Pre-wedding reflections

I have been busy planning for my upcoming wedding! Wedding planning involves more than two people, but also our families. There has been some tension here and there, together with work, we have been working through issues. However, I am thankful each time we manage to talk through an issue, we come out stronger, with a better understanding of each other, and with a greater sense of thankfulness as to how God has led and is leading.

Yesterday we went to watch Argo, based on a real life story set in 1970s. The violence in Iran shook me, it was a senseless mob that did not think killing the innocent or hanging someone on a crane to die was cruel. There was so much fear in the country, and so much hatred. Is this the nature of human beings? I whispered to Ferris, I think this occurs on a daily basis in the middle east and some other places, he agreed that we in Singapore are so super blessed. It stirrs my heart to remember God's heart for the world, the poor, the marginalised, and most of all the unreached. How would these people be reached? I really do not know. And who would go to these places?

This makes the string of mosquito bites on my legs and hands (YUCKS) look like a super small problem. I have been concerned about it, as I am particulaly worried there would be scars when I wear my gown. :( Pls pray for me. It also makes the decor and flowers concern pale in comparison. Ferris reminds me that wedding is for a day, marriage is for a lifetime.

Another question I ask myself is whether my current corporate job is working towards the mission goal that I have? Is this where God wants me to be at this time? And am I willing to surrender again my career to Him?

No answers yet... just mulling, and have been feeling stretched due to back to back planning, programmes, events. I want to sit at Jesus's feet and wait upon Him...

I am also certain storms would come in our marriage, but I am certain with Jesus in the centre, we can brave any storm together.

Leaving the social sector

My ex-boss who is was a volunteer used to give the analogy that volunteers are like chickens, who lay eggs once in a while. Full time staff are like bacon, they are the ones who truly die for the cause. Do u agree?

Some have asked why I quit the social sector. To be honest, I was struggling all the way to hand in my resignation letter. I chickened out and sent it by email on the night before I flew for a holiday. I cried in the few weeks leading up to the resignation, because I recalled the journey of 70% pay cut to join the social sector in 2006. My emotions included feeling lost, confused, sad, disappointed etc.

From GB to SIF, I had already switched into a more developed world, social good role. In this role I have learnt a lot, such as communication and writing, multitasking.. I am grateful and enjoyed meeting people of different nationalities. I had the opportunity to be part of the young social entrepreneurs programme, and meeting my heroes from Ashoka, PDI. If u know me long enough, I eat, drink, speak of SE, ever since it captivated my heart in 2004 in the business school - that business could meet social causes. But of all the programmes, I had the most difficulty handling something to do with SE. SE is my passion, and it was difficult that it became a work subject.

I don't wanna become bacon! Working 10- 12 hours a day is no joke (and more during peak hours). I recognize that nothing good comes without hard work when I saw the programmes bearing fruits, but the other side of me yearned for creativity and space to implement my own ideas, to dream, to fail. Working for a social org, u very much have to work according to the mandate of the organization. I recognize that my desire to dream can be done in two ways, one if u are a volunteer, u can choose the causes u want to support and do it with passion and zest. Two, u could start your own social org!

I don't wanna glorify my own quitting, and part of me wish I could do more, hang on. The other part of me thinks differently.... The core part of me that seeks to be a Christian to make an impact in society... This other part of me feels that the private sector offers opportunities to grow, learn, pick up skills that I can use to contribute back.

I'm keeping the dream alive... Thru a different route.

This is an interesting season. I feel that my life has a pattern of over committing to stuff, ESP if they generate social good. Ferris encouraged me to track my expenses, and my goodness,,,,, the amt of money I am spending, but other then that, in retrieving expenses, I also noticed my timetable has always been a series of rushing here and there. Pastor Edmund shared About the inner composure of the heart that Mary - not so much cos she was sitting at Jesus feet just listening, but rather, the way she was rested on the inside. I too want this restedness, and hope to grow in this. Nothing to prove to others, serving with delight and not out of compulsion. So now I am no longer doing some awe inspiriting social job. I am a white collared person, who is working with God, and not for God.

Two more working days...

Listening to Andrew Yeo's My Healer even as I am typing this. Felt touched, as I know that God is so near to me. 5 June marks the last day of my work in the social sector. Touched because I recall how God led me there, my struggle and journey with Him for the past 4years in the social sector. I felt He had to bring me through this process of breaking, to rely on Him. Yet in the midst of my breaking, revealing to me how good He is. That even in making a decision to head back to the private sector, I felt that intimacy with Him, such that I was able to know, It is a partnership with him, and that He works through our desires. I feel empowered to make the decision in my life, knowing that He is for me and with me no matter what I chose. Dreams.... Surely He is unlocking those in my heart. The freedom that He longs to bless each of us with. What are some dreams He has put in your heart? It is ok to dream.. With your palms lifted up to God. He takes the dreams, takes your hand, and brings you on that adventure.

