Its crazy that things are just starting to build up and get busy, as events run back to back.
For these 2 days, I am helping out at a conference organized by Greenleaf Asia, which is GB's social enterprise arm. And we have to reach Orchid Country Club at Yishun by 730am! Its rather stressful as I am in charged of ushering, but thank God for the provision of someone experienced to advice me...
2 days back in office on Thur and Fri to clear emails, since I'm away from office, and Sat night I am flying to Jakarta with my boss for an urgent meeting. Back on Sunday night.
Wednesday I am going to Breakthrough weekend - a church camp, at Johor. And back on the next Saturday (2/5). And then on 3/5 I may need to go to Cambodia, to bring a partner there.
Yeah, and on the 17/5 I will be at Philippines to visit my sponsored kid with World Vision. =)
Heh....I kinda feel stressed looking at the schedule, I feel its like super hectic. But strangely it gives me a very weird adrenaline rush. Like...I actually feel quite happy to be going different places, doing different things, meeting different people.
These 2 days of conference....tho, has taken up some of my Monday off days for planning, has been some sort of a good time off away from my desk, to meet new people, esp the Greenleaf volunteers.
I've been meeting a lot of godly and more elderly women...and have to overcome my fear of dealing with authority figures, esp strong women figures...
Couldn't sleep last night....maybe slept about 3 hrs....as my brain was functioning at high speed at night.
----------------------------------------------
Maybe...there's not much time to process too much. But I managed to jot these thoughts down a few days ago in my journal.
Love is not merely the happy feeling of seeing someone. It is not just the chemistry. It is not just that romantic feeling of having someone say sweet things. It is not that mad rush to be together. It is not just that desire to hold someone.
It is that plus...getting to know someone as a friend. It is thinking with the head, observing if the person is worthy of opening up one's heart to. It is observing one in the group context, the integrity and the constancy of a person. And...if things still hold after a lifetime.......maybe we can consider love.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
When I run, I feel His pleasure
I have been going to the gym, trying to go about twice a week. When I first signed up for the gym, I wanted to join the cardio step board and pilates classes, cos I attended the lunch time classes back in GIC. And the rates were pretty reasonable. Then I started running on the threadmill, and with much encouragement from the trainer, I improved on my distance and timings.
Running 10 min or even 2km was pretty painful at the start. But now I am running the minimum of 2km, and sometimes up to 20 min and 3km. =) The speed keeps improving, and I am actually starting to enjoy it! As I run, I pray, and I clear my thoughts. It makes me feel very happy to have this personal time. And I think running has taught me many things about perseverance. ;p
Told someone that going to the gym, makes me feel I'm in control, while rest of my life are not in control.
In control...as I see the timings improving, my legs getting thinner, and the muscles building on my arms and shoulders.
Out of control...cos I am not able to control how people treat me, the circumstances that happen, the external stressors...
------------------------------------------
But are other things really not within my control? I've been reading books on boundary setting, the need for separation and attachment with people. The books say that when we fail to set boundaries, sometimes we blame others for our pain, and we think we are victims who are not in control. On the contrary, we can learn to say no to others. I've taken some steps to say no at certain times, and even though I feel a tinge of guilt, I know that these are good steps to take. There is actually healthy withdrawal! That helps us to love others better. =)
P/S. I actually thought of this quote by Eric Liddell "When I run, I feel His pleasure", who was an olympics runner and missionary.
In a lot of ways.."running" can be applied to other gifts and inclinations that God has given to us. We feel pleasure when we do what we were gifted to do.
Running 10 min or even 2km was pretty painful at the start. But now I am running the minimum of 2km, and sometimes up to 20 min and 3km. =) The speed keeps improving, and I am actually starting to enjoy it! As I run, I pray, and I clear my thoughts. It makes me feel very happy to have this personal time. And I think running has taught me many things about perseverance. ;p
Told someone that going to the gym, makes me feel I'm in control, while rest of my life are not in control.
In control...as I see the timings improving, my legs getting thinner, and the muscles building on my arms and shoulders.
Out of control...cos I am not able to control how people treat me, the circumstances that happen, the external stressors...
