Thoughts of a New Mother

Matthias is 12 week old today! I haven't quite had the time to blog down some of my thoughts ever since becoming a mother. There's a tension between being tired and enjoyment - my friend says this sums up parenthood!


I have been tired due to the night feeds, and baby loves being carried/cuddled and rocked to sleep. For this - there's different point of views - some say that you will spoil the child by carrying too much, and you got to train your baby. Others say that baby is fresh from the womb and is used to Mother's touch, and that research shows that babies whose needs are met tend to grow up to be more secure. I tend toward the latter philosophy (hence my tiredness), but try to find a balance between the two. This is just one example of parenthood philosophy that everyone has different views of, and one needs to find a sweet spot amongst all views. However, how do I know if my views were "correct"? I will only know when Matthias is older - but then again, there will be all sorts of other factors that affect his growth. So who knows? As a couple, we have to discuss, agree, and entrust to God. A friend told me to do everything in love, and that has helped so much in thinking about what we ought to do. Sometimes tough love is necessary!


Tough love comes in when it comes to feeding baby with milk bottle. I have been direct latching him, and thankful that breastmilk has been sufficient for him. His growth (physically and developmentally) has been encouraging. Initially, it was stressful not having enough milk.. but we persevered and only topped up 3 times of formula milk of very little quantity. Supply of milk did meet demand as baby suckled more. There were some who advocated for me to pump out milk- otherwise, how will you know how much baby has drunk? Due to the breastfeeding workshop I went to when I was pregnant, guess I became somewhat a purist - i.e. baby knows when he is full. And being a sole caregiver for most times after the baby's first month, I cannot imagine having to sanitize the bottles + pump, feed baby and care for him.. everything has to be done twice. Breastfeeding is one whole new arena, and baby has become closer to me as a result of it.
Now that I am returning to work in Feb, and sending baby to infant care, we have to start introducing the milk bottle to him! We have tried since last month, but with very little success. :( tough love is seeing baby cry and "training" him to drink from bottle.


I am entrusting this aspect of parenthood to God! Working mothers face the tension of going back to work, and the "guilt" of letting someone else care for baby. My heart melts when baby cries/sobs/whines. Matthias is quite a mama's boy -which makes me feel loved and appreciated. This developed after 1-2 mths. Sometimes when others carry, he cries, but once he is passed to mama, he stops crying. In the morning, he recognizes my face and gives me a wide smile, while making sounds and trying to talk to me. I enjoy seeing his growth over the past weeks. However, despite these little treats, staying home hasn't been easy, and I am thankful for help from parents here and there, and I am so happy when Ferris is on leave to help me! I don't quite feel called to be a stay home mum. Not sure how it will be in a month's time when I go back to work, but I am starting to brace myself for the changes.


There's so much that we can plan as new parents. But baby is a growing human - his schedule is not fixed. There is some structure, but it differs as baby grows. As soon as I thought I deciphered his behaviour, it changes again in the next week. A wise friend told me that I should give thanks that Baby is not the same every week! It shows that he is growing. Yes I am... but for a person who needs much structure, letting go of control hasn't been easy, especially in the first month of being a mother.


May the Lord grant us wisdom..both to the parents and Matthias!

God leads our paths

A quiet moment today for me.. sorting photos, doing up a photobook, and listening to Nichole Nordeman's Gratitude.

Spent some time to look at my old blog posts in 2006 here when I was struggling about leaving CHC. Thankful for His grace and the clarity to make such a difficult decision to leave then. It was really quite a journey and struggle to leave my church of 8 years then.

If anyone else in CHC is struggling to reconcile what is going on, feel free to reach out.

Things has not been easy this season due to certain challenges. As I read my previous blog posts in 2006 where I wrote of how I felt God had called me to the broken hearted, then it began to make sense as to why this is a season that He is bringing me through.

With Facebook, now it seems so much easier to just post short sentences, as and when events come. And also, I know write down my deep thoughts in my personal journal. Deep deep things that I wrestle with God about, or hear from Him about. Not sure if anyone still reads this blog.

I still love writing!

Dropping by here in reminiscence of the past journey God has walked me through. He is faithful.

Work has been good for me, having a good boss who coaches me at work, and also enjoying the field that I am in - all about developing people. It is a good alternative from the social sector, because of how learning and org development is after all about people as well. I like the corporate environment too! I have passed 3 years and still counting. The first year was challenging, and persevering has allowed me to see some fruit and the joy of learning new skills.

How will all these things make sense and pen out? I am still journeying and I feel sometimes it is not about the outcome, but everything about the process and journey of trusting God with each step of the way.

I encourage all who are reading this to keep on trusting in our loving Father.

