True love that the world needs today

I first knew about the Father 's heart in 2010 when the team came to Singapore for a conference. It really blessed me and uncle Julian's invitation to me to go to Penang A school was in many ways for me, the personal invitation of Father God to me. Next, I went to Going Deeper in 2011.

Last week, I went to Penang again and it was an amazing time with Father. 

In 2010 and 2011 I felt the journey was a lot about inner healing and coming to know the love of the Father. Now in 2014, I feel my understanding has grown. It started with being aware that we as Christians have a Father who is waiting for us with open arms. He is that loving and compassionate Father and He is with us in every situation and challenge. His love is poured out into our hearts like a real substance. And u grow in that love. This love transforms u on the inside out, and day by day we grow and manifest God's nature in our life.

The message was so life giving to me, as I had grown up in an environment of rights and wrongs. Sermons tell u that God wants our obedience and surrender.. That is true yet not complete. When we are so aligned with His heart, it is no longer about obedience but such harmony in our walk with Him. We don't have to fear that we will trip, walking on a tightrope of rights and wrongs. God sent His Son because He loves us. And His son in the gospel, Jesus knew who His Father was. He had such an intimate and secure relationship with the Father such that He did whatever the Father was doing.

So it is not longer about living our lives with laws and guilt. There is a new found freedom in my heart. And with that it is so much easier to enjoy life as a Christian.

At the school, God also spoke to me about an area of sadness. I had a miscarriage in April this year. I don't mind sharing this with people except sometimes people may feel awkward. God was our comforter during those difficult moments. The loss is still there in a part of the heart. But what really brought tears to my eyes was the verse that God spoke to clearly to me at Penang. 

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, And my Lord has forgotten me.” “Can a woman forget her nursing child, And not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me. (Isaiah 49:14-16 NKJV)

Ofcos there was doubt in me that God had forsaken me, but Father so gently and intimately reminded me of His mothering love that He will always have compassion on me and is with me. When I came back to Singapore as I prayed, Father brought up the memory of our child who is in heaven with Him now... And revealed to me that as much as I grieved for this child, He grieves for and with His children. And now this verse has so much more a deeper meaning having been a mother myself.

There was also often this struggle that I don't find myself beautiful. In the most gentle way, He asked me, if your daughter doesn't find herself beautiful, how would u feel? I would be sad and my daughter was ofcos beautiful in my eyes. Then I felt God tell me, what more when u tell me that u are not beautiful? You are made in my image my daughter. I teared knowing in my heart how God had spoken to me in such an intimate way.

I believe He wants to restore us to the knowledge and identity as His son and daughter. As a servant, we ask for wages, but if we serve our Daddy as a child of His, we would be able to serve with so much more compassion. That is the true love that the world is looking for today. 

I can cook, so can you

I prepared the following speech for toastmasters, and realized it was good enough to be posted as a blog post. So here it is

They say: the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach, and the opposite is a hungry man is an angry man. Because i have heard of these sayings and my husband loves to eat, prior to being married i had hardly cooked. cooking and i were like strangers.
after i got married i endeavored to learn how to cook!
the first meal that we cooked together was after we came back from our honeymoon all excited! they say the abc soup is the easiest to cook just throw in carrots potato onions and meat to boil! we used some beef because i had seen my mother do that before. after about 15min the meat looked cooked, we scoop out the soup and lo and behold the carrots and potatos were as hard as rock and the soup tasted like water.

Since that attempt i have picked up some skills in cooking. let me share with u three tips on learning to cook.

SPA

1. Seek help
it was obvious i needed help with cooking! the first person to approach was my mother. Mothers are like walking cookbooks, they have all the dishes in their memory! They will tell u, just put some salt, put some soya sauce, how much you ask? They say just roughly put as you think is right. 

i learnt from her for soup to be tasty, u need to let it simmer for at least 30-45min, in fact longer the richer! i also learnt from her chicken stew recipe! for the chicken to be more fragrant, stir fry with garlic for a short while first before throwing in all the other ingredients and water. the other resource that came in v handy was a cooking website recommended by my friend at noobcook.com. in there were recipes for Chinese and western food.including baking steaming braising. From there I learn recipes like steamed beer prawns and cereal prawns.

2. Practice with people who encourage 

When I first started cooking, I cooked for my husband, there's only two of us, and he has to be my guinea pig. From the start he always finished the food I cooked. And sometimes he would say things like this is the best meal I have ever eaten. This really warms my heart. 

