The sun will rise again

Year 2011

2011-12-31T01:13:00.001+08:00

It has been a bit hard reflecting on 2011, as it just seemed like a very plain year, like water. Nothing too dramatic happened.
Thinking through about it, i think it is because of this philosophy that i have been following by Elizabeth Eliot 'But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about it, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.'
Unknowingly, many of my emotions have stablised, in learning to first share them with God in prayer.
Yes it has been a year of also knowing God as Father, and i met Him dramatically in Penang.
He also blessed me with Ferris and many signs of green light that amazed me.
But it is not in the dramatic ways that He meets with me. It is in the daily walk with Him that He meets me. It is in the mundane tasks. It is in the daily surrender, the daily walking in His love, and choosing to love when it is hard, and choosing to abide in His word n trust.
Maybe that's why 2011 seemed like a non event..
Before i left GB, i knew that He was showing me stuff.. About my motivations for serving Him. After leaving GB, and not leading a cell grp too, i felt like i was 'lying low'. It is a period of His moulding.
The non eventful year has been much eventful.. Even today as we had our last cg of the year, and i received encouragement from cg members for my testimony sharing at the outreach event, i was encouraged. I am fearful of public speaking, but in spite of that, i know God used my sharing which came fr the heart..
I dont know much abt organising events, but God came through for me in each of the events i organised at work this year..
Various ones encouraged me that they see a courage in me. I am thankful. I pray daily this verse, that His perfect love will cast out all fears. Courage is not the absence of fear, but going ahead in spite of fears..
Yes, onward to 2012, and more divine appointments. All glory to God :)

Being in a relationship

2011-11-20T00:29:00.002+08:00

Reflecting on past relationships, and where i am now with Ferris, it makes me think of a venn diagram. There were aspects of others that i really liked, whether in a r.s. or in a crush. But what Ferris and i share converges in the middle of the venn diagram. I see qualities in him that i liked in others, but somehow the timing, maturity level, or values didn't quite match in other cases. All the heartaches and the pains, sometimes of my own willfulness in refusing to surrender, but yet in all the heartaches, God mended my heart, healed me, and these were precious lessons.
Having been thru these different seasons, not just relationships, but also work and ministry and being ministered to at various junctures, we converge at a point of compatibility.
We caution being presumptuous that we wld eventually marry..we pray so..but I think the lifelong lesson that i learn is God's mighty hand in every season of my life. And i am thankful.
How do we sustain it? In order for our r.s. to grow in intimacy, my relationship with Daddy God must grow too. Otherwise, everything is stunted or will backfire. We need to go back to God as our anchor. We need to be intimate with God. When the relationship becomes so important, our perspectives are blurred. Anything that we are not able to give to God with open palms becomes so important that it chokes us. We say we love someone, but we become possessive. It becomes an idol. Only the daily surrender to God will strengthen our relationship as we look to Him as the centre.
Our worries and concerns for each other become burdens when we forget that each other belongs to God.. But when we have faith, we put our trust in Him that He is able to fix things.
Yes, our God is faithful. :) and this applies in every part of our life. I am trusting Him for my life and for his too.

Whole

2011-11-07T21:46:00.006+08:00

I haven't blogged for a long long time and from August to now, so much has happened!

Just wanted to give thanks in particular for my trip to Lesotho recently to see my kiddo that I have been sponsoring for 5 years.

I also finished a 21 day fast with Ferris. The fast was really good. While we were apart from one another, God showed me stuff about myself, my significance in Him. And affirmed that I was whole in Him. The break from each other helped me to give Ferris to God with open hands. And even now, as we finish the fast, it is just the beginning of a long journey towards knowing one another better, pointing each other to know God better.

There is so much to learn. Thankful for the way He has led and will continue to lead. :)

Wrote some notes in FB on trip with photos
http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=268747623170239

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?sk=notes#!/note.php?note_id=268839179827750

Maybe nowadays i don't find writing long blog posts that necessary. Have been writing more in my physical journals..like letters to Father, praying to Him deep thoughts. And thankful for the cell grp and friends to share my life with.

Life and all it's worth

2011-08-22T22:58:00.000+08:00

In 2 days time, I would be 29. Unlike previous birthdays, as the day approaches this time, I feel slightly melancholic and a little sad. 28 sounds young adult, and 29 feels adult.

How i feel about it.. Is a bit hard to capture here. At this age, though not terribly old, there are lessons that i have learnt about life. Life and all it's worth.. Each year we grow wiser, but this year just seems like a stop and take stock year. I have learnt many things, and in spite of that, i find that when given a choice, i sometimes do what i said i would not do again. Maybe it is that rebellious streak in me that wants to try, bcos this time God, it would be different. You would think that this time you would be wiser, but the same emotions surges up in your heart. And then comes the if only i hadn't. Yet if i hadn't, would i have learnt these lessons? Have i learnt these lessons?

Went to the New Charis Mission 5th anniversary, and Pastor Don was as inspiring as ever. That Christ came to set the prisoners free was never better exemplified than at that joyous ocassion where hearts were made new, and set free to worship God. At the dinner, Pastor Kong Hee (who i realise i missed his practical sermons tat helped to break down the gospel) said without a vision, the people will always go back to the past. It is true. The israelites made rounds and rounds ard the desert. Maybe cos, the vision was jus not clear enough for them, disbelief and fear had set them back.

Free falling with God, fixing my eyes on Him, just opening my heart to dream with Him, my heart will cry/weep and beat with joy, the joy of His loving heartbeat. And then all over, that wrestling with Him to take control n to settle for something else that seems so comforting.

