Hidden in Christ

Tmr I am on a half day morning leave! It somehow feels that the past few posts have been ramblings...either I've been too tired or was unable to adequately express my thoughts.

I've been thinking abt my thought process, and why sometimes I feel miserable in spite of serving in many areas and doing the best that I can to be a christian. Whenever I encounter a problem, the immediate thought is I am not good enough, I've done something wrong, that's why I failed. Nowadays, whenever I encounter challenges, I try and correct my thinking, to know that Jesus indeed promised trials and tribulations and hard grounds when we seek His purposes, and I shd press on to His highest calling.

I've been thinking a lot about my previous cell groups, esp N272, the youth group that I led. I think back in thankfulness for every single one of the members. And I know there was a special purpose that God placed these guys/gals under my care. Cos I can identify with many of the emotional issues that they faced, and these issues are tricky. They require loads of grace, truth and time to overcome. Yet, have we given ourselves enough grace & time, or have we just focused on the truth and sought for victory over the circumstances?

At the end of the day I realise it is not because I don't believe in God enough, it is because I don't believe in myself enough. I need to believe that God can use me, I am loved by Him no matter how I have performed.

William Carrey said, "Attempt great things for God, expect great things from God."

I don't really like to quantify "great", cos I know in the most humblest of circumstances, that is the highest calling. How many people have obeyed God's call, and yet remain unknown in some slum area where they dedicate themselves to be faithful in what the Lord has for them? Yet, in the mixture of humility & brokenness, that's the irony, whereby we can be great, and expect great things fr God, because we realise that it was never about ourselves, all along about God who is the author and finisher of our faith.

Dear God, I am expecting great things from You. I won't give up in spite of how I feel trapped in my present circumstances. I pray for my family, my work place, my relationships. May You be in control of them. When I go through all challenges for Your name's sake, pls lead me and comfort me with Your loving presence. I pray for my brothers and sisters reading this post, that You will also encourage them to press on to the highest calling in You. Indeed God, we have died to ourselves, and our lives are hidden in You. Help us to know the truth, take away every spiritual blindness. Thank You Lord, In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Don't give up!

:) These days I've been learning the important lesson of perseverance! Not giving up in the face of opposition or discouragement. I guess I have this mindset if something is fr God, then it shd be pretty smooth sailing. But I realise that if something is fr God, all the more there will be opposition & how the enemy will seek to make us feel discouraged. On some days I feel weird in my cause, and then I realise that I should press on anyway, to share with people how I feel about things. Communication is the key to convicting others and sharing lives with others!

I was really glad today Pastor Edmund talked abt money. :) Abt living below our means, and being a good steward of money. Really encouraging to hear the cell discussing about how to live that out practically. :)

Little acts of kindness

Went to watch a movie with my cell yesterday! It was Rendition. Except for a few vague scenes I saw on the TV mobile on my way home, seriously I had no idea what this show was all about. It was amazingly much more thought provoking but also disturbing than I thought it would be. For one, I kept wanting to throw my shoes at the guys torturing the terrorist suspect, stripping him of all his clothes and treating him like an animal. Such a loss of human rights! And also those muslim extremies and the wrong doctrine they hold about sacrificing their lives to kill others being pleasing to God. Yet, the very law enforcers who seek to wipe out terrorism, apply brutality on the extremists, the very same thing that they are trying to prevent. How ironic. And such a vicious cycle. Sigh, such a depressing and disturbing sight.

I often hold this thought, when I freeze and think, hmm..could someone be experiencing something brutal at the same moment as I am eating/sleeping/watching TV? I believe every hr someone is dying or experiencing some kind of injustice. And the thought is just unbearable. There's nothing much I can do to help them except to pray for them. Ahhh...Yah, and contribute my one starfish at a time worth of helping. One day, when God will wipe away every tear in the eye, and His peace will be established in the world. Meanwhile, each day, walking with Christ, we can bring a little more light to the places around us, a little more of His kingdom through our little acts of kindness. :)

I've been rather tired at work of late. But somehow I have a better grasp of some of the things I was struggling with, so it is pretty good. Giving thanks for that. :) Thank God also for friendships that He has blessed me with. Pray that I may continue to walk in thanksgiving.

Happiness :)

This elusive thought of happiness was a theme that popped up for the past few days. And today at service, guess what song we sang? Its not a familiar song to me, nevertheless how sweet the lyrics were to my soul. :)

Trust and obey

When we walk with the Lord
In the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way;
While we do His good will,
He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise,
Not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear,
Not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear,
Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss,
Not a frown or a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove
The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows,
And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet
We will sit at His feet,
Or we'll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do;
Where He sends. we will go,
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Yup...And yesterday night the Lord encouraged me with a verse.

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.
8 We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed-- 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
2 Cor4:7-11

Have been feeling rather emotional of late. Tired too. Hence it was a refreshing time at church today. Kneeling at the altar reminded me of the past in CHC when I knelt before the Lord and told Him I surrendered my life. Somehow, the reassuring words of the Lord, He has Lordship over all areas of my life, and is in control. Thank You Jesus. Past & present intermingled, I've been feeling broken indeed, if not for His mighty hand of grace and His love, yes.....so dear to me.

