The dream cycle

It was an awesome nite with Pastor Phil. Tuesday was good, wednesday was even better. :)
Pastor shared from Titus 1:5. Wow..He had such amazing revelations from one verse! God left us in this world for a reason.

When you want to be a man/woman of God, there will be D-days in our lives
1. Disillusionment
2. Discouragement
3. Depression
4. Death

Depression. I love this bit. It was defined as a black pit with slippery slides, on a snowy day, with a lion in the pit.
That is when, u gotto PULL out the word of God and defeat the lion.
Death....
Sometimes our dream dies.
God waits until the dream is so totally dead so that He can resurrect it again.

Isa 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

When God is your God, you will not be dismayed.
But when your dream is your God, you will be dismayed.

I wanted to type this entry to encourage u guys who have been going thru a difficult patch.

I remember many times that my dream had died.

I had wanted to be a cgl since about two years after I became a christian. I only became one five years later.

Ushering
I started off as an usher in the church. And even then I couldn't come for all the support duties and serve at seminars. My parents scolded me whenever I was home late. I COULD NOT attend nite bible study classes. I could NOT attend cg meetings.
After 6 months of cg-lessness I made a stand, went for CG regularly.

I started off with one nite of bible studies. Then two nites, and then one day I made a stand and went for all three nites.
It was awesome.
It was Pastor Phil's conference. Back then, it was at World Trade Centre. I never forget...how I wore my VJC uniform, and brought my formal clothes along, and even shoes, and rushed to the toilet to change.

During THAT particular meeting, I experienced God in a very tangible manner. The closest I ever felt with Him. And it was there and then I knew and knew for sure that God was real.

Went for many conferences, can't remember exactly which one. And during those conferences, I always had a vision. A vision of masses of faces in front of me, and I was preaching to them. And when I spoke, people teared, hearts got healed.

Back to ushering..I was still a small usher, very disatisfied. And I asked God, can I become an IC?
One nite in my room, I was praying and the Holy Spirit asked me, "XJ, if you were not to become a leader, will u still serve me?"
I went...YEs...and I broke down.
For then God checked my heart. XJ..why do u wanna be a leader? To get the glory and fame? Or was it because u loved me?

After the "death" of that dream, I suddenly had more responsiblities in usher. I started helping my usher ic to do followup.

But my dream...was to be a cgl.

There are many other exciting things that happened in between. But to cut the long story short...

In Dec 2002, I went to the leadership training course. It was GREAT. The cg was supposed to multiply in June 2003. I started leading praise and worship. As it drew nearer to June 2003...the cg didn't grow, and it din look like it was gonna multiply.
I remember one time after service, as I was talking to vene, I started to cry. Cos I felt I couldn't make it. My praise...when I led praise, I was filled with fear. And dread. And I asked her, can I really be a cgl or not? I think I am not cut for it.

We shifted the target to Dec 2003. I needed time to grow.
Dec 2003, the cg didn't multiply.

My peers had all taken their respective cg. One year later, I am still PCGL.

Haha....
And I remember Pastor Ulf came for conference then.
And my peers were being prayed for? And during the worship, I felt His touch, and He said wait..and to trust. And again the death of my dream..
I said tat doesn't matter if I am a leader or not, I just wanted to dwell in His presence.

April 2004..I took over the cg. Vene went to take another cg.
The cg was dry..week after week..the same faces...
Sis Jo came to evaluate the cg, she said...she thinks I may need some more time to do understudy under another leader. I was all ready to step down. But i didn't feel the peace. I didn't feel the joy. I felt DOWN. I felt discouraged.
After one week of praying, I met pastor. Pastor asked me if I wanted to continue. I said yes I did. And she gave me a chance.
The cg disbanded in Oct 2004.
I was BROKEN.

I told God I cannot take it any more...
Please deliver me.

In those most days, as I sat into Roy's cg meetings, God touched me and renewed me. ROy gave me a lot of encouragement...and I was refreshed.

Time to start again!! Amen. Now a new cg...revival and growth!

But it didn't grow...
Steph and ryan backslided.
Today I still grieve for them.

Feb 2005 D-day.
Three of my girls wanted to change cg. One girl said she was not growing in my cg, she said none of my business which cg she wanted to go to. She said I was out of line in lecturing her.
Pastor said I lack communications skills.

Those days I almost cried every nite.

But I broke thru. During Pastor Ulf's meeting again.
And again.
The circumstances didn't change. But I did.

Pastor came to sit into cg, she said I improved a lot in my preaching. And then when Pastor Kong prayed for me, I felt the Holy Spirit said, I have called you to leadership.

Yesterday during the meeting...
I gave it all to God once again.

Now..the thing changed...
God ask me a new thing. He said "XJ, why do u wan the cg to grow?"
The ans would be I want people to know God..and to experience His love.
And then He searched my heart...
Did i wanna grow it so tat ple will say..wow, xj, great leader, brought revival to her cg?

The Holy SPirit prompted...He said some more some more..
some more brokenness.
ALmost there.

Seems like there is still a long way to go. :)