I've moved!

Hihi..I've been so busy moving house for the past few days and there was no internet access! Hence the lack of updates.

Its a mixture of emotions, but thank God that everything went smoothly, and it was relatively peaceful at home. :) Even though there were sparks of disagreements here and there ranging from where to put the towels to the books to missing keys etc etc. But overall, God has been gracious. There's still some things I've to unpack and rack my brains abt where to squeeze them. Yeah..so phew, but anyway I can take a breather now!! Thank God!

Dad has been bz and good...driving the stuff to and fro and most of all, installing the computer and restoring the internet! Heh...can't live without it.

Hmmm.....moving also taught me a few principles. I guess the first thing is when I started packing I realised what a whole lot of things I have! A lot of them are gifts from ple, whether it is clothes, accessories, soft toys etc. I've moved a lot of them here and some of them I don't know where to put! Cos I don't really like the accessories for instance, and I have too much of them! A lot of purchases from my mum. Haha. ;) And then for the soft toys, I've chucked behind some newer ones and took the older ones with sentimental value. At the end of the day, value is measured in terms of the meaning behind the item, as opposed to the valuation of the item.

Essentials- My books! One whole row of them behind my bed, heh. First thing that I placed in my room! :) Ideas, thoughts, inspirations, all inside my brains now, I hope....wah...the wealth of knowledge.

Letters letters and more letters, one whole box of them. Now I don't know where I should put them! Full of sentimental value. I think I would cry if I lost them. Esp some of those really meaningful ones from friends, whether it is thanksgiving or words of encouragement, really mean a lot to me.

The destination- Packing was tough, unpacking at the new house was more pleasant. Just like living in the present without a vision of the future is tough. What am I working so hard for? Where will this ultimately lead me? Ahh..its only when u are at the destination, and u can have a view of it, then it encourages u to work hard for something. This has been true for these 1.5 years. It has been tough seeing where the labour leads me to. I'm not sure where is my final destination. But I've faith that it has gotto be good, and that God is in control of wherever I am, will be going, and His loving hand is upon me.

I'm just blabbering non-stop, I guess its to let out all the days of not talking that much!

Today's sermon was GREAT, it was about thanksgiving. Giving thanks and being thankful! Three things pastor said affected us- being critical, complaining and comparing! One of the things he said spoke to me- don't complain, but be the solution. He surprised me by saying there are at least 30 things he thinks can be improved in the church, yet he is not complaining but serving. And many times, when we have a critical spirit, it is because we don't examine ourselves. How true. I think there is a lot for me to examine of myself.

It has been a tough year, mostly cos of my own attitude about things. If I had held a better attitude, seen things in different manner, I guess I would have been happier! Nevertheless, as the new year comes, I pray that I may learn each day to be thankful for all that He has blessed me. He has indeed been good. My thanksgiving item list spans up to 30 plus items. The Lord gives and take-away, and I've been struggling really really hard with the things I like/passionate about/desire, and I've been unhappy. I realise in all these, God showed me my heart- I wasn't really satisfied in Him. I really don't desire Him, and there are all sorts of holes in my heart in the shape of people & dreams. I pray that in the new year, He will continue to grant me the grace to surrender all that I love to Him, to delight in Him. His greatest calling, is not to ministry but to Him alone. I pray I may be satisfied in that.

Poignant night

Christmas eve as usual inspires poignant thoughts. Somehow it just feels like the season for reflecting and ruminating.

Have been packing my stuff for moving house, and I came across loads and loads of letters & cards, that they filled up almost one cardboard box! =) Re-read some of the letters my penpals/netpals sent to me. Remember those days in IRC when I logged online everyday in search of friends to talk to. Seems like these days emails and blogging have replaced the good old letter writing.

Actually got nothing much to say here. Its christmas eve and I am at home! Had dinner with my family and now I am eating chocolate and rum cake. :) Extremely tasty!

A bless Christmas. May we remember the reason for the season! =)

Deep Sorrow & Pure Joy

I felt a very deep sorrow last night. Don't know if it was like the dark night of the soul. But it was scary.
God has been speaking to me to give up things that are dear to me, and to put Him first. And this is a trying period to trust Him in every step of the way.

Moving house has been trying. Lots of misunderstandings with my parents. I know that dad is looking forward to the terrace house, and wondering why we were so 'unthankful'. I wished he knew what I needed/wanted was not the tangible stuffs, but all I wanted was for the family to be able to dwell together in harmony and love. Be it in a 3 room flat or a terrace house, the meaning behind a 'home' entails much more than a physical building. And so I was in deep sorrow last night, wondering if they will ever understand what the poor and the needy means to me. That I would rather be able to bless one of them, then to dwell in a big terrace house. That love is much more meaningful to me in this way.

Still my heart Lord, and grant me peace and joy in the midst of the challenges.

In this season, this song is meaningful to me:

"Thankful"- Josh Groban

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

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"The Cross, as it enters the love life, will reveal the heart's truth. My heart, I knew, would be forever a lonely hunter unless settled 'where true joys are to be found."


"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts."

"Life requires countless 'little' deaths- occasions when we are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God... We are not meant to die merely in order to be dead. God would not want that for the creatures to whom He has given the breath of life. We die in order to live."

"Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge. Remember that you are not alone"

"I realised that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."

Passion & Purity by Elizabeth Eliot

I hope that these will bless yr heart, as much as it has blessed mine.

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Had dinner with EY yesterday. Hey bro, I know u are reading this! :) Thankful to see that you are much happier now. I was very much affirmed by your words last night. I hope that u will find the even greater Gift of life! =)

Also received 2 christmas cards in the office. Was encouraged by the words in the cards.

At the end of my life, I hope I have made a difference to some. Sometimes, it is not the length of one's life, but how did one make use of his/her life.

I pray for such deep intangible joys in the spirit that all of us may experience. That true joy of knowing the meaning behind christmas- yes, and for myself to truly know it as well.

我要的喜乐和平静， 只在耶稣里

Just now Ed called me and prayed for me over the phone! He prayed for not just peace, but also JOY. Thankful for that. Yes yes, I don't just want to be peaceful, but I want to have the joy of christmas, knowing the meaning of christmas, that brings with it hope and redemption. :)
Work has sort of settled down, and today at the office, all is quiet. It is comfortable sitting at my desk doing some documentation and replying the deadlogs of emails. With the nice furry arm rester I got for christmas (thanks babe heh), it is providing much comfort.

All is not lost, all is at rest.

Isaiah 43:1-4
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; ... Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..."

Thank you for yr promise of rest, guidance, of being with me.

Purpose

A friend said that his life is to fulfill God's purpose, and if he finds someone along the way to walk with him, that is a bonus. I can vaguely see where he is coming from now, because if u have a purpose that u find fulfilment in, then perhaps this sense of fulfilment is so satisfying that u do not require having a mate to walk with you.

Another fren got cancer recently, am going to visit him tmr. He is thankful at this time to be able to share Christ with his colleagues. I can't imagine that he thinks of sharing God's love with others at his moment of need. And yes I am thankful and really encouraged.

We have only one life to live.

Read the story of the dog lying on a pin. It laid there for a very long long time, and yet it didn't bulge, even though it was painful. So many of us are like that. I wonder how long we can endure the threshold of pain. Or is it that ultimately, we don't see that there is a greater purpose to life, and simply live day by day to get by our lives?

Eventful week

Thank God for seeing me through another really eventful week. Tmr I am on leave so I can pack my books and clothes for moving house! :) Much needed rest and sleep deficit.

Met up with R just now, been such a long long time since I met him. Guess we were both pretty edified by our conversations, and I thank God for how He has been working in his life!

As it comes to the end of the year and I might be serving as a leader again in church, some memories come flooding back. I am not sure if I have totally resolved the past issues, but I do feel His peace to start afresh again, and He has encouraged me in Psalms 27, about how when we dwell in the house of God, we will find protection amidst all uncertainty.

Sometimes I think I am living on borrowed time. And these 2 months esp went by in a blur. A mixture of deep emotions on the inside that I sometimes don't have time to reflect on. Just been rushed from one place to another, and been pretty much reactive rather than reflective. But yet I have been reflecting too, guess sometimes its just hard to capture in full all the thoughts.

Christmas is coming and I havent bought anyone any christmas present at all! Except for one friend cos her bday was coming too!I feel so embarrassed I got no time to wrap the present. ;/ I've no time to go shopping and I need sleep desperately. haha.

Just finished the op homeworks last weekend, yesterday we had christmas outreach, and then next few days would be trying to pack my stuffs for moving. =D And yes I need to think about my life and the next move next year. Most likely to be a major switch. Do feel that I've reached the end of some stuffs, and will like to explore something else next year!

Oh yes, Social Innovators Forum yesterday was really inspiring. Esp liked the speaker from Hagar International reaching out to Cambodian women =) Was really so blessed and inspired to just GO THERE AND DO SOMETHING!

Shall rest tonight and tmr be a restful & recharging day!

What Christmas means?

Houses of Hope (II) - one room flat cleaning I organized for my company happened on Saturday! My team was allocated to a one room flat which had small black marks all over the walls (will upload some photos later), which were really bed bug nests. So we used the cleaning materials to spray on the wall and had to scrub really hard. No more need for gym for the week.

