That very first joy...

The first joy of seeing the kids with rosy cheeks
The first joy of hearing a little kid say I am pretty
The first joy of seeing chinese with hands lifted up high in worship
The first joy of holding the hand of the lady we helped built houses for
The first joy of singing worship songs in chinese....then in Bahasa...
The first joy of praying for the lady in the corner, crying

Oh Lord..
Help me find back that first joy of serving You.
My heart is weary...my body is tired....
But my life is Yours. And I believe in You.

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Still don't manage to hit the quota of daily words...the office is quiet...except for the ocassional talk with M which I am thankful for...
Last minute things to do....deadlines to meet...smses late in the night and early in the morning and on my off days asking me abt wrk.

It seems so much easier to be a volunteer. And I am whinning to God.

What I am thankful for...
Exciting projects coming up...Lives getting impacted...women getting employed...children getting educated.

Of sickness, weight-loss and nightmare....

I've been ill for the past few days...started with some indigestion, then diarrhoa. :S Been feeling weak! Went to the gym yest, and the instructor asked me to stop after 30 min, cos I was weak, cldn't lift the weights nor do the climbing machine properly. heh...and we did the in-body thing, and my muscles weight decreased! Overall I've lost 1 kg of weight. Not sure if its due to my sickness or due to the busyness at work!

Yah...so I've been feeling tired again! I know this keeps cropping up. Sigh, i wished I knew the solution to being perky and refreshed. I think its really tiring even if its just a normal work week, as by the time I get home there is so little time to do anything! And even if I sleep at 12am......its 6+ hrs of sleep, and it doesn't feel enough!

Last night I had a nightmare, of a turtle biting me. When the alarm clock rang, I thought that the turtle was still biting me, and I had to make a conscious effort to wake myself up, and to my relief realise that it was a dream. Lots of pent up anxieties.

I don't know how...Pls keep me in prayers! =D

Vengence is mine- says the Lord

Just came bk from WL's wedding dinner! =) It was nice at a restaurant in Labrador Park, with a live band. So happy to meet all my ex-colleagues again. I miss them! Its comfortable to be in an environment whereby I can be myself. I think they bring out the extroverted and crazy side of me.

Last week, I almost wanted to react to an email. While talking to my colleague, I almost teared! It was due to an accumulation of vented up frustration. I gave myself up to 6pm, for God to speak to me, otherwise I would react. And then at ard 545, a VCF senior whom I hadn't been talking to for some time suddenly msged me! And I chatted with him and told him my situation. Thank God that he processed my feelings with me, and adviced me against reacting. I prayed and committed the situation to God, and told Him that vengence is His (Thank God also for the reminder from another friend in the morning).

The other interesting thing was, I finished reading 3 Kings by Gene Edwards just the night before. I wanted to read it since mths ago, was prompted by the Holy Spirit to read, but didn't. In the end I finished it in one night, since it was very easy to read. Its a very thought provoking book that analysed Saul, David and Absolom. Sometimes we face Sauls in our lives and we think we are a David. But actually sometimes it is due to the Saul nature in us that we view others as Saul. Maybe that Saul is a David instead. But whatever the case, God is the one who anoints His leaders, and He has a reason for bringing certain people into our lives. And God treasures brokenness in our lives. I wonder how much more gotto break on the inside of me.

Thank God anyway that I didn't react that day, and prayed. The next day, I felt an increased compassion, and that oppressive fear was gone. =) I'm thankful that God allows crisis in our lives, so that He can set us free, use us more, draw us close to Him.

What really matters??

I usually have some anxiety before I travel for work...this time is no different. =D
Feeling the stress...even though it will just be one weekend at Aceh. Some plans are not firmed up yet, and I feel worried....
Thank God for frens who are praying for me, and listening to my venting =)

Do pray for me pls!

2 days ago I installed some anti-virus software, and my comp suddenly went mad...basically my profile got corrupted, and my docs and emails all disappeared. Though I know its somewhere in the C: drive. I was a bit upset....but not THAT upset. What got me upset....precious email correspondences with frens, social enterprise documents, some pics that had not yet been saved, my thesis....etc etc...thank God it was all in the C: drive.
So anyway, mum prayed for us, and I was a skeptic, standing behind the comp, but praying inwardly as well. And suddenly, everything came back! My profile cld be loaded and the settings all set properly. =D It was amazing. And thank God for my mum's faith.
So anyway, I realise that nothing is permanent. But what got me upset abt losing at that time...indicates the things that matter to me...
Thank God I still have my faith in JESUS. =)

So...I'm starting to sound incoherent...and I want to get my 7 hrs of sleep.....this has been an untypical post of sorts!

I really want to know Him...

Life has been busy!! Saturday I had three meetings in a row, starting from 9am and ending at 7pm. I've been averaging 5-6 hrs daily. And I am so exhausted. Even on sundays, I have to wake up at 730am now for church, since service now starts at 10am, and its at Woodlands!