等待着你

I was going to on my laptop to finish up some work, decided instead to write some stuff that have been crossing my mind.

Work has been super crazy, clocking 11-12 hrs daily (almost). It has been fulfilling with the closure of each successful project. :D I have been tired because of the lack of sleep.

At this moment however, I am feeling thankful. Ferris is away on a mission trip. I just can't give thanks and praise enough as to how our personality complements, and our values and beliefs converge.

When I was a single, when I spoke to my happily married/attached friends, they often told me to wait, and that God would send the right one. That sounded cliche to me. I think it was the Lord who led me to pray this prayer early last year. For Mr X, my future partner:

"I'm dreaming of U. U whom i will learn to love completely, and U who will love me for who i am. U whom Abba loves, U who will know Abba loves u. U who will know it is me. U whom i may or may not already know. It will be that amazing day!"

When when and when would that "glorious" day come?

It came, surprisingly, not with sparks or fireworks. There is no lalaland, since we got attached, we have been angry and upset with each other a few times. We had have to walk through issues together. But I see the Lord's hand in this.

I went for a alumni gathering yesterday for Walking in Wholeness- a programme I attended at church. As I was worshipping, memories of the past Breakthrough Weekends that I had gone to flooded my mind. The breakthroughs that I had encountered, the healing of my broken heart through several dramatic incidences, the rhema word in season from the bible.

I re-observed that I had learnt in my "single" life back at church. The lovely people i met in church who i look to as family now. The pulpit ministry, going deep into the word and cultivating the inner life. The community and warm friendships. Thank u Covenant for being a wonderful church for the various milestones in my life. I had wished to be attached, but I was happy as a single.

I am preparing myself for a new season, to be spending three months at
Riverlife church, to pray about where Ferris and I should eventually settle.
No matter where we settle, i am thankful for Covenant. :)

Year 2011

It has been a bit hard reflecting on 2011, as it just seemed like a very plain year, like water. Nothing too dramatic happened.
Thinking through about it, i think it is because of this philosophy that i have been following by Elizabeth Eliot 'But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about it, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.'
Unknowingly, many of my emotions have stablised, in learning to first share them with God in prayer.
Yes it has been a year of also knowing God as Father, and i met Him dramatically in Penang.
He also blessed me with Ferris and many signs of green light that amazed me.
But it is not in the dramatic ways that He meets with me. It is in the daily walk with Him that He meets me. It is in the mundane tasks. It is in the daily surrender, the daily walking in His love, and choosing to love when it is hard, and choosing to abide in His word n trust.
Maybe that's why 2011 seemed like a non event..
Before i left GB, i knew that He was showing me stuff.. About my motivations for serving Him. After leaving GB, and not leading a cell grp too, i felt like i was 'lying low'. It is a period of His moulding.
The non eventful year has been much eventful.. Even today as we had our last cg of the year, and i received encouragement from cg members for my testimony sharing at the outreach event, i was encouraged. I am fearful of public speaking, but in spite of that, i know God used my sharing which came fr the heart..
I dont know much abt organising events, but God came through for me in each of the events i organised at work this year..
Various ones encouraged me that they see a courage in me. I am thankful. I pray daily this verse, that His perfect love will cast out all fears. Courage is not the absence of fear, but going ahead in spite of fears..
Yes, onward to 2012, and more divine appointments. All glory to God :)

Being in a relationship

Reflecting on past relationships, and where i am now with Ferris, it makes me think of a venn diagram. There were aspects of others that i really liked, whether in a r.s. or in a crush. But what Ferris and i share converges in the middle of the venn diagram. I see qualities in him that i liked in others, but somehow the timing, maturity level, or values didn't quite match in other cases. All the heartaches and the pains, sometimes of my own willfulness in refusing to surrender, but yet in all the heartaches, God mended my heart, healed me, and these were precious lessons.
Having been thru these different seasons, not just relationships, but also work and ministry and being ministered to at various junctures, we converge at a point of compatibility.
We caution being presumptuous that we wld eventually marry..we pray so..but I think the lifelong lesson that i learn is God's mighty hand in every season of my life. And i am thankful.
How do we sustain it? In order for our r.s. to grow in intimacy, my relationship with Daddy God must grow too. Otherwise, everything is stunted or will backfire. We need to go back to God as our anchor. We need to be intimate with God. When the relationship becomes so important, our perspectives are blurred. Anything that we are not able to give to God with open palms becomes so important that it chokes us. We say we love someone, but we become possessive. It becomes an idol. Only the daily surrender to God will strengthen our relationship as we look to Him as the centre.
Our worries and concerns for each other become burdens when we forget that each other belongs to God.. But when we have faith, we put our trust in Him that He is able to fix things.
Yes, our God is faithful. :) and this applies in every part of our life. I am trusting Him for my life and for his too.

Whole

I haven't blogged for a long long time and from August to now, so much has happened!

