My current lifestage....

I had a meeting last night until 930pm. So I am super tired this morning as I only slept at 130am after eating my dinner, practicing my guitar and reading and praying. Technically I can get time off this morning, but I came in on time (just 5 min late), trying to be a heroine to rush out all my work!

Yesterday's night meeting was on a training trip to Indonesia that 3 of my volunteers will be embarking on. My heart is probably going to fly partially with them, because I was almost supposed to go on the trip. But in the end, I submitted to the decision of the leadership, and also feel that another volunteer should go and be exposed since I have been going on so many trips already. Another one of life's mini-surrenders. I really miss the people at Malang though..the bible school students, the cool atmosphere, and yeah...away fr the hussle and bussle.

But it struck me that now, I have changed roles.....I am becoming more and more like a mobilizer. I don't just go, I encourage others to go, and now we are planning mission trip training for leaders etc to equip them. Likewise in my role at church with the youths. It is interesting! Because it also takes a certain surrender, in that it always feels more fun and inspiring to be there on the ground. Who wants to do the admin details and sit in the office! grr..eek eek. But yet much needed processes and systems need to be set in place, so that anyone who takes over can carry on from there. I am glad at least some procedures are up!

And then even as I got home, and I thought about what we had discussed on training, i.e. what women there need. I realise that each one of us bring ourselves and our experiences overseas, and as I was thinking abt what expertise I can offer - not in education or nutrition or healthy living. And then I recalled, O yes, I have spent 4 years studying Business & Finance, including management, marketing etc. Business is a general degree to many, but I think whatever I have learnt is useful in life. Suddenly I thought of CAPM model, and risk free rates and statistics and significance and maslow and purchasing power parity...surely all these knowledge should not go to waste? I should impart or apply them in some way. And you know, I actually NEVER regretted taking Business. If I had to choose all over again, I can recall as clear as the blue sky why I did not choose social work or psychology. I like business....And getting to know about Social Entrepreneurship was just an instant wow! Marrying social needs and business.

And so....I'm starting to have clarity on issues, and I am thankful. =)

I like to be normal

Just came back from wedding dinner of a good friend from Bizad, and was on a table of people who I hardly knew. But I enjoyed good conversation with a Bizad senior who happened to work in the non profit sector for 2 years too! I miss my bizadder friends and hanging ard with my peers...

On Saturday, I enjoyed good conversations with my friends from GIC too. All the ex colleagues who are around my age!! I miss the fun blanter and laughter!

I don't really miss the job. But I guess, I miss being in a place of comfort, i.e. hanging out with people sharing similar culture, background and life stage. I miss being in a "normal" place. And being in normal places reminds me of how conventional I really am. And maybe, it makes me think of who I really am created to be, what makes me tick, what makes me happy and satisfied. At the end of the day, it is not abt suffering for suffering sake. It is about being at the right place at the right time where God calls me to be. And who knows 9 months from now, it may still be in the non profit, or it could jolly well be in the mkt place. I miss the mkt place and the people there. ;p

These angsty feelings on the inside are strangely gone....I feel that my heart is in a more rested place.. Attended a YWAM training for mission trip leaders on sat too, and Jo Chean as inspiring as ever...he said we are not God, but we should ask God where our role is, in fulfilling God's dream for Asia- i.e. the knowledge of the glory of God will cover the earth.

Lost and Found

I was at the Bedok Reservoir last night.
Standing under the dark blue sky, whilst the ripples of water glistened under the bright half moon. It was beautiful.

It was where it started and where it ended its final note.

Good bye, my Love.

It was beautiful while it lasted. And the Beautiful memories are etched in my mind.

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Listening to this song in the morning. And thought of the man who found the pearl in the bible and sold all he had, because he found it. He found the Kingdom of God.
I've been searching...trying to find...that elusive something to satisfy me.

God found me, and brought me back to Himself. I thought of the God who would search for the one lost sheep...the one missing coin...

Last night I lost something, but this morning I felt joyful amidst the sorrow. Because somehow...I found Jesus. Or rather,
Jesus found me.

Sun Ho- Eternal Blossom
我怕 我失去我自己
像摔坏的玩具
该这么缝補
空洞的眼睛

想哭 找不到理由哭
呼吸已经麻痹
一百个谎言
是我的面具

到底 谁来救赎这封闭的世界
我不想孤独面对我自己
救我 脱离一切

终于我 找到了你
就像一朵不凋零的花
我的心 像被你紧紧拥抱的小孩
你就是爱 永远不会更改

The joys of Volunteerism

Just finished watching Channel U's Stars for a Cause featuring Mindee Ong. Enjoyed it a lot. Reminded me of my first volunteer trip to Yunnan to a village school and playing with the kids. Reminded me of giving tuition to quiet kids when I was in Interact Club. The joys of volunteerism- It always reminds one how vast the universe is, how diverse people are, and being able to share love and care to someone is always a blessing to the one who showers love. It makes one wonder, who can I not forgive? No issue is too big to overcome with that milk of human kindness.

