Hi my frens,
Realise that my trip will finish on the 7th May (Sun) instead, at 3am. Sobs sobs..that means I won't get to vote. :( I have no choice. SIGH! My colleagues were laughing if I made "that" choice, when I am back, my things will be in a box and I won't be able to enter my office via access card. Ofcos all said in a jest. The vote is secret, isn't it? ;)
Well, anyway on the eve of my departure...I feel a bit ill!! Pls pray for me, I feel feverish all over and have a sore throat. And yesterday I had flu. I'm leaving tonight...aka tmr wee hrs of morning....I need yr prayers. :)
Thanks so much...
See u when I am back then. :>
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
"_
Hi,
this letter really made my day. Its from my kid in Phillipines:
Dear Sponsor,
Have a wonderful day!
Thank you for sponsoring me. I am Roseller Lacpao Jr. I am a Grade II pupil in a public school here in our place. I am the forth child in the family. We are a happy family. We attend church together.
I like to play kite with my friends especially this summer.
Our house is made of light materials such as coco lumber and bamboo strips. We have plants and flowers in our surroundings.
How about you my sponsor?
Couldn't help but smile to myself when I read this. It sounds like someone taught him how to write, but it was so warm. :>
Just spoke to my bro on the phone. I understand how u feel about yr fren cos I felt that kinda lost before too.
There's just so much hurt and depression in this world. How I wish that I could give everyone who is hurting a big big hug...
Most of all, I understand how they feel cos I struggle a bit with negative thoughts too. Being depressed is like sinking in a pit...yr thoughts go about in circles but they keep revolving in the negative. And u feel like there is no reason or future or hope. Its not so easy to SNAP out of it. I struggle too, I confess.
Wat helps me a lot is when I pray, get a book to read, or I bless someone and make someone happy. Frens also make me happy. :)
So its a everyday struggle too...for me to be happy.
Like Paul, I pray that God will take away this thorn in the flesh, but He says that His grace is sufficient for me.
And indeed it makes me feel and empathise so much more with ple who are hurting. :)
In the long term indeed, maybe that's the direction I shd pursue...gonna take up a counseling course pretty soon! Maybe in June, when it starts.
Basically there are a few thots that bother me all the time...
One of it is the ple who are lost...
secondly ple who are suffering (emotionally or physically)
Maybe like the story of the starfish...the boy throwing one into the sea at a time...helping one person at a time..is blessing someone.
How abt the many other millions who are suffering, I ask God...
How can ple remain indifferent to their surroundings and pursue their fame, money and positions?
My parents got 2 lovely & godly daughters. One of them-my sis wants to go to china to teach english..
heh..the other one...
U know who la...Me...
Actually pretty ironic hor...that my parents produce 2 daughters like us.
And speaking for myself, I am not very independent....So I shall learn that! And I shall grow older and become more mature. :>
And I shall pursue my dream.
this letter really made my day. Its from my kid in Phillipines:
Dear Sponsor,
Have a wonderful day!
Thank you for sponsoring me. I am Roseller Lacpao Jr. I am a Grade II pupil in a public school here in our place. I am the forth child in the family. We are a happy family. We attend church together.
I like to play kite with my friends especially this summer.
Our house is made of light materials such as coco lumber and bamboo strips. We have plants and flowers in our surroundings.
How about you my sponsor?
Couldn't help but smile to myself when I read this. It sounds like someone taught him how to write, but it was so warm. :>
Just spoke to my bro on the phone. I understand how u feel about yr fren cos I felt that kinda lost before too.
There's just so much hurt and depression in this world. How I wish that I could give everyone who is hurting a big big hug...
Most of all, I understand how they feel cos I struggle a bit with negative thoughts too. Being depressed is like sinking in a pit...yr thoughts go about in circles but they keep revolving in the negative. And u feel like there is no reason or future or hope. Its not so easy to SNAP out of it. I struggle too, I confess.
Wat helps me a lot is when I pray, get a book to read, or I bless someone and make someone happy. Frens also make me happy. :)
So its a everyday struggle too...for me to be happy.
Like Paul, I pray that God will take away this thorn in the flesh, but He says that His grace is sufficient for me.
And indeed it makes me feel and empathise so much more with ple who are hurting. :)
In the long term indeed, maybe that's the direction I shd pursue...gonna take up a counseling course pretty soon! Maybe in June, when it starts.
Basically there are a few thots that bother me all the time...
One of it is the ple who are lost...
secondly ple who are suffering (emotionally or physically)
Maybe like the story of the starfish...the boy throwing one into the sea at a time...helping one person at a time..is blessing someone.
How abt the many other millions who are suffering, I ask God...
How can ple remain indifferent to their surroundings and pursue their fame, money and positions?
My parents got 2 lovely & godly daughters. One of them-my sis wants to go to china to teach english..
heh..the other one...
U know who la...Me...
Actually pretty ironic hor...that my parents produce 2 daughters like us.
