Loving means being vulnerable

If you know it is going to hurt, would you still love?

If you know it means being vulnerable, would you still love?

 

Our prodigal (lavishly abundant) God did.

 

These days, the quote by C.S. Lewis keeps popping up in my mind:

 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

 

Often we ask people to guard their hearts, but how do you guard your heart when it comes to loving?
Whether it is loving someone, loving a ministry, loving people you minister to etc. To love, brings you to a place of vulnerability. A possibility of being hurt & disappointed, as you open up your heart to someone and something. Maybe, loving with such abundance, is how our Father loved too? On the cross...whereby Jesus was in a position of vulnerability, because God loved the world so much that He gave His only son.

 

How then do we love? I think we can only do it with the Father's help.

The Simple Joys of Being

When I told my co-worker who is based in Cambodia that I had a heart for China, she said- u must have heard the wrong "C", the correct "C" should be Cambodia!

I didn't realise that working in GB or traveling to developing countries has given me such a low expectation of hotels and food. HY kept telling me her verse for me was "godliness with contentment is great gain". It really hadn't occurred to me how adaptable I had become in staying in low costs hotels and I have adapted to just having a roof over my head. (Though I haven't been to something really bad...like staying inside a slum house or...). I still like and enjoy the good life of course, and am experiencing in my comfortable home in Singapore daily.

The hotels in my recent China trip were of much more higher standard than I expected! There were hairdryers, toiletries, and they were clean. One even had rain showers.

The mountains reminded me of the Chengdu trip to the outskirts 2 years ago. The view was amazing. Maybe after running around so much, God just wanted me to be still and take stock of all He had brought me through. Huangshan appears to be a little more rocky, whereas Chengdu mountains were green.




I went to Shanghai and I am amazed by the tremendous development of the city. The skyscrappers, the long bridge, the night scene by the bund with golden litted buildings along it.



Its like nice beautiful scenes that we have along esplanade, and in a way more beautiful. It gives my heart a nice uplifting feeling. But these didn't cut through my heart.. Not like the mountains, the lakes, the rivers.

And as I reflect, why and when did China start meaning something to me? I think it was when I went to Yunnan for YEP. Then Sichuan. The mountains came together as a package with the kids with ruddy cheeks, sitting in cosy small huts/houses along fireplaces. The simple joy of Being.



And yes it was the same in Padang sitting in the house in a village, whereby blackout suddenly occured, and we were sitting in the living room drinking tea and chatting because there never was any TV there.

It was the same drinking Avocado juice in small cafes in Indonesia, that quaintness. And yes maybe some of that was found in Cambodia too, in those small cafes.
And how about the hawker centre at Penang. Penang Laksa and curry mee..and chats with loving people.

We went to the Shanghai expo, and I just couldn't "feel" it in Singapore booth, it was a nice architecture, but it felt cold, with a video showcasing how SG had moved from third world to first world.
Next to Indo booth and I felt the culture and diversity the land had. Next to Cambodia booth, though there was nothing much, sitting there sipping mango juice and laughing loudly was... Heavenly.



So since when did I develop a love for Cambodia and Indonesia I wonder?
And then I realise maybe it was never really about China.
It has all along been that simple joy of being that captured my heart.

A review

It became all apparent, as I was making my way home, on a very quiet night, that God had been so faithful in these 2 years. And my heart gives thanks for the sights and the smells that my senses had taken in.
I had been caught up for the past few mths to stay or go, so that I wasn't freed up to give thanks. There is so much to review, so much work that has been accomplished. And He was in it all.
It was fraught with its fair share of sorrows, after which the rainbow always came again.
I'm trotting into new happy land. I think I'm ready. Father help.

Our destination

If we do not see each day as a process leading towards a destination, but we see each day as a destination in itself, then we would not be so concerned about how to get to our destination. Rather, we would be concerned about enjoying each day. Each day we are alive is a gift from God. And our ultimate destination is not about where we go, but about who we become.

Whose Child is this?

In "The Hole in the Gospel", Richard Stearns says that we see children in the developing countries as other people's children. For example, if you read about a child who is starving in Africa, it would seem far remote from you. But if one day you come home, and you find a child sitting outside your door, and he is starving to death, you would immediately bring food out to save this child.

Whose child is this? The question is asked.

Until we can identify with these children, and these children become personal to us, they would always be other people's children.

But they are Daddy God's children, each of them precious to Him, and He sees each as His own.

 

So my question again, Whose child is this?

 

When you can answer this question...your heart breaks with Father God...

Pour out Your love into our hearts

"and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Rom 5:5 (ESV)

 

If we are not able to sell all our possessions and follow Him, it would be because we do not understand the depth of His love for us.

 

You and I were created for freedom.


Freedom is in our heart.


Nobody likes to be constricted.

Fear constrains us. But when the Spirit comes, He sets us free. By which we call the Father, Abba Father. And we understand that we are His children. We receive His inheritance. And we dwell in safe places where we are free to be who He created us to be.

