Nature has a way of helping us cope with difficult situations - the defence mechanism of "forgetting" or "repression".
This post is long overdued, and I guess it was because I was derailed by other stuff around the last few weeks of my work at my previous job. And now with greater clarity, I think the other stuff has affected me much more because there were all sorts of emotions that unconsciously were suppressed due to my job change.
Yes job change felt a bit like 2006, when I stepped down from being a CGL. The same kind of emotions invested in a ministry, the calling I had heard from God to go forth and step up, the same kind of sadness in leaving, the same feelings of loss, the same heart that continues to beat for the people I serve, and the same kind of weariness that comes with it.
It is indeed just a thin line between being jaded/bitter and becoming stronger. Each experience either leads you towards learning new things, or it leads you towards bitterness. The heart is the well-spring of life.
It is learning to trust, to let go, and to know that God has a season for everything.
In choosing my options after my previous job, one of the options was to go on to the Discipleship Training School at YWAM. I chose my current job instead, good exposure and organization and international work. A stepping stone, I believe, to what lies ahead.
The past few months I have been derailed...or rather...I have been distracted. And it has been good..actually.. I believe it is part of the process that I need to go through, that process of surrender, and of knowing God's grace. Which is even difficult to explain here.
I guess the distraction was more painful, because I am/was unwilling to face up to my pain of loss from my previous job, and it kind of added on to it. Sigh. I love the ministry with all my heart. To love at all, is to be vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis puts it. Pastor Edmund Chan says, people think that leadership gets easier with time, but it doesn't, it only gets harder. That's why leaders need to persevere.
My current job has been interesting, and its a whole new world. In terms of meaningfulness, it can no way measure up to my previous job of helping women and children, and the looking forward of trips to developing countries. And yes I must pray. Pray and ask how and where He is leading me.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas wind down..
The Christmas season makes one feel abit dreary cos the weather is cold. And winter seems to mark the end of many things. Plants stop growing in winter, animals hibernate. And yes, it is a month of farewells.
Its not always so dreary as it comes with the festive moods, the gatherings, the hymms, singing etc. Maybe a better word would be "reflective".
Fell ill and on MC today. Went into office in the morning to send out a paper. And now I am back at home! Felt better and decided to work a bit on my report. This year end, work doesn't seem to wind down! But there is still a lot of activities on-going. My body is protesting...I haven't managed to go to the gym this week! :X
But with rest, comes energy to walk the next year. With death, comes life. With farewells, comes hello to new things.
Farewell 2010.......soon...counting down.. it has been a challenging year, and a year to remember.. its a significant year whereby I understand God never lets me go. :)
Its not always so dreary as it comes with the festive moods, the gatherings, the hymms, singing etc. Maybe a better word would be "reflective".
Fell ill and on MC today. Went into office in the morning to send out a paper. And now I am back at home! Felt better and decided to work a bit on my report. This year end, work doesn't seem to wind down! But there is still a lot of activities on-going. My body is protesting...I haven't managed to go to the gym this week! :X
But with rest, comes energy to walk the next year. With death, comes life. With farewells, comes hello to new things.
Farewell 2010.......soon...counting down.. it has been a challenging year, and a year to remember.. its a significant year whereby I understand God never lets me go. :)
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
The stump
I simply love it how CS Lewis puts in his book this part in 'A grief observed':
"Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another... If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one- legged man... His whole way of life will be changed."
"Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another... If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one- legged man... His whole way of life will be changed."
Perhaps, thats what i meant abt the uniqueness of an individual, a friend or person who has been part of yr life, and his/her leaving and other people coming in doesn't constitute a replacement. U have lost a leg.
Could it be an operation for appendicitis that feels like a leg has been lost? Afterall, may be it isn't that great a lost- when the brain becomes clear and sanity is restored.
Or could our good God cause the leg to regrow again and make it completely whole? What really is the complete healing that He brings? Would the heart that has been broken be completely whole again?
No answers for that.. Or could the hole in the heart be replaced by someone else? Maybe, that doesn't solve the fundamental problem of the heart that has a hole.
-------
just back from a networking dinner of sorts. Have been going to quite a few of these. ") its fun in a way, but humm... Kind of tiring too with back to back events going on. . Feeling peacefully melancholic. I think its the beer.. I want a good sleep and a good hug
Friday, December 03, 2010
Dec is here!
The cold season is here. It has been drizzling or raining, with cool winds blowing and i love it! Had a chance to visit Shanghai on a short work trip, and it just feel nice walking down the roads with a 15 degrees temperature. The autumn leaves always make me feel very melancholic romantic.
Thankful for good exposure at work. It has been interesting, but also challenging with back to back events. Challenges my weaknesses at times.
Different things seem to demand my attention. I still like the quiet reading of a book in the still of the night. Managed to finish CS Lewis's A grief observed and Henri Nouwen's Turn my mourning into dancing. Both are v heartfelt books addressing heart issues. And i was grateful for the quiet comfort that they gave me nightly.
Not that im going thru v dire circumstances, but after a really busy packed day of going home like 8plus or 10plus, it helps to unwind and reflect. Sometimes there's a sudden terror in the night that hits me, or while i am waiting when im on the train, that sudden feeling of inadequacy, of not knowing whats ahead. Its a scary scary feeling of lost. Like u dont know what to anchor in, and everything is so fleeting.
Visit to pam and ben's little babe was nice, seeing the small little one in my arm so vulnerable and intricate, made me feel that God is the beautiful maker who holds my life in His hands and i am grateful. ")
Thankful for good exposure at work. It has been interesting, but also challenging with back to back events. Challenges my weaknesses at times.
Different things seem to demand my attention. I still like the quiet reading of a book in the still of the night. Managed to finish CS Lewis's A grief observed and Henri Nouwen's Turn my mourning into dancing. Both are v heartfelt books addressing heart issues. And i was grateful for the quiet comfort that they gave me nightly.
Not that im going thru v dire circumstances, but after a really busy packed day of going home like 8plus or 10plus, it helps to unwind and reflect. Sometimes there's a sudden terror in the night that hits me, or while i am waiting when im on the train, that sudden feeling of inadequacy, of not knowing whats ahead. Its a scary scary feeling of lost. Like u dont know what to anchor in, and everything is so fleeting.
Visit to pam and ben's little babe was nice, seeing the small little one in my arm so vulnerable and intricate, made me feel that God is the beautiful maker who holds my life in His hands and i am grateful. ")
alright this has been pretty random stuff. But yay, dec is here. My fave mth of giving, loving. The mth of Jesus's birth!
Friday, November 12, 2010
The juxtaposition of rich and poor...glitz and blipz
7 Nov:
We are about the same age. I stay in the terrace house, he constructs the condo down the streets and stays in the workers domitory. There's nothing that I earned that caused the disparity. He was born in Bangladesh where he stays in a village with not many job opportunities. And I was born in Singapore into a responsible family and a nation with equal job opportunities. Can I not then look him in the eye as an equal?
12 Nov:
Sitting in a cab post work dinner event, home. Down Orchard Road. Glitz and Blitz along the road...Big malls with shiny silvery lights. And down the ECP, passing the lovely condos along the river...
I like the high life. I like the city.....Its a nice quiet night..
And I am so blessed. I have so much.
And I have so little.
We are about the same age. I stay in the terrace house, he constructs the condo down the streets and stays in the workers domitory. There's nothing that I earned that caused the disparity. He was born in Bangladesh where he stays in a village with not many job opportunities. And I was born in Singapore into a responsible family and a nation with equal job opportunities. Can I not then look him in the eye as an equal?
12 Nov:
Sitting in a cab post work dinner event, home. Down Orchard Road. Glitz and Blitz along the road...Big malls with shiny silvery lights. And down the ECP, passing the lovely condos along the river...
I like the high life. I like the city.....Its a nice quiet night..
And I am so blessed. I have so much.
And I have so little.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Relationships vs task
It was a really busy week for me, working until 8plus or 9plus daily, and having a night event on Saturday. I was pleasantly blessed and surprised that my colleagues all extended a hand to help me. And stayed back with me to complete some tasks. It is certainly different from my task oriented outlook, i.e. quickly complete it, even if it is to do it solo.
This morning, I really crawled out of my bed, and didn't feel like I had slept... at 525am. I was going to run the Great Eastern 10km run!
This was the beginning of my mama drama day. I was already running on a tight time, and as I sat down on the bench waiting for the MRT to come, I smsed my friend I was gonna be late. I started tying my shoe laces with the tracking device too. The lady next to me started chatting and asking if I was running the race. We chatted and walked into the MRT..
By the time I reached Paya Lebar MRT, I realised to my horror that my hp was not with me!! The lady offered to let me call my hp, it rang! I knew I would be late if I headed back, but I decided to anyway. The MRT back to Tanah Merah was an extremely long one.. felt like it anyway. The phone was not there anymore! No one left anything at the control station.
I decided to still go for the run even though I was horribly late. I reached esplanade MRT at 720am (7am was the flag off time), and to my surprise, I saw my friend YX still standing there waiting for me! On her face was not a look of impatience, she was worried and asked me what happened. She lent me her phone and everything....And we decided to run the 5km race instead of the 10km. boo! But I was touched cos I think I would have gone for the run first if the roles were reversed. Fr YX I learnt she valued friendships more than any run or experience... Which.....me being very task driven, might have chosen the task instead.
Went back home and tried to lock my phone etc. so the person couldn't use it, but to no avail. Went to church and after svc, I met J, who quickly offered to lend me her hp (which I am using now). Its a sony ericson phone which is quite functional.
Went for a missions talk, and then got a ride from D. We ate waffles and drank bubble tea which helped to cheer me up a little. Got a ride to tampines to get a new SIM card and a ride home. :)
The Singtel person said phone will take 1-3 days to activate. I was horrified. I felt handicapped without my phone.