Taking joy in the climb

This week has been a tough week but thank God that tmr is Friday! :) I'm so blessed by reminders of His goodness. Esp had a good catching up time of dinner with J and E, reminiscing the days of our lives. Thanks gals! And yest's lunch with C was also good. Its so good to be able to share lives!

I'm out of my comfort zone for the past couple of days, and for the next 2-3 mths, it looks pretty heavy going. At the start of the week I was pretty depressed and stressed out, and couldn't sleep well. Just feeling rather tensed up and uncertain about what's ahead. Not too hopeful either of where this seemingly steep mountain would reach a plateau where I can rest and dance a bit. But thankfully during the climb, His grace was ever sufficient with the chirping of birds and some beautiful flowers. Almost like He is saying, slow down and climb and enjoy the climb! I am with you, holding on to your hand tightly.

Really wondering when I will reach the plateau to receive my heart's desire. However He seems to be saying that the process is more impt than the end goal. Learning I guess. to be His disciple everyday, to take up the cross, to be joyful, to learn to delight in Him. I pray that His grace will continue to be sufficient for me through the busy work week, facing giants of intimidation and fears.

Love me for me?

One of those nights, it was 1110pm at the bus stop with no one in sight, when I felt alone and somewhat forsaken.

I've been thinking a lot abt relationships in the past week. Maybe this loneliness is starting to get to me! And wishing for someone to share my life with. One thing though, I realise what would be meaningful in a relationship. Someone who would love you for who you are. Someone who will love you without makeup, with messy hair and crumpled clothes. Someone whom I can be myself with, and wouldn't mind listening to me with attentive ears. Someone who is kind and cares. Sometimes, I miss that someone(s), but yet someone(s) wouldn't fulfil all criterias cos I know he wouldn't be able to love me for who I am.

Oh dear, this is sounding melancholic. One of those nights when I get in-tuned with myself.

I've been reading Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. Its really good book talking about boundaries, accepting oneself for yr good and bad, and growing up to be an adult. Shall share more the next time.

Fish Leong-可惜不是你

这一刻 突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天 今天同时在放映
我这句语气 原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据

差一点 骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己

努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见

可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

那一段 我们曾心贴著心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你 已走进别人风景
多希望 也有 星光的投影

努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见

可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口

Super mega hug from Papa

I am blessed as usual after a trip to another country, and my writings may not be able to capture what exactly has been touched lovingly in the soul.

Trip to Tanjong Balai, my second time to the prisons since Feb this year. http://journey-in-christ.blogspot.com/2007/02/visit-to-prisons.html

For one, I was blessed by the fellowship of believers, Pastor Don & Jack's family both came, wife and kids in tow. It was amazing and changed my perception of kids, seeing how sensible and well-behaved they can be, and how kids can be part of missionary work. ;) It was a joy watching TV with the two young girls and seeing them whisper and play games. The genuinity of children to say how they feel on the inside, to express their fears and their unhappiness. Many of us have those feelings, yet we find hard to express to others.

On the second way, significant to me, was being able to partner and fellowship with the brothers from New Charis, some of whom came from backgrounds of going into and out of prison multiple times, or drug taking. Didn't ask too much about the history, for in Christ, we are all new lives. Like myself, once a sinner and lost, but now redeemed.

Thirdly, being able to eat with the indonesian christians/pre-believers at the halfway house opening ceremony, to sing in Bahasa Indonesian and Hokkien (didn't understand a word) with the christians. I'm still lingering with warm feelings from the hug this morning with a few of the inmates. The latter brought tears to my eyes. It was as if the super mega hug came from above and loved us all as His children. Much more healing work to do. Will continue to pray for these dear ones that they may grow in Christ, not just experience the supernatural of being slain or crying, but they may grow and become disciples of Christ.

Where the sun rises

Come to think of it, my blog theme matches the name of the show I just watched! The name of the show is "Where the sun rises", directed by Grace Phan.
Maybe this is prophetic word for me to go to East Timor? :)

Check this show out: http://www.luxlucis.sg/

Anyway I was very blessed by the show, it is one of the most thought provoking and heart stirring shows I've ever watched. Do catch it if you have time. It will only be showing in Cathay Picture house for this saturday and sunday at 1pm and 5pm. Its a documentary movie featuring the history of East Timor and the experiences of President Gusmao. And also what lies ahead for East Timor? After its independence, the director/& Gusmao tell viewers that it is forgiveness and reconciliation whereby the country and its people can move forward.

One of the most poignant moments of the show was when President Gusmao showed us his office building. I think my house looks nicer than his office. ;) But I was deeply touched. Of a man who had been through so much for his country and people, and is not a president for the sake of power, fame or control. Oh, so unlike many of us...

I liked this part a lot. To talk about forgiveness towards someone who has killed your family. Hmm...let me see, who have I not forgiven right now, and why?

