My quota of spoken words has hit its limit

TGIF! =)
I realise that I have a limited quota of words that I can speak each day.
I need to be by myself, sitting in front of my comp, or with a tea or book in hand somewhere.
I need some recharging!

Light that breaks thru the darkness...

Have been feeling rather bogged down these days by deadlines and endless demands. But was listening to my mp3 player, and this song lyrics describe very well what you and I have in Christ. Freedom. And Christ breaks the yoke of every bondage, and brings healing to every broken heart.

FREE
CITY HARVEST CHURCH Key: A
Praise



WHERE THERE IS NIGHT
THERE’LL BE A SHINING LIGHT
THROUGH THE DARKNESS
SO THE WORLD CAN SEE
WHERE THERE IS FAITH
HIS POWER WILL BE RELEASED
BELIEVE AND REACH
FOR THE THINGS UNSEEN

WHERE THERE IS PAIN
THERE’LL BE ETERNAL LOVE
BREAKS THE CAGES
SETS THE HEART TO FLIGHT
WHERE THERE IS HOPE
THERE’LL BE A DREAM FOR ALL
WHERE THERE IS JESUS
THERE IS LIBERTY

AND I’M FREE
YOU’VE PAID THE PRICE
FOR ON THE CROSS
MY SINS ARE WASHED
I’M FREE
TO SING YOUR LOVE
AND DANCE WITH JOY
YOUR TRUTH HAS SET ME FREE

FREE --- YOUR TRUE LOVE HAS SET ME FREE
FREE --- IN YOU I’VE FOUND MY LIBERTY

My calling

It has been another challenging busy week of late nights and somewhat sleepless nights as my brain keeps churning. Yet God has been good to me, continuing to show me things after the church retreat last weekend. :) Thank You.

I feel tired, but I don't feel unhappy. In fact I can now analyse things from a clearer perspective.

I begin to realise what He has called me in the past was not to be a leader per se, but rather it was His promise that He could use me in spite of my inadequacy and lack of eloquence. It was this promise that I needed to get back to.

So as I seek Him to find out my calling, He is showing me that this calling is not whether I am suitable to be a cgl or not. But this calling of being His child, His disciple and His chosen one, anointed & empowered to preach His word, to be a light to the Gentiles, which is His calling for every single christian.

I used to write many letters to people, this was because I couldn't convey to them verbally what I felt deeply in my heart.

Ha...one big round and reminder all over again of His dear love for me. :)

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Had a packed day today, went to company for a course, then gave bible study, then went to dept bbq, and then at night wedding dinner. :) Feel at rest now, tho was v stressed yest night that I didn't sleep well. Have course and work for 2.5 weeks, which is v siong. Is this what life is about? I refuse to be sucked into the mundanity of work life.
Anyhow, today met up with some dear VCF frens as it was B and G's wedding. So happy for B. =) God has brought him a long way in this journey. Anyway....my table was all married couples, and C even brought her baby girl!
So all that thinking again about how I shd go on living the rest of 3/4 of my life. This time though, with no judgmentalism about how others led their lives, rather, asking the Lord abt my own life. Whether it is getting married, working in corp world and have kids. How much time will I have after kids and working? Hmm....how shd I balance my time? How does He most of all, want me to live my life?
And ofcos this envious feelings towards those on the table, having someone besides you to share food with, and to take food for. :P And yar...Just surrendering these thoughts to the Lord, may He sanctify it and guide me for the years ahead.

It has been interesting week, meeting some socially conscious ple as well. New linkups. New things ahead. And a deep assurance in my heart of His everlasting love for me.

Breakthrough weekend

Breakthrough weekend has been simply amazing. =)

I've published the blog entry here:

http://journey-in-christ.blogspot.com/2007/06/breakthrough-weekend.html

Chiefly a christian entry if u are interested. =)

I find that my positivity as a 18 year old has come back after the spiritual bath over the weekend.

19 year old...

Hmm, this period is really bad for me, filled with deadlines and things to do. My plate is overflowing!

Been feeling down and tired. Yest, I was saving my counseling proj file, and stumbled upon an old diskette. No one uses diskettes these days, but no thumb drive with me yest.

Wah, and I saw a couple of files in the disk that I totally chucked to the back of my mind. I wrote some devotions to my classmates in JC back in 2001. Some of them were rather inspiring. =) The words of a 19 year old me. I shall copy and paste some of them when I get home- hopefully my internet will be up by then! 19 year old me was so full of hope, zest, positivity.

25 year old me....is more mature & contemplative & less judgmental and I like myself for that. But 25 year old me is more jaded & disillusioned in the face of demands fr the whole world, to stand up once again from failures & defeats. Somehow I miss the certainty & positivity in my 19 year old world.

Still in office doing up reports! This month is horrible for me. I hope that I can pass through this with the grace and strength of God.

OOhhh well...trade off for the 3 day break at Batam starting from tmr. =) Heh. Happy.

The process of waiting...