I got home, charged the functional phone. And decided to try it after abt 1 hour. The SIM card was already activated!! YAHOO!! I am no longer feeling handicapped.
And my dad said his plan is due for renewal, and I can use his plan...and take the new hp for myself........ He himself is using my old nokia phone...
And this whole experience makes me realise:
- I am surrounded by great friends and lovely people
- God provides in the most dire circumstances (link to point 3)
- Losing a handphone (yes even though it is 4 mths old smart phone) doesn't make a disaster. It is not really a dire circumstance
- Letting go of photos, messages and some memories that were important to me.... stored in the phone..... Is hard.. But may be for my own good... Everything that I hold....with open hands to God
Praying for whoever that found the hp to return it to the MRT station control today. I shall ask again tmr. I pray for him/ her to turn from his/her wicked ways!! And repent! Who is he/she? Is he/she in such dire need?
P/s the tenses in this blog are all over the place... pardon me...who slept 4.5 hrs last night.. x.x
This morning, I really crawled out of my bed, and didn't feel like I had slept... at 525am. I was going to run the Great Eastern 10km run!
This was the beginning of my mama drama day. I was already running on a tight time, and as I sat down on the bench waiting for the MRT to come, I smsed my friend I was gonna be late. I started tying my shoe laces with the tracking device too. The lady next to me started chatting and asking if I was running the race. We chatted and walked into the MRT..
By the time I reached Paya Lebar MRT, I realised to my horror that my hp was not with me!! The lady offered to let me call my hp, it rang! I knew I would be late if I headed back, but I decided to anyway. The MRT back to Tanah Merah was an extremely long one.. felt like it anyway. The phone was not there anymore! No one left anything at the control station.
I decided to still go for the run even though I was horribly late. I reached esplanade MRT at 720am (7am was the flag off time), and to my surprise, I saw my friend YX still standing there waiting for me! On her face was not a look of impatience, she was worried and asked me what happened. She lent me her phone and everything....And we decided to run the 5km race instead of the 10km. boo! But I was touched cos I think I would have gone for the run first if the roles were reversed. Fr YX I learnt she valued friendships more than any run or experience... Which.....me being very task driven, might have chosen the task instead.
Went back home and tried to lock my phone etc. so the person couldn't use it, but to no avail. Went to church and after svc, I met J, who quickly offered to lend me her hp (which I am using now). Its a sony ericson phone which is quite functional.
Went for a missions talk, and then got a ride from D. We ate waffles and drank bubble tea which helped to cheer me up a little. Got a ride to tampines to get a new SIM card and a ride home. :)
The Singtel person said phone will take 1-3 days to activate. I was horrified. I felt handicapped without my phone.
I got home, charged the functional phone. And decided to try it after abt 1 hour. The SIM card was already activated!! YAHOO!! I am no longer feeling handicapped.
And my dad said his plan is due for renewal, and I can use his plan...and take the new hp for myself........ He himself is using my old nokia phone...
And this whole experience makes me realise:
- I am surrounded by great friends and lovely people
- God provides in the most dire circumstances (link to point 3)
- Losing a handphone (yes even though it is 4 mths old smart phone) doesn't make a disaster. It is not really a dire circumstance
- Letting go of photos, messages and some memories that were important to me.... stored in the phone..... Is hard.. But may be for my own good... Everything that I hold....with open hands to God
Praying for whoever that found the hp to return it to the MRT station control today. I shall ask again tmr. I pray for him/ her to turn from his/her wicked ways!! And repent! Who is he/she? Is he/she in such dire need?
P/s the tenses in this blog are all over the place... pardon me...who slept 4.5 hrs last night.. x.x
Friday, October 22, 2010
What it would take to Love again?
Im not quite sure how people view me. Some think im loud, friendly. Some think im quiet. Is it important how others view me? I guess over the years ive become more chatty and friendly. But actually deep inside im quite a private person. I cant do without my daily bouts of silence. Alone. Reading, reflecting, journaling and praying. I like sitting at starbucks or mos burger where it is quiet, to read and write. Be by myself. Though i have many friends, there are only few who i really open up my life to share with.
I guess it began when i started helping out in a youth cell grp 8 years or so ago. I used to be this really quiet shy girl in sec sch, who was afraid to speak up. I thank my previous church for its teachings on being empowered, on speaking boldly with confidence. And in a youth cell, its essential to talk more to engage the youths. And so it evolved, as i saw each person as created in the image of God. I began to take an interest in each person.
Maybe, like.. my childhood dream was to be a psychologist or counsellor. And i have the gift of compassion or empathy, or mercy when i listen to people sharing. Recently being able to listen to people again has been a blessing. It takes a great lot to listen and care for others from the heart, because it brings with it pain. It is easier to listen with the brains and process it thru. And sometimes im not sure how much of my heart shd get involved.
So anyway.. Even tho i have many friends, there are those few ones whom i really treasure. And i pour out my love and trust on the few. And i am thankful for their friendship. Friends who believe in me, and vice versa. And i hope i may extend my heart to others again with wisdom, it is difficult after experiencing certain heartaches in the past. Difficult without experiencing the grace of God daily.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
What is real?
We are bombarded with so much information everyday, and we make decisions everyday. Every decision leads us to different decisions, and different routes and so on. Meeting different kind of people and reading different kinds of literature causes u to make different decisions,
What is real? Could what feels good be the decision I should make, and can my emotions be trusted? What if all the ones I trusted tell me something different from my emotions? It seems safer to follow what everyone says rather than rely on my emotions.
Truth is only relative to the bible, which is God's measure of truth. But then, what if my interpretation is different from yours?
And so...every decision makes us who we are today. And i must choose wisely...
It leads me to this question... Who is God really to me, in my life, in the World? That is surely the compass in which I lead my life...
What is real? Could what feels good be the decision I should make, and can my emotions be trusted? What if all the ones I trusted tell me something different from my emotions? It seems safer to follow what everyone says rather than rely on my emotions.
Truth is only relative to the bible, which is God's measure of truth. But then, what if my interpretation is different from yours?
And so...every decision makes us who we are today. And i must choose wisely...
It leads me to this question... Who is God really to me, in my life, in the World? That is surely the compass in which I lead my life...
Surprised, because, what I thought I heard from God turned out different. Disappointed, because, the word I thought I would receive from who I trusted turned out different. Lonely, because its hard to share with anyone else if who I trust for guidance isn't on same page as me. This is cryptic, because, to be honest, I don't fully grasp what I am thinking of too. My inner compass is at war with what I see and hear. And i know speaking the truth in Love hurts. But why does the truth seem so much like what I feel rather than what is being said to me?
Its like elementary sch over and over again when i thought that I had already gotten it.....
Grace. Father help...
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Going International
I have started my new job for coming to a month...
Briefly what I do - we make friends for a better world! :) My role is to connect with internationals in Singapore, and since I started I have met international students, working expats in SG, MBA students etc, and also gone to the China Embassy! It has been fun in these sessions, getting to meet different people and finding more about them! Today I went cycling with four of them, and we cycled from Kallang to Esplanade to Clark Quay to Boat Quay to Robertson Quay, along the river and back. We also learnt about the water ways and reservoirs in Singapore, and we picked up some litter along the way. My cycling skills are... so-s0... and I kind of wobbled and fell a bit for a few times along the narrow paths. But overall it was great fun connecting with the different people and experiencing new things. It was great fun cycling for the first time in the city area!
I have decided that..or rather realised that... there is an adventurous streak in me that refuses to live a normal life. Normal is up to us to define, but I guess may be I could say I like to try new things that I have not tried before.
My new work is "atas"/high class, as in its no longer about living or staying in villages and traveling budget airlines. But it is international and great exposure to different people and cultures. I feel like meeting and connecting with people without a economic agenda is very fun. I feel completely in my element.
Do I forget the sights, smells of the people in the past. No.
I learn to be content in much and in little. And I hope it is a process of growth.
Yesterday night was strange, on the MRT, 2 ladies tapped me on the shoulder and asked me what time was the last MRT. I said I didn't know but we started chatting and they are from Malaysia! :D It was interesting knowing about them and they were so friendly.
So yes, I guess I am going international!! And someday maybe.. I will marry a.... International! :) The chances of living an adventurous life is higher isn't it? And the chances of jetsetting into foreign land. I love Singapore for its safety, its melting pot culture etc ( now in my new job I think a lot abt SG and what is unique about us). But its like there is a great big world out there and its exciting! =)
Briefly what I do - we make friends for a better world! :) My role is to connect with internationals in Singapore, and since I started I have met international students, working expats in SG, MBA students etc, and also gone to the China Embassy! It has been fun in these sessions, getting to meet different people and finding more about them! Today I went cycling with four of them, and we cycled from Kallang to Esplanade to Clark Quay to Boat Quay to Robertson Quay, along the river and back. We also learnt about the water ways and reservoirs in Singapore, and we picked up some litter along the way. My cycling skills are... so-s0... and I kind of wobbled and fell a bit for a few times along the narrow paths. But overall it was great fun connecting with the different people and experiencing new things. It was great fun cycling for the first time in the city area!
I have decided that..or rather realised that... there is an adventurous streak in me that refuses to live a normal life. Normal is up to us to define, but I guess may be I could say I like to try new things that I have not tried before.
My new work is "atas"/high class, as in its no longer about living or staying in villages and traveling budget airlines. But it is international and great exposure to different people and cultures. I feel like meeting and connecting with people without a economic agenda is very fun. I feel completely in my element.
Do I forget the sights, smells of the people in the past. No.
I learn to be content in much and in little. And I hope it is a process of growth.
