Of weddings, friendships and growing up...

It was kinda surreal today. Went to the Bridal Shop to try my Bridesmaid dress, as my best friend Huiyun is getting married on 27th Dec! :) Saw her wedding photos and went to her in-laws house. Such a lot of details to fuss about the wedding preparations. I'm amused and happy at the same time because my friend since 13 years old has grown up. ;p I feel a lump in my throat...

It has been another challenging work week. But I also saw God's providence in different ways. Esp at points when I felt so stretched that I didn't know what to do, but He knew and provided. So giving thanks for that. I miss the luxurious time of just sitting there to contemplate about God and life. At times, I wished I had someone to walk through this time with me, to process with me, and to talk about the things that are happening. The someone doesn't have to say many things, just has to listen and to ask questions. I'm dying to talk about the things that are happening, cos everyday there's just drama going on in the office. And so many exciting things happening in the fields overseas, so many different open doors. And then so many disappointing things too that happen in the organization as I relate to different people and situations.

At other times, I think this is a season of growing up. And learning to be my own friend. Learning to know God as my Father and my friend.

Reading Pastor Edmund's Growing Deep in God has been good. He wrote abt prayer not as a resource, but prayer to find God. I really want to have that close and intimate walk with God. But I also yearn for intimate friendships and people I can grow with.

His grace is sufficient for me

I experienced grace today and the whole week. ;)
Little things, like a church friend asking me if I needed a lift to woodlands church tmr, and will pick me up from my house.
Like my boss empowering me to make decisions, and affirming that "this poor girl's hair must be dropping off".
Like dinner tonight for GreenLeaf- our social enterprise related to GB, a comforting company of people from GreenLeaf, and good food.

As I took the bus fr Harbour Front back home (tho the MRT would have taken less time), I passed by Shenton Way- my old office building, Lao Pa Sat, and other places I used to frequent. It was the same route from NUS back home as well. Poignant thoughts popped up.

When I came home fr work at GIC, the thoughts on the bus would be: Is tmr gonna be another day of systems and numbers?
No...it came a day when tmr became more than numbers.
That sense of liberation...of His opening doors to something I always wanted to do, made me feel touched. The sense of God's hand upon me through out gripped me. I know He is in control- The God of how much more.

According to my faith...

I find it a bit hard to blog these days. =D But I'm dropping a line here....just for my avid blog readers.
Was walking home today...felt that God seemed to be reminding me of Feb, when I fasted and prayed that God will change my parents hearts so that I am able to serve Him.
Distinctly, He seemed to be telling me, He answered my prayers according to my faith. That FAITH to believe in Him, and the FAITH to want it.
Three things have been bothering me: Stress, anxiety (fears) and loneliness. A lot of it comes from the nature of work here.
But I know that He will answer according to my faith. I qualify that statement.....it's because God is faithful to His word, even when we are faithless, He is faithful.
Pastor Edmund shared abt many of us being in the wilderness on Sunday. As I examined it, I thought of the Words of promises God had given to me. But I don't have the faith to trust Him. I grumble and I complain...
Its not to negate that life has been difficult. But along with the thorns in the flesh, I've experienced much of God's faithfulness as well. The way that people and resources suddenly appear amazes me.
Managed to catch a movie last night w Jac, tho we both agree that the movie was disappointing! Sing to the Dawn....didn't provide much depth to the characters. Before that, I managed to run for 20 min on the threadmill....went to the steam bath and all.
And it reminded me of what I learnt at IDT, that it is not about slowing down, but about centering down. Want to hear from God and center down on His will. Remind myself of His promises.

不凡的爱

I've been feeling particularly discouraged and tired for the past few weeks, and the past few days has been really intensive. I feel up to my neck choked with work. And thank God for my friends who have been bearing with my complaining and whining. =D Yah, work has been really difficult for me, and I'm going thru a stressful season.
But no, in this blog I'm not going to be complaining, but sharing some things I did while at Jakarta and Jogjakarta over the weekend for work with my boss! =) We started on a 745am flight, and came back 12am on Sunday, so it was very intensive and tiring. But we really did meet some really good people.
In particular, we went to this rehabilitation centre for the disabled http://www.rehabilitasi-yakkum.or.id/ It was particularly touching for me, seeing the disabled singing and dancing, with joy and pride =) There was this tension, cos I didn't want to feel pity. What I really wanted to be able to do was to look at them human to human, and appreciate their singing and dancing. So I was thinking about what I really felt. But what really welled up strongly on the inside was thankfulness for the love that the christian organization showed towards the disabled. They also have work in Nias, and the director said due to the earthquake, many became disabled, even tho they cld be treated, ignorance caused people to become disabled. And then marginalised, and rejected of proper education. =S

So anyway we had meetings with a school as well, to discuss plans for our ministry. On Sat night, I only slept for abt 3 hrs! And by the time I got back on Sunday, I was zonked out. And Monday I felt very melancholic....and tired...and alone in my work. I'm not sure if it is a spiritual attack, but I think due to the nature of the work, it really gets tiring....and supportive structures are very important. I wish I had my peers to discuss my projects with.

