Year 2011

It has been a bit hard reflecting on 2011, as it just seemed like a very plain year, like water. Nothing too dramatic happened.
Thinking through about it, i think it is because of this philosophy that i have been following by Elizabeth Eliot 'But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about it, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.'
Unknowingly, many of my emotions have stablised, in learning to first share them with God in prayer.
Yes it has been a year of also knowing God as Father, and i met Him dramatically in Penang.
He also blessed me with Ferris and many signs of green light that amazed me.
But it is not in the dramatic ways that He meets with me. It is in the daily walk with Him that He meets me. It is in the mundane tasks. It is in the daily surrender, the daily walking in His love, and choosing to love when it is hard, and choosing to abide in His word n trust.
Maybe that's why 2011 seemed like a non event..
Before i left GB, i knew that He was showing me stuff.. About my motivations for serving Him. After leaving GB, and not leading a cell grp too, i felt like i was 'lying low'. It is a period of His moulding.
The non eventful year has been much eventful.. Even today as we had our last cg of the year, and i received encouragement from cg members for my testimony sharing at the outreach event, i was encouraged. I am fearful of public speaking, but in spite of that, i know God used my sharing which came fr the heart..
I dont know much abt organising events, but God came through for me in each of the events i organised at work this year..
Various ones encouraged me that they see a courage in me. I am thankful. I pray daily this verse, that His perfect love will cast out all fears. Courage is not the absence of fear, but going ahead in spite of fears..
Yes, onward to 2012, and more divine appointments. All glory to God :)

Being in a relationship

Reflecting on past relationships, and where i am now with Ferris, it makes me think of a venn diagram. There were aspects of others that i really liked, whether in a r.s. or in a crush. But what Ferris and i share converges in the middle of the venn diagram. I see qualities in him that i liked in others, but somehow the timing, maturity level, or values didn't quite match in other cases. All the heartaches and the pains, sometimes of my own willfulness in refusing to surrender, but yet in all the heartaches, God mended my heart, healed me, and these were precious lessons.
Having been thru these different seasons, not just relationships, but also work and ministry and being ministered to at various junctures, we converge at a point of compatibility.
We caution being presumptuous that we wld eventually marry..we pray so..but I think the lifelong lesson that i learn is God's mighty hand in every season of my life. And i am thankful.
How do we sustain it? In order for our r.s. to grow in intimacy, my relationship with Daddy God must grow too. Otherwise, everything is stunted or will backfire. We need to go back to God as our anchor. We need to be intimate with God. When the relationship becomes so important, our perspectives are blurred. Anything that we are not able to give to God with open palms becomes so important that it chokes us. We say we love someone, but we become possessive. It becomes an idol. Only the daily surrender to God will strengthen our relationship as we look to Him as the centre.
Our worries and concerns for each other become burdens when we forget that each other belongs to God.. But when we have faith, we put our trust in Him that He is able to fix things.
Yes, our God is faithful. :) and this applies in every part of our life. I am trusting Him for my life and for his too.

Whole

I haven't blogged for a long long time and from August to now, so much has happened!

Just wanted to give thanks in particular for my trip to Lesotho recently to see my kiddo that I have been sponsoring for 5 years.

I also finished a 21 day fast with Ferris. The fast was really good. While we were apart from one another, God showed me stuff about myself, my significance in Him. And affirmed that I was whole in Him. The break from each other helped me to give Ferris to God with open hands. And even now, as we finish the fast, it is just the beginning of a long journey towards knowing one another better, pointing each other to know God better.

There is so much to learn. Thankful for the way He has led and will continue to lead. :)

Wrote some notes in FB on trip with photos
http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=268747623170239

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?sk=notes#!/note.php?note_id=268839179827750

Maybe nowadays i don't find writing long blog posts that necessary. Have been writing more in my physical journals..like letters to Father, praying to Him deep thoughts. And thankful for the cell grp and friends to share my life with.

Life and all it's worth

In 2 days time, I would be 29. Unlike previous birthdays, as the day approaches this time, I feel slightly melancholic and a little sad. 28 sounds young adult, and 29 feels adult.