Yesterday night was strange, on the MRT, 2 ladies tapped me on the shoulder and asked me what time was the last MRT. I said I didn't know but we started chatting and they are from Malaysia! :D It was interesting knowing about them and they were so friendly.
So yes, I guess I am going international!! And someday maybe.. I will marry a.... International! :) The chances of living an adventurous life is higher isn't it? And the chances of jetsetting into foreign land. I love Singapore for its safety, its melting pot culture etc ( now in my new job I think a lot abt SG and what is unique about us). But its like there is a great big world out there and its exciting! =)
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Personal Fulfilment
I'm starting to get really busy with..
Work..
Business.. (dothingsdifferent.com)
GB (yes I am still a volunteer with community development)
Church (missions committee)
I don't find my worth in my work. But work and voluntary stuff are fulfilling. I'm thankful. In terms of career and personal development, I don't know if I would want to be in any other situation than I am now.
I am happy =D
We are joyful when we think of the things we have in gratefulness. We are sad when we think we should have certain things but have not.
But lets focus on what we have and give thanks.
Work..
Business.. (dothingsdifferent.com)
GB (yes I am still a volunteer with community development)
Church (missions committee)
I don't find my worth in my work. But work and voluntary stuff are fulfilling. I'm thankful. In terms of career and personal development, I don't know if I would want to be in any other situation than I am now.
I am happy =D
We are joyful when we think of the things we have in gratefulness. We are sad when we think we should have certain things but have not.
But lets focus on what we have and give thanks.
Bringing our Longings to Him (2)
When someone breaks up, u always find people say as words of comfort - its okay, you will find someone better. But it is not about finding someone else, but the lost of this very someone who matters to you. Not a matter of replacement or that you will be comforted with someone else, but a matter of lost as to whatever had existed between you and the person who was once special to you. And it's not about finding someone better, because incompatibility between two persons doesn't make either person less than who he is, it merely means a difference between two people in their make up, and a wrong timing in which the two had met. And so yes, let there be sadness at the lost, and anticipation that one day you would meetthe person who wld be the right one at the right time
Friday, September 24, 2010
Bringing our Longings to Him
Sometimes, I wished that you were here. But I wonder if wishing for you to be here, is really a yearning for all that you represent.
And yes, our unfulfilled longings and desires, will one day be met in Heaven when we meet our Heavenly Father.
I’ve realized that love is not possession, but the daily patient prayer for the one you love, even if he/she doesn’t know that you are praying for him/her, that may be the ultimate level of love. And in those times, to give of our yearnings to Him. Talking, negotiating, interceding, questioning etc. , whatever, and He understands. :)
And yes, our unfulfilled longings and desires, will one day be met in Heaven when we meet our Heavenly Father.
I’ve realized that love is not possession, but the daily patient prayer for the one you love, even if he/she doesn’t know that you are praying for him/her, that may be the ultimate level of love. And in those times, to give of our yearnings to Him. Talking, negotiating, interceding, questioning etc. , whatever, and He understands. :)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
That too will pass
Though the sorrows may be too deep in present time to comprehend, that too would pass. Pain in retrospect always appears milder. And we, who are beings of eternity, suffer pain for that temporal moment, which marks a small little dot of time. One day, we would be free, when we meet our God and He wipes away every tear. When we contemplate the bigness of God and the earth, for that moment, our sorrows are gone. And yet, the big sovereign God would care to love us, each minute detail of our lives. Yes we are precious. And our eyes look up to You in our toughest times.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
A Happy Place
Life has kind of taken on a comfortable pace. Today is my 5th day of work. And since day 1, I have been looking forward to work daily. My workplace is nice, with my own laptop, a cosy work station, nice colleagues, interesting job scope. I'm happy. Time seems to fly at work, going for meetings, drafting proposals, brainstorming ideas, reading up articles etc. I'm happy.
Happy happy... In the midst of that feeling a bit tired.
Went for the GB Officers Retreat over the weekend. It was the first time I appeared at a GB event as a volunteer and it was announced over the mike cos all the staff received some token of appreciation. I was announced as ex staff. For that moment I felt a bit sad. And later many came up to me to ask me what I'm doing now, and someone asked if I was interested to take on a job at vietnam with her church! :D Heh. Cool.. I had to do some presentation at a workshop with my ex boss, and it was pretty last minute rush!
Im just rambling..heh...to get things off my head..
I have started a business with 2 great peeps, www.dothingsdifferent.com . It feels great to tell people that! The idea is to share people, places and pdts that are different- Social and environmental angles. We are in the midst of revamping the website...Do buy stuff from there if u are interested!
So in the midst of business, GB as a volunteer, new work... I feel like my career wise seems to be quite good. :D Its a happie happie place to be in.
Im feeling grateful..
I did a quiz on my spiritual giftings at the retreat, and mine were exhortation, faith and mercy. I am praying for quite a few things, and I think it is this gift of faith that has seen me thru many seasons. I supposedly have this gift of faith only because God has been so faithful in different seasons of my life, i.e. after angsting for so many mths, finally a job with a good fit (much much better than a civil svc job). And I'm continuing to believe Him for other things in my life that seem impossible, but only with faith is possible.
Oh yes, I finished this book "The Shack", and I was blessed beyond measure reading it. It made me cry a lot to realise how near Father God is, and how much He loves mankind. And that God was /is there with the kids in the dumpsite - i realise...because of the way God was described in the book. He is Love and Light. All that is good is in Him. We worry because we don't trust He is good. There's a line in the book that has God speaking something like this to the protagonist- have u realised in all your worries abt the future, I am not in them? Wow. I will share more again!
Happy happy... In the midst of that feeling a bit tired.
Went for the GB Officers Retreat over the weekend. It was the first time I appeared at a GB event as a volunteer and it was announced over the mike cos all the staff received some token of appreciation. I was announced as ex staff. For that moment I felt a bit sad. And later many came up to me to ask me what I'm doing now, and someone asked if I was interested to take on a job at vietnam with her church! :D Heh. Cool.. I had to do some presentation at a workshop with my ex boss, and it was pretty last minute rush!
Im just rambling..heh...to get things off my head..
I have started a business with 2 great peeps, www.dothingsdifferent.com . It feels great to tell people that! The idea is to share people, places and pdts that are different- Social and environmental angles. We are in the midst of revamping the website...Do buy stuff from there if u are interested!
So in the midst of business, GB as a volunteer, new work... I feel like my career wise seems to be quite good. :D Its a happie happie place to be in.
Im feeling grateful..
I did a quiz on my spiritual giftings at the retreat, and mine were exhortation, faith and mercy. I am praying for quite a few things, and I think it is this gift of faith that has seen me thru many seasons. I supposedly have this gift of faith only because God has been so faithful in different seasons of my life, i.e. after angsting for so many mths, finally a job with a good fit (much much better than a civil svc job). And I'm continuing to believe Him for other things in my life that seem impossible, but only with faith is possible.
Oh yes, I finished this book "The Shack", and I was blessed beyond measure reading it. It made me cry a lot to realise how near Father God is, and how much He loves mankind. And that God was /is there with the kids in the dumpsite - i realise...because of the way God was described in the book. He is Love and Light. All that is good is in Him. We worry because we don't trust He is good. There's a line in the book that has God speaking something like this to the protagonist- have u realised in all your worries abt the future, I am not in them? Wow. I will share more again!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Mr. Grey
I used to think of things in very Black and White terms. Either you love or you don't, either you are right or you are wrong. Either its a yes or a no.
In recent years, Mr. Grey started to appear in my dictionary.
The ability to take on uncertainty is precious. Waiting is precious. The process is important. Because we don't always get what we desire at one time.
But that ability to Hope, to keep Believing and trusting. That is precious.
And the insights that Mr. Grey brings to your life, when you start to see things from others perspectives and stop being dogmatic about your own. When life has no certainty, it is also a life of adventure.
So just let go and fly.
In recent years, Mr. Grey started to appear in my dictionary.
The ability to take on uncertainty is precious. Waiting is precious. The process is important. Because we don't always get what we desire at one time.
But that ability to Hope, to keep Believing and trusting. That is precious.
And the insights that Mr. Grey brings to your life, when you start to see things from others perspectives and stop being dogmatic about your own. When life has no certainty, it is also a life of adventure.
So just let go and fly.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Loving with all your heart
This hasn't been an easy week because it is a week of grieving over the loss of things that are important to me.
Just one of the things is that Friday is my last day in the office. Packing up, documenting papers, filing etc, brings back loads of memories. I have given of my time, emotions, heart to it.
(Grieving sounds badly serious, but grieve and let go was the best statement I ever heard from someone, and I believe grieving is the whole process of reconciling one's loss)
While talking to a friend on MSN about relationships, I thought of a quote I had read in C.S. Lewis's "Four Loves" before. I read it last year when I was contemplating on r/s, and nursing a broken heart. I found this entry in my blog which is very apt.
C.S. Lewis says
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this is the way in which they should break, so be it."
I don't know which other way to love, except to give fully of my heart.
In the same entry, I wrote this other quote that I had gathered from the book and really liked- it is the "smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy."
What the book was saying, was that the early christian writers, like the dessert fathers, or even Augustus, said that we should have no other loves than God. As in, the general idea is always that other loves - e.g. worldly cares, need to be taken away. But C.S. Lewis is saying, it is not about us trying to love man less, the problem is when we love God too little.
Yesterday was my birthday, and whilst walking to the bus stop, I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful. :) Maybe the rainbow was God's gift for me, cos none of the other passerbys stopped like me, to take a photo using my phone. And then I remembered God's covenant with me. He is faithful in spite of all the ups and downs. He has led me through 2 years and 4 months in my work here, held my hand thru different circumstances, and holds my heart in His mighty hand. The Greatness of God's love, or our love for God, helps us to love others with fullness of His love. It is impossible for me to emotionally shutdown to people I love even if they have hurt me deeply. But it is possible to give these hurts to God, and continue to love through His grace.
