Martha Martha...

I've been feeling like Martha these days...very unrestful, very busy and very tired with all the things I am supposed to do. Today while sitting at the office, I suddenly felt like not doing anything at all. My brain just froze. But tmr is another day, and tmr and tmr and tmr...
I've been trying to rush a research paper and have been staying later than usual last week. Its a vertical learning curve trying to understand all the different new terms and receiving emails that don't look readable. By the time I am home it is 9pm! Washing up, having dinner, washing bowls, and then squeezing in the time to do some minor housework. After which finally, I can sit down and have some quiet time and space by myself. Sigh, I feel like a robot.

Thursday a speaker came to share with us at CF. This lady who is quite high ranked in the banking sector, and she encouraged us a lot through her testimonies of how she shared Christ with people around her. And one Psalms that she shared really cut through my heart:

Ps 131:
1Lord, my heart is not haughty, Nor my eyes lofty. Neither do I concern myself with great matters, Nor with things too profound for me. 2 Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, Like a weaned child with his mother; Like a weaned child is my soul within me. 3 O Israel, hope in the Lord From this time forth and forever.

Oh like a weaned child...I just need my papa's arms to comfort me once again, where I can find rest for my soul.

The 10,000 visitor

My blog has hit 10,100 as of today, out of the 2 years and 2 months it has been up. This means that per month there are 389 vistors, and per day about 13 vistors. Some of whom ofcos are just caused by the same person refreshing the page. Nevertheless, still quite a harkening response to my blog. hahaha....BTW if u are one of those who secretly read, maybe its time for u to make some comments to say hi or something? :)

Thanks for yr support!

A prayer for kindness

Dear God, thank you for being kind and patient with me, even though I sometimes act like an immature little girl. You know it is a steep learning curve for me being a caregiver. But I thank you Lord, for the years and hours and sweat that my parents have spent on me. Surely many more times than whatever I can ever give. I pray that You will give me grace to overcome this, and that I may learn independence and courage. Give me grace, give me Your strength Lord, when all else fails. Thank You for Your gracious love most of all. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

Feeling much happier, today wasn't as bad as I thought after all. :) Yah, and I get my quiet time with my blog and book in hand now. :) It was good to see mummy smile and say to dad, u found a good helper! :) So rewarding.

Tired

I've been feeling miserable for the past few days. And today, I am feeling tired after wiping the floors with magic mop cleaners, hanging the clothes and ironing the clothes, and mum calling my name from afar to help her do things here and there- just when I am in the midst of something (like now!). And there is a whole pile of clothes that needs to be folded. I know I shdn't be feeling this way, but I can't help these feelings of weariness. And this small whinny voice that says, its a saturday, u shd be out with yr frens, or you could be reading, or you could be doing that counseling assignment due in April, or you could be catching up on some sleep, remember?

Arrrghs. : (

I hope I learn to be more big hearted and patient...I hope that God will give me the grace to pass the next few weeks and months. I pray dear Lord, grant me love...grant me the capacity...

Expectations of myself and others...
Was reading this bit in my psych text on depression, and it says that we shd encourage counselees to manage expectations. I'm still trying to manage my expectations, I desperately want to be a good daughter, a social activist, an encouraging cell group member, an efficient office worker and a loving friend. Woweee, this list overwhelms me. And yah...I hope that I can learn to manage my expectations and to learn to be joyful in simple things.

Onions

Onions have many layers, just like people. People who seem to have it altogther on the surface, yet if we care to know people better, the layers slowly peal off and reveal insecurity, loneliness and vulnerability at the core.
I confess that I feel intimidated when I meet people who are confident & happy. I'm afraid to relate on a closer level, because, what if they peal off my layers and discover my fears?
But yet, it is with this willingness to be vulnerable to others, that we discover what is on the inside. The soul is a treasure in a broken vessel. And how joyful it is, to connect with others stripped off our pretence and strong front that we put up.
More often than not, we don't just discover others, we discover ourselves.
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I enjoyed the cell group meeting yesterday. I was so so blessed by the testimony shared by the 2 brothers. Never knew their background, because of how they always seem to have a strong front and never shared much about their problems. A good time for me to take a step back and realise that my problems are not as overwhelming afterall, cos they are universal problems that everyone faces. And I've grown in this process I guess, to learn to grit my teeth and move on, instead of wallowing in self pity.

Had lunch with Clare, my colleague in GIC, and christian fellowship mate. Was very blessed by the discussion that we had on simplicity and finances. I'm glad to have a friend like her who challenges my thinking and helps me to think from alternative points of view. :)
Once again starting to enjoy fellowship, and learning what community living means. Such a joy to share lives with each other, and God has put us together so that we may encourage one another. I'm glad that as I leaned towards being judgemental, that God has been good enough to pull me back to the other side and see from a different perspective, aka, to look beyond the onion layers into the core. And to release love instead, and trust that He is the one who is ultimately in-charged to work within the lives of others.