How i feel about it.. Is a bit hard to capture here. At this age, though not terribly old, there are lessons that i have learnt about life. Life and all it's worth.. Each year we grow wiser, but this year just seems like a stop and take stock year. I have learnt many things, and in spite of that, i find that when given a choice, i sometimes do what i said i would not do again. Maybe it is that rebellious streak in me that wants to try, bcos this time God, it would be different. You would think that this time you would be wiser, but the same emotions surges up in your heart. And then comes the if only i hadn't. Yet if i hadn't, would i have learnt these lessons? Have i learnt these lessons?

Went to the New Charis Mission 5th anniversary, and Pastor Don was as inspiring as ever. That Christ came to set the prisoners free was never better exemplified than at that joyous ocassion where hearts were made new, and set free to worship God. At the dinner, Pastor Kong Hee (who i realise i missed his practical sermons tat helped to break down the gospel) said without a vision, the people will always go back to the past. It is true. The israelites made rounds and rounds ard the desert. Maybe cos, the vision was jus not clear enough for them, disbelief and fear had set them back.

Free falling with God, fixing my eyes on Him, just opening my heart to dream with Him, my heart will cry/weep and beat with joy, the joy of His loving heartbeat. And then all over, that wrestling with Him to take control n to settle for something else that seems so comforting.

May my life ... Once yelded to u... Once it has tasted of Your goodness... Be shaped by You so that You may finish the work that You have started in me. The one life that is so fragile, that could go off anytime. It is yours... Despite all its starts and stops.. I know U will never let it go. And, make my heart Your santuary, i pray.. That i think, will keep me going even when i divert from Yr calling, as long as You are in my heart, i will never go far from Yr calling for me. Amen and amen

Rethinking norms

I thought i had come to a point whereby social entreprenurship is a too saturated part of my life. But hosting Thorkil Sonne last week for work gave me new perspectives about inclusion and questioning of norms. A few of the things he mentioned struck me, in particular, that the disabled, people with autism should not be mainstreamed, they should be accomodated. Who is the one defines what is normal n mainstream anyway? We chuck a portion of society as incapable when they are just people who are different with special talents.
The visit to Pathlight Sch was in particular a highlight for me. We visited a shop selling products deigned by the kids. Many of the kids are very talented in design and drawing, putting in the detailed lines and boxes into their drawing. I teared looking at intrinsic drawing of the urban landscape by one talented youth.
Thorkil hires the high functioning autistic as software testers cos they like structures, and can do repetitive tasks very well. In the same way, at Pathlight, the students are give detailed steps to follow.
Actually, i think discrimination and attitudes are very subtle. I don't realise it, but yes i do categorise people. Some people may not be so communicative and hence i strike them off. But have i stopped to look at them in the eye? They are people with talents undiscovered.
Maybe, the rejection of others stems from a rejection of self. What i mean is, if we are secure with ourselves, then when others don't respond in a friendly way, would we then be more comfortable to be patient? Do we reject them first before we feel rejected?
Anyway... I enjoyed time with Thorkil.. Just like i did back in 2004 and 2005 organising the NUS Social Entrepreneurship forums. It brings back lovely memories. It stirs up my passion on the inside.. Seeking for social change and inclusivity.. Addressing social injustice. And it is nice to reconnect with that urban setting, having been looking so much at the rural areas for the past few years.

The night walk alone

Took a walk home to my hse. The night always seems to bring much clarity. The night walk alone.. Makes me feel courageous and touched at the same time. After all the noise n busyness, we are each our own, individuals, uniquely created with our passions, delights, joys, quirks. We become more likeable as we become more like ourselves each day. We become acceptable not when we try to be other people. It's only when we can know ourselves that we love ourselves n learn to love others who are different from us. It is when we gain acceptance of ourselves that we become acceptable to others. These statements need to be read with qualifiers. :)

Be like the fountain that overflows

I really haven't been blogging for some time... Felt a bit inspired by a couple of things here and there, but just did not get down to writing.

Today is a public holiday and I am spending the whole day at home, save for a possible trip I may make to the beach in a short while.

For one, I'm thankful for the cell group that I've attended since Jan this year. It's a new group that started this year, and somehow, we are just able to mix with one another, and have been spending a lot of time together. Last night we went for KTV, and then had icecream at Udders until 1am. I feel young again. :D It's not only a cg that spends time together, but it's a group of people that encourages one another and also reaches out to each other's friends. It was inspiring sending off one of the cg friend to the airport for his flight which was at 5am.

