2006 in review...

I started 2006 wanting to have a good rest! Stepped down as a cgl from Jan 2006 so that I could have that kind of space to rest and reflect. Pre cgl days were always busy with calling up mbrs/prepare sermons/prepare worship/giving bible studies/doing administration. It came to a point of tiredness, I just needed to step back and seek God, not for the sake of my role as a "cgl".

It felt strange and horribly painful at the start, because it seemed weird I had nothing much on my hands to do. I felt lousy about myself, felt that I had failed terribly in my role and seemed like I had lost direction in my life. It was then I started picking up several books to read, learning to wait on God in prayer and writing journals and blogs on what I have understood from those readings.

The workaholic nature refused to rest, explored doing other things. Signed up for counseling diploma, which took up my wednesday nights, and sometimes mon & fri nights. But thank God it was not that busy and the lectures helped me understand several things such as learning what it means to be a counselor- to go alongside and fortify. Explored my role in the company, no longer a newbie after 1 year of work! Do something! And so the project in July to go Philippines!

The year in review...what shall I say? Have I missed the rest by getting myself into so many things? Not really. I feel that this has been a really growing up year for me, and I understand myself much better, what makes me tick, what are my strengths and weaknesses. I know what I can do well, and what I can't, What I enjoy and what I don't.

It was a long and lonely journey trying to find God in this whole year. Who exactly is God? Is He like what sermons portray Him to be? Can He be personable? Knowing Him is different from knowing what people say about Him. Take away church, leadership and ministry, what do you have left but God Himself!

I have a lot to thank my ex for, he has introduced me to christianity afresh through various authors and triggering my thinking to go beyond my usual perspectives. Thanks, if you are reading this.

My first breakup in March found me in an unknown valley. Un-tread and unknown grounds. Yet much at peace now, knowing that love does not mean possession, but it sometimes means letting go of those whom you love, and hoping that they find their happiness. Though, I wish often that the equation of happiness included me. Yet it wasn't to be, and perhaps never will be. Whatever it is, I know God knows the best, and I pray that if ever can be, God will bring us back together wouldn't He?

Somewhat the rest has come full circle, and I feel much more ready to serve again. Yet this time, I am serving from a position of rest, so serving doesn't mean that rest has ended. Let this peace continually rule in my heart and I pray for more joy. Pray for more wisdom and clarity. Yup, and so I volunteered to lead worship at cg retreat. There is also someone new from church whom I am asked to followup on. With apprehension but yet excitement, I face these new things in my life. I finally understand one thing, after this whole year, I am not defined by the things that I do or the roles that I play. Even though I sound so strong, but I am really afraid of the new challenges ahead. Because, the real me, is actually very shy and easily intimidated. I am only as strong and bold when God is with me.

I am scared that this peace- means that I will let go of the urgency to reach the poor and lost. I hope that it wouldn't be. I hope that the compassion will remain. I hope that I never feel so comfortable that when God calls me to uproot, I can't. I pray that I may not be afraid to be different, to voice out concerns, to challenge others and lead the way if it must be.

In the new year, I pray for new ministry opportunities. Pray that I may be surrounded by the cries of the needy, so that I may never forget. Pray that I may continue to learn humility, yet having full confidence in Christ and in my self worth because of Christ.

Amen!

A tribute to my colleagues

My boss just announced this news today to the rest, so I guess I can blog about it now!
From February onwards I will be moving into the Process Management Office. It was supposed to be July, but the replacement (for me) came earlier than expected, and so I am going to change division in one month's time! This new role is about analysing the processes in the department, and researching on how it can be streamlined/improved, as well as some enhancement projects.

I have mixed feelings now. I am rather happy about the change in duties, cos in this new division, I get to interact with people/coordinate things/go for meetings.

But I am feeling sad too. The feelings haven't exactly sunk in.
In this age where relationships are so temporal, I couldn't ask for more, having a bunch of really supportive colleagues whom I click with. The bunch of us 7, call ourselves the "fishes", cos our division is located behind a glass panel that makes it look as if we were within a fish tank. In the office we have the power puff gals, me and 2 other gals. I don't know if u find this childish, but I really enjoy everyone's company, and relationships really make work less dull. :) Wouldn't have gone through these mths/year without their love & support.

So thank you for the memories, if you are reading this right now!
I'm really glad we can go beyond colleagues to being good friends. I treasure the friendships a lot.

So as the year is coming to the end....I shall start first by paying a tribute to my lovely colleagues.

Thank God for such a nice working environment.

Thank God also for the change. Not sure how long more I could have continued with the work.

Thank God for a good boss who asked me to change division cos he is more concerned with a job scope that is fitting for me.

Thank God for the overseas comm service trip to Philippines. We are going to have evaluation/discussion/feedback next week, and I may have to share. Praying for favour, praying for wisdom, praying for open doors for next year.

Thank God for the Habitat team. Met 3 of them for lunch today with HY. Talked about pay cuts, talked about why they join Habitat...Hosea said there were always openings at Cambodia! Role in finance. Haha.....who knows maybe someday?

In the new year, I pray that the fires of compassion will continue to burn so deep in my heart. I pray for more passion. I pray that God will prepare me the whole of next year, make me strong for whatever journey that lies ahead.

Refresh me! [Written on Xmas day]

I didn't know I was so tired, but seemed like the whole year of work cumulated in a long long nap just now of 2.5 hours. ;) Feeling much more refreshed now, but think I may need more than a few more hours of rest!
Had nightmares of a choir rehearsal, leading some people, and trying to memorise songs. Felt the stress all over me in the dreams.

Came home at near 1am after some dinner and drinks with my Philippines team. Saw that my study table was in a mess with piles of stuffs that I had dumped on top. Unknowingly, stuffs, just kept piling up. Maybe I am spending too much time blogging! But anyhow the release of emotions thru my blogs always make me feel happier, and bring clarity to my mind.

I have to deal with those thick piles of reality. The Philippines trip is over. I think I need a few more days of rest and reflect.

How shall I even begin to summarise this whole year? Hmm...

Christmas service was good. Drama was fantastic. It was very intellectual and thought provoking in fact. Thankful that my colleague came. :)

Yesterday at dinner, the group talked abt Feng Shui, and I admantly said, I don't believe in Feng Shui! And I talked about how God was sovereign in our lives rather. And it became a Q&A session, where I had sort of an opportunity to explain more about christianity.

Will we miss the Reason for the Season

I like the christmasy mood of love, peace and goodwill.
This christmas, met up with a couple of really precious friends for meals. ;) There's good food, drinks and company. There's good christmas shopping with SALES all over the place.
But something seems to be missing...

Could it be, we are missing the true reason behind the season?

I don't need the steak
I don't need the xmas lights
I don't need the beer & champagne.

Had lunch with colleagues @ Outback Steak.....expensive meal.
Had dinner yest night at Clark Quay...food was so expensive! :S

What mattered was not the food....
it could jolly well have been at the hawker centre...

Eating char siew noodles with HY today was nice and warm. Did some shopping too. ;)
Watched Charlotte's Web. Er...have I grown up or the plot seems simplistic? ;)

Another gem of a song from Casting Crowns:

While You Were Sleeping

Oh little town of Bethlehem
Looks like another silent night
Above your deep and dreamless sleep
A giant star lights up the sky
And while you're lying in the dark
There shines an everlasting light
For the King has left His throne
And is sleeping in a manger tonight

Oh Bethlehem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
For God became a man
And stepped into your world today
Oh Bethlehem, you will go down in history
As a city with no room for its King
While you were sleeping
While you were sleeping

Oh little town of Jerusalem
Looks like another silent night
The Father gave His only Son
The Way, the Truth, the Life had came
But there was no room for Him in the world He came to save

Jerusalem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
The Savior of the world is dying on your cross today
Jerusalem, you will go down in history
As a city with no room for its King
While you were sleeping
While you were sleeping

United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children
And while we're lying in the dark
There's a shout heard 'cross the eastern sky
For the Bridegroom has returned
And has carried His bride away in the night

America, what will we miss while we are sleeping
Will Jesus come again
And leave us slumbering where we lay
America, will we go down in history
As a nation with no room for its King
Will we be sleeping
Will we be sleeping

-----------

Will we be sleeping?
Singapore, will you be shopping and eating?

Christmas Noise

Many bim bim and blinking lights this xmas! Christians and non-christians alike, celebrate this season. So many lunches, dinners, gatherings to celebrate the season. I wonder whether we really know the reason behind the season?

Can't really say no to the lunches and dinners. Tho this extravagant lifestyle somehow doesn't ressonate on the inside, yet I exist in a world and society which I must conform to. Maybe as long as I exist here in this environment, I must compromise on certain values.

Or can I choose not to?

