Haha... Nice??

I think I look like ERA agent...

So many things to say

It has been a most fruitful past week and weekend services were great about calling. :) Pastor Ulf shared about how each one of us got a calling..not just to ministry as some ple are mistaken. A calling..a call of salvation, a call to walk with God.
I broke through! Broke through in my thot life. The situation did not change. But my thinking changed. I dunno how to describe this or say it.

I thot of milestones in my life, decisions tat I made, visions that God showed me. Some of these visions, I doubted. FOr a long long time, I wondered, God, did u speak or not?
If God spoke, why is it that when I led the VCF ministry in sch, the ministry din prosper, and I had such a tough time?
If God, u asked me to bring revival to NUS biz sch, why is it that revival is not here yet?

I pose these questions here, because I have faith and no doubt tat He will give me the answers. I will look back here and say. Ah, yes I understand. These have all been divinely planned by You.
One thing I know.
My character has become stronger thru all these things.

I looked back..and I analysed my strengths. And i realise wat my strengths r. I am focused, determined, task oriented, good organiser, multitasker.
And I know tat He created me unique.

Pastor said. DUN push for your own calling. Wait for God to call you. Heh. I am waiting. Right now....watever ard me tat happens, I look not upon them. I look upon the eyes of my Master.

Testimonies:
-Needed a guitar. 2 ple told me they will GIVE me their guitars. Shu Feng says lend me permanently..alright, i tink same as giving lar, girl...
Kaichin says he is 90% giving me...I'm so touched.

-At 7pm I was praying for faith. When I spoke to Shu Feng at about 9pm, she told me tat she got a word for me: That God will reward me for my faith. That word came to her around 7pm.

-EDB called me! Tmr this lady's gonna talk to me over the phone. Not sure if it is a telephone interview. Happy anyhow.

I woke up at 550am today...
I had to visit the loo...
But as I went..I heard a voice (Sounds like Pastor Ulf's voice though): I've called you
It kept going kept going in my head.
And I was happy. :)

Spent the day getting my resume pic. And then........
went to sch....
did my thesis....
more to go. SOmemore...
Need Your grace, God. :)
YEah and strength for interview tmr.

Frustration...

"I am currently away on assignment. I will return on Mar 7. Thank you."

Got an email auto reply from my other supervisor. The one who is not on sabbatical. SIghz, great, now i got one prof on assignment, one on sabbatical. :(
Ok shall stop complaining. I think I will complain to the sch instead. Diaoz..

Prophesied

Yesterday Pastor Ulf prophesied over me.
Heh. He din say it was me lar.
But every word he said was about me. During ministry I mean.

Every single word u noe. I was amazed.
He stopped and sang. And I felt the breakthru wasn't there yet. I needed to hear more.
Then he spoke again.
And then we sang.
And he spoke again.
EVERY word was about me. And I felt the Holy Spirit tangibly.

God will use me to do great things.

--
Thesis is a big headache. I wun have self pity for myself. But I will be real with myself. SIgh, it is such a struggle. WIthout guidance...zero..glitch. My profs have...sigh..busy w their own stuff. SO i'm struggling. I will press on.

Happiness

Have not felt quite so happy and at peace for so long. Until these few days. Every void been filled up with the Holy Spirit, and He is my best friend. Thank you Lord, u take away the dark days of depression, loneliness and emptiness.
The problems remain there, but like Pastor always says, the giants will never go away. YOU must become BIGGER than the giants and overcome them. I will! Cos God walks with me.

The 2 nites of bible study were awesome. Tues, when I was worshipping, felt Holy SPirit saying tat He was my fren. Din know wat that means, but I enjoyed singing the songs. And then Pastor Ulf talked abt frenship.
When he talked abt philadelphia (brotherly love) and all, one person came up to my mind. I noe for sure tat I love him very much, and tat I'm glad tat the Lord brought him into my life. This love is pure. It can be happy, just wishing the best for the other.
Frenship heals.
Ofcos there are others tat I am so grateful for. Pastor Ulf gave his own example, of how in the most difficult crisis in his life, he remembered tat his frens were there for him. Wasn't it also the case for me, when I went thru the crisis of my life..and the deep valleys, the Lord brought kind angels around me to rally around me and to encourage me. To love me for who I am, irregardless of my flaws. A true fren..is someone whom u can be yourself.

