OOops...have left my depressing sickly post on for almost a full week! Just to let u guys know that I've recovered (yay!). I've been really busy for the past few days. Just finished a counseling psych on-the-spot assignment (phew!), even though I had not read the text book. ;)
I moved today from one location in the office to a new spot. Yup, 1 Feb signifies a new start in the Process Management Office (PMO) for me. I am a little apprehensive, and I will miss my dearest colleagues. But yar...change is good. :)
January 2007 came and left. Time to leave old things and to put on new things. Lotsa new opportunities lined up for this year. Lots of ple who know my interest in "community work", and hence opening up new doors. heh. Actually, I think my passion is more for the marginalised, as opposed to community service as a whole. Its the diff between children and elderly versus abandoned children and elderly I guess.
This sat will be cleaning up some one room flats under Habitat's Operation Homeworks! Yeah. :)
Shall get some rest as tmr is the start of my new job. Havent been sleeping too well...think my mind is filled with too many things.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Under the weather
Woke up intermittently yest night while sleeping..or should I say this morning? The clock showed 4am, and it was very very cold. Grabbed the blanket and burried myself inside. Body felt hot and feverish. At this feverish state went back to sleep, and woke up for work. Dragged myself to prepare for work though I felt horrid. Have a meeting today with my new boss, and farewell lunch for myself. But on the way to work, felt giddy and like puking on the bus. Visited the doct's at the office and decided that I was too giddy to stay for the meeting and lunch, so went back home. Collapsed into bed and yeah had been sleeping till now.
I have food poisoning, causing fever. :( Feeling emotionally vulnerable, every muscle in my body shouting tiredness and leading to this state of forced rest. Feels so good sleeping and resting actually. ;)
Couldn't help remembering what one of the judges in Superstar said abt women. There were weak women and strong women. There was also strong women who had their moments of weakness. Couldn't help feeling that way in my state of giddiness and faintness...feel tired fighting against the world. I feel so weak & tired.
May the Lord grant my body good rest. Bring healing and restoration.
I have food poisoning, causing fever. :( Feeling emotionally vulnerable, every muscle in my body shouting tiredness and leading to this state of forced rest. Feels so good sleeping and resting actually. ;)
Couldn't help remembering what one of the judges in Superstar said abt women. There were weak women and strong women. There was also strong women who had their moments of weakness. Couldn't help feeling that way in my state of giddiness and faintness...feel tired fighting against the world. I feel so weak & tired.
May the Lord grant my body good rest. Bring healing and restoration.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Hope
Faith, Hope and love- abide in this three.
Been talking so much about faith and love that I've forgotten about this element of Hope. Which is a crucial part of life. The bible also speaks of how hope deferred makes a heart sick, but when it comes, it is like a tree of life.
I think people are often depressed because it seems like there is no hope or way out of the situation. Yes, have faith, yes love others. But what good does that do to people unless also we give them hope? Speaking of good news to the poor- is telling them of faith and love, and yes, there is also hope in the midst of the darkness, and a future that they can look forward to.
Was so encouraged yesterday by W, as he called me after cg and we talked about God, and he shared about how he hoped that christians can move into the community. For faith also includes outward actions. And he also invited me to join a group that prayed for missions. More than anything, my heart lept up in resonance with this vision. About how he wanted me to also think of activities to expose young adults to the community. Yup, have been passionate about social entrepreneurship, poverty and missions, but up till now had not been able to link up those with church activities. And, suddenly felt that this is another open door for me. But more than that, getting to know like-minded individuals who have a similar passion, whom I know will encourage me.
Haven't exactly set goals for this year. I hope to go for at least 1 mission trip. I hope to do another overseas community service trip for my company, to tie up with Don to go to the halfway houses in China. But most of all, as W says, we should pray. Pray pray and pray, for that is when God conditions our hearts and show us His heartbeat.
So there is hope. Actually I've to admit that things have been looking so bleak for me, that I've lost sense of this hope. No rays of sunlight...just filled with burdens for people. But was at Bintan at my co. retreat, and reading a devotion- which said to pray for faith that God will do the impossible. And even though my heart was heavy, I said a prayer that God, u must do the impossible to bring salvation to a world in darkness. And use me- cos I feel so weak & inadequate. The prayer essentially didn't change how I felt, but I now know God is at work with the opening of new doors. So I am thankful. ;) May this year be the best year yet.
