Memories

Nature has a way of helping us cope with difficult situations - the defence mechanism of "forgetting" or "repression".

This post is long overdued, and I guess it was because I was derailed by other stuff around the last few weeks of my work at my previous job. And now with greater clarity, I think the other stuff has affected me much more because there were all sorts of emotions that unconsciously were suppressed due to my job change.

Yes job change felt a bit like 2006, when I stepped down from being a CGL. The same kind of emotions invested in a ministry, the calling I had heard from God to go forth and step up, the same kind of sadness in leaving, the same feelings of loss, the same heart that continues to beat for the people I serve, and the same kind of weariness that comes with it.

It is indeed just a thin line between being jaded/bitter and becoming stronger. Each experience either leads you towards learning new things, or it leads you towards bitterness. The heart is the well-spring of life.

It is learning to trust, to let go, and to know that God has a season for everything.

In choosing my options after my previous job, one of the options was to go on to the Discipleship Training School at YWAM. I chose my current job instead, good exposure and organization and international work. A stepping stone, I believe, to what lies ahead.

The past few months I have been derailed...or rather...I have been distracted. And it has been good..actually.. I believe it is part of the process that I need to go through, that process of surrender, and of knowing God's grace. Which is even difficult to explain here.

I guess the distraction was more painful, because I am/was unwilling to face up to my pain of loss from my previous job, and it kind of added on to it. Sigh. I love the ministry with all my heart. To love at all, is to be vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis puts it. Pastor Edmund Chan says, people think that leadership gets easier with time, but it doesn't, it only gets harder. That's why leaders need to persevere.

My current job has been interesting, and its a whole new world. In terms of meaningfulness, it can no way measure up to my previous job of helping women and children, and the looking forward of trips to developing countries. And yes I must pray. Pray and ask how and where He is leading me.

Christmas wind down..

The Christmas season makes one feel abit dreary cos the weather is cold. And winter seems to mark the end of many things. Plants stop growing in winter, animals hibernate. And yes, it is a month of farewells.
Its not always so dreary as it comes with the festive moods, the gatherings, the hymms, singing etc. Maybe a better word would be "reflective".

Fell ill and on MC today. Went into office in the morning to send out a paper. And now I am back at home! Felt better and decided to work a bit on my report. This year end, work doesn't seem to wind down! But there is still a lot of activities on-going. My body is protesting...I haven't managed to go to the gym this week! :X

But with rest, comes energy to walk the next year. With death, comes life. With farewells, comes hello to new things.

Farewell 2010.......soon...counting down.. it has been a challenging year, and a year to remember.. its a significant year whereby I understand God never lets me go. :)

The stump

I simply love it how CS Lewis puts in his book this part in 'A grief observed':
"Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another... If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one- legged man... His whole way of life will be changed."

Perhaps, thats what i meant abt the uniqueness of an individual, a friend or person who has been part of yr life, and his/her leaving and other people coming in doesn't constitute a replacement. U have lost a leg.

Could it be an operation for appendicitis that feels like a leg has been lost? Afterall, may be it isn't that great a lost- when the brain becomes clear and sanity is restored.

Or could our good God cause the leg to regrow again and make it completely whole? What really is the complete healing that He brings? Would the heart that has been broken be completely whole again?

No answers for that.. Or could the hole in the heart be replaced by someone else? Maybe, that doesn't solve the fundamental problem of the heart that has a hole.

-------
just back from a networking dinner of sorts. Have been going to quite a few of these. ") its fun in a way, but humm... Kind of tiring too with back to back events going on. . Feeling peacefully melancholic. I think its the beer.. I want a good sleep and a good hug

Dec is here!

The cold season is here. It has been drizzling or raining, with cool winds blowing and i love it! Had a chance to visit Shanghai on a short work trip, and it just feel nice walking down the roads with a 15 degrees temperature. The autumn leaves always make me feel very melancholic romantic.
Thankful for good exposure at work. It has been interesting, but also challenging with back to back events. Challenges my weaknesses at times.
Different things seem to demand my attention. I still like the quiet reading of a book in the still of the night. Managed to finish CS Lewis's A grief observed and Henri Nouwen's Turn my mourning into dancing. Both are v heartfelt books addressing heart issues. And i was grateful for the quiet comfort that they gave me nightly.
Not that im going thru v dire circumstances, but after a really busy packed day of going home like 8plus or 10plus, it helps to unwind and reflect. Sometimes there's a sudden terror in the night that hits me, or while i am waiting when im on the train, that sudden feeling of inadequacy, of not knowing whats ahead. Its a scary scary feeling of lost. Like u dont know what to anchor in, and everything is so fleeting.
Visit to pam and ben's little babe was nice, seeing the small little one in my arm so vulnerable and intricate, made me feel that God is the beautiful maker who holds my life in His hands and i am grateful. ")

alright this has been pretty random stuff. But yay, dec is here. My fave mth of giving, loving. The mth of Jesus's birth!