2006 in review...

I started 2006 wanting to have a good rest! Stepped down as a cgl from Jan 2006 so that I could have that kind of space to rest and reflect. Pre cgl days were always busy with calling up mbrs/prepare sermons/prepare worship/giving bible studies/doing administration. It came to a point of tiredness, I just needed to step back and seek God, not for the sake of my role as a "cgl".

It felt strange and horribly painful at the start, because it seemed weird I had nothing much on my hands to do. I felt lousy about myself, felt that I had failed terribly in my role and seemed like I had lost direction in my life. It was then I started picking up several books to read, learning to wait on God in prayer and writing journals and blogs on what I have understood from those readings.

The workaholic nature refused to rest, explored doing other things. Signed up for counseling diploma, which took up my wednesday nights, and sometimes mon & fri nights. But thank God it was not that busy and the lectures helped me understand several things such as learning what it means to be a counselor- to go alongside and fortify. Explored my role in the company, no longer a newbie after 1 year of work! Do something! And so the project in July to go Philippines!

The year in review...what shall I say? Have I missed the rest by getting myself into so many things? Not really. I feel that this has been a really growing up year for me, and I understand myself much better, what makes me tick, what are my strengths and weaknesses. I know what I can do well, and what I can't, What I enjoy and what I don't.

It was a long and lonely journey trying to find God in this whole year. Who exactly is God? Is He like what sermons portray Him to be? Can He be personable? Knowing Him is different from knowing what people say about Him. Take away church, leadership and ministry, what do you have left but God Himself!

I have a lot to thank my ex for, he has introduced me to christianity afresh through various authors and triggering my thinking to go beyond my usual perspectives. Thanks, if you are reading this.

My first breakup in March found me in an unknown valley. Un-tread and unknown grounds. Yet much at peace now, knowing that love does not mean possession, but it sometimes means letting go of those whom you love, and hoping that they find their happiness. Though, I wish often that the equation of happiness included me. Yet it wasn't to be, and perhaps never will be. Whatever it is, I know God knows the best, and I pray that if ever can be, God will bring us back together wouldn't He?

Somewhat the rest has come full circle, and I feel much more ready to serve again. Yet this time, I am serving from a position of rest, so serving doesn't mean that rest has ended. Let this peace continually rule in my heart and I pray for more joy. Pray for more wisdom and clarity. Yup, and so I volunteered to lead worship at cg retreat. There is also someone new from church whom I am asked to followup on. With apprehension but yet excitement, I face these new things in my life. I finally understand one thing, after this whole year, I am not defined by the things that I do or the roles that I play. Even though I sound so strong, but I am really afraid of the new challenges ahead. Because, the real me, is actually very shy and easily intimidated. I am only as strong and bold when God is with me.

I am scared that this peace- means that I will let go of the urgency to reach the poor and lost. I hope that it wouldn't be. I hope that the compassion will remain. I hope that I never feel so comfortable that when God calls me to uproot, I can't. I pray that I may not be afraid to be different, to voice out concerns, to challenge others and lead the way if it must be.

In the new year, I pray for new ministry opportunities. Pray that I may be surrounded by the cries of the needy, so that I may never forget. Pray that I may continue to learn humility, yet having full confidence in Christ and in my self worth because of Christ.

Amen!