------------------------------------------
But are other things really not within my control? I've been reading books on boundary setting, the need for separation and attachment with people. The books say that when we fail to set boundaries, sometimes we blame others for our pain, and we think we are victims who are not in control. On the contrary, we can learn to say no to others. I've taken some steps to say no at certain times, and even though I feel a tinge of guilt, I know that these are good steps to take. There is actually healthy withdrawal! That helps us to love others better. =)
P/S. I actually thought of this quote by Eric Liddell "When I run, I feel His pleasure", who was an olympics runner and missionary.
In a lot of ways.."running" can be applied to other gifts and inclinations that God has given to us. We feel pleasure when we do what we were gifted to do.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
下一个天亮
Heh,
I watched Campus Superstar the whole night today with my mum. It was kinda fun watching it with her and making remarks abt the contestants.
One of the songs really touched my heart. I think Jarrod really performed it very well. And it brought out the meaning behind the song.
Got me really emo...
As I have been having flash backs and memories of the past. Some of the memories are really lovely and sweet. And today I fished out a card from my wallet that I didn't even realise was there, written to me by someone who loved me.
And then I realise that during different seasons in my life, there were special people who understood me, and stood by me. And somehow, some of them left my life and moved on. But that doesn't negate the happy memories of the past. ;p And how these ones have been there for me at those difficult moments, holding my hand, or giving me a shoulder to cry on, or writing me a card to encourage me.
Guess I really liked the hope & positivity in the song too. Cos, there will definitely be a dawn the next day. =)
Okay I guess I am extrapolating some stuff that are not really from the song. But things I have been thinking about anyway.
I am waiting for the next Dawn....
郭静 - 下一个天亮
用起伏的背影 挡住哭泣的心
有些故事 不必说给 每个人听
许多眼睛 看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见 那个自己
用简单的言语 解开超载的心
有些情绪 是该说给 懂的人听
你的热泪 比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力 更有勇气
等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂
等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光
时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我 小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠
I watched Campus Superstar the whole night today with my mum. It was kinda fun watching it with her and making remarks abt the contestants.
One of the songs really touched my heart. I think Jarrod really performed it very well. And it brought out the meaning behind the song.
Got me really emo...
As I have been having flash backs and memories of the past. Some of the memories are really lovely and sweet. And today I fished out a card from my wallet that I didn't even realise was there, written to me by someone who loved me.
And then I realise that during different seasons in my life, there were special people who understood me, and stood by me. And somehow, some of them left my life and moved on. But that doesn't negate the happy memories of the past. ;p And how these ones have been there for me at those difficult moments, holding my hand, or giving me a shoulder to cry on, or writing me a card to encourage me.
Guess I really liked the hope & positivity in the song too. Cos, there will definitely be a dawn the next day. =)
Okay I guess I am extrapolating some stuff that are not really from the song. But things I have been thinking about anyway.
I am waiting for the next Dawn....
郭静 - 下一个天亮
用起伏的背影 挡住哭泣的心
有些故事 不必说给 每个人听
许多眼睛 看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见 那个自己
用简单的言语 解开超载的心
有些情绪 是该说给 懂的人听
你的热泪 比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力 更有勇气
等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂
等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光
时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我 小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠
Monday, April 06, 2009
Kudos to Friends
I'm kinda happy that life has some how gotten back to that happy pace...
Its a season (and moment) in my life whereby I don't feel angsty, feel thankful and somewhat hopeful. =)
I hope it won't just last a moment, but it will last a long time.
Things are somewhat going at a good pace at church, and yeah, ministries I'm serving in are starting to bear fruit, as I see lives being changed.
With the veil lifted, I kind of can give thanks for where God has placed me at work. In a position of influence, to reach out to women and children in Asia. To be part of community development projects, empower and touch lives.
I'm starting to enjoy friendships. A friend told me- sometimes, what we are simply looking for is Friends, and not a mate. That statement made me ponder a lot. I've maybe unconsciously overlooked the role and importance of friends in my life. Having someone to be there for you, a friend to walk long distances with, to talk abt anything under the sun, and to pray together. That kind of resonance with another person- deep and lasting friendship.
There's things that a mate can do with you that a friend can't ofcos. But for now, I'm giving thanks for friends.
We had our JC gathering on Sat night, and we went for KTV! I haven't gone for maybe a year, and it was nice singing and laughing together with my ex-classmates of a decade. =) In a sense- a "friend" is so loosely defined, that we call anyone our friend. Whereas a "friend" in its truest sense encompasses so much more. Of inputting and giving into each others lives. I am blessed to have a few friends from my JC class.
