It's good to be loved!

Dun really know how to begin this post! I know there are things that are bugging me, but then again I know in my life there are always things that are bugging me. If u have my other blog addy, do visit it to see the post on suffering- by Tom Smail. I think its a masterpiece!

Anyway, I went to Covenant CG yesterday! I was expecting praise and worship and word and ministry..but when I went there we had games, lots of laughter and conversation, and then we broke up into grps to share and pray. The sharing and prayer was so long that we ended up not watching the video on how the bible is true. So it got me thinking about what a cell group is meant to be. A cell group- isn't just meant to be equated to a structured meeting of praise and worship and word etc. But rather, the aim of a cell group is to minister to the needs of the ple! And that can be acheived in various ways. Ple must feel a sense of belonging & love in the cell group. It was a bit strange for me, there were ple who kept laughing and chatting and bickering. I dun remember my cell group being so noisy and fun. ;p The demographics of the grp is also different, a lot from rafflesian family, NUS, NTU, overseas uni etc. Tho I'm not sure if this is the case only for this cg, but as an aside, I think that CHC has done a great job actually in reaching out to the chinese speaking and the masses in general...ple who might never have come to church cos smtimes church can be such an english elitist thing..being brought up from english speaking families and growing up in church.

Well..anyway I wanted to say, it was nice sharing with the small grp my problems. And Jen was saying that she was going thru transition as well! And she said that when she prayed, God asked her to give of herself and lay herself on the altar...and even if it means being single all her life. I was like ya ya ya...I have the same feeling too. This is really tearing me apart...but I believe God is working deeply within my soul and its so hard to surrender to Him everything. It feels like my heart's about to break smtimes..and its just so terrible. Or smtimes I feel nothing. Smtimes I feel angry, God- why do u have to take away something so precious from me. And then I know that...all these things are coming out..and revealing to me..wats really inside my heart. Its so unclean! And I pray that His grace may be sufficient for me to bring me thru.

Yar...and then when we went back, sharon drove me to toa payoh..she wanted to. But my contacts got displaced and then she stopped the car and everyone was so concerned about my eyes. I was so super touched...and they all drove me to my house..even tho they all stayed in the north. And then asked me to sms them when I got home. And then at night willie smsed me to have a good rest..and then the next morning, gab asked me if my eye was ok, and melody smsed me to say she was glad to see me yest. This truly feels like a family. :)

Was chatting with A today! And this was wat he said. I think it was quite sweet and I was quite touched. Really my bro knows me so well.
A: i told sinee
A: that she must convince XJ
A: to be true to herself
A: and find a job suitable to her calling

My life is truly in a mess right now. I've never felt more out of control. Then again, this is only a "feeling". Cos I know that it is very much in control...In the arms of my loving Father.

Everything has an ending and a beginning

Today was my youth cg's last cg meeting together, after that we will all be separated into different cgs. It was a mixture of feelings. Love everyone in the grp a lot, everyone so special to me. And in one way or another, God put our lives together for this season. But all things have its seasons, and tian xia wu bu shan zhi yan xi. One day we will all part. I had a word today during cg, and I felt that God wanted to encourage the mbrs to have Faith in Him, and we only require the faith of a mustard seed, to trust Him that from here, we are all going to different places. But to have faith that He is going to bring us to a new place. Tho we do not know wats ahead of us, we have faith in Him, and trust that He will guide us.
So it was a word in season for me as well.
I'm such an emotional person, as u probably can tell, I wrote my previous post while I wasn't very happy. But tonight I am quite happy. :) Ha...cos my cg gave me a cushion and a card as farewell. Yups..these things matter to me! I like being appreciated & loved! *hint*hint*

Yups..so this officially ends one of the seasons of my life. But truly, a season that has taught me much, and bore the fruit of patience and love. So wats ahead? I really don't know. I hate to walk this journey alone, it can be really painful. I know the pain when it hits me in the middle of the night, when I am all alone sitting at my desk. But I know He is with me. Always with me. I pray I may be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, but He may fill me & reign in my life.

