Who Am I?

It's a quiet contemplative saturday, and there are many things heavy on my mind.

After a long struggle of 6 mths, I finally tendered my resignation two weeks ago. God has opened new doors for me to work in a more corporate environment, though still a non profit. It was a great big struggle thinking abt the women, the children in the third world. My new job has an international exposure but relates mainly with the developed nations. But I think it would be great exposure and learning for me. =D My last day wld be on the 27 Aug, and my first day at my new job wld be on 1 sept.

I think I would probably have more thots as I go along, but mainly the past few mths has been a lot of identity crisis. Thinking abt who I am, what I like, what I am called to do, how God has created me, vs who people think I am, societal pressures...and making sense of which was which. There were many voices each calling out their own.

Did I betray myself in my choice of career? Betray the calling for the poor? I ask myself this ques again and again..whether I am compromising for a more comfortable place. I ask myself the same ques thinking abt my relationships with people...the things I love, the people I love. And then ultimately it came to my heart. I need to have a heart of integrity that honours God and is true to myself. ;] And so this is the question of identity.

I have come to realise that Christianity is not abt a set of rights and wrongs, rules and regulations, but being led by the Spirit. There is a great liberty that God gives to us....walking in r/s with Him.

Pray that I wld continue to know who I am in Him! =)

Loving means being vulnerable

If you know it is going to hurt, would you still love?

If you know it means being vulnerable, would you still love?

 

Our prodigal (lavishly abundant) God did.

 

These days, the quote by C.S. Lewis keeps popping up in my mind:

 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

 

Often we ask people to guard their hearts, but how do you guard your heart when it comes to loving?
Whether it is loving someone, loving a ministry, loving people you minister to etc. To love, brings you to a place of vulnerability. A possibility of being hurt & disappointed, as you open up your heart to someone and something. Maybe, loving with such abundance, is how our Father loved too? On the cross...whereby Jesus was in a position of vulnerability, because God loved the world so much that He gave His only son.

 

How then do we love? I think we can only do it with the Father's help.

The Simple Joys of Being

When I told my co-worker who is based in Cambodia that I had a heart for China, she said- u must have heard the wrong "C", the correct "C" should be Cambodia!

I didn't realise that working in GB or traveling to developing countries has given me such a low expectation of hotels and food. HY kept telling me her verse for me was "godliness with contentment is great gain". It really hadn't occurred to me how adaptable I had become in staying in low costs hotels and I have adapted to just having a roof over my head. (Though I haven't been to something really bad...like staying inside a slum house or...). I still like and enjoy the good life of course, and am experiencing in my comfortable home in Singapore daily.

The hotels in my recent China trip were of much more higher standard than I expected! There were hairdryers, toiletries, and they were clean. One even had rain showers.

The mountains reminded me of the Chengdu trip to the outskirts 2 years ago. The view was amazing. Maybe after running around so much, God just wanted me to be still and take stock of all He had brought me through. Huangshan appears to be a little more rocky, whereas Chengdu mountains were green.




I went to Shanghai and I am amazed by the tremendous development of the city. The skyscrappers, the long bridge, the night scene by the bund with golden litted buildings along it.



Its like nice beautiful scenes that we have along esplanade, and in a way more beautiful. It gives my heart a nice uplifting feeling. But these didn't cut through my heart.. Not like the mountains, the lakes, the rivers.

And as I reflect, why and when did China start meaning something to me? I think it was when I went to Yunnan for YEP. Then Sichuan. The mountains came together as a package with the kids with ruddy cheeks, sitting in cosy small huts/houses along fireplaces. The simple joy of Being.



And yes it was the same in Padang sitting in the house in a village, whereby blackout suddenly occured, and we were sitting in the living room drinking tea and chatting because there never was any TV there.

It was the same drinking Avocado juice in small cafes in Indonesia, that quaintness. And yes maybe some of that was found in Cambodia too, in those small cafes.
And how about the hawker centre at Penang. Penang Laksa and curry mee..and chats with loving people.

We went to the Shanghai expo, and I just couldn't "feel" it in Singapore booth, it was a nice architecture, but it felt cold, with a video showcasing how SG had moved from third world to first world.
Next to Indo booth and I felt the culture and diversity the land had. Next to Cambodia booth, though there was nothing much, sitting there sipping mango juice and laughing loudly was... Heavenly.



So since when did I develop a love for Cambodia and Indonesia I wonder?
And then I realise maybe it was never really about China.
It has all along been that simple joy of being that captured my heart.

A review

It became all apparent, as I was making my way home, on a very quiet night, that God had been so faithful in these 2 years. And my heart gives thanks for the sights and the smells that my senses had taken in.
I had been caught up for the past few mths to stay or go, so that I wasn't freed up to give thanks. There is so much to review, so much work that has been accomplished. And He was in it all.
It was fraught with its fair share of sorrows, after which the rainbow always came again.
I'm trotting into new happy land. I think I'm ready. Father help.