Emotional resilience...is something I hope to build up.

So ending this post by giving thanks......for little minor concessions. A impt meeting was last min cancelled, so I got more air to breathe this week. And then some proposals are going on well.... Exciting opportunities ahead for the ministry. =)

I like the current drama on Channel 8 now, called By my side (Bu Fan de ai), a pun on the male lead whose name is Fan. He got AIDs due to sleeping w a prostitute 6 years ago or something. And it really shows how irreversible some mistakes are. But this drama really made me think abt the stigma that people with HIV positive go through, and it makes me wonder how much I myself would accept them. Its something that I really want to pray abt bcos the ministry to the marginalized often involves dealing with people HIV positive, many times bcos they are victims of child prostitution/forced prostitution etc. It was strange today Getreal! was talking abt Philippines women who got tricked into prostitution, and I was watching it over dinner. Strange bcos my dad rarely watches such shows, and the documentary timing fell right smack into my dinner timing. =D

So here are some reflections I have for the day. Tmr its another day of intensive work with a night meeting, and I'm stressed. But I am thankful, and I shall trust in God's faithfulness to see me through. I pray He will speak to me afresh.

That very first joy...

The first joy of seeing the kids with rosy cheeks
The first joy of hearing a little kid say I am pretty
The first joy of seeing chinese with hands lifted up high in worship
The first joy of holding the hand of the lady we helped built houses for
The first joy of singing worship songs in chinese....then in Bahasa...
The first joy of praying for the lady in the corner, crying

Oh Lord..
Help me find back that first joy of serving You.
My heart is weary...my body is tired....
But my life is Yours. And I believe in You.

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Still don't manage to hit the quota of daily words...the office is quiet...except for the ocassional talk with M which I am thankful for...
Last minute things to do....deadlines to meet...smses late in the night and early in the morning and on my off days asking me abt wrk.

It seems so much easier to be a volunteer. And I am whinning to God.

What I am thankful for...
Exciting projects coming up...Lives getting impacted...women getting employed...children getting educated.

Of sickness, weight-loss and nightmare....

I've been ill for the past few days...started with some indigestion, then diarrhoa. :S Been feeling weak! Went to the gym yest, and the instructor asked me to stop after 30 min, cos I was weak, cldn't lift the weights nor do the climbing machine properly. heh...and we did the in-body thing, and my muscles weight decreased! Overall I've lost 1 kg of weight. Not sure if its due to my sickness or due to the busyness at work!

Yah...so I've been feeling tired again! I know this keeps cropping up. Sigh, i wished I knew the solution to being perky and refreshed. I think its really tiring even if its just a normal work week, as by the time I get home there is so little time to do anything! And even if I sleep at 12am......its 6+ hrs of sleep, and it doesn't feel enough!

Last night I had a nightmare, of a turtle biting me. When the alarm clock rang, I thought that the turtle was still biting me, and I had to make a conscious effort to wake myself up, and to my relief realise that it was a dream. Lots of pent up anxieties.

I don't know how...Pls keep me in prayers! =D

Vengence is mine- says the Lord

Just came bk from WL's wedding dinner! =) It was nice at a restaurant in Labrador Park, with a live band. So happy to meet all my ex-colleagues again. I miss them! Its comfortable to be in an environment whereby I can be myself. I think they bring out the extroverted and crazy side of me.

Last week, I almost wanted to react to an email. While talking to my colleague, I almost teared! It was due to an accumulation of vented up frustration. I gave myself up to 6pm, for God to speak to me, otherwise I would react. And then at ard 545, a VCF senior whom I hadn't been talking to for some time suddenly msged me! And I chatted with him and told him my situation. Thank God that he processed my feelings with me, and adviced me against reacting. I prayed and committed the situation to God, and told Him that vengence is His (Thank God also for the reminder from another friend in the morning).

The other interesting thing was, I finished reading 3 Kings by Gene Edwards just the night before. I wanted to read it since mths ago, was prompted by the Holy Spirit to read, but didn't. In the end I finished it in one night, since it was very easy to read. Its a very thought provoking book that analysed Saul, David and Absolom. Sometimes we face Sauls in our lives and we think we are a David. But actually sometimes it is due to the Saul nature in us that we view others as Saul. Maybe that Saul is a David instead. But whatever the case, God is the one who anoints His leaders, and He has a reason for bringing certain people into our lives. And God treasures brokenness in our lives. I wonder how much more gotto break on the inside of me.

