Little Children

Its kinda interesting that I've taken an interest to children recently. hehe. The bible says let the little children come into God's kingdom. There's a simplicity about children that warms my heart. And ofcos the immense potential that each kiddo carries. =) I think that children's ministry would be a crucial component too, in missions work, bcos in teaching the children while they are young the right values, it builds up their character for the future. Did I not also first learn about Jesus and praying and God when I was in primary school from my domestic helper? She was such a big influence in my life, teaching me to pray on a daily basis.
Had a dream that day of little kiddos singing with adults in a concert few nights ago. Think its cos I listened to too many songs of kids singing.
This Dec 26- 2 Jan I would be at Indonesia Pekanbaru, going to an orphanage. I really dunno anything much about ministering to children. But I pray that the little kids may know that even though they are orphans on earth, they are dearly loved by the heavenly Father, accepted and adopted into His family.

My trip to Cambodia meanwhile is still unconfirmed! It is targetted to be from the 7-18 Dec. I don't like the uncertainty, but I have decided not to live my life based on that limbo mode. But each day as I can (well, at least from now to the 7th, and after the 18th), I shall make all my appts and carry on with life. Xmas started early this year for me, started buying presents already, in view of my traveling. I shall keep you posted on my travels and learn to live each day at a time, giving thanks for each day.

thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. We don't celebrate it in SG, but anyhow, I went for a dinner tonight in which a few ple made short speeches of thanksgiving. It moved my heart to think about all the things to give thanks for.
Flashes of people, scenerios, provisions came to mind. So clear that HE led me thru each of these.
Spent a short while at the playground just now, just stopping. Just being present where I am. And reflected. Has He not always provided, is His hand shortened? And would He not provide?

I prayed for and said encouraging words to 2 people this month, people whom I had issues with, whom I had difficulty relating to. Thankful bcos the gesture enlarged my heart to love.

Thankfulness, truly the remedy to a complaining spirit.

This week at service, Pastor Ed Wong talked abt how to break thru in desert grd. One of the pts was how God called us to witness even in the midst of the difficulties we face. Somehow I think, life is not going to get any easier, but we can choose how to respond to our situations, and God grants us the grace to love others even when it is difficult.

If I could like...give thanks for the work He is doing, find joy & satisfaction in my work...that would be...the gift of God. (Ecclesiastics)

Funny thing happened to me tis week. I was contemplating attending a talk, and the speaker of the talk emailed me wrongly. She was replying to a grp of people and somehow i ended up in her cc. It was so strange! Kind of knew I was supposed to go for the talk. I went and at the end I said hi to her, and she said GOD LOVES YOU SO MUCH, which made me want to cry. It was like this small little setup...seems like a coincidence, but whatever it is, God enabled it just to tell me a message that HE loves me.

Well it has been a tough year, insommia, relationship issue, work stress, disillusionment, bordering on depression and hopelessness. Somehow, sometimes, it is embracing the pain, and knowing that Jesus walks thru the pain with you. Really holding on to your hand, and telling u, I am so proud of you my precious girl. =) And its all worth the while for Him.

Staying is harder than leaving?

I was supposed to go to Cambodia this week. Within the span of a few hours, the decision fluctuated between leaving on Friday, then Saturday, then Thursday - thur no flights. A longer wait and at night it was decided a no go!
I really wonder what God is trying to teach me at such times. I was kinda frustrated and uptight the whole of yesterday waiting for the decision to be made. I'm serving in the Banquet of Honour on Friday and Sunday so I really didn't know what/how to pray about going or not going. I felt a tremendous sense of relief when the decision was finally made, cos I won't be hanging in the middle. But I felt disappointed I won't be going to Cambodia. But it also means that its more likely I would be going to India. I really don't know what to make of it!
I figured that I would have felt equally disappointed if I was going, and I couldn't serve in the Banquet of Honour. I guess ultimately the lesson is that of faith and surrendering of my life to God. Literally, for Him to bring me wherever He wants to and whenever. Its a surrender of my rights as I have no control over the situation at all.
And maybe again its not about the pomp about going anywhere, jetsetting, or telling others hey I'm leaving for Cambodia. Its really doing admin work, tying up details, briefing people, preparing people in Singapore. And reaching out to internationals in Singapore. None too glorious, but an ultimate test of my heart. Why do I want to go?

Sometimes maybe, staying is harder than leaving.