I just finished a book titled "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho, the book seeks to define madness, i.e. everyone of us in "mad" in our own ways. And the "mad" are actually being more real in being themselves, versus following social norms. I liked this quote: "Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains".
Maybe, this is one of the reasons I have stopped blogging so regularly, because I am trying to contain myself in a cistern, which unknowingly makes me feel depressed.
I want to be like the fountain that overflows. And I am thankful for a community to live out a real life with Jesus. A real radical life with Jesus.
I somehow still feel that there will still be something lacking though. Till His Kingdom really comes.
There's no more water to flow out, if there is no rest and refilling in Jesus.

I want to sit down at the beach and ask God abt the things I should be lacking go. And the things I should still hold on to. The responsibilities I shouldn't be taking on, and the things that seem crazy but He wants me to do. :D Work has been busy..and long hours. My tired bones are cracking and the fine lines under my eyes are growing.

Ageing..and this year marks the year I turn 29. I had always thought I would be married by 28 years old. It feels strange. Like I am now of a more matured age, taking on more responsibilities. I sometimes feel like I am living someone else's life.
I would be lying if I say this is not of a concern to me. Yet I know that being married doesn't make one feel less lonely, but it does seem like you would have someone to share your life with.
The pros are ofcos that I have much more mobility to travel and run around :) And more time for myself.
Thankful for a community in the CG. The counter to loneliness is the deep friendships and community. Having real friends and not superficial ones. And yes I am thankful that I have such friends.

I love Indonesia. . .

I just got back from Indonesia today about 5pm. And I really enjoyed my interaction with the people there. The people I met totally changed my earlier conclusions and assumptions of the Indonesians. :D The people I met were friendly, service oriented, responsible, and went the extra mile for me/us. Thankful that the whole event went well. It has been stressful for the past month especially into the last two weeks as I stayed in the office till 9plus and 10 on some days!

Thanks for all your prayers! And it has been amazing how God is leading me in different areas..

K.O.

I fell ill the evening I came back from Cambodia, felt bloated and giddy before I slept, and I vomitted almost all the food I ate on the plane in the middle of the night. The next day, I slept almost the whole day, and only woke up in spurts to finish up some work. Everytime I ate or drank, I vomitted. I felt so weak and incapacitated. Thank God that I am feeling better today! It reminds me of some time last year when I came back with food poisoning from Cambodia too! My tummy seems pretty sensitive.

I went to Siem Reap with a group of volunteers who are studying MBA in Singapore, and they are from different continents, including Europe, Asia, America. It was fun and interesting interacting with them, and learning from different cultures definitely. Told my colleague I like Europeans cos they hug a lot! I have gained much from hugging and affection. Asians are recticient, but you could say they think deeply before they express their emotions. I felt sad the night I was leaving Siem Reap, and the next day for Phnom Penh. Felt sad to say goodbye to the friendships built. SR gave me a very different feeling, because of its touristy nature, and most people could speak English. People came across as more open and friendly.

I arrived at Phnom Penh on Tuesday morning, and I was supposed to meet the driver at the airport. I waited and didn't see the driver. But there was a smartly dressed cambodian who approached me and asked if I needed help. He offered to lend me his phone. After using it for 2 phone calls, he said, "Excuse me, can you give me money? I have no money." I was sad, not because I didn't want to give him money, but because I had thought that this young man was here to help me, and I was sad that he had to ask for money this way. I took a taxi and reached the hotel, which was new to me as well.

I caught a glimpse of life as a missionary. Ofcos a missionary would go with certain organizations. But a missionary feels lonely.. feels discouraged on the field, when he meets with people he wants to help, but the people he wants to help try to take advantage of him. I had time alone staying in a single room for the few nights. And going to the villages reminds me of my previous work with GB.
I think it happens, that one starts to question his faith. Because he is surrounded by people of different faiths. And when one sees how unreached it is, one wonders if his faith is real.
In fact, many of the Europeans come from Catholic backgrounds, but religion has become a very minute part of their lives, and they tell me that it is not relevant as the world develops. Interesting that it is now a reverse evangelism, whereby asians are catching the fire, and the European churches are getting empty.