Walking with a limp

Was reading a fren's blog this morning, and my heart went out to her. Cos I fully understood the struggles she faced. She mentioned that she struggled with depression, and prob no one knows. Actually, I am often depressed too, tho I am not sure if it is clinical. That's why I can often "counsel" ple who are depressed, and I smtimes think that I shd become a counselor! Going thru depression is never easy ofcos, and on the exterior, ple think that u are happy, joyful etc. My colleagues say that I am always smiling, pleasant. My boss says that I am jovial. So am I really happy?
These few weeks/months I've not been happy to be honest, and on some days I even feel like I'm in the abyss of darkness, and I wish I could be with Christ now...And then I won't have so many questions anymore. And I can just come face to face with God and talk to Him. And everyday I carry a burden of some sort. I pray to God that He will take away this "thorn in the flesh", but like His answer to Paul- My grace is sufficient for you, and my stength is made perfect in weakness. The theology of weakness- very well expounded by Marva Dawn.
I quote:
"Even as Christ accomplished atonement for us by suffering and death, so the Lord accomplishes witness to the world through our weakness. In fact, God has more need of our weakness than of our strength. Just as powers overstep their bounds and become gods, so our power becomes a rival to God. As the Psalms and Isaiah teach us, God's way is not to take us out of tribulations, but to comfort us in the midst of them and to "exchange" our stength in the face of them. By our union with Christ in the power of the Spirit in our weaknesses, we display God's glory."

Ofcos, the devil always wants us to feel weak and defeated, then we can never do anything for Christ. So there is a balance. Not that we dwell on our weaknesses and live defeated lives. Rather, we recognize that we are weak, and we can do NOTHING for Christ. It was never about us. But it is God's power in us. And then we are strong.

U know..going thru this period of chastening is not easy. But I truly understand and learn to rely on Christ. And finally, with the comfort that He comforts us with, we are able to comfort others.

All my joy

I like this song a lot. Recently, I am much more appreciative of older songs/hymms, cos I think many of their lyrics are very meaningful. And sometimes their tunes are so plain that we are not distracted by the music and can truly reflect on the lyrics. Worship..is coming close to God and experiencing His touch, but not just seeking the "emotional" high, I think it is worshipping Him in spirit and in truth. And truly our minds are also engaged in humbling of ourselves before God. When we say all our joy is found in Him, what does this mean? ;)
I love the word of God- there is so much more to Him I need to know.


All My Joy -Sovereign Grace Ministries

Verse One
Your glory is what I am longing for
Your splendor is filling my gaze
Your love so great
Is what I am thirsting for
I live for the sight
Of Your beautiful face

Chorus
All my joy is found in You
And how my joy abounds in You
And all my hope it rests on You
To live is Christ
To die is gain
And in the end
Only one thing remains
All my joy is found in You

Verse Two
Your beauty is drawing my heart to You
Your Spirit is teaching me truth
Your word so sweet
Is more that a feast O Lord
I live to bring pleasure
And honor to You

Prayer Meeting

I was supposed to go for Covenant service today but due to certain circumstances, I ended up going with my friend to their prayer meeting for young adults! I really enjoyed myself praying with them. There were about 20-30 young adults there, and we had worship and broke up into 2-3s to pray, and then sharing, and also the leader shared his vision for the group. They just had the camp last week so many were sharing how touched they were thru the camp, and how God spoke to them. And the leader shared how he can see a change in the ple's lives, even in the way they worship and the fervancy in which they prayed. And yups, I sensed something different in the place too. I was amazed how God moves in different churches! And indeed in the latter days, He shall pour His spirit upon ALL flesh, and men and women shall prophesy and see dreams!