Was encouraged at the GIC & MAS CF christmas party yesterday night, where I had the opportunity to share my testimony(http://journey-in-christ.blogspot.com/2006/12/testimony-on-unity.html). It didn't seem that much to me, but a few people came up to me and said they were v encouraged through my sharing. And I stepped back and saw clearly, how good God has been to me throughout this period. How gracious He has been to me. And not only that, I can now step back and understand that all I went through was for a reason, and it made me a much better person.

I know what I will like to do for myself. I will wanna spend my life with the person I love and serve the needy forever. Yet, at the end of the day, it is not about what I want. Things I don't like to do...I was "forced" to do...how beautiful those things turned out to be. From ashes into beauty. The sweet aroma that comes out of obedience. Like...staying >1.5 years in this company, but time flew. And amazingly...this time has been miraculous. The opening of doors to go on an overseas community trip...and how the team bonded together so well...how there are so many opportunities to share of God's love. How.....I don't feel adequate talking to very confident people, yet having opportunities to testify to them..and seeing God work in their lives and in mine.

Taguig City

Day 1
We reached Manila around 12pm, and faced our first "test" when we went through the customs, for the officer wanted to charge us taxes for the soft toys that we were bringing into the place. Ran out with CT to find Connie from Habitat so that she could come in with us to explain to the customs officer that those toys were for the ophanage. That was when I first met Jay, the Finance Director of Habitat Philippines, a friendly tall man whose house we were going to stay for the next few days. The officers refused to let him into the airport, but while waiting for Jay to come, the custom officers got tired and let our team go through anyway.

We had our first taste of Jollibee (aka Philippines version of MacDonalds/ KFC). Brought it back to our home in Paranaque City, where we were to stay for the next 6 days. Jay had refurnished 3 rooms with double decker beds. 4 of us stayed in one room with an attached bathroom. We had our orientation briefing at the house.


At ard 5pm, we set out to the SM Mall for some shopping and dinner. We took the jeepney- which is basically a US military vehicle that has been converted. The jeepneys in Manila are quite creatively decorated. :)




Didn't really like SM Mall as it resembled too much a shopping centre in Singapore's neighbourhood. Anyway we had quick bites here and there at the mall.

Day 2
At 730am, we made our way to the work site. We were to help in the construction of a block of housing that was 3 storey high, and each floor had 4 units of housing. These houses were built for the surrounding people who stayed in make shift houses now.


We had a short briefing from Edmund- the 23 year old engineer for the whole project. He has just finished his studies and was a volunteer for this project.
We formed a human chain to pass bricks. Was tough job manz....my arms almost broke. heh...;P And we self declared our own break. After lunch, we did glouting instead, which was to pour cement into the bricks to fill up the holes. This was a much easier and therapeutic task.

Dinner was at Market Market, a nice mall with lots of local food. I took a photo with Ving, our HFH coordinator.




Day 3
We visited the dumpsite @ Payatas and Salt Foundation. There was a stench at that area. Saw ple scavanging around the dump site ( a mountain of rubbish) for materials that they could pick up for sale. Visited a family and talked to a beneficiary of Salt Foundation. Saw many little kids running pass and in particular, one girl who looked barely 5 was craddling her sister who was a few mths old. What an incredible burden for a little girl like her.

Salt foundation was started by some Japanese. It mainly provides educational sponsorhips to children in that area as it believes that education is the way out of the slums. Most of the sponsors are from Japan. It also provides tuition to the kids in that area and teaches the women-folk how to do cross stitch as an alternative income source.

Just a few thoughts.. Ving said that some of the people there just did not want to move out of the dumpsite as they felt they could get a higher income versus getting a job outside. But I also wonder what sort of opportunities they have outside. At least here they have their community to fall back together. In a separate conversation, I asked Edmund (engineer) what he felt abt these people. He said some of them were just lazy, because his parents were also very poor people, but they worked very hard and managed to bring him and his siblings thru education. He doesn't believe he needs help from the government.



I believe if the government closes down the dump site, they must provide alternative income sources and retraining for the people there. Not only that, the people's mindset need to be renewed. Otherwise, they will just move on to other dumpsites in the city.

Had another half day of working at the site. We did sifting as well.

We went to Makati for dinner. There I was surprised to see how beautiful it was. It was even nicer than Singapore. Everyone was dressed up there. There were lots of pubs, restaurants and cafes there. It is such a big gap between this and the slums. : ( It reminded me a bit of Singapore. A few quick thoughts ran through my mind. While we are visiting our restaurants and cafes at orchard road or esplanade, there are the Singaporeans in the singaporean slums left behind. Who cares two hoots about them anyway? Do the richer philippinos care about those in the slums in Payatas? Makes me wonder also why we Singaporeans are going there to help whereas fellow philippinos can't be bothered? Also the thing about us building in the city instead of the rural areas....the city is where the income gap is the biggest.

After dinner at a chinese food joint (food was not exp and good), we walked ard looking for a pub with a live band. Drove out instead to another area where we settled into Strums. We had some beers and alcohol there and listened to the band which was pretty good. It was fun hanging out with the group. But part of me couldn't let my hair down, reminded of what we saw this morning.

Day 4
We did a city tour today in the rain.
At night as the rain fell, colleague said that typhoon hit again those areas at Philippines. It rained so heavily at our place too. I sent out text messages for prayers. Felt quite sad. Mixed feelings within me. Happy that the team was bonding together so well, but rather upset about the deaths and displacements of homes. Wonder what I am supposed to do?

Day 5
Build time was cancelled as rain was too heavy. :( And muddy fields was dangerous. So instead we went back to Market Market and did some shopping. In the afternoon, we went to the orphanage for street kids & abused kids. Some of them were quite attention seeking, some were reserved and reticent. I had fun playing with them and dancing with them. But time passed and we were to leave. Some of them shouted, pls come back tmr!!! During reflection, I told the team that there were many orphanages in Singapore as well, yups.....so when we are back, we can also volunteer at those. Shared about my experiences with the marginalised youths in Singapore and how they behaved in similar ways as those in Philippines. Insecure, reserved, but needing lots of care and concern.


Jay cooked Paella for us to eat tonight. It was quite yummy. And yup....I miss the taste of Paella.

Day 6
We did building today! HURRAH sun came out and smiled on us brightly. We had farewell program with the home owners ard 3 plus to 5ish. Btw, the interesting thing abt Habitat is that home owners gotto build their houses alongside volunteers. Which makes it unique. ;) Wished I had more time and interaction with them though. I could only remember Deanna. She held my hand and said thank you! Thank you! And smiled at me...she hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheeks. Gave them my address and asked them to write to me.

Went to Bay Walk at night @ Manila City. Nice pubs/restuarants, next to the river. Edmund and Ving came along too!

Very mixed feelings about the whole trip. But it was good trip for me overall. Thought through many stuffs as well. I feel happy and ready to move on to 2007. I know there are lots more ahead for me. As long as the passion and compassion remains within me. But not just within me. But through Christ. To love them like Christ. Oh Lord, fill me with yr endless compassion...fill me with yr wisdom and anoint me with yr words. Very thankful for the verses in Isaiah....God has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. I kept asking myself, what is the good news for the poor that God wants to convey? I don't really know how to pray for them. Sometimes words fail me. Does anyone care? That's why the casting crown song makes so much sense to me. To hold their hand and to love them like Jesus- to carry them to Him- His burden is light.

Day 7
We left Philippines.
Sat along the window and watched the plane take flight. The clouds looked like cotton candy. The endless fields and seas looked minute up there. I wondered if that is how God saw us. Everything under the sun in His control. He gets the big picture. He knows what's going on.

My Prayer

I wrote this prayer on the plane as I was coming back from Phillipines.

Dear God, thank you for the safe trip we had. I'm thankful for your provision. Thank you for your affirmation too as a leader. It has been a fruitful time for me being in Philippines. More stark than anything is the income inequality in the land. Edmund says that some people are just lazy. God, I thank you for reminding me that there are various root causes to poverty. Lord, even as I say that I wish to help the poor, this is such a vague term and idea. There are so many other influences like the government, society and education. Give me wisdom in knowing what is my role in all these.

Thank you for the friendships that have been forged amongst us. Let the bonding remain and that you will bless the friendships. Bless the sharings that may come. Bless and grow those seeds that have been sown.

When I consider the heavens, what is man that You are mindful of Him? All the complaints about social injustice, inequality. I'm sure that You see it better than me. You know the cause and effect, everything must be so interlinked.

I liked holding Deanna's hand and am happy to be able to meet the needs of her, or the hand of the girl who was reserved, shy and withdrawn. I'm scared to venture into this field because I don't know if I'm emotionally capable or ready. I don't know if my parents will be angry with me or worried. I don't want to bear a bad testimony or stumble them. But if it must be, God, You will open the doors for me and soften their hearts. Increase their compassion for the poor and open their blinded eyes to see You and hear Your heartbeat.

Teach me not to be juvenile Lord, to be naive and overly trusting. But to be as wise as a serpant, yet harmelss as doves. To know whom to help, to be able to set proper boundaries, to be strong and secure in You.