Yes volunteerism....maybe I should become a volunteer again. Mingling with the kids, loving them, hugging them. Kiddos clammering all around me. ;P

And then one wonders is volunteerism afterall not altruistic but you know...a fulfilment of self. Actually when one goes into volunteerism, a big no no attitude is to think that I want to help someone, and I can make an impact. Because actually after the "fun" dies down, we are merely just sojourners of a person's life. And we leave footprints...but in humility, recognizing that there is nothing much we can do to help someone...except to extend that hand of love, and receive back the lessons that the other has to teach. No wonder whenever you hear of people going into rural areas, they say that they receive more than they give. Its true....service learning...I serve you so that I can learn from you... There is so much to learn from the simple joys of the rural people...And even amongst the city dwellers- the abandoned, aged, children, etc, maybe in their eyes, you see a reflection of yourself. And what can we do...except to love and extend that hand of love towards fellow mankind. =)

So inspired that I finished this post in 10 min, in a groggy state of mind.

Humdrum...

The deepest thoughts are the hardest to share. Which explains my long periods of silences. Some thoughts need processing, some are too personal on a blog. Which leaves the frivalous, and may not be so meaningful to share!

Sometimes the will of God befuddles me! Sometimes I pray and I thought I heard... but it somehow doesn't end up according to whatever I heard! Ofcos the answer could be yes, no or wait, and I never know! But yup I was nursing some wounds and now July, I am feeling so much so much better. Yay! Thank God!

July is a busy month with all sorts of meeting up. Ex-colleagues and more ex-colleagues, ex classmates/ sch friends, church friends, Philippines trip friends etc etc. Had dinner with an ex colleague last night with her friend at Love the World Soul Rock Cafe and I talked about my philippines trip and the things I had learnt, and they were touched! How glad I am.... And today I met another stranger at a prayer meeting, and she was so facinated by my job.

Though the novelty of a job ends after some time, it also means that the steep learning curve starts to straighten. The humdrum begins, the new rythmn starts. Its not monotony for me, definitely not. Its like waves and waves of new things, new situations to handle, and new stressful deals. But u get used to the waves coming up, and u know that the waves will eventually settle down into peace....Speaking from experience, God has delivered again and again.

So in a sense, July is a good month =) More activities coming up, and August too. It was good that there was a time for recess in June before things go full blown again. Recess meaning being forced to work from home! =p And being self quarantined...

And so...the Father has His reasons for different seasons in our lives. What is not meant to be will not be. Though affections die hard, and desires remain when they are retriggered!
But as I was pondering today the meaning of faith.....I reread Heb 11 several times about the men of Faith that the bible mentions.....
Faith...the substance of things hoped for, the prove of the things unseen...
It is holding on to the God who loves us...who never lets us go, and who knows what is best for us. It is NOT naming or claiming whatever we want. It IS praying for what He has promised to come to pass.

A volunteer said to me that I have a very sweet spirit. And I asked, what do you mean by sweet spirit. She said...very gentle.....something along that lines. And I was secretly very pleased. Because I guess I always wanted to be more rough, more eloquent etc.....but being gentle is also a positive characteristic uh? =)2 Peter says that God is pleased with a gentle and quiet spirit.

Fussing over hair

Yesterday I went to have my hair cut and also highlighted. And it was strange how when Mike - my hairdresser was fussing around with my hair that I thought of B- a christian sister I had met in a village in China. Its a village in high multitudes, and she was the only christian there. Because they don't have bathing facilities there, the people hardly bathe. And we hadn't bathe for a few days. So B offered to wash our hair for us. It was funny using the tap outside her house, and her putting the shampoo on for us in the cold weather, massaging our heads. It was very fun, and I felt very loved! I think there's a little child in me that still loves to have someone wash my hair for me and fuss over me.

Nothing much to update. Except that I have been pretty uptight about some work issues. But then for the past few days, learning to let go. And I actually dreamt about work! Its a signal I think, to let go and not want to be in control over situations I have no control over. And also to stop doing things I am not required or called to do!

Quite looking forward to meeting up with some friends this week- esp my ex colleagues tmr. =) Catching up with people has been good....