Been talking so much about faith and love that I've forgotten about this element of Hope. Which is a crucial part of life. The bible also speaks of how hope deferred makes a heart sick, but when it comes, it is like a tree of life.
I think people are often depressed because it seems like there is no hope or way out of the situation. Yes, have faith, yes love others. But what good does that do to people unless also we give them hope? Speaking of good news to the poor- is telling them of faith and love, and yes, there is also hope in the midst of the darkness, and a future that they can look forward to.
Was so encouraged yesterday by W, as he called me after cg and we talked about God, and he shared about how he hoped that christians can move into the community. For faith also includes outward actions. And he also invited me to join a group that prayed for missions. More than anything, my heart lept up in resonance with this vision. About how he wanted me to also think of activities to expose young adults to the community. Yup, have been passionate about social entrepreneurship, poverty and missions, but up till now had not been able to link up those with church activities. And, suddenly felt that this is another open door for me. But more than that, getting to know like-minded individuals who have a similar passion, whom I know will encourage me.
Haven't exactly set goals for this year. I hope to go for at least 1 mission trip. I hope to do another overseas community service trip for my company, to tie up with Don to go to the halfway houses in China. But most of all, as W says, we should pray. Pray pray and pray, for that is when God conditions our hearts and show us His heartbeat.
So there is hope. Actually I've to admit that things have been looking so bleak for me, that I've lost sense of this hope. No rays of sunlight...just filled with burdens for people. But was at Bintan at my co. retreat, and reading a devotion- which said to pray for faith that God will do the impossible. And even though my heart was heavy, I said a prayer that God, u must do the impossible to bring salvation to a world in darkness. And use me- cos I feel so weak & inadequate. The prayer essentially didn't change how I felt, but I now know God is at work with the opening of new doors. So I am thankful. ;) May this year be the best year yet.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Leaving on a ferry...
Heh..it doesn't sound too glam, but i will be leaving on a ferry tmr! Going to Bintan for my company retreat over the weekend.
Realised I haven't blogged for quite a while- one week is long by comparison. Been feeling quite tired and sleepy... Counseling classes for 2 nights is quite siong. Sigh, and no time to catch up sleep over the weekend cos I am going for retreat.
Hmm..actually it is quite apt for a get-away. Throw aside everything and leave on a ferry!
Realised I haven't blogged for quite a while- one week is long by comparison. Been feeling quite tired and sleepy... Counseling classes for 2 nights is quite siong. Sigh, and no time to catch up sleep over the weekend cos I am going for retreat.
Hmm..actually it is quite apt for a get-away. Throw aside everything and leave on a ferry!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Faith and the lift doors
My office building lifts are quite weird, u can't press from the outside because that doesn't keep the door open. But it has sensors, and will open up when there is an object at the door. Today as I left the office and was going to take the lifts, the doors of the lift was closing.
And so the doors were closing, and the lady in front of me ran to the front. There was like 5cm of gap between the doors. She raised her hand and put it in between the gap of the doors, and the door opened! Wow, I wouldn't have put my hand in there. Even though I know that the door has sensors and will reopen. But what if...the doors jammed? What if... the sensor was spoilt? Whoa..my hand would be sliced into 2 pieces.
And then it suddenly dawned on me how this whole situation was like faith. Why faith? Cos we know that God is faithful, we know that He has on many situations delivered us. But when it comes to precarious situations, it takes a leap of faith to trust that these "sensors" will work. And work for our good. How do we know that God is not asleep? How do we know that God will not fail us?
Thats when we attempt to fix things up based on our own human wisdom. Sigh. In our anxieties. Isn't it?
Have been one of those who believed that faith was saying God can! God will! But over the past few mths, I've realised God doesn't always. Doesn't always what? Well, He doesn't always answer my prayers according to what I want! That's really sometimes what we are saying isn't it? And sometimes our prayers are like making God a vending machine. Pls God, do this for me, do that for me? Pretty please?
But I realise He doesn't work this way. Does this make Him an unfaithful God? And sometimes...the world is just so imperfect. There continues to be sudden deaths, accidents, tsunamis, floods, typhoons. I find myself asking God, why? Why must these happen Lord?