Today

I went for my first mass run today with Jas and YX. It was organized by Great Eastern. =P
It was kinda fun, at first I felt like I was running on the spot cos it was so crowded, and I could barely move. But coming to about 2.5km onwards, people started to become more spread out, and I could fly! =p The last 100 m was exhilarating. Running to the end with crowds of people all around you! I finished 5km in 29min 32sec (and I should minus some minutes for the starting as I started so far away fr the starting point).
Haha, yea, u see my competitive nature even in running. ;p I never was too good in sports, but ever since going to the gym, my stamina has improved a lot, and I do enjoy challenging my own limits in running!

I went to church in the afternoon for lunch & a training on the Banquet of Honour. Its a series of dinners and lunches organized for the migrant workers- Domestic workers and blue collared to honour them and thank them for their service in Singapore. Its organized by churches in Singapore. =) I would be serving, provided I'm not traveling. I'm really looking forward to it. A bit apprehensive about pouring drinks and scooping rice, cos I'm not that good at serving, but I really like that concept of upside down leadership. Of how Jesus Himself was an example of servanthood...when he stooped down and washed His disciples feet.

So anyway I got a partial lift home, thankful for my friend =) For the first sunday in a long while, I actually got home at 3ish. I was so zonked that I slept for 2 hours.....really felt so exhausted and my body is finally letting itself rest and replenish itself a bit. Spent the rest of the evening watching tv.

I watched Jay Chou's movie 不能说的秘密. And it was kinda disturbing..eerie..and sad. Why disturbing? Other then the sudden twist in the middle of the show, I realise for me, it is because the female protagonist died without knowing the truth- that the male protagonist loves her with all his heart.

Hmm. I also watched a korean drama about a traditional family....and the little boy in the show was kinda cute. =) It was cute watching the dynamics between the different generations from great grandson to father to grand father etc.
One particular Conversation went like this
Great grandson (Crying because parents divorced, and mother moved away without telling him): Great Grandpa, it hurts, my heart is in pain
Great Grandpa: Your heart will become stronger, next time when you encounter painful things, it would not hurt so much
So much truth in that- in building resilence and becoming stronger thru pain.

Alright I'm just verbal diarhoeing my day. ;p Off to sleep and another rest day tmr. Thank God..

Social entrepreneurship

I went to SMU's Social Icon dinner on Friday night. It was kinda nice, but I was sad that I missed the whole day's conference with really good speakers. I met Anil & Sinee again after a long long time!
Social Innovation & entrepreneurship which is really solving social problems in a sustainable, innovative and systemic way, gets me excited because of the sense of passion and idealism that bubbles in the sector. i.e. Its not just feeding a fish to a man, but teaching a man how to fish, and revitalizing the whole fishing industry. There's a very good special edition writeup on some social innovators who were awarded funding in Saturday's Straits Times.

I always thought I wanted to be a social entrepreneur of sorts, because how nice it would be if I could meet needs in a sustainable way. But when I look at the world with so many diversed problems, I really wonder, what is the cause that I am passionate about?

Passionate actually...about people...because I believe no human made in the image of God should live like an animal. And ofcos, to share the greatest news of all times through my actions, making God's love tangible to people....
The Greatest News of God's redemption, His forgiveness of our sins, reconciliation with Him, and joy forevermore. In Him, we experience the greatest and deepest everlasting love.

Letting go of the one you love

I watched a very good movie - My Sister's Keeper just now. I went to watch it without knowing what the show was about...
There were quite a few heart wrenching scenes, mainly weaving around themes of lost, grieve, dilemmas, letting go...
It really portrayed the difficulties that a family with a child with cancer goes through, that pain of seeing your child die away, esp for the mum, how difficult it is to let go of her, as she finds ways and means to help her live. And the kind of tensions that it builds up within the family as the focus is on the sick child. Whereas the rest of the children play second fiddle.
I teared with them in some of the scenes, cos I could relate to that feeling of losing someone you love. And I'm so blessed because my family members are all healthy. But still grieve is real, even in terms of break up in relationships, in losing your dreams etc.
Even though the loses that I experienced seem so much milder, yet pain and grieve is real. And the irreversibility of the situation, whereby the past becomes just memories is real.
And yes in the third world, the suffering is so common as loved ones die daily because of lack of food or poor governments. Or when people die in natural disasters. The pain is so real and great.
Yet everywhere, even when we are comfortable and all, as humans, each of us suffer from different loses and grieve. As long as we are humans, and we have treasured relationships, when people die, or when people leave our lives, we grieve. As long as it hurts, there is pain. Who is to judge that my pain is less real than yours?
Its really difficult to see a loved one slowly wither away. And in one particular scene, the mum sobbed as she finally let go of her daughter. In some cases, love can be suffocating. When we love others in our own terms, and we don't want to lose the person, whereas letting go is really being loving to the person.
The greatest form of love I guess, to pray, and be happy for the loved one when he is happy. Even if he has to leave. U really wonder like, are you really loving a person by making him/her stay with you, or is it really for your own sake that you want he/her to stay (i.e. to live on?).
Letting go...is such a painful thing to do...