Just one of the things is that Friday is my last day in the office. Packing up, documenting papers, filing etc, brings back loads of memories. I have given of my time, emotions, heart to it.
(Grieving sounds badly serious, but grieve and let go was the best statement I ever heard from someone, and I believe grieving is the whole process of reconciling one's loss)
While talking to a friend on MSN about relationships, I thought of a quote I had read in C.S. Lewis's "Four Loves" before. I read it last year when I was contemplating on r/s, and nursing a broken heart. I found this entry in my blog which is very apt.
C.S. Lewis says
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this is the way in which they should break, so be it."
I don't know which other way to love, except to give fully of my heart.
In the same entry, I wrote this other quote that I had gathered from the book and really liked- it is the "smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy."
What the book was saying, was that the early christian writers, like the dessert fathers, or even Augustus, said that we should have no other loves than God. As in, the general idea is always that other loves - e.g. worldly cares, need to be taken away. But C.S. Lewis is saying, it is not about us trying to love man less, the problem is when we love God too little.
Yesterday was my birthday, and whilst walking to the bus stop, I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful. :) Maybe the rainbow was God's gift for me, cos none of the other passerbys stopped like me, to take a photo using my phone. And then I remembered God's covenant with me. He is faithful in spite of all the ups and downs. He has led me through 2 years and 4 months in my work here, held my hand thru different circumstances, and holds my heart in His mighty hand. The Greatness of God's love, or our love for God, helps us to love others with fullness of His love. It is impossible for me to emotionally shutdown to people I love even if they have hurt me deeply. But it is possible to give these hurts to God, and continue to love through His grace.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
lessons i have learnt: on love
1. To love I must first know who I am, be true to myself, my interests, my passions, my purpose. That is when I am in a position of security, because I know who I am on the inside.
2. To love places one in a position of vulnerability. It requires faith to love and to give of oneself. Jesus was in a position of vulnerability. He emptied of Himself. He loved us even before we loved Him. This is linked to point one. That is why we need to be secure in who we are before we can fully love and give of ourselves.
2. To love places one in a position of vulnerability. It requires faith to love and to give of oneself. Jesus was in a position of vulnerability. He emptied of Himself. He loved us even before we loved Him. This is linked to point one. That is why we need to be secure in who we are before we can fully love and give of ourselves.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Who Am I?
It's a quiet contemplative saturday, and there are many things heavy on my mind.
After a long struggle of 6 mths, I finally tendered my resignation two weeks ago. God has opened new doors for me to work in a more corporate environment, though still a non profit. It was a great big struggle thinking abt the women, the children in the third world. My new job has an international exposure but relates mainly with the developed nations. But I think it would be great exposure and learning for me. =D My last day wld be on the 27 Aug, and my first day at my new job wld be on 1 sept.
I think I would probably have more thots as I go along, but mainly the past few mths has been a lot of identity crisis. Thinking abt who I am, what I like, what I am called to do, how God has created me, vs who people think I am, societal pressures...and making sense of which was which. There were many voices each calling out their own.
Did I betray myself in my choice of career? Betray the calling for the poor? I ask myself this ques again and again..whether I am compromising for a more comfortable place. I ask myself the same ques thinking abt my relationships with people...the things I love, the people I love. And then ultimately it came to my heart. I need to have a heart of integrity that honours God and is true to myself. ;] And so this is the question of identity.
I have come to realise that Christianity is not abt a set of rights and wrongs, rules and regulations, but being led by the Spirit. There is a great liberty that God gives to us....walking in r/s with Him.
Pray that I wld continue to know who I am in Him! =)
After a long struggle of 6 mths, I finally tendered my resignation two weeks ago. God has opened new doors for me to work in a more corporate environment, though still a non profit. It was a great big struggle thinking abt the women, the children in the third world. My new job has an international exposure but relates mainly with the developed nations. But I think it would be great exposure and learning for me. =D My last day wld be on the 27 Aug, and my first day at my new job wld be on 1 sept.
I think I would probably have more thots as I go along, but mainly the past few mths has been a lot of identity crisis. Thinking abt who I am, what I like, what I am called to do, how God has created me, vs who people think I am, societal pressures...and making sense of which was which. There were many voices each calling out their own.
Did I betray myself in my choice of career? Betray the calling for the poor? I ask myself this ques again and again..whether I am compromising for a more comfortable place. I ask myself the same ques thinking abt my relationships with people...the things I love, the people I love. And then ultimately it came to my heart. I need to have a heart of integrity that honours God and is true to myself. ;] And so this is the question of identity.
I have come to realise that Christianity is not abt a set of rights and wrongs, rules and regulations, but being led by the Spirit. There is a great liberty that God gives to us....walking in r/s with Him.
Pray that I wld continue to know who I am in Him! =)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Loving means being vulnerable
If you know it is going to hurt, would you still love?
If you know it means being vulnerable, would you still love?
Our prodigal (lavishly abundant) God did.
These days, the quote by C.S. Lewis keeps popping up in my mind:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
Often we ask people to guard their hearts, but how do you guard your heart when it comes to loving?
Whether it is loving someone, loving a ministry, loving people you minister to etc. To love, brings you to a place of vulnerability. A possibility of being hurt & disappointed, as you open up your heart to someone and something. Maybe, loving with such abundance, is how our Father loved too? On the cross...whereby Jesus was in a position of vulnerability, because God loved the world so much that He gave His only son.
Whether it is loving someone, loving a ministry, loving people you minister to etc. To love, brings you to a place of vulnerability. A possibility of being hurt & disappointed, as you open up your heart to someone and something. Maybe, loving with such abundance, is how our Father loved too? On the cross...whereby Jesus was in a position of vulnerability, because God loved the world so much that He gave His only son.
How then do we love? I think we can only do it with the Father's help.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Simple Joys of Being
When I told my co-worker who is based in Cambodia that I had a heart for China, she said- u must have heard the wrong "C", the correct "C" should be Cambodia!
I didn't realise that working in GB or traveling to developing countries has given me such a low expectation of hotels and food. HY kept telling me her verse for me was "godliness with contentment is great gain". It really hadn't occurred to me how adaptable I had become in staying in low costs hotels and I have adapted to just having a roof over my head. (Though I haven't been to something really bad...like staying inside a slum house or...). I still like and enjoy the good life of course, and am experiencing in my comfortable home in Singapore daily.
The hotels in my recent China trip were of much more higher standard than I expected! There were hairdryers, toiletries, and they were clean. One even had rain showers.
The mountains reminded me of the Chengdu trip to the outskirts 2 years ago. The view was amazing. Maybe after running around so much, God just wanted me to be still and take stock of all He had brought me through. Huangshan appears to be a little more rocky, whereas Chengdu mountains were green.
I went to Shanghai and I am amazed by the tremendous development of the city. The skyscrappers, the long bridge, the night scene by the bund with golden litted buildings along it.
Its like nice beautiful scenes that we have along esplanade, and in a way more beautiful. It gives my heart a nice uplifting feeling. But these didn't cut through my heart.. Not like the mountains, the lakes, the rivers.
And as I reflect, why and when did China start meaning something to me? I think it was when I went to Yunnan for YEP. Then Sichuan. The mountains came together as a package with the kids with ruddy cheeks, sitting in cosy small huts/houses along fireplaces. The simple joy of Being.
And yes it was the same in Padang sitting in the house in a village, whereby blackout suddenly occured, and we were sitting in the living room drinking tea and chatting because there never was any TV there.
It was the same drinking Avocado juice in small cafes in Indonesia, that quaintness. And yes maybe some of that was found in Cambodia too, in those small cafes.
And how about the hawker centre at Penang. Penang Laksa and curry mee..and chats with loving people.
We went to the Shanghai expo, and I just couldn't "feel" it in Singapore booth, it was a nice architecture, but it felt cold, with a video showcasing how SG had moved from third world to first world.
Next to Indo booth and I felt the culture and diversity the land had. Next to Cambodia booth, though there was nothing much, sitting there sipping mango juice and laughing loudly was... Heavenly.
So since when did I develop a love for Cambodia and Indonesia I wonder?
And then I realise maybe it was never really about China.
It has all along been that simple joy of being that captured my heart.
I didn't realise that working in GB or traveling to developing countries has given me such a low expectation of hotels and food. HY kept telling me her verse for me was "godliness with contentment is great gain". It really hadn't occurred to me how adaptable I had become in staying in low costs hotels and I have adapted to just having a roof over my head. (Though I haven't been to something really bad...like staying inside a slum house or...). I still like and enjoy the good life of course, and am experiencing in my comfortable home in Singapore daily.
The hotels in my recent China trip were of much more higher standard than I expected! There were hairdryers, toiletries, and they were clean. One even had rain showers.
The mountains reminded me of the Chengdu trip to the outskirts 2 years ago. The view was amazing. Maybe after running around so much, God just wanted me to be still and take stock of all He had brought me through. Huangshan appears to be a little more rocky, whereas Chengdu mountains were green.
I went to Shanghai and I am amazed by the tremendous development of the city. The skyscrappers, the long bridge, the night scene by the bund with golden litted buildings along it.
Its like nice beautiful scenes that we have along esplanade, and in a way more beautiful. It gives my heart a nice uplifting feeling. But these didn't cut through my heart.. Not like the mountains, the lakes, the rivers.
And as I reflect, why and when did China start meaning something to me? I think it was when I went to Yunnan for YEP. Then Sichuan. The mountains came together as a package with the kids with ruddy cheeks, sitting in cosy small huts/houses along fireplaces. The simple joy of Being.
