Memories

Nature has a way of helping us cope with difficult situations - the defence mechanism of "forgetting" or "repression".

This post is long overdued, and I guess it was because I was derailed by other stuff around the last few weeks of my work at my previous job. And now with greater clarity, I think the other stuff has affected me much more because there were all sorts of emotions that unconsciously were suppressed due to my job change.

Yes job change felt a bit like 2006, when I stepped down from being a CGL. The same kind of emotions invested in a ministry, the calling I had heard from God to go forth and step up, the same kind of sadness in leaving, the same feelings of loss, the same heart that continues to beat for the people I serve, and the same kind of weariness that comes with it.

It is indeed just a thin line between being jaded/bitter and becoming stronger. Each experience either leads you towards learning new things, or it leads you towards bitterness. The heart is the well-spring of life.

It is learning to trust, to let go, and to know that God has a season for everything.

In choosing my options after my previous job, one of the options was to go on to the Discipleship Training School at YWAM. I chose my current job instead, good exposure and organization and international work. A stepping stone, I believe, to what lies ahead.

The past few months I have been derailed...or rather...I have been distracted. And it has been good..actually.. I believe it is part of the process that I need to go through, that process of surrender, and of knowing God's grace. Which is even difficult to explain here.

I guess the distraction was more painful, because I am/was unwilling to face up to my pain of loss from my previous job, and it kind of added on to it. Sigh. I love the ministry with all my heart. To love at all, is to be vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis puts it. Pastor Edmund Chan says, people think that leadership gets easier with time, but it doesn't, it only gets harder. That's why leaders need to persevere.

My current job has been interesting, and its a whole new world. In terms of meaningfulness, it can no way measure up to my previous job of helping women and children, and the looking forward of trips to developing countries. And yes I must pray. Pray and ask how and where He is leading me.

Christmas wind down..

The Christmas season makes one feel abit dreary cos the weather is cold. And winter seems to mark the end of many things. Plants stop growing in winter, animals hibernate. And yes, it is a month of farewells.
Its not always so dreary as it comes with the festive moods, the gatherings, the hymms, singing etc. Maybe a better word would be "reflective".

Fell ill and on MC today. Went into office in the morning to send out a paper. And now I am back at home! Felt better and decided to work a bit on my report. This year end, work doesn't seem to wind down! But there is still a lot of activities on-going. My body is protesting...I haven't managed to go to the gym this week! :X

But with rest, comes energy to walk the next year. With death, comes life. With farewells, comes hello to new things.

Farewell 2010.......soon...counting down.. it has been a challenging year, and a year to remember.. its a significant year whereby I understand God never lets me go. :)

The stump

I simply love it how CS Lewis puts in his book this part in 'A grief observed':
"Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another... If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one- legged man... His whole way of life will be changed."

Perhaps, thats what i meant abt the uniqueness of an individual, a friend or person who has been part of yr life, and his/her leaving and other people coming in doesn't constitute a replacement. U have lost a leg.

Could it be an operation for appendicitis that feels like a leg has been lost? Afterall, may be it isn't that great a lost- when the brain becomes clear and sanity is restored.

Or could our good God cause the leg to regrow again and make it completely whole? What really is the complete healing that He brings? Would the heart that has been broken be completely whole again?

No answers for that.. Or could the hole in the heart be replaced by someone else? Maybe, that doesn't solve the fundamental problem of the heart that has a hole.

-------
just back from a networking dinner of sorts. Have been going to quite a few of these. ") its fun in a way, but humm... Kind of tiring too with back to back events going on. . Feeling peacefully melancholic. I think its the beer.. I want a good sleep and a good hug

Dec is here!

The cold season is here. It has been drizzling or raining, with cool winds blowing and i love it! Had a chance to visit Shanghai on a short work trip, and it just feel nice walking down the roads with a 15 degrees temperature. The autumn leaves always make me feel very melancholic romantic.
Thankful for good exposure at work. It has been interesting, but also challenging with back to back events. Challenges my weaknesses at times.
Different things seem to demand my attention. I still like the quiet reading of a book in the still of the night. Managed to finish CS Lewis's A grief observed and Henri Nouwen's Turn my mourning into dancing. Both are v heartfelt books addressing heart issues. And i was grateful for the quiet comfort that they gave me nightly.
Not that im going thru v dire circumstances, but after a really busy packed day of going home like 8plus or 10plus, it helps to unwind and reflect. Sometimes there's a sudden terror in the night that hits me, or while i am waiting when im on the train, that sudden feeling of inadequacy, of not knowing whats ahead. Its a scary scary feeling of lost. Like u dont know what to anchor in, and everything is so fleeting.
Visit to pam and ben's little babe was nice, seeing the small little one in my arm so vulnerable and intricate, made me feel that God is the beautiful maker who holds my life in His hands and i am grateful. ")

alright this has been pretty random stuff. But yay, dec is here. My fave mth of giving, loving. The mth of Jesus's birth!