Thank You Lord.
In Jesus Name I pray, amen.

I'm happy that the goals I set have been achieved, to see the team coming together, and the trip cumulating with the farewell program we had right at the end. During reflections, people shared about becoming more appreciative of Singapore, about how they are more aware of their lifestyle choices and habits. Even though it was too short a trip, and we built very little of the house, I think at the end of the day, we achieve what we set out to do, if we internalize what we have learnt, and share it with our friends and family members.

Someone from my team bought me a Casting Crowns CD. I really like this song:

Casting Crowns - Love Them Like Jesus

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

Leaving on a jet plane...

Hi guys and gals,

My dearest colleague got married yest at Hyatt Hotel. I was the receptionist with Agnes. It is really a very sweet and blessed thing to be able to find yr life partner and to settle down with him/her. Quite divine too I think. A foretaste of what marriage in heaven is like with the Father.

Travelled down Orchard road in Mark's car as he drove us home. And the shinning christmas lights were beautiful as ever. We drove past a few christmas trees, and I really like the one outside Paragon. What a beautiful night, thank you Lord for the festive season.

Christmas will always be beautiful. For the meaning behind it, the birth of Christ, and the hope & joy it brings with it.

The date is finally near, I will be leaving on this thursday to Taguig City @ Manila Metro, and will only be back on the 13th Dec! I'm so looking forward to the trip, but I am feeling physically very tired. Think it is due to lack of sleep, and have been feeling quite stressed out. :S So do pray for the team. There are a lot of deaths in Philippines due to the Typhoon, and I hope that we can be a blessing in that place.

Sadness and happiness juxtapose together in the same second. How blessed we are in Singapore- a nation without natural disasters. I pray our souls may be as beautiful as the christmas lights. For that truly is the reason behind the season.

Why I am a christian

Today's sermon on The Meaning of Christmas provoked many thoughts in me. I am reminded of the reasons why I am a christian.

I've been talking a lot about social causes in this blog. But why exactly am I so passionate about it?

Sometimes I think of asking non-christians why they are so passionate about social causes. Something stirs within their hearts? The desire for social justice to be done?

Perhaps those are part of the reason. But does this lead to feelings of defeat and depression? Unless u believe that justice & mercy are sovereign in the end, otherwise, u are fighting a lost cause. I've seen how people have become disillusioned and bitter by the sufferings of others.

Or perhaps, u believe in the temporal easing of suffering, and then when we pass away, we are no more, reduced to dust.

When I first converted to christianity, I wanted to talk to someone whenever I felt down or lost, hoping that the one up there will listen to me. However as 8 years passed, this relationship has developed and at the core of it all, I am a christian because I've been continuously touched by God's love.

The speaker shared today on the incarnation of Christ, how He came on earth, the most incredible thing had happened for God to become a man, so that He could relate to us. This was likened to Einstein becoming a worm, instead of the smart scientist and inventor that he was.

As the christmas season draws nearer, it cannot help but bring warm feelings to me, that Christ chose to become human to relate to us human beings. He came in all humility, not in pom, glory or trumpet sounds, but in a manger, as a human. As a human baby Jesus, being fed and changed, helpless like us. And surely, He understands our sufferings and what we go through much better than we think.

This thought touches my heart. And that really, is the true motivation behind my passion for social causes. This love that I believe Christ has for everyone, is available to anyone. A love that I have received, and the only response is with gratitude and thanksgiving, to share the same love with everyone.

He is the same Jesus who wept with compassion when He saw the lostness of men.

One of the most distinctive features of christianity is this personable relationship we claim to have with God. He is our Father and our friend. No other religion offers this personal relationship.

But He is not just a personal God, but also Holy & mighty, ruler of all the earth.

I know that I will burn myself loving others and doing good for others based on my sense of right and wrong. We can't give to others something that we don't have. We can't love others without the revelation of what true love is.

In Lord of the Rings, Gandalf dressed in white raises his shimmering white rod, and light shines out from his body. We as viewers look to him as the saviour of the show. The one with the power. We as human beings all look to something miraculous, someone that gives us hope. Whether God in whatever form, we pray for miracles in our most desperate times. And whenever Gandalf appears, he brings a calmness to his surroundings, we know that he will save the day.

I urge u to think about justice and sovereignity. Do u believe that these are present? They may be the only hope we have left for this world.

And then if u believe in justice, in what form would God come to you?

Appraised

I had a good appraisal with my boss today! He gave me a lot of positive feedback, i.e. I was bright, analytical, had good communication skills and was a good team player. :)
I've worked for about 1.5 years now. Working is different from studying cos there are no exams or assignments to help u grade yr performance. So this appraisal was really encouraging to me. A good end to the year 2006.
Don't think I've very good communication skills actually, and I have problems expressing myself at many times. But I do get along well with my colleagues, and I enjoy interacting with people across different divisions and departments as well. So it's pretty encouraging to know that even though some times I don't feel very confident, I still make people feel comfortable.

I really gotto pray about my job after today's appraisal. I'm so thankful for my boss that he cares more about us as individuals, and he is able to see how we all fit in the company. I am pleasantly surprised by the new opportunities for the coming year. But yes...I've to pray to see when it is time for me to move into more social stuffs.

Thur was interesting meeting up with Andrew & Wendy. Wendy is a lawyer, but she is active in fair trade, conservation, advocacy work etc. Hopefully rubbing shoulders with people who are socially interested will get me started somewhere as well. New ideas? New vision? Starting an organization or a project?

New things are also happening at Don's side. Not sure what are the concrete plans yet, but will be meeting him when I'm back from Manila. ;)Then he will share about the new ministries in china, to chinese youths in Singapore... Hope that I can play a part in that too.

Actually no harm really, another 2-3 more years at the corporate sector, doing social stuffs part time, establishing my social networks. And I'm sure God will lead me after this. Been praying really hard and telling God I wanna do social stuffs right now. Seems like He is opening doors for corporate side, and showing me that this season is not over yet. ;)

I can't help thinking of the man in the bible who planned his business and wanted to build a barn to store up his crops:
18 So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. 19 And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years; take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry." ' 20 But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?' 21 So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.
Luke 12:18-21

How short life is...how vulnerable we are. And we must live the best we can be at every moment of our lives. Fully using it for His glory.

Looking upward and outward

I think I've always been quite emotional, and reflective...and sometimes overly reflective. Sometimes I wish I can drop everything and hang loose. But yet at times this overwhelming burden creeps up on me. And it is a fight to be joyful in times like this.
Yet, I recognise that burdens are also good. They are what God gives to us, to tell us something is not right in this world. And it leads us into taking action, to put right the things that are wrong.
Don't get me wrong. Not implying that we should use our own fleshly ways to put things right. But burdens are God's way of telling us to intercede for something, seeking Him so that He may use us to fulfill his plans!

At times I feel this "cognitive dissonance" with this world. But dwelling too much on that makes me look inward, and it kills my joy. Looking upwards changes everything. Looking outwards teaches me I am so blessed to be alive. I'm so blessed at this age of 24, with such a long future ahead. This is but one quarter of my life.

I've still got ideals, dreams, passions that I want to fulfill in this lifetime. I don't want to die yet. ;) Heh...And taking that step back to give thanks, makes me realise that I yet cannot dwell in a state of immobilisation. Of being weighed down by burdens. To be weighed down and inhibited from moving forward. ;)

It is such a fight for joy. A fight of courage. Something in Colossians encourages me, and I hope it encourages u too. That we are to be strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power. (Col 1:11) Rooted and built up in Him, and established in the faith (Col 2:7).

Today's counseling class was on Young Adults. I had the opportunity to go up and "counsel" someone. Bleah...haha..it was quite a learning experience I guess. Anyway young adulthood is so scary. I think I've fought the past one whole year of battle in transition from a youth to an adult. Very very common for young adults to ponder about career and lifestyle choices. And I've made some very major decisions for my own life. Hence, learning not to worry so much about this "cognitive dissonance" but understand that it is very much a growing process. And afterall, there is so much more to learn about life. So much things we don't know.

Hence look upward and outward, and these help us to grow inwardly.
Indeed, may we be rooted and built up in Him. Amen!

Book sale!

Yeah, just came back from Bethesdal Book Centre. It is really a gem of a shop, located next to the NTUC at Marine Parade, tucked nicely in the row of shops! There's a book sale now:

Bethesda Book Centre – Marine Parade
Clearance Sale

At Blk 80 Marine Parade Central #01-784 Tel: 63483775
12 noon to 7 pm Mondays to Saturdays

Clearance Sale Discounts
Bibles between 10% to 70% discount

Small Group Bible Study Guides
at reduced prices between $4.50 and $10.90

Ministry Resources (Large format)-Any 3 copies at 50% discount
(except Gospel Light Resources which is 10% discount)

Books for children - Any 15 copies / titles-70% discount *
*Except 'nettsp' and 'final'

All Regular Priced Books-25% discount ;
Any combination of 5 titles/copies - 37% discount *
*Except Sets and 'nettsp' - 20% discount; 'final'- 10% discount

You may now mix and match books which are usually tagged at 40%, with titles from the Red Star Section and titles published by Westminster John Knox to enjoy these discounts:-
1 copy -40% discount; 3 titles/copies - 50% discount;
5 copies/titles -55% discount; 10 copies/titles -65% discount

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No commission for advertising for them! I find that it is a really great shop cos there're all sorts of christian books there.