It was very nice that my ex colleagues helped me to arrange transport and they came to the hotel to meet with me. I was very touched to see them amidst the cold reception I had at the airport. It also dawned upon me that as a single person at the airport in a place like Phnom Penh, it was scary, and that I had always been privileged previously to have colleagues to arrange transport and lodgings for me.

I met up with some of our alumni for dinner, and they were all young professionals. It was a very different side of Cambodia that I met up with. I asked them about their view of poverty. 2 of them came from the province and said that it was up to the individual to make full use of his opportunities as they came. We talked about the governments, the people etc. I was heartened. In a way yes. Young Cambodians arise and contribute to their own economy.

I'm thankful for friends who sms and pray for me when I fell ill. "Friends" used to be used very loosely, but now "friends" means something deeper to me. . . That they could take my idiosyncracies. My mum sang chinese christian songs to me and cooked porridge for me.

Watching TV now..and there are two things that I caught..
First one - female protagonist says that, as long as you treat people with sincerity, they would also one day know your heart and reciprocrate
Second one - male protagonist encourages female protagonist - that she has too high expectations of herself, as long as she relaxes, she will be able to do well...

This is a pretty long post after a long time! I guess it is because...I feel like a broken recorder saying the same things all over, and I don't know if anyone still reads this. :) Do say hi if you are....

Greetings from Siem Reap..

It has been some time since I wrote.. cos I am also not sure what to write about! Guess I have pretty much written most of the stuff I ever wanted to write for now..

I am now at some quaint looking hotel at Siem Reap, with some volunteers of our projects in Cambodia. Had some Khmer food.. Siem Reap feels different from Phnom Penh, I can't exactly pinpoint what is the difference. I think Siem Reap feels more touristy... And Phnom Penh feels cosy. Maybe cos of all the friends and ex colleagues I have there and the projects that I know of.

Landing at Cambodia, and last Monday visiting Jakarta leads me to think about my experience in the past. I am kinda made to confront the past, even in sharing and speaking with volunteers about NGO work, the flips sides of aid and voluntary trips. And today we even talked about social responsible investing/funds, venture philatrophy etc. Guess it is all so ingrained in me.

I feel "emo".... Allowing my heart to settle down...amidst all the rushing here and there with various projects.

What's next? I don't know.. except to fulfil my present season well.

Curious about life beyond our island?

I guess along the years, I slowly built up an interest in people. The change in perspectives was most stark after i became a christian, as something fundamental about christianity is not only to love God, but it is also to love your neighbours as yourself. I weave my life around these two principles.
A curiosity about people - what they think, how they think and WHY they think, in certain manners. In a group, I like inclusivity where everyone gets heard. I dislike stereotypes (easier said than done!). A curiosity, also because I like to try new things including food, visiting new places etc.
Second, the love for people necessarily leads to the interest in people. God's outflowing of love inevitably pours out thru us as christians, who are conduits of His love.

Whereas it was not so clear at the start, later as my horizons increased with meeting different nationalities, traveling to different places and reading books on different countries, meeting new people took on a different dimension. I find that it is quite difficult not to be fascinated by people from different cultures and lifestyles. Sometimes, Singapore feels like a comfortable bubble. Some say it is a comfortable construct, whereas 80 percent of the world lives much differently (which includes people in the villages, farmlands etc. ). I think we shd stop complaining abt Singapore, it is really one of the safest, cleanest places in the world. Working in SIF helped me discover all the integrated cool policies ranging from water policies of resevoirs and newater to sustainable urban housing to green cities..
We are nothing short of blessed.

But yet we cannot stay in a comfortable bubble or vacuum, because the world is larger than our island. 1 billion people live on less than 1USD a day. Poverty issues aside, the richness of cultures from different countries, including songs, writings, history, heritages, and mixing with them enriches us.

I am hence nothing short of a global vision, beyond the sunny island that is comfortable to stay in. I love meeting the chinese, the indonesians, the europeans, the americans etc etc.. And hopefully i can meet africans and south americans too! That would be most interesting. We can't help but meet internationals i guess, because 1.5 million people in singapore are foreigners. I hope we extend our hearts wide without prejudice to learn fr each other.