And I really don't know. The best I know is to live life the best I know how; to make use of what He has given to me, the best I can be.
I know this piece perhaps sounds a little strange. But I thought that real faith is not sweeping real issues and troubles under the carpet, cos these are really immature depictions of reality. However, real faith is only established, with the understanding that there will continue to be imperfections in this world.
Can't help wondering...how often we pray for our petty items like new handphones/mp3 players, that we get pay raises, boss likes us, working hours are reduced... I say these are petty because I weigh them compared to other issues like salvation, poverty, disaster recoveries. Its amazing what a wide range of prayer that God listens to everyday. Maybe, and shouldn't we, look beyond our own wants, and start looking at other people's needs? I think that prayers sometimes change situations, but even more beneficial are how prayers often work to change our hearts. Prayer, often reveals the condition of our hearts. And there can never be intimacy until we come close to what is in God's heart, and pray for those things.
And so the doors were closing, and the lady in front of me ran to the front. There was like 5cm of gap between the doors. She raised her hand and put it in between the gap of the doors, and the door opened! Wow, I wouldn't have put my hand in there. Even though I know that the door has sensors and will reopen. But what if...the doors jammed? What if... the sensor was spoilt? Whoa..my hand would be sliced into 2 pieces.
And then it suddenly dawned on me how this whole situation was like faith. Why faith? Cos we know that God is faithful, we know that He has on many situations delivered us. But when it comes to precarious situations, it takes a leap of faith to trust that these "sensors" will work. And work for our good. How do we know that God is not asleep? How do we know that God will not fail us?
Thats when we attempt to fix things up based on our own human wisdom. Sigh. In our anxieties. Isn't it?
Have been one of those who believed that faith was saying God can! God will! But over the past few mths, I've realised God doesn't always. Doesn't always what? Well, He doesn't always answer my prayers according to what I want! That's really sometimes what we are saying isn't it? And sometimes our prayers are like making God a vending machine. Pls God, do this for me, do that for me? Pretty please?
But I realise He doesn't work this way. Does this make Him an unfaithful God? And sometimes...the world is just so imperfect. There continues to be sudden deaths, accidents, tsunamis, floods, typhoons. I find myself asking God, why? Why must these happen Lord?
And I really don't know. The best I know is to live life the best I know how; to make use of what He has given to me, the best I can be.
I know this piece perhaps sounds a little strange. But I thought that real faith is not sweeping real issues and troubles under the carpet, cos these are really immature depictions of reality. However, real faith is only established, with the understanding that there will continue to be imperfections in this world.
Can't help wondering...how often we pray for our petty items like new handphones/mp3 players, that we get pay raises, boss likes us, working hours are reduced... I say these are petty because I weigh them compared to other issues like salvation, poverty, disaster recoveries. Its amazing what a wide range of prayer that God listens to everyday. Maybe, and shouldn't we, look beyond our own wants, and start looking at other people's needs? I think that prayers sometimes change situations, but even more beneficial are how prayers often work to change our hearts. Prayer, often reveals the condition of our hearts. And there can never be intimacy until we come close to what is in God's heart, and pray for those things.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
The New Year...
Just came back from Day of Prayer at church! It was really good setting apart the whole afternoon for God. And the message that Pastor Edmund shared spoke to my heart.
God has been speaking to me about the new year. One thing that I shd do is to pursue intimacy with Him and to really know Him. We are often reluctant to surrender because we don't really know Him, He is probably not our chief satisfier, and we probably don't believe Him enough that surrendering what we love is ultimately for our own good, and He will give us something else that is more satisfying in exchange for what we have surrendered.
Yes...so I hope to know Him better this year. This is my wish for the year. Knowing Him intimately, and the rest falls into place.
God has been speaking to me about the new year. One thing that I shd do is to pursue intimacy with Him and to really know Him. We are often reluctant to surrender because we don't really know Him, He is probably not our chief satisfier, and we probably don't believe Him enough that surrendering what we love is ultimately for our own good, and He will give us something else that is more satisfying in exchange for what we have surrendered.
Yes...so I hope to know Him better this year. This is my wish for the year. Knowing Him intimately, and the rest falls into place.
