I had a good weekend, spending time with various ones, and sharing the things that were heavy/knotted in my heart. Felt my soul was blessed, and encouraged. Thankful for the book on God's will that Charlene lent me. And glad that I could express deep things that were troubling me. Have started reading a few pages, and thought that it addressed some issues i was facing, and felt that it was a word in season.
Yup, today I went back to GIC for lunch with my ex-colleagues, and it was a lovely walk down memory path. The memories were vivid, and encouraging as I recalled the journey God had led me in.
And yesterday, I attended Clare's wedding. Blessed my heart deeply as the couple sang "Amazing Love" together, and after that sang the song they had co-wrote together called "Waiting for you". It spoke of all the lonely pangs longing for each other, and how God shaped them through the waiting, to finally the day of marriage. It was so wonderfully sweet, and divine. :) The food was good, and the place was posh as they had many guests of great statue. But it was not those that impressed me, but rather of how they testified of God's love thru the singing, and their wedding was a testimony of the grace & love of God. It shifted my paradigm, as I realised that God is a God of abundance, and His providence to His children glorifies Him.
Spent q a lot of time chatting with Ed as well, and was edified. Was able to express the knotty issues in my heart, weighing on me for some time. Glad that he was able to understand as he had also thought the same way about some stuffs. The really amazing thing is how he manages to articulate some of the thoughts I had, cos I am really a very "feeling" person, and sometimes I can't exactly capture why I am feeling a certain way. So I am thankful.
I think the greatest thing of all is being able to come bk to this place of joyfulness. Feel my spirits are slowly being lifted up and encouraged. As I realise and understand that our walk with God is not just about "surrender", but about joyful surrender. That surrender does not just entail sacrifice and loneliness, but it comes with the expectancy that a great and faithful God wants to bless us. That He does not just provide spiritually, but materially as well. He can grant us abundance because we are His children and He loves us.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The warmth in the heart
Got back from Indonesia on Monday night and had a warm welcome! :) Came home and slept and slept and slept until 11am. It was like every muscle was filled with fatique, and I cldn't get up! Had all the overwhelming feelings of tiredness and discouragement that I cried as I prayed. And am thankful for E.P. for listening to me on the phone and praying with me. I think discouragement is such a stealthy enemy that lurks in yr heart and manifests itself when you lest know it. Hence the importance to keep oneself strong in the mind, body and spirit.
I grew through the trip to Indonesia. It was once in a lifetime experience, and I was blessed by the people there.
My key takeaways:
1. It is not about our sacrifices but about God's faithfulness. I saw the faithfulness of God in individual lives, truly, it is only Him working in our lives that brings convictions and change.
Part of my prayer journal:
"Lord, I discover that such short term trips are not just about me feeling burden or pity. But truly, what really captures my heart during such trips is being able to see Your faithfulness and Your mercy and love so abundant. And seeing changed lives that have been impacted by You. You seem so much more real in these lives because of the manner in which they have really changed in terms of their values, lives, purposes- all so Godward."
2. God loves me as I am, and I do not need to keep striving to meet expectations of myself and others.
Felt very stretched and stressed before the trip, cos I felt I had to write a report with recommendations of what we shd do at Indonesia. And I was the only staff, plus the 4 other people going with me are 20-30 years older than me. The schedule of what we were going to do was not confirmed, and it was basically an exploratory trip. But thank God everything fell into place, and my companions were very gracious indeed.
Felt God assured me not to care so much about what people said, but He loved me- and I was His child.
3. Building relationships with people and being intentional in spending quality time with people is important. These are really great ministry opportunities.
Thankful for the guest house we stayed in, which had a living room with sofas. Visitors came to our place and chatted with us over tea, coffee and milo. And it was edifying taking time to share our lives and to hear their testimonies, and to pray for them. Thankful for Audrey who facilitated most of the sessions and was never in a rush to finish the chats- one of which ended at 11plus pm.
4. Relating to family and to older authority is not that difficult.
I think I experienced a mini breakthrough. Cos 3 of my companions were my parents age, and 1 other was in her 40s. At first I was worried about being the only young person there, of how they will view me, or how I shd react, or how I shd try and be more mature, and will I be lonely? Ofcos in my heart I missed having my peers to share with. But they were all kind, and in their kindness, I felt respected as an adult, and I was thankful for the healthy boundaries. It was kind of cosy, like a family.
Yup...and there are many more. Little thoughts here and there that warmed my heart.
I grew through the trip to Indonesia. It was once in a lifetime experience, and I was blessed by the people there.
My key takeaways:
1. It is not about our sacrifices but about God's faithfulness. I saw the faithfulness of God in individual lives, truly, it is only Him working in our lives that brings convictions and change.
Part of my prayer journal:
"Lord, I discover that such short term trips are not just about me feeling burden or pity. But truly, what really captures my heart during such trips is being able to see Your faithfulness and Your mercy and love so abundant. And seeing changed lives that have been impacted by You. You seem so much more real in these lives because of the manner in which they have really changed in terms of their values, lives, purposes- all so Godward."