And speaking for myself, I am not very independent....So I shall learn that! And I shall grow older and become more mature. :>
And I shall pursue my dream.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Missions
Hi! The day is finally drawing near on the 30th April. I will be flying at 420am! Means got to reach airport at 220am. Feel so unsettled still, have to complete a lot of work in the office first. Have started reading some chinese verses and learning how to sing chinese praise and worship songs. I pray that HE will move greatly in ple's hearts, for there is no barrier in language. I also pray that thru this trip He will open up my eyes and my perspectives. =) May all glory go to Him. I feel so excited but nervous at the same time.
Parents have been worried over the mission trip. That creates mixed feelings within me, cos I love them so much to make them feel worried! But yet I know that this is a trip that I must make. Have been praying for them to be understanding, and mum has been encouraging in a way, telling me she is praying for me. And she also helped me get some toiletries etc. Guess someday somehow I would have had to make that breakthrough, for every bird needs to fly fr its nest. And let this trip be the first breakthrough. Well, I believe that if I am walking with God, He will make things possible. So may He protect the family, bless us with peace & understanding. And may He cause my parents to grow in their faith and trust in Him as well.
Thank God for many frens for their prayers and support. One person I can't do without esp... ;) But slowly learning to trust God. Besides God, we all need frens to challenge us. And I wish that one day I may serve God with him. Quite wistful. Having company encourages one. Two are better than one! I pray I may never lose that fire and fervancy for Him.
Parents have been worried over the mission trip. That creates mixed feelings within me, cos I love them so much to make them feel worried! But yet I know that this is a trip that I must make. Have been praying for them to be understanding, and mum has been encouraging in a way, telling me she is praying for me. And she also helped me get some toiletries etc. Guess someday somehow I would have had to make that breakthrough, for every bird needs to fly fr its nest. And let this trip be the first breakthrough. Well, I believe that if I am walking with God, He will make things possible. So may He protect the family, bless us with peace & understanding. And may He cause my parents to grow in their faith and trust in Him as well.
Thank God for many frens for their prayers and support. One person I can't do without esp... ;) But slowly learning to trust God. Besides God, we all need frens to challenge us. And I wish that one day I may serve God with him. Quite wistful. Having company encourages one. Two are better than one! I pray I may never lose that fire and fervancy for Him.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I am Yours
Isaiah 43:1-7
1 But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.
U know, its great to know that we belong to God. Was praying the other day and was reminded that I am His possession. No matter what comes my way, He will protect me.
So no matter how abandoned we feel in this world, or how out of place we feel in organizations and institutions, it doesn't matter. Cos we are HIS. We belong to Him.
1 But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.
U know, its great to know that we belong to God. Was praying the other day and was reminded that I am His possession. No matter what comes my way, He will protect me.
So no matter how abandoned we feel in this world, or how out of place we feel in organizations and institutions, it doesn't matter. Cos we are HIS. We belong to Him.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Memories
Today I went to the gym!! Cardio class was fun, and it was great when I was able to follow the steps. And then Wed I had this other tum bum and abs class to train those 3 parts of the body, and after that I have muscle ache all over. :(
Thur I visited Vene's cg. 2nd adult cg I've visited so far. The people were so warm and frenly, so it was nice. Memories came flooding back as she led praise and worship and preached and prayed. And I vividly see myself just sitting there across her like years ago with my uniform...bermudas..t shirt etc and saying yes and amen and so encouraged by her. Yesterday's word was on Faith, and having expectancy and being positive. It was an encouraging word. :)
Though I think the person I am now and those years ago is different. I have grown and some of my thoughts have changed. But I will always always remember her. Cos she was the one who stirred me up to have a dream for God and encouraged me when I had no confidence of being a cgl. She saw my tears..knows abt my family and my struggles and all that. And she has a special place in my heart.
I've grown and I am glad...that christianity isn't based on a person. When we first start off we all have our mentors to encourage us. But I'm glad that along the way I've learnt new things as well.
So many decisions to make abt cell, church etc. :P I wanna grow in God!! Hmm..so tell me which is the best place for me at this time in my life?
Went for my own cell today also. And then had dinner/supper with bro MJ, Chin, Alan, Jasmine(yay she came today!) and kaichin. Had quite a nice time. And I can see that Bro MJ is really a good leader. He loves ple so much! I'm glad the cell is in his good hands. Really thankful. And then I think I can happily move on already. No more regrets, have done all I could that God has called me to do here. So yups...
the question is where shd I move to?
Thur I visited Vene's cg. 2nd adult cg I've visited so far. The people were so warm and frenly, so it was nice. Memories came flooding back as she led praise and worship and preached and prayed. And I vividly see myself just sitting there across her like years ago with my uniform...bermudas..t shirt etc and saying yes and amen and so encouraged by her. Yesterday's word was on Faith, and having expectancy and being positive. It was an encouraging word. :)
Though I think the person I am now and those years ago is different. I have grown and some of my thoughts have changed. But I will always always remember her. Cos she was the one who stirred me up to have a dream for God and encouraged me when I had no confidence of being a cgl. She saw my tears..knows abt my family and my struggles and all that. And she has a special place in my heart.