May my life ... Once yelded to u... Once it has tasted of Your goodness... Be shaped by You so that You may finish the work that You have started in me. The one life that is so fragile, that could go off anytime. It is yours... Despite all its starts and stops.. I know U will never let it go. And, make my heart Your santuary, i pray.. That i think, will keep me going even when i divert from Yr calling, as long as You are in my heart, i will never go far from Yr calling for me. Amen and amen

Rethinking norms

2011-07-24T00:53:00.001+08:00

I thought i had come to a point whereby social entreprenurship is a too saturated part of my life. But hosting Thorkil Sonne last week for work gave me new perspectives about inclusion and questioning of norms. A few of the things he mentioned struck me, in particular, that the disabled, people with autism should not be mainstreamed, they should be accomodated. Who is the one defines what is normal n mainstream anyway? We chuck a portion of society as incapable when they are just people who are different with special talents.
The visit to Pathlight Sch was in particular a highlight for me. We visited a shop selling products deigned by the kids. Many of the kids are very talented in design and drawing, putting in the detailed lines and boxes into their drawing. I teared looking at intrinsic drawing of the urban landscape by one talented youth.
Thorkil hires the high functioning autistic as software testers cos they like structures, and can do repetitive tasks very well. In the same way, at Pathlight, the students are give detailed steps to follow.
Actually, i think discrimination and attitudes are very subtle. I don't realise it, but yes i do categorise people. Some people may not be so communicative and hence i strike them off. But have i stopped to look at them in the eye? They are people with talents undiscovered.
Maybe, the rejection of others stems from a rejection of self. What i mean is, if we are secure with ourselves, then when others don't respond in a friendly way, would we then be more comfortable to be patient? Do we reject them first before we feel rejected?
Anyway... I enjoyed time with Thorkil.. Just like i did back in 2004 and 2005 organising the NUS Social Entrepreneurship forums. It brings back lovely memories. It stirs up my passion on the inside.. Seeking for social change and inclusivity.. Addressing social injustice. And it is nice to reconnect with that urban setting, having been looking so much at the rural areas for the past few years.

The night walk alone

2011-05-07T00:45:00.000+08:00

Took a walk home to my hse. The night always seems to bring much clarity. The night walk alone.. Makes me feel courageous and touched at the same time. After all the noise n busyness, we are each our own, individuals, uniquely created with our passions, delights, joys, quirks. We become more likeable as we become more like ourselves each day. We become acceptable not when we try to be other people. It's only when we can know ourselves that we love ourselves n learn to love others who are different from us. It is when we gain acceptance of ourselves that we become acceptable to others. These statements need to be read with qualifiers. :)

Be like the fountain that overflows

2011-05-02T14:40:00.003+08:00

I really haven't been blogging for some time... Felt a bit inspired by a couple of things here and there, but just did not get down to writing.

Today is a public holiday and I am spending the whole day at home, save for a possible trip I may make to the beach in a short while.

For one, I'm thankful for the cell group that I've attended since Jan this year. It's a new group that started this year, and somehow, we are just able to mix with one another, and have been spending a lot of time together. Last night we went for KTV, and then had icecream at Udders until 1am. I feel young again. :D It's not only a cg that spends time together, but it's a group of people that encourages one another and also reaches out to each other's friends. It was inspiring sending off one of the cg friend to the airport for his flight which was at 5am.

I just finished a book titled "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho, the book seeks to define madness, i.e. everyone of us in "mad" in our own ways. And the "mad" are actually being more real in being themselves, versus following social norms. I liked this quote: "Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains".
Maybe, this is one of the reasons I have stopped blogging so regularly, because I am trying to contain myself in a cistern, which unknowingly makes me feel depressed.
I want to be like the fountain that overflows. And I am thankful for a community to live out a real life with Jesus. A real radical life with Jesus.
I somehow still feel that there will still be something lacking though. Till His Kingdom really comes.
There's no more water to flow out, if there is no rest and refilling in Jesus.

I want to sit down at the beach and ask God abt the things I should be lacking go. And the things I should still hold on to. The responsibilities I shouldn't be taking on, and the things that seem crazy but He wants me to do. :D Work has been busy..and long hours. My tired bones are cracking and the fine lines under my eyes are growing.

Ageing..and this year marks the year I turn 29. I had always thought I would be married by 28 years old. It feels strange. Like I am now of a more matured age, taking on more responsibilities. I sometimes feel like I am living someone else's life.
I would be lying if I say this is not of a concern to me. Yet I know that being married doesn't make one feel less lonely, but it does seem like you would have someone to share your life with.
The pros are ofcos that I have much more mobility to travel and run around :) And more time for myself.
Thankful for a community in the CG. The counter to loneliness is the deep friendships and community. Having real friends and not superficial ones. And yes I am thankful that I have such friends.

I love Indonesia. . .

2011-03-19T21:53:00.003+08:00

I just got back from Indonesia today about 5pm. And I really enjoyed my interaction with the people there. The people I met totally changed my earlier conclusions and assumptions of the Indonesians. :D The people I met were friendly, service oriented, responsible, and went the extra mile for me/us. Thankful that the whole event went well. It has been stressful for the past month especially into the last two weeks as I stayed in the office till 9plus and 10 on some days!

Thanks for all your prayers! And it has been amazing how God is leading me in different areas..

K.O.

2011-03-04T20:51:00.004+08:00

I fell ill the evening I came back from Cambodia, felt bloated and giddy before I slept, and I vomitted almost all the food I ate on the plane in the middle of the night. The next day, I slept almost the whole day, and only woke up in spurts to finish up some work. Everytime I ate or drank, I vomitted. I felt so weak and incapacitated. Thank God that I am feeling better today! It reminds me of some time last year when I came back with food poisoning from Cambodia too! My tummy seems pretty sensitive.

I went to Siem Reap with a group of volunteers who are studying MBA in Singapore, and they are from different continents, including Europe, Asia, America. It was fun and interesting interacting with them, and learning from different cultures definitely. Told my colleague I like Europeans cos they hug a lot! I have gained much from hugging and affection. Asians are recticient, but you could say they think deeply before they express their emotions. I felt sad the night I was leaving Siem Reap, and the next day for Phnom Penh. Felt sad to say goodbye to the friendships built. SR gave me a very different feeling, because of its touristy nature, and most people could speak English. People came across as more open and friendly.

I arrived at Phnom Penh on Tuesday morning, and I was supposed to meet the driver at the airport. I waited and didn't see the driver. But there was a smartly dressed cambodian who approached me and asked if I needed help. He offered to lend me his phone. After using it for 2 phone calls, he said, "Excuse me, can you give me money? I have no money." I was sad, not because I didn't want to give him money, but because I had thought that this young man was here to help me, and I was sad that he had to ask for money this way. I took a taxi and reached the hotel, which was new to me as well.

I caught a glimpse of life as a missionary. Ofcos a missionary would go with certain organizations. But a missionary feels lonely.. feels discouraged on the field, when he meets with people he wants to help, but the people he wants to help try to take advantage of him. I had time alone staying in a single room for the few nights. And going to the villages reminds me of my previous work with GB.
I think it happens, that one starts to question his faith. Because he is surrounded by people of different faiths. And when one sees how unreached it is, one wonders if his faith is real.
In fact, many of the Europeans come from Catholic backgrounds, but religion has become a very minute part of their lives, and they tell me that it is not relevant as the world develops. Interesting that it is now a reverse evangelism, whereby asians are catching the fire, and the European churches are getting empty.