Went to Orchard after that to find a Fathers' Day present but couldn't find any suitable! Cos my dad is a practical man....decided to give him cash instead and got a cake for the family to eat! While walking down Wisma/Taka, it brought back lots of lovely memories-Kino and Coffee Club. How can I forget? Anyway, yups...I saw lotsa ple shopping during the sales. But I din shop much..cos these days I think these things don't really satisfy me. Yay...so holy, no more worldly goods. :> Ya right...no lar..but recently am much more convicted to spend my money wisely on essentials. :)

I love God....I think He is gracious..in spite of our failures. And one day, I shall have the faith enuff indeed...to truly lay down all my life for Him. Meanwhile... making do with small sacrifices here and there. And...its really a lonely journey finding Him, finding truth, and being more like Him. But there is a bit of excitement within me..that He will guide me.

Da Chang Jing

I watched Da Chang Jing today and was moved to tears by one of the episodes. Yes!! I'm also into Korean drama! I try to catch that show on TV sometimes at night.. The episode I watched today spoke a lot to me. In the scene, ChangJing (a medical lady) was taking care of the beggars' children who were down with small pox. She wasn't afraid of contracting the disease, but hugged the crying children who were dirty and grubby looking. While the ple in the palace shunned the beggars, she cared for them and suffered with them. In spite of how ple misunderstood her intentions, spoke badly of her, interpreted her wrongly, she hung on to her principles. The emperor wanted to make her the chief medical doctor, but the other officials vehemently rejected the idea of her becoming the chief medical doctor.
This other general Min, also inspired me. He spoke up for Chang Jing and stood up for the truth. He came to have disagreements with his superior. And this superior was someone whom he had fought together and strategised together with, to eliminate the crooks in the palace. And now this superior was reprimanding him, telling him that women shd never have any ranks in the palace..it was unheard of, and shdn't be done in that manner. General Min said that it was abt HR, that suitable women shd be promoted if they were suitable for the position. And that wasn't his superior attitude towards women similar to the way ple undermined others from lower castes? Why the double standards? Superior said...that was the way historically it has been.
So much of wat has been..wat everybody thinks is the right way to go. But sometimes we have to stand up for the TRUTH and be willing to face conflicts. Conflicts are essential. U noe...on the table was General Min and about 5 other officers who opposed his view. How horrible can it feel to have the whole world think that u are wrong? But r u convicted enuff by the truth to know that u have to stand up for it?
I'm sure General Min felt a lot for his superior. A man whom he respected and submitted to. How shd he respond in the light of the truth vs respect, being comfortable vs the deep sense of injustice on the inside?
I must be a person who fears God more than men! I must not be afraid of conflict! Come on, be brave! I must and will go through this time of fiery trial.

The difference in living standards between the palace and the village was stark. Two kids are down with small pox. The empress's son and a beggar's son. Empress's son has 1 medical doctor and 4 medical ladies tending to him. Beggar's son only has Chang Jing hugging him to sleep, and sharing Chang Jing with many other patients. Empress's son sleeps on silk bed sheets, beggar's son is in a shabby old hut with about 6 other children down with small pox.

In the same way our society today. I see in my company hundreds of pieces of paper/paper cups being wasted everyday. We have resources and finances. We have our big bonuses. But the VWOs are struggling to make their ends meet. And I must be hypocritical to say that...cos I am...one of those who received the bonuses? But money must be channeled. The rich must not just hoard the money, they must channel it to the poor. Then there would be balance and equality. Its impt that the private sector and the social sector MUST meet.
Everyday I pray that I may use my money wisely, on things that I need. I must live a lifestyle that proclaims Christ's love.

I pray that I may have the courage to stand up for truth, tho its gonna be a lonely road ahead.