I got 4 books today, lemme know if u are interested to borrow any:
1. Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth, Richard Foster
2. Good News to the Poor: Sharing the gospel through social movement, Tim Chester
3. How Long, O Lord? Reflections on Suffering & Evil, D.A. Carson
4. The giving gift: The Holy Spirit in person, Tom Smail

I think they are all pretty good books. :D It's quite a balanced selection right?

Anyway, yesterday, mum opened my letter and saw the receipt from World Vision. It was a relatively big amt, but actually very small compared to all I have got. Dad began harping about how we shd accumulate more capital to invest so we can help more people. Which I challenged, as to whether the accumulation of more wealth means that we will donate in the future. And whether we will still be alive to be able to give. Today while we went shopping, mum told me something, she said she saw a bangle that was nice, but she decided not to waste money, upon thinking of my donation, and how I saved on myself to donate. And she added fr now on she won't buy anymore clothes for me. I encouraged them on another ocassion to considering adopting a child. I think they are starting to have a paradigm shift, which is quite a happy thing. Glad that my personal choices have some effects on the ones I love. I pray that our lifestyles may slowly change to be a wiser steward of what God has blessed us with.

Mum bought me a dress just now as a christmas present. I really like it a lot, and saw it about a month's back but didn't get it. I'm Happy. :)

Thank God that He has also blessed me in the stock mkt. :D Dad helped me to invest some money!

In clarity, I believe that God can bless us with prosperity. I say can because I believe that a christian may not always prosper but may suffer for his faith. Next to that is something that probably splits some hair-what we do then with the money?

Thank You God for every good thing! He created all things beautiful on earth, the designs, the art, the fashion etc.

The orange fat cat

Just came back from counseling class!

On the way back home, walking past the carpark to go home, I was asking God something. I asked Him, can I really believe You? How do I know I can believe You? And if I may be audacious enough, if the orange fat cat comes ard and strokes my legs while I walk past the carpark, this thing will come to past!

Didn't really have any supernatural feeling of faith rising, walked past the carpark anyway...din see the cat in sight. Sigh. Decided to walk through the pavement betw my block and the next. And lo! There was the fat cat sitting on the pavement.

I meowed at her, and she walked over, slowly ard my legs before collapsing on the floor with her fat tummy up, exposing the white fur beneath. :) Stroked it as it happily stared away, tail bobbing up and down.

There, in the middle of the night, I sought solace in the cat. Always so calm and reassuring cat. ;)

Not sure if this implies anything with regards to what I prayed for! Nevertheless, I hope it does.

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Been re-reading some emails, and thought that I hadn't thought things through from another's perspective. Truly am sorry for the hurt done.
This made me think of To Kill a Mockingbird, and Atticus's famous quote to his daughter Scout:
"if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"

I really liked that book when I read it in secondary school.

O Lord, give me a big enough heart to love others, to truly love and seek the better of the other. I'm sorry for the hurt done and for seeing things only from my own perspective.

To love at all is to be vulnerable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

-C.S. Lewis

The voiceless...The left behind

There has been a spate of articles recently in the newspapers on the lower income group in Singapore, and how the income gap is widening. I think that this is something to be concerned about. Both HY and I were talking some time back, and we agree that we belong to an "elitist" crowd in Singapore. We may not belong to the highest income group, but nevertheless, having upper middle class exposure, having a limited social circle.

Who are those left behind anyway? Do they have a voice? If they are not well-educated in the first place, there is probably no way they can articulate their situation in words to the ST forum, or Today. Are they left behind?

Last year my friend and I visited a man who stayed alone in his one room flat. He was heavy on smoking, didn't have money to get a mattress, and probably surviving hand-to-mouth.

In CHC, the youths I got to know did belong to a different social circle from my usual crowd. Some of them dislike studying, a few of them smoked. One of them, clear in my mind, a girl who was in sec sch. Her parents wanting a boy badly, and had abt 4 daughters before they had a boy. However the family was not well to do, and ofcos having many children meant that they had to struggle.
I also met an unwed mother- In her early 20s only, her bf had just come out from jail. They had to depend on loans from family to start their own family, feed the new born child and all that.

Anil said something that time. Lest I misquote, this is only the jist of it. Why do we catagorise the poor? Because, if everyone in the neighbourhood has a TV set, and you don't have, u are considered poor.

For some time, immediately after hearing this commment, I was a little taken aback, and the most immediate response from me was, er...but a TV set is not even a necessity. People in Africa are probably dying from lack of food. That is a difference between wants and needs, between "good to have" and surviving.

But..The left-behind group in Singapore, who are they? Do they have enough to eat? Are they forever trapped in poverty cycle? Will they ever own that TV set?

Surely that is of a concern also. Whether it is about needs or wants. $1 income per day....no singaporean can survive. But can they survive with $2 a day? One plate of chicken rice costs $2.

Pardon the blabbering... Just trying to reconcile some thoughts. This December will probably be visiting and giving out some christmas gifts to the Left Behind. And I urge you to think about them as well.

-----------------------

Where your heart is, there your treasure is also. I've been trying to allocate parts of my money to different purposes. Learning to be a wise steward. If I am giving money, give to who? Philippines? Bangladesh? Lesotho? Ethopia? China? Where? And is this giving sustainable?

Oh I do need to think of long termed how I should start something to do something.

Thinking abt my conversation with a friend. Again, the comment of how much can I help. Again the comments of naivity. And so we need to change government and political structures, eliminate corruption, cos those mean that the food aid doesn't get to the proper place. But my point is, while the structures are being changed, does it mean that we just quit and say that no point us doing anything anyway? It must be a two pronged approach to solve poverty issues. Surely while govt structures are being changed, we can't afford to sit there and do nothing. Or a three pronged approach, govt, civil and corporate sectors must work together.

Anyway there are all sorts of possibilities. I hope make poverty history happens in our lifetime.
An idealist can become a realist. Or he can become a cynic. ;P
I hope to become the former.

Cross sector alliances

This week I was attending a quantitative finance course by a SMU lecturer. It is a series of about 10 lessons held for GIC staff. All he discussed looked all too familiar. T-stats, CAPM model, three factor model, Farma & French, regression etc. It was just like yesterday when I was doing my final year in NUS, sitting in the tutorial room listen to my lecturer. All too vivid, the pouring through of journals, surfing the net, coming up with propositions for thesis.

And a nudge in my heart, why didn't I do a finance thesis? Crunching numbers, regression? Be like every finance major. And then another tug. This tug that said, I wouldn't have enjoyed it. If I got to choose all over again, I would still have done my thesis topic: Cross Sector Alliances in Singapore: An exploratory study of collaborations between companies and charitable organizations. :)

For this is me...all along have been me I guess. Just thinking thru who am I really, what do I like to do?

This passion for the marginalised always been there...this desire for sustainable help for the marginalised always been there.

The word is sustainable.

Seeing companies becoming for socially responsible. I will be so glad and happy. ;0 Ha...really...

Really glad that the Habitat project has opened up doors for future. We are planning for future trips already. Opening bank account for charity projects. Feels good seeing the transformation within the company. Very encouraged by my director. Maybe next year we can go with Pastor Don to China to build a rehab centre. That will be nice.

There's a season for everything...

Been really tired the whole week. Ha...think I've said that already. Been having lots of giddy spells, and bad memory. Almost can't remember what was being said to me few minutes after. Think my brain been processing too much info. I can see the numbers floating about. Returns, profits, portfolio numbers. It just makes me feel again how long more I am going to do this.

Surely my knowledge of finance must have a use for my future work. I pray it may all come together in clarity.

Definitions of poverty

I thought I will just share some of the stuffs I read from Jeffrey Sachs book, some basic information that I never knew, and I think my blog readers don't as well.

"As a matter of definition, it is useful to distinguish between three degrees of poverty: extreme (or absolute) poverty, moderate poverty, and relative poverty. Extereme poverty means that households cannot meet basic needs for survival. They are chronically hungry, unable to access health care, lack the amenities for safe drinking water and sanitation,cannot afford education for some or all of the children, and perhaps lack rudimentary shelter-a roof to keep the rain out of the hut, a chimney to remove the smoke from the cook stove and basic articles of clothing, such as shoes. Unlike moderate and relative poverty, extreme poverty occurs only in developing countries. Moderate poverty generally refers to conditions of life in which basic needs are met, but just barely. Relative poverty is generally construed as a household income level below a given proporation of average national income. The relatively poor, in high-income countries, lack access to cultural goods, entertainment, recreation, and to quality health care, education and other perquisites for upward social mobility.

