It bleeds! It hurts!

I was put on local anesthesia before I extracted my wisdom teeth. One on my right bottom was horizontal and embedded in my gums. The injection hurt, and my bottom chin and lips became swollen after abt 30 min. But when Dr. Tan began the operation, I could not feel any pain, even though there were loud grinding noises and pressure on my gums. My eyes were covered to prevent water from splashing in and protect me from the light glare. But the unknown made me scared. Trust & Faith in Dr. Tan and in the anesthesia injection..did I trust the local anesthesia? Logically, there should be pain. I was scared that there would be sudden jutting pain bcos the injection wasn't done properly.

Why did God create pain? It reminded me of Philip Yancey's book "Where is God when it hurts?". In the book, he says that pain helps us to know that there is something we need to fix, and prevents us from getting hurt. E.g. leprosy patients lose feelings in their limps, and they scratch themselves, cut themselves etc, but it doesn't hurt. Pain is a good indication from God that we are hurting.

Dr. Tan was stitching the wound, and he said, we are now at the last stage of the op. You have been very brave, you hardly made a noise, are you okay? Are you used to having operations?

Well actually no, I have never been hospitalized, and this is my second operation since few years ago extracting my first ever wisdom tooth.

I took the MRT home after the op. I felt no pain in my mouth, except for numbness and a swollen chin. When I got home, there was a lot of blood but no pain! Again brings home the pt of pain...

Sometimes I think, we are numbed to pain, but physical symptoms like bleeding show us that we are hurting and we are in need of medical care. What abt for emotional issues that hurt us? Do we wait until physical symptoms appear that we know we are in need of care? These are more tricky...isn't it? Do I have a big threshold for pain?

Family and Friends :)

I extracted my wisdom TEETH today, plucked 3 of them! :D one was like intensive grinding..

Mum cooked lovely porridge. I love my parents fussing over me. I am so blessed.

I am also deeply grateful for the good friends He has placed in my life. Emails, MSN, smses...prayers, sharings. Thank you my dears, for being with me. \XOXOXO/

I wish I have a special someone to share my life with. But He has provided me with the most wonderful angels (also known as family and friends). I am blessed.

Thankful for some MC after wisdom tooth extraction. :)

What keeps that fire buring?

I haven't been blogging for a while since I got back from Cambodia... And April has some upcoming meetings...looks like I may be flying up again! I enjoy the "action" though, which pretty much keeps me energised.

Thinking abt life...and what I want with it. It has been a pretty confusing journey, weighing the pros and cons of different options. Sigh. Being a person who likes to plan ahead, and is more interested in the outcomes/goals than in the process, it has been so hard taking the uncertainty. I still have not arrived at any conclusion yet. Direction in life is so confusing! :S

Today I went to The New Charis Missions, they have a new place near YCK/Jalan Kayu. It was nice. A big nice quaint bangalow that houses abt 50+ of ex-offenders/drug abusers in transition. I was updated that they currently also go to schs to run programmes with at risk youths. So so so encouraged to hear that. What better people to share perspectives with these youths then these band of brothers who are currently leading such changed and inspiring lives? Don shared with me that it is tiring to run all these programmes, but it is that calling that fuels him, and he is happy. :) It is a happy happy atmosphere in that place.

With that ofcos....makes me think abt that little spark of fire in me, and what ignites that spark. It must not just be a spark that is ignited by excitement. It must be a burning fire that continues to burn after that spark of inspiration dies and monotony sneaks in.

Pastor Kai talked abt Eric Liddell in his sermon on Sun. This is a guy who eventually went to China to be a missionary, but before that, he won olympic medals for running. His sis couldn't understand why he was an atheletic since he had a missions calling. Eric Liddell says - "I run for the glory of God". Earlier I had blogged before this quote by him, "When I run, I feel His pleasure."
Even the most godly things we do, if not for God's glory, is nothing.
Even the most mundane thing we do, if for God's glory, means something - that yieldedness of all our activities and our whole life unto Him.
Maybe sometimes for seasons, we have to step back, away from what are the most "godly" tasks, and it seems like a roundabout way away from our calling. But...we need to figure out why we want to step back or should we persevere on?

Its such a puzzle differentiating betw all these!

The cacophony of Time

I was taken ill the day I got back from Cambodia.
I flew off to Cambodia on a Sunday, and got back on a Friday night. Saturday morning, I had to be my friend's bridesmaid, so I reached her house at 645am. In the morning, I felt a bit of discomfort with some diarrhea. As the day progressed towards the afternoon, it seemed to get worse and I felt dizzy, tired and hungry. Thought it was just because I didn't eat breakfast cos of the early morning. Wedding lunch i didn't have much appetite and the dress was so tight! Grrr.... By the time I got home at 5ish pm I was zonked out. Diarrhea everytime I ate or drank and fever!
Saw doc two times, and today is my last day of MC. :D Thankful I'm feeling much better now. Thankful for all the friends who prayed for me.