A Heart of Thanksgiving

This was the speech I gave on 26 Nov, for my Project 10 to Inspire Your Audience:

2014 will come to an end in a month's time, it is a good time to take stock of how our year has been. To give thanks, to reflect and spend time with our family.

In fact do you know that in a day's time, it will be thanksgiving day? Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday celebrated primarily in America as a day of giving thanks for the blessing of the harvest and for the preceding year.

How has your year been? Are you able to give thanks for your year? For some of us it has been a good year maybe you had a promotion or a new addition to your family. For others it has been a year of transition with house move and new roles at work. And for some it could have been a painful year with the lost of a loved one or a loved one being hospitalised.
You do not need to raise your hands, but on a scale of 1 to 10.. 1 being it has been the worse year ever and 10 being it has been a wonderful year, how would you rate 2014?

If you are like a typical Singaporean, well they say Singaporeans like to complain. We complain about the MRT, COE, ERP, and most often of all about the PAP.

Singapore’s GDP per capita is one of the highest in the world, and yet all signs point to the fact that Singaporeans are also one of the unhappiest people in the world based on a survey by Gallup.

They say that laughter is like medicine for the soul. How can we be happier?

How can you end this year with a joyful and thankful heart?

I want to share two points using two stories.

The first is that we can give thanks by being grateful for what we have.

The first story is still very vivid to me. This took place about a week ago, I was awoken at 1am with the sound of heavy breathing from my husband. I walked out with him to the living room, and he was in such pain that he could barely open his eyes. I can still vividly remember his expression. He was sweating profusely. He was having a bad pain on the right temple of his head.

I was very worried and I decided to take a taxi to the hospital. When the taxi reached the a&e, someone wheeled a wheelchair for him and then shortly after he was wheeled into the emergency room. It was a long and worrisome wait for me. I waited there for an hr while he was being examined then the doc came out and told me that they were doing a CT scan for him. After another hr they said that he was to be warded for further investigations tho the CT scan didn't seem to show anything sinister.

When I saw him, his pain had subsided. I went home at the advice of the nurse and rested for about 2 hrs before coming out again to visit him where he was warded.

The next day, the doctor told us it was very unusual for a sudden onset of headache. They were concerned if there was any bleeding in the head. They have to do two other tests including getting fluid from the spine to test the brain fluid. I began to text my friends and relatives to keep my husband in prayer.

That evening as i went home, I was very heavy hearted, I was very fearful. I did not dare to switch off my hp for fear that the hospital will call me. I was fearful, and the fear of losing my husband was very real. You know many times we think that we men are in control of our lives, but at that point in time, When things happened so suddenly I felt helpless and knew that men are not in control of our lives and i could only pray and trust God's plan.

With much fear, the results were released. Thankfully, the tests turned out negative. There was no bleeding in the brain. The doctor said it might be due to stress. I was so thankful. It was the feeling like i had a second chance to live with my husband. I imagined the worse, but it turned out fine. Even now, i am giving thanks daily and am grateful to hear the music of my husband's snoring.

For first pt is that we can cherish and be thankful for what we have.

When was the last time you praised the Lord for the gift of being alive?

My second pt is that we can give thanks in spite of our adversities.

Nick Vujicic is a man who was born without any limbs. He suffered from depression when he was younger wondering why he was born this way and laughed at at school. You would think that naturally he would be a very negative person. Do you know that now he is married and has a beautiful baby with his wife.

He says "In life you have a choice: Bitter or Better? Choose better, forget bitter"

Many men who are full bodied are not as happy as him, why? It is because of our attitude.


How would you end this year? Will you end the year in defeat because of the challenges you face, or will you give thanks for being alive, and appreciate your loved ones?

I urge you friends, to treasure each moment of your life, and to end the year with a heart of thanksgiving.

True love that the world needs today

I first knew about the Father 's heart in 2010 when the team came to Singapore for a conference. It really blessed me and uncle Julian's invitation to me to go to Penang A school was in many ways for me, the personal invitation of Father God to me. Next, I went to Going Deeper in 2011.

Last week, I went to Penang again and it was an amazing time with Father. 

In 2010 and 2011 I felt the journey was a lot about inner healing and coming to know the love of the Father. Now in 2014, I feel my understanding has grown. It started with being aware that we as Christians have a Father who is waiting for us with open arms. He is that loving and compassionate Father and He is with us in every situation and challenge. His love is poured out into our hearts like a real substance. And u grow in that love. This love transforms u on the inside out, and day by day we grow and manifest God's nature in our life.