The juxtaposition of rich and poor...glitz and blipz

7 Nov:
We are about the same age. I stay in the terrace house, he constructs the condo down the streets and stays in the workers domitory. There's nothing that I earned that caused the disparity. He was born in Bangladesh where he stays in a village with not many job opportunities. And I was born in Singapore into a responsible family and a nation with equal job opportunities. Can I not then look him in the eye as an equal?

12 Nov:
Sitting in a cab post work dinner event, home. Down Orchard Road. Glitz and Blitz along the road...Big malls with shiny silvery lights. And down the ECP, passing the lovely condos along the river...
I like the high life. I like the city.....Its a nice quiet night..

And I am so blessed. I have so much.
And I have so little.

Relationships vs task

It was a really busy week for me, working until 8plus or 9plus daily, and having a night event on Saturday. I was pleasantly blessed and surprised that my colleagues all extended a hand to help me. And stayed back with me to complete some tasks. It is certainly different from my task oriented outlook, i.e. quickly complete it, even if it is to do it solo.

This morning, I really crawled out of my bed, and didn't feel like I had slept... at 525am. I was going to run the Great Eastern 10km run!
This was the beginning of my mama drama day. I was already running on a tight time, and as I sat down on the bench waiting for the MRT to come, I smsed my friend I was gonna be late. I started tying my shoe laces with the tracking device too. The lady next to me started chatting and asking if I was running the race. We chatted and walked into the MRT..
By the time I reached Paya Lebar MRT, I realised to my horror that my hp was not with me!! The lady offered to let me call my hp, it rang! I knew I would be late if I headed back, but I decided to anyway. The MRT back to Tanah Merah was an extremely long one.. felt like it anyway. The phone was not there anymore! No one left anything at the control station.

I decided to still go for the run even though I was horribly late. I reached esplanade MRT at 720am (7am was the flag off time), and to my surprise, I saw my friend YX still standing there waiting for me! On her face was not a look of impatience, she was worried and asked me what happened. She lent me her phone and everything....And we decided to run the 5km race instead of the 10km. boo! But I was touched cos I think I would have gone for the run first if the roles were reversed. Fr YX I learnt she valued friendships more than any run or experience... Which.....me being very task driven, might have chosen the task instead.

Went back home and tried to lock my phone etc. so the person couldn't use it, but to no avail. Went to church and after svc, I met J, who quickly offered to lend me her hp (which I am using now). Its a sony ericson phone which is quite functional.

Went for a missions talk, and then got a ride from D. We ate waffles and drank bubble tea which helped to cheer me up a little. Got a ride to tampines to get a new SIM card and a ride home. :)
The Singtel person said phone will take 1-3 days to activate. I was horrified. I felt handicapped without my phone.

I got home, charged the functional phone. And decided to try it after abt 1 hour. The SIM card was already activated!! YAHOO!! I am no longer feeling handicapped.

And my dad said his plan is due for renewal, and I can use his plan...and take the new hp for myself........ He himself is using my old nokia phone...

And this whole experience makes me realise:
- I am surrounded by great friends and lovely people
- God provides in the most dire circumstances (link to point 3)
- Losing a handphone (yes even though it is 4 mths old smart phone) doesn't make a disaster. It is not really a dire circumstance
- Letting go of photos, messages and some memories that were important to me.... stored in the phone..... Is hard.. But may be for my own good... Everything that I hold....with open hands to God

Praying for whoever that found the hp to return it to the MRT station control today. I shall ask again tmr. I pray for him/ her to turn from his/her wicked ways!! And repent! Who is he/she? Is he/she in such dire need?

P/s the tenses in this blog are all over the place... pardon me...who slept 4.5 hrs last night.. x.x

What it would take to Love again?

Im not quite sure how people view me. Some think im loud, friendly. Some think im quiet. Is it important how others view me? I guess over the years ive become more chatty and friendly. But actually deep inside im quite a private person. I cant do without my daily bouts of silence. Alone. Reading, reflecting, journaling and praying. I like sitting at starbucks or mos burger where it is quiet, to read and write. Be by myself. Though i have many friends, there are only few who i really open up my life to share with.