----

Went to KTV with some colleagues yesterday. Yah yah, after all the talk on using money wisely, I go for KTV! :S ha...but I sourced for the cheapest one available...and so it was not so bad. And really enjoyed ourselves in that span of 3 hrs. Realise that we can really connect well, and we have similar tastes in songs. :> The HR policy must be really good...to fit us together in this place. heh. Well..it was fun...and we yelled through some of the songs, and waved our hands in the air. I love my colleagues..they are like family to me. My dearest sisters. I pray that one day they may come to know Christ too.

---
Met P during lunch time on thursday. P is someone I really respect...as I've said before I think. He was the chair in VCF back then. Anyway I feel that P is someone who has a r/s with God..a very personal, individual one...He tells me that if we are really hungry, no matter how bad the sermon is, one small little truth can feed him. (hope I haven't misquoted him). Same as me, he is going thru a lot of thinking abt wat it really means to be a christian in the mkt place. Mkt place needs- ple are insecure, always feel they don't have enough money, need to work extremely hard. Which I agree. And to add on to that, ple in the mkt place...are sometimes lonely, lost and smtimes directionless. All of us are like kids stuck inside an adult body. Tho we try to hide those really well. Anyway, his boss said that he wanted to make him fast track in his law firm, but he gotto be more driven (definition= staying back later in the office). But P, tries to leave office at 6ish, 7 everyday and be efficient with his work. And he says that he will live out a different set of values from the world. Cos being "driven" by success and money...is not him.

I guess we will never figure out everything right. But we must...at different points in our lives, choose what is right and true...and God will direct us, every step. That requires a lot of faith and trust in Him. :>

The cat

I saw a cat just now at the overhead bridge, while waiting for my parents car to pick me up for dinner. It was a grey, slightly rounded cat with beautiful green eyes. The moment I came down from the overhead bridge, it started to purr at me. It was so cute. When I reached the bottom, it curled itself into a ball, and then laid itself flat on the floor, stomach up, and paws facing upwards. It stayed in that position for a few seconds, and then it went back to its feet again, walked a few rounds and again stretched itself up on the floor.
I bent down to touch it, but the moment I did that, my action probably came too fast and it lept back onto its feet and moved slightly backwards, but its eyes staring at me. I stood up straight again, and again, it went back into its position with its stomach up. I wanted so much to tickle its fat furry white stomach but it went on its standing position again in a few seconds. But make no mistake from the look in its eyes, it wanted to be loved and patted. Yet, it was a timid little cat.
We stood there and stared at each other for some time, and I meowed at it. It meowed back. And slowly I bent my knees and stooped next to it for a while. Before long, it came around my feet and started stroking its body on my knees and legs and went round and round, its cute little head poking at my leg first and then again and again. As I reached out my hand to touch its stomach, it shrinked back again.
What a cute little cat. But I know in a while's time, my parents car would come, and I couldn't stay long there. It was, afterall, a short moment with my new little friend, and I couldn't let it get so attached to me. It will be sad...if it did. And I knew it. So I stepped away a bit and watched it walk abt and lie on its stomach again and again and looking at me with its big green eyes.
The car finally came, and as I walked towards the car, I took a look at it again, it was staring at me..as I got into the car, it continued to look at me.
Good bye dear cat. Though I only knew u for a few minutes, I enjoyed yr company. Cats, like humans, have emotional attachments. But life is like that, we all got to say our goodbyes some days. I hope the cat finds someone who will love it and cherish it. Cos its such a cute little cat. Timid. And probably hurt by other humans before..hence apprehensive. Wanting to be loved, yet it dare not fully love. Cos it had been hurt before.

Lets be practical!