Glad for last night's time for dinner and meaningful conversation, I was so blessed that Ed managed to show me things that I didn't realise abt myself and about God.
This afternoon it was lunch with DG mates, then my favourite step boarding class at the gym. And then tmr is my off day, and I realise that Wed there is a public holiday hurrah!

Exciting things are happening at work, but also terribly challenging. I'm still passionate abt it though. And I told my fren today, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else now, or I can't think of anywhere else that I rather be. Cos in spite of the challenge, there's this underlying motivation underneath. And yup....thinking of women getting trained in livelihood skills, children getting taught....expanding into different parts of Asia, makes my heart leap for joy. Pray for me...again, I am not embarrassed abt asking for prayer, bcos prayer must be the anchor to everything that we do, and resources are tight in every aspect, the work can't be accomplished if I just look at the physical realm. And together with progress comes spiritual warfare too.

I'm learning efficacy, not efficiency. Becoming more and more Covenantal in thinking. I realise it applies a lot to my job. Cos there's time limited issues that must be resolved, so being the Type A person that I am, I feel very anxious....really worried about things. But then I also realise that some things are not abt being efficient at all, but trusting in God's timing.

At a meeting on thur nite, my boss very joyfully and excitedly said that serving God was easy, bcos it was God who put all things together. There was so much joy when she said that. I cld sense this "knowingness" she had with God. I felt a mixture of feelings at the same time. Really, just longing for the same sense of knowingness and intimacy with God, that I may say with JOY, nothing to worry about anything, GOD is sovereign and in control. But daily....it is a taking up of the cross daily, to cruxify the thoughts that are not life-giving. To give thanks in all. And gratitude, is the antidote to negativity. =)

So yah...hope that my inner life with God will continue to grow. Hope to know His love that casts out all fears, to know the depths, the heights of His love.

Trusting in God's hands

I'm feeling the stress at work as the coming week and Oct looks busy. =p Just confirmed I will be flying to Indonesia for 2 trips during the mth, and I am excited! But at the same time there is so much to plan, esp for one of the trips. And the daily coordination work for the teams going to Cambodia fr Oct to Dec remains, well I also must figure out how to ship 25 monitors and CPUs to Cambodia as they don't have boxes (anyone has lobang to ship computers). And then to not be reactionary and plan long term processes and workflows....I'm stressed, and have dreamt about work a few times already.
And....the signs...I'm doing work on my off days, over my home PC. Thinking abt work in my mind and planning stuffs.

Though, today's reading of Isaiah was so appropriate. Abt quietness and rest, trusting in God, and not in the strength of horses or armies.

Dear God, help me not to take things in my own hands, but to trust and rest in You.

Do pray for me! =)I need it.

Was encouraged during the service on Sunday. When leadership was defined. I was glad that it was about knowing "I can't, but God can", and accepting responsibility for God's calling. Realise I'm a very unwilling leader, but all it takes, God seemed to be asking was- Are u willing? Its a paradox that restedness does not come from avoiding responsibility, but it comes from acceptance of it, and knowing that it is God who has called and He will accomplish His plans.

Restedness

I'm supposed to be studying for my IDT test tonight- bible memory verses and other concepts, but I ended up watching TV, and then went to hunt for treasures on my Facebook Fluff pets. =] Tmr I am on leave! Giving myself a short break, plus going to study for test.

My heart has reached a restful state. I can say it is at peace. And there are even feelings of thankfulness and silent joys on the inside. Daily I am understanding God's love. Its a very precious season of restfulness in Him, and knowing how much He loves me. I find that these days there never fails to be silver linings in the cloud, such that if I feel bad about something, almost always someone will encourage me, or something will make me feel thankful. =P Maybe I didn't notice that in the past...but these days I do feel thankful.

I've started reading C.S. Lewis's Four Loves. Prior to this, I was reading another book on friendships and relationships. It is pretty enlightening defining the different kinds of love I must say. Though in the past, I kind of just lumped them all together. And even more enlightening to know of the vast LOVE of God. C.S. Lewis in his introduction said that as humans, we definitely feel some form of "need-love" towards God, instead of "gift-love". That's so true, because no matter how we try to be noble about our love towards God, ultimately, we are recipients of His gracious love.

In last sunday's sermon, I enjoyed Pastor Kay Kiong's expounding of 2 Corinthians, whereby he talked about God gives the most of all. Its only when we are receipients of God's love that we can give of God's love. He shared a story of this mynmar missionary who lived on US$35 a month, and yet he adopted 4 kids with his wife. U know...christians who demonstrate this kind of love...the only reason they can do it, is because they have experienced the grace of God, and have understood (really understood and received in their hearts) the love of God. And ultimately realise that it is God who has given the most of all. Yah, and ofcos God's work will never lack God's supplies if we do it in His way.