Alright! Thats all for updates for now!

The Shadow of the Almighty

June came and would be gone soon. The sweltering weather that left us drenched with perspiration. I slept with the aircon on for almost the whole month.
Last week I spent 3 nights in the Village School in Kalimantan, and the weather was so hot too! But no aircon. It wasn't really the weather, but I couldn't sleep well, drifting in and out of sleep with my mind heavy.

Traveling for work has its plus and minus points. Plus- see many beautiful sights, of lovely people. And learn of ministries that have been started for years, and the hard work and prayer that have gone into it. These always make me feel so encouraged, cos I know God works in my brothers and sisters overseas, and it is only Him who can convict hearts to serve Him in such a manner. So yes, my heart is often uplifted and sings praises to Him, seeing the work amongst His people. People who are so different culturally, but so similar in that we worship the one and same almighty God.

Minus- seeing more, also means feeling more for the people. Seeing the needs can be so overwhelming. Learning about the hardships and struggles that people go through make me sad. And planning for trips and praying for people to go for trips sometimes is such an uphill task. Realise if I'm not careful, it just becomes one trip after the next, and I lose focus as to why I am doing what I am doing in the first place.

H1N1 scare. I had to be self quarantined for 3 times, now being the third. First after Philippines, second after a volunteer suspected of H1N1 (b4 I flew to Indonesia), third now! Indonesia has strangely only reported 2 cases (haha, do u believe them???), but its listed under the countries affected. So students who have been to Indonesia need to quarantine themselves for 7 days after trip. I went back to office on Fri, but boss asked me to work from home yesterday (sat) since there were lots of girls coming. I had a minor cough and was sneezy yesterday. And there was this oppressive fear in my head...what if I got the flu, what if I pass it to someone yadda yadda. Fear not bcos I am afraid abt my own health, but more so about affecting people. In the evening I got better, and I went out to watch a concert with HY, Jas and ZW. Heh...Are you going Tsk Tsk now?

I'm feeling better today, but I'm feeling SO SO SO super tired. I think its the accumulated lack of sleep. I really don't know how to rest!!! I feel so out of my element resting. I slept today until 11am, drifting in and out of sleep since 10am. And then I listened to a sermon, and then slotted my philippines photos, prayed and then cooked lunch. Facebooked a bit, and had to reply smses from volunteer, before going back to sleep again, and waking up to reply smses abt work again (sigh!). Actually rest is really not a physical thing, but emotional and spirtual. I am praying on Psalms 91, that God will protect me under the shadow of His wings.

But yes, sleep has been so good, and I'm still so tired and exhausted now actually. But in my mind, I'm thinking, am I supposed to be working on something or not...or what...or reply emails...or.....?

Heh....I salute u if u manage to finish reading this, cos this has been a lot of ranting. =) I appreciate your prayers at the end of reading this! I'm seeking God in this season...refocusing...wanting Him...loving Him.

Btw, isn't this cute? Its a pict I took with the kids from the school! =) P/S if u are interested in teaching English, whether 1 month or 1 year at the school in Kalimantan, pls let me know. They are greatly in need of English teachers. This is a christian school for the Dayaks from the villages.

Rescue mission

Due to some glitches, I didn't fly yesterday, and will be flying tmr morning instead. It was an eventful day as I awoke all ready to go, with my luggage all packed. The uncertainty showed me what it means to be (1) Battle ready - i.e. having your luggage packed and ready to go (2) Trusting and Waiting - For God's timing in uncertainty.

I'm glad I was at home to witness a most touching event. As I have told some of you before, a pair of birds (honey bird) built their nest at the bamboo tree outside my house door. This is the third time they have a kid here. Two other baby birds have hatched and flew off.

But this naughty little baby bird, probably kicks a lot in the nest, plus the nest has really worn out after 2 baby birds. I heard the day before, the baby bird was dropping out of the nest, and my dad & mum had to scoop up the bird and put it back into its nest. Yesterday, the same thing happened to the bird. It was hanging on its legs, upside down in a precarious situation. Dad put the bird into the nest a few times, and even used toothpicks to stick the nest together. As the nest really looked like it was going to break, he put a box below for the bird to land. The baby bird really dropped on the box, and the mother bird was flying all ard the garden anxiously. I noticed the father bird only came after much later. (I was thinking to myself.....The male and female characteristics apply in the animal kingdom too? haha..)

Okay here is the poor birdy....