2. God loves me as I am, and I do not need to keep striving to meet expectations of myself and others.
Felt very stretched and stressed before the trip, cos I felt I had to write a report with recommendations of what we shd do at Indonesia. And I was the only staff, plus the 4 other people going with me are 20-30 years older than me. The schedule of what we were going to do was not confirmed, and it was basically an exploratory trip. But thank God everything fell into place, and my companions were very gracious indeed.
Felt God assured me not to care so much about what people said, but He loved me- and I was His child.
3. Building relationships with people and being intentional in spending quality time with people is important. These are really great ministry opportunities.
Thankful for the guest house we stayed in, which had a living room with sofas. Visitors came to our place and chatted with us over tea, coffee and milo. And it was edifying taking time to share our lives and to hear their testimonies, and to pray for them. Thankful for Audrey who facilitated most of the sessions and was never in a rush to finish the chats- one of which ended at 11plus pm.
4. Relating to family and to older authority is not that difficult.
I think I experienced a mini breakthrough. Cos 3 of my companions were my parents age, and 1 other was in her 40s. At first I was worried about being the only young person there, of how they will view me, or how I shd react, or how I shd try and be more mature, and will I be lonely? Ofcos in my heart I missed having my peers to share with. But they were all kind, and in their kindness, I felt respected as an adult, and I was thankful for the healthy boundaries. It was kind of cosy, like a family.
Yup...and there are many more. Little thoughts here and there that warmed my heart.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Indonesia- I'm coming...
Tmr morning I am going to Indonesia. I feel a mixture of excitement and stress. I realise that being a staff on trips is quite different from being a volunteer.
As a staff, the stress level is much higher as I have to think of deliverables from the trip, and provide the answers for people. Hand in reports, recommendations and so on. Whereas as a volunteer, there is perhaps more energy being spent on ministry and reflections and looking at things.
I hope I wont be too caught up with administrative stuff either, or be overly self conscious, and have loads of time for reflection for God to speak to me. =)
Looked through loads of photos today at office, and writeups of various short term trips. The photos remind me of why I am here again. And yup, I like the energy of the volunteers. Somehow tho, I just feel like its not enough. There's a feeling inside like- can short term trips do much? One group comes and the other leaves, and each grp leaves behind some warmth and love and friendship. I really hope that it makes a difference. I know it does change the short-termers hearts. I hope the projects are sustainable in the long term as well. And that ple don't just leave feeling good that they had done something. But lives change, and they start living changed lives. Sigh. This is the perfectionistic and idealistic me surfacing.
One thing really to give thanks for, my parents position on my traveling has improved tremendously. And they are pretty concerned about me as well. I'm glad I waited for the job, waited for the miraculous approval from my parents. Because of this miracle, I am much more at rest tat even tho I sometimes feel tired, this is the place God has opened for me at this time, for this season. Likewise in all aspects of life, I am learning to wait on Him for His timing. He spoke something tho- that all good gifts come from Him. =) Thank God for His beautiful gift. May everything be made beautiful in His time!
As a staff, the stress level is much higher as I have to think of deliverables from the trip, and provide the answers for people. Hand in reports, recommendations and so on. Whereas as a volunteer, there is perhaps more energy being spent on ministry and reflections and looking at things.
I hope I wont be too caught up with administrative stuff either, or be overly self conscious, and have loads of time for reflection for God to speak to me. =)
Looked through loads of photos today at office, and writeups of various short term trips. The photos remind me of why I am here again. And yup, I like the energy of the volunteers. Somehow tho, I just feel like its not enough. There's a feeling inside like- can short term trips do much? One group comes and the other leaves, and each grp leaves behind some warmth and love and friendship. I really hope that it makes a difference. I know it does change the short-termers hearts. I hope the projects are sustainable in the long term as well. And that ple don't just leave feeling good that they had done something. But lives change, and they start living changed lives. Sigh. This is the perfectionistic and idealistic me surfacing.
One thing really to give thanks for, my parents position on my traveling has improved tremendously. And they are pretty concerned about me as well. I'm glad I waited for the job, waited for the miraculous approval from my parents. Because of this miracle, I am much more at rest tat even tho I sometimes feel tired, this is the place God has opened for me at this time, for this season. Likewise in all aspects of life, I am learning to wait on Him for His timing. He spoke something tho- that all good gifts come from Him. =) Thank God for His beautiful gift. May everything be made beautiful in His time!
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Identity
Its sunday night again. :) Good to know that tmr I don't have to work!
Not very sure what to blog about, am struggling through some times of letting go of something that is precious again, and cos my fren reminded me of a post I had written 2 years ago, I went back and re-read it. The emotions then were very real, and I remembered I was crying as I was typing. Time doesn't heal, but grace and God coupled with time does.
Grateful for today, being able to pray a closure prayer, tho with much pain in the heart. I know I can so-called bounce back again hiding behind the cheery smile. But this time I really want to work through the pain, because God cares for my emotions a lot.
Silly old me got the time wrong for our meeting today, and so did another DGL. So I was chatting with him for about 1 hr plus as we waited for the meeting. In a way it was a very edifying time for me, cos he was asking me a lot of questions about my mission trips, my job, and the people I had been counseling. He is a few years younger than me and a very good listener. So as I was talking, I felt on the inside, wah, what a journey God has brought me through. And I was surprised by my own life, in a way encouraged to look beyond the problems and to remind myself of God's faithfulness and the uniqueness of my identity.