The World Bank has longed used a complicated statistical standard-income of $1 per day per person, measured at purchasing power parity- to determine the numbers of extreme poor around the world. Another World Bank category, income between $1 per day and $2 per day, can be used to measure moderate poverty....They estimated that roughly 1.1 billion people were living in extreme poverty in 2001, down from 1.5 billion in 1981...1.6 billion moderately poor."

The End of Poverty, Jeffrey D. Sachs

By this, it seems that the people we are helping in Manila are the moderately poor. We will be building for illegal settlers at Taugig City. A bit disappointed we are no longer going to the rural areas. :( Sigh.

Anyway I am so tired. But good that I went to CG yesterday. It was a good praying together with the people there. :O I know that God calls us to be accountable to one another, and that is to protect us from the evil one- a lone ranger is easy to be attacked. Ofcos we can retain our own individuality in a group, being in a group doesn't mean we lose our brains (I hope!). How we all need christian friends to pray with. How we all need each other in our imperfections. How we need each other even when we can't don't agree with each other. How being together with others teaches us humility and contrition. How God teaches us to love through loving imperfect people. The more we hang out with others, the more we find out abt their flaw/strengths, the more we discover our own weaknesses too.

Superficiality

Thought I will just give a quick update of what I will been up to! Monday I took leave to rest and go to the library, and I borrowed Jeffrey Sach's The End of Poverty. I was quite happy with this borrow cos I thought that I would have had to buy the book. ;) He writes in a rather interesting and engaging manner, and hopefully this will give me some head's start on poverty issues, beyond the superficial things I know.

Tues onwards I went back to work, and started having a flu. That lasted for the whole of last week, but I got better on Friday. Been a rather challenging week, cos it was the peak period for our fund raising. We have managed to raise more than 12K already. Anyway was quite stressed out again with numerous emails & phonecalls. I guess yet again, needing to have some quiet time with God so that I don't get caught up in all the doing again. Had counseling classes on Mon and Wed too, and worked late on Tues...so it was a really tiring week for me.

Stayed out late with colleagues and sec sch frens respectively on Fri and Sat nights. Came home on Fri night abt 2ish....really v rare to be home so late for 2 consecutive fri nights. We had fun singing KTV @ The One. Sat had a bbq with my rg sch mates. "Interesting" how almost all of us are working for the govt, whether directly or indirectly. I think the govt is doing a good job in recruiting.

Actually didn't really enjoy the bbq that much. Maybe I was tired. It was good ofcos catching up and seeing how others are doing. But more than that I guess I couldn't connect nor identify that much. And it was tough to connect authentically beyond the superficial, due to the class gathering being once in one/two years. I know I can't grow old like that, be an typical Singaporean who aspires to have a stable career, car, house, country club membership, and yeah, be happy.

Service was good today, on prayer. ;)
Was reminded of this verse at the end when we sought God:

8 Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. 9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, 'Here I am.'
Isaiah 58:8-9

Went to Parkway to get my contacts, and I saw this cute toddler in his pram, and he was crying. His eyes and nose became red. But his dad reached out his hand and said, come daddy carry you. And it was such a sweet moment to see almost immediately, the brawling stopped. "Daddy" was quite a big plump guy, and toddler lying in his arms was in such a secure position. It reminded me of Daddy's love that embraces me...when I mess up and cry, I know He is there.

Been feeling rather burdened these days for people. I guess that kind of emotional tiredness and burden is even more heavy that physical sickness. Though I am reminded that I am NOT God, and it is not abt me to take matters in my own hands.

Snuffles

Well, I've been sick. My colleague called me Snuffles, which is quite a cute name! ;P Dragged myself to work on Wed sniffy and all, nose kept dripping. Nevertheless had a meeting in the morning and endless emails to clear!
It has been so tough managing the trip, work and counseling sch! Really tired. Try to catch a few winks on the bus though. Listening to music, reflecting and talking to God on the bus helps. :)

Weekend is here soon! Glad I'm feeling much better too. Pls keep me in yr prayers for wisdom and strength.

Do you know I love you?

I was praying last night, sniffy nose and all. And on and off, this question has been flirting in my head. "Do you know I love you?"
The sniffy nose me started to cry, and ask God, God- Why do You love me? What exactly about me do You love?
And the question kept repeating, "Do you know I love you?"

Me: "No, I don't know. Why do You love me? There's nothing about me that deserves to be loved."

Images of myself in the past, things I've done, things I've not done.

But these were not impt.

Yes, I know that God loves me unconditionally. He loves me because I am me.

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Service was great today. Talking about the MarketPlace again. But it was a radical message to surrender to the Lordship of Christ in our lives.
With reference to Col 3:24, 4:1, Pastor Edmund said that these were not only written to instruct us to bear a good testimony as christians in the mkt place, or as bosses we pity our subordinates. But really, the whole book of Colossians was about the Preeminance of Christ, Jesus must be Lord over every arena of our lives.

Why do you work? Puritans viewed work as a stewardship to God. Who do you work for? Your master should be God, and not yr mthly pay cheque.

We are a faithful witness when we demonstrate the transformation of God in every arena of our lives.

Was touched when Pastor Edmund shared about what he told his domestic helper. On the first weekend that she had an off day, he sat her down with his wife and two children, and told her that they treated him like a daughter in the family. Every day- off, and they gave her some money and said- Go and enjoy yourself.

Wow. To be in a position of authority- and yet not lording over others, but being Christlike.

Then he brought our attention to Lev 25:43- The year of Jubilee and what is in God's heart.

The grant reversal of greatness in the bible- Whereas the way of the crowd equates success to being in a position of authority, the way of the cross equates success as stewardship & servanthood. That is what is radical about Paul's message.

Can it be that, a person who loses everything for the sake of Christ- is actually the true success story?

Drinking Beer

I received a phone call from HY last night around 7ish, was on my way home for dinner! And she asked if I was free to join her at her aunt's pub @ Central Mall. Was an enticing offer. Had dinner at home and reached there about 1030pm. Yeah the night was still young. HY's bro and HJ were also there. It wasn't like Balaclava or Paulaner, it was quite a small place, and we settled comfortably outside. It was just such a break from mundaneness. Have never drank with HY before actually, only with colleagues and other frens. :)

I like to drink beer! And I like to stay out late at night cos it is just so cooling, and it feels like it is easy to talk.

Went back abt 1ish, and HY's bro drove us back. Think I haven't been home so late before except for overnight prayer meeting, and christmas and new year's.

Along the way HY and I were talking abt everything, from Singapore to the govt to entrepreneurship to SE to money, i.e. the high cost of living in Singapore, how Singaporeans are unhappy, and how we compromise to behave like everyone else. I am just so amazed how we kind of progress together wrt to our thoughts. And God has indeed blessed me with a gem of a friend whom I can relate to. :)

Was awoken this morning by my parents arguing abt curtains. SIGH. Even though I slept at 3am. Went for prayer walk @ Woodlands in the afternoon...took me 1.5 hrs to get there by a bus that goes by the expressway. Covenant is building a church at Woodlands, and today was survey day and also prayer walk the HDB flats/schs etc. Had a good chat with my church mates. Felt a sense of deja vu, praying and mingling with church people, getting into fellowship of church mates. Yet a bit apprehensive and afraid. Read- my spiritual blog post to understand what I mean.

But I am all sniffy now, I think I caught a cold due to the drizzle... ha....and late night's sleep.

Habitat for Humanity

Habitat people came over to our company today to do a briefing. Even though we have been raising money for them, there was a nagging feeling within me, somehow wasn't very convicted about their work. But I am really glad that I clarified with them some doubts I had today. One of the questions that I asked was, why build houses for the poor? Of all things that people need, houses seem a bit secondary to basic needs. The reply was that they find that sometimes, having a house also means that other areas of a person's life fall into place. Very often with a house, the poor also start having stable jobs and their kids start getting education. It's like one of the basics that people need. Something that we may never understand cos we always take for granted having a place to live in. Also, Habitat works closely with World Vision and other NGOs to help meet other needs of the poor.

Another question, why send people over there to build houses, when we have no expertise and money can be used much more effectively if we just sent money over? The answer was on how much more a person gained when he went there- starting to look at price tags before they purchased things. Furthermore, an example was given of a grp of women who went to Papau New Guinea. In that village, only men worked, so the villagers were all amazed seeing women coming out to build houses. On the second day, the women in the village started coming out to help build as well, and the men also chip in. Our presence there- brings a certain transformation too.