And yes it was the same in Padang sitting in the house in a village, whereby blackout suddenly occured, and we were sitting in the living room drinking tea and chatting because there never was any TV there.
It was the same drinking Avocado juice in small cafes in Indonesia, that quaintness. And yes maybe some of that was found in Cambodia too, in those small cafes.
And how about the hawker centre at Penang. Penang Laksa and curry mee..and chats with loving people.
We went to the Shanghai expo, and I just couldn't "feel" it in Singapore booth, it was a nice architecture, but it felt cold, with a video showcasing how SG had moved from third world to first world.
Next to Indo booth and I felt the culture and diversity the land had. Next to Cambodia booth, though there was nothing much, sitting there sipping mango juice and laughing loudly was... Heavenly.
So since when did I develop a love for Cambodia and Indonesia I wonder?
And then I realise maybe it was never really about China.
It has all along been that simple joy of being that captured my heart.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
A review
It became all apparent, as I was making my way home, on a very quiet night, that God had been so faithful in these 2 years. And my heart gives thanks for the sights and the smells that my senses had taken in.
I had been caught up for the past few mths to stay or go, so that I wasn't freed up to give thanks. There is so much to review, so much work that has been accomplished. And He was in it all.
It was fraught with its fair share of sorrows, after which the rainbow always came again.
I'm trotting into new happy land. I think I'm ready. Father help.
I had been caught up for the past few mths to stay or go, so that I wasn't freed up to give thanks. There is so much to review, so much work that has been accomplished. And He was in it all.
It was fraught with its fair share of sorrows, after which the rainbow always came again.
I'm trotting into new happy land. I think I'm ready. Father help.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Our destination
If we do not see each day as a process leading towards a destination, but we see each day as a destination in itself, then we would not be so concerned about how to get to our destination. Rather, we would be concerned about enjoying each day. Each day we are alive is a gift from God. And our ultimate destination is not about where we go, but about who we become.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Whose Child is this?
In "The Hole in the Gospel", Richard Stearns says that we see children in the developing countries as other people's children. For example, if you read about a child who is starving in Africa, it would seem far remote from you. But if one day you come home, and you find a child sitting outside your door, and he is starving to death, you would immediately bring food out to save this child.
Whose child is this? The question is asked.
Until we can identify with these children, and these children become personal to us, they would always be other people's children.
But they are Daddy God's children, each of them precious to Him, and He sees each as His own.
So my question again, Whose child is this?
When you can answer this question...your heart breaks with Father God...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Pour out Your love into our hearts
"and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Rom 5:5 (ESV)
If we are not able to sell all our possessions and follow Him, it would be because we do not understand the depth of His love for us.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
You and I were created for freedom.
Freedom is in our heart.
Nobody likes to be constricted.
Fear constrains us. But when the Spirit comes, He sets us free. By which we call the Father, Abba Father. And we understand that we are His children. We receive His inheritance. And we dwell in safe places where we are free to be who He created us to be.
While we are here in this world, we don't feel at home. But Jesus brings us to a resting place even now. The state of being rested in the Father and communing with Him on a daily basis.
I love to travel. The adventurous spirit in me likes to explore, to meet people of different nationalities. To see different sights, smell different places. =D
And when the fear in the heart is removed...I run...on Green fields of His. =)
Penang was great. Met with people from different nations. Many missionaries! They helped me to expand my horizons beyond this tiny but lovely island Singapore. I miss the warm and friendly hugs and affection... We were created for love!
One day we will see each other......
No wonder God told Elijah he was not alone. His tiny puny mind could only see where he stood. But all over the world, people with Kingdom mind are present. How lovely, how wonderful to have a big family & community!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The Wilderness
I often wished I were smarter & more eloquent, like being able to get a scholarship, study in one of those branded US or UK university, and get a top notch job, maybe as a investment banker, or an analyst, or admin service in the civil service or...
I wish I were more assertive, then I wouldn't be bullied, I would be that confident girl who struts around knowing what she wants.
I wish I were prettier...
And many more wishes of being someone else.
This week a leadership training was held for about 140 sec 3 girls at our compound, and I did registration for them. As I interacted with them, or observed them, some of my childhood/youthful angst came up from nowhere, unexpectedly. Those fears, those longings and desires to be well liked- as a youth never quite ever being the most popular, but the quiet one with the spectacles at the corner. The only way I could get some attention for myself was when I scored good grades, and the teacher highlighted my name.
Last night, my sis wanted to borrow my RGS tie, and as I held it, a forgotten pride welled up from within. Whatever that I had felt as a sec sch girl, wearing the uniform.
And there I was, as I was marking the attendance for the girls, wondering what I am doing here? I have now nothing to speak of for my career status. If my confidence used to be in my grades, now I can no longer boast in these. What then, can I boast in?
The residues of that youthful angst and that desire for belonging remains. Though adults have a better way of masking these with better dressing, proper ettique and lots of activities. How now...?
I kind of breezed through getting my first job even before I graduated. The current job had informal interviews. And now exploring the next step, I am hit by the reality of rejection and misfits. I feel very small in my own eyes.
As Pastor Edmund would name it- its the primal wounds of the heart. Stuff that you bring from childhood into adulthood. Dear God, clear it and heal it please. <3
I wish I were more assertive, then I wouldn't be bullied, I would be that confident girl who struts around knowing what she wants.
I wish I were prettier...
And many more wishes of being someone else.
This week a leadership training was held for about 140 sec 3 girls at our compound, and I did registration for them. As I interacted with them, or observed them, some of my childhood/youthful angst came up from nowhere, unexpectedly. Those fears, those longings and desires to be well liked- as a youth never quite ever being the most popular, but the quiet one with the spectacles at the corner. The only way I could get some attention for myself was when I scored good grades, and the teacher highlighted my name.
Last night, my sis wanted to borrow my RGS tie, and as I held it, a forgotten pride welled up from within. Whatever that I had felt as a sec sch girl, wearing the uniform.
And there I was, as I was marking the attendance for the girls, wondering what I am doing here? I have now nothing to speak of for my career status. If my confidence used to be in my grades, now I can no longer boast in these. What then, can I boast in?
The residues of that youthful angst and that desire for belonging remains. Though adults have a better way of masking these with better dressing, proper ettique and lots of activities. How now...?
I kind of breezed through getting my first job even before I graduated. The current job had informal interviews. And now exploring the next step, I am hit by the reality of rejection and misfits. I feel very small in my own eyes.
As Pastor Edmund would name it- its the primal wounds of the heart. Stuff that you bring from childhood into adulthood. Dear God, clear it and heal it please. <3
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Weddings and HDB Flats!
These 2 years there seems to be an accelerated no. of wedding invitations! I just went for one on Saturday, and in June there's going to be two more. Most of my really good friends are married! I have been invited to their various flats for meals, and its really so surreal to see my friends having their own flats. :P Each one carries a style of their own. Yessss the societal norm to get married is so strong!
Looking at their other halves and attending weddings also makes me think about what I really want, and the type of person I'm looking for...Together with people I've dated, had crushes on etc. ...what worked, what didn't etc.
I really wish that it was easier. And ofcos assessing my single status, the benefits that come with it...greater mobility, more time etc.
------------------
My hands and legs have several mosquito bites! :( And guess where I got bitten...
At home! :P Its scary when home is a place you got to be neurotic about. Most of the time, I get bitten when I'm preparing for work in the morning! Sprayed insecticide around the corners but it doesnt seem to help. And I have an average of 4 new bites everyday for the last week. :( :( Mosquitos, I command you to flee!
Being philosophical ofcos......makes me think of the deeper question of how home is meant to be a safe place, and how it is sometimes not. Maybe the very people you thought you could trust abused you?
And our family backgrounds greatly affect our development, i.e. our view towards relationships, life etc. And then the desire for love makes us to find it in the wrong places...
Looking at their other halves and attending weddings also makes me think about what I really want, and the type of person I'm looking for...Together with people I've dated, had crushes on etc. ...what worked, what didn't etc.
I really wish that it was easier. And ofcos assessing my single status, the benefits that come with it...greater mobility, more time etc.
------------------
My hands and legs have several mosquito bites! :( And guess where I got bitten...
At home! :P Its scary when home is a place you got to be neurotic about. Most of the time, I get bitten when I'm preparing for work in the morning! Sprayed insecticide around the corners but it doesnt seem to help. And I have an average of 4 new bites everyday for the last week. :( :( Mosquitos, I command you to flee!
Being philosophical ofcos......makes me think of the deeper question of how home is meant to be a safe place, and how it is sometimes not. Maybe the very people you thought you could trust abused you?
And our family backgrounds greatly affect our development, i.e. our view towards relationships, life etc. And then the desire for love makes us to find it in the wrong places...
Monday, May 03, 2010
Creating Spaces for God and Relationships and Myself
April came and went, it was a crazy week of 2 trips to Cambodia, conferences and workshops and events and rushing work etc. ;) Glad I emerged sane!
Labour Day Holiday applied to me cos I usually have to work on Saturdays. Was very thankful for the long weekend. I spent Sat morning at East Coast Beach cycling with my cell grp, and after that, I sat at a shaded area for an hour or so just reflecting, worshipping and praying. It was nice. Unknowingly, my back and my arms turned lobster red too!
I went for intercessory prayer on Sun 8am, cos it was anchored by the missions committee. While we were worshipping, someone read the verses from Isa 49:8 onwards. I was touched, because they were the verses that God gave me in 2007 when I was praying about leaving GIC. God remembered me! And 2 May marks the 2 year anniversary of my time in The Girls' Brigade.