It was very nice that my ex colleagues helped me to arrange transport and they came to the hotel to meet with me. I was very touched to see them amidst the cold reception I had at the airport. It also dawned upon me that as a single person at the airport in a place like Phnom Penh, it was scary, and that I had always been privileged previously to have colleagues to arrange transport and lodgings for me.

I met up with some of our alumni for dinner, and they were all young professionals. It was a very different side of Cambodia that I met up with. I asked them about their view of poverty. 2 of them came from the province and said that it was up to the individual to make full use of his opportunities as they came. We talked about the governments, the people etc. I was heartened. In a way yes. Young Cambodians arise and contribute to their own economy.

I'm thankful for friends who sms and pray for me when I fell ill. "Friends" used to be used very loosely, but now "friends" means something deeper to me. . . That they could take my idiosyncracies. My mum sang chinese christian songs to me and cooked porridge for me.

Watching TV now..and there are two things that I caught..
First one - female protagonist says that, as long as you treat people with sincerity, they would also one day know your heart and reciprocrate
Second one - male protagonist encourages female protagonist - that she has too high expectations of herself, as long as she relaxes, she will be able to do well...

This is a pretty long post after a long time! I guess it is because...I feel like a broken recorder saying the same things all over, and I don't know if anyone still reads this. :) Do say hi if you are....

Greetings from Siem Reap..

2011-02-26T23:38:00.002+08:00

It has been some time since I wrote.. cos I am also not sure what to write about! Guess I have pretty much written most of the stuff I ever wanted to write for now..

I am now at some quaint looking hotel at Siem Reap, with some volunteers of our projects in Cambodia. Had some Khmer food.. Siem Reap feels different from Phnom Penh, I can't exactly pinpoint what is the difference. I think Siem Reap feels more touristy... And Phnom Penh feels cosy. Maybe cos of all the friends and ex colleagues I have there and the projects that I know of.

Landing at Cambodia, and last Monday visiting Jakarta leads me to think about my experience in the past. I am kinda made to confront the past, even in sharing and speaking with volunteers about NGO work, the flips sides of aid and voluntary trips. And today we even talked about social responsible investing/funds, venture philatrophy etc. Guess it is all so ingrained in me.

I feel "emo".... Allowing my heart to settle down...amidst all the rushing here and there with various projects.

What's next? I don't know.. except to fulfil my present season well.

Curious about life beyond our island?

2011-01-16T19:24:00.001+08:00

I guess along the years, I slowly built up an interest in people. The change in perspectives was most stark after i became a christian, as something fundamental about christianity is not only to love God, but it is also to love your neighbours as yourself. I weave my life around these two principles.
A curiosity about people - what they think, how they think and WHY they think, in certain manners. In a group, I like inclusivity where everyone gets heard. I dislike stereotypes (easier said than done!). A curiosity, also because I like to try new things including food, visiting new places etc.
Second, the love for people necessarily leads to the interest in people. God's outflowing of love inevitably pours out thru us as christians, who are conduits of His love.

Whereas it was not so clear at the start, later as my horizons increased with meeting different nationalities, traveling to different places and reading books on different countries, meeting new people took on a different dimension. I find that it is quite difficult not to be fascinated by people from different cultures and lifestyles. Sometimes, Singapore feels like a comfortable bubble. Some say it is a comfortable construct, whereas 80 percent of the world lives much differently (which includes people in the villages, farmlands etc. ). I think we shd stop complaining abt Singapore, it is really one of the safest, cleanest places in the world. Working in SIF helped me discover all the integrated cool policies ranging from water policies of resevoirs and newater to sustainable urban housing to green cities..
We are nothing short of blessed.

But yet we cannot stay in a comfortable bubble or vacuum, because the world is larger than our island. 1 billion people live on less than 1USD a day. Poverty issues aside, the richness of cultures from different countries, including songs, writings, history, heritages, and mixing with them enriches us.

I am hence nothing short of a global vision, beyond the sunny island that is comfortable to stay in. I love meeting the chinese, the indonesians, the europeans, the americans etc etc.. And hopefully i can meet africans and south americans too! That would be most interesting. We can't help but meet internationals i guess, because 1.5 million people in singapore are foreigners. I hope we extend our hearts wide without prejudice to learn fr each other.

Memories

2010-12-26T20:42:00.003+08:00

Nature has a way of helping us cope with difficult situations - the defence mechanism of "forgetting" or "repression".

This post is long overdued, and I guess it was because I was derailed by other stuff around the last few weeks of my work at my previous job. And now with greater clarity, I think the other stuff has affected me much more because there were all sorts of emotions that unconsciously were suppressed due to my job change.

Yes job change felt a bit like 2006, when I stepped down from being a CGL. The same kind of emotions invested in a ministry, the calling I had heard from God to go forth and step up, the same kind of sadness in leaving, the same feelings of loss, the same heart that continues to beat for the people I serve, and the same kind of weariness that comes with it.

It is indeed just a thin line between being jaded/bitter and becoming stronger. Each experience either leads you towards learning new things, or it leads you towards bitterness. The heart is the well-spring of life.

It is learning to trust, to let go, and to know that God has a season for everything.

In choosing my options after my previous job, one of the options was to go on to the Discipleship Training School at YWAM. I chose my current job instead, good exposure and organization and international work. A stepping stone, I believe, to what lies ahead.

The past few months I have been derailed...or rather...I have been distracted. And it has been good..actually.. I believe it is part of the process that I need to go through, that process of surrender, and of knowing God's grace. Which is even difficult to explain here.

I guess the distraction was more painful, because I am/was unwilling to face up to my pain of loss from my previous job, and it kind of added on to it. Sigh. I love the ministry with all my heart. To love at all, is to be vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis puts it. Pastor Edmund Chan says, people think that leadership gets easier with time, but it doesn't, it only gets harder. That's why leaders need to persevere.

My current job has been interesting, and its a whole new world. In terms of meaningfulness, it can no way measure up to my previous job of helping women and children, and the looking forward of trips to developing countries. And yes I must pray. Pray and ask how and where He is leading me.

Christmas wind down..

2010-12-23T17:34:00.003+08:00

The Christmas season makes one feel abit dreary cos the weather is cold. And winter seems to mark the end of many things. Plants stop growing in winter, animals hibernate. And yes, it is a month of farewells.
Its not always so dreary as it comes with the festive moods, the gatherings, the hymms, singing etc. Maybe a better word would be "reflective".