C.S. Lewis deferentiates friends from companions...maybe i will elaborate another time. But friends.....X tells Y abt something, and Y goes, yes, I feel the same way too! And X and Y start becoming friends....
Yest I had dinner with a small grp of church friends too, cos it was someone's bday. We had dinner at 5 Star Chicken Rice at Upper Bukit Timah. Yeah...so far for a eastie like me. After that we had icecream at Sunset Way- Daily Scoops. Trust me, I never knew the existance of these places until I started attending CEFC. But it was again a nice time of laughing and sharing over dinner. And I'm thankful for friendships built over the past 2 years plus in church =)
Yeah...so in that sense....I'm in a happy place. I really need FRIENDS!
Its a season (and moment) in my life whereby I don't feel angsty, feel thankful and somewhat hopeful. =)
I hope it won't just last a moment, but it will last a long time.
Things are somewhat going at a good pace at church, and yeah, ministries I'm serving in are starting to bear fruit, as I see lives being changed.
With the veil lifted, I kind of can give thanks for where God has placed me at work. In a position of influence, to reach out to women and children in Asia. To be part of community development projects, empower and touch lives.
I'm starting to enjoy friendships. A friend told me- sometimes, what we are simply looking for is Friends, and not a mate. That statement made me ponder a lot. I've maybe unconsciously overlooked the role and importance of friends in my life. Having someone to be there for you, a friend to walk long distances with, to talk abt anything under the sun, and to pray together. That kind of resonance with another person- deep and lasting friendship.
There's things that a mate can do with you that a friend can't ofcos. But for now, I'm giving thanks for friends.
We had our JC gathering on Sat night, and we went for KTV! I haven't gone for maybe a year, and it was nice singing and laughing together with my ex-classmates of a decade. =) In a sense- a "friend" is so loosely defined, that we call anyone our friend. Whereas a "friend" in its truest sense encompasses so much more. Of inputting and giving into each others lives. I am blessed to have a few friends from my JC class.
C.S. Lewis deferentiates friends from companions...maybe i will elaborate another time. But friends.....X tells Y abt something, and Y goes, yes, I feel the same way too! And X and Y start becoming friends....
Yest I had dinner with a small grp of church friends too, cos it was someone's bday. We had dinner at 5 Star Chicken Rice at Upper Bukit Timah. Yeah...so far for a eastie like me. After that we had icecream at Sunset Way- Daily Scoops. Trust me, I never knew the existance of these places until I started attending CEFC. But it was again a nice time of laughing and sharing over dinner. And I'm thankful for friendships built over the past 2 years plus in church =)
Yeah...so in that sense....I'm in a happy place. I really need FRIENDS!
Friday, April 03, 2009
The dark shroud
The dark shroud that veiled my mind got lifted up. I feel hope arising in my heart once again. :)
I'm Thankful.
A heart operation. It seems. A replacing of the jaded heart with a young heart. Being able to dream once again makes me feel alive. Makes me feel liberated.
Realise there are different options to go by.
Realise I'm not stuck in my situation.
Realise that I need not live in defeat.
Christ has brought light and He is victorious.
Each day is a daily surrender of ones thoughts to the Cross. The Cross life, comes with pain. It also comes with joy and liberty.
I pray that this remains!
I'm Thankful.
A heart operation. It seems. A replacing of the jaded heart with a young heart. Being able to dream once again makes me feel alive. Makes me feel liberated.
Realise there are different options to go by.
Realise I'm not stuck in my situation.
Realise that I need not live in defeat.
Christ has brought light and He is victorious.
Each day is a daily surrender of ones thoughts to the Cross. The Cross life, comes with pain. It also comes with joy and liberty.
I pray that this remains!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
While I'm waiting
My sis bought the Fireproof DVD, and I watched it yesterday with my mum.
I kinda liked the movie, though I found the front part a bit preachy.
But there was a question asked- who would be able to keep loving, and get rejected? It was a good reminder of Christ who loved us while we were sinners, and He has kept loving us.
It brought to mind the question of what Love means, and what loving someone really means.
I liked this song, cos it really spoke to me.
While I’m Waiting
Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24
John Waller
"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait.
Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
I kinda liked the movie, though I found the front part a bit preachy.
But there was a question asked- who would be able to keep loving, and get rejected? It was a good reminder of Christ who loved us while we were sinners, and He has kept loving us.