After service I spent a good 2 hrs or so processing my thoughts with an aunty in the church whom I respect a lot, and she was also kind of instrumental in my job switch two years ago. I was thankful for the time of sharing and praying together.
And finally, I went for KTV with my good old friends. :D Though I felt so ancient cos my knowledge of chinese songs and singers probably stopped in the 1990s or early 2000. I was glad for time to chill out though.
It has been a fruitful weekend, and today is still rest day for me! Yay! :D Waiting and creating spaces for God and relationships (and myself). I like.. :D
Labour Day Holiday applied to me cos I usually have to work on Saturdays. Was very thankful for the long weekend. I spent Sat morning at East Coast Beach cycling with my cell grp, and after that, I sat at a shaded area for an hour or so just reflecting, worshipping and praying. It was nice. Unknowingly, my back and my arms turned lobster red too!
I went for intercessory prayer on Sun 8am, cos it was anchored by the missions committee. While we were worshipping, someone read the verses from Isa 49:8 onwards. I was touched, because they were the verses that God gave me in 2007 when I was praying about leaving GIC. God remembered me! And 2 May marks the 2 year anniversary of my time in The Girls' Brigade.
After service I spent a good 2 hrs or so processing my thoughts with an aunty in the church whom I respect a lot, and she was also kind of instrumental in my job switch two years ago. I was thankful for the time of sharing and praying together.
And finally, I went for KTV with my good old friends. :D Though I felt so ancient cos my knowledge of chinese songs and singers probably stopped in the 1990s or early 2000. I was glad for time to chill out though.
It has been a fruitful weekend, and today is still rest day for me! Yay! :D Waiting and creating spaces for God and relationships (and myself). I like.. :D
Saturday, April 10, 2010
It bleeds! It hurts!
I was put on local anesthesia before I extracted my wisdom teeth. One on my right bottom was horizontal and embedded in my gums. The injection hurt, and my bottom chin and lips became swollen after abt 30 min. But when Dr. Tan began the operation, I could not feel any pain, even though there were loud grinding noises and pressure on my gums. My eyes were covered to prevent water from splashing in and protect me from the light glare. But the unknown made me scared. Trust & Faith in Dr. Tan and in the anesthesia injection..did I trust the local anesthesia? Logically, there should be pain. I was scared that there would be sudden jutting pain bcos the injection wasn't done properly.
Why did God create pain? It reminded me of Philip Yancey's book "Where is God when it hurts?". In the book, he says that pain helps us to know that there is something we need to fix, and prevents us from getting hurt. E.g. leprosy patients lose feelings in their limps, and they scratch themselves, cut themselves etc, but it doesn't hurt. Pain is a good indication from God that we are hurting.
Dr. Tan was stitching the wound, and he said, we are now at the last stage of the op. You have been very brave, you hardly made a noise, are you okay? Are you used to having operations?
Well actually no, I have never been hospitalized, and this is my second operation since few years ago extracting my first ever wisdom tooth.
I took the MRT home after the op. I felt no pain in my mouth, except for numbness and a swollen chin. When I got home, there was a lot of blood but no pain! Again brings home the pt of pain...
Sometimes I think, we are numbed to pain, but physical symptoms like bleeding show us that we are hurting and we are in need of medical care. What abt for emotional issues that hurt us? Do we wait until physical symptoms appear that we know we are in need of care? These are more tricky...isn't it? Do I have a big threshold for pain?
Why did God create pain? It reminded me of Philip Yancey's book "Where is God when it hurts?". In the book, he says that pain helps us to know that there is something we need to fix, and prevents us from getting hurt. E.g. leprosy patients lose feelings in their limps, and they scratch themselves, cut themselves etc, but it doesn't hurt. Pain is a good indication from God that we are hurting.
Dr. Tan was stitching the wound, and he said, we are now at the last stage of the op. You have been very brave, you hardly made a noise, are you okay? Are you used to having operations?
Well actually no, I have never been hospitalized, and this is my second operation since few years ago extracting my first ever wisdom tooth.
I took the MRT home after the op. I felt no pain in my mouth, except for numbness and a swollen chin. When I got home, there was a lot of blood but no pain! Again brings home the pt of pain...
Sometimes I think, we are numbed to pain, but physical symptoms like bleeding show us that we are hurting and we are in need of medical care. What abt for emotional issues that hurt us? Do we wait until physical symptoms appear that we know we are in need of care? These are more tricky...isn't it? Do I have a big threshold for pain?
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Family and Friends :)
I extracted my wisdom TEETH today, plucked 3 of them! :D one was like intensive grinding..
Mum cooked lovely porridge. I love my parents fussing over me. I am so blessed.
I am also deeply grateful for the good friends He has placed in my life. Emails, MSN, smses...prayers, sharings. Thank you my dears, for being with me. \XOXOXO/
I wish I have a special someone to share my life with. But He has provided me with the most wonderful angels (also known as family and friends). I am blessed.
Thankful for some MC after wisdom tooth extraction. :)
Mum cooked lovely porridge. I love my parents fussing over me. I am so blessed.
I am also deeply grateful for the good friends He has placed in my life. Emails, MSN, smses...prayers, sharings. Thank you my dears, for being with me. \XOXOXO/
I wish I have a special someone to share my life with. But He has provided me with the most wonderful angels (also known as family and friends). I am blessed.
Thankful for some MC after wisdom tooth extraction. :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
What keeps that fire buring?
I haven't been blogging for a while since I got back from Cambodia... And April has some upcoming meetings...looks like I may be flying up again! I enjoy the "action" though, which pretty much keeps me energised.
Thinking abt life...and what I want with it. It has been a pretty confusing journey, weighing the pros and cons of different options. Sigh. Being a person who likes to plan ahead, and is more interested in the outcomes/goals than in the process, it has been so hard taking the uncertainty. I still have not arrived at any conclusion yet. Direction in life is so confusing! :S
Today I went to The New Charis Missions, they have a new place near YCK/Jalan Kayu. It was nice. A big nice quaint bangalow that houses abt 50+ of ex-offenders/drug abusers in transition. I was updated that they currently also go to schs to run programmes with at risk youths. So so so encouraged to hear that. What better people to share perspectives with these youths then these band of brothers who are currently leading such changed and inspiring lives? Don shared with me that it is tiring to run all these programmes, but it is that calling that fuels him, and he is happy. :) It is a happy happy atmosphere in that place.
With that ofcos....makes me think abt that little spark of fire in me, and what ignites that spark. It must not just be a spark that is ignited by excitement. It must be a burning fire that continues to burn after that spark of inspiration dies and monotony sneaks in.
Pastor Kai talked abt Eric Liddell in his sermon on Sun. This is a guy who eventually went to China to be a missionary, but before that, he won olympic medals for running. His sis couldn't understand why he was an atheletic since he had a missions calling. Eric Liddell says - "I run for the glory of God". Earlier I had blogged before this quote by him, "When I run, I feel His pleasure."
Even the most godly things we do, if not for God's glory, is nothing.
Even the most mundane thing we do, if for God's glory, means something - that yieldedness of all our activities and our whole life unto Him.
Maybe sometimes for seasons, we have to step back, away from what are the most "godly" tasks, and it seems like a roundabout way away from our calling. But...we need to figure out why we want to step back or should we persevere on?
Its such a puzzle differentiating betw all these!
Thinking abt life...and what I want with it. It has been a pretty confusing journey, weighing the pros and cons of different options. Sigh. Being a person who likes to plan ahead, and is more interested in the outcomes/goals than in the process, it has been so hard taking the uncertainty. I still have not arrived at any conclusion yet. Direction in life is so confusing! :S
Today I went to The New Charis Missions, they have a new place near YCK/Jalan Kayu. It was nice. A big nice quaint bangalow that houses abt 50+ of ex-offenders/drug abusers in transition. I was updated that they currently also go to schs to run programmes with at risk youths. So so so encouraged to hear that. What better people to share perspectives with these youths then these band of brothers who are currently leading such changed and inspiring lives? Don shared with me that it is tiring to run all these programmes, but it is that calling that fuels him, and he is happy. :) It is a happy happy atmosphere in that place.
With that ofcos....makes me think abt that little spark of fire in me, and what ignites that spark. It must not just be a spark that is ignited by excitement. It must be a burning fire that continues to burn after that spark of inspiration dies and monotony sneaks in.
Pastor Kai talked abt Eric Liddell in his sermon on Sun. This is a guy who eventually went to China to be a missionary, but before that, he won olympic medals for running. His sis couldn't understand why he was an atheletic since he had a missions calling. Eric Liddell says - "I run for the glory of God". Earlier I had blogged before this quote by him, "When I run, I feel His pleasure."
Even the most godly things we do, if not for God's glory, is nothing.
Even the most mundane thing we do, if for God's glory, means something - that yieldedness of all our activities and our whole life unto Him.
Maybe sometimes for seasons, we have to step back, away from what are the most "godly" tasks, and it seems like a roundabout way away from our calling. But...we need to figure out why we want to step back or should we persevere on?
Its such a puzzle differentiating betw all these!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The cacophony of Time
I was taken ill the day I got back from Cambodia.
I flew off to Cambodia on a Sunday, and got back on a Friday night. Saturday morning, I had to be my friend's bridesmaid, so I reached her house at 645am. In the morning, I felt a bit of discomfort with some diarrhea. As the day progressed towards the afternoon, it seemed to get worse and I felt dizzy, tired and hungry. Thought it was just because I didn't eat breakfast cos of the early morning. Wedding lunch i didn't have much appetite and the dress was so tight! Grrr.... By the time I got home at 5ish pm I was zonked out. Diarrhea everytime I ate or drank and fever!
Saw doc two times, and today is my last day of MC. :D Thankful I'm feeling much better now. Thankful for all the friends who prayed for me.