Fell ill and on MC today. Went into office in the morning to send out a paper. And now I am back at home! Felt better and decided to work a bit on my report. This year end, work doesn't seem to wind down! But there is still a lot of activities on-going. My body is protesting...I haven't managed to go to the gym this week! :X

But with rest, comes energy to walk the next year. With death, comes life. With farewells, comes hello to new things.

Farewell 2010.......soon...counting down.. it has been a challenging year, and a year to remember.. its a significant year whereby I understand God never lets me go. :)

The stump

2010-12-08T22:53:00.002+08:00

I simply love it how CS Lewis puts in his book this part in 'A grief observed':
"Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another... If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one- legged man... His whole way of life will be changed."

Perhaps, thats what i meant abt the uniqueness of an individual, a friend or person who has been part of yr life, and his/her leaving and other people coming in doesn't constitute a replacement. U have lost a leg.

Could it be an operation for appendicitis that feels like a leg has been lost? Afterall, may be it isn't that great a lost- when the brain becomes clear and sanity is restored.

Or could our good God cause the leg to regrow again and make it completely whole? What really is the complete healing that He brings? Would the heart that has been broken be completely whole again?

No answers for that.. Or could the hole in the heart be replaced by someone else? Maybe, that doesn't solve the fundamental problem of the heart that has a hole.

-------
just back from a networking dinner of sorts. Have been going to quite a few of these. ") its fun in a way, but humm... Kind of tiring too with back to back events going on. . Feeling peacefully melancholic. I think its the beer.. I want a good sleep and a good hug

Dec is here!

2010-12-03T23:57:00.000+08:00

The cold season is here. It has been drizzling or raining, with cool winds blowing and i love it! Had a chance to visit Shanghai on a short work trip, and it just feel nice walking down the roads with a 15 degrees temperature. The autumn leaves always make me feel very melancholic romantic.
Thankful for good exposure at work. It has been interesting, but also challenging with back to back events. Challenges my weaknesses at times.
Different things seem to demand my attention. I still like the quiet reading of a book in the still of the night. Managed to finish CS Lewis's A grief observed and Henri Nouwen's Turn my mourning into dancing. Both are v heartfelt books addressing heart issues. And i was grateful for the quiet comfort that they gave me nightly.
Not that im going thru v dire circumstances, but after a really busy packed day of going home like 8plus or 10plus, it helps to unwind and reflect. Sometimes there's a sudden terror in the night that hits me, or while i am waiting when im on the train, that sudden feeling of inadequacy, of not knowing whats ahead. Its a scary scary feeling of lost. Like u dont know what to anchor in, and everything is so fleeting.
Visit to pam and ben's little babe was nice, seeing the small little one in my arm so vulnerable and intricate, made me feel that God is the beautiful maker who holds my life in His hands and i am grateful. ")

alright this has been pretty random stuff. But yay, dec is here. My fave mth of giving, loving. The mth of Jesus's birth!

The juxtaposition of rich and poor...glitz and blipz

2010-11-12T23:21:00.003+08:00

7 Nov:
We are about the same age. I stay in the terrace house, he constructs the condo down the streets and stays in the workers domitory. There's nothing that I earned that caused the disparity. He was born in Bangladesh where he stays in a village with not many job opportunities. And I was born in Singapore into a responsible family and a nation with equal job opportunities. Can I not then look him in the eye as an equal?

12 Nov:
Sitting in a cab post work dinner event, home. Down Orchard Road. Glitz and Blitz along the road...Big malls with shiny silvery lights. And down the ECP, passing the lovely condos along the river...
I like the high life. I like the city.....Its a nice quiet night..

And I am so blessed. I have so much.
And I have so little.

Relationships vs task

2010-10-31T20:54:00.005+08:00

It was a really busy week for me, working until 8plus or 9plus daily, and having a night event on Saturday. I was pleasantly blessed and surprised that my colleagues all extended a hand to help me. And stayed back with me to complete some tasks. It is certainly different from my task oriented outlook, i.e. quickly complete it, even if it is to do it solo.

This morning, I really crawled out of my bed, and didn't feel like I had slept... at 525am. I was going to run the Great Eastern 10km run!
This was the beginning of my mama drama day. I was already running on a tight time, and as I sat down on the bench waiting for the MRT to come, I smsed my friend I was gonna be late. I started tying my shoe laces with the tracking device too. The lady next to me started chatting and asking if I was running the race. We chatted and walked into the MRT..
By the time I reached Paya Lebar MRT, I realised to my horror that my hp was not with me!! The lady offered to let me call my hp, it rang! I knew I would be late if I headed back, but I decided to anyway. The MRT back to Tanah Merah was an extremely long one.. felt like it anyway. The phone was not there anymore! No one left anything at the control station.

I decided to still go for the run even though I was horribly late. I reached esplanade MRT at 720am (7am was the flag off time), and to my surprise, I saw my friend YX still standing there waiting for me! On her face was not a look of impatience, she was worried and asked me what happened. She lent me her phone and everything....And we decided to run the 5km race instead of the 10km. boo! But I was touched cos I think I would have gone for the run first if the roles were reversed. Fr YX I learnt she valued friendships more than any run or experience... Which.....me being very task driven, might have chosen the task instead.

Went back home and tried to lock my phone etc. so the person couldn't use it, but to no avail. Went to church and after svc, I met J, who quickly offered to lend me her hp (which I am using now). Its a sony ericson phone which is quite functional.

Went for a missions talk, and then got a ride from D. We ate waffles and drank bubble tea which helped to cheer me up a little. Got a ride to tampines to get a new SIM card and a ride home. :)
The Singtel person said phone will take 1-3 days to activate. I was horrified. I felt handicapped without my phone.

I got home, charged the functional phone. And decided to try it after abt 1 hour. The SIM card was already activated!! YAHOO!! I am no longer feeling handicapped.

And my dad said his plan is due for renewal, and I can use his plan...and take the new hp for myself........ He himself is using my old nokia phone...

And this whole experience makes me realise:
- I am surrounded by great friends and lovely people
- God provides in the most dire circumstances (link to point 3)
- Losing a handphone (yes even though it is 4 mths old smart phone) doesn't make a disaster. It is not really a dire circumstance
- Letting go of photos, messages and some memories that were important to me.... stored in the phone..... Is hard.. But may be for my own good... Everything that I hold....with open hands to God

Praying for whoever that found the hp to return it to the MRT station control today. I shall ask again tmr. I pray for him/ her to turn from his/her wicked ways!! And repent! Who is he/she? Is he/she in such dire need?