How does this relate to Christmas:

1) Humility

Christmas, the day when Jesus was born in a manger. Jesus was God, yet He humbled Himself and became man, so that He could bear our sins on the cross. Jesus is the humble king, who came to serve than be served.

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.

Phil 2:5-8

Who else should we follow, but the likeness of our master, to now give our lives to be a service to others. As we scrubbed the walls and the floors, it was an act of service to the under privileged.

And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.'

Matt 25:40

Is there someone u can serve this christmas?

2) Hope

Christmas brings with it hope.
"That was the true Light which gives light to every man coming into the world."
John 1:9
Is there someone around you in need of hope?

"Then the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people.'"
Luke 2:10

It was nice bringing our little pieces of hope into the one room flats. The new ikea bed sets and cabinets look good in the one room flats! :)

3) Love
For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, the greatest love in history that can ever be given.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
John 13:35-36

What better way to demonstrate God's love to others than through physical service. To love those whom society has forgotten, to include those who are marginalized. To be God's hands and legs.

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I've been feeling a bit under the weather for these few days, think it is cos I've too many things on my mind. I've to shake off these feelings of loneliness when I am fighting battles! Moving house on the 28th of December, plus loads of projects in the company. Really living each day by His grace, fighting the Z monster.

Finding Job & Dating

Can't believe I spent almost 30 min on Facebooks doing very frivalous stuffs!!

Things are beginning to come into a slower momentum in the office, as the projects start to settle into a more comfortable pace. Thank God. I had a quiet moment by myself today during lunch time, went to Pacific Coffee with bible in tow to do some reading.

And I did some reflection! I suddenly thought of something quite weird, the parallels betw finding a job and dating! Finding a job is a bit like dating....It takes time to discover if a job is really suitable for u...At first sight, a job description sounds like what you will like. But upon a deeper pondering of yr life goals and preferences, maybe the particular job does not feel like it will last u throughout yr lifetime. Ofcos in this age and era, people job hop like nobody's business, yet I guess there are particular fields that suit yr preferences/interests and passion, and it prob won't change for a long long time.My ideal job constitutes interaction with people. Being able to be of help to someone, to see a smile on the face, esp on the faces of people who are broken hearted and marginalized. I like youths, but I am not sure if that is the core to my ideal job, as I can also interact with youths on other basis like in church ministry. I guess the underlying call, is the gift of mercy, to love the unwanted ones, to heal the broken hearted. That's where I guess the iffy grey area comes, cos a job that allows lotsa interaction with youths comes along, and then it feels somewhat like it, but it is also somewhat not like it.

One of the recent passions I discovered is I like to travel! My ideal job also brings me traveling. And want to go to lotsa developing countries, interacting with people there. Funny thing is, local VWOs and doing social enteprises for them doesn't excite me as much as overseas stuff like microfinancing or agricultural development.

The weird part is, even though I like relating and meeting new people, I also need my space to be able to sit quietly behind my desk and write some report or polish up some writings. 8)

I don't like administration or handling nitty gritty details. I am more of a big picture kinda person. I don't like routine, like some variation & challenges. Yet I also like some kind of defined boundaries around me, don't like things to become too iffy!!

haha...now I have totally lost the first train of thought about dating! I guess everyone of us has our criteria in terms of our life partner. Some stuff can be compromised, but some are core values that u know u definitely want in yr partner. I guess one must be able to envision a future with that particular person. But how the other must also share the same sentiments, thats not easy! There could be something u like about a person, yet because of that minute difference, the both of u run on parallel tracks and u never meet. Hopefully the tracks meet someday.

I guess in terms of work & relationship I do know what I want. At least that's what I think for now.

Beautiful in His time

I'm pretty groggy now, spent the night at our new house which is already furnished with mattresses and some furniture from the previous owner. :) Yes it is a beautiful house that my dad bought and we have just been given the keys! We are contemplating whether to move there, but most likely we will. The terrace house is quiet, and spacious, and I get my own room! =) Thank God for His providence. This house is somehow like a dream house I imagined myself to stay in when I was younger! Yet it comes as a dilemma, for I know if I were to purchase a house, I would purchase a simple flat. Knowing that millions out there have not even a roof over their heads, and yet I'm comfortable and snug in my big house. I don't know what to say, except to give thanks, and to pray that I may make my own life count and be a good steward of my finances- and possibly my parents' finances in the future.

Anyhow, I am looking forward to having my own room. A cosy room where I can decorate as I like. My own space. And also the third floor has a opened air corner and a little swing, where I can imagine myself praying, looking into the sky, and reflecting!

Spent a good lots of time this morning with my family, and brought them to Eighteen Chefs. It is a social enteprise founded by Benny Setoh, an ex-offender and my friend! ;) Got to know him through Pastor Don (the pastor whom I went to Indonesia with). Before he started the restaurant, I met him a few times to discuss the business plan. Heh. But in the end, I wasn't involved in the founding of the restaurant. If you are familiar with Jaime Oliver's Fifteen restaurant, Jaime picks up street kids and trains them to be chefs. Benny also hopes to do the same thing, to set up a cooking school to train up ex-offenders/street kids, equip them with skills and yes, inspire them with new hope for the future. Anyhow I was glad- never thought it would happen- that my parents came with me to dine at the place, and got to talk to Benny as well. Yay. =) It is part of opening and sharing my life with them I guess.

And so....He makes all things beautiful in His time. We talked abt jobs as well, and dad seems to have softened his stance on me working in a non-profit. I am so thankful. I see a light.

Along the topic of wayward youths, had dinner with a ex church mate last night. And as she was telling me abt the things that had been going on at home, and with her cousins, I almost wanted to cry. I am glad to have the opportunity to hear her stories. Too sheltered....really too sheltered. In my circle of friends, people with relatively stable families, well educated.... Yet in the same country Singapore, people going through multiple abortions, family abuse using choppers and knives. And I'm like...why? I'm like...God, show me more of this, but protect my heart. Let it be soft always. Let it beat with yr heartbeat. And I pray that the christian community may live in a way that is Christ-like, lifting our eyes above our problems, to look upwards, and to look outwards.

And so...it is a good ending to the year. :) I know the next year will be a fresh start. Like Peter being restored by Jesus after he had betrayed Him, this almost feels like it. I don't know if I've betrayed Him, but I know I felt I've failed in many ways. And Fel sharing her testimony at church greatly encouraged me, almost like God gave me a good fruit and reinstated me. Yes, to serve Him again. To have the courage to minister again. :)

The Star

And so, Yoyo and Momo reached the middle of the forest. And Yoyo said, come lets depart from here and go our separate routes. Momo protested. She had enjoyed the company of her travel companion. Yoyo affirmed her, though we will be taking separate routes, if we fix our eyes on the star up there, we will reach the same place.
And so one year passed and the next. Momo enjoyed the walk through the forest and once in a while, when she ate a tasty wildberry, she thought in her heart, how nice it would be if I could share this with Yoyo. What kind of berries would he be eating on the other side? Is the scenery as beautiful? There was always the star up there to guide.
Surely, not all was smooth, and there were dark days of missing her travel companion. There were other days when she met other travel companions and it was enjoyable talking to them! Some days, Yoyo completed slipped off her mind! Those were the days when the Star shone so brightly, that she was mesmerized. :) Some days she wanted to shout into the forest, shout atop of the hill in search of her beloved. Yet, she did not because it may distract him from his journey.
Another year has passed. Would she meet him on the route again? If not, other travel companions? If not, the Star comforts still. Yoyo had said, remember, our ultimate destination is not to find each other, it is to find the Star. With that in mind, she braced herself again. Just last week, a lion chased after her while she ran gasping for breath in the dark. The forest appeared extremely dark, except for the still quiet presence of the Star. And it was extremely comforting. The light from the star wrapped the whole forest and shimmers of light reflected from the leaves.

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This has been a tired week, and my brain is frozen! A short story that encapsulates many underlying issues. I'm tired!
In the midst of my tiredness, there is a peace from within. There is a comfort and grace to go through it all.
In all things, giving thanks. :)

Thank u Lord for Fel's life as she shares her testimony in church tmr.
Thank u Lord for Mum as she celebrated her bday today. Thank u for the yummy food.
Thank u Lord for the fund raising in the company.
Thank u Lord when I did not understand how to do the documentation, Ur grace & wisdom was with me.
Thank u Lord for the presentation that went well even though I didn't have time to prepare it.
Thank u Lord in my groggy state of mind for helping me to pull thru this week!

Thanksgiving

Thankful that today is Friday! After a long week of work & challenges, mid-week was really crazy, worked until 830 and 9pm. So was really tired, and had to rely on God's grace to see me through. I've a project that is at its peak this month all the way to Feb, and its pretty stressful cos my boss is going on maternity leave. But yup, grateful for His grace to see me through.