Time seems to stop when you are sick. Work has to be put aside, appointments fixed have to be cancelled or rescheduled, housework has to wait. TIME- U are my slave, u have to wait.
Funny how time has become our master isn't it. I always find I have no time for anything. And staying at home, mostly bedridden because you are dizzy makes you really stay at home!!! I really don't like staying on my bed, and I was upset cos I have 101 things to do you know! Like replying emails, typing reports, reading bible, reading the news, washing the clothes, packing etc etc. I found I couldn't move too much and it was frustrating.
Maybe it was a time for time to stop. A time to say no and be still. Which is absolutely difficult. Using the internet now is not staying still! Too used to moving at breakneck speed that I can't take staying still. But still.....
Trip to Cambodia was good. Cos I saw some of the work, and some of the youths who were discipled. Felt that the ground was soft and doors opened with the many prayers. But still a country in need of much hope after the terrible past that it has gone through. The key probably lies in the new generation who are filled with new hope and a new eagerness to learn. :)
At one point on my trip, I suddenly couldn't remember I was in Indonesia, Cambodia or Philippines? I went to Indonesia about 7 times for the past 2 years, and Philippines 2 times within last 5 years. And this is my 2nd trip to Cambodia. Not that I'm trying to count the times to redeem some trophy. But what would these trips cumulate to? I am thinking it may end up in a book....but then again some of these things I saw can't be expressed into a book. The darkness, poverty, destitute, those eyes of the little children, children without clothes, the pain BUT also that simplicity, the joy, the love.... That's why maybe I couldn't remember where I was. Sometimes it really hurts to think too much abt the pain and the needs in these places that I have been to. Its a miserable burden...esp on the days when you are sick. :S
But life goes on.....with the tyranny of time. Maybe we aren't so busy afterall? I don't know how...but we each can only help build that part of the rainbow. And the thing is...how do we stop working at breakneck speed when the world is dying? haa....its really difficult ques to ans.
Felt I needed to rest in His Love even as I was sick. Even when I was feeling miserable bedridden...He was there, is there, in every waking or sleeping moment. And I cling on to His love desperately. And pray His sovereign Kindness over everything that happens on Earth.
I flew off to Cambodia on a Sunday, and got back on a Friday night. Saturday morning, I had to be my friend's bridesmaid, so I reached her house at 645am. In the morning, I felt a bit of discomfort with some diarrhea. As the day progressed towards the afternoon, it seemed to get worse and I felt dizzy, tired and hungry. Thought it was just because I didn't eat breakfast cos of the early morning. Wedding lunch i didn't have much appetite and the dress was so tight! Grrr.... By the time I got home at 5ish pm I was zonked out. Diarrhea everytime I ate or drank and fever!
Saw doc two times, and today is my last day of MC. :D Thankful I'm feeling much better now. Thankful for all the friends who prayed for me.
Time seems to stop when you are sick. Work has to be put aside, appointments fixed have to be cancelled or rescheduled, housework has to wait. TIME- U are my slave, u have to wait.
Funny how time has become our master isn't it. I always find I have no time for anything. And staying at home, mostly bedridden because you are dizzy makes you really stay at home!!! I really don't like staying on my bed, and I was upset cos I have 101 things to do you know! Like replying emails, typing reports, reading bible, reading the news, washing the clothes, packing etc etc. I found I couldn't move too much and it was frustrating.
Maybe it was a time for time to stop. A time to say no and be still. Which is absolutely difficult. Using the internet now is not staying still! Too used to moving at breakneck speed that I can't take staying still. But still.....
Trip to Cambodia was good. Cos I saw some of the work, and some of the youths who were discipled. Felt that the ground was soft and doors opened with the many prayers. But still a country in need of much hope after the terrible past that it has gone through. The key probably lies in the new generation who are filled with new hope and a new eagerness to learn. :)
At one point on my trip, I suddenly couldn't remember I was in Indonesia, Cambodia or Philippines? I went to Indonesia about 7 times for the past 2 years, and Philippines 2 times within last 5 years. And this is my 2nd trip to Cambodia. Not that I'm trying to count the times to redeem some trophy. But what would these trips cumulate to? I am thinking it may end up in a book....but then again some of these things I saw can't be expressed into a book. The darkness, poverty, destitute, those eyes of the little children, children without clothes, the pain BUT also that simplicity, the joy, the love.... That's why maybe I couldn't remember where I was. Sometimes it really hurts to think too much abt the pain and the needs in these places that I have been to. Its a miserable burden...esp on the days when you are sick. :S
But life goes on.....with the tyranny of time. Maybe we aren't so busy afterall? I don't know how...but we each can only help build that part of the rainbow. And the thing is...how do we stop working at breakneck speed when the world is dying? haa....its really difficult ques to ans.
Felt I needed to rest in His Love even as I was sick. Even when I was feeling miserable bedridden...He was there, is there, in every waking or sleeping moment. And I cling on to His love desperately. And pray His sovereign Kindness over everything that happens on Earth.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
When I am awake, I am still with You...
Grateful for the long CNY break, starting with a halfday on Friday, all the way to Tuesday. 4.5 days of break! Yeah! Managed to catch 2 movies - one with my mum until 2am, about a not-so-pretty lady who went for a full cosmetic surgery & slimming operation, and became like a babe. Anyway, there was a lot of pain & esteem issues abt not looking pretty, in the way that every girl wants to look beautiful. Beauty is only skin deep, but people judge you by your appearences. One of the most lovely thing was I woke up with Ps 139 on Monday.
I liked this: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
But the verse that I woke up with was this:
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
...
When I awake,
I am still with you.
What I really liked abt CNY hols was I got to spend a lot of time with my family. I spent the whole of Monday at home as some people came for visitation. Other than church, the rest of Sunday was also spent with family on visitation. And this year, it seems that my eyes have become more opened, in that I don't just see my uncle and aunties as just relatives..I see that they are people with their sets of struggles and pains and joys. I think it really helps working in an organization whereby your have colleagues and partners who are in their 40s and 50s.
Slept quite a bit...but the wrinkes and dark eyerings under my eyes dont seem to be fading away...if anything, they seem to be increasing in creases. WHY! Sobs... Eyecreams dont seem to work.
Yup..back to work!
I liked this: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
But the verse that I woke up with was this:
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
...
When I awake,
I am still with you.
What I really liked abt CNY hols was I got to spend a lot of time with my family. I spent the whole of Monday at home as some people came for visitation. Other than church, the rest of Sunday was also spent with family on visitation. And this year, it seems that my eyes have become more opened, in that I don't just see my uncle and aunties as just relatives..I see that they are people with their sets of struggles and pains and joys. I think it really helps working in an organization whereby your have colleagues and partners who are in their 40s and 50s.
Slept quite a bit...but the wrinkes and dark eyerings under my eyes dont seem to be fading away...if anything, they seem to be increasing in creases. WHY! Sobs... Eyecreams dont seem to work.
Yup..back to work!
Friday, February 12, 2010
He is faithful
This morning my colleague passed me a note of encouragement, abt seeing joy on my face for the past 2 weeks, and quoting verse in Isaiah that says we will go forth with joy. Thankful...she said she was encouraged by me too, seeing that one does not need to be dragged down and bitter due to one's environment. :) I'm so happy.
Breakthrough2, we had an open and authentic meeting with a partner we have been working with to organize school trips. It has been stressful cos we do not have the capacity to host too many teams in Cambodia. But it was good we could share about what we knew about the ground and how we could better work together to meet needs on the ground. She even said she would help us work on a English syllabus for our children in Cambodia that teams could use when they go.
Third breakthrough, we have been rallying teams to go to Indonesia, and in June we are having 3 GB teams going to Jogjakarta and Malang. Its the first time any GB girls team is going!
Fourth, finally approval has been granted for us to send money to build a training centre and accomodation in Sumatra.
I think that God is so faithful, and He is kind because he allowed me to see some fruits. But more so than that, it has taught me to wait, He has His own timing and seasons for different things. :D I struggle a lot within letting go, but this morning my colleague's note really encouraged me to trust God in different seasons of our lives. Learning to live each day at a time, each day is an adventure of seeing how things unfold and fit into His sovereign plan.
You Are So Faithful
Lenny Leblanc
Like the sun that rises everyday
You are so faithful, Lord, You are faithful
Like the rain that You send
And every breath that I breathe
You are so faithful, Lord
Like a rose that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, Lord, You are so faithful
Like the life that You give to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful, Lord
I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away
And in the midst of the storm
Through the wind and the waves
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful, Lord
Breakthrough2, we had an open and authentic meeting with a partner we have been working with to organize school trips. It has been stressful cos we do not have the capacity to host too many teams in Cambodia. But it was good we could share about what we knew about the ground and how we could better work together to meet needs on the ground. She even said she would help us work on a English syllabus for our children in Cambodia that teams could use when they go.
Third breakthrough, we have been rallying teams to go to Indonesia, and in June we are having 3 GB teams going to Jogjakarta and Malang. Its the first time any GB girls team is going!
Fourth, finally approval has been granted for us to send money to build a training centre and accomodation in Sumatra.
I think that God is so faithful, and He is kind because he allowed me to see some fruits. But more so than that, it has taught me to wait, He has His own timing and seasons for different things. :D I struggle a lot within letting go, but this morning my colleague's note really encouraged me to trust God in different seasons of our lives. Learning to live each day at a time, each day is an adventure of seeing how things unfold and fit into His sovereign plan.
You Are So Faithful
Lenny Leblanc
Like the sun that rises everyday
You are so faithful, Lord, You are faithful
Like the rain that You send
And every breath that I breathe
You are so faithful, Lord
Like a rose that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, Lord, You are so faithful
Like the life that You give to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful, Lord
I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away
And in the midst of the storm
Through the wind and the waves
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful, Lord
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
thoughts thoughts thoughts..