The message was so life giving to me, as I had grown up in an environment of rights and wrongs. Sermons tell u that God wants our obedience and surrender.. That is true yet not complete. When we are so aligned with His heart, it is no longer about obedience but such harmony in our walk with Him. We don't have to fear that we will trip, walking on a tightrope of rights and wrongs. God sent His Son because He loves us. And His son in the gospel, Jesus knew who His Father was. He had such an intimate and secure relationship with the Father such that He did whatever the Father was doing.

So it is not longer about living our lives with laws and guilt. There is a new found freedom in my heart. And with that it is so much easier to enjoy life as a Christian.

At the school, God also spoke to me about an area of sadness. I had a miscarriage in April this year. I don't mind sharing this with people except sometimes people may feel awkward. God was our comforter during those difficult moments. The loss is still there in a part of the heart. But what really brought tears to my eyes was the verse that God spoke to clearly to me at Penang. 

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, And my Lord has forgotten me.” “Can a woman forget her nursing child, And not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me. (Isaiah 49:14-16 NKJV)

Ofcos there was doubt in me that God had forsaken me, but Father so gently and intimately reminded me of His mothering love that He will always have compassion on me and is with me. When I came back to Singapore as I prayed, Father brought up the memory of our child who is in heaven with Him now... And revealed to me that as much as I grieved for this child, He grieves for and with His children. And now this verse has so much more a deeper meaning having been a mother myself.

There was also often this struggle that I don't find myself beautiful. In the most gentle way, He asked me, if your daughter doesn't find herself beautiful, how would u feel? I would be sad and my daughter was ofcos beautiful in my eyes. Then I felt God tell me, what more when u tell me that u are not beautiful? You are made in my image my daughter. I teared knowing in my heart how God had spoken to me in such an intimate way.

I believe He wants to restore us to the knowledge and identity as His son and daughter. As a servant, we ask for wages, but if we serve our Daddy as a child of His, we would be able to serve with so much more compassion. That is the true love that the world is looking for today. 

I can cook, so can you

I prepared the following speech for toastmasters, and realized it was good enough to be posted as a blog post. So here it is

They say: the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach, and the opposite is a hungry man is an angry man. Because i have heard of these sayings and my husband loves to eat, prior to being married i had hardly cooked. cooking and i were like strangers.
after i got married i endeavored to learn how to cook!
the first meal that we cooked together was after we came back from our honeymoon all excited! they say the abc soup is the easiest to cook just throw in carrots potato onions and meat to boil! we used some beef because i had seen my mother do that before. after about 15min the meat looked cooked, we scoop out the soup and lo and behold the carrots and potatos were as hard as rock and the soup tasted like water.

Since that attempt i have picked up some skills in cooking. let me share with u three tips on learning to cook.

SPA

1. Seek help
it was obvious i needed help with cooking! the first person to approach was my mother. Mothers are like walking cookbooks, they have all the dishes in their memory! They will tell u, just put some salt, put some soya sauce, how much you ask? They say just roughly put as you think is right. 

i learnt from her for soup to be tasty, u need to let it simmer for at least 30-45min, in fact longer the richer! i also learnt from her chicken stew recipe! for the chicken to be more fragrant, stir fry with garlic for a short while first before throwing in all the other ingredients and water. the other resource that came in v handy was a cooking website recommended by my friend at noobcook.com. in there were recipes for Chinese and western food.including baking steaming braising. From there I learn recipes like steamed beer prawns and cereal prawns.

2. Practice with people who encourage 

When I first started cooking, I cooked for my husband, there's only two of us, and he has to be my guinea pig. From the start he always finished the food I cooked. And sometimes he would say things like this is the best meal I have ever eaten. This really warms my heart. 

Another couple I cooked for one month after our marriage was my best friend and her husband. They finished the food and encouraged me to practice more.

3. Adapt and dare to innovate

Having sought help I tried innovating using food that I had. Last sat was my husband s bday and he requested for fish maw soup. The recipes mostly included chicken stock, which I was reluctant to use cos I'm health conscious. I bought a thermal cooker and cooked the chicken soup with mushroom overnight. In the morning when I opened the pot it was pipping hot and the soup was rich. I added the fish maw, scallops and more mushroom. The outcome was beautiful. Brown rich soup with smooth bits of fish maw, tender chicken pieces and juicy mushroom slices. We took our first bite. we both felt it was not very salty. It's ok however!

On Monday I used left over food from my mother in law -sausages, and potato and prawns from last week. I suddenly thought of the lagsana.I took the mozzarella cheese and the dill weed from my friend who left it in our kitchen, and suddenly I was able to have a meal that tasted a bit like pasta.

SPA 

I believe these principles are not just for cooking, but in any new skill u are learning,these three points will help u! I hope this has been good food for thought for you.

I can cook, so can you.