Next week we are also doing our fund raising event during the lunch time. The idea my colleagues and I came up with was to turn a collage of photos (volunteers, elderly etc) into a jigsaw puzzle of 300 pieces. Thankfully another colleague's husband owns a photo developing shop. And yep, it came for free. Everyone who pays $10 gets to pledge a piece of puzzle, i.e. to fit a piece into the jigsaw. :) All donations will go to Habitat for Humanity. Today the publicity posters were completed just in time for the event next week! I get so so so excited planning these comm service events. Yet it is quite a stretching period for me, with the project to handle and planning for this. But it warms my heart indeed. :)

Met up with a couple of colleagues today from the christian fellowship, as we planned out the vision ahead for the second time. We came to a deadlock. But I guess what I liked about it was the grace we gave each other, and the patience. Thankful also for the campus crusade ple who came to facilitate the session. This was the second meeting since the retreat we had on deepavali. One of the things that became quite clear to me was the way God had shaped me, esp at this season, with a deep love for social causes, to see the poor and hurting being healed. It just wells up on the inside of me and fuels me up. I want to see God in the market place as well, and being able to encourage ple in the company. But right now the inclination seems strong towards the social side. This has been on my heart for quite long I think, and I am not sure how it will go.

Praying lots. Sometimes I come to a standstill and seem to be moving ard in circles. Sometimes it seems bleak and I don't know what lies ahead in the future. Yet something tells me God has a firm hold of me, and never lets me go through it all. I'm an emotional gal I know, and so often my feelings fluctuate up and down. But I think these few months it has been slightly better, learning to renew myself in His word.

Expectations. God is teaching me lots of that. Expectations about ple and relationships. So many times had to surrender to God, and to learn to love people with a pure heart. Learning to pray for others, to let God work in their lives. To give space to others to grow and heal. To deal with the emotions of insecurity & fears surfacing on the inside of me. I guess yup, it has been pretty challenging. Learning and growing. :) Oh Lord help me become more like you!

The secret of the gapping hole

I'm having a long weekend cos Thurs was a public holiday, and yesterday I took a day off. Unfortunately I still have to finish up some work, and will be going back to office later in the afternoon too. I try not to get too bogged down by work demands, but it has been lingering in my mind for almost the whole of yesterday after a certain incident on Thursday. This lingering feeling of dullness and heaviness is no good.

Re-read a sms sent by Aunty M to me a mth back or so, she encouraged me by saying, give grace, because God has given much grace, and that I am the fragrance of Christ wherever I go. :) I hope I smell good, seriously wherever I go that I may bring Christ with me.

One of the persons I need to give grace to is myself. All along I've always been pushing myself very hard, and I don't like to fail. One of the things God showed me yesterday while I was praying- how expectations of others have consumed me. To be a loving daughter and a successful career woman. More ways than one, I've failed in those roles. Oh but yet I am not defined by these two. I know that I love my parents deeply, in spite of how we struggle to align our perspectives. I know I don't want to be a career woman, but a godly woman. I know I am more interested in social causes than business causes. Coming to an acceptance of oneself, to enjoy oneself and to give grace to oneself.

I've met many ple over the past few years, and many who struggle with self esteem because of the rejection of self. My dear brother and sister reading this, may you know that you are uniquely created in Christ, and there is no second you. Don't allow yourself to be defined by others or yr expectations of yrself, for the Father knows what is good, you just have to come before Him to be yrself.

There's this gapping hole in the heart that seeks to be filled, to be known, to be understood, to be significant. We all find significance in different places. If only we know that this gapping hole is not filled up by any man or woman, but only Christ can provide us with the rivers of living waters, which when one drinks, will never thirst again.

Random

Its late on friday night and I am as usual thankful for the quietness and peace and rest. :)



Had a nice dinner with Felicia @ one of my favourite places - Food for thought. I like the concept of this restaurant. :)







Heh. Me and Fel! I feel so old besides her!

Thanking God for this friendship & mentoring relationship. I've been very blessed to share my life with you felicia! :) I will miss u when u are at Australia.

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Work has been okay this week, not that busy, though the stress level still up. In the space of time, as I am stuck at the computer typing my reports/ reading emails, the mind wanders, and the desires of my heart I have to continuously surrender to God. Really have no idea of what the future holds, sometimes, it is as if time has suspended, and I am hanging loosely in the air. Yet, I know I am not hanging, but resting in the palms of the Father. Oh dear Lord, help me know that You are near, in the uncertain roads ahead, to know that Yr light shines brightly still. :)

One of the questions I have been asking God, what is the meaning of life? What is that elusive purpose that everyone is seeking for? Is it love, significance, possession, status? Will those satisfy the gapping hole in our hearts? I think that humans were created for relationship, to love others, and to be loved back in return. This understanding that we have with each other empowers us to move forward. Indeed love can tide us over the toughest of circumstances.

Who is the source of love?

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Had lunch with A today from Campus Crusade! Quite interestingly, we discussed about some issues in the bible. Its scary how the same verses can have so many interpretations. Thankful for some insights about Acts. Though I still don't fully agree or understand everything.

And now it is time for sleeping. :) God bless my dearest friends with yr peace & love.

Hidden in Christ

Tmr I am on a half day morning leave! It somehow feels that the past few posts have been ramblings...either I've been too tired or was unable to adequately express my thoughts.

I've been thinking abt my thought process, and why sometimes I feel miserable in spite of serving in many areas and doing the best that I can to be a christian. Whenever I encounter a problem, the immediate thought is I am not good enough, I've done something wrong, that's why I failed. Nowadays, whenever I encounter challenges, I try and correct my thinking, to know that Jesus indeed promised trials and tribulations and hard grounds when we seek His purposes, and I shd press on to His highest calling.

I've been thinking a lot about my previous cell groups, esp N272, the youth group that I led. I think back in thankfulness for every single one of the members. And I know there was a special purpose that God placed these guys/gals under my care. Cos I can identify with many of the emotional issues that they faced, and these issues are tricky. They require loads of grace, truth and time to overcome. Yet, have we given ourselves enough grace & time, or have we just focused on the truth and sought for victory over the circumstances?

At the end of the day I realise it is not because I don't believe in God enough, it is because I don't believe in myself enough. I need to believe that God can use me, I am loved by Him no matter how I have performed.

William Carrey said, "Attempt great things for God, expect great things from God."

I don't really like to quantify "great", cos I know in the most humblest of circumstances, that is the highest calling. How many people have obeyed God's call, and yet remain unknown in some slum area where they dedicate themselves to be faithful in what the Lord has for them? Yet, in the mixture of humility & brokenness, that's the irony, whereby we can be great, and expect great things fr God, because we realise that it was never about ourselves, all along about God who is the author and finisher of our faith.

Dear God, I am expecting great things from You. I won't give up in spite of how I feel trapped in my present circumstances. I pray for my family, my work place, my relationships. May You be in control of them. When I go through all challenges for Your name's sake, pls lead me and comfort me with Your loving presence. I pray for my brothers and sisters reading this post, that You will also encourage them to press on to the highest calling in You. Indeed God, we have died to ourselves, and our lives are hidden in You. Help us to know the truth, take away every spiritual blindness. Thank You Lord, In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Don't give up!

:) These days I've been learning the important lesson of perseverance! Not giving up in the face of opposition or discouragement. I guess I have this mindset if something is fr God, then it shd be pretty smooth sailing. But I realise that if something is fr God, all the more there will be opposition & how the enemy will seek to make us feel discouraged. On some days I feel weird in my cause, and then I realise that I should press on anyway, to share with people how I feel about things. Communication is the key to convicting others and sharing lives with others!

I was really glad today Pastor Edmund talked abt money. :) Abt living below our means, and being a good steward of money. Really encouraging to hear the cell discussing about how to live that out practically. :)

Little acts of kindness

Went to watch a movie with my cell yesterday! It was Rendition. Except for a few vague scenes I saw on the TV mobile on my way home, seriously I had no idea what this show was all about. It was amazingly much more thought provoking but also disturbing than I thought it would be. For one, I kept wanting to throw my shoes at the guys torturing the terrorist suspect, stripping him of all his clothes and treating him like an animal. Such a loss of human rights! And also those muslim extremies and the wrong doctrine they hold about sacrificing their lives to kill others being pleasing to God. Yet, the very law enforcers who seek to wipe out terrorism, apply brutality on the extremists, the very same thing that they are trying to prevent. How ironic. And such a vicious cycle. Sigh, such a depressing and disturbing sight.

I often hold this thought, when I freeze and think, hmm..could someone be experiencing something brutal at the same moment as I am eating/sleeping/watching TV? I believe every hr someone is dying or experiencing some kind of injustice. And the thought is just unbearable. There's nothing much I can do to help them except to pray for them. Ahhh...Yah, and contribute my one starfish at a time worth of helping. One day, when God will wipe away every tear in the eye, and His peace will be established in the world. Meanwhile, each day, walking with Christ, we can bring a little more light to the places around us, a little more of His kingdom through our little acts of kindness. :)

I've been rather tired at work of late. But somehow I have a better grasp of some of the things I was struggling with, so it is pretty good. Giving thanks for that. :) Thank God also for friendships that He has blessed me with. Pray that I may continue to walk in thanksgiving.