Question, why must people pay for their houses? This helps them to take responsibility of their house. There were examples of NGOs that went into villages and then build the houses, and 1-2 years later, the place just looked like a high class slum. Actually, houses are not that expensive. In some places, if a household manages to collect 3 chicken eggs per day, he may be able to pay for a house in 6 years time. This kind of incentive encourages the villagers to work as well, knowing that for their work, they will be able to own a house after some years. Many even move on to higher paying jobs. Habitat also works with other NGOs and microfinance firms to help the poor.

Well, this concept of the people paying back must mean that one day Habitat will become self sustainable. But no, the reason being, the number of houses being built increases exponentially, and furthermore, not everyone repays their loans. Money also goes to advocacy work.

And then I begin to ponder about another thing. Social Entrepreneurship is a wonderful concept that helps people to become self sustainable, but question is can we ever leave the model of outright charitable donations? Hmm. Probably not. People still have needs. People will still need the freebies. But how can we best give to them and teach them too, to that people can live dignified lives.

Another thing, these days the discussion on donor fatigue and how we expect VWOs to utilise our donations wisely. Low salaries pls, don't use our money for administrative purposes or too much on fund raising expenses. Ofcos, golden taps are way out. But then are we so self righteous to simply stand on the other side and accuse people of making too much money? Someone close to me is going to start working in church, and then the in-charged promises they will try to match her current salary, tho it prob wun be possible. Which on one hand seems fair enough, on the other hand I think, I will be worried if they can match the salary. So which side are you on? Are fair wages fair for fair work? (The word is "fair", and how much is really "fair")

What exactly helps people get out of poverty? Recently been reading economist online, and there are pretty interesting articles that tackle global issues. Taking half day off tmr as well as monday. Just need a good break for myself. Nothing better than to curl up at the library and READ!! Some time to watch silly Korean dramas too.

Yeah...I'm becoming a kind of a bookworm. Actually not really too. Starting to try and meet up with long lost friends. Most recently met up with 2 sec sch classmates, and it was enjoyable despite the different backgrounds and careers paths we are on now. Was interesting to listen abt the civil service and...umm..hmm..I felt comparatively quite thankful for my job. But prob that's a generalisation too. I think it is important when relating to people, to suspense judgment, and to see them with our hearts. The concept of the "other" often is reinforced by our lack of interaction with them. Though people may have different choices from us, I think we learn to love, and to see people beyond the issues we disagree with them about.

Greenridge Shopping Centre & Bukit Panjang Shopping Centre

In the area I live in, Marine Parade/East coast, I hardly go to the Choa Chu Kang area, except for 1 year ago when we had some cgs there at Pending. Wow...it is really a very long ride to Covenant, have to take a bus to Orchard and then change to 190 and then walk down the reservoir to reach the church. Maybe takes 1.5 hrs? When I told some church friends that, someone remarked- Wow, u must really get blessed going to church every week! ;) That was quite amusing. Just like my mum's grouses on why "choose new church choose somewhere so far?", or questions like "You stay near Bukit Panjang?".

Yeah I must admit the distance is quite a deterence...and it gets lonely when most of my friends there stay in the west area. But I like it there enough to want to travel there every week. :) Today's msg was on the Mkt place. I felt it was a good and balanced teaching. And really led me to evaluate my attitude towards work and my job. I hope that I may do everything heartily unto God, and with a good attitude. The speaker said something, "if the meat decays, don't blame the flesh, blame the salt"- in context of how we christians are to be the salt and light in the mkt place. I hope that I may be....found faithful steward, and pleaser of God, not men. Oh yah, we sang my favourite song today- "You alone- You are the peace that guards my heart...."

Had a good laugh with some of the cg people. Am looking out for a new cg in the east. Nevertheless, am thankful for this fellowship that God has blessed me with. I enjoy our fellowships at Greenridge shopping centre and Bukit Panjang....haha....unfamiliar territories- whether in terms of geographical location or people. Needs time to get used to. :)

It helps to be honest

I've been listening to FIR's Flight Tribe. It is really very soothing. Can identify with many of the high and low emotions depicted in the lyrics of the songs in the album. In particular I like the song "Tian Tian Ye Ye". It starts with LeAnn Rimes's "How do I live without you", and then the lyrics speak of lost love, but go somewhat like being embraced by you, feeling your presence every night, and remaining in that moment of being loved. And it is really very lovely. :)
I think FIR are christians, cos I remember they said thank you God when they received some prize. And in this album, it begins with the recordings of a voice saying "A voice came from the mountains, from the creator of the universe, saying you shall be my people, forever."

Feeling quite tired. Has been a very hectic 3 weeks? With counseling test, assignments, the fund raising for Habitat as well as quarterly reports at work. Its like a wound up spring waiting to unloose itself. Ha..late nights home and less than 6 hours of sleep everyday. ;D Now just feeling quite lerthargic and almost feel like my brain cells are not working anymore. I'm so glad the weekend is here, and the holiday on Tuesday. I think I need a good long break to recharge, sleep, rest my mind from thinking & decision making and just let loose.

A friend bought a $450 bag from a sale...a bag that would otherwise have cost $1200. Ofcos it is none of my business how people spend their money. But it breaks my heart to think and know that someone else is starving, while we are having our $450 bags. A very vivid analogy that always remains in my mind...is something a friend told me. We were sitting at Haagan Das, and he pointed to the shops downstairs and said, imagine below it was a slum, or there were people starving and poor there, will u still have the heart to spend yr money sitting here and having yr ice-cream, will u still build yr 41 million church building? It's because these people are so far away from us that we don't think about it.

It breaks my heart when I think of that.

Right now my mind is clear when I talk about this. For the past few mths struggling with a mixture of emotions. But now that all is calm, I am glad that I understand better how I am feeling! :> And I am not just being emotional. I am serious! It's just that most people don't think about this, or how unfair it is, or how privileged we are.

I think that there are signs that I have healed. :D Very glad for that. Lots of crying and prayer before the Lord. And the healing was really a process but the breakthroughs came when I released my pain to God, knowing that He understands how I feel, and I am thankful that I never have to face any painful moment alone, and that I can honestly face that pain. Okay, I am having pain, but I know that God u understand. It really helps being honest with yr emotions. :)
Counseling classes have been really good too, in the self discovery process, and cognitive behaviour therapy I apply on myself to correct some of my wrong thinking and assumptions. Yeah yeah...

I'm glad....though still feeling lost wrt to my future. What should I do? Where should I go? Where should I belong. Hence a certain anxiety, but yet a peace that sits in my heart, knowing that He is with me right now and understands my fears. Thank You.

Of the image of the child on the door post

There have been a couple of interesting news on the Straits Times & Today rcently. Yesterday Today reported that there were too many Voluntary Welfare Organizations (VWOs) vying for too little donor funds. One of the reasons was that it was too easy to register a VWO in Singapore. Some of the VWOs could be combined and streamlined to help others more effectively. I'm glad that there are many individuals who have the heart to do something for others- hence many start VWOs to help. I think I kind of agree though, that merging some of the smaller ones together may increase effectiveness.

Now the issues that face Singapore or any developed nation tends to defer from a developing country. These are strictly my own unread opinions. I think a developed country faces a lot of issues of the heart-loneliness & purposelessness & depression. Hence we have delinquency, forsaken elderly, lovelorn people and depression.

Perhaps in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, these are on top of the pyramid. After fulfilling their basic needs for food, shelter/security, next on the line is love, and esteem and self actualization. Hmm...Maslow does have some insights there. How many people in the city of Singapore feel unloved, and have low self esteems? Ha..I really don't know.

When we were seeking for extra leave for our Philippines trip, a director asked why don't we start in Singapore first. I don't know. It seems like the usual arguement is that there are also problems in Singapore. I think there will always be problems everywhere. The thing is it can be difficult bringing across to people the extent of the problems elsewhere. Cos if we live in a glass box and sheltered environment, we can't see out of the box to see the problems elsewhere. How would we know anyway, how the people in developing countries are starving and homeless? And those are the images that we need to have in our hearts, to move us with compassion to do more.

Yes we must do more. Thankful in a way that MCYS has many comprehensive policies for the low income. The government in Singapore indeed does quite a good job in helping to eradicate poverty locally. Can we then set our eyes elsewhere beyond our own shores and help others?

Abt 2 mths ago when Anil was here, one of my friends asked- Singapore seems to have not much problems. Cos social entrepreneurship seeks to help where there is a lack. E.g. Anil was saying that when he was in Nepal, he saw a child tied up to to the door post of a house because the mother was taking a 3 hour walk to the village well to fetch water. I think we all need to see images like this! Visually or inside our hearts! And then Anil was saying if we are so good in Singapore, why don't we impart some policies to help other developing countries?

Ha..I will like to, except unfortunately I am not an expert in policy making or development. But for now I hope to bring more people to see these images.

Just how can we be happily eating our big macs and sakae sushi and buying more prada and gucci and what nots when there are people dying? And what we are getting for ourselves- yes, unfortunately, is to fulfill our esteem needs.