Life after marriage

I have been busy! What have I been busy with?
I have been busy learning how to be a good wife. Learning to cook, to wash, hang clothes, wipe the floors etc. I make breakfast for my husband every morning, whether it is a toasted sandwiches, cornflakes with milk or just sliced bread with kaya and milo. I try to cook at least one to two times a week whether it is simple soup noodles with yong tau fu or a full meal of rice, chicken stew, steam fish, chicken mushroom soup, stir fried vegetables, oatmeal prawns.
This is what I have been busy with!
The really wonderful thing is we learn to do these things together.

I make myself sound like a housewife, which I'm not. But I discovered that women build the house ( as what the sermon on mothers day preached), women can transform the atmosphere of their home with kindness, joy and warmth. :)

We hosted some friends at home too. Ferris mops the floor, washes the dishes etc. We are a team!

In aspects of building a family together, I smell something familiar, it is one of the simple joys of living. Same simple joys that I experienced in the village because it has to do with something so uncostly, but so expensive, the human to human relationship with each other.

I come home each day looking forward to be home. :) no matter how tired, home is where the heart is.

On the work front, it has been humbling, as I start afresh from the "bottom" in a field that is unknown to me of talent management and organizational development. Sometimes it is a bit like consultancy work. The best part is great bosses, the rewarding part is seeing yr work being appreciated, the growth part is having opportunities to try new projects, the grace part is guidance without nit picking. I struggled with the humbleness of starting afresh, but now I'm reaping the benefits of sticking it out. Being able to be home to cook is a super plus point.

I'm at a rather happy place and praying and preparing and managing expectations because life is not a bed of roses. Even then, I remind myself to smell the roses that come my way.

Pre-wedding reflections

I have been busy planning for my upcoming wedding! Wedding planning involves more than two people, but also our families. There has been some tension here and there, together with work, we have been working through issues. However, I am thankful each time we manage to talk through an issue, we come out stronger, with a better understanding of each other, and with a greater sense of thankfulness as to how God has led and is leading.

Yesterday we went to watch Argo, based on a real life story set in 1970s. The violence in Iran shook me, it was a senseless mob that did not think killing the innocent or hanging someone on a crane to die was cruel. There was so much fear in the country, and so much hatred. Is this the nature of human beings? I whispered to Ferris, I think this occurs on a daily basis in the middle east and some other places, he agreed that we in Singapore are so super blessed. It stirrs my heart to remember God's heart for the world, the poor, the marginalised, and most of all the unreached. How would these people be reached? I really do not know. And who would go to these places?

This makes the string of mosquito bites on my legs and hands (YUCKS) look like a super small problem. I have been concerned about it, as I am particulaly worried there would be scars when I wear my gown. :( Pls pray for me. It also makes the decor and flowers concern pale in comparison. Ferris reminds me that wedding is for a day, marriage is for a lifetime.

Another question I ask myself is whether my current corporate job is working towards the mission goal that I have? Is this where God wants me to be at this time? And am I willing to surrender again my career to Him?

No answers yet... just mulling, and have been feeling stretched due to back to back planning, programmes, events. I want to sit at Jesus's feet and wait upon Him...

I am also certain storms would come in our marriage, but I am certain with Jesus in the centre, we can brave any storm together.

Leaving the social sector

My ex-boss who is was a volunteer used to give the analogy that volunteers are like chickens, who lay eggs once in a while. Full time staff are like bacon, they are the ones who truly die for the cause. Do u agree?

Some have asked why I quit the social sector. To be honest, I was struggling all the way to hand in my resignation letter. I chickened out and sent it by email on the night before I flew for a holiday. I cried in the few weeks leading up to the resignation, because I recalled the journey of 70% pay cut to join the social sector in 2006. My emotions included feeling lost, confused, sad, disappointed etc.

From GB to SIF, I had already switched into a more developed world, social good role. In this role I have learnt a lot, such as communication and writing, multitasking.. I am grateful and enjoyed meeting people of different nationalities. I had the opportunity to be part of the young social entrepreneurs programme, and meeting my heroes from Ashoka, PDI. If u know me long enough, I eat, drink, speak of SE, ever since it captivated my heart in 2004 in the business school - that business could meet social causes. But of all the programmes, I had the most difficulty handling something to do with SE. SE is my passion, and it was difficult that it became a work subject.

I don't wanna become bacon! Working 10- 12 hours a day is no joke (and more during peak hours). I recognize that nothing good comes without hard work when I saw the programmes bearing fruits, but the other side of me yearned for creativity and space to implement my own ideas, to dream, to fail. Working for a social org, u very much have to work according to the mandate of the organization. I recognize that my desire to dream can be done in two ways, one if u are a volunteer, u can choose the causes u want to support and do it with passion and zest. Two, u could start your own social org!