Happiness :)

This elusive thought of happiness was a theme that popped up for the past few days. And today at service, guess what song we sang? Its not a familiar song to me, nevertheless how sweet the lyrics were to my soul. :)

Trust and obey

When we walk with the Lord
In the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way;
While we do His good will,
He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise,
Not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear,
Not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear,
Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss,
Not a frown or a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove
The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows,
And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet
We will sit at His feet,
Or we'll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do;
Where He sends. we will go,
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Yup...And yesterday night the Lord encouraged me with a verse.

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.
8 We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed-- 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
2 Cor4:7-11

Have been feeling rather emotional of late. Tired too. Hence it was a refreshing time at church today. Kneeling at the altar reminded me of the past in CHC when I knelt before the Lord and told Him I surrendered my life. Somehow, the reassuring words of the Lord, He has Lordship over all areas of my life, and is in control. Thank You Jesus. Past & present intermingled, I've been feeling broken indeed, if not for His mighty hand of grace and His love, yes.....so dear to me.

Taking joy in the climb

This week has been a tough week but thank God that tmr is Friday! :) I'm so blessed by reminders of His goodness. Esp had a good catching up time of dinner with J and E, reminiscing the days of our lives. Thanks gals! And yest's lunch with C was also good. Its so good to be able to share lives!

I'm out of my comfort zone for the past couple of days, and for the next 2-3 mths, it looks pretty heavy going. At the start of the week I was pretty depressed and stressed out, and couldn't sleep well. Just feeling rather tensed up and uncertain about what's ahead. Not too hopeful either of where this seemingly steep mountain would reach a plateau where I can rest and dance a bit. But thankfully during the climb, His grace was ever sufficient with the chirping of birds and some beautiful flowers. Almost like He is saying, slow down and climb and enjoy the climb! I am with you, holding on to your hand tightly.

Really wondering when I will reach the plateau to receive my heart's desire. However He seems to be saying that the process is more impt than the end goal. Learning I guess. to be His disciple everyday, to take up the cross, to be joyful, to learn to delight in Him. I pray that His grace will continue to be sufficient for me through the busy work week, facing giants of intimidation and fears.

Love me for me?

One of those nights, it was 1110pm at the bus stop with no one in sight, when I felt alone and somewhat forsaken.

I've been thinking a lot abt relationships in the past week. Maybe this loneliness is starting to get to me! And wishing for someone to share my life with. One thing though, I realise what would be meaningful in a relationship. Someone who would love you for who you are. Someone who will love you without makeup, with messy hair and crumpled clothes. Someone whom I can be myself with, and wouldn't mind listening to me with attentive ears. Someone who is kind and cares. Sometimes, I miss that someone(s), but yet someone(s) wouldn't fulfil all criterias cos I know he wouldn't be able to love me for who I am.

Oh dear, this is sounding melancholic. One of those nights when I get in-tuned with myself.

I've been reading Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. Its really good book talking about boundaries, accepting oneself for yr good and bad, and growing up to be an adult. Shall share more the next time.

Fish Leong-可惜不是你

这一刻 突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天 今天同时在放映
我这句语气 原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据

差一点 骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己

努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见

可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

那一段 我们曾心贴著心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你 已走进别人风景
多希望 也有 星光的投影

努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见

可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口

Super mega hug from Papa

I am blessed as usual after a trip to another country, and my writings may not be able to capture what exactly has been touched lovingly in the soul.

Trip to Tanjong Balai, my second time to the prisons since Feb this year. http://journey-in-christ.blogspot.com/2007/02/visit-to-prisons.html

For one, I was blessed by the fellowship of believers, Pastor Don & Jack's family both came, wife and kids in tow. It was amazing and changed my perception of kids, seeing how sensible and well-behaved they can be, and how kids can be part of missionary work. ;) It was a joy watching TV with the two young girls and seeing them whisper and play games. The genuinity of children to say how they feel on the inside, to express their fears and their unhappiness. Many of us have those feelings, yet we find hard to express to others.

On the second way, significant to me, was being able to partner and fellowship with the brothers from New Charis, some of whom came from backgrounds of going into and out of prison multiple times, or drug taking. Didn't ask too much about the history, for in Christ, we are all new lives. Like myself, once a sinner and lost, but now redeemed.

Thirdly, being able to eat with the indonesian christians/pre-believers at the halfway house opening ceremony, to sing in Bahasa Indonesian and Hokkien (didn't understand a word) with the christians. I'm still lingering with warm feelings from the hug this morning with a few of the inmates. The latter brought tears to my eyes. It was as if the super mega hug came from above and loved us all as His children. Much more healing work to do. Will continue to pray for these dear ones that they may grow in Christ, not just experience the supernatural of being slain or crying, but they may grow and become disciples of Christ.

Where the sun rises

Come to think of it, my blog theme matches the name of the show I just watched! The name of the show is "Where the sun rises", directed by Grace Phan.
Maybe this is prophetic word for me to go to East Timor? :)

Check this show out: http://www.luxlucis.sg/

Anyway I was very blessed by the show, it is one of the most thought provoking and heart stirring shows I've ever watched. Do catch it if you have time. It will only be showing in Cathay Picture house for this saturday and sunday at 1pm and 5pm. Its a documentary movie featuring the history of East Timor and the experiences of President Gusmao. And also what lies ahead for East Timor? After its independence, the director/& Gusmao tell viewers that it is forgiveness and reconciliation whereby the country and its people can move forward.

One of the most poignant moments of the show was when President Gusmao showed us his office building. I think my house looks nicer than his office. ;) But I was deeply touched. Of a man who had been through so much for his country and people, and is not a president for the sake of power, fame or control. Oh, so unlike many of us...

I liked this part a lot. To talk about forgiveness towards someone who has killed your family. Hmm...let me see, who have I not forgiven right now, and why?

“Forgiveness, to me, means peace of mind. If we can forgive, we liberate ourselves from all bad sentiments… of revenge… of self-flagellation. If we forgive, we stop a part of our life. We say no – now I am entering a new phase of my life. If not, I live everyday the sense that I am the worst victim in the world, and we are everyday trying to understand why… and we don’t live in peace. We are always trying to be selfish – “Me…me… why not him, or them?” When we don’t forgive, we don’t free ourself from thinking only on ourselves. Forgiveness is the way to live in peace. Peace not with other people but firstly, with him- or herself.”- Xanana Gusmao

-----

Ahh...to see a world larger than oneself, to see beyond the mundanity of daily life, to rise above the stresses of life. To see....there is more to life. We need to put on coloured glasses to see the world thru' different eyes. :)

Going to Balai again this sunday for a one day & night trip. Looking forward to it. At the same time, apprehensive, afraid of the stirring in the heart for the ple, and wondering when God will wipe away every tear in their eye. Wondering why life doesn't seem so fair for them. And what use is my little drop of kindness there?

And then....I see it in a larger picture....and recognize once again.
Its meaningless to do it alone, and it only makes sense to do it with Jesus, that He is the one who brings light and real healing to the soul.

A day for myself :)

This week was quite a difficult week, and felt discouraged and rather tired. It was esp bad after I received the email ad blast from the organization I wanted to work with. The position was still open! Can't help but have this sour taste in me and it feels all dark and gloomy on the inside.

In spite of the dark nights of sadness and despair, I felt the loving soft whisper of the Father to calm my soul. And I am very thankful for that. :)

This song especially, lasted me and gave me strength as I was listening to Galvin's album.

SONG OF JOB
by Sebastian Ku

When clouds of darkness
Overwhelms my soul
When the strength of my heart
Fades away
When my friends have left me
All hope seem far away
When the words of comfort
Refuse to stay

There’s a song in the night
There’s a light in the dark
There’s a gentle voice that soothes my heart

For I know that my Redeemer lives
And His love for me will never end
My heart, my flesh may fade away
Yet with my eyes I’ll see my God

In the quiet corner
In the still of night
Your tender presence
Lifts me high
My sweet Companion
My Strength and Guide
My soul’s deep Anchor
In You I abide

You’re the song in the night
You’re the light in the dark
You’re the gentle voice that soothes my heart

For I know that my Redeemer lives
And His love for me will never end
My heart, my flesh may fade away
Yet with my eyes I’ll see my God

I live my life to give You praise
Everyday, every breath, every beat of my heart
This life is captured by Your grace
To worship who You are
Who You are

Whoever that is reading. I wonder if you are in clouds of darkness and you feel like no one understands. Jesus does.

I'm extremely thankful for today's rest at home. Managed to get a good sleep, read a few chapters of a book and prepare bible study. :)

A kingdom of love

It is a pleasant beautiful Monday morning! But as usual, don't feel that I have slept enough over the weekend. Bio-clock has been waking me up faithfully after 6 hours of sleep. Which makes me wonder how much sleep a person needs to sustain oneself.

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend. Cell came to my house for bbq on saturday nite. It has been some time since I hosted ple at my house, and it was kind of heart warming seeing familiar faces popping up at my house. Kind of like juxtaposing familiarity with familiarity. Some of them brought their friends too. I am starting to understand and learn about relationship building and loving others, afterall, our lives are intertwined with others, and connecting with others is what makes us human. =)

I've been reading Brian McLaren's book on "The secret message of Jesus". He talks abt bringing God's kingdom into the places we live, and much more stuff, but a lot of it takes time to digest as he comes from a quite different kind of view. But anyway I think it relates v much to the way we interact with people as well. Loving them and living like Jesus, bringing the Kingdom way of doing things into our lives.

