Rethinking norms

I thought i had come to a point whereby social entreprenurship is a too saturated part of my life. But hosting Thorkil Sonne last week for work gave me new perspectives about inclusion and questioning of norms. A few of the things he mentioned struck me, in particular, that the disabled, people with autism should not be mainstreamed, they should be accomodated. Who is the one defines what is normal n mainstream anyway? We chuck a portion of society as incapable when they are just people who are different with special talents.
The visit to Pathlight Sch was in particular a highlight for me. We visited a shop selling products deigned by the kids. Many of the kids are very talented in design and drawing, putting in the detailed lines and boxes into their drawing. I teared looking at intrinsic drawing of the urban landscape by one talented youth.
Thorkil hires the high functioning autistic as software testers cos they like structures, and can do repetitive tasks very well. In the same way, at Pathlight, the students are give detailed steps to follow.
Actually, i think discrimination and attitudes are very subtle. I don't realise it, but yes i do categorise people. Some people may not be so communicative and hence i strike them off. But have i stopped to look at them in the eye? They are people with talents undiscovered.
Maybe, the rejection of others stems from a rejection of self. What i mean is, if we are secure with ourselves, then when others don't respond in a friendly way, would we then be more comfortable to be patient? Do we reject them first before we feel rejected?
Anyway... I enjoyed time with Thorkil.. Just like i did back in 2004 and 2005 organising the NUS Social Entrepreneurship forums. It brings back lovely memories. It stirs up my passion on the inside.. Seeking for social change and inclusivity.. Addressing social injustice. And it is nice to reconnect with that urban setting, having been looking so much at the rural areas for the past few years.

The night walk alone

Took a walk home to my hse. The night always seems to bring much clarity. The night walk alone.. Makes me feel courageous and touched at the same time. After all the noise n busyness, we are each our own, individuals, uniquely created with our passions, delights, joys, quirks. We become more likeable as we become more like ourselves each day. We become acceptable not when we try to be other people. It's only when we can know ourselves that we love ourselves n learn to love others who are different from us. It is when we gain acceptance of ourselves that we become acceptable to others. These statements need to be read with qualifiers. :)

Be like the fountain that overflows

I really haven't been blogging for some time... Felt a bit inspired by a couple of things here and there, but just did not get down to writing.

Today is a public holiday and I am spending the whole day at home, save for a possible trip I may make to the beach in a short while.

For one, I'm thankful for the cell group that I've attended since Jan this year. It's a new group that started this year, and somehow, we are just able to mix with one another, and have been spending a lot of time together. Last night we went for KTV, and then had icecream at Udders until 1am. I feel young again. :D It's not only a cg that spends time together, but it's a group of people that encourages one another and also reaches out to each other's friends. It was inspiring sending off one of the cg friend to the airport for his flight which was at 5am.

I just finished a book titled "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho, the book seeks to define madness, i.e. everyone of us in "mad" in our own ways. And the "mad" are actually being more real in being themselves, versus following social norms. I liked this quote: "Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains".
Maybe, this is one of the reasons I have stopped blogging so regularly, because I am trying to contain myself in a cistern, which unknowingly makes me feel depressed.
I want to be like the fountain that overflows. And I am thankful for a community to live out a real life with Jesus. A real radical life with Jesus.
I somehow still feel that there will still be something lacking though. Till His Kingdom really comes.
There's no more water to flow out, if there is no rest and refilling in Jesus.

I want to sit down at the beach and ask God abt the things I should be lacking go. And the things I should still hold on to. The responsibilities I shouldn't be taking on, and the things that seem crazy but He wants me to do. :D Work has been busy..and long hours. My tired bones are cracking and the fine lines under my eyes are growing.

Ageing..and this year marks the year I turn 29. I had always thought I would be married by 28 years old. It feels strange. Like I am now of a more matured age, taking on more responsibilities. I sometimes feel like I am living someone else's life.
I would be lying if I say this is not of a concern to me. Yet I know that being married doesn't make one feel less lonely, but it does seem like you would have someone to share your life with.
The pros are ofcos that I have much more mobility to travel and run around :) And more time for myself.
Thankful for a community in the CG. The counter to loneliness is the deep friendships and community. Having real friends and not superficial ones. And yes I am thankful that I have such friends.

I love Indonesia. . .

I just got back from Indonesia today about 5pm. And I really enjoyed my interaction with the people there. The people I met totally changed my earlier conclusions and assumptions of the Indonesians. :D The people I met were friendly, service oriented, responsible, and went the extra mile for me/us. Thankful that the whole event went well. It has been stressful for the past month especially into the last two weeks as I stayed in the office till 9plus and 10 on some days!

Thanks for all your prayers! And it has been amazing how God is leading me in different areas..

K.O.