Rethinking what service learning means

This morning started off on a wrong note.
On Tues, we delivered 3 boxes of jeans to school X. These jeans are donated for our beneficiaries in Cambodia, and school X is going on a service learning trip to our sites. So teacher in charged said that it was okay for the students to help us bring up the jeans.
I received a phone call today, the VP was not happy and scolded the teacher plus our partner for asking their students to carry these boxes for us. It is ironic that the students are going for a SERVICE learning trip, so where does service begin? Ofcos bringing up the boxes is a voluntary thing that they are doing to help us, and we have no right to force it upon them. I can also see it fr the point of view of the school, that they are afraid of parents complaining that their students have to carry heavy weights, or the bags of their little kids will break. But precisely because our kids are too sheltered, that they need to be exposed to situations whereby they do things at their inconvenience so as to serve others. Its perhaps time to rethink what service learning means. I thought thats the whole point of a service learning trip, which begins not just playing with the kids at Cambodia, but begins with that attitude of humility and servitude.
So yes, we had to travel again from Upper Serangoon Road to another end of Singapore, 1 hr two and fro, just to pick up the boxes. (yup we travelled that 1 hr on Tuesday too to deliver the boxes)

Anyway, this incident was neutralized by the kindness of my friend. My friend who is in the midst of looking for another job now picked me up from town, and drove me to the school, following which drove me back to the office at Upper Serangoon. I'm deeply thankful ofcos, and know that in the midst of every challenge, God provides His angelic resources to keep us going. Thank you! =)

My colleague says I should not let these episodes get the better of me. Indeed these days I'm finding it rather hard to contain my emotions. I think little things start to prick me and irritate me. Maybe I take things too personally. Maybe I am too idealistic and perfectionistic. Maybe my sense of right and wrong is too strong. Maybe I don't accept that there are grey areas in life. But why Oh why...is the world so imperfect, and why are people so incongruent?

Praying for God's grace to let go of all these things to Him.

New things...

hihi, just decided to come in to update abt my life for a short while! I guess blogging is quite a narcissistic thing to do actually.
Well time really flies, and I really can't account for all the stuff I have been doing. Some days just went by in a blur. Especially at work.
Maybe just a few things that were out of norm...I visited 2 churches with my friend last last Sunday. They were youthful churches, and it was interesting. I liked the passionate & radical declaration of God's love, and ofcos the praying in tongues. heh. But somehow maybe age has caught up with me.....I didn't know more than half of the songs. And yup...some of the lyrics though catchy, I have problems singing because I think some are rather radical declarations of our love for God, and it takes more than singing to a nice tune to really mean it fr the heart.
Hmm...Monday I had to wake at 4am to reach Changi Aiport to send off a team to Phnom Penh, cos they were bringing some clothes for us. I hardly slept for 3 hrs when the alarm rang. :S Anyway it was kinda fun, sitting on the sky train cabin alone at early hrs. And taking the first MRT back home! Got to sleep in after...

Today I was blessed again, cos I was delivering clothes to schools for them to help us bring up to Cambodia. And my ex-colleague gave me a free ride all the way from Upp Serangoon (my office) to Bukit Panjang and Bukit Batok. And at the first school, this smiley guy came over and asked to help me carry the box. He was wearing a christian T-shirt saying God is my refuge and strength. Kinda thought these people are God sent angels to help me and remind me that He is there for me. =P

Alright time for bed! Good night!

I don't understand...

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if time was not linear? i.e. you can see past present and future at one glance. I watched The Time Travellor's Wife about 2 weeks ago. It made me think of how I would behave differently, if I knew what was going to happen to me in the future. Would I love more? Would I make certain different choices? And most of all, I thought of God who knew all things beforehand, because a thousand years to Him is like a second. And imagine He already knew that at X time, u are going to meet Y person. But you aren't gonna be meeting Y person just yet because ABCD has to happen.

