What I really want

Its interesting how when we go through tough seasons, these are usually some of the most fruitful seasons as well.

God is doing a deep work in my heart for the past 2 weeks, which are a bit personal to share here. Nevertheless, I believe that His healing will come, and closure will come. I am clinging on to Him.

During this season, church life is getting busy with the building up of activities! I'm learning a lot of things through leading my discipleship group, who are made up of 5 other young intelligent women! (heh I just paid a compliment to myself) This is interesting because in the past my cell had been a youth cell in CHC, and the demographics is definitely very different. Through different ocassions, God is teaching me to love, and at the same time, showing me how much He loves each one of us. U know, sometimes I think God really loves the abandoned and the marginalized, and I need to see His heartbeat for the city dwellers as well. He loves them abundantly indeed.

And so, yep, in the midst of the painful workings in the heart, I find that ministry aspect is so fruitful, and really somehow His grace is keeping everything afloat. And I believe that prayer has also worked amazing things in hearts.

I had pretty good fellowship and fruitful chats with my colleagues as well. And had the opportunity to encourage a few who are feeling down about work. Managed to share Christ through a few ocassions.

One of the topics of conversations these days, is the ques of why did I decide to work in a non-profit?
I've been telling people it is a non-profit ofcos, but yesterday as I was sharing with my colleague, the most coherent thing came out from within. I told him that I had encountered God's love, and hence also hope that others can experience this love. And that in every decision we make, we choose something that is of value to us. I am merely choosing something that is of value to me, and will make me happier.
These days I've been thinking about what I really want. There are various non-profit things that one could be doing, various grps to reach out to, various counseling to different individuals. And as I searched deeper, I realise what I want is not to help people perse by meeting their emotional and physical needs, I hope to have a ministry whereby I can administer God's healing upon people. That's why I don't think I want to become a counsellor or psychologist. I hope really to pray for people, and for the Holy Spirit to work in their lives to bring restoration. As for the target group, I think that EVERYONE needs God and Singapore has many needs. But I think there must be people who are willing to go to areas where there is no light at all. In Singapore there are many churches and social organizations! In the past, I thought that every christian should share the same passion for people overseas, I realise usually they do care, but to talk about an overwhelming passion, I think it is a calling for one to feel so deeply about these issues. I think God must be calling me. I'm not sure. I hope to find out in the next couple of years.

Hush, now.

Happy V Day one and all! Yesterday, poignant thoughts filled my mind. I'm so so so going to miss my colleagues! Sobz. Happy lunches with them.
So going to miss my two big LCD pc screens, my cosy spacious corner and seat.
And the pantry with yummy cheezels and mamee and hot chocolate.
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Lots of time to think these days as I make my escape from office at 6ish everyday for the past few days. My project has finished so I'm tying up loose ends plus doing some adhoc stuff. Not that busy. My heart feels a bit heavy though. There is a void in my heart. Of missings and yearnings.
So I get to go home early and I settle down on my bed with a book or the bible, or I watch TV with my parents. Get to spend lots of time with them these days. And mum was so sweet yesterday, cooking nice food for V-day! :) There was avocado salad, potato salad, spring rolls, miso soup and prawns. =) God has somehow drawn my family closer together in these recent times, and I am so thankful!
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Because work is less busy, I get to chat with my colleagues much more too. Some of whom are drowning in their work, and I am glad in one way or another, being able to listen to their grouses and I hope I've made them feel better! Whether it is grouses about colleagues, work or family pressures, I pray that God's grace may see them through. One morning a few days ago, I walked down the MRT tunnel and slowed down my pace. I saw masses of people rushing down the tunnel in their shirts, ties and business bags. Rush rush and rush. ;p Hush now. I hope we all get time to hush down and rest. I pray the God of love will fill all our hearts. And we may see meaning in the things we do.
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A few nights ago, while I was praying, I saw the vision of a heart as I closed my eyes. A pair of hands was holding the heart. Yes, and protecting it.
The heart was whole, and it was red with blood, filled with His love. I felt the the love of God, speaking to me in deep areas.
Thank You for loving me, Jesus. :)
Me: Why do u love me Jesus?
Jesus: I just do.

Blessed feelings

Just had my reunion dinner and I feel quite happy! Managed to chat with my cousin while we had some time alone waiting for the rest, and we talked about religion, family and other perspectives. So I'm thankful. And also being able to host the reunion this year at home was nice! The aunts and uncles, cousins and nephews made the whole place bustle with energy. I guess, I am pretty much a people person, and enjoy connecting and building relationships with people.

Today until the reunion dinner, there was this secret fear that plagued my heart. There was this sense of insecurity, and fear of being alone. And connecting with people just now has very much healed it. :) I guess there are a few relationships and friendships that I really treasure in my life. And sometimes, I realise how insecure I become and oversensitive over little things, be it through actions or conversations. So I start second guessing what people really mean, when actually, they do care about me.

Sometimes, I think this insecurity also carries itself into my relationship with God. Cos there are days when I feel so radically loved and blessed by Him. There are other days when He seems far from me. But whether I feel loved or not, I need to anchor myself in His word and remind myself of how He really loves me.

So anyway at this moment, I feel really blessed and loved! And just now washing the plates and bowls made me happy too. I feel so gainfully employed. haha. :) And anyway, now that I've cleaned up my room, and put up some nice photos, I like my room a lot too! Its such a nice little cosy corner to myself. And somewhat a shelter. :)

More than enough

Gave thanks to God as I came home today. Spent the day reading, went to the World Vision One Life (AIDS) exhibition, and then met up with HY for some shopping for CNY clothes! :)
Got myself one top and one dress.

Basically, God has always been more than enough for both me and my family. We have never been lacking, so I give thanks as I abound in plenty.

When I told my colleagues my career switch to the social sector, some of them also mentioned they had to stick on to the job cos they have families to support! I do give my parents regular family contributions, but I know that they are not dependent on me.

Having said that, I think I could be quite happy with simplicity. So both of that added up, makes me a good candidate for going into ministry work! :) (Though I have not really experienced very very simple life- in all honesty. But I don't think I spend that much on clothes & assessories for instance)

Anyway I just wanted to give thanks to God, because I know He has brought my family and I so far, I know He will continue to provide. :) I somehow think that this may just be a start to something more in the future.

Oh yah, I didn't mention where I will be going. Most likely, I will be working in a non-profit, coordinating their overseas humanitarian projects, by sending teams there etc, travel there with them sometimes, but mostly based in Singapore.

Oh dear, this post has been quite incoherent I think. Just too many thots jumping around.

Graduation

The difference betw graduation from school and leaving a job is this- after u graduate, u are supposed to be receiving yr results for the past 2-4 years of hard work. Its when it comes into culmination. Whereas once u leave a job, no one pays u a leaving job compensation or reviews yr work to say u have done well! Yet a pride wells within at one's acheivements. Which may not neccessarily be uttered by bosses lips or a written testimony. But with a clear conscience, one knows he/she has done work to the best of his/her ability. And yes, leaves behind a legacy for future generations in the company. After all, one does not hand in assignments to be graded, but one's input affects actual outcomes in the company. ;p That system being implemented, processes reviewed, projects that go live. ;)

So yes, I've tendered and my last day at work will be ard mid-april! This must have been one of my life's hardest decision. But after making it, I actually feel tremendously relieved, happy and excited about the future. :) Though there is a bit of uncertainty, and loads of sentimentalism, I know I am happy.

Yesterday, the project I was working on went "Live". It was the cutover date. :) I'm quite happy with the best I've done, all in God's grace of cos. Looking back, He has been sustaining me for the past 3 years.

I shall share again. :)