SEForum 2007

Finally its here!
You can sign up here:

http://www.seforum.sg/

SEforum believes that the world's most intractable problems urgently need innovative solutions that spur positive systemic change.

On March the 31st, Saturday, 9am to 1pm; at Suntec International Convention & Exhibition Centre (Theatre) Level 3,

SEforum 2007 will uncover the concept of Full Economic Citizenship: How individuals, businesses and governments have a role to play as change agents to create an inclusive, fair and sustainable global economy.

Speakers: Chris Cusano, Ashoka Asia Representative; Claire Chang, President of Singapore Compact; & Ken Ito, Founder of the Social Venture Fund in Tokyo.

SEforum 2007 brings together best-practices of social enterprises in Taipei, Hong Kong and Singapore. These 3 Asian cities face common social challenges: a rapidly globalizing economy with little certainty of jobs, an aging population and a widening income gap. Findings of the CAFO tri-city research on social enterprises will be presented at the forum, shedding light on successful business models and effective solutions to challenges faced.

Speakers: Marie Lisa Dacanay, Asian Institute of Management; Gillan Koh, IPS; Josephine Lee, St James Settlement, HK

Is there really love?

I washed the (gasp!) toilets today at home! Yr reaction to this depends on which camp you are on- the camp that has never washed the toilet in yr life; the camp that has always been washing toilets at home- good for u. ;)
Well, it was ahem...a meaningful experience, I guess. And quite therapeutic cos of the scrubbing of the floors and seeing the black stains removed. Yeah! Yupp...this is my first attempt at washing the toilets @ home, have only washed the toilets in church back then in Tanjong Katong road days.

Was feeling tired after the long long week + hanging clothes + washing toilets. And then went to the Soul2soul concert tonight. Wow, it was really good, and I enjoyed myself listening to the band. Good songs leading to an amazing theme. ;) I guess many of those in the audience would agree with me. The songs spoke to the heart, because...what other thing then love and relationships that often trouble us?

Loving my neighbour

Hmmm, havent been updating this blog for some time. Anyway been under quite a bit of stress. Starting to have deadlines at the office. But been feeling the stress too, with the daily visits to the hospital and housework to do! Mum is emotionally down cos she is physically very immobile. Think it will take a month before she can walk without the clutches. Meanwhile, she is still nursing at the hospital.

I finally understand what Anil meant when he said that we should not put poor people into categories of poverty (wrt to jeffrey sachs book), because he said, if yr neighbour had a colour TV set, and you don't, then you are poor. In a way that is true, because from a micro perspective, when I compare my mum with other poor people, she is definitely much more well off. But yet why do I feel so sad for her? Because she is my mum. And in this aspect it is hard to weigh who is suffering more or less. All I know is, she is in front of me, and she is suffering, per se.

One of those days where I feel very tired, and feel like I've woken up on the wrong side of bed. But I know that this week will pass by quickly. And His grace will be sufficient for me. :)

Teach me dear Lord, to number my days.

Heartache

Mum messaged to say that she had sprained her ankle, but I wasn't prepared when I got home to see the swollen foot that was all purplelish. :( Broke my heart to see the pain. She went to hospital for a xray, and turns out that she had fractured her foot. There's also an infection causing the swollenness. When the swell subsides, she can then go for an operation to insert a metal plate. The house feels quiet now with mum at the hospital.

I've decided not to go to Africa for the trip. Quite a painful decision to make. But decided that compromise is for the good of the future. Can't help still having this feeling of being entrapped. My emotion has been going on a rollar coaster ride.

I've been listening to Reuben Morgan's CD World Through Your Eyes for this whole week, have at least replayed the CD 10 times this week. I feel very encouraged by the songs. At times I feel so strong in the Lord that I can conquer every battle that comes my way. At other times, I feel so deflated by my situation that I just feel so sad and depressed.

It has been quite a stressful & busy week for me. Just know that the breakthrough is coming, gotto pray through the burdens and keep my eyes fixed on Him.

I like this song, and the story behind it

Comfort me,
Brenton Brown

You are the God that never sleeps
Your eyes are watching over me
You promised mercy with no end
And I need Your help again

Comfort me, I need you right now
Comfort me, 'cause I don't know how
I'm in need (Jesus) and there's no one else who will do
The only God I need is You

A God who lived this life on earth
You know the heartache and the hurt
You said You'd comfort those in pain
And I need Your help again

My God my God why have you forsaken me?
My God my God why have you abandoned me?
My God my God why have you forsaken me?
My God my God...