Just back from the pre- women's breakthrough weekend meeting. Next weekend I will be at Batam with 205 ladies from church. I'm looking forward to the solitude time with God, a good long 3 days set aside to seek Him, to align my direction with His plans again. =)

I wonder if it is going to continue to be a trend, around 2 weeks of exhilarating joy and thanksgiving, followed by 2 weeks of unrestedness and lostness. This seems to be the pattern that recurrs. Haha. :/ How? I'm thankful that God is still faithful and gracious towards me even though at times I can become so unthankful. So I shall count my blessings here. ;)

It has been a busy weekend, yesterday Mee, the other gal I'm nurturing at church came over to my house for bible study. =) Definitely one of the thanksgiving item for this whole nurturing relationship that started since Jan. Preparing the bible study this week on Church was also a time whereby God spoke to me through Romans, about humility, everyone in church having their own roles, being sober about oneself and not lofty, not thinking of one self as better.

After that went to meet my counseling proj group to discuss the proj. After that went to BluJaz Cafe for Chon Wee & Joy's wedding dinner.

Monday, I received a fat bonus letter haha. It made me a bit stunned, but the words were encouraging from my boss once again. Which ended off with, its gonna be a bz year...this is to encourage you to work harder. So this comment created some tension within me...some sort of pressure...

I'm not sure if money means a lot to me. haha. ;) I'm wondering what to do with this money...maybe I shd use it to start an orphanage..i wonder how much that costs in a developing country? ;) Maybe its not enough to start one la...but imagine how nice it will be to see yr money go to some substantial building, or a well, a school or something. But then again, shd I save up in case I really change jobs down the road? How?

Oopsss....a thanksgiving blog twisted to the other direction of lostness again.

When will this quarter life crisis end?

Maybe it is not the final point that God wants to show me, but this whole process of thinking through and waiting on Him. :) It is learning to fix our eyes on Him and knowing that He is faithful.

Tracing back the roots

I think it started in pri school, when we had this helping yr junior kind of program whereby I gave tuition to this pri 3 gal while I was in pri 6. I enjoyed the experience guiding her along in her maths. =)

I joined interact club whilst I was in sec 2. It was not just a second fiddle option after I failed to get into the netball school team (sulk) and was relegated to the netball club. Ha...but I enjoyed interact club, going to the Singapore Children's Society weekly in sec 2, and going to Jervois Special School weely in sec 3-4.

At JC, I didn't do much interact club activities, but nevertheless, I told the whole world I was going to study psychology at UK. During that time, there was a speaker at church who talked about impacting the business world, and that fascinated me, with ideas of talking to men in suits and business jackets. And I knew I wanted to do something vaguely related to psych and business.

Took a turn and studied business instead of psych. And whoa, coming to know "social entrepreneurship" in my year 2 internship at MCYS blew my mind away. Finally something that linked up business to social stuffs, a vague link and notion that was always there in my mind.

So it was social enterprise...I wanna be a social entrepreneur kinda thing. Or maybe corporate social responsibility...this aspect also showed me the possibility of combining business & social aims. And then gotto know Banyan Tree & Claire Chiang. Started wanting to do a business like hers, where I get to go to villagers and empower the people there to do crafts etc, to be self sustainable.

After I met J, this notion of social enterprise got steered to another aspect. His passion for the poor convicted me to look further into scripture and books to find out God's heart for the poor. After 1 year of searching, I can finally say that this conviction of God's heartbeat for community living, sharing and stewardship of money, is a conviction of my own, and not of J's.

Physical needs aside, this heart for meeting emotional needs remained. I feel for the marginalised, the sad and rejected.

A friend broke up with her bf recently, and as her tears fell on my shoulders, my heart almost broke with hers. On the same day, a colleague said he felt life was meaningless. Emotional needs.

Physical needs & emotional needs. So many empty hearts, so many hungry stomachs. For some time, I feel so overwhelmed. Can man live without God?

Studying the part time counseling psych dip has been good.

So here I am, in the financial sector & studying psychology. Maybe this was what the vision was about? Maybe I had to go through this journey to appreciate what SOCIAL entrepreneurship is about. Still have many more years ahead to go.

Stillness

I had a long long weekend starting from Thursday! =) Realise that the workholic nature still pops up somewhere, and I feel weird really doing nothing. Its weird to be still, weirder to be shopping leisurely, weirdest to be hanging out with friends without having to rush off to somewhere else after that. Haha. I guess I kinda enjoy the rushing about, almost like an adrenaline rush. But the weird thing is that I still feel kinda tired and sleepy..and almost like I don't really wanna move anywhere, just wanna be at home, with my book/guitar/ice cream in hand and snuggle up somewhere to not think of anything.

The concern about what to do in the future has been surfacing up for the whole week, and I don't like to be in this valley of indecision. Maybe its because all other surface problems have dispersed like mum is walking now, though with a slight limp. Sigh. Really dislike it. Maybe it is because I have difficulty taking responsibility for my decisions. What should I do now? Dear God....pls lead me in a clear manner...pls pls pls lead me....

Oh anyway on a happier note! I've managed to meet up with my sec sch frens again after such a long time. And we went for KTV, singing our teenage era songs like Tracy Su, Xiao Hu Dui, Andy Lau, Eric Moo (whom I "idolised" for a few years) etc. Heh. The flood gates come opening.....our blue pinafores and short boyish hairs. ;P