A myriad of thoughts

Just came back from CG..second time visit to Huifang's cg-CHC adult group. Mustered enuff courage to go there, and smsed Meina (met her once in the last cg) to try my luck, and she actually waited for me to go together...so sweet of her. To my surprise saw Yiting and Jingjing! Jing's fr the cg, Yiting just visiting. :) I like Sis Huifang's leadership style, very gentle and kind, and guess can relate to her in terms of background. I'm still open to so many choices that sometimes I'm really angry with myself for being so indecisive.
Here's what my character profile said:
Being open to rather sensitive perceptions about things, she may also find it somewhat difficult to easily set them aside. She therefore, may require more time to resolve things than people who are mostly action-oriented and concerned about practicalities may think is necessary.
Right...blame it on my character! ;p

This morning at work, I couldn't believe it, but I was smsing a friend, and suddenly it just triggered the deep emotion that I had hidden inside and I started to tear...at my office desk, mine you. Suddenly felt terribly alone, scared & fearful and the months of things that I boiled inside let loose. I feel unfairly treated. I wished I had more time to cry, cos its a relief to do so sometimes. But I had to work. And anyway it was scary. I've never felt more dependent on God than this time in my life..ever..even when ministry was stressful, or couldn't finish thesis, or SE Forum. This point in my life is just horrible-one word to describe it.

In the book, Breaking the Bondage of Legalism, the author shares this about when his wife died:
I'm not much of a cook, so I would eat out on Friday evenings. Many times I would arrive at the restaurant and have to wait a while in my car for the tears to stop. I didn't want people to see me crying. I never wanted people to see me out of control. That was the one thing I always wanted to maintain- control. And that was the one thing the Lord set His sights on to break in my life. I had to learn the hard way that in order to be free, I had to be broken...and brokenness hurts...
The Lord knows that it is only those whose pride has been crushed who are ready to receive His love down deep and share it with others. That humbling process is called brokenness...
Coming face to face with the futility of relying on our own fleshly resources to live the Christian life will be a painful experience. But it opens the door wide to the kingdom of God in our lives..
What areas is the Lord putting His finger on in yr life? Usually it is areas of control...
Whatever instrument He uses, be assured that God is tailor-making it in order to bore down to the core of our pride and control issues and in order to rescue and restore the intimacy of the relationship with Him.

I'm thankful that He chastens His child whom He loves...and day and night, He has been my source of encouragement, the Holy Spirit my comforter..and more than anything, I need God in my life to see me thru. Do not grow weary in doing good!! In due season u shall reap!

Anyway on a HAPPY note,
I got my bonus letter yesterday! And it was a big fat amount! :)
I guess my area of control has not really been finances or studies..cos God always provided those for me. Heh..shan't say that too early tho. Its scary how when u say u give yr life to God, that He really puts u thru the fire of tribulations. But anyway I am thankful. I don't think I deserve that much of money or the work I put in is worth that much of money. It makes me feel really valued in the company! How long more there? Really don't know yet. But I know He will guide.