P/s the tenses in this blog are all over the place... pardon me...who slept 4.5 hrs last night.. x.x

What it would take to Love again?

2010-10-22T23:56:00.002+08:00

Im not quite sure how people view me. Some think im loud, friendly. Some think im quiet. Is it important how others view me? I guess over the years ive become more chatty and friendly. But actually deep inside im quite a private person. I cant do without my daily bouts of silence. Alone. Reading, reflecting, journaling and praying. I like sitting at starbucks or mos burger where it is quiet, to read and write. Be by myself. Though i have many friends, there are only few who i really open up my life to share with.

I guess it began when i started helping out in a youth cell grp 8 years or so ago. I used to be this really quiet shy girl in sec sch, who was afraid to speak up. I thank my previous church for its teachings on being empowered, on speaking boldly with confidence. And in a youth cell, its essential to talk more to engage the youths. And so it evolved, as i saw each person as created in the image of God. I began to take an interest in each person.

Maybe, like.. my childhood dream was to be a psychologist or counsellor. And i have the gift of compassion or empathy, or mercy when i listen to people sharing. Recently being able to listen to people again has been a blessing. It takes a great lot to listen and care for others from the heart, because it brings with it pain. It is easier to listen with the brains and process it thru. And sometimes im not sure how much of my heart shd get involved.

So anyway.. Even tho i have many friends, there are those few ones whom i really treasure. And i pour out my love and trust on the few. And i am thankful for their friendship. Friends who believe in me, and vice versa. And i hope i may extend my heart to others again with wisdom, it is difficult after experiencing certain heartaches in the past. Difficult without experiencing the grace of God daily.

What is real?

2010-10-21T22:51:00.000+08:00

We are bombarded with so much information everyday, and we make decisions everyday. Every decision leads us to different decisions, and different routes and so on. Meeting different kind of people and reading different kinds of literature causes u to make different decisions,
What is real? Could what feels good be the decision I should make, and can my emotions be trusted? What if all the ones I trusted tell me something different from my emotions? It seems safer to follow what everyone says rather than rely on my emotions.
Truth is only relative to the bible, which is God's measure of truth. But then, what if my interpretation is different from yours?
And so...every decision makes us who we are today. And i must choose wisely...
It leads me to this question... Who is God really to me, in my life, in the World? That is surely the compass in which I lead my life...

Surprised, because, what I thought I heard from God turned out different. Disappointed, because, the word I thought I would receive from who I trusted turned out different. Lonely, because its hard to share with anyone else if who I trust for guidance isn't on same page as me. This is cryptic, because, to be honest, I don't fully grasp what I am thinking of too. My inner compass is at war with what I see and hear. And i know speaking the truth in Love hurts. But why does the truth seem so much like what I feel rather than what is being said to me?

Its like elementary sch over and over again when i thought that I had already gotten it.....
Grace. Father help...

Going International

2010-10-02T21:43:00.003+08:00

I have started my new job for coming to a month...
Briefly what I do - we make friends for a better world! :) My role is to connect with internationals in Singapore, and since I started I have met international students, working expats in SG, MBA students etc, and also gone to the China Embassy! It has been fun in these sessions, getting to meet different people and finding more about them! Today I went cycling with four of them, and we cycled from Kallang to Esplanade to Clark Quay to Boat Quay to Robertson Quay, along the river and back. We also learnt about the water ways and reservoirs in Singapore, and we picked up some litter along the way. My cycling skills are... so-s0... and I kind of wobbled and fell a bit for a few times along the narrow paths. But overall it was great fun connecting with the different people and experiencing new things. It was great fun cycling for the first time in the city area!

I have decided that..or rather realised that... there is an adventurous streak in me that refuses to live a normal life. Normal is up to us to define, but I guess may be I could say I like to try new things that I have not tried before.

My new work is "atas"/high class, as in its no longer about living or staying in villages and traveling budget airlines. But it is international and great exposure to different people and cultures. I feel like meeting and connecting with people without a economic agenda is very fun. I feel completely in my element.

Do I forget the sights, smells of the people in the past. No.
I learn to be content in much and in little. And I hope it is a process of growth.

Yesterday night was strange, on the MRT, 2 ladies tapped me on the shoulder and asked me what time was the last MRT. I said I didn't know but we started chatting and they are from Malaysia! :D It was interesting knowing about them and they were so friendly.

So yes, I guess I am going international!! And someday maybe.. I will marry a.... International! :) The chances of living an adventurous life is higher isn't it? And the chances of jetsetting into foreign land. I love Singapore for its safety, its melting pot culture etc ( now in my new job I think a lot abt SG and what is unique about us). But its like there is a great big world out there and its exciting! =)

Personal Fulfilment

2010-09-25T22:29:00.003+08:00

I'm starting to get really busy with..
Work..
Business.. (dothingsdifferent.com)
GB (yes I am still a volunteer with community development)
Church (missions committee)

I don't find my worth in my work. But work and voluntary stuff are fulfilling. I'm thankful. In terms of career and personal development, I don't know if I would want to be in any other situation than I am now.
I am happy =D

We are joyful when we think of the things we have in gratefulness. We are sad when we think we should have certain things but have not.
But lets focus on what we have and give thanks.

Bringing our Longings to Him (2)

2010-09-25T22:27:00.001+08:00

When someone breaks up, u always find people say as words of comfort - its okay, you will find someone better. But it is not about finding someone else, but the lost of this very someone who matters to you. Not a matter of replacement or that you will be comforted with someone else, but a matter of lost as to whatever had existed between you and the person who was once special to you. And it's not about finding someone better, because incompatibility between two persons doesn't make either person less than who he is, it merely means a difference between two people in their make up, and a wrong timing in which the two had met. And so yes, let there be sadness at the lost, and anticipation that one day you would meetthe person who wld be the right one at the right time

Bringing our Longings to Him

2010-09-24T10:54:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I wished that you were here. But I wonder if wishing for you to be here, is really a yearning for all that you represent.
And yes, our unfulfilled longings and desires, will one day be met in Heaven when we meet our Heavenly Father.
I’ve realized that love is not possession, but the daily patient prayer for the one you love, even if he/she doesn’t know that you are praying for him/her, that may be the ultimate level of love. And in those times, to give of our yearnings to Him. Talking, negotiating, interceding, questioning etc. , whatever, and He understands. :)

That too will pass

2010-09-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Though the sorrows may be too deep in present time to comprehend, that too would pass. Pain in retrospect always appears milder. And we, who are beings of eternity, suffer pain for that temporal moment, which marks a small little dot of time. One day, we would be free, when we meet our God and He wipes away every tear. When we contemplate the bigness of God and the earth, for that moment, our sorrows are gone. And yet, the big sovereign God would care to love us, each minute detail of our lives. Yes we are precious. And our eyes look up to You in our toughest times.