Thank You my dear frens, who brought me thru. Thank you for your endless prayers.

Yesterday Pastor talked abt missions. Heh..and Pastor Kenneth Copeland gave a word. He said DO NOT FEAR. Because perfect love casts out all fear. The word burnt thru my heart, and the Holy Spirit came upon me. :) God has been saying to me tat He loves me. But now a revelation of smthing more. God loves me, holds my hand, so tat I will not fear. So tat i can fulfil His calling for me.

Oh manz, need to do thesis liaos. Pls pray for me. Due in about a month's time. In front of me are pages of interviews, but I dunno how to analyse them.
O ya, i must add SE forum meeting was great yest. Haha...ple actually laughed at my jokes. So ego. :P

Weddings...

I watched The Wedding Singer yesterday nite, it was fantastic. I liked it cos it conveyed the right morals. E.g. abt weddings meaning to LAST. Wat is a gauge of u being able to stay married for long? Heh..
Whether your partner gives u the window seat when u are both on the airplane.
I really like the song..

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All i wanna do is grow old with you
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I'll miss youI'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
I'll need youI'll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

So sweet!!
I tink many youths today are grossly misled by what they call "love". Love is not just a feeling but requires a deep commitment to each other, for betta or worst.

---

XJ's list of leadership principles:
1. Trust and believe in your disciple
2. People are not objects. Treat them as individuals
3. Always be objective, don't do personal attacks on ple.
4. Love them even if they never change

Make me a beautiful pot!

Today Pastor went thru a sermon he had preached before abt 2-3 years ago. When I first heard it, I was training to be a cgl, I was really discouraged as I had been training for about 2 years but yet to no avail..as in..I was still not a cgl. Pastor talked abt waiting on the shelf..and there and then, the feeling of waiting, tat i experienced 2-3 years ago, became so vivid in my mind. I also remembered surrendering to the Lord, and asking Him to take away the impure motivations, the character flaws tat would plague me..so tat I could serve HIm properly.

I was also reminded of this episode with J, whereby I was hurt and liked him so much. Haha...and God kinda showed me...how and why He brought me thru this.

He did.
And now He gives me the privilege to lead a cg. Wat am I complaining abt? God moulded me...allowed me to wait. And then used me to serve Him. He fulfiled tat vision. Once again I saw the vision of speaking to a roomful of people. Yes God, there will be more and more.
Am I going thru the fire? Yes, but the Holy Spirit says somemore..God says stretch somemore. Haha..I really loved the illustration by pastor abt the stretching of my heart.


----

Today smthing mama drama happened. I shall not elaborate here, but this guy threatened to send gangsters to harm me. Pengz. Me a poor thin girl, and he...a big sized guy. So I thot in my heart, GOD, u are bigger than all things. Come and help me.
Thank God for security ple tho. And pastors.

Pastor reminded me to be accountible to her. Which I have not really been updating her abt all these things. Really feel so sorry about that. But it sure felt good having her counsel as well as Pastor Zhuang's one. :)

Really a long mama drama day..but I am happy inside my spirit and it is alive and well. :) Thank you God.

Grieved tho by a person's actions. I realise tat he has been living a lie all this while. Behaving outwardly like an angel for the past 1 year or so, but inwardly it was rotting. And no wonder Jesus says tat when He sees us face to face, and we say, we have been in Your presence, but Jesus says, who are you, I don't know you. Wa. Super no fear of the Lord. Pray tat he will repent.

A weird feeling...

Yesterday, I emailed my fren a question, hoping to find an answer. His answer is an interesting one. And surprising, tat he understands me so well. Really very surprising, but it just shows tat how God is leading too..

I prayed and gave God my Isaac (meaning, my most precious), and so far it has been good, and God seems to be giving me signals and guiding me along. :) Which is really good.
Thank You God.

I will trust Him! Tat He always loves me more than I love myself. Not now. Maybe in the future? I will get my Isaac back..or my Isaac in another form.