I don't wanna glorify my own quitting, and part of me wish I could do more, hang on. The other part of me thinks differently.... The core part of me that seeks to be a Christian to make an impact in society... This other part of me feels that the private sector offers opportunities to grow, learn, pick up skills that I can use to contribute back.

I'm keeping the dream alive... Thru a different route.

This is an interesting season. I feel that my life has a pattern of over committing to stuff, ESP if they generate social good. Ferris encouraged me to track my expenses, and my goodness,,,,, the amt of money I am spending, but other then that, in retrieving expenses, I also noticed my timetable has always been a series of rushing here and there. Pastor Edmund shared About the inner composure of the heart that Mary - not so much cos she was sitting at Jesus feet just listening, but rather, the way she was rested on the inside. I too want this restedness, and hope to grow in this. Nothing to prove to others, serving with delight and not out of compulsion. So now I am no longer doing some awe inspiriting social job. I am a white collared person, who is working with God, and not for God.

Two more working days...

Listening to Andrew Yeo's My Healer even as I am typing this. Felt touched, as I know that God is so near to me. 5 June marks the last day of my work in the social sector. Touched because I recall how God led me there, my struggle and journey with Him for the past 4years in the social sector. I felt He had to bring me through this process of breaking, to rely on Him. Yet in the midst of my breaking, revealing to me how good He is. That even in making a decision to head back to the private sector, I felt that intimacy with Him, such that I was able to know, It is a partnership with him, and that He works through our desires. I feel empowered to make the decision in my life, knowing that He is for me and with me no matter what I chose. Dreams.... Surely He is unlocking those in my heart. The freedom that He longs to bless each of us with. What are some dreams He has put in your heart? It is ok to dream.. With your palms lifted up to God. He takes the dreams, takes your hand, and brings you on that adventure.

等待着你

I was going to on my laptop to finish up some work, decided instead to write some stuff that have been crossing my mind.

Work has been super crazy, clocking 11-12 hrs daily (almost). It has been fulfilling with the closure of each successful project. :D I have been tired because of the lack of sleep.

At this moment however, I am feeling thankful. Ferris is away on a mission trip. I just can't give thanks and praise enough as to how our personality complements, and our values and beliefs converge.

When I was a single, when I spoke to my happily married/attached friends, they often told me to wait, and that God would send the right one. That sounded cliche to me. I think it was the Lord who led me to pray this prayer early last year. For Mr X, my future partner:

"I'm dreaming of U. U whom i will learn to love completely, and U who will love me for who i am. U whom Abba loves, U who will know Abba loves u. U who will know it is me. U whom i may or may not already know. It will be that amazing day!"

When when and when would that "glorious" day come?

It came, surprisingly, not with sparks or fireworks. There is no lalaland, since we got attached, we have been angry and upset with each other a few times. We had have to walk through issues together. But I see the Lord's hand in this.

I went for a alumni gathering yesterday for Walking in Wholeness- a programme I attended at church. As I was worshipping, memories of the past Breakthrough Weekends that I had gone to flooded my mind. The breakthroughs that I had encountered, the healing of my broken heart through several dramatic incidences, the rhema word in season from the bible.

I re-observed that I had learnt in my "single" life back at church. The lovely people i met in church who i look to as family now. The pulpit ministry, going deep into the word and cultivating the inner life. The community and warm friendships. Thank u Covenant for being a wonderful church for the various milestones in my life. I had wished to be attached, but I was happy as a single.

I am preparing myself for a new season, to be spending three months at
Riverlife church, to pray about where Ferris and I should eventually settle.
No matter where we settle, i am thankful for Covenant. :)

Year 2011

It has been a bit hard reflecting on 2011, as it just seemed like a very plain year, like water. Nothing too dramatic happened.
Thinking through about it, i think it is because of this philosophy that i have been following by Elizabeth Eliot 'But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about it, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.'
Unknowingly, many of my emotions have stablised, in learning to first share them with God in prayer.
Yes it has been a year of also knowing God as Father, and i met Him dramatically in Penang.
He also blessed me with Ferris and many signs of green light that amazed me.
But it is not in the dramatic ways that He meets with me. It is in the daily walk with Him that He meets me. It is in the mundane tasks. It is in the daily surrender, the daily walking in His love, and choosing to love when it is hard, and choosing to abide in His word n trust.
Maybe that's why 2011 seemed like a non event..
Before i left GB, i knew that He was showing me stuff.. About my motivations for serving Him. After leaving GB, and not leading a cell grp too, i felt like i was 'lying low'. It is a period of His moulding.
The non eventful year has been much eventful.. Even today as we had our last cg of the year, and i received encouragement from cg members for my testimony sharing at the outreach event, i was encouraged. I am fearful of public speaking, but in spite of that, i know God used my sharing which came fr the heart..
I dont know much abt organising events, but God came through for me in each of the events i organised at work this year..
Various ones encouraged me that they see a courage in me. I am thankful. I pray daily this verse, that His perfect love will cast out all fears. Courage is not the absence of fear, but going ahead in spite of fears..
Yes, onward to 2012, and more divine appointments. All glory to God :)