A Happy Place

2010-09-07T21:35:00.005+08:00

Life has kind of taken on a comfortable pace. Today is my 5th day of work. And since day 1, I have been looking forward to work daily. My workplace is nice, with my own laptop, a cosy work station, nice colleagues, interesting job scope. I'm happy. Time seems to fly at work, going for meetings, drafting proposals, brainstorming ideas, reading up articles etc. I'm happy.
Happy happy... In the midst of that feeling a bit tired.
Went for the GB Officers Retreat over the weekend. It was the first time I appeared at a GB event as a volunteer and it was announced over the mike cos all the staff received some token of appreciation. I was announced as ex staff. For that moment I felt a bit sad. And later many came up to me to ask me what I'm doing now, and someone asked if I was interested to take on a job at vietnam with her church! :D Heh. Cool.. I had to do some presentation at a workshop with my ex boss, and it was pretty last minute rush!

Im just rambling..heh...to get things off my head..

I have started a business with 2 great peeps, www.dothingsdifferent.com . It feels great to tell people that! The idea is to share people, places and pdts that are different- Social and environmental angles. We are in the midst of revamping the website...Do buy stuff from there if u are interested!

So in the midst of business, GB as a volunteer, new work... I feel like my career wise seems to be quite good. :D Its a happie happie place to be in.

Im feeling grateful..

I did a quiz on my spiritual giftings at the retreat, and mine were exhortation, faith and mercy. I am praying for quite a few things, and I think it is this gift of faith that has seen me thru many seasons. I supposedly have this gift of faith only because God has been so faithful in different seasons of my life, i.e. after angsting for so many mths, finally a job with a good fit (much much better than a civil svc job). And I'm continuing to believe Him for other things in my life that seem impossible, but only with faith is possible.

Oh yes, I finished this book "The Shack", and I was blessed beyond measure reading it. It made me cry a lot to realise how near Father God is, and how much He loves mankind. And that God was /is there with the kids in the dumpsite - i realise...because of the way God was described in the book. He is Love and Light. All that is good is in Him. We worry because we don't trust He is good. There's a line in the book that has God speaking something like this to the protagonist- have u realised in all your worries abt the future, I am not in them? Wow. I will share more again!

Mr. Grey

2010-08-26T12:39:00.003+08:00

I used to think of things in very Black and White terms. Either you love or you don't, either you are right or you are wrong. Either its a yes or a no.

In recent years, Mr. Grey started to appear in my dictionary.
The ability to take on uncertainty is precious. Waiting is precious. The process is important. Because we don't always get what we desire at one time.

But that ability to Hope, to keep Believing and trusting. That is precious.

And the insights that Mr. Grey brings to your life, when you start to see things from others perspectives and stop being dogmatic about your own. When life has no certainty, it is also a life of adventure.

So just let go and fly.

Loving with all your heart

2010-08-25T09:46:00.002+08:00

This hasn't been an easy week because it is a week of grieving over the loss of things that are important to me.
Just one of the things is that Friday is my last day in the office. Packing up, documenting papers, filing etc, brings back loads of memories. I have given of my time, emotions, heart to it.
(Grieving sounds badly serious, but grieve and let go was the best statement I ever heard from someone, and I believe grieving is the whole process of reconciling one's loss)

While talking to a friend on MSN about relationships, I thought of a quote I had read in C.S. Lewis's "Four Loves" before. I read it last year when I was contemplating on r/s, and nursing a broken heart. I found this entry in my blog which is very apt.

C.S. Lewis says
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this is the way in which they should break, so be it."

I don't know which other way to love, except to give fully of my heart.

In the same entry, I wrote this other quote that I had gathered from the book and really liked- it is the "smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy."
What the book was saying, was that the early christian writers, like the dessert fathers, or even Augustus, said that we should have no other loves than God. As in, the general idea is always that other loves - e.g. worldly cares, need to be taken away. But C.S. Lewis is saying, it is not about us trying to love man less, the problem is when we love God too little.

Yesterday was my birthday, and whilst walking to the bus stop, I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful. :) Maybe the rainbow was God's gift for me, cos none of the other passerbys stopped like me, to take a photo using my phone. And then I remembered God's covenant with me. He is faithful in spite of all the ups and downs. He has led me through 2 years and 4 months in my work here, held my hand thru different circumstances, and holds my heart in His mighty hand. The Greatness of God's love, or our love for God, helps us to love others with fullness of His love. It is impossible for me to emotionally shutdown to people I love even if they have hurt me deeply. But it is possible to give these hurts to God, and continue to love through His grace.

lessons i have learnt: on love

2010-08-19T22:33:00.007+08:00

1. To love I must first know who I am, be true to myself, my interests, my passions, my purpose. That is when I am in a position of security, because I know who I am on the inside.

2. To love places one in a position of vulnerability. It requires faith to love and to give of oneself. Jesus was in a position of vulnerability. He emptied of Himself. He loved us even before we loved Him. This is linked to point one. That is why we need to be secure in who we are before we can fully love and give of ourselves.

Who Am I?

2010-07-31T22:39:00.003+08:00

It's a quiet contemplative saturday, and there are many things heavy on my mind.

After a long struggle of 6 mths, I finally tendered my resignation two weeks ago. God has opened new doors for me to work in a more corporate environment, though still a non profit. It was a great big struggle thinking abt the women, the children in the third world. My new job has an international exposure but relates mainly with the developed nations. But I think it would be great exposure and learning for me. =D My last day wld be on the 27 Aug, and my first day at my new job wld be on 1 sept.

I think I would probably have more thots as I go along, but mainly the past few mths has been a lot of identity crisis. Thinking abt who I am, what I like, what I am called to do, how God has created me, vs who people think I am, societal pressures...and making sense of which was which. There were many voices each calling out their own.

