The Wilderness

I often wished I were smarter & more eloquent, like being able to get a scholarship, study in one of those branded US or UK university, and get a top notch job, maybe as a investment banker, or an analyst, or admin service in the civil service or...
I wish I were more assertive, then I wouldn't be bullied, I would be that confident girl who struts around knowing what she wants.
I wish I were prettier...
And many more wishes of being someone else.

This week a leadership training was held for about 140 sec 3 girls at our compound, and I did registration for them. As I interacted with them, or observed them, some of my childhood/youthful angst came up from nowhere, unexpectedly. Those fears, those longings and desires to be well liked- as a youth never quite ever being the most popular, but the quiet one with the spectacles at the corner. The only way I could get some attention for myself was when I scored good grades, and the teacher highlighted my name.
Last night, my sis wanted to borrow my RGS tie, and as I held it, a forgotten pride welled up from within. Whatever that I had felt as a sec sch girl, wearing the uniform.

And there I was, as I was marking the attendance for the girls, wondering what I am doing here? I have now nothing to speak of for my career status. If my confidence used to be in my grades, now I can no longer boast in these. What then, can I boast in?

The residues of that youthful angst and that desire for belonging remains. Though adults have a better way of masking these with better dressing, proper ettique and lots of activities. How now...?

I kind of breezed through getting my first job even before I graduated. The current job had informal interviews. And now exploring the next step, I am hit by the reality of rejection and misfits. I feel very small in my own eyes.

As Pastor Edmund would name it- its the primal wounds of the heart. Stuff that you bring from childhood into adulthood. Dear God, clear it and heal it please. <3

Weddings and HDB Flats!

These 2 years there seems to be an accelerated no. of wedding invitations! I just went for one on Saturday, and in June there's going to be two more. Most of my really good friends are married! I have been invited to their various flats for meals, and its really so surreal to see my friends having their own flats. :P Each one carries a style of their own. Yessss the societal norm to get married is so strong!
Looking at their other halves and attending weddings also makes me think about what I really want, and the type of person I'm looking for...Together with people I've dated, had crushes on etc. ...what worked, what didn't etc.
I really wish that it was easier. And ofcos assessing my single status, the benefits that come with it...greater mobility, more time etc.

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My hands and legs have several mosquito bites! :( And guess where I got bitten...
At home! :P Its scary when home is a place you got to be neurotic about. Most of the time, I get bitten when I'm preparing for work in the morning! Sprayed insecticide around the corners but it doesnt seem to help. And I have an average of 4 new bites everyday for the last week. :( :( Mosquitos, I command you to flee!
Being philosophical ofcos......makes me think of the deeper question of how home is meant to be a safe place, and how it is sometimes not. Maybe the very people you thought you could trust abused you?
And our family backgrounds greatly affect our development, i.e. our view towards relationships, life etc. And then the desire for love makes us to find it in the wrong places...

Creating Spaces for God and Relationships and Myself

April came and went, it was a crazy week of 2 trips to Cambodia, conferences and workshops and events and rushing work etc. ;) Glad I emerged sane!

Labour Day Holiday applied to me cos I usually have to work on Saturdays. Was very thankful for the long weekend. I spent Sat morning at East Coast Beach cycling with my cell grp, and after that, I sat at a shaded area for an hour or so just reflecting, worshipping and praying. It was nice. Unknowingly, my back and my arms turned lobster red too!

I went for intercessory prayer on Sun 8am, cos it was anchored by the missions committee. While we were worshipping, someone read the verses from Isa 49:8 onwards. I was touched, because they were the verses that God gave me in 2007 when I was praying about leaving GIC. God remembered me! And 2 May marks the 2 year anniversary of my time in The Girls' Brigade.

After service I spent a good 2 hrs or so processing my thoughts with an aunty in the church whom I respect a lot, and she was also kind of instrumental in my job switch two years ago. I was thankful for the time of sharing and praying together.

And finally, I went for KTV with my good old friends. :D Though I felt so ancient cos my knowledge of chinese songs and singers probably stopped in the 1990s or early 2000. I was glad for time to chill out though.

It has been a fruitful weekend, and today is still rest day for me! Yay! :D Waiting and creating spaces for God and relationships (and myself). I like.. :D