Growing up

I had a quarrel with my parents last night, seems like these days we have more disagreements with each other. As u guys know, I'm going on a Mission trip on 30th April, and its a bit weird that till now no one contacted me (except for the phone call abt a month back to confirm the trip) abt the details, itinery or any preparation work. My parents are concerned and worried for me as usual, and kept asking me not to go. Hmm..on my part, not having any news makes me a little worried as well as to whether I am really going or do I have to prepare anything. Yups..but its no point that she keeps nagging at me, or my dad shouting at me abt the church inefficiency or criticising the system or getting worried that I will get bird flu. These days these things gets on my nerves much more frequently. Cos I think I am tired of being in my comfort zone and being so worried abt things. And it gets me frustrated when one side of my leg seems to be tied down by my parents.

Pretty much understand my parents' concern. And I know part of their protectiveness is love for me. That I never deny. Cos I know it. But I think they need to understand too that part of love is letting go. And part of growing up, is allowing a person to experience and smtimes at the risk of failing, and not a strong hand holding, that can smtimes be suffocating. When I was younger, I think there were less conflicts cos I pretty much conformed to all that was spoken to me. But this gets on me when I am older, at the age of 23 going to 24, I can understand their concern for me, but I wished they understood my need for some space.

Well they say that Singaporeans are conformists, and the youths don't try new things, lack of leaders and all that. Its so difficult to be a non-conformist under this kinda environment. At times I wish to move out and just have some peace and quiet on my own. Once during a conflict, my dad said me and my sis may move out if we are so unhappy here. Its scary when u see yr parents ageing, and u start to earn yr own income, become self sufficient, and pretty soon the roles would reverse where u will be taking care of yr parents. See elderly folks out with their families...and smtimes its difficult to communicate with elderly folks, u see all the polite conversations but not in-depth ones. I LOVE my parents so much that all these makes me feel really hurt and frustrated. On one hand I will like to please them by obeying their whims and fancies, on the other I just want some freedom. I think we have to learn to manage and balance that. Wrote a letter to them 2 weeks back to share abt my views but think thats not so easy. Need both parties to have an understanding for each other.

The disagreeements stem from our basic beliefs- Why do humans exist on this earth? For me, I realise I am also somewhat idealistic. I think that I exist to fulfil God's purpose, and every moment of my life I want to use it to bless someone, do smthing that is meaningful. I feel sad and compassion when I see the poor, hurting and ple who are lost. How I wish I can pour out my life to serve them. How? When? I don't know. For my parents, humans exist to do the best they can with their lives, earn a decent income, have stability and have babies and form a family. They experienced much poverty in their youth and perhaps part of their youthful aspirations were getting stable jobs, family was important. And hence they can't understand us youths- having all we want, a comfortable life and yet we are complaining? Idealism vs practicalism. I think most ple stay on the practical side. I do too, though smthing inside me shouts, I want smthing more outta this.

Something strange though...that my best fren and other closer frens around me also seem to be more of the stable and practical kind. HY for example shared with me, she feels that God is equally pleased for a christian to do mission work vs a christian who has a family and teaches his kids well. I don't really agree with that cos I think God calls us to fulfill the Great Commission. Last week's sermon, Pastor from Covenant told us a story. He said this lady asked Mother Theresa how can she be a blessing to the world, what can she do? And Mother Theresa said, go back home, take care of yr husband and family. I was shocked. Haha...I dunno...how to reconcile all that within me? A person who works 9-5 and goes home to cook etc, earns big bucks..that doesn't fulfil or satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be happy like that. But I know ple who would be. Is this kinda feeling a calling that God has given me? A desire that God placed in our hearts? Or is it that most ple are just too involved with their own lives and problems to hear the same calling fr God?

Its smtimes so difficult being a christian. Esp one who seeks to follow God's word and want to serve Him the best. U really wanna serve Him? Then let ur faith be tested if it is true. The more u step out the more u will face challenges.

I used to think that being a testimony to Christ is not sharing difficulties, challenges or my discouragements. But now I think differently. As I begin to share my struggles, I think that all the more it demonstrates that while man is weak, God is strong. David and Job in their difficult times cried out to God,and even got angry at Him! But yet in the end they say that in spite of all, they will TRUST in Him. And thats my cry to Him. I don't understand why I must go thru this. I don't FEEL like I trust Him cos of my circumstances. But I told Him in prayer that I do trust that all these things work for my good. And I know that He will bring me thru. He is good. :)

Yesterday night I was so upset and I wanted to talk to J abt my parents..and whine. But I can't do that anymore. I think he challenges me cos of his non-conformist attitude. Though perhaps cos of my conformist roots, I can't say that vice-versus, I challenge him in being more radical for Christ. Other than him, the other person who is non-conformist is Andrew. Always planning new stuff to do. But then the diff is that A's motivation comes more fr helping ple than from christian roots or beliefs. Grateful for them who challenge my world view. Heh though smtimes I think I am getting crazier by the day. And these thoughts plague me. I don't know how to shake them off. Sometimes I am scared. Scared of the decisions that I have to make and the seemingly lonely road ahead.

I hope all these thinking ends soon. As in I may have peace with myself, peace with what I want to do, and a clear vision fr God. Meanwhile I know He is bringing me thru a very meaningful experience.

Instead of thinking so much, for me now I guess I will just do what I can to bless the ple around me. I don't want to philosophize until Jesus comes back. I think as I start doing things, opportunities will open. Just do something in faith! And I believe God's guiding hand will lead.