---
Went career fair today.
Went w Kel. Saw XT..and also many old frens fr sec sch. Very funny and amusing. Anyway...we visited almost all the booths and had a long chat with this guy working in Customs.

Me: So you prefer working in the public sector than in the private sector?
Him: Yes
Me: Why is that so?
Him: Cos I like rules! In the pte sector, they break all the rules, they dun care as long as u achieve the goal. They care abt bottom line.
In the public sector, we can't go beyond the rules. We can bend them, go around them, but we can never break them. In the ministry, we care about efficiency.

Oh manz..
N Me..I am tinking, erh..I love rules also. I tink...
And companies always seek :Dynamic, adaptable individuals.
Hmm..How?
But I like challenges. I do....
And tats why I like pte sector too. HEhe.

Fix your eyes on eternity

Wat with so many stuffs to do..need to refocus and focus and focus on wats impt.

Today...went to a meeting w Mr. Yeo, Peter tay etc at NVPC. These guys are in their 50s with MBAs, so a little intimidating. I din utter much thru out the whole session...but its an eye opener lar, and good to see ple like them fr biz sch so onz abt helping social organisations.

Went to sch, was q constructive...

Eheh...

Spoke to Vene on Tues, and Pastor gave an awesome sermon. "How to last in your ministry." I was totally blessed and so super duper encouraged. Everyone was weeping during ministry time. :) Thank You God. I thank you...and fix my eyes on You!

Nothing else special lar...aniwae...did interviews and all for this week. Been a busy week. LEarning new things everyday. Huiyun invited me to her hse for blended coffee..hehe, self made. Yay. Yah. Thank God for frens...;P

Create in me a new heart...

"I just want to be, more like you, walk with you beside me Lord...
Wun You be my guide...place your heart inside my soul..."

Tmr is V-day. I am attached!
Ha! To my heavenly Father. :)

I cried out to Him last nite..in my total desperation. And the Holy SPirit reminded me tat He was there thru out some of the times in my life. When I felt alone. God was there, is there, is always there for me and with me. Holding my hand...
And I kept weeping, cos God comforted me like a fren...like nobody else can..and reached deep into my soul.
I was listening to Hillsongs, and then all the songs were the old ones tat we sang 2-3 years ago. I remember there and then when I first experienced God's sweet touch, abt 5-6 years ago. It was perhaps during Pastor Phil's preaching, and tat was in World trade centre. And when I lifted up my hands and reached out...I felt His presence, so tangibly.
The Holy Spirit said..I am still the same, I am still here. The same presence.

I never wanna get tired of this presence. Because I need Him so desperately, tat my soul cries out in longing.
The very same presence, was the reason tat I stepped out to ministry.

In one of the seminars, I remember, Joshua 21, Pastor Kong preached a wonderful message, and he asked, who wants to give his/her youth and life to God. I ran out to the front like I was mad. In Pastor Bernard's sermon, he asked, who wanted to use his talents to serve God? The Holy Spirit convicted my heart, I raised up my hand, stood up, and said tat, no more will I waste my time, my youth. I wanna use it for YOU.

In these many years, God assured me, tat He saw me thru, He is the same, yesterday today and forever. Forever and ever and ever.
My time, my youth, my all, I have given to Him. Because I love Him.

It has been and it IS a very trying period for me. In the midst of the ups and downs, God u made me so broken before u. In my desperation, no longer is my degree, my smartness, my discipline of any worth at all. These CANNOT cause men's heart to be revived. These cannot cause ple to turn fr their sins to God. These cannot fill up the deep emptiness and void and lostness of mankind. These cannot...and will never...replace....
the true touch fr the Lord..
tat requires...
a total surrender
a trust...
and a deep crying to Him.

And only...
His touch...
can change our hearts.

All I ask God..is to be with You, and place a new heart in me. I wanna see as u see. Please?

Me and my sister!

Cute sheep!!! (And people ofcos)

Must I add, nice house too!

(with My CG members)

Mummy and me. Spontaneous visit to my house. :) Looks like sheepy is getting exposed pretty often. U are famous sheepy!

Ah yun and ME!!!