Did I betray myself in my choice of career? Betray the calling for the poor? I ask myself this ques again and again..whether I am compromising for a more comfortable place. I ask myself the same ques thinking abt my relationships with people...the things I love, the people I love. And then ultimately it came to my heart. I need to have a heart of integrity that honours God and is true to myself. ;] And so this is the question of identity.

I have come to realise that Christianity is not abt a set of rights and wrongs, rules and regulations, but being led by the Spirit. There is a great liberty that God gives to us....walking in r/s with Him.

Pray that I wld continue to know who I am in Him! =)

Loving means being vulnerable

2010-07-28T14:58:00.001+08:00

If you know it is going to hurt, would you still love?

If you know it means being vulnerable, would you still love?

Our prodigal (lavishly abundant) God did.

These days, the quote by C.S. Lewis keeps popping up in my mind:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Often we ask people to guard their hearts, but how do you guard your heart when it comes to loving?
Whether it is loving someone, loving a ministry, loving people you minister to etc. To love, brings you to a place of vulnerability. A possibility of being hurt & disappointed, as you open up your heart to someone and something. Maybe, loving with such abundance, is how our Father loved too? On the cross...whereby Jesus was in a position of vulnerability, because God loved the world so much that He gave His only son.

How then do we love? I think we can only do it with the Father's help.

The Simple Joys of Being

2010-07-10T21:55:00.008+08:00

When I told my co-worker who is based in Cambodia that I had a heart for China, she said- u must have heard the wrong "C", the correct "C" should be Cambodia!

I didn't realise that working in GB or traveling to developing countries has given me such a low expectation of hotels and food. HY kept telling me her verse for me was "godliness with contentment is great gain". It really hadn't occurred to me how adaptable I had become in staying in low costs hotels and I have adapted to just having a roof over my head. (Though I haven't been to something really bad...like staying inside a slum house or...). I still like and enjoy the good life of course, and am experiencing in my comfortable home in Singapore daily.

The hotels in my recent China trip were of much more higher standard than I expected! There were hairdryers, toiletries, and they were clean. One even had rain showers.

The mountains reminded me of the Chengdu trip to the outskirts 2 years ago. The view was amazing. Maybe after running around so much, God just wanted me to be still and take stock of all He had brought me through. Huangshan appears to be a little more rocky, whereas Chengdu mountains were green.

I went to Shanghai and I am amazed by the tremendous development of the city. The skyscrappers, the long bridge, the night scene by the bund with golden litted buildings along it.

Its like nice beautiful scenes that we have along esplanade, and in a way more beautiful. It gives my heart a nice uplifting feeling. But these didn't cut through my heart.. Not like the mountains, the lakes, the rivers.

And as I reflect, why and when did China start meaning something to me? I think it was when I went to Yunnan for YEP. Then Sichuan. The mountains came together as a package with the kids with ruddy cheeks, sitting in cosy small huts/houses along fireplaces. The simple joy of Being.

And yes it was the same in Padang sitting in the house in a village, whereby blackout suddenly occured, and we were sitting in the living room drinking tea and chatting because there never was any TV there.

It was the same drinking Avocado juice in small cafes in Indonesia, that quaintness. And yes maybe some of that was found in Cambodia too, in those small cafes.
And how about the hawker centre at Penang. Penang Laksa and curry mee..and chats with loving people.

We went to the Shanghai expo, and I just couldn't "feel" it in Singapore booth, it was a nice architecture, but it felt cold, with a video showcasing how SG had moved from third world to first world.
Next to Indo booth and I felt the culture and diversity the land had. Next to Cambodia booth, though there was nothing much, sitting there sipping mango juice and laughing loudly was... Heavenly.

So since when did I develop a love for Cambodia and Indonesia I wonder?
And then I realise maybe it was never really about China.
It has all along been that simple joy of being that captured my heart.

A review

2010-07-08T22:55:00.000+08:00

It became all apparent, as I was making my way home, on a very quiet night, that God had been so faithful in these 2 years. And my heart gives thanks for the sights and the smells that my senses had taken in.
I had been caught up for the past few mths to stay or go, so that I wasn't freed up to give thanks. There is so much to review, so much work that has been accomplished. And He was in it all.
It was fraught with its fair share of sorrows, after which the rainbow always came again.
I'm trotting into new happy land. I think I'm ready. Father help.

Our destination

2010-06-22T21:32:00.001+08:00

If we do not see each day as a process leading towards a destination, but we see each day as a destination in itself, then we would not be so concerned about how to get to our destination. Rather, we would be concerned about enjoying each day. Each day we are alive is a gift from God. And our ultimate destination is not about where we go, but about who we become.

Whose Child is this?

2010-06-18T10:27:00.001+08:00

In "The Hole in the Gospel", Richard Stearns says that we see children in the developing countries as other people's children. For example, if you read about a child who is starving in Africa, it would seem far remote from you. But if one day you come home, and you find a child sitting outside your door, and he is starving to death, you would immediately bring food out to save this child.

Whose child is this? The question is asked.

Until we can identify with these children, and these children become personal to us, they would always be other people's children.

But they are Daddy God's children, each of them precious to Him, and He sees each as His own.

So my question again, Whose child is this?

When you can answer this question...your heart breaks with Father God...

Pour out Your love into our hearts

2010-06-16T10:07:00.000+08:00

"and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Rom 5:5 (ESV)

If we are not able to sell all our possessions and follow Him, it would be because we do not understand the depth of His love for us.

2010-06-15T14:45:00.001+08:00

You and I were created for freedom.

Freedom is in our heart.

Nobody likes to be constricted.

Fear constrains us. But when the Spirit comes, He sets us free. By which we call the Father, Abba Father. And we understand that we are His children. We receive His inheritance. And we dwell in safe places where we are free to be who He created us to be.

While we are here in this world, we don't feel at home. But Jesus brings us to a resting place even now. The state of being rested in the Father and communing with Him on a daily basis.

I love to travel. The adventurous spirit in me likes to explore, to meet people of different nationalities. To see different sights, smell different places. =D

And when the fear in the heart is removed...I run...on Green fields of His. =)

Penang was great. Met with people from different nations. Many missionaries! They helped me to expand my horizons beyond this tiny but lovely island Singapore. I miss the warm and friendly hugs and affection... We were created for love!

One day we will see each other......

No wonder God told Elijah he was not alone. His tiny puny mind could only see where he stood. But all over the world, people with Kingdom mind are present. How lovely, how wonderful to have a big family & community!