Just wanted to give thanks in particular for my trip to Lesotho recently to see my kiddo that I have been sponsoring for 5 years.

I also finished a 21 day fast with Ferris. The fast was really good. While we were apart from one another, God showed me stuff about myself, my significance in Him. And affirmed that I was whole in Him. The break from each other helped me to give Ferris to God with open hands. And even now, as we finish the fast, it is just the beginning of a long journey towards knowing one another better, pointing each other to know God better.

There is so much to learn. Thankful for the way He has led and will continue to lead. :)

Wrote some notes in FB on trip with photos
http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=268747623170239

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?sk=notes#!/note.php?note_id=268839179827750

Maybe nowadays i don't find writing long blog posts that necessary. Have been writing more in my physical journals..like letters to Father, praying to Him deep thoughts. And thankful for the cell grp and friends to share my life with.

Life and all it's worth

In 2 days time, I would be 29. Unlike previous birthdays, as the day approaches this time, I feel slightly melancholic and a little sad. 28 sounds young adult, and 29 feels adult.

How i feel about it.. Is a bit hard to capture here. At this age, though not terribly old, there are lessons that i have learnt about life. Life and all it's worth.. Each year we grow wiser, but this year just seems like a stop and take stock year. I have learnt many things, and in spite of that, i find that when given a choice, i sometimes do what i said i would not do again. Maybe it is that rebellious streak in me that wants to try, bcos this time God, it would be different. You would think that this time you would be wiser, but the same emotions surges up in your heart. And then comes the if only i hadn't. Yet if i hadn't, would i have learnt these lessons? Have i learnt these lessons?

Went to the New Charis Mission 5th anniversary, and Pastor Don was as inspiring as ever. That Christ came to set the prisoners free was never better exemplified than at that joyous ocassion where hearts were made new, and set free to worship God. At the dinner, Pastor Kong Hee (who i realise i missed his practical sermons tat helped to break down the gospel) said without a vision, the people will always go back to the past. It is true. The israelites made rounds and rounds ard the desert. Maybe cos, the vision was jus not clear enough for them, disbelief and fear had set them back.

Free falling with God, fixing my eyes on Him, just opening my heart to dream with Him, my heart will cry/weep and beat with joy, the joy of His loving heartbeat. And then all over, that wrestling with Him to take control n to settle for something else that seems so comforting.

May my life ... Once yelded to u... Once it has tasted of Your goodness... Be shaped by You so that You may finish the work that You have started in me. The one life that is so fragile, that could go off anytime. It is yours... Despite all its starts and stops.. I know U will never let it go. And, make my heart Your santuary, i pray.. That i think, will keep me going even when i divert from Yr calling, as long as You are in my heart, i will never go far from Yr calling for me. Amen and amen

Rethinking norms

I thought i had come to a point whereby social entreprenurship is a too saturated part of my life. But hosting Thorkil Sonne last week for work gave me new perspectives about inclusion and questioning of norms. A few of the things he mentioned struck me, in particular, that the disabled, people with autism should not be mainstreamed, they should be accomodated. Who is the one defines what is normal n mainstream anyway? We chuck a portion of society as incapable when they are just people who are different with special talents.
The visit to Pathlight Sch was in particular a highlight for me. We visited a shop selling products deigned by the kids. Many of the kids are very talented in design and drawing, putting in the detailed lines and boxes into their drawing. I teared looking at intrinsic drawing of the urban landscape by one talented youth.
Thorkil hires the high functioning autistic as software testers cos they like structures, and can do repetitive tasks very well. In the same way, at Pathlight, the students are give detailed steps to follow.
Actually, i think discrimination and attitudes are very subtle. I don't realise it, but yes i do categorise people. Some people may not be so communicative and hence i strike them off. But have i stopped to look at them in the eye? They are people with talents undiscovered.
Maybe, the rejection of others stems from a rejection of self. What i mean is, if we are secure with ourselves, then when others don't respond in a friendly way, would we then be more comfortable to be patient? Do we reject them first before we feel rejected?
Anyway... I enjoyed time with Thorkil.. Just like i did back in 2004 and 2005 organising the NUS Social Entrepreneurship forums. It brings back lovely memories. It stirs up my passion on the inside.. Seeking for social change and inclusivity.. Addressing social injustice. And it is nice to reconnect with that urban setting, having been looking so much at the rural areas for the past few years.

The night walk alone

Took a walk home to my hse. The night always seems to bring much clarity. The night walk alone.. Makes me feel courageous and touched at the same time. After all the noise n busyness, we are each our own, individuals, uniquely created with our passions, delights, joys, quirks. We become more likeable as we become more like ourselves each day. We become acceptable not when we try to be other people. It's only when we can know ourselves that we love ourselves n learn to love others who are different from us. It is when we gain acceptance of ourselves that we become acceptable to others. These statements need to be read with qualifiers. :)