I don't know who agrees with me. Maybe we are just desensitized to all these. Maybe our own problems have blinded us to others' problems. I know that it feels terrible to wake up in the morning at 7am...go to work and come back at 9pm from overtime. Most of my colleagues are so tired of their work...and it is really so meaningless. Hence we need more psychologists and counselors and more leisurely activities to make us relax and feel happy. Spas and shopping sprees and all that. When will these vicious cycles end?

What if we meet our esteem needs by helping others? What if the image of the child on the house post is ingrained in our minds and hearts? Would this world be a happier place? Would we be more thankful for what we have? And will we stop striving to be top of the rat race cos even if we win we are still rats? When will we have enough to make us happy?

Okay enough ranting! Lets go back to happier and positive posts....

One of the dilemmas I face while raising funds for Philippines is that I don't want people to give out of compulsion or emotional blackmail. But from their hearts, they want to chip in cos they feel something. And that's impt! Though..it is also impt to challenge ple and make them (us) feel uncomfortable abt the way we are carelessly spending our money.

Thankful for the wonderful team of people! 13 of us are going, plus abt 5 others helping in Singapore. And have been so encouraged by the way they organize the garage sales, staying late to pack stuffs, taking lunch time to do the sales, taking weekends to do the posters. :)

Here's a brick that we are giving to everyone who pledges $10. If u are interested, do contact me. The words on it say "Every Brick Matters".



Oh yah, I was talking abt 2 articles. There's another one today on Straits Times. Mohammad Yunus has received a nobel prize. :)I am so happy for him. He is the one who started microfinancing at the Grameen Bank in Bangladesh. He didn't come from a poor family either. Neither did Bunker Roy. ;) And I believe that we are in our privileged positions for a reason. God must have a reason for placing us in Singapore, to be well educated and all that. So that we can extend our hands to help others with the expertise that we have learnt.

Tired

Thankful. Finished 2 days of garage sales...
Just packed up. Ha..I'm so tired.. in times like this that I miss having shoulders to lean on.
I feel totally zonked out.
Now gotto continue working in office...maybe will grab dinner and stay till 10? I'm so glad tmr is Saturday! :)

Thank God its over!

So so so so relieved that my counseling psych test and assignments are over! It has been a totally busy 2 weeks and I am so tired! Loads of emails in the office on the fund raising projects as well...and endless emails for work too. So it has been tough juggling the many different hats. One moment it is numeric, the next it is counseling and the next it is fund raising. Phew...

Anyway thur and fri we are having our garage sales. I hope all goes well! It is just like me to worry abt everything...and I am really feeling tired...but I think it is God's grace that pushes me forward. Just one step at a time, keep walking.

We watched Catch me if u can after the test today.. and it was quite nice. I've watched it before some years ago, but don't really remember it that much. I really liked this phrase "Sometimes it is easier living in a lie". And wow, that was simple but profound. Really. I mean when Frank (Leonardo Dicapro) heard his dad was dead, he knew that once and for all, his hope that his mum and dad will one day reconcile collapsed. But the axe that totally collapsed his whole idea that his mum will get back with his dad if the dad became rich again was when he saw his mum happily remarried with a daughter.

So we must all stop living in lies. Even though they make us feel better.

I am learning to trust God that in His own right timing, He will bring me what is best for myself. And for others too. And that, I think, is genuine love. Took me so long to figure out. Don't wrestle against God, u never win. But trust in Him, in due season, He will bring things into pass. Though...I hope that He will give me what I like.

The width and length and depth and height: of His love

Ephesians 3:14-21
14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, F6 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height-- 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Spent some time praying today before getting down to study for my test, and was very encouraged by God's reminder that He loved me so much. It was as if He engulfed me with His love. And this love, as Paul has described, is so hard to comprehend. It means that even if I mess up, am notti, imperfect, din meet my expectations, God still loves me. And how can I comprehend this love? How can I understand how much He loves me, for even myself, I cannot say I love myself unconditionally, whether I perform or not. But His love so touched my heart tonight. ;)

Was listening to my mp3, and then it came to this song:

I Simply Live, Hillsongs
Say the word and I will sing for You
Over oceans deep, I will follow
If each star was a song
And every breath of wind, praise
It would still fail by far to say
All my heart contains
I simply live, I simply live for You

Chorus:
As the glory of Your presence
Now fills this place
In worship, we will meet You face to face
There is nothing in this world
To which You can be compared
Glory on glory, praise upon praise
You bind the broken hearted
And save all my tears
By Your word, You set the captives free
There is nothing in this world
That You cannot do
I simply live, I simply live for You

And it brought so many memories. Cos I remember I sang this song when I was in JC, and that was abt 1 year after I had converted, so full of faith in God, and just growing. Starting and learning to put my trust in Him. And I remember when I first converted, we had such a difficult time at home, not being able to attend meetings/cgs and being scolded when we got home late, being shouted at and all tat. And when I sang this, I really meant it with all my heart. Though right now at this pt, I can look back and know that many of the things I declared then might not have been tested...it was really true many years after JC to now, that slowly God moulded my heart. Yet, I could remember myself then, just having tat kind of simple faith to believe in God, that I simply live for Him. And one of the miracles that happened was that my parents got saved! We prayed for 3-4 years? Before they finally did. And yup, I know nothing is too great for my God...

How can I even begin to comprehend His love for me? So unconditional. Dear God, help me to understand this love...when i get depressed, tired and lost. Help me God. Amen.

Do u really know me?

You Don't Know Me
Artist: Jann Arden

You give your hand to me and then you say, "Hello,"
And I can hardly speak; my heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell you think you know me well,
But you don't know me
No, you don't know the one who dreams of you at night,
And longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight.
To you I'm just a friend; that's all I've ever been,
Oh, you don't know me.

(Bridge:)
*For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by,
The chance you might have loved me, too.

You give your hand to me and then you say goodbye;
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy.
You'll never, never know the one who loves you so,
No, you don't know me.

Of undue worries...and special giftings

Just came back from a mooncake fest celebration with some elderly from CCWA. My colleague organized a trip there. ;) It was okay I guess...din have much interaction with the elderly, and it brought back some memories of my late grandparents. ;( These elderly came from surrounding one-room flats, and many were deserted by their children. And it also brought to my mind- my parents are going to grow old and elderly, and it was a rather scary thought.

I do care for the elderly ofcos, but this trip has helped put in better perspective what my passion is. Standing in the room, the one that caught my attention was this thin indian woman sitting at the corner, she had a cute toothy smile. ;) I don't know if someone like her could be described as "marginalised". Perhaps she is just different from the roomful of chinese elderly. But strangely it was her who stirred my heart. Just like in the mission trip, the broody boy at the corner, and the shy gal at the other side were the ones who caught my attention. And I think yup...I do have the patience & love to stay with these people, be there for them, and care for them, even if no one loves them.

And so in a way I found my "niche". Heh. Yah. Was really Feng Lao Shi's letter to me, and she was saying how Christ used me to love people. And I am thankful. I think at times I just feel so unloving. But God has given me the gift of mercy- and I think that means being patient and kind to people whom others dun care two hoots abt.

-----

I felt the weight of the stress this week upon me as I was asked to decide on which airline to book, whether to re-do the bricks etc. (The miniature bricks are tokens we are giving to anyone who donates to our blding proj) Don't laugh at me, maybe these are quite simple decisions for u, but they are tough for me cos I hate to make decisions esp if they implicate other people. Its fine if the implication is on myself. And so I felt stressed out with people seeking me for yes and nos. But this time I learn to wait upon God, and to try and lay aside these pressures to seek Him at night in quiet time. And I'm just glad. I'm going to start over again and re-learn from my past mistakes- I was so burnt out due to undue worry and trying to do things by my own strength.

Met with 2 colleagues from CF this afternoon to pray. And just lifted up the burdens to God. The amazing thing was yest night as I was praying for this morning's meeting with the community trip team, I just had inspiration to share some stuffs about the trip. This morning when we had our Habitat meeting, I just shared with them abt the motivation behind this trip- that it was not pushing for brick sales, but rather, it was to approach ple with sincerity. More than that, the motivation I had was to see people more charitable in the company. And then when I shared, it just reminded me of being in a cell group. Except those ple aren't from my cg, but I've a dream and hope tat in the same way, God will touch their hearts and will anoint my lips. ;) Other then the gift of mercy, I think there is smthing of a pastorial heart within me.

Same side of the Moon

Since it is mid-autumn fest. And the big round moon.
I was listening to this song, and it is a very poignant song.
BTW, I realise Corrinne May has a blog.

S A M E S I D E O F T H E M O O N
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 1998, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space
can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon.

I picture you across the oceans
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space
can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

Why are you doing what you are doing?

One of the most impt questions that we must ask ourselves is- Why are u doing what u are doing? What's yr motivation behind it? Because the best of things that we do can be done out of the wrong motivations.