And mum and dad thought of cutting down the original nest and put it into this basket, before putting poor baby inside. So that baby will not fall again. It was kinda sweet....Mummy bird and Daddy bird were so worried tweeting all around. And later when the discovered baby bird was safe in the new man-made nest, they continued their tweeting melody. ;)

For more info, u may visit my mum's blog which gives a narration of the whole incident plus photos. ;p

It was the most beautiful rescue mission that I saw....and a representation of love between parents and their kids, and my parents with animals ;p I see God in nature.

What would you bring up to a helicopter?

Its really been some time since I blogged! Life has been somewhat busy. I'm flying again on Wednesday from 17-24 June to Indonesia (Jakarta and Pontianak). I kind of like the "image" of being on the move and flying here and there, but deep inside me, part of me feels a little bit tired and lonely. Traveling can be quite lonely, and when I get touched about some people or things, I can only journal them down (if there's no one to share with, but yea, I am thankful for the different ones I've travelled with and the divine conversations). And also I can't sleep properly in a new place, I usually take some time to get used to it! I'm also thinking about the greenish looking water in the village that we use to bathe........

Sigh I have become so pampered! Was it a change? I find that the older I get, I get exposed to different things, and my "want" list increases. This year I bought Nike & Birkenstock shoes. Recently I tried Clinique products and I like them, so I got some from an online shop that sells it cheaper. I also have taken a liking to Bodyshop stuff like the White Musk shower gel is simply so luxurious! Last year I signed on the gym membership and personal training, and going to the gym has made me feel like my body is being so taken care of, and I give thanks that I get to enjoy such a luxury. And then food wise, it is hard to resist good food, and also I enjoy drinking (chilling) with friends, and a glass of beer costs a lot. Hmm...what else.. as the weather is so hot, I've started sleeping with the aircon on every night! Last night I went to this wedding dinner, and the food was so lavish, with lobster, sharksfin (literally pieces and pieces), scallops, birds nest etc.

Maybe like Paul...he is contented with much and with little? Not sure when it crosses the line. The gist is, I guess, taking all things as temporal. But yeah I am thankful each time I have much. And having said all this, I think it is still more blessed to be with loved ones than to have the gold and treasures of the earth. And also the realisation (not that I didn't know, it just became so apparent recently) that I am so well taken care of at home. Maybe it took my friends to have children before I realised the difficulties of raising a kid, caring for a baby etc. When I get home, my mum cooks wonderful meals and heats them up for me, I just have to eat and wash up. I always think my parents should get more involved in missions, but indirectly, they have supported missions by taking care of me and releasing me to travel so much. This I am so thankful for.

Recently i came across some really good resources from World Vision on teaching youths abt global issues and what the bible says about them. One of the questions they asked was, if there was a flood, what are the things u will bring to the roof top. What are the things you will bring up to the helicopter. To the helicopter I can think of my family ofcos, and all my identification cards like I/C, passport, and my hard disk & camera which contain a lot of info...most of my money is in the bank anyway. And to the rooftop, you know what....I think I may bring my books up, and some momentos that really mean a lot to me from people. Hmm. How about you? This ques helps to identify which are really really dear things to you!! Maybe it also depends how much time I have to bring these things up yea.

Random...blues...

I've been feeling a bit disoriented and blue since I came back from Philippines..
I think partly it is cos I have been on a series of high activities like church retreat and philippines. And now that life has returned to normalcy, and the work emails start flooding in again, I'm feeling blue!! :(
There are a few issues hanging at work, that I don't know how to settle. I'm in need of God's grace to see me through.

The other reason for the low energy, I think is cos I've been sick. The doct gave me 2 days of MC cos she heard I had been traveling, so better to stay away from people. That was fri and sat. And since I don't have fever, and my cough is recovering, I think I am cleared!

The 2 days of rest suddenly gave me loads of time and space alone. And made me realise I have been running on full speed engine for the past few months, just one activity after the next! Including the relaxing activities, like gym, free massage etc etc, but nevertheless still running from one place to the next. And because I'm coughing, I decided to skip gym today on my off day. It makes me realise how much time gym actually takes up! 45 min travel & changing time, 1 hr 15min workout, 45 min clean up and travel back. Wah that's 2 hours 45 min! Almost half a day is gone of my free day..

Sunday was a super packed day, having to reach church at 830am for the IDT test which I think I did quite badly, cos of the cough mixture, I can't remember some of the memory verses. And then served as a welcomer. Church service, and then meeting on missions, cos am now serving in the missions pillar for young adults.

I know I'm sounding a bit whinny and complainy today. heh..actually there's nothing much to complain abt. =p Still in my lull mood. The hot weather makes me grumpy.

But yup, thankful for lunch with a good fren/ex colleague, and telephone call with a dear friend!