Time seems to stop when you are sick. Work has to be put aside, appointments fixed have to be cancelled or rescheduled, housework has to wait. TIME- U are my slave, u have to wait.
Funny how time has become our master isn't it. I always find I have no time for anything. And staying at home, mostly bedridden because you are dizzy makes you really stay at home!!! I really don't like staying on my bed, and I was upset cos I have 101 things to do you know! Like replying emails, typing reports, reading bible, reading the news, washing the clothes, packing etc etc. I found I couldn't move too much and it was frustrating.

Maybe it was a time for time to stop. A time to say no and be still. Which is absolutely difficult. Using the internet now is not staying still! Too used to moving at breakneck speed that I can't take staying still. But still.....

Trip to Cambodia was good. Cos I saw some of the work, and some of the youths who were discipled. Felt that the ground was soft and doors opened with the many prayers. But still a country in need of much hope after the terrible past that it has gone through. The key probably lies in the new generation who are filled with new hope and a new eagerness to learn. :)

At one point on my trip, I suddenly couldn't remember I was in Indonesia, Cambodia or Philippines? I went to Indonesia about 7 times for the past 2 years, and Philippines 2 times within last 5 years. And this is my 2nd trip to Cambodia. Not that I'm trying to count the times to redeem some trophy. But what would these trips cumulate to? I am thinking it may end up in a book....but then again some of these things I saw can't be expressed into a book. The darkness, poverty, destitute, those eyes of the little children, children without clothes, the pain BUT also that simplicity, the joy, the love.... That's why maybe I couldn't remember where I was. Sometimes it really hurts to think too much abt the pain and the needs in these places that I have been to. Its a miserable burden...esp on the days when you are sick. :S
But life goes on.....with the tyranny of time. Maybe we aren't so busy afterall? I don't know how...but we each can only help build that part of the rainbow. And the thing is...how do we stop working at breakneck speed when the world is dying? haa....its really difficult ques to ans.

Felt I needed to rest in His Love even as I was sick. Even when I was feeling miserable bedridden...He was there, is there, in every waking or sleeping moment. And I cling on to His love desperately. And pray His sovereign Kindness over everything that happens on Earth.

When I am awake, I am still with You...

Grateful for the long CNY break, starting with a halfday on Friday, all the way to Tuesday. 4.5 days of break! Yeah! Managed to catch 2 movies - one with my mum until 2am, about a not-so-pretty lady who went for a full cosmetic surgery & slimming operation, and became like a babe. Anyway, there was a lot of pain & esteem issues abt not looking pretty, in the way that every girl wants to look beautiful. Beauty is only skin deep, but people judge you by your appearences. One of the most lovely thing was I woke up with Ps 139 on Monday.
I liked this: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

But the verse that I woke up with was this:
Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

...

When I awake,

I am still with you.

What I really liked abt CNY hols was I got to spend a lot of time with my family. I spent the whole of Monday at home as some people came for visitation. Other than church, the rest of Sunday was also spent with family on visitation. And this year, it seems that my eyes have become more opened, in that I don't just see my uncle and aunties as just relatives..I see that they are people with their sets of struggles and pains and joys. I think it really helps working in an organization whereby your have colleagues and partners who are in their 40s and 50s.

Slept quite a bit...but the wrinkes and dark eyerings under my eyes dont seem to be fading away...if anything, they seem to be increasing in creases. WHY! Sobs... Eyecreams dont seem to work.

Yup..back to work!

He is faithful

This morning my colleague passed me a note of encouragement, abt seeing joy on my face for the past 2 weeks, and quoting verse in Isaiah that says we will go forth with joy. Thankful...she said she was encouraged by me too, seeing that one does not need to be dragged down and bitter due to one's environment. :) I'm so happy.
Breakthrough2, we had an open and authentic meeting with a partner we have been working with to organize school trips. It has been stressful cos we do not have the capacity to host too many teams in Cambodia. But it was good we could share about what we knew about the ground and how we could better work together to meet needs on the ground. She even said she would help us work on a English syllabus for our children in Cambodia that teams could use when they go.
Third breakthrough, we have been rallying teams to go to Indonesia, and in June we are having 3 GB teams going to Jogjakarta and Malang. Its the first time any GB girls team is going!
Fourth, finally approval has been granted for us to send money to build a training centre and accomodation in Sumatra.

I think that God is so faithful, and He is kind because he allowed me to see some fruits. But more so than that, it has taught me to wait, He has His own timing and seasons for different things. :D I struggle a lot within letting go, but this morning my colleague's note really encouraged me to trust God in different seasons of our lives. Learning to live each day at a time, each day is an adventure of seeing how things unfold and fit into His sovereign plan.