Openness
I have been finding it tough to blog these days, ofcos I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind. Emotions as well. But maybe as I grow older, I find it harder to be open to other people who read my blog. Could I share my vulnerable side? Could I share the weird thoughts I have? Would I be accepted for who I am? And will people say that I am strange?
As we grow older- as I have learnt in my counseling psych lessons, we go through a phase of "young adulthood", where I start making decisions for my life and developing independence. It is wonderful how God created each one of us different of course, which explains why people take different paths with regards to their career, family, friends choices. As you grow older, u find that your circle of close friends diminishes, because those whom u were close to as a youth have gone on different paths. Sometimes paths that u don't even understand, or paths that u can merely empatise with. But sharing your life with another is different. The sharing of how u really feel on the inside. The sharing of goals and dreams. The ease of being able to relate, and knowing the other will remain unjudgemental, the other will encourage you in your dreams. Sometimes, people don't have to keep the same dreams to share, but empathy and suspension of judgement is important.
For me, I like to talk to people who are deep. I have friends who are just happy to live life as it is ofcos. But on some days, when I can't get pass the things that I think about, I wish for someone to talk to. Not just anyone, but someone who understands and who cares for things as much as I do.
I felt angry yesterday at lunch, because there was a tea party in the afternoon, so I thought we should have a simple lunch like porridge. But my colleagues wanted to go to eat ramen which costs like 9 dollars a bowl. I mean technically there is nothing wrong with that. There were 5 of us, so it was harder to get a seat at the amoy food centre. But I still felt angry, that I had to compromise. I really don't like the eat drink and eat drink and eat drink lifestyle. This was a trigger ofcos, of different other times when we had spent a lot on eating and drinking.
We were talking about engagement rings, and someone said his gf wanted a 5K diamond ring, I commented, so expensive for what? So impractical. How many times will u wear it anyway? I will be angry if my bf gave me a 5K diamond ring. Ofcos no one agreed with me. And my fren jokingly said he will ask my future bf to buy me a silver ring,or 0.1 carat diamond would be enough. Ha.. actually I probably don't mind. But the concern really for me, is whether my bf genuinely cares for me and treasures me as a person. So it is the attitude in which he proposes. He must make some effort in proposing. So the value isn't in the ring.
Actually I don't care where I eat and drink, I care about meaningful relationships, and being with people whom I love. Be it at a hawker centre or in some crummy food stall. And I know that I need to find someone who will live that lifestyle with me. I've said many times here about how sad I feel about hungry people. I know the general advice would be not to think so much, just let it be la...or else u will be v sad all the time. Ofcos I know that too, and try and tell myself that too. So I don't really need this kind of advice.
Yup, so as I was saying, as we grow older, our paths diverge, and so do our lifestyle choices. But I do know I am the minority rather than the majority wrt to my point of view. Not that I am so proud of myself or smthing. It is a natural process though, to grow up and make a stand for who u are, the things u like to do and don't like to do. :)
I pray that I may be guided in His wisdom and love in all that I do. I pray I may not become judgemental to the other side.
As we grow older- as I have learnt in my counseling psych lessons, we go through a phase of "young adulthood", where I start making decisions for my life and developing independence. It is wonderful how God created each one of us different of course, which explains why people take different paths with regards to their career, family, friends choices. As you grow older, u find that your circle of close friends diminishes, because those whom u were close to as a youth have gone on different paths. Sometimes paths that u don't even understand, or paths that u can merely empatise with. But sharing your life with another is different. The sharing of how u really feel on the inside. The sharing of goals and dreams. The ease of being able to relate, and knowing the other will remain unjudgemental, the other will encourage you in your dreams. Sometimes, people don't have to keep the same dreams to share, but empathy and suspension of judgement is important.
For me, I like to talk to people who are deep. I have friends who are just happy to live life as it is ofcos. But on some days, when I can't get pass the things that I think about, I wish for someone to talk to. Not just anyone, but someone who understands and who cares for things as much as I do.
I felt angry yesterday at lunch, because there was a tea party in the afternoon, so I thought we should have a simple lunch like porridge. But my colleagues wanted to go to eat ramen which costs like 9 dollars a bowl. I mean technically there is nothing wrong with that. There were 5 of us, so it was harder to get a seat at the amoy food centre. But I still felt angry, that I had to compromise. I really don't like the eat drink and eat drink and eat drink lifestyle. This was a trigger ofcos, of different other times when we had spent a lot on eating and drinking.