I've grown and I am glad...that christianity isn't based on a person. When we first start off we all have our mentors to encourage us. But I'm glad that along the way I've learnt new things as well.
So many decisions to make abt cell, church etc. :P I wanna grow in God!! Hmm..so tell me which is the best place for me at this time in my life?
Went for my own cell today also. And then had dinner/supper with bro MJ, Chin, Alan, Jasmine(yay she came today!) and kaichin. Had quite a nice time. And I can see that Bro MJ is really a good leader. He loves ple so much! I'm glad the cell is in his good hands. Really thankful. And then I think I can happily move on already. No more regrets, have done all I could that God has called me to do here. So yups...
the question is where shd I move to?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Spirit of gratitude
Heh. Easter came and went.
As usual, the easter musical never failed to touch me. Always brings tears to my eyes.
I just wanted to write this post to thank God for everything. For giving me life, love, family, home, work, friends etc and all that.
I know that all things work for the good of those who love Him.
May I never lose the spirit of thanksgiving and gratitude. :)
Hmm..smthing made me feel quite grateful for my job and my kind boss today. Thot in comparison I might have a demanding and rude boss. But mine is kind and fatherly. I think God really knows the season of our lives we are at, and the kind of environment that we need. I think that I am really quite shy and intimidated by ple, so a sales job won't do for me. Tho I often complain abt my sit down at desk number crunching job, maybe at this season, I am grateful enuff for it. Its a part of stability while the other aspects of my life are moving.
Always been praying for God to use me to heal broken hearts. Realise that these days I really meet so many of these. And I think that this season of brokenness for me, helps me indeed to identify with how the hurting feel. Well, God never wastes any period of our lives. =) I pray that I become a better person, and stronger too!!
So it is..always a journey of finding and discovering oneself. And events always lead us to understand ourselves better. I realise I am not so strong, independent or vocal person. U know how sometimes we wish to be of a certain personality, and we kinda project this image on ourselves, when we really aren't it.
Just like I always wanted to be a cell group leader, where I visioned myself standing in front of a group of ple, preaching, challenging and changing lives! But after doing that for a while I realise that I am not good at challenging ple, and there's this intimidation/fear that I need to overcome!
Or the dream to be high on the corporate leader and preach to bizness men about God. Thats a kind of an image to be confident, strong and independent woman, which I really like for myself.
But as I went through this period many of the images I envisioned for myself broke down. And I am truly humbled.
Speaking of being "spiritual", I realise I am not. Beneath the fascade of works and all that, and structures and stability, and there is only me and God.
And thats challenging. And humbling...
Yet it is also a period of growth for me. :)
Yups, so all thanks to Jesus!!! May this heart of gratitude stay with me forever. No matter what happens...though I walk thru the valley, U are with me!
May I be a channel of blessing to the hurting. Use me God!
As usual, the easter musical never failed to touch me. Always brings tears to my eyes.
I just wanted to write this post to thank God for everything. For giving me life, love, family, home, work, friends etc and all that.
I know that all things work for the good of those who love Him.
May I never lose the spirit of thanksgiving and gratitude. :)
Hmm..smthing made me feel quite grateful for my job and my kind boss today. Thot in comparison I might have a demanding and rude boss. But mine is kind and fatherly. I think God really knows the season of our lives we are at, and the kind of environment that we need. I think that I am really quite shy and intimidated by ple, so a sales job won't do for me. Tho I often complain abt my sit down at desk number crunching job, maybe at this season, I am grateful enuff for it. Its a part of stability while the other aspects of my life are moving.
Always been praying for God to use me to heal broken hearts. Realise that these days I really meet so many of these. And I think that this season of brokenness for me, helps me indeed to identify with how the hurting feel. Well, God never wastes any period of our lives. =) I pray that I become a better person, and stronger too!!
So it is..always a journey of finding and discovering oneself. And events always lead us to understand ourselves better. I realise I am not so strong, independent or vocal person. U know how sometimes we wish to be of a certain personality, and we kinda project this image on ourselves, when we really aren't it.
Just like I always wanted to be a cell group leader, where I visioned myself standing in front of a group of ple, preaching, challenging and changing lives! But after doing that for a while I realise that I am not good at challenging ple, and there's this intimidation/fear that I need to overcome!
Or the dream to be high on the corporate leader and preach to bizness men about God. Thats a kind of an image to be confident, strong and independent woman, which I really like for myself.
But as I went through this period many of the images I envisioned for myself broke down. And I am truly humbled.
Speaking of being "spiritual", I realise I am not. Beneath the fascade of works and all that, and structures and stability, and there is only me and God.
And thats challenging. And humbling...
Yet it is also a period of growth for me. :)
Yups, so all thanks to Jesus!!! May this heart of gratitude stay with me forever. No matter what happens...though I walk thru the valley, U are with me!
