The Wilderness

I often wished I were smarter & more eloquent, like being able to get a scholarship, study in one of those branded US or UK university, and get a top notch job, maybe as a investment banker, or an analyst, or admin service in the civil service or...
I wish I were more assertive, then I wouldn't be bullied, I would be that confident girl who struts around knowing what she wants.
I wish I were prettier...
And many more wishes of being someone else.

This week a leadership training was held for about 140 sec 3 girls at our compound, and I did registration for them. As I interacted with them, or observed them, some of my childhood/youthful angst came up from nowhere, unexpectedly. Those fears, those longings and desires to be well liked- as a youth never quite ever being the most popular, but the quiet one with the spectacles at the corner. The only way I could get some attention for myself was when I scored good grades, and the teacher highlighted my name.
Last night, my sis wanted to borrow my RGS tie, and as I held it, a forgotten pride welled up from within. Whatever that I had felt as a sec sch girl, wearing the uniform.

And there I was, as I was marking the attendance for the girls, wondering what I am doing here? I have now nothing to speak of for my career status. If my confidence used to be in my grades, now I can no longer boast in these. What then, can I boast in?

The residues of that youthful angst and that desire for belonging remains. Though adults have a better way of masking these with better dressing, proper ettique and lots of activities. How now...?

I kind of breezed through getting my first job even before I graduated. The current job had informal interviews. And now exploring the next step, I am hit by the reality of rejection and misfits. I feel very small in my own eyes.

As Pastor Edmund would name it- its the primal wounds of the heart. Stuff that you bring from childhood into adulthood. Dear God, clear it and heal it please. <3