We were talking about engagement rings, and someone said his gf wanted a 5K diamond ring, I commented, so expensive for what? So impractical. How many times will u wear it anyway? I will be angry if my bf gave me a 5K diamond ring. Ofcos no one agreed with me. And my fren jokingly said he will ask my future bf to buy me a silver ring,or 0.1 carat diamond would be enough. Ha.. actually I probably don't mind. But the concern really for me, is whether my bf genuinely cares for me and treasures me as a person. So it is the attitude in which he proposes. He must make some effort in proposing. So the value isn't in the ring.
Actually I don't care where I eat and drink, I care about meaningful relationships, and being with people whom I love. Be it at a hawker centre or in some crummy food stall. And I know that I need to find someone who will live that lifestyle with me. I've said many times here about how sad I feel about hungry people. I know the general advice would be not to think so much, just let it be la...or else u will be v sad all the time. Ofcos I know that too, and try and tell myself that too. So I don't really need this kind of advice.
Yup, so as I was saying, as we grow older, our paths diverge, and so do our lifestyle choices. But I do know I am the minority rather than the majority wrt to my point of view. Not that I am so proud of myself or smthing. It is a natural process though, to grow up and make a stand for who u are, the things u like to do and don't like to do. :)
I pray that I may be guided in His wisdom and love in all that I do. I pray I may not become judgemental to the other side.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
The subconscious
I had 2 strange dreams last night.
The first one was of a little kitten who came into my house's gate. Actually the house looked like the one I stayed in Manila, and so did the kitten look like the kitten at the construction site. There was a fish on the floor, and I chopped it into smaller pieces for the kitten. It finished up the fish, and left the bone there, and then it meowed at me. ;) I used a tissue to wipe its wet fur.
The second one was of my mum. She cut her hand accidentally, and blood flowed from her hand profusely. She was very frantic, and so was I. I picked up the phone and dialed 995 for the ambulance. Alas, they put me through a series of voice recorded messages. Mum yelled at me from afar. I ran back to see, and the blood had sort of stopped flowing, so there was no need for an ambulance. ;)
Why these 2 dreams?
I guess these 2 things matter a lot to me. Firstly, I think the poor, wet and thin cat represents the poor, and my love for them. Why else was this dream linked with the house and kitten in Manila. The second love for me, my parents. How anxious and burdened I was in the dream, seeing the blood flow, and desperately wanting to stop it. I've really been so burdened for my parents, now that they are ageing. Maybe beneath me is really a very filial child. I am worried for them about how they spend their money and life and their values. I am sad at times. : (
So in my 2 loves, who should I choose? And do I really have to choose? Can there be a compromise between the poor and my parents? I believe there can be. I believe it takes some time. Though at some point in time, I have to have that leap of faith to know that if I choose the poor, God will mould their hearts to understand.
The first one was of a little kitten who came into my house's gate. Actually the house looked like the one I stayed in Manila, and so did the kitten look like the kitten at the construction site. There was a fish on the floor, and I chopped it into smaller pieces for the kitten. It finished up the fish, and left the bone there, and then it meowed at me. ;) I used a tissue to wipe its wet fur.
The second one was of my mum. She cut her hand accidentally, and blood flowed from her hand profusely. She was very frantic, and so was I. I picked up the phone and dialed 995 for the ambulance. Alas, they put me through a series of voice recorded messages. Mum yelled at me from afar. I ran back to see, and the blood had sort of stopped flowing, so there was no need for an ambulance. ;)
Why these 2 dreams?
I guess these 2 things matter a lot to me. Firstly, I think the poor, wet and thin cat represents the poor, and my love for them. Why else was this dream linked with the house and kitten in Manila. The second love for me, my parents. How anxious and burdened I was in the dream, seeing the blood flow, and desperately wanting to stop it. I've really been so burdened for my parents, now that they are ageing. Maybe beneath me is really a very filial child. I am worried for them about how they spend their money and life and their values. I am sad at times. : (
So in my 2 loves, who should I choose? And do I really have to choose? Can there be a compromise between the poor and my parents? I believe there can be. I believe it takes some time. Though at some point in time, I have to have that leap of faith to know that if I choose the poor, God will mould their hearts to understand.
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