Super mega hug from Papa

I am blessed as usual after a trip to another country, and my writings may not be able to capture what exactly has been touched lovingly in the soul.

Trip to Tanjong Balai, my second time to the prisons since Feb this year. http://journey-in-christ.blogspot.com/2007/02/visit-to-prisons.html

For one, I was blessed by the fellowship of believers, Pastor Don & Jack's family both came, wife and kids in tow. It was amazing and changed my perception of kids, seeing how sensible and well-behaved they can be, and how kids can be part of missionary work. ;) It was a joy watching TV with the two young girls and seeing them whisper and play games. The genuinity of children to say how they feel on the inside, to express their fears and their unhappiness. Many of us have those feelings, yet we find hard to express to others.

On the second way, significant to me, was being able to partner and fellowship with the brothers from New Charis, some of whom came from backgrounds of going into and out of prison multiple times, or drug taking. Didn't ask too much about the history, for in Christ, we are all new lives. Like myself, once a sinner and lost, but now redeemed.

Thirdly, being able to eat with the indonesian christians/pre-believers at the halfway house opening ceremony, to sing in Bahasa Indonesian and Hokkien (didn't understand a word) with the christians. I'm still lingering with warm feelings from the hug this morning with a few of the inmates. The latter brought tears to my eyes. It was as if the super mega hug came from above and loved us all as His children. Much more healing work to do. Will continue to pray for these dear ones that they may grow in Christ, not just experience the supernatural of being slain or crying, but they may grow and become disciples of Christ.

Where the sun rises

Come to think of it, my blog theme matches the name of the show I just watched! The name of the show is "Where the sun rises", directed by Grace Phan.
Maybe this is prophetic word for me to go to East Timor? :)

Check this show out: http://www.luxlucis.sg/

Anyway I was very blessed by the show, it is one of the most thought provoking and heart stirring shows I've ever watched. Do catch it if you have time. It will only be showing in Cathay Picture house for this saturday and sunday at 1pm and 5pm. Its a documentary movie featuring the history of East Timor and the experiences of President Gusmao. And also what lies ahead for East Timor? After its independence, the director/& Gusmao tell viewers that it is forgiveness and reconciliation whereby the country and its people can move forward.

One of the most poignant moments of the show was when President Gusmao showed us his office building. I think my house looks nicer than his office. ;) But I was deeply touched. Of a man who had been through so much for his country and people, and is not a president for the sake of power, fame or control. Oh, so unlike many of us...

I liked this part a lot. To talk about forgiveness towards someone who has killed your family. Hmm...let me see, who have I not forgiven right now, and why?

“Forgiveness, to me, means peace of mind. If we can forgive, we liberate ourselves from all bad sentiments… of revenge… of self-flagellation. If we forgive, we stop a part of our life. We say no – now I am entering a new phase of my life. If not, I live everyday the sense that I am the worst victim in the world, and we are everyday trying to understand why… and we don’t live in peace. We are always trying to be selfish – “Me…me… why not him, or them?” When we don’t forgive, we don’t free ourself from thinking only on ourselves. Forgiveness is the way to live in peace. Peace not with other people but firstly, with him- or herself.”- Xanana Gusmao

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Ahh...to see a world larger than oneself, to see beyond the mundanity of daily life, to rise above the stresses of life. To see....there is more to life. We need to put on coloured glasses to see the world thru' different eyes. :)

Going to Balai again this sunday for a one day & night trip. Looking forward to it. At the same time, apprehensive, afraid of the stirring in the heart for the ple, and wondering when God will wipe away every tear in their eye. Wondering why life doesn't seem so fair for them. And what use is my little drop of kindness there?

And then....I see it in a larger picture....and recognize once again.
Its meaningless to do it alone, and it only makes sense to do it with Jesus, that He is the one who brings light and real healing to the soul.

A day for myself :)

This week was quite a difficult week, and felt discouraged and rather tired. It was esp bad after I received the email ad blast from the organization I wanted to work with. The position was still open! Can't help but have this sour taste in me and it feels all dark and gloomy on the inside.

In spite of the dark nights of sadness and despair, I felt the loving soft whisper of the Father to calm my soul. And I am very thankful for that. :)

This song especially, lasted me and gave me strength as I was listening to Galvin's album.