I fell ill the evening I came back from Cambodia, felt bloated and giddy before I slept, and I vomitted almost all the food I ate on the plane in the middle of the night. The next day, I slept almost the whole day, and only woke up in spurts to finish up some work. Everytime I ate or drank, I vomitted. I felt so weak and incapacitated. Thank God that I am feeling better today! It reminds me of some time last year when I came back with food poisoning from Cambodia too! My tummy seems pretty sensitive.

I went to Siem Reap with a group of volunteers who are studying MBA in Singapore, and they are from different continents, including Europe, Asia, America. It was fun and interesting interacting with them, and learning from different cultures definitely. Told my colleague I like Europeans cos they hug a lot! I have gained much from hugging and affection. Asians are recticient, but you could say they think deeply before they express their emotions. I felt sad the night I was leaving Siem Reap, and the next day for Phnom Penh. Felt sad to say goodbye to the friendships built. SR gave me a very different feeling, because of its touristy nature, and most people could speak English. People came across as more open and friendly.

I arrived at Phnom Penh on Tuesday morning, and I was supposed to meet the driver at the airport. I waited and didn't see the driver. But there was a smartly dressed cambodian who approached me and asked if I needed help. He offered to lend me his phone. After using it for 2 phone calls, he said, "Excuse me, can you give me money? I have no money." I was sad, not because I didn't want to give him money, but because I had thought that this young man was here to help me, and I was sad that he had to ask for money this way. I took a taxi and reached the hotel, which was new to me as well.

I caught a glimpse of life as a missionary. Ofcos a missionary would go with certain organizations. But a missionary feels lonely.. feels discouraged on the field, when he meets with people he wants to help, but the people he wants to help try to take advantage of him. I had time alone staying in a single room for the few nights. And going to the villages reminds me of my previous work with GB.
I think it happens, that one starts to question his faith. Because he is surrounded by people of different faiths. And when one sees how unreached it is, one wonders if his faith is real.
In fact, many of the Europeans come from Catholic backgrounds, but religion has become a very minute part of their lives, and they tell me that it is not relevant as the world develops. Interesting that it is now a reverse evangelism, whereby asians are catching the fire, and the European churches are getting empty.

It was very nice that my ex colleagues helped me to arrange transport and they came to the hotel to meet with me. I was very touched to see them amidst the cold reception I had at the airport. It also dawned upon me that as a single person at the airport in a place like Phnom Penh, it was scary, and that I had always been privileged previously to have colleagues to arrange transport and lodgings for me.

I met up with some of our alumni for dinner, and they were all young professionals. It was a very different side of Cambodia that I met up with. I asked them about their view of poverty. 2 of them came from the province and said that it was up to the individual to make full use of his opportunities as they came. We talked about the governments, the people etc. I was heartened. In a way yes. Young Cambodians arise and contribute to their own economy.

I'm thankful for friends who sms and pray for me when I fell ill. "Friends" used to be used very loosely, but now "friends" means something deeper to me. . . That they could take my idiosyncracies. My mum sang chinese christian songs to me and cooked porridge for me.

Watching TV now..and there are two things that I caught..
First one - female protagonist says that, as long as you treat people with sincerity, they would also one day know your heart and reciprocrate
Second one - male protagonist encourages female protagonist - that she has too high expectations of herself, as long as she relaxes, she will be able to do well...

This is a pretty long post after a long time! I guess it is because...I feel like a broken recorder saying the same things all over, and I don't know if anyone still reads this. :) Do say hi if you are....

Greetings from Siem Reap..

It has been some time since I wrote.. cos I am also not sure what to write about! Guess I have pretty much written most of the stuff I ever wanted to write for now..

I am now at some quaint looking hotel at Siem Reap, with some volunteers of our projects in Cambodia. Had some Khmer food.. Siem Reap feels different from Phnom Penh, I can't exactly pinpoint what is the difference. I think Siem Reap feels more touristy... And Phnom Penh feels cosy. Maybe cos of all the friends and ex colleagues I have there and the projects that I know of.

Landing at Cambodia, and last Monday visiting Jakarta leads me to think about my experience in the past. I am kinda made to confront the past, even in sharing and speaking with volunteers about NGO work, the flips sides of aid and voluntary trips. And today we even talked about social responsible investing/funds, venture philatrophy etc. Guess it is all so ingrained in me.

I feel "emo".... Allowing my heart to settle down...amidst all the rushing here and there with various projects.

What's next? I don't know.. except to fulfil my present season well.

Curious about life beyond our island?

I guess along the years, I slowly built up an interest in people. The change in perspectives was most stark after i became a christian, as something fundamental about christianity is not only to love God, but it is also to love your neighbours as yourself. I weave my life around these two principles.
A curiosity about people - what they think, how they think and WHY they think, in certain manners. In a group, I like inclusivity where everyone gets heard. I dislike stereotypes (easier said than done!). A curiosity, also because I like to try new things including food, visiting new places etc.
Second, the love for people necessarily leads to the interest in people. God's outflowing of love inevitably pours out thru us as christians, who are conduits of His love.