I guess it began when i started helping out in a youth cell grp 8 years or so ago. I used to be this really quiet shy girl in sec sch, who was afraid to speak up. I thank my previous church for its teachings on being empowered, on speaking boldly with confidence. And in a youth cell, its essential to talk more to engage the youths. And so it evolved, as i saw each person as created in the image of God. I began to take an interest in each person.

Maybe, like.. my childhood dream was to be a psychologist or counsellor. And i have the gift of compassion or empathy, or mercy when i listen to people sharing. Recently being able to listen to people again has been a blessing. It takes a great lot to listen and care for others from the heart, because it brings with it pain. It is easier to listen with the brains and process it thru. And sometimes im not sure how much of my heart shd get involved.

So anyway.. Even tho i have many friends, there are those few ones whom i really treasure. And i pour out my love and trust on the few. And i am thankful for their friendship. Friends who believe in me, and vice versa. And i hope i may extend my heart to others again with wisdom, it is difficult after experiencing certain heartaches in the past. Difficult without experiencing the grace of God daily.

What is real?

We are bombarded with so much information everyday, and we make decisions everyday. Every decision leads us to different decisions, and different routes and so on. Meeting different kind of people and reading different kinds of literature causes u to make different decisions,
What is real? Could what feels good be the decision I should make, and can my emotions be trusted? What if all the ones I trusted tell me something different from my emotions? It seems safer to follow what everyone says rather than rely on my emotions.
Truth is only relative to the bible, which is God's measure of truth. But then, what if my interpretation is different from yours?
And so...every decision makes us who we are today. And i must choose wisely...
It leads me to this question... Who is God really to me, in my life, in the World? That is surely the compass in which I lead my life...

Surprised, because, what I thought I heard from God turned out different. Disappointed, because, the word I thought I would receive from who I trusted turned out different. Lonely, because its hard to share with anyone else if who I trust for guidance isn't on same page as me. This is cryptic, because, to be honest, I don't fully grasp what I am thinking of too. My inner compass is at war with what I see and hear. And i know speaking the truth in Love hurts. But why does the truth seem so much like what I feel rather than what is being said to me?

Its like elementary sch over and over again when i thought that I had already gotten it.....
Grace. Father help...

Going International

I have started my new job for coming to a month...
Briefly what I do - we make friends for a better world! :) My role is to connect with internationals in Singapore, and since I started I have met international students, working expats in SG, MBA students etc, and also gone to the China Embassy! It has been fun in these sessions, getting to meet different people and finding more about them! Today I went cycling with four of them, and we cycled from Kallang to Esplanade to Clark Quay to Boat Quay to Robertson Quay, along the river and back. We also learnt about the water ways and reservoirs in Singapore, and we picked up some litter along the way. My cycling skills are... so-s0... and I kind of wobbled and fell a bit for a few times along the narrow paths. But overall it was great fun connecting with the different people and experiencing new things. It was great fun cycling for the first time in the city area!

I have decided that..or rather realised that... there is an adventurous streak in me that refuses to live a normal life. Normal is up to us to define, but I guess may be I could say I like to try new things that I have not tried before.

My new work is "atas"/high class, as in its no longer about living or staying in villages and traveling budget airlines. But it is international and great exposure to different people and cultures. I feel like meeting and connecting with people without a economic agenda is very fun. I feel completely in my element.

Do I forget the sights, smells of the people in the past. No.
I learn to be content in much and in little. And I hope it is a process of growth.

Yesterday night was strange, on the MRT, 2 ladies tapped me on the shoulder and asked me what time was the last MRT. I said I didn't know but we started chatting and they are from Malaysia! :D It was interesting knowing about them and they were so friendly.

So yes, I guess I am going international!! And someday maybe.. I will marry a.... International! :) The chances of living an adventurous life is higher isn't it? And the chances of jetsetting into foreign land. I love Singapore for its safety, its melting pot culture etc ( now in my new job I think a lot abt SG and what is unique about us). But its like there is a great big world out there and its exciting! =)

Personal Fulfilment

I'm starting to get really busy with..
Work..
Business.. (dothingsdifferent.com)
GB (yes I am still a volunteer with community development)
Church (missions committee)

I don't find my worth in my work. But work and voluntary stuff are fulfilling. I'm thankful. In terms of career and personal development, I don't know if I would want to be in any other situation than I am now.
I am happy =D

We are joyful when we think of the things we have in gratefulness. We are sad when we think we should have certain things but have not.
But lets focus on what we have and give thanks.