It brought to mind the question of what Love means, and what loving someone really means.
I liked this song, cos it really spoke to me.
While I’m Waiting
Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24
John Waller
"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait.
Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
Monday, March 23, 2009
I could not love thee, if I loved not honour more
Just a short continuation to the previous post...
Read more of C.S. Lewis's Four Loves, and one statement caught my eye:
"I could not love thee, if I loved not honour more" by a poet.
At once, I could grasp the parallel. That I could not love (X), if I loved not God more.
Loving X, is because I loved God much more.
C.S. Lewis says that it is not exactly christian to love with a protectionistic stance.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this is the way in which they should break, so be it."
This is a certain sort of liberation I think. To think that it is more of the "smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy."
It is true that someone said.....God knows all our desires. The key is not to deny those desires. It is to surrender the desires to God.
I hope I'm making sense, and that I didn't misquote C.S. Lewis in any manner. His book is too "chim", and its hard to actually express in totality the points that he brought out.
Read more of C.S. Lewis's Four Loves, and one statement caught my eye:
"I could not love thee, if I loved not honour more" by a poet.
At once, I could grasp the parallel. That I could not love (X), if I loved not God more.
Loving X, is because I loved God much more.
C.S. Lewis says that it is not exactly christian to love with a protectionistic stance.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this is the way in which they should break, so be it."
This is a certain sort of liberation I think. To think that it is more of the "smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy."
It is true that someone said.....God knows all our desires. The key is not to deny those desires. It is to surrender the desires to God.
I hope I'm making sense, and that I didn't misquote C.S. Lewis in any manner. His book is too "chim", and its hard to actually express in totality the points that he brought out.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Love and the Pain of Leaving
Should I or should I not love?
"Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking."
Henri Nouwen
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
C.S. Lewis
Whether it is choosing to love someone in a relationship, or to love someone in ministry, it requires one to be vulnerable and to give of oneself to another. Sometimes...we grow tired in ministry and disillusioned and jaded, cos we have given, and it's painful when what we have given is perceived as unreciprocrated. Or we have given, and it seems like there is no point in giving. We then numb ourselves so as to hide from the pain of rejection. We pretend that we don't care.
One thing I realise though, in order to love others properly, we ought to know that we are loved by God, greatly precious and valued by Him. Because we have the right perspective of ourselves, we know that we should be treated rightly by others. And to learn to say no, when boundaries are crossed. To love oneself enough to be able to say no.
Its such a thin line to thread on though. When is loving a person enough? How does one know that one has crossed beyond the boundary, such that loving others becomes harmful to oneself? I guess....when loving others becomes a means to receive love, rather than being able to love out of a sense of security of who you are in Christ. Does it make any sense?
"Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking."
Henri Nouwen
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
C.S. Lewis
Whether it is choosing to love someone in a relationship, or to love someone in ministry, it requires one to be vulnerable and to give of oneself to another. Sometimes...we grow tired in ministry and disillusioned and jaded, cos we have given, and it's painful when what we have given is perceived as unreciprocrated. Or we have given, and it seems like there is no point in giving. We then numb ourselves so as to hide from the pain of rejection. We pretend that we don't care.
One thing I realise though, in order to love others properly, we ought to know that we are loved by God, greatly precious and valued by Him. Because we have the right perspective of ourselves, we know that we should be treated rightly by others. And to learn to say no, when boundaries are crossed. To love oneself enough to be able to say no.
Its such a thin line to thread on though. When is loving a person enough? How does one know that one has crossed beyond the boundary, such that loving others becomes harmful to oneself? I guess....when loving others becomes a means to receive love, rather than being able to love out of a sense of security of who you are in Christ. Does it make any sense?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Invitation
I found this poem on Irwin's blog and I really liked it, so here goes:
The Invitation
- by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
The Invitation
- by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Doing some merciless thinking
Heh...I have been kind of missing from my Blog for some time =) Shall post some thoughts here...
I guess I have been pretty distracted by some issues for the past 2 weeks, and the complication keeps going round and round in my head. Another thing- Fear abt the future, has made me feel rather incapactitated. I am after all, quite a "feeling" person, and often my moods affect me much more than I really hope them to.
Though, during this time, I treasure the deep and comforting presence of God & His Spirit more than ever. If He is all that I got, I cling on to Him.