May I be a channel of blessing to the hurting. Use me God!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
width="240" height="180"Thursday, April 13, 2006
Faith, God, Pain & Me
Its been a tough week, busy week at work...the week went pass slowly yet very fast...these days time passes by rather slowly actually. And some periods of time are painful.
Read a good fren's blog this week and saw the title of his blog "embracing atheism". Since then I've not spoken to him and can't sms cos he lost his hp. If you are reading this...pls know that I care.
I guess this bothered me pretty much more than I would want to admit. It was painful reading that blog.
At the end of the day, every individual makes his decision to be a christian or not. That's because faith is a personal thing between us and God. No one can make the decision for u, nor force u into believing in Christ. It hurts because I think that this good fren is making a very emotional decision in embracing atheism.
Not a theology expert but speaking from experience. There are times in our lives where christians will doubt God's existence. Even as I go through the process of breakup and stopping ministry, there are times where I feel so alone. And in my tears I ask God, God are u really there or not? Why am I going through all these things and I don't sense u at all. If you are really there then why must I go through these sufferings? Do u care that I am in pain?
But to reject God. I will never. Cos deep within me....how I am intrinsically made, the emotions that I feel, cannot help but point me to the maker. That there is a higher being who created emotions of love and joy and peace.
When I consider the heavens....
When I look at the stars the sky the sea the mountains..I am in awe of nature. And the wonderful work of creation.
And I can't ever believe that these were created by a scientific big bang...
Or that humans naturally evolved from other beings..
Natures laws and natures wonders.
Not trying to persuade anyone here. And the above is not good apologetics. Just some of my deepest thoughts in trying to understand pain and my maker.
Our faith in God is a constant struggle against doubt/unbelief and fear. If u are human u face these emotions.
---
These days another things bothers me...
That many are lost and will remain lost.
And in the heart of the Father, His loving nature, smtimes I find it so hard to trust. How can all my frens come to know Him? I can't force them. I can share with them. And that gives me a burden...
How will God reconcille men to Him? In His sovereignity, I pray that He will show it to me.
---
I struggle between selfless love and love being selfish by nature.
By virtue of love, one desires to be with the person one loves. To hold, to care for and to be loved back.
Yet love..as the bible teaches us, is long suffering, patient, kind, does not envy, does not bear grudges.
In my moments of being alone, I can't help but recall memories of being loved, of loving, of being, of promises made, of kindness, of joy. And the heart yearns again to experience love.
But love in its greatest form...is Agape..
Unconditional love.
Read a good fren's blog this week and saw the title of his blog "embracing atheism". Since then I've not spoken to him and can't sms cos he lost his hp. If you are reading this...pls know that I care.
I guess this bothered me pretty much more than I would want to admit. It was painful reading that blog.
At the end of the day, every individual makes his decision to be a christian or not. That's because faith is a personal thing between us and God. No one can make the decision for u, nor force u into believing in Christ. It hurts because I think that this good fren is making a very emotional decision in embracing atheism.
Not a theology expert but speaking from experience. There are times in our lives where christians will doubt God's existence. Even as I go through the process of breakup and stopping ministry, there are times where I feel so alone. And in my tears I ask God, God are u really there or not? Why am I going through all these things and I don't sense u at all. If you are really there then why must I go through these sufferings? Do u care that I am in pain?
But to reject God. I will never. Cos deep within me....how I am intrinsically made, the emotions that I feel, cannot help but point me to the maker. That there is a higher being who created emotions of love and joy and peace.
When I consider the heavens....
When I look at the stars the sky the sea the mountains..I am in awe of nature. And the wonderful work of creation.
And I can't ever believe that these were created by a scientific big bang...
Or that humans naturally evolved from other beings..
Natures laws and natures wonders.
Not trying to persuade anyone here. And the above is not good apologetics. Just some of my deepest thoughts in trying to understand pain and my maker.
Our faith in God is a constant struggle against doubt/unbelief and fear. If u are human u face these emotions.
---
These days another things bothers me...
That many are lost and will remain lost.
And in the heart of the Father, His loving nature, smtimes I find it so hard to trust. How can all my frens come to know Him? I can't force them. I can share with them. And that gives me a burden...
How will God reconcille men to Him? In His sovereignity, I pray that He will show it to me.
---
I struggle between selfless love and love being selfish by nature.
By virtue of love, one desires to be with the person one loves. To hold, to care for and to be loved back.
Yet love..as the bible teaches us, is long suffering, patient, kind, does not envy, does not bear grudges.
In my moments of being alone, I can't help but recall memories of being loved, of loving, of being, of promises made, of kindness, of joy. And the heart yearns again to experience love.
But love in its greatest form...is Agape..
Unconditional love.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Easter
Hi all,
easter holiday this friday! yay! But more than the holiday, its to remember how Christ died for our sins and rose again. :)
My church is having a musical. You are invited to come!
