

So now I am happily tired. And tmr begins the first day of my liberty. Hooooraay.

Surprised by joy

I'm in the last days at my company, Friday is my last day of work. Yesterday, I experienced the same joy that griped my heart at Balai. Fellowshipping with the people from Healthserve and just being there, in the heart of geylang, amongst the people whom God loves, made me very happy. I am deeply touched by the sacrifices and love of these people towards the marginalized. And I am encouraged by being in fellowship with them! Managed to visit the clinic with Shar yest. And stood in the clinic as Des examined his patient, and it was actually part counseling cos the patient had some sort of psychological problem that he was ill. Talked to the founders too, and heard stories of people who walked the streets to pray and befriend people there for 1 year or 2 years. So u have the singapore version of Hedi Baker. Hee.

Ya, so this warm feeling in my heart lasted all the way from last night until today. And its a confirmation from God what truly makes me joyful. =) And so I leave my company feeling full of assurance, peace, joy and anticipation at what lies ahead. The joy that is worth more than a million dollars. In the words of a fren who works in an NGO, "You must have taken a huge paycut but you know what, it's all worth it. I know."

I feel like this is a season of fruitfulness for me. I've been really busy these few days, but I find a sense of purpose and feel like I've walked out of that valley of darkness. In a way, surprised by this joy that I am experiencing. Church has been fruitful, with loads of activities coming up for the young adult ministry. And other then that, also met a chinese gal and am hoping to give her bible studies. There's also testimony sharing this sunday at the prayer meeting on the Breakthrough weekend. And tmr, I will be sharing at my company CF about the past 3 years at GIC. :)

Well basically, life is full of possibilities now. Meeting loads of like-minded people and hearing about lots of good things that ple are doing. And I believe God-inspired things. I now have a renewed sense of the importance of prayer, because it is God who is the source of love, and He is the one who places love and burdens amongst christians. And in His own time and way, He will accomplish the healing of the broken hearted and draw all men to Himself.