Matthias is 12 week old today! I haven't quite had the time to blog down some of my thoughts ever since becoming a mother. There's a tension between being tired and enjoyment - my friend says this sums up parenthood!
I have been tired due to the night feeds, and baby loves being carried/cuddled and rocked to sleep. For this - there's different point of views - some say that you will spoil the child by carrying too much, and you got to train your baby. Others say that baby is fresh from the womb and is used to Mother's touch, and that research shows that babies whose needs are met tend to grow up to be more secure. I tend toward the latter philosophy (hence my tiredness), but try to find a balance between the two. This is just one example of parenthood philosophy that everyone has different views of, and one needs to find a sweet spot amongst all views. However, how do I know if my views were "correct"? I will only know when Matthias is older - but then again, there will be all sorts of other factors that affect his growth. So who knows? As a couple, we have to discuss, agree, and entrust to God. A friend told me to do everything in love, and that has helped so much in thinking about what we ought to do. Sometimes tough love is necessary!
Tough love comes in when it comes to feeding baby with milk bottle. I have been direct latching him, and thankful that breastmilk has been sufficient for him. His growth (physically and developmentally) has been encouraging. Initially, it was stressful not having enough milk.. but we persevered and only topped up 3 times of formula milk of very little quantity. Supply of milk did meet demand as baby suckled more. There were some who advocated for me to pump out milk- otherwise, how will you know how much baby has drunk? Due to the breastfeeding workshop I went to when I was pregnant, guess I became somewhat a purist - i.e. baby knows when he is full. And being a sole caregiver for most times after the baby's first month, I cannot imagine having to sanitize the bottles + pump, feed baby and care for him.. everything has to be done twice. Breastfeeding is one whole new arena, and baby has become closer to me as a result of it.
Now that I am returning to work in Feb, and sending baby to infant care, we have to start introducing the milk bottle to him! We have tried since last month, but with very little success. :( tough love is seeing baby cry and "training" him to drink from bottle.
I am entrusting this aspect of parenthood to God! Working mothers face the tension of going back to work, and the "guilt" of letting someone else care for baby. My heart melts when baby cries/sobs/whines. Matthias is quite a mama's boy -which makes me feel loved and appreciated. This developed after 1-2 mths. Sometimes when others carry, he cries, but once he is passed to mama, he stops crying. In the morning, he recognizes my face and gives me a wide smile, while making sounds and trying to talk to me. I enjoy seeing his growth over the past weeks. However, despite these little treats, staying home hasn't been easy, and I am thankful for help from parents here and there, and I am so happy when Ferris is on leave to help me! I don't quite feel called to be a stay home mum. Not sure how it will be in a month's time when I go back to work, but I am starting to brace myself for the changes.
There's so much that we can plan as new parents. But baby is a growing human - his schedule is not fixed. There is some structure, but it differs as baby grows. As soon as I thought I deciphered his behaviour, it changes again in the next week. A wise friend told me that I should give thanks that Baby is not the same every week! It shows that he is growing. Yes I am... but for a person who needs much structure, letting go of control hasn't been easy, especially in the first month of being a mother.
May the Lord grant us wisdom..both to the parents and Matthias!
