Mr. Grey

I used to think of things in very Black and White terms. Either you love or you don't, either you are right or you are wrong. Either its a yes or a no.

In recent years, Mr. Grey started to appear in my dictionary.
The ability to take on uncertainty is precious. Waiting is precious. The process is important. Because we don't always get what we desire at one time.

But that ability to Hope, to keep Believing and trusting. That is precious.

And the insights that Mr. Grey brings to your life, when you start to see things from others perspectives and stop being dogmatic about your own. When life has no certainty, it is also a life of adventure.

So just let go and fly.

Loving with all your heart

This hasn't been an easy week because it is a week of grieving over the loss of things that are important to me.
Just one of the things is that Friday is my last day in the office. Packing up, documenting papers, filing etc, brings back loads of memories. I have given of my time, emotions, heart to it.
(Grieving sounds badly serious, but grieve and let go was the best statement I ever heard from someone, and I believe grieving is the whole process of reconciling one's loss)

While talking to a friend on MSN about relationships, I thought of a quote I had read in C.S. Lewis's "Four Loves" before. I read it last year when I was contemplating on r/s, and nursing a broken heart. I found this entry in my blog which is very apt.

C.S. Lewis says
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this is the way in which they should break, so be it."

I don't know which other way to love, except to give fully of my heart.

In the same entry, I wrote this other quote that I had gathered from the book and really liked- it is the "smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy."
What the book was saying, was that the early christian writers, like the dessert fathers, or even Augustus, said that we should have no other loves than God. As in, the general idea is always that other loves - e.g. worldly cares, need to be taken away. But C.S. Lewis is saying, it is not about us trying to love man less, the problem is when we love God too little.

Yesterday was my birthday, and whilst walking to the bus stop, I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful. :) Maybe the rainbow was God's gift for me, cos none of the other passerbys stopped like me, to take a photo using my phone. And then I remembered God's covenant with me. He is faithful in spite of all the ups and downs. He has led me through 2 years and 4 months in my work here, held my hand thru different circumstances, and holds my heart in His mighty hand. The Greatness of God's love, or our love for God, helps us to love others with fullness of His love. It is impossible for me to emotionally shutdown to people I love even if they have hurt me deeply. But it is possible to give these hurts to God, and continue to love through His grace.

lessons i have learnt: on love

1. To love I must first know who I am, be true to myself, my interests, my passions, my purpose. That is when I am in a position of security, because I know who I am on the inside.

2. To love places one in a position of vulnerability. It requires faith to love and to give of oneself. Jesus was in a position of vulnerability. He emptied of Himself. He loved us even before we loved Him. This is linked to point one. That is why we need to be secure in who we are before we can fully love and give of ourselves.