You Are So Faithful
Lenny Leblanc
Like the sun that rises everyday
You are so faithful, Lord, You are faithful
Like the rain that You send
And every breath that I breathe
You are so faithful, Lord

Like a rose that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, Lord, You are so faithful
Like the life that You give to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful, Lord

I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away
And in the midst of the storm
Through the wind and the waves
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful, Lord

thoughts thoughts thoughts..

I really havent been blogging for a long long while!
I'm doing fine...been engaged in a couple of interesting and new opportunities. :) I'm happy... Mentally and emotionally engaged...
I've been journaling more often than blogging!

A couple of thoughts:

1. Reflecting on different situations I experience in life, I realise that there's no right or wrong person, we are each the best of ourselves. What do I mean? In terms of relationships, job fits etc, we each come with different qualities and skill sets that makes us attractive to each other or to the task at hand. Hence if I don't get a job, or I don't end up with someone, I'm still the best of who I am. I'm not less than someone else, rather I am special and unique.

2. I'm blessed to see the fruits of my labour in the office, as projects are starting to take form, and schools are starting to get excited about Indonesia! :D I'm so thankful that God allowed this to take place. Relationships with people has also improved tremendously. Indeed, labour takes time to bear fruit. Don't give up if you are in a hard place.

Nothing else much to say...for now. :D Shall elaborate more abt new opptys when they become more firmed up!
Happy that CNY hols are coming up!

Life Lessons

About a month ago, I went to have a haircut, and I removed my earrings, wrapped them in a tissue and put into my bag. When I came home, I couldn't find the earrings in my bag and I thought I had thrown the tissue away accidentally! I was so sad because my mum bought me those earrings, and they were my new favourite pair.

Last week, I was taking a pouch from my bag, and as I fished it out, one side of the earring was hanging on the pouch. I dug in the bag and found the other side! This is a different bag from the one I brought for the haircut, and I don't know why the earrings ended up there. But it is sure makes a good philosophical lesson on "losing" something, waiting and finding it back again.
----

Went to the gym yesterday, and the Personal Trainer said- you have very high endurance level, but little strength. But it's ok, he said, with the endurance, you would be able to improve your strength in a matter of time. I feel that this is a statement that is true about my work. I think I have a high endurance level. But in terms of "strength", i.e. expertise, knowledge with regards to many things, I feel inadequate all the time. Who u see yourself as, probably determines the threshold/limit of who u can be. Actually..Who your God is determines the threshold/limit of who He can make you to be.

Things that have deeply possessed my soul

Sometimes..
Its not easy to figure out the desires of my heart. Except those sudden moments that trigger that gripe in my heart, and I seem to come closer to the me on the inside. Oh, those sudden moments that touch my heart.
C.S. Lewis describes this better.
All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...

I hope to become closer to me, i.e. who I was created to be.

And life is filled with decisions, delimmas. heh...after all the layers are pealed off, I hope I can be honest with myself and my desires and who He has created me to be. So that I may have the courage to opt for that path.

Adventure!

It was a great trip!

Experienced floods, which was a little scary when it started to rain and it was night time. We couldn't see what we were walking on cos it was dark, and we had to tread though the waters. But the kiddos in the village bathed and raced in their sampans on the approx 1 mtr deep waters around their house. Such resilience and simple enjoyment, and of turning a natural disaster into something fun! I enjoyed being in the village cos of that adventurous streak in me - maybe cos I missed that rebellious teenager phase, and I'm experiencing it post teenager! Enjoyed the experience of being with different culture, different types of housing and living, certainly opens up my mind to many things!

Thank God for His protection in such different situations! And that we didn't get food poisoning even though we ate with our hands for most times, like the locals, and tried different types of food and drinks.

One thing that struck me is how our partners live amongst the villagers! One particular team travels a few hrs every week to this remote village! Its amazing. Reminds me of how I felt at Philippines, that God would travel to the most remote of places in the villages to reach out to His people. And also, its the whole concept of how you need to live amongst the people and be with them. Like Jesus staying and living amongst men. I think this makes good community development model too! Not just some high level sit at the office kind of planning.

I wished the trip would not end. But honestly I did miss my comfy bed and my bathroom and my family. I don't think I can take staying in the village for a long while, and a few days is really novelty. Plus you don't get to bathe in the village! Unless you want to use well water or bathe in the river. It reminds me that locals are best at reaching locals. And what is the unique pt we singaporeans have? I guess we have resources, materials, techniques that we could train the locals in and empower them.

Whats great though abt going to a developing country and spending time there? Its a great big detox from busy Singapore. At one particular village, there was no TV, and at night time, we all sat around to chat and drink tea. It forces you to interact with people on a very human level. On almost a daily basis, we had great times of sharing and devotion and worship too amongst our team. It was great spending time with God. I went to Indo to find Him, and found Him I did!

It strikes me that it is not so much of the environment we are in (tho that greatly helps) but that inner attitude and pursuit of God. Its been a week since I got back and life is starting to get busy again. But this year I really hope to spend time off and daily to be living my life like I am on a missions trip.