Today when I got on the MRT, there was some vomit like spill on the floor in front of two vacant seats. I don't know what had happened before that for the vomit to be on the floor. But 2 stops later, to my surprise, an elderly cleaning aunty came in with newspapers, trashbag, mop and bucket in tow. She started using the newspapers to clean up the mess, and yup, some of the stuff sipped into the newspapers, i could see, and Im sure her hands got dirty as a result. I felt sad. If she were my grandma, i would be sad to see her mopping the floor and cleaning stuff while the MRT was moving. But yet I don't know....because we do need cleaning aunties, and others to do very menial tasks, but essential to keep our environment clean.

So anyway, she finished cleaning in 2 stops, and what struck me was this. The people who came in after she left the MRT had no idea at all what happened there. And there it was, even after she had cleaned the floor, the 2, now 3 seats remained empty. NO one who had witnessed this thing wanted to step on wet and once dirty floor. And this guy who came on the next station just happily sat down, and was lookg ard at why people were not sitting.

This made me think abt a lot of scenerios in life. Because of our limitations in perspective, and time being linear, we don't know what had happened a min or even a second before to any person, or at any place. Only God is omniscient. I really wished with all my heart that certain outcomes would have been different in my life. But I realise that they are what they are for a reason, and I don't know why, but there's a reason. Can I trust God then, that He knows the best? That everything that happens in the world is in His hands. Choices people make interplay with divine orchestration. Sometimes I really wish i could replay scenes I missed though...so i can understand...sometimes I wonder why certain people left my life, why God has to take them away. And really...mabbe....there's a reason I don't know. Its painful I know. I don't understand, but He does and He allows something to happen or not happen in a season for a reason.

Talking abt rubbish cleaning, GB has a camp called Fast, Food N Fuzz, which has elements of simple food (porridge), sleeping on cardboard boxes, games and prayer for third world countries to help girls understand abstinance and poverty. This is for the primary 4 onwards girls. I really like the concept. One particular game, expired food is poured into a bucket, and girls need to dig out breadtags from inside to exchange for food. The bucket has all the goey stuff. Trust me, you wouldn't want to stick yr hand in there. When I saw the little girls sticking their hands inside, I wanted to cry. Cos I remembered in Philippines and Cambodia, little children were running ard the dump picking up rubbish to recycle. I wanted to cry, because it is so degrading, that a child made in the image of God has to beg and survive on residual rubbish food. Its just a game for the girls alright, but children in the third world do that everyday to feed their tummies. Why such a stark difference in living conditions? Why some are born in sunny, safe Singapore, and others in war torn, flood areas? I don't know. I really don't know. I don't pretend to understand. But one day, in Heaven, my God will wipe away every tear. And justice will reign.

Since when did fear become a norm?

Today my good friend Andrew came to my office to have a meeting with me and our social enterprise BI. I didn't realise I missed him being present in my life so much, we were really close in university organizing the social entrepreneurship forum together. Meeting him and his friend who are socially conscious & passionate abt SE made me feel so happy. Sometimes Im like a little girl, so easily pleased, I realise.
So anyway, his coming and my talk with S, made me realise that I had gotten use to fear so much that it has become a norm. Talking in soft tones and threading on egg shells. Getting used to people being unkind and protecting their own territory, so to speak, not sharing or working in teams. Yah. And prolonged exposure to this thinking has normalized me into suppressing my need for justice & fairness. How sad..
And because of human nature's innate need for justice, suppressing it feels no good yeah. I need to stop normalizing unfair or rude treatment, and stand up for rights. Its such a thin line between being resilient, growing wiser VS hardening your heart, and normalizing yourself to oppression. No wonder they say little elephants who are being tied to a pole and try to set themselves free cannot. When they are bigger, they can easily pull themselves off, but they remember the childhood trauma and stay stuck to the pole.

Had a good meeting in the afternoon too...with someone who is going to help us run a workshop on social justice. I don't know why but I felt God's presence with us, and I was so happy cos I feel our hearts kind of resonnated abt social justice, fairness, and abt Singapore also having migrant workers and all who are in need of help.

I've been thinking more and more abt the marketplace recently. In particular, the corporate world. ;p Will pray more and see how it goes next year!

Meanwhile, work is really building up with year end trips coming up.