Watched Watchmen today. Not the type of show that I will usually watch, but watched it with a friend cos he wanted to watch it. And it actually turned out pretty good!
I liked the part whereby the miracle of life was being described by Dr Manhatten. He says it is like air turning into gold. Indeed, the preciousness of life.
It was depressing looking at all the crime scenes. I also thought about justice and who determines justice? What happens when justice ends up in the hands of people? Individuals have their own sense of right and wrong. And something is wrong when you take matters into your own hands, because in the process of seeking justice, you end up like the very people who are performing the attrocities.
It speaks also of the hiding behind masks....that we all do. Its easier to be a superhero behind a mask. We all wear masks, its easier to do that then to deal with whats really on the inside.
I'm kind of like sleepy so I hope that I am making sense.
-------------
Work hasn't been that busy, and in the quietness of the office, I actually (gasp) have time to reflect and to think. The ironic thing is that sometimes thinking about issues is so scary that I've not managed to think too much. Its stressful to be on the reactive mode all the time- as I had been doing for the past 9 months or so. And when the dust settles down, and its just me, and the computer and the quiet office, the silence sometimes scares me. Forces me to really think on the inside, what really really should be done. And in the silences think about my own life, what I really really want. And then to pause, and realise, gosh, God- where are you in the picture? What do YOU really really want with the ministry and the work?
Without a vision the people will perish. There is no hope when people are like just moving round and round in circles. And I feel that even though it is painful to face the truth sometimes, it is important to mercilessly do some thinking about issues and life. Then.....we can move forward and deal with them...
Thankful for the guidance of a few people here and there to support and show me the way. Maybe the above, doesn't just relate to work, but relates to ministry, to relationships...to everything in life. =O
That quiet place of aloneness. To redefine oneself over and over again....
To face the fears on the inside.
To not be afraid to deal with the darkness.
And this thinking...I'm afraid, only happens in solitude, when one is alone....When the distractions and fearful thoughts are put away, one thinks clearly.
I guess I have been pretty distracted by some issues for the past 2 weeks, and the complication keeps going round and round in my head. Another thing- Fear abt the future, has made me feel rather incapactitated. I am after all, quite a "feeling" person, and often my moods affect me much more than I really hope them to.
Though, during this time, I treasure the deep and comforting presence of God & His Spirit more than ever. If He is all that I got, I cling on to Him.
Watched Watchmen today. Not the type of show that I will usually watch, but watched it with a friend cos he wanted to watch it. And it actually turned out pretty good!
I liked the part whereby the miracle of life was being described by Dr Manhatten. He says it is like air turning into gold. Indeed, the preciousness of life.
It was depressing looking at all the crime scenes. I also thought about justice and who determines justice? What happens when justice ends up in the hands of people? Individuals have their own sense of right and wrong. And something is wrong when you take matters into your own hands, because in the process of seeking justice, you end up like the very people who are performing the attrocities.
It speaks also of the hiding behind masks....that we all do. Its easier to be a superhero behind a mask. We all wear masks, its easier to do that then to deal with whats really on the inside.
I'm kind of like sleepy so I hope that I am making sense.
-------------
Work hasn't been that busy, and in the quietness of the office, I actually (gasp) have time to reflect and to think. The ironic thing is that sometimes thinking about issues is so scary that I've not managed to think too much. Its stressful to be on the reactive mode all the time- as I had been doing for the past 9 months or so. And when the dust settles down, and its just me, and the computer and the quiet office, the silence sometimes scares me. Forces me to really think on the inside, what really really should be done. And in the silences think about my own life, what I really really want. And then to pause, and realise, gosh, God- where are you in the picture? What do YOU really really want with the ministry and the work?
Without a vision the people will perish. There is no hope when people are like just moving round and round in circles. And I feel that even though it is painful to face the truth sometimes, it is important to mercilessly do some thinking about issues and life. Then.....we can move forward and deal with them...
Thankful for the guidance of a few people here and there to support and show me the way. Maybe the above, doesn't just relate to work, but relates to ministry, to relationships...to everything in life. =O
That quiet place of aloneness. To redefine oneself over and over again....
To face the fears on the inside.
To not be afraid to deal with the darkness.
And this thinking...I'm afraid, only happens in solitude, when one is alone....When the distractions and fearful thoughts are put away, one thinks clearly.
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