Yesterday I went for ktv with my china trippers. ;) It was a good relaxing time singing and eating. And I miss china. I didnt share much but some of the things we did that I've been sharing with Singaporeans, who kind of cringe at the idea:
- We didn't bathe for 6 days
- The toilets didn't have flushes but consisted of two planks or a hole. Sometimes we went to the bushes.

Haha. And those two pts above are enough to scare singaporeans away, and they look at you like you have suffered! Those experiences are ofcos not exactly comfortable, but contrary to what ple think, i don't think we have sacrificed much. Its just another way of living. We are at a new place with a culture different from us. Trust me, the toilet didn't stink cos they had some hay below to neutralise the smell. The one I went to 4 years back at a rural school toilet was worse, smelt like nitrogen flowing into yr nose. ;) C shared a good pt, she said to the jews be like the jews, to the greeks like the greeks.

I've been bz bz bz like a bee. What's new! But praying for more grace this week. Other then work (multiple list of foreign tasks filling up an A4 page), I've to also come up with publicity for the comm service proj. Also relationships! Some frens who r going thru tough times, hope to call them up and talk. So yup, full time christian everywhere we go.

A touch of heaven

Whoa one week passed by in a while, and I haven't been blogging here! I think I am having a writers' block. ;) Nothing much to update except I managed to have dinner for 4 days in a row at home! And then I finished reading A sense of God and a feeling of heaven by Robert Kee- A singaporean who founded Operation Hope Foundation. There are nuggets of truth inside which I really appreciated. Like these:

"Friends have to have a bond that is based on an exclusive common interest in which the more uncommon the interest, the greater the bond that binds them... What kind of 'secret' can be so strong that it binds Christians together? For me, the secret I found is the belief that we should love our neighbours as ourselves. It is obedience to the second greatest commandment given by Jesus. It is a call to love the poor."

"Spiritual experiences of joy, peace and feeling the presence of God were never felt despite weak attempts at meditation and waking up in the middle of the night to pray kneeling beside my bed until pain from my knees terminate that feeble attempt after a few minutes...after years of searching, in a dilapidated attap house on stilts in Cambodia, I experienced the presence of God."

"Over the years, I see that our lives have changed little. We were still engrossed with our health, family, career or businesses. The mothers continue to fuss over children, complaining about their children who have grown to become rebellious teenagers. The food was good, the fellowship warm, but deep inside, the still small voice asked: Is this it? Is this all there is to following Christ?"

A touch of heaven. How He lives amongst the poor, and we see God in those places.

I realise that the fear of suffering may not be as great as the fear of aloneness. Of being in a place where you can't find a kindred spirit to share your soul with. How shall the heart survive? Maybe with touches of heaven. ;)

Spoke to my boss during the week, and we decided to go on a local community service proj instead. So this year, we will be cleaning one room flats. ;) I think it is good exposure, to see the hidden parts of Singapore and redeem the forgotten.

Finally, a moment of quietness

I haven't been sharing that much about the things that have been happening, I guess it is because I have been quite busy, and other then that, maybe I don't really know how to express how I feel. Just letting those emotions settle down a bit.

Thank you my dear blog readers for sharing in my journey. heh. ;o

Yup, as most of you already know, I rejected a job offer which was everything that I wanted, a job to travel and interact with the poor, to teach kids in Singapore about poverty. It was from a humanitarian organization which I look up to and hope to learn from. I had spoken to my bosses and was all set to leave. (that is why I can be so explicit in this blog) Yet, my parents were so upset with me that dad wanted to chase me out of the house. It broke my heart since I love my parents and I want them to share this conviction, and to know God's heart as well. I don't want to stumble them when they are not ready for change. And yup, God's calling should bring peace, I wasn't at peace but very troubled. So I had to reject my dream job, and it was very tough, I feel very broken.

On and off, a question pops up in my mind, what if...I had...
And I know it gets me nowhere, I shouldn't even go by that route. Yup, I am wondering where next right now. Hoping to plan the next trip for my co. to cambodia with Operations Hope Foundation . Other then that I think instead of doing many activities, I should spend time being at rest with God, which I think is the whole purpose of this situation! :)

Today I sat into a course with the associates on hedge funds and the different strategies like arbitrage, long short, global macro etc etc. I've been thinking these days about how the Lord can use me, and what else I have that is different from others. I didn't understand a lot of what was taught, cos I don't think my strength is in finance, but yet He has brought me through uni majoring in finance. And blessed me with a good pay, with understanding bosses who believe in me and try to accomodate to my interests. So I am really praying and seeking how I can fulfill His calling where I am now, how I can contribute to the mkt place ministry. And how I can also share my experiences on those overseas trips with my colleagues. And yup, where I shd give my finances too.

Interestingly, Pastor David talked abt Daniel during service this week, how Daniel was forced to stay in the palace, yet he always remembered his calling. I am not so sure we are in the same situation, tho I do feel quite "forced" to be here. But I remember Joseph didn't have a nice ride either, and the Lord had to teach him lotsa things through the journey. I know my calling to the marginalized and broken hearted, confirmed through this series of events, and I pray that while I am here, I may serve His calling in whichever capacity He has placed me in. =)

And so the moods swing up and down again. Argghs. One moment full of hope & dreams & positivity, the other moment wondering when and where. And wishing and hoping. Perhaps. Ya. And even of someone to accompany me on this journey. But I know that the Lord is good. He really really is so good.

New things are happening at cell too. But its a bit tiring to travel to bukit timah every week now. I reached home at 1145pm yesterday by bus and I am so so so so tired! Really sleepy. Havent been sleeping that well these few days. And since I got back fr my trip, work has been bz. So not much time for a break. But this thur-sat is IDMC ! Looking forward to a time with God.

Everyone needs a friend to hold

This week was much more cheery than I thought it would be. =) Feel like I'm running on supernatural fuel from above. Colleagues gave me Corrinne May's Beautiful Seed CD to me for birthday, and listening to the album has been so therapeutic.

This song, On the Side of Me, esp spoke to me. This is especially dedicated to my dear and wonderful friends who were praying for me and stuck with me through my darkest valley. And most of all, dedicated to my dear Lord Jesus Christ who chose to love me in spite of my fears and inadequacies, and always believes in me. Thank You Lord for never giving up on me.

On the Side of Me” - Corrinne May

I’m not the easiest person to love
I’m often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I’m not too proud of some things
I’ve done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I’m not the easiest person to love
But you, you’ve opened your heart to show me what I’m worth

‘Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you…

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

Dying to that dream

Dying to that dream means that God will resurrect it again one day in His own timing. Gosh, this feels painful, almost like a breakup. I don't know what to do now after planning so long for this thing. Its like a little girl waiting for the doll to come, anticipating for a long long time, and she realises it is not coming in the meantime. And then daddy comes and picks her up and hugs her, and she learns that all along what she wanted was her daddy. In what forms will the doll come later?

Dear God, I surrender this dream to You. I know You have Your plans and purposes, in Your own timing You will resurrect this dream again. Grant me the peace that comes with this understanding. Grant me an inward change, to focus on being rather than doing. I pray I have not missed the ship that You have provided for me. For You see my heart, You alone know what is inside my heart, to please You only and to bring glory to You in all I do.

Thank you Lord, In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Loving restoration

Heh. Bday came and went, and felt esp loved this year with loads of smses and phonecalls. Thank you. :) I am blessed. Dinner with family was good, smiles across the table, and dad saving the sashimi for me. Unspoken words of love. Mum in good cheers chatting with me. As I also managed to show her the verses God had showed me.

Isaiah 49: 8-11 8 This is what the Lord says: "In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances, 9 to say to the captives, 'Come out,' and to those in darkness, 'Be free!' "They will feed beside the roads and find pasture on every barren hill. 10 They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water. 11 I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up.

They love me too much, and don't want me to suffer. As all parents love their children. And I am thankful. Glimpses of His loving grace. Esp as I saw mum preparing bible study for the whole morning. I know He will work in their hearts in His own way. Don't know when. Don't know how. But I know He is faithful and His timing is always right.

Dinner today with 2 other dear frens again to celebrate bday. heh. Received some nice gifts. Enjoyed sitting by the river at clark quay again. As I narrated some experiences on my trip, realised I haven't been sharing much yet! And these experiences are really faith builders. Hope definitely to have the opportunities again and again to visit developing ctries, to see the work of God in ple's hearts, and most of all in my own heart. Pray for oppty to share with my dear friends, hopefully to edify and to speak of God's love.

In the midst of uncertainty, this definitely feels like a new episode in my life. As I get in touched once again with lost friends, and the passion for youths is rekindled. My faith in God is strengthened. Thru the trip, I have received answers to questions I've been asking Him for a long time. And ya...it seems like healing has taken place. And yes...time to step up, to serve and share once again.