Another couple I cooked for one month after our marriage was my best friend and her husband. They finished the food and encouraged me to practice more.

3. Adapt and dare to innovate

Having sought help I tried innovating using food that I had. Last sat was my husband s bday and he requested for fish maw soup. The recipes mostly included chicken stock, which I was reluctant to use cos I'm health conscious. I bought a thermal cooker and cooked the chicken soup with mushroom overnight. In the morning when I opened the pot it was pipping hot and the soup was rich. I added the fish maw, scallops and more mushroom. The outcome was beautiful. Brown rich soup with smooth bits of fish maw, tender chicken pieces and juicy mushroom slices. We took our first bite. we both felt it was not very salty. It's ok however!

On Monday I used left over food from my mother in law -sausages, and potato and prawns from last week. I suddenly thought of the lagsana.I took the mozzarella cheese and the dill weed from my friend who left it in our kitchen, and suddenly I was able to have a meal that tasted a bit like pasta.

SPA 

I believe these principles are not just for cooking, but in any new skill u are learning,these three points will help u! I hope this has been good food for thought for you.

I can cook, so can you.

Life after marriage

I have been busy! What have I been busy with?
I have been busy learning how to be a good wife. Learning to cook, to wash, hang clothes, wipe the floors etc. I make breakfast for my husband every morning, whether it is a toasted sandwiches, cornflakes with milk or just sliced bread with kaya and milo. I try to cook at least one to two times a week whether it is simple soup noodles with yong tau fu or a full meal of rice, chicken stew, steam fish, chicken mushroom soup, stir fried vegetables, oatmeal prawns.
This is what I have been busy with!
The really wonderful thing is we learn to do these things together.

I make myself sound like a housewife, which I'm not. But I discovered that women build the house ( as what the sermon on mothers day preached), women can transform the atmosphere of their home with kindness, joy and warmth. :)

We hosted some friends at home too. Ferris mops the floor, washes the dishes etc. We are a team!

In aspects of building a family together, I smell something familiar, it is one of the simple joys of living. Same simple joys that I experienced in the village because it has to do with something so uncostly, but so expensive, the human to human relationship with each other.

I come home each day looking forward to be home. :) no matter how tired, home is where the heart is.

On the work front, it has been humbling, as I start afresh from the "bottom" in a field that is unknown to me of talent management and organizational development. Sometimes it is a bit like consultancy work. The best part is great bosses, the rewarding part is seeing yr work being appreciated, the growth part is having opportunities to try new projects, the grace part is guidance without nit picking. I struggled with the humbleness of starting afresh, but now I'm reaping the benefits of sticking it out. Being able to be home to cook is a super plus point.

I'm at a rather happy place and praying and preparing and managing expectations because life is not a bed of roses. Even then, I remind myself to smell the roses that come my way.

Pre-wedding reflections

I have been busy planning for my upcoming wedding! Wedding planning involves more than two people, but also our families. There has been some tension here and there, together with work, we have been working through issues. However, I am thankful each time we manage to talk through an issue, we come out stronger, with a better understanding of each other, and with a greater sense of thankfulness as to how God has led and is leading.

Yesterday we went to watch Argo, based on a real life story set in 1970s. The violence in Iran shook me, it was a senseless mob that did not think killing the innocent or hanging someone on a crane to die was cruel. There was so much fear in the country, and so much hatred. Is this the nature of human beings? I whispered to Ferris, I think this occurs on a daily basis in the middle east and some other places, he agreed that we in Singapore are so super blessed. It stirrs my heart to remember God's heart for the world, the poor, the marginalised, and most of all the unreached. How would these people be reached? I really do not know. And who would go to these places?

This makes the string of mosquito bites on my legs and hands (YUCKS) look like a super small problem. I have been concerned about it, as I am particulaly worried there would be scars when I wear my gown. :( Pls pray for me. It also makes the decor and flowers concern pale in comparison. Ferris reminds me that wedding is for a day, marriage is for a lifetime.

Another question I ask myself is whether my current corporate job is working towards the mission goal that I have? Is this where God wants me to be at this time? And am I willing to surrender again my career to Him?

No answers yet... just mulling, and have been feeling stretched due to back to back planning, programmes, events. I want to sit at Jesus's feet and wait upon Him...

I am also certain storms would come in our marriage, but I am certain with Jesus in the centre, we can brave any storm together.

Leaving the social sector

My ex-boss who is was a volunteer used to give the analogy that volunteers are like chickens, who lay eggs once in a while. Full time staff are like bacon, they are the ones who truly die for the cause. Do u agree?