Being in a relationship

Reflecting on past relationships, and where i am now with Ferris, it makes me think of a venn diagram. There were aspects of others that i really liked, whether in a r.s. or in a crush. But what Ferris and i share converges in the middle of the venn diagram. I see qualities in him that i liked in others, but somehow the timing, maturity level, or values didn't quite match in other cases. All the heartaches and the pains, sometimes of my own willfulness in refusing to surrender, but yet in all the heartaches, God mended my heart, healed me, and these were precious lessons.
Having been thru these different seasons, not just relationships, but also work and ministry and being ministered to at various junctures, we converge at a point of compatibility.
We caution being presumptuous that we wld eventually marry..we pray so..but I think the lifelong lesson that i learn is God's mighty hand in every season of my life. And i am thankful.
How do we sustain it? In order for our r.s. to grow in intimacy, my relationship with Daddy God must grow too. Otherwise, everything is stunted or will backfire. We need to go back to God as our anchor. We need to be intimate with God. When the relationship becomes so important, our perspectives are blurred. Anything that we are not able to give to God with open palms becomes so important that it chokes us. We say we love someone, but we become possessive. It becomes an idol. Only the daily surrender to God will strengthen our relationship as we look to Him as the centre.
Our worries and concerns for each other become burdens when we forget that each other belongs to God.. But when we have faith, we put our trust in Him that He is able to fix things.
Yes, our God is faithful. :) and this applies in every part of our life. I am trusting Him for my life and for his too.

Whole

I haven't blogged for a long long time and from August to now, so much has happened!

Just wanted to give thanks in particular for my trip to Lesotho recently to see my kiddo that I have been sponsoring for 5 years.

I also finished a 21 day fast with Ferris. The fast was really good. While we were apart from one another, God showed me stuff about myself, my significance in Him. And affirmed that I was whole in Him. The break from each other helped me to give Ferris to God with open hands. And even now, as we finish the fast, it is just the beginning of a long journey towards knowing one another better, pointing each other to know God better.

There is so much to learn. Thankful for the way He has led and will continue to lead. :)

Wrote some notes in FB on trip with photos
http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=268747623170239

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?sk=notes#!/note.php?note_id=268839179827750

Maybe nowadays i don't find writing long blog posts that necessary. Have been writing more in my physical journals..like letters to Father, praying to Him deep thoughts. And thankful for the cell grp and friends to share my life with.

Life and all it's worth

In 2 days time, I would be 29. Unlike previous birthdays, as the day approaches this time, I feel slightly melancholic and a little sad. 28 sounds young adult, and 29 feels adult.

How i feel about it.. Is a bit hard to capture here. At this age, though not terribly old, there are lessons that i have learnt about life. Life and all it's worth.. Each year we grow wiser, but this year just seems like a stop and take stock year. I have learnt many things, and in spite of that, i find that when given a choice, i sometimes do what i said i would not do again. Maybe it is that rebellious streak in me that wants to try, bcos this time God, it would be different. You would think that this time you would be wiser, but the same emotions surges up in your heart. And then comes the if only i hadn't. Yet if i hadn't, would i have learnt these lessons? Have i learnt these lessons?

Went to the New Charis Mission 5th anniversary, and Pastor Don was as inspiring as ever. That Christ came to set the prisoners free was never better exemplified than at that joyous ocassion where hearts were made new, and set free to worship God. At the dinner, Pastor Kong Hee (who i realise i missed his practical sermons tat helped to break down the gospel) said without a vision, the people will always go back to the past. It is true. The israelites made rounds and rounds ard the desert. Maybe cos, the vision was jus not clear enough for them, disbelief and fear had set them back.

Free falling with God, fixing my eyes on Him, just opening my heart to dream with Him, my heart will cry/weep and beat with joy, the joy of His loving heartbeat. And then all over, that wrestling with Him to take control n to settle for something else that seems so comforting.

