Would u promise to be there forever?

My family had dinner together today...it was the first time in 3 mths that we had dinner outside together cos of my mum's ankle. I am so thankful that she can walk now, though with a slight limp. Nevertheless very thankful that the dear Lord has brought our family thru this challenging period. =)

Dad frying omlette, warming my food for me, waiting on mummy as she went to the toilet....stuffs I would never have seen if mum hadn't injured her ankle. Perhaps I assumed that dad didn't care, but he sure did.

Was watching the 9pm drama serial today on marriage & couples, basically how marriage is tested after some years, with children, and life gets mundane and communication breaks down. I like the theme song...which goes something like "Would you be there to love to be with me...Would you swear that your love is always true...Would you say you willl always be one ...." blah blah...basically a romantic song asking if the other would be there through thick and thin. And really love is like that. Not just a few romantic moments of I love yous. But a cherishing of the other...to promise to hold the other thru death & sickness. A promise to accept the other even if one discovered something unpleasant abt the other.

So I told my fren that boyfriends will go away, but mothers and fathers will love u forever. And it sounds a bit weird and cynical. ;P Actually perhaps what I meant was the incomparable love that parents gave to their children, though sometimes it seems more mundane through the daily acts of service like housework or cooking or asking whether u have eaten yr food, or warming yr food for u....yet parents love their children the most. So we don't really need so many proclaimations of being there for someone forever.... maybe something simple that goes deep will do.

Aww...anyway maybe now I finally have a comprehension of Papa's love for me...which is unconditional....and wants the best for me. How He wants to bring light into the whole universe, how His love is so deep....and how the best I can do is to spread this love to those who desperately need it. In light of that, dear Lord, how shd I respond? Cos I only have one life.
If u have not seen the light, how shall I tell u how deeply He loves u?

Outta my comfort zone...except with the presence of Jesus

heh..don't really know what to put as the title...actually am feeling rather sleepy & tired, but maybe just to clear some stuffs from my system here before I go sleep...

Work has been so busy! And everyday it is a mad rush to meet someone or go for classes. =P But I guess I have sort of a breakthru in the sense that instead of letting work drag me along, I kinda now have this boundary kinda thing with my work and I insist that it shall not get into my personal time! And every sec of my work I wanna work my best for the Lord.

Some new open doors! As I pray and deliberate about it I really am clueless! Its more like a 50-50 kinda thing. I guess if there were not so many practicalities and restrictions I might go for option 2!!!!!!! Haa....I can forsee myself being HAPPPPYY. But is this where God wants me to do? Sigh I dunno leh. :/ How.

Anyway this Sunday (27th May) is the GLOBAL DAY OF PRAYER at the National Stadium. Last gathering before it gets torned down. Wah, one year has past...last year I went alone and was all sad and lonely...but managed to tag along with my snr from VCF. This year I am going with my cell group (yay!), and am lookg forward to pray with my fellow christian brothers and sisters. =P Last sunday's RAYs prayer was simply fantastic. The Holy Spirit just came and couldn't help but weep and rest in His dear presence...which I miss so very much.

Am going for another mission trip in Aug. Location is confidential! :P But Ya, it sounds quite challenging...and I feel that it will be smthing that challenges my comfort zone....how how how.... Feeling so apprehensive yet quite excited. =P

Okay I am going to sleep. =)

Reminiscence

Just came back from a nice dinner with Qifen and her bf Tony! =) Had stingray, kang kong, satay etc at the makansutra food place.

Walking ard at esplanade brought back many lovely past memories. Memories of first love. Walking down the river & holding a warm, firm hand. A lovely smile of approval, and broad shoulders to lie on.

Hmm...Makansutra place also reminded me of my good fren A, we had dinner there some time back, but hardly keep in touch nowadays. Does busyness of work really break friendship?

These days memories that I have pushed back to the back of my head pop up vividly. But I can smile at them. :) Maybe it is a sign of healing.

I'm sad they may never come back again. Yet I also smile at those memories, because they were real, and I treasure those moments.

Thank You Jesus for this past one year of breaking. It has been tough, but Yr dear love has sustained me, and protected me from falling away from You.

Had a bz but fruitful day today! Went to meet up with some of my cg mates to discuss abt cg matters. Gonna step up to take up some responsibilities. A sense of deja vu, really....
Had bible study with my 2 girls again. And again a very encouraging time...the 'mother' in me never fails to pop up! Something in my heart stirs for these 2 young girls. Reminds me a bit of V and R back in N272, heh...but a bit different. They are different...and this time the one giving bible study has also changed. Maybe a bit more broken...maybe a bit less judgemental and a bit less sure of myself....but maybe starting to understand more and more of God's grace. =)

Ha...my heart is just full of gratefulness to the Lord. Thank You God....may u continue to sustain me and show me the path ahead.

Sleep and wakefulness

I've been sick! It started with a sore throat and flu...and then a headache. Doct gave me 2 days of MC to rest. =P

Silly old me....today is day 2 of my MC, and whilst deliberating whether to go to work today, I went into a light slumber...my bio clock woke me up at 7am today... As I deliberated whether to hop out of bed to work. Throat- check, seems okay, accept for a bit of discomfort...headache seems okay....but nah, I shall sleep somemore...

And so it seems....at 9am, I felt that I was much better! Decided to go to the office for half a day's work. Moment I got out of the bus, the faint feelings returned...I was greeted with surprised looks from colleagues who said- I thought u are on MC! You look pale! What are u doing here? Go home and rest!