Some have asked why I quit the social sector. To be honest, I was struggling all the way to hand in my resignation letter. I chickened out and sent it by email on the night before I flew for a holiday. I cried in the few weeks leading up to the resignation, because I recalled the journey of 70% pay cut to join the social sector in 2006. My emotions included feeling lost, confused, sad, disappointed etc.

From GB to SIF, I had already switched into a more developed world, social good role. In this role I have learnt a lot, such as communication and writing, multitasking.. I am grateful and enjoyed meeting people of different nationalities. I had the opportunity to be part of the young social entrepreneurs programme, and meeting my heroes from Ashoka, PDI. If u know me long enough, I eat, drink, speak of SE, ever since it captivated my heart in 2004 in the business school - that business could meet social causes. But of all the programmes, I had the most difficulty handling something to do with SE. SE is my passion, and it was difficult that it became a work subject.

I don't wanna become bacon! Working 10- 12 hours a day is no joke (and more during peak hours). I recognize that nothing good comes without hard work when I saw the programmes bearing fruits, but the other side of me yearned for creativity and space to implement my own ideas, to dream, to fail. Working for a social org, u very much have to work according to the mandate of the organization. I recognize that my desire to dream can be done in two ways, one if u are a volunteer, u can choose the causes u want to support and do it with passion and zest. Two, u could start your own social org!

I don't wanna glorify my own quitting, and part of me wish I could do more, hang on. The other part of me thinks differently.... The core part of me that seeks to be a Christian to make an impact in society... This other part of me feels that the private sector offers opportunities to grow, learn, pick up skills that I can use to contribute back.

I'm keeping the dream alive... Thru a different route.

This is an interesting season. I feel that my life has a pattern of over committing to stuff, ESP if they generate social good. Ferris encouraged me to track my expenses, and my goodness,,,,, the amt of money I am spending, but other then that, in retrieving expenses, I also noticed my timetable has always been a series of rushing here and there. Pastor Edmund shared About the inner composure of the heart that Mary - not so much cos she was sitting at Jesus feet just listening, but rather, the way she was rested on the inside. I too want this restedness, and hope to grow in this. Nothing to prove to others, serving with delight and not out of compulsion. So now I am no longer doing some awe inspiriting social job. I am a white collared person, who is working with God, and not for God.

Two more working days...

Listening to Andrew Yeo's My Healer even as I am typing this. Felt touched, as I know that God is so near to me. 5 June marks the last day of my work in the social sector. Touched because I recall how God led me there, my struggle and journey with Him for the past 4years in the social sector. I felt He had to bring me through this process of breaking, to rely on Him. Yet in the midst of my breaking, revealing to me how good He is. That even in making a decision to head back to the private sector, I felt that intimacy with Him, such that I was able to know, It is a partnership with him, and that He works through our desires. I feel empowered to make the decision in my life, knowing that He is for me and with me no matter what I chose. Dreams.... Surely He is unlocking those in my heart. The freedom that He longs to bless each of us with. What are some dreams He has put in your heart? It is ok to dream.. With your palms lifted up to God. He takes the dreams, takes your hand, and brings you on that adventure.

等待着你

I was going to on my laptop to finish up some work, decided instead to write some stuff that have been crossing my mind.

Work has been super crazy, clocking 11-12 hrs daily (almost). It has been fulfilling with the closure of each successful project. :D I have been tired because of the lack of sleep.

At this moment however, I am feeling thankful. Ferris is away on a mission trip. I just can't give thanks and praise enough as to how our personality complements, and our values and beliefs converge.

When I was a single, when I spoke to my happily married/attached friends, they often told me to wait, and that God would send the right one. That sounded cliche to me. I think it was the Lord who led me to pray this prayer early last year. For Mr X, my future partner:

"I'm dreaming of U. U whom i will learn to love completely, and U who will love me for who i am. U whom Abba loves, U who will know Abba loves u. U who will know it is me. U whom i may or may not already know. It will be that amazing day!"

When when and when would that "glorious" day come?

It came, surprisingly, not with sparks or fireworks. There is no lalaland, since we got attached, we have been angry and upset with each other a few times. We had have to walk through issues together. But I see the Lord's hand in this.

I went for a alumni gathering yesterday for Walking in Wholeness- a programme I attended at church. As I was worshipping, memories of the past Breakthrough Weekends that I had gone to flooded my mind. The breakthroughs that I had encountered, the healing of my broken heart through several dramatic incidences, the rhema word in season from the bible.