I was quite happy this morning, and woke up feeling a deep sense of God's peace. And I felt this confirmation from God abt some of the decisions I had made. And esp wrt church, I just felt this tremendous peace and assurance. Been waiting for very long for God's confirmation wrt my change of church. Will still need to keep praying about it, but I am thankful.

For these months I've been asking myself do I want to change church because I am sick, tired and disillusioned, or is it really I want to grow and find a church where I can identiy with its vision. And I'm glad that after such a long time, I can finally say that it is the latter. ;)

Now about jobs- I am still trying to figure out my motivation for wanting to work in the social sector/developing country. Is it because I don't enjoy my work and want to escape from it? Is it because it is something at the spur of the moment? Is it because I want to prove something? All these are questions I need to answer to. Roughly have some dates sorted out for myself which I am aiming for. But are those dates right and appropriate?

Until I get my intentions sorted out, I know as real as it can be, when I get thrown into a ministry kind of role, I will simply be serving out of impure intentions, and then when I fall, I will get disillusioned and angry with life.

I need to have the faith to believe God that this is not where I am going to continue forever, 830am to 6pm. There must be something more.

Little Miss Sunshine

Little Miss Sunshine was such a fantastic movie. One of the best I've seen for some time. Really shd go catch it.
The family is dysfunctional, there are issues of drug addiction, homosexuality, pornography, depression etc. But how the script writer just injected humour in bringing across his message. That we are basically all messed up people, carrying with us all our personal baggages. And yet at the end of the day how we accept each other, and learn what it truly means to be human. It challenges the definition of success, being loserish and all that. As one of the character says- he thinks that life is just a series of beauty peagents. But at the end of the day- life I think, is what we define and make of it. How we define success, or how society defines success, and what it means to just be ourselves. How the writer pokes fun at the irony of how society functions in putting up fronts- when these fronts can be even more dirty than people who seem dysfunctional outright. Or how the most dysfunctional people could actually be more human, than those who put up a front and do not admit that they are also dysfunctional in the same way on the inside.
But it was all brought together with many humourous parodies/ironies/actions etc. ;) And yup, maybe life is like that- we shdn't take things too seriously and accept that there will always be imperfections.

A pastor said that self-righteousness is worse than un-righteousness. I find that so true. And so very profound. And so what if I have a semblance of perfection on the outside? On the inside we are all messed up people in need of our saviour. We can't do things on our own.

I had an enjoyable day today, met HY for lunch at Tanjong Katong for clayfish horfun at a coffeeshop. Cheap and yummy! I got myself a dinosaur too. We went to parkway, I ran my errands and she went to gym. I sat down at Burger King and read C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity for a bit (very good and philosophical book). And very very spontaneously, we decided to have dinner with her cousin and brother at night, and then catch Little Miss Sunshine.

I would have wanted to catch the 715 show, and not the 935 one, if not that she felt it was too rushed. We ended up having quite a cosy time, the 4 of us. Was telling her how I miss group settings so much. ;) Got home at 12ish am...yay. Finally a break from my usual sat and sun routines....and I felt so happy today. :) I learn to take things less seriously amidst the imperfection.

Set me Free....

NATAs fair is this week! Want to much to go traveling...vast skies and blue open lakes......
When, O when, O Lord?

Project initiated by a small group from my Youth Expetition Program group to Mizhi Village (Yunnan). If u are keen to sponsor a child thru education there! ;)
http://www.projhatch.com

Papa Samuel Doctorian came over to Capital Tower yesterday during lunch time to share. There were abt 30 people there. It was really a privilege to be so up close and personal with him. He is so full of the joy of the Lord, it was as if God was so real & close to him, that he just carried God wherever he went, and whatever that he spoke. ;) Really an elderly man in his 70s, bursting with joy in the Lord. It's so encouraging and inspiring to see him. And I wish tat I could have the joy too. That I may learn to fix my eyes on Christ and I may truly let go of my burdens and simply trust in Him.

What did I think about 1 and 3/4 years ago?

I stumbled upon this article I had written for a friend in 2004, after my YEP trip to Yunnan. It was really one of the most fantastic times that I had. ;) Will be submitting this article on the company intranet too! Think it will tie nicely with the Philippines project.
I don't remember much of myself in the past, maybe it is because I ruminate too much on my failures and shortcomings. But reading this, a flood of lovely memories came up again. And yup, we can never change the core of our beings. I didn't realise that all along I had these feelings already for the poor & for a simple life. Perhaps they were never properly brought out of defined. :) So glad to rediscover myself over and over again.

Happy reading!

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I went on a Youth Expedition Program to Yunnan, Mizhi Village from the 1st December to 18th December 2004. I was really blessed by the experience in the village. We received more than whatever we gave. We went to the village with two aims, to refurbish the youth centre, and secondly, to set up the infrastructure for their youth club.

I took part in this program because I wanted to experience life in a rural village, which was different from searching on the internet. I also have a special passion for China. My family went to China on holiday several times, but each time, it was with a tour group. That kind of touch and go experience merely gave me a vague idea of China.

There were several first things that we experienced in the village. When we reached the place, crowds of students in the basketball courts stopped to look at us. Due to the long journey, many of us had to visit the toilet. The toilet consists of about 10 holes and there were no cubicles. There was no flushing system and the excretions remained below the hole. Every morning, the students took turns to use a water hose to wash away the excretions at the bottom into a drainage system. I almost felt like vomiting the first time I went into the place. From then on, we brought in air fresheners and tissue whenever we visited the toilet.

We slept in 2 empty classrooms, and there were bed stands in the classrooms. We placed our sleeping bags on it. There were also some comforters we shared and 2 movable heaters. We were still pampered! As the classrooms were located about 5 minutes away from the toilet, each day we had to wear our thick jackets and sweaters before going downstairs to wash up. The heater for the water in the toilet used a solar system. During the winter, the sun hardly came out, but when it did, the sun was scorching hot and drying, and the water was warm. We boiled water which we mixed with the cold water to bathe and to wash up. The water that flowed from the taps was freezing cold. At times we rinsed our mouths with cold water and after washing, our hand were numbed.

No expedition will be complete without an interaction with the people. We interacted with a wide range of people from the children in primary school, to the youths from secondary school those in their 20s. On one occasion, as I was playing board games with 3 girls, they told me in a class of 59, only the top 10 out of 59 could go to high school. The rest were to go back to farm to help their parents. Upon checking this out with other officials, I realised that the quota was lower in the villages because they did not have enough money to send their children to school. Also, there were few high schools in the vicinity to speak of. We went to a primary school and saw many little kids. They had really rosy cheeks. One girl in particular caught my attention. She wore a short sleeved t-shirt and looked really cold. Her skin looked really dry.


I was touched by how warm the people were. Whenever we passed by a house, people would welcome us into their homes. When I visited one of the students’ homes, the grandmother took a handful of sweets and pushed them into my hands. As for the students, they were so appreciative and warm. One student made two lilies for me using origami, and another student gave me a rabbit soft toy that she had kept with her since young.

One of the memories always etched in my mind is this scene. We held a cultural day where we cooked Singaporean food for the students. We had satay, chicken curry, agar agar, chin teng, vegetables and bak kut teh. The food was polished up within minutes of it being displayed. The queue for satay was very long, and one of the students I interacted with had been queuing for about 20 minutes. When it came to her turn, she looked to me, and wanted to pass her satay to me. She remarked, “Sister, I give you my satay, cos you have not had food yet.” I was very touched by her gesture. I cannot imagine a Singaporean Youth doing that.

We had a wonderful time singing and performing for the students. We sang “guan huai fang shi”, “jia” and feliz navidad. It was great. The students also taught us to dance their cultural dances.
One of the nights, we stayed up to look at meteor showers. There were shooting stars, we saw several of them, and I think I saw 13 of them. The stars reminded me of the Abrahamic covenant (Psalms 8:3). Who made the stars but God!!

God loves His people very much. He created each one of us unique and special. The trip created in me a desire to go on a mission trip. To share with people about God’s love.

Many a times, we have fixed notions or prejudices against people, and we assume that people of a certain culture behave in a certain way. These prejudices can be far from the truth. The only way to find out is to go there and experience life. Make no mistake about it, the people in Mizhi are not to be sympathised with. They are rich in their soul and rich in culture, and there are things that they know, that we Singaporeans do not. They are independent, and they learn to treasure and appreciate the fine things of life. They are sufficient and happy. There is also something that links us together. Despite our difference in culture and upbringing, humans when faced with adversity react in the same way. Every one of us are created with dreams and a longing for something greater, until with a God- given purpose in life.

I will miss Mizhi dearly. I seem to want to stay there forever to watch the shooting stars, to walk the streets, to shop in the mama shop, to sing in the youth centre, to dance in the basket ball court, to curl in my sleeping bag, to sing in a group and huddle, to huddle in front of the heater, and to use the stinky toilet. The roads, filled with pigs running, little dogs that bark but don't bite.