I really havent been blogging for a long long while!
I'm doing fine...been engaged in a couple of interesting and new opportunities. :) I'm happy... Mentally and emotionally engaged...
I've been journaling more often than blogging!
A couple of thoughts:
1. Reflecting on different situations I experience in life, I realise that there's no right or wrong person, we are each the best of ourselves. What do I mean? In terms of relationships, job fits etc, we each come with different qualities and skill sets that makes us attractive to each other or to the task at hand. Hence if I don't get a job, or I don't end up with someone, I'm still the best of who I am. I'm not less than someone else, rather I am special and unique.
2. I'm blessed to see the fruits of my labour in the office, as projects are starting to take form, and schools are starting to get excited about Indonesia! :D I'm so thankful that God allowed this to take place. Relationships with people has also improved tremendously. Indeed, labour takes time to bear fruit. Don't give up if you are in a hard place.
Nothing else much to say...for now. :D Shall elaborate more abt new opptys when they become more firmed up!
Happy that CNY hols are coming up!
I'm doing fine...been engaged in a couple of interesting and new opportunities. :) I'm happy... Mentally and emotionally engaged...
I've been journaling more often than blogging!
A couple of thoughts:
1. Reflecting on different situations I experience in life, I realise that there's no right or wrong person, we are each the best of ourselves. What do I mean? In terms of relationships, job fits etc, we each come with different qualities and skill sets that makes us attractive to each other or to the task at hand. Hence if I don't get a job, or I don't end up with someone, I'm still the best of who I am. I'm not less than someone else, rather I am special and unique.
2. I'm blessed to see the fruits of my labour in the office, as projects are starting to take form, and schools are starting to get excited about Indonesia! :D I'm so thankful that God allowed this to take place. Relationships with people has also improved tremendously. Indeed, labour takes time to bear fruit. Don't give up if you are in a hard place.
Nothing else much to say...for now. :D Shall elaborate more abt new opptys when they become more firmed up!
Happy that CNY hols are coming up!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Life Lessons
About a month ago, I went to have a haircut, and I removed my earrings, wrapped them in a tissue and put into my bag. When I came home, I couldn't find the earrings in my bag and I thought I had thrown the tissue away accidentally! I was so sad because my mum bought me those earrings, and they were my new favourite pair.
Last week, I was taking a pouch from my bag, and as I fished it out, one side of the earring was hanging on the pouch. I dug in the bag and found the other side! This is a different bag from the one I brought for the haircut, and I don't know why the earrings ended up there. But it is sure makes a good philosophical lesson on "losing" something, waiting and finding it back again.
----
Went to the gym yesterday, and the Personal Trainer said- you have very high endurance level, but little strength. But it's ok, he said, with the endurance, you would be able to improve your strength in a matter of time. I feel that this is a statement that is true about my work. I think I have a high endurance level. But in terms of "strength", i.e. expertise, knowledge with regards to many things, I feel inadequate all the time. Who u see yourself as, probably determines the threshold/limit of who u can be. Actually..Who your God is determines the threshold/limit of who He can make you to be.
Last week, I was taking a pouch from my bag, and as I fished it out, one side of the earring was hanging on the pouch. I dug in the bag and found the other side! This is a different bag from the one I brought for the haircut, and I don't know why the earrings ended up there. But it is sure makes a good philosophical lesson on "losing" something, waiting and finding it back again.
----
Went to the gym yesterday, and the Personal Trainer said- you have very high endurance level, but little strength. But it's ok, he said, with the endurance, you would be able to improve your strength in a matter of time. I feel that this is a statement that is true about my work. I think I have a high endurance level. But in terms of "strength", i.e. expertise, knowledge with regards to many things, I feel inadequate all the time. Who u see yourself as, probably determines the threshold/limit of who u can be. Actually..Who your God is determines the threshold/limit of who He can make you to be.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Things that have deeply possessed my soul
Sometimes..
Its not easy to figure out the desires of my heart. Except those sudden moments that trigger that gripe in my heart, and I seem to come closer to the me on the inside. Oh, those sudden moments that touch my heart.
C.S. Lewis describes this better.
All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...
I hope to become closer to me, i.e. who I was created to be.
And life is filled with decisions, delimmas. heh...after all the layers are pealed off, I hope I can be honest with myself and my desires and who He has created me to be. So that I may have the courage to opt for that path.
Its not easy to figure out the desires of my heart. Except those sudden moments that trigger that gripe in my heart, and I seem to come closer to the me on the inside. Oh, those sudden moments that touch my heart.
C.S. Lewis describes this better.
All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...
I hope to become closer to me, i.e. who I was created to be.
And life is filled with decisions, delimmas. heh...after all the layers are pealed off, I hope I can be honest with myself and my desires and who He has created me to be. So that I may have the courage to opt for that path.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Adventure!
It was a great trip!
Experienced floods, which was a little scary when it started to rain and it was night time. We couldn't see what we were walking on cos it was dark, and we had to tread though the waters. But the kiddos in the village bathed and raced in their sampans on the approx 1 mtr deep waters around their house. Such resilience and simple enjoyment, and of turning a natural disaster into something fun! I enjoyed being in the village cos of that adventurous streak in me - maybe cos I missed that rebellious teenager phase, and I'm experiencing it post teenager! Enjoyed the experience of being with different culture, different types of housing and living, certainly opens up my mind to many things!
Thank God for His protection in such different situations! And that we didn't get food poisoning even though we ate with our hands for most times, like the locals, and tried different types of food and drinks.
One thing that struck me is how our partners live amongst the villagers! One particular team travels a few hrs every week to this remote village! Its amazing. Reminds me of how I felt at Philippines, that God would travel to the most remote of places in the villages to reach out to His people. And also, its the whole concept of how you need to live amongst the people and be with them. Like Jesus staying and living amongst men. I think this makes good community development model too! Not just some high level sit at the office kind of planning.
I wished the trip would not end. But honestly I did miss my comfy bed and my bathroom and my family. I don't think I can take staying in the village for a long while, and a few days is really novelty. Plus you don't get to bathe in the village! Unless you want to use well water or bathe in the river. It reminds me that locals are best at reaching locals. And what is the unique pt we singaporeans have? I guess we have resources, materials, techniques that we could train the locals in and empower them.
Whats great though abt going to a developing country and spending time there? Its a great big detox from busy Singapore. At one particular village, there was no TV, and at night time, we all sat around to chat and drink tea. It forces you to interact with people on a very human level. On almost a daily basis, we had great times of sharing and devotion and worship too amongst our team. It was great spending time with God. I went to Indo to find Him, and found Him I did!
It strikes me that it is not so much of the environment we are in (tho that greatly helps) but that inner attitude and pursuit of God. Its been a week since I got back and life is starting to get busy again. But this year I really hope to spend time off and daily to be living my life like I am on a missions trip.
Experienced floods, which was a little scary when it started to rain and it was night time. We couldn't see what we were walking on cos it was dark, and we had to tread though the waters. But the kiddos in the village bathed and raced in their sampans on the approx 1 mtr deep waters around their house. Such resilience and simple enjoyment, and of turning a natural disaster into something fun! I enjoyed being in the village cos of that adventurous streak in me - maybe cos I missed that rebellious teenager phase, and I'm experiencing it post teenager! Enjoyed the experience of being with different culture, different types of housing and living, certainly opens up my mind to many things!
Thank God for His protection in such different situations! And that we didn't get food poisoning even though we ate with our hands for most times, like the locals, and tried different types of food and drinks.
One thing that struck me is how our partners live amongst the villagers! One particular team travels a few hrs every week to this remote village! Its amazing. Reminds me of how I felt at Philippines, that God would travel to the most remote of places in the villages to reach out to His people. And also, its the whole concept of how you need to live amongst the people and be with them. Like Jesus staying and living amongst men. I think this makes good community development model too! Not just some high level sit at the office kind of planning.
I wished the trip would not end. But honestly I did miss my comfy bed and my bathroom and my family. I don't think I can take staying in the village for a long while, and a few days is really novelty. Plus you don't get to bathe in the village! Unless you want to use well water or bathe in the river. It reminds me that locals are best at reaching locals. And what is the unique pt we singaporeans have? I guess we have resources, materials, techniques that we could train the locals in and empower them.
Whats great though abt going to a developing country and spending time there? Its a great big detox from busy Singapore. At one particular village, there was no TV, and at night time, we all sat around to chat and drink tea. It forces you to interact with people on a very human level. On almost a daily basis, we had great times of sharing and devotion and worship too amongst our team. It was great spending time with God. I went to Indo to find Him, and found Him I did!
It strikes me that it is not so much of the environment we are in (tho that greatly helps) but that inner attitude and pursuit of God. Its been a week since I got back and life is starting to get busy again. But this year I really hope to spend time off and daily to be living my life like I am on a missions trip.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Revived!
Funny that the air smells of winter...
Like that very winter in 2004 when I was in Yunnan, Mizhi High School on YEP trip.
Every breath I inhale is filled with hope and a crisp freshness...
This enthusiasm in my heart.
Jadedness...Gone...
My heart is revived!
10 days away at Indonesia really did me good! :)
Even though I have a block nose now and slight flu!
More to come...on trip..
Like that very winter in 2004 when I was in Yunnan, Mizhi High School on YEP trip.
Every breath I inhale is filled with hope and a crisp freshness...
This enthusiasm in my heart.
Jadedness...Gone...
My heart is revived!
10 days away at Indonesia really did me good! :)
Even though I have a block nose now and slight flu!
More to come...on trip..
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