SONG OF JOB
by Sebastian Ku

When clouds of darkness
Overwhelms my soul
When the strength of my heart
Fades away
When my friends have left me
All hope seem far away
When the words of comfort
Refuse to stay

There’s a song in the night
There’s a light in the dark
There’s a gentle voice that soothes my heart

For I know that my Redeemer lives
And His love for me will never end
My heart, my flesh may fade away
Yet with my eyes I’ll see my God

In the quiet corner
In the still of night
Your tender presence
Lifts me high
My sweet Companion
My Strength and Guide
My soul’s deep Anchor
In You I abide

You’re the song in the night
You’re the light in the dark
You’re the gentle voice that soothes my heart

For I know that my Redeemer lives
And His love for me will never end
My heart, my flesh may fade away
Yet with my eyes I’ll see my God

I live my life to give You praise
Everyday, every breath, every beat of my heart
This life is captured by Your grace
To worship who You are
Who You are

Whoever that is reading. I wonder if you are in clouds of darkness and you feel like no one understands. Jesus does.

I'm extremely thankful for today's rest at home. Managed to get a good sleep, read a few chapters of a book and prepare bible study. :)

A kingdom of love

It is a pleasant beautiful Monday morning! But as usual, don't feel that I have slept enough over the weekend. Bio-clock has been waking me up faithfully after 6 hours of sleep. Which makes me wonder how much sleep a person needs to sustain oneself.

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend. Cell came to my house for bbq on saturday nite. It has been some time since I hosted ple at my house, and it was kind of heart warming seeing familiar faces popping up at my house. Kind of like juxtaposing familiarity with familiarity. Some of them brought their friends too. I am starting to understand and learn about relationship building and loving others, afterall, our lives are intertwined with others, and connecting with others is what makes us human. =)

I've been reading Brian McLaren's book on "The secret message of Jesus". He talks abt bringing God's kingdom into the places we live, and much more stuff, but a lot of it takes time to digest as he comes from a quite different kind of view. But anyway I think it relates v much to the way we interact with people as well. Loving them and living like Jesus, bringing the Kingdom way of doing things into our lives.

Yesterday I went for ktv with my china trippers. ;) It was a good relaxing time singing and eating. And I miss china. I didnt share much but some of the things we did that I've been sharing with Singaporeans, who kind of cringe at the idea:
- We didn't bathe for 6 days
- The toilets didn't have flushes but consisted of two planks or a hole. Sometimes we went to the bushes.

Haha. And those two pts above are enough to scare singaporeans away, and they look at you like you have suffered! Those experiences are ofcos not exactly comfortable, but contrary to what ple think, i don't think we have sacrificed much. Its just another way of living. We are at a new place with a culture different from us. Trust me, the toilet didn't stink cos they had some hay below to neutralise the smell. The one I went to 4 years back at a rural school toilet was worse, smelt like nitrogen flowing into yr nose. ;) C shared a good pt, she said to the jews be like the jews, to the greeks like the greeks.

I've been bz bz bz like a bee. What's new! But praying for more grace this week. Other then work (multiple list of foreign tasks filling up an A4 page), I've to also come up with publicity for the comm service proj. Also relationships! Some frens who r going thru tough times, hope to call them up and talk. So yup, full time christian everywhere we go.

A touch of heaven

Whoa one week passed by in a while, and I haven't been blogging here! I think I am having a writers' block. ;) Nothing much to update except I managed to have dinner for 4 days in a row at home! And then I finished reading A sense of God and a feeling of heaven by Robert Kee- A singaporean who founded Operation Hope Foundation. There are nuggets of truth inside which I really appreciated. Like these:

"Friends have to have a bond that is based on an exclusive common interest in which the more uncommon the interest, the greater the bond that binds them... What kind of 'secret' can be so strong that it binds Christians together? For me, the secret I found is the belief that we should love our neighbours as ourselves. It is obedience to the second greatest commandment given by Jesus. It is a call to love the poor."

"Spiritual experiences of joy, peace and feeling the presence of God were never felt despite weak attempts at meditation and waking up in the middle of the night to pray kneeling beside my bed until pain from my knees terminate that feeble attempt after a few minutes...after years of searching, in a dilapidated attap house on stilts in Cambodia, I experienced the presence of God."