While we are here in this world, we don't feel at home. But Jesus brings us to a resting place even now. The state of being rested in the Father and communing with Him on a daily basis.

I love to travel. The adventurous spirit in me likes to explore, to meet people of different nationalities. To see different sights, smell different places. =D

And when the fear in the heart is removed...I run...on Green fields of His. =)

Penang was great. Met with people from different nations. Many missionaries! They helped me to expand my horizons beyond this tiny but lovely island Singapore. I miss the warm and friendly hugs and affection... We were created for love!

One day we will see each other......

No wonder God told Elijah he was not alone. His tiny puny mind could only see where he stood. But all over the world, people with Kingdom mind are present. How lovely, how wonderful to have a big family & community!

The Wilderness

I often wished I were smarter & more eloquent, like being able to get a scholarship, study in one of those branded US or UK university, and get a top notch job, maybe as a investment banker, or an analyst, or admin service in the civil service or...
I wish I were more assertive, then I wouldn't be bullied, I would be that confident girl who struts around knowing what she wants.
I wish I were prettier...
And many more wishes of being someone else.

This week a leadership training was held for about 140 sec 3 girls at our compound, and I did registration for them. As I interacted with them, or observed them, some of my childhood/youthful angst came up from nowhere, unexpectedly. Those fears, those longings and desires to be well liked- as a youth never quite ever being the most popular, but the quiet one with the spectacles at the corner. The only way I could get some attention for myself was when I scored good grades, and the teacher highlighted my name.
Last night, my sis wanted to borrow my RGS tie, and as I held it, a forgotten pride welled up from within. Whatever that I had felt as a sec sch girl, wearing the uniform.

And there I was, as I was marking the attendance for the girls, wondering what I am doing here? I have now nothing to speak of for my career status. If my confidence used to be in my grades, now I can no longer boast in these. What then, can I boast in?

The residues of that youthful angst and that desire for belonging remains. Though adults have a better way of masking these with better dressing, proper ettique and lots of activities. How now...?

I kind of breezed through getting my first job even before I graduated. The current job had informal interviews. And now exploring the next step, I am hit by the reality of rejection and misfits. I feel very small in my own eyes.

As Pastor Edmund would name it- its the primal wounds of the heart. Stuff that you bring from childhood into adulthood. Dear God, clear it and heal it please. <3

Weddings and HDB Flats!

These 2 years there seems to be an accelerated no. of wedding invitations! I just went for one on Saturday, and in June there's going to be two more. Most of my really good friends are married! I have been invited to their various flats for meals, and its really so surreal to see my friends having their own flats. :P Each one carries a style of their own. Yessss the societal norm to get married is so strong!
Looking at their other halves and attending weddings also makes me think about what I really want, and the type of person I'm looking for...Together with people I've dated, had crushes on etc. ...what worked, what didn't etc.
I really wish that it was easier. And ofcos assessing my single status, the benefits that come with it...greater mobility, more time etc.

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My hands and legs have several mosquito bites! :( And guess where I got bitten...
At home! :P Its scary when home is a place you got to be neurotic about. Most of the time, I get bitten when I'm preparing for work in the morning! Sprayed insecticide around the corners but it doesnt seem to help. And I have an average of 4 new bites everyday for the last week. :( :( Mosquitos, I command you to flee!
Being philosophical ofcos......makes me think of the deeper question of how home is meant to be a safe place, and how it is sometimes not. Maybe the very people you thought you could trust abused you?
And our family backgrounds greatly affect our development, i.e. our view towards relationships, life etc. And then the desire for love makes us to find it in the wrong places...

Creating Spaces for God and Relationships and Myself

April came and went, it was a crazy week of 2 trips to Cambodia, conferences and workshops and events and rushing work etc. ;) Glad I emerged sane!

Labour Day Holiday applied to me cos I usually have to work on Saturdays. Was very thankful for the long weekend. I spent Sat morning at East Coast Beach cycling with my cell grp, and after that, I sat at a shaded area for an hour or so just reflecting, worshipping and praying. It was nice. Unknowingly, my back and my arms turned lobster red too!

I went for intercessory prayer on Sun 8am, cos it was anchored by the missions committee. While we were worshipping, someone read the verses from Isa 49:8 onwards. I was touched, because they were the verses that God gave me in 2007 when I was praying about leaving GIC. God remembered me! And 2 May marks the 2 year anniversary of my time in The Girls' Brigade.

After service I spent a good 2 hrs or so processing my thoughts with an aunty in the church whom I respect a lot, and she was also kind of instrumental in my job switch two years ago. I was thankful for the time of sharing and praying together.

And finally, I went for KTV with my good old friends. :D Though I felt so ancient cos my knowledge of chinese songs and singers probably stopped in the 1990s or early 2000. I was glad for time to chill out though.

It has been a fruitful weekend, and today is still rest day for me! Yay! :D Waiting and creating spaces for God and relationships (and myself). I like.. :D