I don't know if it was those comments, or was it the faint feeling. Had lunch with some of my colleagues and then as I sat in front of my PC, looking thru the flood of emails, and questions addressed to me, I asked myself- Why am I doing this? What am I doing here? I've become a slave to my work!

Yeah..left my office soon after, giddiness...not able to concentrate. Sigh, I wonder why I did this to myself? My body is crying...rest rest...and here I am.....part of my mind wondering abt the deadlines. But wonder if those deadlines have any eternal consequences anyway? Just what am am I doing here. :( Few more days to 2 years at GIC.

Of marriage

One of the signs of growing up is learning to see fr yr parents' point of view. Was attending a course yesterday and the colleague sitting next to me was a proud mummy with the photo of her baby son as her handphone screensaver. Next to her was another proud daddy also with the photo of his baby daughter on the screensaver. More and more wedding invites this year! So many of my friends getting blissfully married!

On the other hand, recently in counseling classes we have been learning about singlehood, finding the right partner, conflict management in marriage and how divorce happens. It makes me feel a bit overwhelmed by the considerations of marriage. Its almost a miracle how one firstly has to find someone compatitible. Furthermore, chemistry alone may not sustain a marriage. It takes lots of commitment to continue loving each other after getting married. How they say that after marriage, the man changes and no longer cherishes the gal as much as when he was wooing her. That's quite a scary thought waking up next to a man u love, and then u realise that this person has changed. So in spite of how singles often wistfully wish to find that elusive partner, finding the partner is not an ends in itself, nor is it a guarantee that lonely nights will end. So in the end, I think it is best to consider properly before settling down, cos one might be better off singley happy than marriedly sad. Now I am starting to sound like I don't wanna get married, which isn't true. =)

The Potter at work

Hmm..it has been a very tiring week. I think I need some recharging & rest with God and with friends...
Like a clockwork...working in the day...completing my tasks...going for class at night or having dinner at home and then some TV or some reading. It sometimes feels mundane and like I'm running ard in circles.

Ofcos I know in the mundanity of things, the loving potter is moulding me. But maybe sometimes this knowledge stays in the head instead of slipping down to the heart and assurance that He has not left me and will finish the good work He has began in me.

The potter has been good at home..moulding and changing hearts. Things have become better at home. Mum can walk without the walker already..for a bit, and can go to church again this sunday. =) Well, I've learnt independence and my parents trust me more now. And yah, can see the change in their attitudes.

Now and then...the thought of the poor & hurting & lost will pop up in my mind, and I feel a lump in my throat. Sometimes I swallow it. Sometimes I exchange it for the mundanity of life....maybe if I work more then I will be numbed to this uncomfortable feeling. But it is still there. And I simply feel too weak to be able to overcome it. I feel like sometimes God is asking me, what I want to be done, and if I may boldly say, God- pls heal every hurting person, pls save every lost soul, and pls feed all the hungry. Sometimes I don't get answers. And I wonder what this mundanity means...whether its making me stick to my comfort zone. I hope everything in His time, the soft heart to hear, andthe boldness to obey.

God meant it for good

I've been feeling this joy for the past 2 days or so..its like bubbles that are bursting forth from within! =) I hope that this joy is not temporal though, and will last for a longer time, cos sometimes joy can be so elusive! So yah, I don't really hope that they are like bubbles, cos these are so fragile.

I'm so happy meeting up with frens recently. It is wonderful connecting with them, and finally starting to understand how to share my life with others! Learning to be open and transparent with my struggles as much as I can, and ofcos to be wise too, to be considerate as to what the other party can bear. But I find almost that as I begin to share, the other party also starts to open up. And I find that I can also let go of some stuffs that are stuck inside me! =) So I am thankful...

Yest night I saw dad reading chinese version of Purpose Driven Life. And I give thanks..as I reflect on the past one plus mths, filled with tears, quarrels, compromise and talking things through.It has been tough with mum's ankle, and its another mth before she can walk properly. But God has given our family so much grace to go thru this time. It reminds me of Lazarus's death- Jesus said this sickness is not unto death, but that His glory may be revealed. Ya...... May He continue to lead us from strength to strength thru His grace & mercy.

You are my dearest daughter

Tuesday started with a shakey morning again with quarrels over housework. I'm not good at conversing face to face with my mum, so ended up smsing her after I left the house instead. Told her I tried my best at home but always didn't feel good enough. Part of her response by sms:
"you are always my dearest daughter. love from mum"

Couldn't hold back my tears which flowed freely on the bus. Busy dabbing my eyes with tissue and hoping no one saw me.

But it has been stressful, and I know the root problem of my stress. I don't think I am a good enough daughter. I think I should be doing more housework. I feel upset and unappreciated and unloved.

I'm still trying to grasp what love means. And this incident taught me something...I thought that my parents love toward me is conditional? But I realise that whatever I do, my parents will always love me. The problem lies with the way they communicate their love to me, which may be interpreted as a lack of concern. Such imperfect love, yet this love is vast...and I pray that I may also be able to comprehend what God's unconditional love means for me.

Caught Good Will Hunting again..finally, which is needed for my counseling assignment. Ahh...Will Hunting suffered from such a low self esteem. As I would quote Sean (the counselor)- Will was rejected by the very people he loved when he was young, and he now pushes people away before they can leave him.

Hmm..Actually this tough exterior that people have on the outside is quite common ya..Maybe we assume that's how someone is...and that someone never bothers to share about his life..until u really know him.

We had farewell for Abe on Monday night..and had a session of singing...songs like Guan Huai Fang Shi and Sometimes when we touch in Abe's living room. Thankful in a way yes.....learning to see people in a deeper manner I hope...learning to see the nice part of mankind...learning to love.