Identity

Its sunday night again. :) Good to know that tmr I don't have to work!

Not very sure what to blog about, am struggling through some times of letting go of something that is precious again, and cos my fren reminded me of a post I had written 2 years ago, I went back and re-read it. The emotions then were very real, and I remembered I was crying as I was typing. Time doesn't heal, but grace and God coupled with time does.

Grateful for today, being able to pray a closure prayer, tho with much pain in the heart. I know I can so-called bounce back again hiding behind the cheery smile. But this time I really want to work through the pain, because God cares for my emotions a lot.

Silly old me got the time wrong for our meeting today, and so did another DGL. So I was chatting with him for about 1 hr plus as we waited for the meeting. In a way it was a very edifying time for me, cos he was asking me a lot of questions about my mission trips, my job, and the people I had been counseling. He is a few years younger than me and a very good listener. So as I was talking, I felt on the inside, wah, what a journey God has brought me through. And I was surprised by my own life, in a way encouraged to look beyond the problems and to remind myself of God's faithfulness and the uniqueness of my identity.

I think God reminded me of my identity while we had devotion at work on Thursday. As we quietened down and prayed, He showed me the smiling face of my JC fren. And somehow the memories of who I was flooded back. Since I don't know my colleagues that well at work yet, I am quite quiet at work. Whereas in GIC, I can be rather noisy cos I am close to the colleagues, and I think they appreciate my jokes. ;p And then there is this idealistic side of me, a lot of visions & dreams on the inside. And the reflective side that thinks too much. So I've been trying to repress who I really am, because I am adjusting to a new environment. But yup, I think I shd just be myself and be happy for who I am.

I often take a long time to warm up with people. Maybe more so face-to-face. Cos when I was younger, I think my opinion was sometimes shouted down at. So I have a lack of confidence in voicing my views. It is only when I know I am in a safe environment, that I share openly how I feel on the inside. That's why blogging, emailing and msning is so much easier for me to share. Even in church and in previous work place, I think I took more than 6 mths to a year before I finally can show my true self to them. But then again, I don't show all I am because some thoughts on the inside I feel are quite radical and diff from social norms. So when I finally meet someone who understands, it is really like finding a pearl and I just open up cos I know I am in a safe environment.

However, actually I think I am just a very simple person in a way to know. Or u can say I am pretty boring. ;( Just a cuppa tea (camomile pls), a book, a blog, a fren. Or the beach. Or the stars. Or a hug. Makes me happy. There's nothing much more I desire I think...

Today Pastor Kay Kiong shared this quote "happiness is not happiness unless it is shared". Truly, thats how I feel. I long for a community whereby I can share. And if not share, actually sitting under the stars with the same unspoken heartbeat and vision is enough. I am a true romantic at heart. :)

So anyway, I'm feeling more cheerful now, having typed until here. =) Thankful that my xiao mei smsed me and asked me out tmr cos she wanted to talk abt stuffs. And I was like aha! Yay, someone whom I can talk to. But still. The silence is quite deafening sometimes.