Whereas it was not so clear at the start, later as my horizons increased with meeting different nationalities, traveling to different places and reading books on different countries, meeting new people took on a different dimension. I find that it is quite difficult not to be fascinated by people from different cultures and lifestyles. Sometimes, Singapore feels like a comfortable bubble. Some say it is a comfortable construct, whereas 80 percent of the world lives much differently (which includes people in the villages, farmlands etc. ). I think we shd stop complaining abt Singapore, it is really one of the safest, cleanest places in the world. Working in SIF helped me discover all the integrated cool policies ranging from water policies of resevoirs and newater to sustainable urban housing to green cities..
We are nothing short of blessed.

But yet we cannot stay in a comfortable bubble or vacuum, because the world is larger than our island. 1 billion people live on less than 1USD a day. Poverty issues aside, the richness of cultures from different countries, including songs, writings, history, heritages, and mixing with them enriches us.

I am hence nothing short of a global vision, beyond the sunny island that is comfortable to stay in. I love meeting the chinese, the indonesians, the europeans, the americans etc etc.. And hopefully i can meet africans and south americans too! That would be most interesting. We can't help but meet internationals i guess, because 1.5 million people in singapore are foreigners. I hope we extend our hearts wide without prejudice to learn fr each other.

Memories

Nature has a way of helping us cope with difficult situations - the defence mechanism of "forgetting" or "repression".

This post is long overdued, and I guess it was because I was derailed by other stuff around the last few weeks of my work at my previous job. And now with greater clarity, I think the other stuff has affected me much more because there were all sorts of emotions that unconsciously were suppressed due to my job change.

Yes job change felt a bit like 2006, when I stepped down from being a CGL. The same kind of emotions invested in a ministry, the calling I had heard from God to go forth and step up, the same kind of sadness in leaving, the same feelings of loss, the same heart that continues to beat for the people I serve, and the same kind of weariness that comes with it.

It is indeed just a thin line between being jaded/bitter and becoming stronger. Each experience either leads you towards learning new things, or it leads you towards bitterness. The heart is the well-spring of life.

It is learning to trust, to let go, and to know that God has a season for everything.

In choosing my options after my previous job, one of the options was to go on to the Discipleship Training School at YWAM. I chose my current job instead, good exposure and organization and international work. A stepping stone, I believe, to what lies ahead.

The past few months I have been derailed...or rather...I have been distracted. And it has been good..actually.. I believe it is part of the process that I need to go through, that process of surrender, and of knowing God's grace. Which is even difficult to explain here.

I guess the distraction was more painful, because I am/was unwilling to face up to my pain of loss from my previous job, and it kind of added on to it. Sigh. I love the ministry with all my heart. To love at all, is to be vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis puts it. Pastor Edmund Chan says, people think that leadership gets easier with time, but it doesn't, it only gets harder. That's why leaders need to persevere.

My current job has been interesting, and its a whole new world. In terms of meaningfulness, it can no way measure up to my previous job of helping women and children, and the looking forward of trips to developing countries. And yes I must pray. Pray and ask how and where He is leading me.

Christmas wind down..

The Christmas season makes one feel abit dreary cos the weather is cold. And winter seems to mark the end of many things. Plants stop growing in winter, animals hibernate. And yes, it is a month of farewells.
Its not always so dreary as it comes with the festive moods, the gatherings, the hymms, singing etc. Maybe a better word would be "reflective".

Fell ill and on MC today. Went into office in the morning to send out a paper. And now I am back at home! Felt better and decided to work a bit on my report. This year end, work doesn't seem to wind down! But there is still a lot of activities on-going. My body is protesting...I haven't managed to go to the gym this week! :X

But with rest, comes energy to walk the next year. With death, comes life. With farewells, comes hello to new things.

Farewell 2010.......soon...counting down.. it has been a challenging year, and a year to remember.. its a significant year whereby I understand God never lets me go. :)

The stump

I simply love it how CS Lewis puts in his book this part in 'A grief observed':
"Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another... If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one- legged man... His whole way of life will be changed."

Perhaps, thats what i meant abt the uniqueness of an individual, a friend or person who has been part of yr life, and his/her leaving and other people coming in doesn't constitute a replacement. U have lost a leg.

Could it be an operation for appendicitis that feels like a leg has been lost? Afterall, may be it isn't that great a lost- when the brain becomes clear and sanity is restored.

Or could our good God cause the leg to regrow again and make it completely whole? What really is the complete healing that He brings? Would the heart that has been broken be completely whole again?

No answers for that.. Or could the hole in the heart be replaced by someone else? Maybe, that doesn't solve the fundamental problem of the heart that has a hole.

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just back from a networking dinner of sorts. Have been going to quite a few of these. ") its fun in a way, but humm... Kind of tiring too with back to back events going on. . Feeling peacefully melancholic. I think its the beer.. I want a good sleep and a good hug