Had cell group yesterday at Fang's house again. And I was all prepared to tell her my decision, but I also prayed through out the day and asked for God to direct me. The message was on disappointment, and it was quite a simple msg that had in a way been preached before. But when it came to worship I really wept as I just felt God's love and I told Him that I was so super tired of everything and I don't think I deserve to be in these circumstances. There was ministry and Huifang prayed for me. And she said she felt God showing her that more than anyone/anything, the person I was most disappointed with was myself. I haven't shared much with fang about anything before, my past, my perfectionism, my high expectations, my dad's expectations of me etc. So I do believe it was a word from God to encourage me, and the word struck me inside so much and there was so much pain within me that I couldn't stop crying. She said I felt like a failure, and I was feeling hopeless because I don't think that I will ever be able to do anything great for God. And then she prayed for me to stop being angry with myself, and to just be able to come to God not having to meet any expectations, and for Him to restore to me to joy of my salvation. And she said, God wanted to tell me that He has loved me all along, and that I am the apple of His eyes. :) Vene told me the same thing about 3 years back when she prayed for me, that I was the apple of God's eyes.
It has been a great struggle for me all these years because I have all along been a person who expected much of myself. I don't like to think that I've failed in anything and I like to excel in everything that I do. Hence I drive myself and discipline myself to acheive my goals. I know that sometimes it is not even my fault the way people react to me. I know most of the time, when ple are nasty to u, it is because of the issues they struggle with themselves. Yet because of my sensitivity, I do take the harsh words that people say to me to heart, and sometimes internalise them. Furthermore I always want to be able to meet the needs of the person who is sad and when I don't, this burden for that person remains in me. Why can't I be more eloquent, more loving, more etc etc. to meet that person's needs?
It will take some time for me to be healed, but I believe that God is good, and He will heal me through this time, and that most of all, He loves me and is pleased with me. Though sometimes in my worst days, I feel so hard to believe that I am worthy of His love, yet I must know and call upon Him, and remind myself of His word. He must love me so much- to send Huifang to pray for me, and speak to me thru her.
Dear God- Thank You for loving me. I believe that U must have a plan for me. And may I rest in You, and be able to love myself as well, and see myself through Your eyes.
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Having SE Forum 2007 meeting tmr. Heh. Deja Vu all over again! Going to meet the new committee- freshies and all tmr. Sigh I really wish I were still in uni where I can have my own life back. Seems like things have moved on and we have managed to get sponsorship for next year. Andrew is planning to have a web portal to link up the SEs, and then they are also doing research now on SEs in the region.
Maybe these days I am not so keen on SE per se, but I am interested in meeting needs of people, and SE is just one of the means to acheive it. There's so much poor and suffering in the world. Sometimes though, I am reminded of the story of the starfish, whereby the boy throws in one starfish at a time and made a difference in each one he threw in. So if today I help someone out of his depression, at least I made a difference in one person's life. Sometimes the needs all over the world can be so overwhelming that we are just so paralysed, and we don't know how to move from here. But truly it is one starfish at a time. Yups..things are also moving on..hopefully, with the overseas trip, wrote a proposal to the recclub president today. And sunday going to meet up with Pastor Don. I'm really quite happy he smsed me this week and reminded me to go visit The New Church on sunday where he will be preaching the first time there, and "perhaps we can seek the Lord to see how we can serve Him better." :)
I'm thankful..ya I wish I have a mentor whom I can share everything with. Recently been reading so much of christian stuffs from other christian denominations. There is just so much of christianity that we need to know. SO much history, tradition and all that. And how shd I reconcile all that back to my faith, and where I am now? Hmm. And where shd I serve Him?
4 comments:
Dear Lois,
Am particularly impressed with your idealism to make this world a better place. I agree with you there's alot of suffering and sadness in this world, however, let's not forget the other side of coin -- there's also human glories/triumphs and happiness in this world.
While I applaud your desire to help others less fortunate, may I caution you NOT to carry others' burden on you, as it will be very draining for you. In any case, each of us is responsible for our own life -- even parents cannot to be held fully accountable for their children's life, so why carry the extra burden of shouldering others' responsibilities? Live your own life well -- transformation starts from within and oneself, and miracle of miracles, it will in time spread to the outside world.
As one philosopher of all times Will Durant rightly pointed out: "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance", perhaps all we ever need to do on earth is follow the natural order of things -- there is probably no need for us to reconcile all the different principles/traditions/history etc of various belief systems/religions or be so fixated to such ideas that you lose the bigger picture -- spend some time in solitude everyday to do some self reflection, get inspiration from Nature (by looking up at the boundless sky/watching the lashing of waves in the big blue sea etc), seek the answer from within... Although we may not know for sure if our paths may be aligned with what the Man on top intends to be, so long we are happy and at peace with our own choices (which encompass a main criterion of not building our happiness at the expense of others' suffering), it should suffice.
--Musings from a fellow traveller on this ever-going life journey
hi there thanks for visiting my blog. Do you have a blog as well? I think you are right that trying to reconcile diff priciples of various belief systems etc can make us lose the bigger picture, cos I don't think those can ever be reconciled. But I also think that an element of idealism is important. Revolution and systemic changes are often born out of an unhappy idealist somewhere in the world. That is as opposed to being happy to stay on status quo. But I do understand what you are trying to get at..being at peace with oneself and happy. May u find peace and happiness too.
mm... I kinda agree with some of what was commented.. esp
"may I caution you NOT to carry others' burden on you, as it will be very draining for you."
mmm...perhaps it is not to carry the unnecessary responsibility of others' healing and well-being upon yourself. Cos it is not so much about u or ur capability, but whether it is time for and the person is ready to start healing.
But even as I say this, i know i have been helped by you before, n ur support n sharing the pain meant tremendously to me. :)
(it is v likely to have been for others as well, but remem, dont overdo it/be too greatly affected)
"there is probably no need for us to reconcile all the different principles/traditions/history etc of various belief systems/religions"
Yah, i personally feel that to focus on differences is a waste of time. It is not possible for us to reconcile all differences, nor are we good enough as judges of what is completely 'right'. (it is not really up to us to judge, and to judge often involves condemning)
But I dont see u spending ur time reconciling differences..?? Mmm... hee maybe just starting to consider alternative viewpts only.
=)
yoo XT, sorrie i din go around replying this..was so bz at work etc. :) Thanks for yr encouragement once again!!
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