May my life ... Once yelded to u... Once it has tasted of Your goodness... Be shaped by You so that You may finish the work that You have started in me. The one life that is so fragile, that could go off anytime. It is yours... Despite all its starts and stops.. I know U will never let it go. And, make my heart Your santuary, i pray.. That i think, will keep me going even when i divert from Yr calling, as long as You are in my heart, i will never go far from Yr calling for me. Amen and amen

Rethinking norms

I thought i had come to a point whereby social entreprenurship is a too saturated part of my life. But hosting Thorkil Sonne last week for work gave me new perspectives about inclusion and questioning of norms. A few of the things he mentioned struck me, in particular, that the disabled, people with autism should not be mainstreamed, they should be accomodated. Who is the one defines what is normal n mainstream anyway? We chuck a portion of society as incapable when they are just people who are different with special talents.
The visit to Pathlight Sch was in particular a highlight for me. We visited a shop selling products deigned by the kids. Many of the kids are very talented in design and drawing, putting in the detailed lines and boxes into their drawing. I teared looking at intrinsic drawing of the urban landscape by one talented youth.
Thorkil hires the high functioning autistic as software testers cos they like structures, and can do repetitive tasks very well. In the same way, at Pathlight, the students are give detailed steps to follow.
Actually, i think discrimination and attitudes are very subtle. I don't realise it, but yes i do categorise people. Some people may not be so communicative and hence i strike them off. But have i stopped to look at them in the eye? They are people with talents undiscovered.
Maybe, the rejection of others stems from a rejection of self. What i mean is, if we are secure with ourselves, then when others don't respond in a friendly way, would we then be more comfortable to be patient? Do we reject them first before we feel rejected?
Anyway... I enjoyed time with Thorkil.. Just like i did back in 2004 and 2005 organising the NUS Social Entrepreneurship forums. It brings back lovely memories. It stirs up my passion on the inside.. Seeking for social change and inclusivity.. Addressing social injustice. And it is nice to reconnect with that urban setting, having been looking so much at the rural areas for the past few years.

The night walk alone

Took a walk home to my hse. The night always seems to bring much clarity. The night walk alone.. Makes me feel courageous and touched at the same time. After all the noise n busyness, we are each our own, individuals, uniquely created with our passions, delights, joys, quirks. We become more likeable as we become more like ourselves each day. We become acceptable not when we try to be other people. It's only when we can know ourselves that we love ourselves n learn to love others who are different from us. It is when we gain acceptance of ourselves that we become acceptable to others. These statements need to be read with qualifiers. :)

Be like the fountain that overflows

I really haven't been blogging for some time... Felt a bit inspired by a couple of things here and there, but just did not get down to writing.

Today is a public holiday and I am spending the whole day at home, save for a possible trip I may make to the beach in a short while.

For one, I'm thankful for the cell group that I've attended since Jan this year. It's a new group that started this year, and somehow, we are just able to mix with one another, and have been spending a lot of time together. Last night we went for KTV, and then had icecream at Udders until 1am. I feel young again. :D It's not only a cg that spends time together, but it's a group of people that encourages one another and also reaches out to each other's friends. It was inspiring sending off one of the cg friend to the airport for his flight which was at 5am.

I just finished a book titled "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho, the book seeks to define madness, i.e. everyone of us in "mad" in our own ways. And the "mad" are actually being more real in being themselves, versus following social norms. I liked this quote: "Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains".
Maybe, this is one of the reasons I have stopped blogging so regularly, because I am trying to contain myself in a cistern, which unknowingly makes me feel depressed.
I want to be like the fountain that overflows. And I am thankful for a community to live out a real life with Jesus. A real radical life with Jesus.
I somehow still feel that there will still be something lacking though. Till His Kingdom really comes.
There's no more water to flow out, if there is no rest and refilling in Jesus.

I want to sit down at the beach and ask God abt the things I should be lacking go. And the things I should still hold on to. The responsibilities I shouldn't be taking on, and the things that seem crazy but He wants me to do. :D Work has been busy..and long hours. My tired bones are cracking and the fine lines under my eyes are growing.

Ageing..and this year marks the year I turn 29. I had always thought I would be married by 28 years old. It feels strange. Like I am now of a more matured age, taking on more responsibilities. I sometimes feel like I am living someone else's life.
I would be lying if I say this is not of a concern to me. Yet I know that being married doesn't make one feel less lonely, but it does seem like you would have someone to share your life with.
The pros are ofcos that I have much more mobility to travel and run around :) And more time for myself.
Thankful for a community in the CG. The counter to loneliness is the deep friendships and community. Having real friends and not superficial ones. And yes I am thankful that I have such friends.

I love Indonesia. . .

I just got back from Indonesia today about 5pm. And I really enjoyed my interaction with the people there. The people I met totally changed my earlier conclusions and assumptions of the Indonesians. :D The people I met were friendly, service oriented, responsible, and went the extra mile for me/us. Thankful that the whole event went well. It has been stressful for the past month especially into the last two weeks as I stayed in the office till 9plus and 10 on some days!