The song in my heart

One of the mornings, as I opened my eyes to a new day, I suddenly had the feeling that I was transported back to the days when I was only 18 years old in JC. In between 18-25, lots of events have happened. Some of the more significant ones in my spiritual walk, experiencing leadership, setbacks, relationship breakup. One on top of another, and so slowly without knowing, the passion & faith present in an 18 year old got neutralized. Yet this year, God has been so good to let me experience healing and assurance of His love. One event after another, through breakthrough weekend, and then the recent trip has been so good.

Making of a major decision for the past 3 weeks has taken quite a toll on me. Has been some time since I teared so much, the last I remember was breakup time. This time it has to do with relationships with parents versus my passion. And how dear they both are to me. Yet surrender & satisfaction, I believe these 2 words are what He is trying to teach me. Learning to surrender to God in the valley of indecision, surrender my parents, surrender my passion. The latter brought tears to my eyes, as Aunty M confirmed my calling for the marginalized, and I hear the still small voice of the Spirit, His callings and gifts are irrevokable. So yes, learning to stand up afresh, once again. And wow, meeting people nowadays is never the same. Seeing the potential in them, and being able to love with a satisfied heart. A heart that has been so satuarated by His love and neverending patience. And so comes the next word, satisfaction, learning to be satisfied in Him, in all that He has blessed me with. =)

Had a early bday dinner yesterday with some frens, and a fren played and dedicated a song to me! On seasons in life. Rather touched and happy. ;) Then there was a surprise cake fr HY, and we ate at the river next to the esplanade (wow), with the lovely breeze and the waves and the song in my heart. It dispelled all the fears and heartaches for the day.

Smses, calls from friends has been wonderful. Lunch with boss was a highlight. Talking to concerned boss who was on MC was another highlight. My heart warms with love. =)
Thank you Father, the chief satisfier and provider of all good things. Show me the way ahead.

Counseling Psychology Diploma Graduation

=) Graduated together with Galvin, who I think will post his photos too! Char (my lovely xiao mei) was there too. It has been such a fruitful growing time over the past one year. Giving thanks.Aspire to Inspire before we Expire!So touched by the sharing today of how the college was set up initially to heal broken hearted and meet needs of disadvantaged. It must have been tough. It started with a dream from crazy land. But look how it has progressed to a fine college. Not just providing education but also providing healing to its students. Thanks Fred Toke and team!

More photos here : http://loisloved.multiply.com/photos/album/5/Counseling_Psychology_Diploma_Graduation

Some selective photos from China trip:

http://loisloved.multiply.com/photos/album/4/The_mountains_of_China

From rags to riches

Good morning! Waking up to sunny O' Singapore was strange! Couldn't sleep anymore after 9am, so got out and made my milo! =) There was this strange sense of purposefulness that I woke up to. But I am also awfully tired! Not sure what to put down here yet about the trip.

Meanwhile I am 2 shades darker, and my face looks like it has patches of shades. And I highlighted my hair! Aww...such frivalous things...

I am glad to be back in Singapore physically. It has been a rough trip, but also a very good trip whereby I saw God's glory and faithfulness revealed amongst men and in nature. He also edified me to continue in ministry, to bring light to the darkness. I'm thankful.

Here are a few learning points I had:

1. Humbleness
It was a humbling experience staying in tents, a sister's house in the village, going to the bushes to do business

2. God's calling & serving
Had a better sense of what this was about. It was not spiritual people evangelising everyday. But ordinary people like you and me who decide to obey they Lord. Their daily work included lots of prayer and preparation, and sometimes when seemingly they are not "doing" anything, in the spiritual realm, the battle is fought.

3. Spiritual warfare is real
Sickness, disunity, conflict etc happened as the enemy attempted to discourage us.

4. Faith and trust in God
Everyday was like living in the miraculous

5. Pray unceasingly
The importance of prayer that moves mountains! Overcoming spiritual warfare and God's answering our prayers.

6. Sovereignity of God
He is in control of everything. How He initiates relationships with unreached people and miraculously brings them to the knowledge of Him

We are familiar with the story of Cinderella going from rags to riches. But who is familiar with the story of riches to rags? And rags may be more beautiful than riches. Because rags are not rags, and riches are not riches.

Question for myself:
Am I really able to forsake all, take up the cross and follow Christ? Wealth, status, prestige and comfort too?
I struggle, and am afraid to sing that I surrender all, and all it entails. But yet the richness of surrender, of the satisfaction He brings above all.

Blessed. :)

Leaving for China tmr, and with the major decision weighing on my heart, I was very blessed these few days to receive all the well wishes and prayers from people. "I want to pray for you!" "Can I pray for you?" =) Made me feel so loved and blessed.

I will be back on 17th Aug.

Oh, to see him smile

Dad was a serious tall guy. And I longed for his smile of approval.
He smiled when I got my PSLE results
when I got my O levels
when I got my A levels
when I got my University results.

Always wanted badly for his smile to say that I am his good daughter. Wishing and hoping that he will say it out. That he will put his arms around me and say well done gal.

Wished to sit down with him for a cuppa tea and share my day with him. Wished for him to see beyond my results. And if I failed, wished to know he still loves me.

Oh, to see his smile.

Went to church today to pray with the RAYS. Guess I couldn't help but break down in tears again, when I realise His overwhelming love. His perfect Fatherhood and healing places which were hurt. Telling me I mattered, it was okay to fail, and He loved me. Didn't have to try too hard to make Him smile at me, He already was. Didn't have to call Him to give me a hug, He always stood with his arms wide opened ready to embrace. And this embrace of love, that covered away all sin, all ugliness. An embrace that says, come as you are, I love you.

I wonder how I will do as a mother. I know it won't be any good, unless with His grace.

Oh, the mother's tears. Mum always smiled, always nodded in approval, arms I could run into. Though not always. Yet a mother's heart, that sheds tears for her children. That runs to protect when the child is hurt.

When I was younger, I played eagle and chicks and mother hen! The mother hen stood in front of the chicks to fend the eagle away. Though the eagle was big and mighty, mother always protected even to the point of death.

Who will win this battle? I hope my mum doesn't tear and dad will smile. :) And ya, He will make His gracious smile shine upon our family.

If this doesn't make sense to you. hahaaa....it will eventually.

In search for meaning: And can it be?

hi! I haven't been blogging much this week cos almost not sure what to blog about. =P I've been feeling more stressed up and restless at work lately, but thought I shouldn't keep whinning in this blog about these! The spiritual warfare is quite intensed as I prepare to go for trip, in terms of feelings of sadness and heaviness. Yet, amidst this, I also sense His sovereign hand covering me.

Received an interesting email today, and it taught me lessons on waiting and trusting. Anyhow it was very encouraging, and once again He knew I needed this reassuring pat on the back to know that He is walking with me. =) Yeah. Thank You...

Hmm. Been looking for a backpack, looking online and also shopping today! Haven't really found one yet, may borrow my fren's one instead. heh. Maybe I shd invest in one good one for future usage. Anticipating more and more travels overseas?

Thanking God for the nice bathroom, warm bed, big tv set, computer, fans...everything He has blessed our family with. :) And thinking of the 12 day trip, would have to stay in much more modest conditions. Honestly, who doesn't like to stay in big hotel suites with big fluffy pillows. I do! I hope to go to Europe again and roam the beautiful streets and look at architechture. Wanna sit at the cafe and drink hot chocolate. heh. ;) But I'm also looking forward to being in the nature, being close to the sky. And the most plus point is, seeing God touch lives.

What am I doing here? I will like to think that if I do make a change in career choice, who knows maybe soon? Maybe in the future? I am not escaping from one thing to another. I don't want it to be a push factor bcos I feel stressed out. I want it to be a pull factor towards His calling for me. For I know that there is still much to do in the company, many more souls to reach out to. Many hearts to touch. I feel inadequate to do much cos I enter the office in a state of weariness these days. I think the past few weeks have been filled with challenges at home & courses, hence I didn't really focus on my job. Now that things are more settled down, and work has broken into a routine once again...it uncovered something disatisfying on the inside that I've burried.

Ultimately to the poor, the good news of the gospel is the best news. That's what I say bcos I think food and clothing will not satisfy them completely. Just like food and clothing never satisfied us who are so well fed and well clothed. That spoken, we should provide these things for the poor and point them to the ultimate savior. Hmm..some questions that have been bothering me: Why do I see colleagues who count down to weekends, and shuffle their bodies into the office in the morning? I feel sad sometimes thinking of how pointless it can become. And yes...aren't we all in search for meaning? ;)

Updates..

Op was a success and dad can go home later today. :)
Thanks for yr prayers!

Remind me Jesus

Time seems to go on a standstill this morning. My dad's op should have completed by now. While I plough through the flood of emails that look like greek to me, and the unending deadlines, trying to motivate myself that these mattered. Remind me again, why am I here?

I'm scared, seeing my parents grow old, and seeing my life passing by. At the end of the day, holding on to His firm strong hand, and His gentle whisper that all is alright, He has got a hold on me.

I am whole

Its interesting this journey with God...Uphills and downhills. =)
It has been somewhat a struggle for some time feeling a sense of misfit with people, esp christians. Yet knowing that He wants me to be part of the fellowship of believers, hence pressing on even though sometimes I didn't feel like it.
But getting to know people on a deeper level, I've started to learn a thing or two. First and foremost I guess I look inward and realise my pridefulness. Other then that, seeing how He is moving in each one's life in His own divine way for we are all on different ends of the journey, whereby He meets us. And finally learning somethings from them.