Create in me a new heart

Dear God,

Place in me a new heart, and fill up the void.
Because nothing else can fill it up. The emptiness, the lostness and the loneliness.
Help me to see wat u see
To love wat u love
To care for wat u care
To love the way you love
To be strong the way tat u make the weak strong
To have true rest
To have the faith tat comes fr knowing You.

Help me Father.

---

Spent a restful day today. Did a bit of thesis. Then had ple who came to visit. Watched Jeff Chang concert and Mulan on Tv. Yay...
Ate lotsa chocolates, drank some beer (hehe! half a can only)

Happie new year!

Hallo one and all...
Happy Lunar New Year!

I shall share my blessings, yest went to restaurant to eat with my family and relatives. Relatives fr my dad's side. Dinner was good with abalone, sharksfin, yu sheng etc etc. :) Thank God for the food, and also it was great chatting w my parents...and crapping. Lotsa discussions abt the clothes we wore. Mum said I looked like a teacher, while my sis looked like she was going for a-go-go. Haha. I disagree but nevermind. I wanna look like I'm from corporate world..not like a teacher!

I also visited VJ yesterday. In the morning...met Lee BA, B Low (Yay, my fave econs teacher who gives stars on econs essay!), Robert Yeo, Harris, Deborah Tan.
Reminded me of the good life in JC. Supposedly good, compared to uni life...I mean in retrospect, as eu says.
Harris says, it is always better to study...when u work...it is not as simple (Hope I din misquote him) He gave an e.g. of how he had to buy his own bedsheets. Haha. To me the analogy relates to the decisions tat one has to make as an adult and independence tat one starts to have. Decision making was never easy. In JC...the most major decision u can make is, shd I attend lecture? U walk in grps with ur frens, u have a comfy class to go to, a similar break time with everyone. I miss walking ard in groups smtimes.

This morning...woke up...helped with a bit of hsework. And then I read SF's blog. I was so blessed. SF is now a christian (Yes girl I can say tat)! Except she needs guidance to help her along. I am v touched tho, the way she got converted, and I must say she is so hungry for God's word, as a new believer, tat it would put some of us to shame. And I stand in awe of the way God touches our hearts. Indeed..He is faithful and desire for all to come to know Him.

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light." Eph4:8

Have a blessed new year.

Intimacy

Ever loved someone?
U want to be close to the person u love.
U yearn to be near tat person.

----
Today decided to be frivalous, and watched the 9pm show. JK said to lixiang (Is that her name? First time I watching the show for more than 10 min), u have been with me all this while, loving me unconditionally, not seeking any return.
I think I am able to do that too.

SF was sayin tat she wanted to love unconditionally, to love as God told her to love. To love as the bible said.

L was very nice today, as usual. Heh..smsing me and saying very nice and funny things.

Is it betta to love someone more, or someone loves u more?

----

Reading John Bevere's book now.
Today had lunchie..with SF. HEh..and MZ and SH came too. MZ and SH from VCF. Siew Hup did membership w her. Reminded me of those days in VCF, when I gave membership to my mbrs. And siew hup was like me..asking MZ..how are u, how u coping? Hehe...
Well, I was realli realli touched tat MZ was singing in the musical. The songs were so well written tat they rhymed. Gabriel and the team gave their heart soul and toil and sweat to write them. All for God. All for the people who are lost.
For a moment, the stress and anxiety I felt from my thesis left.

God, help me to love wat u love and to give time for wats most important. Help me to see thru your eyes.

I think my hair, looks a bit like this. When I go to work, I will like to be the one on the left. I think pretty stylo milo. Can picture myself in a bank already. Hahaha.... :)

 

God loves everyone

Some people ask, if God is so loving, why do people have to accept Him into their hearts? Christianity seems like such an exclusive religion.

A recent incident helped me to understand.

A sister said some very nasty things to me, that hurt me. But I still love her and wish the best for her. Today I sms her and said "Can we talk?" She replied, "Talk about what?"

How many times did God "sms" you, can we talk? And how many times did we reply "Talk about what?" In spite of God's care for us, He cannot reach into u. Like a porcupine, you have built pricks around u, u say..DUN touch me pls. Talk abt wat, I am not interested.