Saturday 450 & 730pm
Sunday 10am & 130pm
See ya there!
easter holiday this friday! yay! But more than the holiday, its to remember how Christ died for our sins and rose again. :)
My church is having a musical. You are invited to come!
Saturday 450 & 730pm
Sunday 10am & 130pm
See ya there!
Monday, April 10, 2006
:)
Just a short post...
Enjoyed Pastor Tan's msg on Saturday.
And Sunday's sermon at Covenant was very very good. Really liked the message. Challenged my ideas of being committed vs surrender.
Commitment=telling God I want to do great things for Him
Surrender=acknowledge I can do nothing except IN Him
That wowed me quite a bit. At the end of the msg I told God I was so sorry, and I felt really touched.
As I read my old posts I realise I've been a very emotional christian. But from now on I'm not just going to base my faith on emotion=feeling good, feeling God's presence, crying etc. I will base my faith on both the Spirit and the Word of God. I think the Word of God is so so impt. Impt for it to be balanced and read in its context. :)
I don't know where my faith journey will lead me to, but meanwhile its a new stage for my christian walk.
Went out with sister on saturday night for dinner and walked ard a bit and talked. Glad that we have much to share abt and we encourage each other. Sunday after service I met Andrew. Heh, after few months. Glad for the catching up as well.
Yups..glad that I'm moving on.
On memories...the beautiful memories remain part of me. And these days I smile when I think of them. Love is letting go. And I appreciate that statement so much more now. I learn to love. Love is not possessing. He always has a place in my heart.
One day maybe..we will both find our happiness with another. We will get married with others. heh. One day maybe..we will arrive at the same point again in our journey and get back together.
Doesn't matter.
Yesterday during service, pastor asked is it time to STOP? And surrender. Surrender means ALL. And yes it is abt time I surrendered to God. All aspects of my life including relationships, work, church and ministry. I know all circumstances I go thru will only bring me closer to Him.
Enjoyed Pastor Tan's msg on Saturday.
And Sunday's sermon at Covenant was very very good. Really liked the message. Challenged my ideas of being committed vs surrender.
Commitment=telling God I want to do great things for Him
Surrender=acknowledge I can do nothing except IN Him
That wowed me quite a bit. At the end of the msg I told God I was so sorry, and I felt really touched.
As I read my old posts I realise I've been a very emotional christian. But from now on I'm not just going to base my faith on emotion=feeling good, feeling God's presence, crying etc. I will base my faith on both the Spirit and the Word of God. I think the Word of God is so so impt. Impt for it to be balanced and read in its context. :)
I don't know where my faith journey will lead me to, but meanwhile its a new stage for my christian walk.
Went out with sister on saturday night for dinner and walked ard a bit and talked. Glad that we have much to share abt and we encourage each other. Sunday after service I met Andrew. Heh, after few months. Glad for the catching up as well.
Yups..glad that I'm moving on.
On memories...the beautiful memories remain part of me. And these days I smile when I think of them. Love is letting go. And I appreciate that statement so much more now. I learn to love. Love is not possessing. He always has a place in my heart.
One day maybe..we will both find our happiness with another. We will get married with others. heh. One day maybe..we will arrive at the same point again in our journey and get back together.
Doesn't matter.
Yesterday during service, pastor asked is it time to STOP? And surrender. Surrender means ALL. And yes it is abt time I surrendered to God. All aspects of my life including relationships, work, church and ministry. I know all circumstances I go thru will only bring me closer to Him.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Growing up
I had a quarrel with my parents last night, seems like these days we have more disagreements with each other. As u guys know, I'm going on a Mission trip on 30th April, and its a bit weird that till now no one contacted me (except for the phone call abt a month back to confirm the trip) abt the details, itinery or any preparation work. My parents are concerned and worried for me as usual, and kept asking me not to go. Hmm..on my part, not having any news makes me a little worried as well as to whether I am really going or do I have to prepare anything. Yups..but its no point that she keeps nagging at me, or my dad shouting at me abt the church inefficiency or criticising the system or getting worried that I will get bird flu. These days these things gets on my nerves much more frequently. Cos I think I am tired of being in my comfort zone and being so worried abt things. And it gets me frustrated when one side of my leg seems to be tied down by my parents.
Pretty much understand my parents' concern. And I know part of their protectiveness is love for me. That I never deny. Cos I know it. But I think they need to understand too that part of love is letting go. And part of growing up, is allowing a person to experience and smtimes at the risk of failing, and not a strong hand holding, that can smtimes be suffocating. When I was younger, I think there were less conflicts cos I pretty much conformed to all that was spoken to me. But this gets on me when I am older, at the age of 23 going to 24, I can understand their concern for me, but I wished they understood my need for some space.