I realise tat I've been blessed with a job that is not that bad because I can still go home at 7ish almost everyday and sometimes I leave at 6ish. There are only some seasons I go back at 8ish or 9ish. Whereas some of my friends have to work on weekends and till 11ish, even 4am on weekdays. :/ And I do find my pay & bonuses very decent, in fact quite good. I think He has blessed me and helped me at work, giving me the grace to serve Him.

Putting up a proposal for community service in the office! Hopefully God will give me wisdom to do the right thing.

These days I realise that I should not allow my 9-6 job to set limitations on what I want to do/like to do. I guess I am slowly finding my identity, who He has created me to be. Lord, I wanna be WHOLE! There is still much much to explore...

Like the 12 day trip coming up in Aug. :)

Respite...

Finally a time to sit down and be quiet by myself. Yeah a Friday night! :)

Dad is going for an op next week, so I've been worried. But so thankful that tonight my parents' church friends came to our house to sing, pray and have their cell group meeting here. In times like this, I am thankful for the church community that He has put us in. So thank you Lord for this reminder of community. It was nice listening to the chinese hymms in the living room.

Other then that I have been on course at suntec for the past 3 days learning about project management. Its somewhat a good respite. Heh. Which comes with a but...I got to catch up on some work next week. and prob tmr.

Met up with M tonight for our last nurturer's bible study. =) It has been 6 mths and today was the last lesson with her! Always don't feel v prepared meeting her, but thank God for the abundance of grace, and I have to release her to Him, to trust that He is the one who will continue to work within her life.

Eh...what else to blog about? Except I have been thinking again about social work. With the ending of the counseling dip, it makes me wonder again. A fren is rather depressive and suicidal these days, and I am worried about her as well. Thank you C for reminding me to come against the burden bearing spirit.

How God, where should I go from here?

Where the heart beats

A poignant night, my last lesson for the counseling psychology diploma. It has been one whole year of learning, growing, and I'm thankful that He has brought me so far. :)

One year ago I was contemplating a church switch, was feeling lost about which way to go, desperately looking for some meaning in life. And the happy big colourful banner of Counseling Psych diploma hung outside the Amoy Food Centre had a strange allure. There I lingered around for some weeks in apprehension, before I strided in and paid the deposit.

Whilst at the start wanting to just do a 2 month certificate course, I was enticed into signing up for the dip course. The cert was not enough...too short...and left me wanting to learn more.

So yah...went into it without much thought, was just feeling low at the point in time and badly in need of some meaning and inspiration. Aspire to Inspire before we Expire- goes the slogan. I was desperately in need for some inspiration.

So here goes...Thank You to LEE Community College and its team for this fantastic year of learning. Many times it was recharging, sitting into the lectures and learning counseling techniques, which strangely resounded deeply into the recesses of my own heart.

In the last class today, we were asked, so when are you going to start living for yourself? Many of us live to please others, to seek attention...to make ourselves belong in society. But you are not being fair to yourself! Which triggered a whole lot of reflection once again....and there the neurons go jumping about in my brains, and there the heart beats....knowing the reason it was created for.

I know what I should do to live for myself. And I can forsee it happening in the future. Holding on to this piece of dream/of hope/of passion. May it not just be my own dream, but the destiny which He had for me when He created me.

My quota of spoken words has hit its limit

TGIF! =)
I realise that I have a limited quota of words that I can speak each day.
I need to be by myself, sitting in front of my comp, or with a tea or book in hand somewhere.
I need some recharging!

Light that breaks thru the darkness...

Have been feeling rather bogged down these days by deadlines and endless demands. But was listening to my mp3 player, and this song lyrics describe very well what you and I have in Christ. Freedom. And Christ breaks the yoke of every bondage, and brings healing to every broken heart.

FREE
CITY HARVEST CHURCH Key: A
Praise



WHERE THERE IS NIGHT
THERE’LL BE A SHINING LIGHT
THROUGH THE DARKNESS
SO THE WORLD CAN SEE
WHERE THERE IS FAITH
HIS POWER WILL BE RELEASED
BELIEVE AND REACH
FOR THE THINGS UNSEEN

WHERE THERE IS PAIN
THERE’LL BE ETERNAL LOVE
BREAKS THE CAGES
SETS THE HEART TO FLIGHT
WHERE THERE IS HOPE
THERE’LL BE A DREAM FOR ALL
WHERE THERE IS JESUS
THERE IS LIBERTY

AND I’M FREE
YOU’VE PAID THE PRICE
FOR ON THE CROSS
MY SINS ARE WASHED
I’M FREE
TO SING YOUR LOVE
AND DANCE WITH JOY
YOUR TRUTH HAS SET ME FREE

FREE --- YOUR TRUE LOVE HAS SET ME FREE
FREE --- IN YOU I’VE FOUND MY LIBERTY

My calling

It has been another challenging busy week of late nights and somewhat sleepless nights as my brain keeps churning. Yet God has been good to me, continuing to show me things after the church retreat last weekend. :) Thank You.

I feel tired, but I don't feel unhappy. In fact I can now analyse things from a clearer perspective.

I begin to realise what He has called me in the past was not to be a leader per se, but rather it was His promise that He could use me in spite of my inadequacy and lack of eloquence. It was this promise that I needed to get back to.

So as I seek Him to find out my calling, He is showing me that this calling is not whether I am suitable to be a cgl or not. But this calling of being His child, His disciple and His chosen one, anointed & empowered to preach His word, to be a light to the Gentiles, which is His calling for every single christian.

I used to write many letters to people, this was because I couldn't convey to them verbally what I felt deeply in my heart.

Ha...one big round and reminder all over again of His dear love for me. :)

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Had a packed day today, went to company for a course, then gave bible study, then went to dept bbq, and then at night wedding dinner. :) Feel at rest now, tho was v stressed yest night that I didn't sleep well. Have course and work for 2.5 weeks, which is v siong. Is this what life is about? I refuse to be sucked into the mundanity of work life.
Anyhow, today met up with some dear VCF frens as it was B and G's wedding. So happy for B. =) God has brought him a long way in this journey. Anyway....my table was all married couples, and C even brought her baby girl!
So all that thinking again about how I shd go on living the rest of 3/4 of my life. This time though, with no judgmentalism about how others led their lives, rather, asking the Lord abt my own life. Whether it is getting married, working in corp world and have kids. How much time will I have after kids and working? Hmm....how shd I balance my time? How does He most of all, want me to live my life?
And ofcos this envious feelings towards those on the table, having someone besides you to share food with, and to take food for. :P And yar...Just surrendering these thoughts to the Lord, may He sanctify it and guide me for the years ahead.

It has been interesting week, meeting some socially conscious ple as well. New linkups. New things ahead. And a deep assurance in my heart of His everlasting love for me.

Breakthrough weekend

Breakthrough weekend has been simply amazing. =)

I've published the blog entry here:

http://journey-in-christ.blogspot.com/2007/06/breakthrough-weekend.html

Chiefly a christian entry if u are interested. =)

I find that my positivity as a 18 year old has come back after the spiritual bath over the weekend.

19 year old...

Hmm, this period is really bad for me, filled with deadlines and things to do. My plate is overflowing!

Been feeling down and tired. Yest, I was saving my counseling proj file, and stumbled upon an old diskette. No one uses diskettes these days, but no thumb drive with me yest.

Wah, and I saw a couple of files in the disk that I totally chucked to the back of my mind. I wrote some devotions to my classmates in JC back in 2001. Some of them were rather inspiring. =) The words of a 19 year old me. I shall copy and paste some of them when I get home- hopefully my internet will be up by then! 19 year old me was so full of hope, zest, positivity.

25 year old me....is more mature & contemplative & less judgmental and I like myself for that. But 25 year old me is more jaded & disillusioned in the face of demands fr the whole world, to stand up once again from failures & defeats. Somehow I miss the certainty & positivity in my 19 year old world.

Still in office doing up reports! This month is horrible for me. I hope that I can pass through this with the grace and strength of God.

OOhhh well...trade off for the 3 day break at Batam starting from tmr. =) Heh. Happy.

The process of waiting...

Just back from the pre- women's breakthrough weekend meeting. Next weekend I will be at Batam with 205 ladies from church. I'm looking forward to the solitude time with God, a good long 3 days set aside to seek Him, to align my direction with His plans again. =)

I wonder if it is going to continue to be a trend, around 2 weeks of exhilarating joy and thanksgiving, followed by 2 weeks of unrestedness and lostness. This seems to be the pattern that recurrs. Haha. :/ How? I'm thankful that God is still faithful and gracious towards me even though at times I can become so unthankful. So I shall count my blessings here. ;)

It has been a busy weekend, yesterday Mee, the other gal I'm nurturing at church came over to my house for bible study. =) Definitely one of the thanksgiving item for this whole nurturing relationship that started since Jan. Preparing the bible study this week on Church was also a time whereby God spoke to me through Romans, about humility, everyone in church having their own roles, being sober about oneself and not lofty, not thinking of one self as better.