I re-observed that I had learnt in my "single" life back at church. The lovely people i met in church who i look to as family now. The pulpit ministry, going deep into the word and cultivating the inner life. The community and warm friendships. Thank u Covenant for being a wonderful church for the various milestones in my life. I had wished to be attached, but I was happy as a single.

I am preparing myself for a new season, to be spending three months at
Riverlife church, to pray about where Ferris and I should eventually settle.
No matter where we settle, i am thankful for Covenant. :)

Year 2011

It has been a bit hard reflecting on 2011, as it just seemed like a very plain year, like water. Nothing too dramatic happened.
Thinking through about it, i think it is because of this philosophy that i have been following by Elizabeth Eliot 'But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about it, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.'
Unknowingly, many of my emotions have stablised, in learning to first share them with God in prayer.
Yes it has been a year of also knowing God as Father, and i met Him dramatically in Penang.
He also blessed me with Ferris and many signs of green light that amazed me.
But it is not in the dramatic ways that He meets with me. It is in the daily walk with Him that He meets me. It is in the mundane tasks. It is in the daily surrender, the daily walking in His love, and choosing to love when it is hard, and choosing to abide in His word n trust.
Maybe that's why 2011 seemed like a non event..
Before i left GB, i knew that He was showing me stuff.. About my motivations for serving Him. After leaving GB, and not leading a cell grp too, i felt like i was 'lying low'. It is a period of His moulding.
The non eventful year has been much eventful.. Even today as we had our last cg of the year, and i received encouragement from cg members for my testimony sharing at the outreach event, i was encouraged. I am fearful of public speaking, but in spite of that, i know God used my sharing which came fr the heart..
I dont know much abt organising events, but God came through for me in each of the events i organised at work this year..
Various ones encouraged me that they see a courage in me. I am thankful. I pray daily this verse, that His perfect love will cast out all fears. Courage is not the absence of fear, but going ahead in spite of fears..
Yes, onward to 2012, and more divine appointments. All glory to God :)

Being in a relationship

Reflecting on past relationships, and where i am now with Ferris, it makes me think of a venn diagram. There were aspects of others that i really liked, whether in a r.s. or in a crush. But what Ferris and i share converges in the middle of the venn diagram. I see qualities in him that i liked in others, but somehow the timing, maturity level, or values didn't quite match in other cases. All the heartaches and the pains, sometimes of my own willfulness in refusing to surrender, but yet in all the heartaches, God mended my heart, healed me, and these were precious lessons.
Having been thru these different seasons, not just relationships, but also work and ministry and being ministered to at various junctures, we converge at a point of compatibility.
We caution being presumptuous that we wld eventually marry..we pray so..but I think the lifelong lesson that i learn is God's mighty hand in every season of my life. And i am thankful.
How do we sustain it? In order for our r.s. to grow in intimacy, my relationship with Daddy God must grow too. Otherwise, everything is stunted or will backfire. We need to go back to God as our anchor. We need to be intimate with God. When the relationship becomes so important, our perspectives are blurred. Anything that we are not able to give to God with open palms becomes so important that it chokes us. We say we love someone, but we become possessive. It becomes an idol. Only the daily surrender to God will strengthen our relationship as we look to Him as the centre.
Our worries and concerns for each other become burdens when we forget that each other belongs to God.. But when we have faith, we put our trust in Him that He is able to fix things.
Yes, our God is faithful. :) and this applies in every part of our life. I am trusting Him for my life and for his too.

Whole

I haven't blogged for a long long time and from August to now, so much has happened!

Just wanted to give thanks in particular for my trip to Lesotho recently to see my kiddo that I have been sponsoring for 5 years.

I also finished a 21 day fast with Ferris. The fast was really good. While we were apart from one another, God showed me stuff about myself, my significance in Him. And affirmed that I was whole in Him. The break from each other helped me to give Ferris to God with open hands. And even now, as we finish the fast, it is just the beginning of a long journey towards knowing one another better, pointing each other to know God better.

There is so much to learn. Thankful for the way He has led and will continue to lead. :)

Wrote some notes in FB on trip with photos
http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=268747623170239

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?sk=notes#!/note.php?note_id=268839179827750

Maybe nowadays i don't find writing long blog posts that necessary. Have been writing more in my physical journals..like letters to Father, praying to Him deep thoughts. And thankful for the cell grp and friends to share my life with.