Well they say that Singaporeans are conformists, and the youths don't try new things, lack of leaders and all that. Its so difficult to be a non-conformist under this kinda environment. At times I wish to move out and just have some peace and quiet on my own. Once during a conflict, my dad said me and my sis may move out if we are so unhappy here. Its scary when u see yr parents ageing, and u start to earn yr own income, become self sufficient, and pretty soon the roles would reverse where u will be taking care of yr parents. See elderly folks out with their families...and smtimes its difficult to communicate with elderly folks, u see all the polite conversations but not in-depth ones. I LOVE my parents so much that all these makes me feel really hurt and frustrated. On one hand I will like to please them by obeying their whims and fancies, on the other I just want some freedom. I think we have to learn to manage and balance that. Wrote a letter to them 2 weeks back to share abt my views but think thats not so easy. Need both parties to have an understanding for each other.
The disagreeements stem from our basic beliefs- Why do humans exist on this earth? For me, I realise I am also somewhat idealistic. I think that I exist to fulfil God's purpose, and every moment of my life I want to use it to bless someone, do smthing that is meaningful. I feel sad and compassion when I see the poor, hurting and ple who are lost. How I wish I can pour out my life to serve them. How? When? I don't know. For my parents, humans exist to do the best they can with their lives, earn a decent income, have stability and have babies and form a family. They experienced much poverty in their youth and perhaps part of their youthful aspirations were getting stable jobs, family was important. And hence they can't understand us youths- having all we want, a comfortable life and yet we are complaining? Idealism vs practicalism. I think most ple stay on the practical side. I do too, though smthing inside me shouts, I want smthing more outta this.
Something strange though...that my best fren and other closer frens around me also seem to be more of the stable and practical kind. HY for example shared with me, she feels that God is equally pleased for a christian to do mission work vs a christian who has a family and teaches his kids well. I don't really agree with that cos I think God calls us to fulfill the Great Commission. Last week's sermon, Pastor from Covenant told us a story. He said this lady asked Mother Theresa how can she be a blessing to the world, what can she do? And Mother Theresa said, go back home, take care of yr husband and family. I was shocked. Haha...I dunno...how to reconcile all that within me? A person who works 9-5 and goes home to cook etc, earns big bucks..that doesn't fulfil or satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be happy like that. But I know ple who would be. Is this kinda feeling a calling that God has given me? A desire that God placed in our hearts? Or is it that most ple are just too involved with their own lives and problems to hear the same calling fr God?
Its smtimes so difficult being a christian. Esp one who seeks to follow God's word and want to serve Him the best. U really wanna serve Him? Then let ur faith be tested if it is true. The more u step out the more u will face challenges.
I used to think that being a testimony to Christ is not sharing difficulties, challenges or my discouragements. But now I think differently. As I begin to share my struggles, I think that all the more it demonstrates that while man is weak, God is strong. David and Job in their difficult times cried out to God,and even got angry at Him! But yet in the end they say that in spite of all, they will TRUST in Him. And thats my cry to Him. I don't understand why I must go thru this. I don't FEEL like I trust Him cos of my circumstances. But I told Him in prayer that I do trust that all these things work for my good. And I know that He will bring me thru. He is good. :)
Yesterday night I was so upset and I wanted to talk to J abt my parents..and whine. But I can't do that anymore. I think he challenges me cos of his non-conformist attitude. Though perhaps cos of my conformist roots, I can't say that vice-versus, I challenge him in being more radical for Christ. Other than him, the other person who is non-conformist is Andrew. Always planning new stuff to do. But then the diff is that A's motivation comes more fr helping ple than from christian roots or beliefs. Grateful for them who challenge my world view. Heh though smtimes I think I am getting crazier by the day. And these thoughts plague me. I don't know how to shake them off. Sometimes I am scared. Scared of the decisions that I have to make and the seemingly lonely road ahead.
I hope all these thinking ends soon. As in I may have peace with myself, peace with what I want to do, and a clear vision fr God. Meanwhile I know He is bringing me thru a very meaningful experience.
Instead of thinking so much, for me now I guess I will just do what I can to bless the ple around me. I don't want to philosophize until Jesus comes back. I think as I start doing things, opportunities will open. Just do something in faith! And I believe God's guiding hand will lead.
Pretty much understand my parents' concern. And I know part of their protectiveness is love for me. That I never deny. Cos I know it. But I think they need to understand too that part of love is letting go. And part of growing up, is allowing a person to experience and smtimes at the risk of failing, and not a strong hand holding, that can smtimes be suffocating. When I was younger, I think there were less conflicts cos I pretty much conformed to all that was spoken to me. But this gets on me when I am older, at the age of 23 going to 24, I can understand their concern for me, but I wished they understood my need for some space.
Well they say that Singaporeans are conformists, and the youths don't try new things, lack of leaders and all that. Its so difficult to be a non-conformist under this kinda environment. At times I wish to move out and just have some peace and quiet on my own. Once during a conflict, my dad said me and my sis may move out if we are so unhappy here. Its scary when u see yr parents ageing, and u start to earn yr own income, become self sufficient, and pretty soon the roles would reverse where u will be taking care of yr parents. See elderly folks out with their families...and smtimes its difficult to communicate with elderly folks, u see all the polite conversations but not in-depth ones. I LOVE my parents so much that all these makes me feel really hurt and frustrated. On one hand I will like to please them by obeying their whims and fancies, on the other I just want some freedom. I think we have to learn to manage and balance that. Wrote a letter to them 2 weeks back to share abt my views but think thats not so easy. Need both parties to have an understanding for each other.