Thanks for all your prayers! And it has been amazing how God is leading me in different areas..

K.O.

I fell ill the evening I came back from Cambodia, felt bloated and giddy before I slept, and I vomitted almost all the food I ate on the plane in the middle of the night. The next day, I slept almost the whole day, and only woke up in spurts to finish up some work. Everytime I ate or drank, I vomitted. I felt so weak and incapacitated. Thank God that I am feeling better today! It reminds me of some time last year when I came back with food poisoning from Cambodia too! My tummy seems pretty sensitive.

I went to Siem Reap with a group of volunteers who are studying MBA in Singapore, and they are from different continents, including Europe, Asia, America. It was fun and interesting interacting with them, and learning from different cultures definitely. Told my colleague I like Europeans cos they hug a lot! I have gained much from hugging and affection. Asians are recticient, but you could say they think deeply before they express their emotions. I felt sad the night I was leaving Siem Reap, and the next day for Phnom Penh. Felt sad to say goodbye to the friendships built. SR gave me a very different feeling, because of its touristy nature, and most people could speak English. People came across as more open and friendly.

I arrived at Phnom Penh on Tuesday morning, and I was supposed to meet the driver at the airport. I waited and didn't see the driver. But there was a smartly dressed cambodian who approached me and asked if I needed help. He offered to lend me his phone. After using it for 2 phone calls, he said, "Excuse me, can you give me money? I have no money." I was sad, not because I didn't want to give him money, but because I had thought that this young man was here to help me, and I was sad that he had to ask for money this way. I took a taxi and reached the hotel, which was new to me as well.

I caught a glimpse of life as a missionary. Ofcos a missionary would go with certain organizations. But a missionary feels lonely.. feels discouraged on the field, when he meets with people he wants to help, but the people he wants to help try to take advantage of him. I had time alone staying in a single room for the few nights. And going to the villages reminds me of my previous work with GB.
I think it happens, that one starts to question his faith. Because he is surrounded by people of different faiths. And when one sees how unreached it is, one wonders if his faith is real.
In fact, many of the Europeans come from Catholic backgrounds, but religion has become a very minute part of their lives, and they tell me that it is not relevant as the world develops. Interesting that it is now a reverse evangelism, whereby asians are catching the fire, and the European churches are getting empty.

It was very nice that my ex colleagues helped me to arrange transport and they came to the hotel to meet with me. I was very touched to see them amidst the cold reception I had at the airport. It also dawned upon me that as a single person at the airport in a place like Phnom Penh, it was scary, and that I had always been privileged previously to have colleagues to arrange transport and lodgings for me.

I met up with some of our alumni for dinner, and they were all young professionals. It was a very different side of Cambodia that I met up with. I asked them about their view of poverty. 2 of them came from the province and said that it was up to the individual to make full use of his opportunities as they came. We talked about the governments, the people etc. I was heartened. In a way yes. Young Cambodians arise and contribute to their own economy.

I'm thankful for friends who sms and pray for me when I fell ill. "Friends" used to be used very loosely, but now "friends" means something deeper to me. . . That they could take my idiosyncracies. My mum sang chinese christian songs to me and cooked porridge for me.

Watching TV now..and there are two things that I caught..
First one - female protagonist says that, as long as you treat people with sincerity, they would also one day know your heart and reciprocrate
Second one - male protagonist encourages female protagonist - that she has too high expectations of herself, as long as she relaxes, she will be able to do well...

This is a pretty long post after a long time! I guess it is because...I feel like a broken recorder saying the same things all over, and I don't know if anyone still reads this. :) Do say hi if you are....

Greetings from Siem Reap..

It has been some time since I wrote.. cos I am also not sure what to write about! Guess I have pretty much written most of the stuff I ever wanted to write for now..

I am now at some quaint looking hotel at Siem Reap, with some volunteers of our projects in Cambodia. Had some Khmer food.. Siem Reap feels different from Phnom Penh, I can't exactly pinpoint what is the difference. I think Siem Reap feels more touristy... And Phnom Penh feels cosy. Maybe cos of all the friends and ex colleagues I have there and the projects that I know of.

Landing at Cambodia, and last Monday visiting Jakarta leads me to think about my experience in the past. I am kinda made to confront the past, even in sharing and speaking with volunteers about NGO work, the flips sides of aid and voluntary trips. And today we even talked about social responsible investing/funds, venture philatrophy etc. Guess it is all so ingrained in me.

I feel "emo".... Allowing my heart to settle down...amidst all the rushing here and there with various projects.

What's next? I don't know.. except to fulfil my present season well.