Saturday, November 29, 2008

Of weddings, friendships and growing up...

It was kinda surreal today. Went to the Bridal Shop to try my Bridesmaid dress, as my best friend Huiyun is getting married on 27th Dec! :) Saw her wedding photos and went to her in-laws house. Such a lot of details to fuss about the wedding preparations. I'm amused and happy at the same time because my friend since 13 years old has grown up. ;p I feel a lump in my throat...

It has been another challenging work week. But I also saw God's providence in different ways. Esp at points when I felt so stretched that I didn't know what to do, but He knew and provided. So giving thanks for that. I miss the luxurious time of just sitting there to contemplate about God and life. At times, I wished I had someone to walk through this time with me, to process with me, and to talk about the things that are happening. The someone doesn't have to say many things, just has to listen and to ask questions. I'm dying to talk about the things that are happening, cos everyday there's just drama going on in the office. And so many exciting things happening in the fields overseas, so many different open doors. And then so many disappointing things too that happen in the organization as I relate to different people and situations.

At other times, I think this is a season of growing up. And learning to be my own friend. Learning to know God as my Father and my friend.

Reading Pastor Edmund's Growing Deep in God has been good. He wrote abt prayer not as a resource, but prayer to find God. I really want to have that close and intimate walk with God. But I also yearn for intimate friendships and people I can grow with.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

His grace is sufficient for me

I experienced grace today and the whole week. ;)
Little things, like a church friend asking me if I needed a lift to woodlands church tmr, and will pick me up from my house.
Like my boss empowering me to make decisions, and affirming that "this poor girl's hair must be dropping off".
Like dinner tonight for GreenLeaf- our social enterprise related to GB, a comforting company of people from GreenLeaf, and good food.

As I took the bus fr Harbour Front back home (tho the MRT would have taken less time), I passed by Shenton Way- my old office building, Lao Pa Sat, and other places I used to frequent. It was the same route from NUS back home as well. Poignant thoughts popped up.

When I came home fr work at GIC, the thoughts on the bus would be: Is tmr gonna be another day of systems and numbers?
No...it came a day when tmr became more than numbers.
That sense of liberation...of His opening doors to something I always wanted to do, made me feel touched. The sense of God's hand upon me through out gripped me. I know He is in control- The God of how much more.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

According to my faith...

I find it a bit hard to blog these days. =D But I'm dropping a line here....just for my avid blog readers.
Was walking home today...felt that God seemed to be reminding me of Feb, when I fasted and prayed that God will change my parents hearts so that I am able to serve Him.
Distinctly, He seemed to be telling me, He answered my prayers according to my faith. That FAITH to believe in Him, and the FAITH to want it.
Three things have been bothering me: Stress, anxiety (fears) and loneliness. A lot of it comes from the nature of work here.
But I know that He will answer according to my faith. I qualify that statement.....it's because God is faithful to His word, even when we are faithless, He is faithful.
Pastor Edmund shared abt many of us being in the wilderness on Sunday. As I examined it, I thought of the Words of promises God had given to me. But I don't have the faith to trust Him. I grumble and I complain...
Its not to negate that life has been difficult. But along with the thorns in the flesh, I've experienced much of God's faithfulness as well. The way that people and resources suddenly appear amazes me.
Managed to catch a movie last night w Jac, tho we both agree that the movie was disappointing! Sing to the Dawn....didn't provide much depth to the characters. Before that, I managed to run for 20 min on the threadmill....went to the steam bath and all.
And it reminded me of what I learnt at IDT, that it is not about slowing down, but about centering down. Want to hear from God and center down on His will. Remind myself of His promises.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

不凡的爱

I've been feeling particularly discouraged and tired for the past few weeks, and the past few days has been really intensive. I feel up to my neck choked with work. And thank God for my friends who have been bearing with my complaining and whining. =D Yah, work has been really difficult for me, and I'm going thru a stressful season.
But no, in this blog I'm not going to be complaining, but sharing some things I did while at Jakarta and Jogjakarta over the weekend for work with my boss! =) We started on a 745am flight, and came back 12am on Sunday, so it was very intensive and tiring. But we really did meet some really good people.
In particular, we went to this rehabilitation centre for the disabled http://www.rehabilitasi-yakkum.or.id/ It was particularly touching for me, seeing the disabled singing and dancing, with joy and pride =) There was this tension, cos I didn't want to feel pity. What I really wanted to be able to do was to look at them human to human, and appreciate their singing and dancing. So I was thinking about what I really felt. But what really welled up strongly on the inside was thankfulness for the love that the christian organization showed towards the disabled. They also have work in Nias, and the director said due to the earthquake, many became disabled, even tho they cld be treated, ignorance caused people to become disabled. And then marginalised, and rejected of proper education. =S

So anyway we had meetings with a school as well, to discuss plans for our ministry. On Sat night, I only slept for abt 3 hrs! And by the time I got back on Sunday, I was zonked out. And Monday I felt very melancholic....and tired...and alone in my work. I'm not sure if it is a spiritual attack, but I think due to the nature of the work, it really gets tiring....and supportive structures are very important. I wish I had my peers to discuss my projects with.

Emotional resilience...is something I hope to build up.

So ending this post by giving thanks......for little minor concessions. A impt meeting was last min cancelled, so I got more air to breathe this week. And then some proposals are going on well.... Exciting opportunities ahead for the ministry. =)

I like the current drama on Channel 8 now, called By my side (Bu Fan de ai), a pun on the male lead whose name is Fan. He got AIDs due to sleeping w a prostitute 6 years ago or something. And it really shows how irreversible some mistakes are. But this drama really made me think abt the stigma that people with HIV positive go through, and it makes me wonder how much I myself would accept them. Its something that I really want to pray abt bcos the ministry to the marginalized often involves dealing with people HIV positive, many times bcos they are victims of child prostitution/forced prostitution etc. It was strange today Getreal! was talking abt Philippines women who got tricked into prostitution, and I was watching it over dinner. Strange bcos my dad rarely watches such shows, and the documentary timing fell right smack into my dinner timing. =D

So here are some reflections I have for the day. Tmr its another day of intensive work with a night meeting, and I'm stressed. But I am thankful, and I shall trust in God's faithfulness to see me through. I pray He will speak to me afresh.