Thank God anyway that I didn't react that day, and prayed. The next day, I felt an increased compassion, and that oppressive fear was gone. =) I'm thankful that God allows crisis in our lives, so that He can set us free, use us more, draw us close to Him.

What really matters??

I usually have some anxiety before I travel for work...this time is no different. =D
Feeling the stress...even though it will just be one weekend at Aceh. Some plans are not firmed up yet, and I feel worried....
Thank God for frens who are praying for me, and listening to my venting =)

Do pray for me pls!

2 days ago I installed some anti-virus software, and my comp suddenly went mad...basically my profile got corrupted, and my docs and emails all disappeared. Though I know its somewhere in the C: drive. I was a bit upset....but not THAT upset. What got me upset....precious email correspondences with frens, social enterprise documents, some pics that had not yet been saved, my thesis....etc etc...thank God it was all in the C: drive.
So anyway, mum prayed for us, and I was a skeptic, standing behind the comp, but praying inwardly as well. And suddenly, everything came back! My profile cld be loaded and the settings all set properly. =D It was amazing. And thank God for my mum's faith.
So anyway, I realise that nothing is permanent. But what got me upset abt losing at that time...indicates the things that matter to me...
Thank God I still have my faith in JESUS. =)

So...I'm starting to sound incoherent...and I want to get my 7 hrs of sleep.....this has been an untypical post of sorts!

I really want to know Him...

Life has been busy!! Saturday I had three meetings in a row, starting from 9am and ending at 7pm. I've been averaging 5-6 hrs daily. And I am so exhausted. Even on sundays, I have to wake up at 730am now for church, since service now starts at 10am, and its at Woodlands!

Glad for last night's time for dinner and meaningful conversation, I was so blessed that Ed managed to show me things that I didn't realise abt myself and about God.
This afternoon it was lunch with DG mates, then my favourite step boarding class at the gym. And then tmr is my off day, and I realise that Wed there is a public holiday hurrah!

Exciting things are happening at work, but also terribly challenging. I'm still passionate abt it though. And I told my fren today, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else now, or I can't think of anywhere else that I rather be. Cos in spite of the challenge, there's this underlying motivation underneath. And yup....thinking of women getting trained in livelihood skills, children getting taught....expanding into different parts of Asia, makes my heart leap for joy. Pray for me...again, I am not embarrassed abt asking for prayer, bcos prayer must be the anchor to everything that we do, and resources are tight in every aspect, the work can't be accomplished if I just look at the physical realm. And together with progress comes spiritual warfare too.

I'm learning efficacy, not efficiency. Becoming more and more Covenantal in thinking. I realise it applies a lot to my job. Cos there's time limited issues that must be resolved, so being the Type A person that I am, I feel very anxious....really worried about things. But then I also realise that some things are not abt being efficient at all, but trusting in God's timing.

At a meeting on thur nite, my boss very joyfully and excitedly said that serving God was easy, bcos it was God who put all things together. There was so much joy when she said that. I cld sense this "knowingness" she had with God. I felt a mixture of feelings at the same time. Really, just longing for the same sense of knowingness and intimacy with God, that I may say with JOY, nothing to worry about anything, GOD is sovereign and in control. But daily....it is a taking up of the cross daily, to cruxify the thoughts that are not life-giving. To give thanks in all. And gratitude, is the antidote to negativity. =)

So yah...hope that my inner life with God will continue to grow. Hope to know His love that casts out all fears, to know the depths, the heights of His love.

Trusting in God's hands

I'm feeling the stress at work as the coming week and Oct looks busy. =p Just confirmed I will be flying to Indonesia for 2 trips during the mth, and I am excited! But at the same time there is so much to plan, esp for one of the trips. And the daily coordination work for the teams going to Cambodia fr Oct to Dec remains, well I also must figure out how to ship 25 monitors and CPUs to Cambodia as they don't have boxes (anyone has lobang to ship computers). And then to not be reactionary and plan long term processes and workflows....I'm stressed, and have dreamt about work a few times already.
And....the signs...I'm doing work on my off days, over my home PC. Thinking abt work in my mind and planning stuffs.

Though, today's reading of Isaiah was so appropriate. Abt quietness and rest, trusting in God, and not in the strength of horses or armies.

Dear God, help me not to take things in my own hands, but to trust and rest in You.

Do pray for me! =)I need it.

Was encouraged during the service on Sunday. When leadership was defined. I was glad that it was about knowing "I can't, but God can", and accepting responsibility for God's calling. Realise I'm a very unwilling leader, but all it takes, God seemed to be asking was- Are u willing? Its a paradox that restedness does not come from avoiding responsibility, but it comes from acceptance of it, and knowing that it is God who has called and He will accomplish His plans.