"Over the years, I see that our lives have changed little. We were still engrossed with our health, family, career or businesses. The mothers continue to fuss over children, complaining about their children who have grown to become rebellious teenagers. The food was good, the fellowship warm, but deep inside, the still small voice asked: Is this it? Is this all there is to following Christ?"

A touch of heaven. How He lives amongst the poor, and we see God in those places.

I realise that the fear of suffering may not be as great as the fear of aloneness. Of being in a place where you can't find a kindred spirit to share your soul with. How shall the heart survive? Maybe with touches of heaven. ;)

Spoke to my boss during the week, and we decided to go on a local community service proj instead. So this year, we will be cleaning one room flats. ;) I think it is good exposure, to see the hidden parts of Singapore and redeem the forgotten.

Finally, a moment of quietness

I haven't been sharing that much about the things that have been happening, I guess it is because I have been quite busy, and other then that, maybe I don't really know how to express how I feel. Just letting those emotions settle down a bit.

Thank you my dear blog readers for sharing in my journey. heh. ;o

Yup, as most of you already know, I rejected a job offer which was everything that I wanted, a job to travel and interact with the poor, to teach kids in Singapore about poverty. It was from a humanitarian organization which I look up to and hope to learn from. I had spoken to my bosses and was all set to leave. (that is why I can be so explicit in this blog) Yet, my parents were so upset with me that dad wanted to chase me out of the house. It broke my heart since I love my parents and I want them to share this conviction, and to know God's heart as well. I don't want to stumble them when they are not ready for change. And yup, God's calling should bring peace, I wasn't at peace but very troubled. So I had to reject my dream job, and it was very tough, I feel very broken.

On and off, a question pops up in my mind, what if...I had...
And I know it gets me nowhere, I shouldn't even go by that route. Yup, I am wondering where next right now. Hoping to plan the next trip for my co. to cambodia with Operations Hope Foundation . Other then that I think instead of doing many activities, I should spend time being at rest with God, which I think is the whole purpose of this situation! :)

Today I sat into a course with the associates on hedge funds and the different strategies like arbitrage, long short, global macro etc etc. I've been thinking these days about how the Lord can use me, and what else I have that is different from others. I didn't understand a lot of what was taught, cos I don't think my strength is in finance, but yet He has brought me through uni majoring in finance. And blessed me with a good pay, with understanding bosses who believe in me and try to accomodate to my interests. So I am really praying and seeking how I can fulfill His calling where I am now, how I can contribute to the mkt place ministry. And how I can also share my experiences on those overseas trips with my colleagues. And yup, where I shd give my finances too.

Interestingly, Pastor David talked abt Daniel during service this week, how Daniel was forced to stay in the palace, yet he always remembered his calling. I am not so sure we are in the same situation, tho I do feel quite "forced" to be here. But I remember Joseph didn't have a nice ride either, and the Lord had to teach him lotsa things through the journey. I know my calling to the marginalized and broken hearted, confirmed through this series of events, and I pray that while I am here, I may serve His calling in whichever capacity He has placed me in. =)

And so the moods swing up and down again. Argghs. One moment full of hope & dreams & positivity, the other moment wondering when and where. And wishing and hoping. Perhaps. Ya. And even of someone to accompany me on this journey. But I know that the Lord is good. He really really is so good.

New things are happening at cell too. But its a bit tiring to travel to bukit timah every week now. I reached home at 1145pm yesterday by bus and I am so so so so tired! Really sleepy. Havent been sleeping that well these few days. And since I got back fr my trip, work has been bz. So not much time for a break. But this thur-sat is IDMC ! Looking forward to a time with God.

Everyone needs a friend to hold

This week was much more cheery than I thought it would be. =) Feel like I'm running on supernatural fuel from above. Colleagues gave me Corrinne May's Beautiful Seed CD to me for birthday, and listening to the album has been so therapeutic.

This song, On the Side of Me, esp spoke to me. This is especially dedicated to my dear and wonderful friends who were praying for me and stuck with me through my darkest valley. And most of all, dedicated to my dear Lord Jesus Christ who chose to love me in spite of my fears and inadequacies, and always believes in me. Thank You Lord for never giving up on me.