I'm starting to enjoy work as well. Today we had a prayer meeting, and one of the experienced staff who quit, and came back to help out, prayed a very long prayer for our ministry and the poeple and all that. As she prayed, I felt the presence of God strongly in the place. I was encouraged by the depth of her prayer and I can tell in order to have this kind of prayer, she must have spent time with God in her own prayer closet on a consistent basis. I pray that I may carry God's presence into my work place as well, and carry it to the places where I go, carry it to the volunteers who I meet and speak to. Its sweet that not just one person, but a few persons prayed for me abt my job, edified me in one way or another....so even though it is not a very easy journey, I am assured He is with me, and I'm growing on the inside.

Yah...i pray i may bask in His love, and truly understand, "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Eph 3:17-19
I pray this for the ones I love, for my dear frens. And for myself.

Thankfulness

Met up with some youths (and the slighly less youthful but still younger than me :) ) from my ex-cell grp yesterday. =D
We had Popeye Chicken at the airport.
Thankful for the happy fellowship we had. Of being able to enjoy each other's company!
I miss them so much. Miss hanging out with them and sharing about Christ together.
Good to see how each one has grown! And to reflect upon what has passed. At one point of sharing, I felt Jesus in our midst.

Came home and after i had settled down with my bible and Camomile tea, heard noises below at the door. Went down to survey the door but saw nothing. And then suddenly I had this thankful feeling that everyone was safe at home. And became thankful that I was blessed in my comfortable home. So many things to be thankful about but I've been like complaining and whinning about stuffs!

There was this fear that shrouded my room. I was not sure why either. But prayed through, sang songs and quoted scriptures until it became more peaceful. These days spiritual warfare seems to be quite strong. But that only shows that I am helping to advance God's Kingdom. Praying for protection against fear and anxiety, and a deep sense of His abiding presence. =)

I've been blogging a bit more than usual this week. Thankful in a way...that I can articulate what I think again...

What I really hope..

It's simply mind boggling thinking of how to fit 16 teams into our schedule within 3 months in Oct to Dec.
Different teams with different agendas- but mainly, to expose the young girls/youths to poverty and the world out there beyond their comfort zones. =P
We will acheive this objective well-enough. I really hope that it doesn't just expose them to poverty, but that they will have time to reflect and apply what they have learnt when they come back.
I wish that I could conduct training for them. If I knew how to do so...
Sometimes I wonder if their "children" programme really helps the children. I really hope we meet some needs of the people there.

I hope what is being done matters...even if it is picking up one starfish at a time from the shore.

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Didn't sleep very well last night, woke up intermittently. Like at 4am....5am....6am...and then it was time to wake up for work! :P
I'm feeling the stress at work. Partly cos I have high expectations. But partly cos there are all sorts of structures that need to be put in place. One job that does admin, accounting, PR, communications, coordinations. ;p
Passion....pure passion drives me...
I wished sometimes tho, that I were the one going for the community service trip. I kind of miss being there with the children and the youths....
I wished sometimes I were leading the youths going there...so I can do some reflections and sharings with them. ;p

Sometimes I wish to be just dreaming by the beach......sleeping....drinking my Camomile tea and reading my good book...
Sometimes...I wanna be the super hero...slaying the giants and killing the evil ones. Let justice and peace reign. Yeah. =)

In all of the times, prayer is the thing that moves mountains, that fights the battles...that are won not by horses and strong armies, but won by the Spirit of God. ;p

Fulfilling a destiny

I watched one of the most wonderful movies yesterday night- Kung Fu Panda. Guess where? Yup, we watched it at the Leaders Empowerment session in church.
There were so much life lessons to learn from it. Even biblical lessons. I felt God spoke to me in a very personal way thru the movie.
Po- a fat panda who dreams to be a Kung Fu master, sells noodles in a shop with his dad. He knows nuts abt Kungfu, but somehow Master Wu Gui chose him to be the KungFu master. Shifu- a mouse with powerful Kung Fu skills, was tasked to train Po, so that he could fight Tai Lung- an ambitious leopard. Shifu and everyone else thought Wu Gui was crazy to choose the fat panda. When Master Wu Gui was telling Shifu to believe in Po- that he had a destiny to be the Kung Fu master, and only Po could defeat Tai Lung. Distinctly, God whispered to me "I believe in you". I was touched because in the end, Po did defeat Tai Lung, by being himself- whatever he was wired to be at the start -chopsticks, food, and woks-and most of all, he was certain of his identity as Kung Fu master.
Really, at the end of the day, it is not abt our own strengths, but it is about our calling in God. Whatever God has called, He will fulfill. If only we knew our identity in Him.

Crazy busy and tiring week prior to this movie. But a series of divine meetings and words from different ones, affirmed God's calling for me at this time. Met my own "Master Wu Gui"s in the office...people who believe in me. And actually at the end of the day, whether people believe in me pales much in comparison, to the Great God who believes in me, who sees the potential within me. Even in those days when I feel like a clumsy fat panda.....He sees something more. I don't have to be anyone else but me. Thank U Lord.