I think God reminded me of my identity while we had devotion at work on Thursday. As we quietened down and prayed, He showed me the smiling face of my JC fren. And somehow the memories of who I was flooded back. Since I don't know my colleagues that well at work yet, I am quite quiet at work. Whereas in GIC, I can be rather noisy cos I am close to the colleagues, and I think they appreciate my jokes. ;p And then there is this idealistic side of me, a lot of visions & dreams on the inside. And the reflective side that thinks too much. So I've been trying to repress who I really am, because I am adjusting to a new environment. But yup, I think I shd just be myself and be happy for who I am.
I often take a long time to warm up with people. Maybe more so face-to-face. Cos when I was younger, I think my opinion was sometimes shouted down at. So I have a lack of confidence in voicing my views. It is only when I know I am in a safe environment, that I share openly how I feel on the inside. That's why blogging, emailing and msning is so much easier for me to share. Even in church and in previous work place, I think I took more than 6 mths to a year before I finally can show my true self to them. But then again, I don't show all I am because some thoughts on the inside I feel are quite radical and diff from social norms. So when I finally meet someone who understands, it is really like finding a pearl and I just open up cos I know I am in a safe environment.
However, actually I think I am just a very simple person in a way to know. Or u can say I am pretty boring. ;( Just a cuppa tea (camomile pls), a book, a blog, a fren. Or the beach. Or the stars. Or a hug. Makes me happy. There's nothing much more I desire I think...
Today Pastor Kay Kiong shared this quote "happiness is not happiness unless it is shared". Truly, thats how I feel. I long for a community whereby I can share. And if not share, actually sitting under the stars with the same unspoken heartbeat and vision is enough. I am a true romantic at heart. :)
So anyway, I'm feeling more cheerful now, having typed until here. =) Thankful that my xiao mei smsed me and asked me out tmr cos she wanted to talk abt stuffs. And I was like aha! Yay, someone whom I can talk to. But still. The silence is quite deafening sometimes.
Not very sure what to blog about, am struggling through some times of letting go of something that is precious again, and cos my fren reminded me of a post I had written 2 years ago, I went back and re-read it. The emotions then were very real, and I remembered I was crying as I was typing. Time doesn't heal, but grace and God coupled with time does.
Grateful for today, being able to pray a closure prayer, tho with much pain in the heart. I know I can so-called bounce back again hiding behind the cheery smile. But this time I really want to work through the pain, because God cares for my emotions a lot.
Silly old me got the time wrong for our meeting today, and so did another DGL. So I was chatting with him for about 1 hr plus as we waited for the meeting. In a way it was a very edifying time for me, cos he was asking me a lot of questions about my mission trips, my job, and the people I had been counseling. He is a few years younger than me and a very good listener. So as I was talking, I felt on the inside, wah, what a journey God has brought me through. And I was surprised by my own life, in a way encouraged to look beyond the problems and to remind myself of God's faithfulness and the uniqueness of my identity.
I think God reminded me of my identity while we had devotion at work on Thursday. As we quietened down and prayed, He showed me the smiling face of my JC fren. And somehow the memories of who I was flooded back. Since I don't know my colleagues that well at work yet, I am quite quiet at work. Whereas in GIC, I can be rather noisy cos I am close to the colleagues, and I think they appreciate my jokes. ;p And then there is this idealistic side of me, a lot of visions & dreams on the inside. And the reflective side that thinks too much. So I've been trying to repress who I really am, because I am adjusting to a new environment. But yup, I think I shd just be myself and be happy for who I am.
I often take a long time to warm up with people. Maybe more so face-to-face. Cos when I was younger, I think my opinion was sometimes shouted down at. So I have a lack of confidence in voicing my views. It is only when I know I am in a safe environment, that I share openly how I feel on the inside. That's why blogging, emailing and msning is so much easier for me to share. Even in church and in previous work place, I think I took more than 6 mths to a year before I finally can show my true self to them. But then again, I don't show all I am because some thoughts on the inside I feel are quite radical and diff from social norms. So when I finally meet someone who understands, it is really like finding a pearl and I just open up cos I know I am in a safe environment.
However, actually I think I am just a very simple person in a way to know. Or u can say I am pretty boring. ;( Just a cuppa tea (camomile pls), a book, a blog, a fren. Or the beach. Or the stars. Or a hug. Makes me happy. There's nothing much more I desire I think...
Today Pastor Kay Kiong shared this quote "happiness is not happiness unless it is shared". Truly, thats how I feel. I long for a community whereby I can share. And if not share, actually sitting under the stars with the same unspoken heartbeat and vision is enough. I am a true romantic at heart. :)
So anyway, I'm feeling more cheerful now, having typed until here. =) Thankful that my xiao mei smsed me and asked me out tmr cos she wanted to talk abt stuffs. And I was like aha! Yay, someone whom I can talk to. But still. The silence is quite deafening sometimes.
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