On the Side of Me” - Corrinne May

I’m not the easiest person to love
I’m often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I’m not too proud of some things
I’ve done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I’m not the easiest person to love
But you, you’ve opened your heart to show me what I’m worth

‘Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you…

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

Dying to that dream

Dying to that dream means that God will resurrect it again one day in His own timing. Gosh, this feels painful, almost like a breakup. I don't know what to do now after planning so long for this thing. Its like a little girl waiting for the doll to come, anticipating for a long long time, and she realises it is not coming in the meantime. And then daddy comes and picks her up and hugs her, and she learns that all along what she wanted was her daddy. In what forms will the doll come later?

Dear God, I surrender this dream to You. I know You have Your plans and purposes, in Your own timing You will resurrect this dream again. Grant me the peace that comes with this understanding. Grant me an inward change, to focus on being rather than doing. I pray I have not missed the ship that You have provided for me. For You see my heart, You alone know what is inside my heart, to please You only and to bring glory to You in all I do.

Thank you Lord, In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Loving restoration

Heh. Bday came and went, and felt esp loved this year with loads of smses and phonecalls. Thank you. :) I am blessed. Dinner with family was good, smiles across the table, and dad saving the sashimi for me. Unspoken words of love. Mum in good cheers chatting with me. As I also managed to show her the verses God had showed me.

Isaiah 49: 8-11 8 This is what the Lord says: "In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances, 9 to say to the captives, 'Come out,' and to those in darkness, 'Be free!' "They will feed beside the roads and find pasture on every barren hill. 10 They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water. 11 I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up.

They love me too much, and don't want me to suffer. As all parents love their children. And I am thankful. Glimpses of His loving grace. Esp as I saw mum preparing bible study for the whole morning. I know He will work in their hearts in His own way. Don't know when. Don't know how. But I know He is faithful and His timing is always right.

Dinner today with 2 other dear frens again to celebrate bday. heh. Received some nice gifts. Enjoyed sitting by the river at clark quay again. As I narrated some experiences on my trip, realised I haven't been sharing much yet! And these experiences are really faith builders. Hope definitely to have the opportunities again and again to visit developing ctries, to see the work of God in ple's hearts, and most of all in my own heart. Pray for oppty to share with my dear friends, hopefully to edify and to speak of God's love.

In the midst of uncertainty, this definitely feels like a new episode in my life. As I get in touched once again with lost friends, and the passion for youths is rekindled. My faith in God is strengthened. Thru the trip, I have received answers to questions I've been asking Him for a long time. And ya...it seems like healing has taken place. And yes...time to step up, to serve and share once again.

The song in my heart

One of the mornings, as I opened my eyes to a new day, I suddenly had the feeling that I was transported back to the days when I was only 18 years old in JC. In between 18-25, lots of events have happened. Some of the more significant ones in my spiritual walk, experiencing leadership, setbacks, relationship breakup. One on top of another, and so slowly without knowing, the passion & faith present in an 18 year old got neutralized. Yet this year, God has been so good to let me experience healing and assurance of His love. One event after another, through breakthrough weekend, and then the recent trip has been so good.

Making of a major decision for the past 3 weeks has taken quite a toll on me. Has been some time since I teared so much, the last I remember was breakup time. This time it has to do with relationships with parents versus my passion. And how dear they both are to me. Yet surrender & satisfaction, I believe these 2 words are what He is trying to teach me. Learning to surrender to God in the valley of indecision, surrender my parents, surrender my passion. The latter brought tears to my eyes, as Aunty M confirmed my calling for the marginalized, and I hear the still small voice of the Spirit, His callings and gifts are irrevokable. So yes, learning to stand up afresh, once again. And wow, meeting people nowadays is never the same. Seeing the potential in them, and being able to love with a satisfied heart. A heart that has been so satuarated by His love and neverending patience. And so comes the next word, satisfaction, learning to be satisfied in Him, in all that He has blessed me with. =)

Had a early bday dinner yesterday with some frens, and a fren played and dedicated a song to me! On seasons in life. Rather touched and happy. ;) Then there was a surprise cake fr HY, and we ate at the river next to the esplanade (wow), with the lovely breeze and the waves and the song in my heart. It dispelled all the fears and heartaches for the day.

Smses, calls from friends has been wonderful. Lunch with boss was a highlight. Talking to concerned boss who was on MC was another highlight. My heart warms with love. =)
Thank you Father, the chief satisfier and provider of all good things. Show me the way ahead.