Talking with L really hit me hard, the practicalities of the world. A fren told me straight in the face she thot I was naive. Am I? Maybe I am idealistic. But just now L shared with me the problems her VWO faced and I was hit with reality. The bills that could not be paid, and the huge amount of money they had to pay to rent the place! Charity is not all airy fairy, and just passion for the ministry. They need finances, and good management! But anyway I was so touched when L said she would forgo salary for a month to work there...How difficult is that! I mean..right...in the face of 2 choices, stability vs passion, which would u choose? She said some of the ple chose to stay behind cos there was more stability. I mean, its not as if that I would blame those ple for staying behind! U know what I mean? In the face of this kinda choice its really difficult to say that u will forgo salary to work in a new place..
Okie, bet u all dun understand wat I am blabbering abt. I just needed to let loose some of my thots. SIgh.
If only life were more simple. And helping ple could be helping ple. No need to have cash flow problems.

Amazing!

This morning my mum was studying the bible! Cos she's helping someone give bible studies to the newcomers in church. :) Heh. And I explained to her a little bit, the stuffs she didn't know and told her I had finished the bible 4 times! And she was like waah....heheh. Saw 2 pages of her bible study stuffs, not bad..talking abt Christ's resurrection.

Went for HW's wedding last night, held at his condo, was a buffet. And we left quite early, abt 8ish, and Darryl, Lizhen and I went for a drink at Holland V. Lizhen is getting married too! Wow..with frens getting married and pregnant, I'm starting to feel age creeping up on me. ARRRGGHH!! Anyway Lizhen is attending New Creation now, and she says ever since attending that church, she has been consistent for a long time, and finally understood what grace was! I don't think NCC is perfect and in my opinion has a bit of an overemphasis on grace (but not as bad as it is rumoured/preached to be). But the teachings were a blessing to Lizhen who never understood grace in her old traditional church! Grace is impt- for us to know we do not need to go on guilt trips, and that it is with God's grace that we are able to change. Lizhen was sharing abt 3 years ago when Darryl told her abt grace, she didn't understand what that meant at all! Just like me, 2 years ago I didn't appreciate the VCF bible studies very much, but right now I do appreciate the expository bible studies!

Anyway..today during service worship I had some sort of an encounter with God. I was telling Him- God...come and speak to me, I've been serving u long and hard etc..and I recalled those nights/days of BS, counseling, preparing for CG etc, and then I felt impressed upon my heart...that He was telling me that I was of little faith! Did I think that He loves me cos of my good works? Noo...but whether I am good or not, He loves me, and I draw near to Him by that faith!

A myriad of thoughts

Just came back from CG..second time visit to Huifang's cg-CHC adult group. Mustered enuff courage to go there, and smsed Meina (met her once in the last cg) to try my luck, and she actually waited for me to go together...so sweet of her. To my surprise saw Yiting and Jingjing! Jing's fr the cg, Yiting just visiting. :) I like Sis Huifang's leadership style, very gentle and kind, and guess can relate to her in terms of background. I'm still open to so many choices that sometimes I'm really angry with myself for being so indecisive.
Here's what my character profile said:
Being open to rather sensitive perceptions about things, she may also find it somewhat difficult to easily set them aside. She therefore, may require more time to resolve things than people who are mostly action-oriented and concerned about practicalities may think is necessary.
Right...blame it on my character! ;p

This morning at work, I couldn't believe it, but I was smsing a friend, and suddenly it just triggered the deep emotion that I had hidden inside and I started to tear...at my office desk, mine you. Suddenly felt terribly alone, scared & fearful and the months of things that I boiled inside let loose. I feel unfairly treated. I wished I had more time to cry, cos its a relief to do so sometimes. But I had to work. And anyway it was scary. I've never felt more dependent on God than this time in my life..ever..even when ministry was stressful, or couldn't finish thesis, or SE Forum. This point in my life is just horrible-one word to describe it.