Does God hurt? I bet He does. But in spite of that, God continues to "sms" you, can we talk...can we can we...
Wats ur reply?

Intimacy with God

Grace gives me the power to live a holy life.

A true prophet will cause you to see Jesus more clearly than you ever seen before.

Intimacy this year...Such a sweet presence of God. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to u.

Two from me. Haha..so fun!!! Who is prettier?

http://elouai.com/doll-makers/candybar-doll-maker.php

Rest

Din sleep well last nite...only fell asleep at 3am or so. Heh..wonder why...

it was a extremely busy day yest...woke up at 8am to go to sch to meet the Dean. Heh..I love the dean of biz sch. He is so approachable and frenly and funny. Next time if I become Dean, I wanna be like him. Maybe I shd become an academic. Seriously..earn a lot of money.
Dean gave us 10K for our forum. praise the Lord. Heh..still awaiting other sponsors now...and now trying to invite Dr. Vivian for our forum. :)

All things are going rather smooth in the forum organisation. I'm quite glad. In the midst of this I am glad tat I seem to have gone to another level of breakthru. Usually I tink I would have collapsed under the weight of pressure, together with other areas in life..things tat have to be done, pressure and so on. But I learn to think positively...

One problem and hiccup...
My tape..which i used to tape my interview with this manager is spoilt! Lost like 20min of the interview or smthing. Tats q bad...have to recall watever she said and pray tat when i send her an email, she will agree to help me to recall watever she said during the interview.
Actually I am quite concerned abt my thesis...doing qualitative analysis. EVeryone's doing quantitative. Only 7 interviews done so far. Ok....
Betta stop whinning and get down to doing work.
Today gonna be a new day.

In my mind, this image keeps going. I am in a forest, and someone is paving the road in front of me. Using the bulldozer. And I keep walking walking walking...because the path has been cleared. It all boils down to TRUST. Knowing tat He leads me on when I walk...difficulties are not so bad together with Him, my companion and my guide.

So today sat morning, is another long day. God give me the strength to go thru this day.

Tired but rather happy

Just attended a social entrepreneurship talk organised by Start Up singapore. Rather tired..sleepy, but q happy. Met some really nice ple doing great things. Like...this lady from The Ark, tat provides help to exdrug addicts/prisoners and training for them...and this pastor fr Breakthrough Missions..He goes around sharing God's love and goodness, and how He was changed from a drug addict..how God gave him a new lease of life.

Praise the Lord...

I am currently reading Max Lucado's book "Travelling Light". It is a wonderful book tat speaks of the burdens tat we carry...and how they are needless. The burden of guilt/shame/worry/envy/doubt etc and wat nots. And it went thru Ps23 verse by verse. I was awfully touched by his analogy of the shepherd, time and time again. Abt how the shepherd brings his sheep to the pasture...he clears the way for them...thru the valleys, he brings them..so tat they can go to the mountains where there is grenery. He speaks of God holding our hand, and God following us!
I always thot I have to chase after God..but in a way, Max was right. he mentioned tat God was there...with us...every appointment we have with God...is just Him right there waiting for us, to hold our hand. :) And He brings us to true rest.

I dreamt two nights ago, of this guy. I dun realli know who he is, but he is quite muscular, and I dunno why he held my hand. I was so so so happy!!! It was not a lust kind of feeling I had, it was filled with love...
and I realise indeed, how divine this love of God..tat holds me to eternity.

Burden of worries
"He leads me beside the still waters," David declares. And, in case we missed the pont, he repeats the phrase in the next verse: "He leads me in the path of righteousness."
"He leads me." God isn't behind me yelling, "Go!", He is ahead of me, bidding, "Come!" He is in front, clearing the path, cutting the brush, showing the way. Just before the curve, he says, "Turn here." Prior to the rise, he motions"Step up here". Standing next to the rocks, he warns, "watch your step here."

Burden of loneliness
Loneliness is not the absence of faces. It is the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn't come from being alone; it comes from feeling alone.
Feeling as if you are
facing death alone
facing disease alone
facing the future alone
...
Shd we be so quick to drop it? Rather than turn from loneliness, what if we turned toward it?...
I wonder if loneliness is God's way of getting our attention.