The disagreeements stem from our basic beliefs- Why do humans exist on this earth? For me, I realise I am also somewhat idealistic. I think that I exist to fulfil God's purpose, and every moment of my life I want to use it to bless someone, do smthing that is meaningful. I feel sad and compassion when I see the poor, hurting and ple who are lost. How I wish I can pour out my life to serve them. How? When? I don't know. For my parents, humans exist to do the best they can with their lives, earn a decent income, have stability and have babies and form a family. They experienced much poverty in their youth and perhaps part of their youthful aspirations were getting stable jobs, family was important. And hence they can't understand us youths- having all we want, a comfortable life and yet we are complaining? Idealism vs practicalism. I think most ple stay on the practical side. I do too, though smthing inside me shouts, I want smthing more outta this.
Something strange though...that my best fren and other closer frens around me also seem to be more of the stable and practical kind. HY for example shared with me, she feels that God is equally pleased for a christian to do mission work vs a christian who has a family and teaches his kids well. I don't really agree with that cos I think God calls us to fulfill the Great Commission. Last week's sermon, Pastor from Covenant told us a story. He said this lady asked Mother Theresa how can she be a blessing to the world, what can she do? And Mother Theresa said, go back home, take care of yr husband and family. I was shocked. Haha...I dunno...how to reconcile all that within me? A person who works 9-5 and goes home to cook etc, earns big bucks..that doesn't fulfil or satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be happy like that. But I know ple who would be. Is this kinda feeling a calling that God has given me? A desire that God placed in our hearts? Or is it that most ple are just too involved with their own lives and problems to hear the same calling fr God?
Its smtimes so difficult being a christian. Esp one who seeks to follow God's word and want to serve Him the best. U really wanna serve Him? Then let ur faith be tested if it is true. The more u step out the more u will face challenges.
I used to think that being a testimony to Christ is not sharing difficulties, challenges or my discouragements. But now I think differently. As I begin to share my struggles, I think that all the more it demonstrates that while man is weak, God is strong. David and Job in their difficult times cried out to God,and even got angry at Him! But yet in the end they say that in spite of all, they will TRUST in Him. And thats my cry to Him. I don't understand why I must go thru this. I don't FEEL like I trust Him cos of my circumstances. But I told Him in prayer that I do trust that all these things work for my good. And I know that He will bring me thru. He is good. :)
Yesterday night I was so upset and I wanted to talk to J abt my parents..and whine. But I can't do that anymore. I think he challenges me cos of his non-conformist attitude. Though perhaps cos of my conformist roots, I can't say that vice-versus, I challenge him in being more radical for Christ. Other than him, the other person who is non-conformist is Andrew. Always planning new stuff to do. But then the diff is that A's motivation comes more fr helping ple than from christian roots or beliefs. Grateful for them who challenge my world view. Heh though smtimes I think I am getting crazier by the day. And these thoughts plague me. I don't know how to shake them off. Sometimes I am scared. Scared of the decisions that I have to make and the seemingly lonely road ahead.
I hope all these thinking ends soon. As in I may have peace with myself, peace with what I want to do, and a clear vision fr God. Meanwhile I know He is bringing me thru a very meaningful experience.
Instead of thinking so much, for me now I guess I will just do what I can to bless the ple around me. I don't want to philosophize until Jesus comes back. I think as I start doing things, opportunities will open. Just do something in faith! And I believe God's guiding hand will lead.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Loss
Time passes really slowly these days. This feeling of loss that I try to shake away.
Finished The Severe Mercy. Was quite a good book esp in its ending parts, when the protagonist was able to reconcile the loss of his wife (due to an illness). He described the initial stage as a time of grieve-where he kept thinking of her everyday and imagined her being with him. And then after some time he felt nothing, cos grieve left his heart, and what remained was an emptiness. The second stage he describes as a second death, which was somewhat more difficult than the first stage.
I guess the loss may not be death, but the departure of someone close. There's a fluctuation between grieve and nothingness. The feeling of nothingness is scary. Its as if one day, this part of u, the memories u shared with someone so close to u will just disappear and mean nothing to u. What then? When we move on...and nothing remains...even memories no longer impt. Yet part of moving on is the letting go of memories. And hence the very step of decision itself is difficult..to let go of the memory and to come to terms with reality.
Finished The Severe Mercy. Was quite a good book esp in its ending parts, when the protagonist was able to reconcile the loss of his wife (due to an illness). He described the initial stage as a time of grieve-where he kept thinking of her everyday and imagined her being with him. And then after some time he felt nothing, cos grieve left his heart, and what remained was an emptiness. The second stage he describes as a second death, which was somewhat more difficult than the first stage.
