Broken alabaster jar

I've been feeling rather angsty about my future and calling in life recently, but today, its really a breakthrough after a long conversation with a volunteer. I talked about how stuck I felt, and she brought new perspectives to me. It was good. =)

I've lost myself cos I don't remember why/how I came to the decision to work here. Cos I'm so tired. But thinking about it for the past few days, I remembered again why I wanted to work in a NGO.

I wanted to explore missions. Long term missions overseas. I have a heart for the poor and the marginalized. I wanna do social enterprise to help the poor in a sustainable way. I want to bring healing to the broken hearted. But I don't have guts to be based overseas, cos I need to explore that calling by serving in a position based in Singapore first.

Heh now that I remember myself, I wonder if the past 1.5 years have helped me to acheive what I wanted to do?

One thing is a job based in Singapore doesn't let me go to the ground as often as I would like. And if I go, I deal with more macro level stuff like meeting partners.

I'm thinking how do I get from point A to point B. As of now...point B is pretty blurry, pretty unsure abt where I am heading.

But as long as I keep moving....and trusting...and actually resting in God. I think He will not just reveal point B, but each day is that process of moulding me on the inside. So that I would become stronger, more courageous, more loving, more thankful, more joyful....like a broken alabaster Jar, that comes forth from it fragrance.

------------------
Thinking...
What skills/expertise can I offer to people overseas? I need to build myself up now. I thought of doing more mentoring of youths, more nurturing for new believers, more leading of worship, more preaching and sharing.
But its kind of weird, to think that serving in SG is a means of moulding me for the future. And sometimes I wonder if wanting to go overseas is afterall an escape of reality here. That kind of adventurous and forsaking all kind of life. And actually there's oppty for me to be based in Cambodia office for example. And a one year time off away from SG sounds like a kinda nice thing to do. =)
But ya, I still have difficulty letting go of this sense of needing control over the outcomes of situation, and wanting to know wats ahead of me.
Actually....I am really looking forward to my new cell group. And hoping to also mentor some youths in my church! As in doing these things for its own sake, and not as a means to prepare me to go overseas.
Maybe..its counter intuitive that serving actively would bring abt rest. Maybe, rest is really...as what I learnt, not slowing down, but centering down on one's purpose/priorities/direction.

And as the year winds down, today as I walked home fr the MRT, my mind settled down to clarity. Thinking abt the whole journey and experience from leading a youth cg, to giving bible studies to diff ones, to mentoring Fel, to leading a peer DG, and now the administrative experience of sending teams. That wealth of experience, I believe....is a testimony of God's hand never letting go of me. I'm thankful. Very very thankful for this moment of peace.