After that went to meet my counseling proj group to discuss the proj. After that went to BluJaz Cafe for Chon Wee & Joy's wedding dinner.

Monday, I received a fat bonus letter haha. It made me a bit stunned, but the words were encouraging from my boss once again. Which ended off with, its gonna be a bz year...this is to encourage you to work harder. So this comment created some tension within me...some sort of pressure...

I'm not sure if money means a lot to me. haha. ;) I'm wondering what to do with this money...maybe I shd use it to start an orphanage..i wonder how much that costs in a developing country? ;) Maybe its not enough to start one la...but imagine how nice it will be to see yr money go to some substantial building, or a well, a school or something. But then again, shd I save up in case I really change jobs down the road? How?

Oopsss....a thanksgiving blog twisted to the other direction of lostness again.

When will this quarter life crisis end?

Maybe it is not the final point that God wants to show me, but this whole process of thinking through and waiting on Him. :) It is learning to fix our eyes on Him and knowing that He is faithful.

Tracing back the roots

I think it started in pri school, when we had this helping yr junior kind of program whereby I gave tuition to this pri 3 gal while I was in pri 6. I enjoyed the experience guiding her along in her maths. =)

I joined interact club whilst I was in sec 2. It was not just a second fiddle option after I failed to get into the netball school team (sulk) and was relegated to the netball club. Ha...but I enjoyed interact club, going to the Singapore Children's Society weekly in sec 2, and going to Jervois Special School weely in sec 3-4.

At JC, I didn't do much interact club activities, but nevertheless, I told the whole world I was going to study psychology at UK. During that time, there was a speaker at church who talked about impacting the business world, and that fascinated me, with ideas of talking to men in suits and business jackets. And I knew I wanted to do something vaguely related to psych and business.

Took a turn and studied business instead of psych. And whoa, coming to know "social entrepreneurship" in my year 2 internship at MCYS blew my mind away. Finally something that linked up business to social stuffs, a vague link and notion that was always there in my mind.

So it was social enterprise...I wanna be a social entrepreneur kinda thing. Or maybe corporate social responsibility...this aspect also showed me the possibility of combining business & social aims. And then gotto know Banyan Tree & Claire Chiang. Started wanting to do a business like hers, where I get to go to villagers and empower the people there to do crafts etc, to be self sustainable.

After I met J, this notion of social enterprise got steered to another aspect. His passion for the poor convicted me to look further into scripture and books to find out God's heart for the poor. After 1 year of searching, I can finally say that this conviction of God's heartbeat for community living, sharing and stewardship of money, is a conviction of my own, and not of J's.

Physical needs aside, this heart for meeting emotional needs remained. I feel for the marginalised, the sad and rejected.

A friend broke up with her bf recently, and as her tears fell on my shoulders, my heart almost broke with hers. On the same day, a colleague said he felt life was meaningless. Emotional needs.

Physical needs & emotional needs. So many empty hearts, so many hungry stomachs. For some time, I feel so overwhelmed. Can man live without God?

Studying the part time counseling psych dip has been good.

So here I am, in the financial sector & studying psychology. Maybe this was what the vision was about? Maybe I had to go through this journey to appreciate what SOCIAL entrepreneurship is about. Still have many more years ahead to go.

Stillness

I had a long long weekend starting from Thursday! =) Realise that the workholic nature still pops up somewhere, and I feel weird really doing nothing. Its weird to be still, weirder to be shopping leisurely, weirdest to be hanging out with friends without having to rush off to somewhere else after that. Haha. I guess I kinda enjoy the rushing about, almost like an adrenaline rush. But the weird thing is that I still feel kinda tired and sleepy..and almost like I don't really wanna move anywhere, just wanna be at home, with my book/guitar/ice cream in hand and snuggle up somewhere to not think of anything.

The concern about what to do in the future has been surfacing up for the whole week, and I don't like to be in this valley of indecision. Maybe its because all other surface problems have dispersed like mum is walking now, though with a slight limp. Sigh. Really dislike it. Maybe it is because I have difficulty taking responsibility for my decisions. What should I do now? Dear God....pls lead me in a clear manner...pls pls pls lead me....

Oh anyway on a happier note! I've managed to meet up with my sec sch frens again after such a long time. And we went for KTV, singing our teenage era songs like Tracy Su, Xiao Hu Dui, Andy Lau, Eric Moo (whom I "idolised" for a few years) etc. Heh. The flood gates come opening.....our blue pinafores and short boyish hairs. ;P

Would u promise to be there forever?

My family had dinner together today...it was the first time in 3 mths that we had dinner outside together cos of my mum's ankle. I am so thankful that she can walk now, though with a slight limp. Nevertheless very thankful that the dear Lord has brought our family thru this challenging period. =)

Dad frying omlette, warming my food for me, waiting on mummy as she went to the toilet....stuffs I would never have seen if mum hadn't injured her ankle. Perhaps I assumed that dad didn't care, but he sure did.

Was watching the 9pm drama serial today on marriage & couples, basically how marriage is tested after some years, with children, and life gets mundane and communication breaks down. I like the theme song...which goes something like "Would you be there to love to be with me...Would you swear that your love is always true...Would you say you willl always be one ...." blah blah...basically a romantic song asking if the other would be there through thick and thin. And really love is like that. Not just a few romantic moments of I love yous. But a cherishing of the other...to promise to hold the other thru death & sickness. A promise to accept the other even if one discovered something unpleasant abt the other.

So I told my fren that boyfriends will go away, but mothers and fathers will love u forever. And it sounds a bit weird and cynical. ;P Actually perhaps what I meant was the incomparable love that parents gave to their children, though sometimes it seems more mundane through the daily acts of service like housework or cooking or asking whether u have eaten yr food, or warming yr food for u....yet parents love their children the most. So we don't really need so many proclaimations of being there for someone forever.... maybe something simple that goes deep will do.

Aww...anyway maybe now I finally have a comprehension of Papa's love for me...which is unconditional....and wants the best for me. How He wants to bring light into the whole universe, how His love is so deep....and how the best I can do is to spread this love to those who desperately need it. In light of that, dear Lord, how shd I respond? Cos I only have one life.
If u have not seen the light, how shall I tell u how deeply He loves u?

Outta my comfort zone...except with the presence of Jesus

heh..don't really know what to put as the title...actually am feeling rather sleepy & tired, but maybe just to clear some stuffs from my system here before I go sleep...

Work has been so busy! And everyday it is a mad rush to meet someone or go for classes. =P But I guess I have sort of a breakthru in the sense that instead of letting work drag me along, I kinda now have this boundary kinda thing with my work and I insist that it shall not get into my personal time! And every sec of my work I wanna work my best for the Lord.

Some new open doors! As I pray and deliberate about it I really am clueless! Its more like a 50-50 kinda thing. I guess if there were not so many practicalities and restrictions I might go for option 2!!!!!!! Haa....I can forsee myself being HAPPPPYY. But is this where God wants me to do? Sigh I dunno leh. :/ How.

Anyway this Sunday (27th May) is the GLOBAL DAY OF PRAYER at the National Stadium. Last gathering before it gets torned down. Wah, one year has past...last year I went alone and was all sad and lonely...but managed to tag along with my snr from VCF. This year I am going with my cell group (yay!), and am lookg forward to pray with my fellow christian brothers and sisters. =P Last sunday's RAYs prayer was simply fantastic. The Holy Spirit just came and couldn't help but weep and rest in His dear presence...which I miss so very much.

Am going for another mission trip in Aug. Location is confidential! :P But Ya, it sounds quite challenging...and I feel that it will be smthing that challenges my comfort zone....how how how.... Feeling so apprehensive yet quite excited. =P

Okay I am going to sleep. =)

Reminiscence

Just came back from a nice dinner with Qifen and her bf Tony! =) Had stingray, kang kong, satay etc at the makansutra food place.

Walking ard at esplanade brought back many lovely past memories. Memories of first love. Walking down the river & holding a warm, firm hand. A lovely smile of approval, and broad shoulders to lie on.

Hmm...Makansutra place also reminded me of my good fren A, we had dinner there some time back, but hardly keep in touch nowadays. Does busyness of work really break friendship?

These days memories that I have pushed back to the back of my head pop up vividly. But I can smile at them. :) Maybe it is a sign of healing.

I'm sad they may never come back again. Yet I also smile at those memories, because they were real, and I treasure those moments.

Thank You Jesus for this past one year of breaking. It has been tough, but Yr dear love has sustained me, and protected me from falling away from You.

Had a bz but fruitful day today! Went to meet up with some of my cg mates to discuss abt cg matters. Gonna step up to take up some responsibilities. A sense of deja vu, really....
Had bible study with my 2 girls again. And again a very encouraging time...the 'mother' in me never fails to pop up! Something in my heart stirs for these 2 young girls. Reminds me a bit of V and R back in N272, heh...but a bit different. They are different...and this time the one giving bible study has also changed. Maybe a bit more broken...maybe a bit less judgemental and a bit less sure of myself....but maybe starting to understand more and more of God's grace. =)

Ha...my heart is just full of gratefulness to the Lord. Thank You God....may u continue to sustain me and show me the path ahead.