In the book, Breaking the Bondage of Legalism, the author shares this about when his wife died:
I'm not much of a cook, so I would eat out on Friday evenings. Many times I would arrive at the restaurant and have to wait a while in my car for the tears to stop. I didn't want people to see me crying. I never wanted people to see me out of control. That was the one thing I always wanted to maintain- control. And that was the one thing the Lord set His sights on to break in my life. I had to learn the hard way that in order to be free, I had to be broken...and brokenness hurts...
The Lord knows that it is only those whose pride has been crushed who are ready to receive His love down deep and share it with others. That humbling process is called brokenness...
Coming face to face with the futility of relying on our own fleshly resources to live the Christian life will be a painful experience. But it opens the door wide to the kingdom of God in our lives..
What areas is the Lord putting His finger on in yr life? Usually it is areas of control...
Whatever instrument He uses, be assured that God is tailor-making it in order to bore down to the core of our pride and control issues and in order to rescue and restore the intimacy of the relationship with Him.

I'm thankful that He chastens His child whom He loves...and day and night, He has been my source of encouragement, the Holy Spirit my comforter..and more than anything, I need God in my life to see me thru. Do not grow weary in doing good!! In due season u shall reap!

Anyway on a HAPPY note,
I got my bonus letter yesterday! And it was a big fat amount! :)
I guess my area of control has not really been finances or studies..cos God always provided those for me. Heh..shan't say that too early tho. Its scary how when u say u give yr life to God, that He really puts u thru the fire of tribulations. But anyway I am thankful. I don't think I deserve that much of money or the work I put in is worth that much of money. It makes me feel really valued in the company! How long more there? Really don't know yet. But I know He will guide.

Grace & Faith

Continued to read Future Grace yesterday by John Piper, and as I was praying, I began to understand something. Sometimes it is so hard to balance grace and good works, and Piper said that salvation was not based on our good works..BUT, it was conditional upon faith. Been reading and haven't really been getting it until yesterday, I understood what it meant. As I looked back at many periods in my life, my sin was not that I had not done enough, loved enough or reach out enough, but rather my sin was I did not have faith enough in God. What displeases God? Hebrews tells us that without faith it is impossible to please Him. God was angry with the Israelites because they kept complaining instead of trusting in Him. Doing things by our own strength leads us to be tired and worn out. And trying hard to be a good christian to justify our salvation=pride= we can work out our salavtion ourselves.
Picture this...a father and a son...the son fell down and is bleeding...the dad wants to pick him up and give him a big hug and clean up his wounds. The dad helping the son is conditional upon that the son allows the dad to do that! But if the son insists on limping about and finding his own solution, there's nothing the dad can do. Yet-this grace is not earned...because the son simply needs to ask the dad for help, and acknowledge that he needs his help.
Ofcos..sometimes God's grace is so sovereign, that even us w/o faith, He still pours forth His grace upon our lives.

New beginnings

I mustered enuff courage today to go for Global Day of Prayer (alone), even tho the whole world was going for Emerge Finale at church. I really wanted to go as how rare would there be an opportunity for christians from different churches to come together to pray at the National Stadium? It also signified unity...and togetherness in seeking God for Singapore's revival!

Had to call up a few frens and finally tagged along with Celia and her cell grp! :) I felt a little weird and out of place among her friends. Its a different culture altogether, but nevertheless was thankful that she was with me.

We broke up into groups to pray, and Celia prayed for me. I was rather ministered by her prayer, as she prayed for me to stop going around in circles, and to know my faith is in God and not in the church. J told me before that I was idolising the church. I was angry with him then, but now I kind of understand what he meant. U see, for a lot of us (in CHC), we are accustomed to think that once we leave this church, we have backslidded or fallen away from God, or that other churches are not comparable. But the thing is, our faith is not built on a church. It is built on God. So one day if the church was no more, we would still believe in God...one day if we have no church to go to, we still believe in God. Our faith must always be in Christ and not in any human being or structure.

I liked the whole session and the feel of it. Even though it wasn't charismatic or loud praying in tongues. And the best part was, the charismatic pastor and the evangelical pastor apologised to each other and washed each others' feet. How I wish there were less bigotry and more love. No matter how many wonderful things we do in the name of faith...dreams we have for God etc., the basics matter.. how we live our lives matter.