I guess the loss may not be death, but the departure of someone close. There's a fluctuation between grieve and nothingness. The feeling of nothingness is scary. Its as if one day, this part of u, the memories u shared with someone so close to u will just disappear and mean nothing to u. What then? When we move on...and nothing remains...even memories no longer impt. Yet part of moving on is the letting go of memories. And hence the very step of decision itself is difficult..to let go of the memory and to come to terms with reality.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Decision making
Went to High Point to meet Pastor Don on Saturday. It was quite a good visit though there was some miscomm and I waited for 1 hr at the restaurant while he was waiting for me to call him. Glad that we had a good talk and all that. Not just abt aspects he needed help in for High Point, but also abt church and all that. :) Gonna do some voluntary work for him for fund raising and some of his SE businesses. Feel rather excited about all that tho not sure how it would work out, whether I have the time and then there are other things I was hoping to do like the YEP and the counseling course. But I guess I figured out that if I were to sit on all my decisions I will probably never ever do anything with my life. So I shd just start with this first and concurrently pray for other opportunities.
In the midst of planning all these, how I wished I were a student all over again. Cos of the modular system in biz, I get to choose watever time slot I want. I can then spend the rest of my time helping Pastor Don and the other parts of my time planning YEP and then going for counseling course. Hmm..or if I owned my own business or I were working part time, my time would be freed up to do all these. Har..but the plus pt of being a student is that one need not provide for the family and is not expected to bring home any income.
Then again I must be mindful not to fill up ALL my time slots with many activities. Merely a replacing of the gap within me with activities is not good. And I am reminded that I need lotsa time with God. Never again to crowd out listening and waiting on God with activities.
I visited Covenant Evangelical Free Church on Sunday for their 12pm service. I must say it was refreshing and I enjoyed the service a lot. The moment I stepped into the church I saw my VCF frens. Met Celia, Gabriel, Stephen...Leaders whom I respected a lot in VCF. The sermon was on Colossians..they are currently doing a series on Colossians. It strangely reminds me of R.T. Kendall cos of the way line by line was covered and by book rather than thematic. I remembered like 3 years ago when I first went for VCF camp, Fellowship teachings etc, I didn't appreciate this manner of teaching very much. Back then I felt it was not spirit filled enough or exciting enough and many of the bible verses were just explained as they were, not like Pastor Kong's revelations that diff objects/people represented different things in the spiritual realm. Yet yesterday I appreciated it a lot, the down-to-earth interpretation, line by line, and the msg abt being IN Christ was good.
Had lunch with Willie's cell, and then Celia came over and it was good chatting all over again. Opened up to her abt many of my struggles and it was nice being cared for and being ministered to. :) Yup..then met up another fren later and we chatted and walked around a bit.
Something not very nice happened to someone I love. It's really difficult to care for someone from afar. U wanna call and sms but then u don't cos it is more unloving to do that and will make him feel worst. So I am still praying and trusting God for him, I think Papa knows best. :) God be merciful! And be with us in the midst of our valleys.
In the midst of planning all these, how I wished I were a student all over again. Cos of the modular system in biz, I get to choose watever time slot I want. I can then spend the rest of my time helping Pastor Don and the other parts of my time planning YEP and then going for counseling course. Hmm..or if I owned my own business or I were working part time, my time would be freed up to do all these. Har..but the plus pt of being a student is that one need not provide for the family and is not expected to bring home any income.
Then again I must be mindful not to fill up ALL my time slots with many activities. Merely a replacing of the gap within me with activities is not good. And I am reminded that I need lotsa time with God. Never again to crowd out listening and waiting on God with activities.
I visited Covenant Evangelical Free Church on Sunday for their 12pm service. I must say it was refreshing and I enjoyed the service a lot. The moment I stepped into the church I saw my VCF frens. Met Celia, Gabriel, Stephen...Leaders whom I respected a lot in VCF. The sermon was on Colossians..they are currently doing a series on Colossians. It strangely reminds me of R.T. Kendall cos of the way line by line was covered and by book rather than thematic. I remembered like 3 years ago when I first went for VCF camp, Fellowship teachings etc, I didn't appreciate this manner of teaching very much. Back then I felt it was not spirit filled enough or exciting enough and many of the bible verses were just explained as they were, not like Pastor Kong's revelations that diff objects/people represented different things in the spiritual realm. Yet yesterday I appreciated it a lot, the down-to-earth interpretation, line by line, and the msg abt being IN Christ was good.
Had lunch with Willie's cell, and then Celia came over and it was good chatting all over again. Opened up to her abt many of my struggles and it was nice being cared for and being ministered to. :) Yup..then met up another fren later and we chatted and walked around a bit.
Something not very nice happened to someone I love. It's really difficult to care for someone from afar. U wanna call and sms but then u don't cos it is more unloving to do that and will make him feel worst. So I am still praying and trusting God for him, I think Papa knows best. :) God be merciful! And be with us in the midst of our valleys.
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