“Forgiveness, to me, means peace of mind. If we can forgive, we liberate ourselves from all bad sentiments… of revenge… of self-flagellation. If we forgive, we stop a part of our life. We say no – now I am entering a new phase of my life. If not, I live everyday the sense that I am the worst victim in the world, and we are everyday trying to understand why… and we don’t live in peace. We are always trying to be selfish – “Me…me… why not him, or them?” When we don’t forgive, we don’t free ourself from thinking only on ourselves. Forgiveness is the way to live in peace. Peace not with other people but firstly, with him- or herself.”- Xanana Gusmao

-----

Ahh...to see a world larger than oneself, to see beyond the mundanity of daily life, to rise above the stresses of life. To see....there is more to life. We need to put on coloured glasses to see the world thru' different eyes. :)

Going to Balai again this sunday for a one day & night trip. Looking forward to it. At the same time, apprehensive, afraid of the stirring in the heart for the ple, and wondering when God will wipe away every tear in their eye. Wondering why life doesn't seem so fair for them. And what use is my little drop of kindness there?

And then....I see it in a larger picture....and recognize once again.
Its meaningless to do it alone, and it only makes sense to do it with Jesus, that He is the one who brings light and real healing to the soul.

A day for myself :)

This week was quite a difficult week, and felt discouraged and rather tired. It was esp bad after I received the email ad blast from the organization I wanted to work with. The position was still open! Can't help but have this sour taste in me and it feels all dark and gloomy on the inside.

In spite of the dark nights of sadness and despair, I felt the loving soft whisper of the Father to calm my soul. And I am very thankful for that. :)

This song especially, lasted me and gave me strength as I was listening to Galvin's album.

SONG OF JOB
by Sebastian Ku

When clouds of darkness
Overwhelms my soul
When the strength of my heart
Fades away
When my friends have left me
All hope seem far away
When the words of comfort
Refuse to stay

There’s a song in the night
There’s a light in the dark
There’s a gentle voice that soothes my heart

For I know that my Redeemer lives
And His love for me will never end
My heart, my flesh may fade away
Yet with my eyes I’ll see my God

In the quiet corner
In the still of night
Your tender presence
Lifts me high
My sweet Companion
My Strength and Guide
My soul’s deep Anchor
In You I abide

You’re the song in the night
You’re the light in the dark
You’re the gentle voice that soothes my heart

For I know that my Redeemer lives
And His love for me will never end
My heart, my flesh may fade away
Yet with my eyes I’ll see my God

I live my life to give You praise
Everyday, every breath, every beat of my heart
This life is captured by Your grace
To worship who You are
Who You are

Whoever that is reading. I wonder if you are in clouds of darkness and you feel like no one understands. Jesus does.

I'm extremely thankful for today's rest at home. Managed to get a good sleep, read a few chapters of a book and prepare bible study. :)

A kingdom of love

It is a pleasant beautiful Monday morning! But as usual, don't feel that I have slept enough over the weekend. Bio-clock has been waking me up faithfully after 6 hours of sleep. Which makes me wonder how much sleep a person needs to sustain oneself.

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend. Cell came to my house for bbq on saturday nite. It has been some time since I hosted ple at my house, and it was kind of heart warming seeing familiar faces popping up at my house. Kind of like juxtaposing familiarity with familiarity. Some of them brought their friends too. I am starting to understand and learn about relationship building and loving others, afterall, our lives are intertwined with others, and connecting with others is what makes us human. =)

I've been reading Brian McLaren's book on "The secret message of Jesus". He talks abt bringing God's kingdom into the places we live, and much more stuff, but a lot of it takes time to digest as he comes from a quite different kind of view. But anyway I think it relates v much to the way we interact with people as well. Loving them and living like Jesus, bringing the Kingdom way of doing things into our lives.

Yesterday I went for ktv with my china trippers. ;) It was a good relaxing time singing and eating. And I miss china. I didnt share much but some of the things we did that I've been sharing with Singaporeans, who kind of cringe at the idea:
- We didn't bathe for 6 days
- The toilets didn't have flushes but consisted of two planks or a hole. Sometimes we went to the bushes.

Haha. And those two pts above are enough to scare singaporeans away, and they look at you like you have suffered! Those experiences are ofcos not exactly comfortable, but contrary to what ple think, i don't think we have sacrificed much. Its just another way of living. We are at a new place with a culture different from us. Trust me, the toilet didn't stink cos they had some hay below to neutralise the smell. The one I went to 4 years back at a rural school toilet was worse, smelt like nitrogen flowing into yr nose. ;) C shared a good pt, she said to the jews be like the jews, to the greeks like the greeks.

I've been bz bz bz like a bee. What's new! But praying for more grace this week. Other then work (multiple list of foreign tasks filling up an A4 page), I've to also come up with publicity for the comm service proj. Also relationships! Some frens who r going thru tough times, hope to call them up and talk. So yup, full time christian everywhere we go.