The Wilderness

2010-05-22T22:31:00.005+08:00

I often wished I were smarter & more eloquent, like being able to get a scholarship, study in one of those branded US or UK university, and get a top notch job, maybe as a investment banker, or an analyst, or admin service in the civil service or...
I wish I were more assertive, then I wouldn't be bullied, I would be that confident girl who struts around knowing what she wants.
I wish I were prettier...
And many more wishes of being someone else.

This week a leadership training was held for about 140 sec 3 girls at our compound, and I did registration for them. As I interacted with them, or observed them, some of my childhood/youthful angst came up from nowhere, unexpectedly. Those fears, those longings and desires to be well liked- as a youth never quite ever being the most popular, but the quiet one with the spectacles at the corner. The only way I could get some attention for myself was when I scored good grades, and the teacher highlighted my name.
Last night, my sis wanted to borrow my RGS tie, and as I held it, a forgotten pride welled up from within. Whatever that I had felt as a sec sch girl, wearing the uniform.

And there I was, as I was marking the attendance for the girls, wondering what I am doing here? I have now nothing to speak of for my career status. If my confidence used to be in my grades, now I can no longer boast in these. What then, can I boast in?

The residues of that youthful angst and that desire for belonging remains. Though adults have a better way of masking these with better dressing, proper ettique and lots of activities. How now...?

I kind of breezed through getting my first job even before I graduated. The current job had informal interviews. And now exploring the next step, I am hit by the reality of rejection and misfits. I feel very small in my own eyes.

As Pastor Edmund would name it- its the primal wounds of the heart. Stuff that you bring from childhood into adulthood. Dear God, clear it and heal it please. <3

Weddings and HDB Flats!

2010-05-16T22:30:00.002+08:00

These 2 years there seems to be an accelerated no. of wedding invitations! I just went for one on Saturday, and in June there's going to be two more. Most of my really good friends are married! I have been invited to their various flats for meals, and its really so surreal to see my friends having their own flats. :P Each one carries a style of their own. Yessss the societal norm to get married is so strong!
Looking at their other halves and attending weddings also makes me think about what I really want, and the type of person I'm looking for...Together with people I've dated, had crushes on etc. ...what worked, what didn't etc.
I really wish that it was easier. And ofcos assessing my single status, the benefits that come with it...greater mobility, more time etc.

------------------

My hands and legs have several mosquito bites! :( And guess where I got bitten...
At home! :P Its scary when home is a place you got to be neurotic about. Most of the time, I get bitten when I'm preparing for work in the morning! Sprayed insecticide around the corners but it doesnt seem to help. And I have an average of 4 new bites everyday for the last week. :( :( Mosquitos, I command you to flee!
Being philosophical ofcos......makes me think of the deeper question of how home is meant to be a safe place, and how it is sometimes not. Maybe the very people you thought you could trust abused you?
And our family backgrounds greatly affect our development, i.e. our view towards relationships, life etc. And then the desire for love makes us to find it in the wrong places...

Creating Spaces for God and Relationships and Myself

2010-05-03T12:56:00.004+08:00

April came and went, it was a crazy week of 2 trips to Cambodia, conferences and workshops and events and rushing work etc. ;) Glad I emerged sane!

Labour Day Holiday applied to me cos I usually have to work on Saturdays. Was very thankful for the long weekend. I spent Sat morning at East Coast Beach cycling with my cell grp, and after that, I sat at a shaded area for an hour or so just reflecting, worshipping and praying. It was nice. Unknowingly, my back and my arms turned lobster red too!

I went for intercessory prayer on Sun 8am, cos it was anchored by the missions committee. While we were worshipping, someone read the verses from Isa 49:8 onwards. I was touched, because they were the verses that God gave me in 2007 when I was praying about leaving GIC. God remembered me! And 2 May marks the 2 year anniversary of my time in The Girls' Brigade.

After service I spent a good 2 hrs or so processing my thoughts with an aunty in the church whom I respect a lot, and she was also kind of instrumental in my job switch two years ago. I was thankful for the time of sharing and praying together.

And finally, I went for KTV with my good old friends. :D Though I felt so ancient cos my knowledge of chinese songs and singers probably stopped in the 1990s or early 2000. I was glad for time to chill out though.

It has been a fruitful weekend, and today is still rest day for me! Yay! :D Waiting and creating spaces for God and relationships (and myself). I like.. :D

It bleeds! It hurts!

2010-04-10T11:33:00.003+08:00

I was put on local anesthesia before I extracted my wisdom teeth. One on my right bottom was horizontal and embedded in my gums. The injection hurt, and my bottom chin and lips became swollen after abt 30 min. But when Dr. Tan began the operation, I could not feel any pain, even though there were loud grinding noises and pressure on my gums. My eyes were covered to prevent water from splashing in and protect me from the light glare. But the unknown made me scared. Trust & Faith in Dr. Tan and in the anesthesia injection..did I trust the local anesthesia? Logically, there should be pain. I was scared that there would be sudden jutting pain bcos the injection wasn't done properly.

Why did God create pain? It reminded me of Philip Yancey's book "Where is God when it hurts?". In the book, he says that pain helps us to know that there is something we need to fix, and prevents us from getting hurt. E.g. leprosy patients lose feelings in their limps, and they scratch themselves, cut themselves etc, but it doesn't hurt. Pain is a good indication from God that we are hurting.

Dr. Tan was stitching the wound, and he said, we are now at the last stage of the op. You have been very brave, you hardly made a noise, are you okay? Are you used to having operations?

Well actually no, I have never been hospitalized, and this is my second operation since few years ago extracting my first ever wisdom tooth.

I took the MRT home after the op. I felt no pain in my mouth, except for numbness and a swollen chin. When I got home, there was a lot of blood but no pain! Again brings home the pt of pain...

Sometimes I think, we are numbed to pain, but physical symptoms like bleeding show us that we are hurting and we are in need of medical care. What abt for emotional issues that hurt us? Do we wait until physical symptoms appear that we know we are in need of care? These are more tricky...isn't it? Do I have a big threshold for pain?

Family and Friends :)

2010-04-08T21:26:00.002+08:00

I extracted my wisdom TEETH today, plucked 3 of them! :D one was like intensive grinding..

Mum cooked lovely porridge. I love my parents fussing over me. I am so blessed.

I am also deeply grateful for the good friends He has placed in my life. Emails, MSN, smses...prayers, sharings. Thank you my dears, for being with me. \XOXOXO/

I wish I have a special someone to share my life with. But He has provided me with the most wonderful angels (also known as family and friends). I am blessed.

Thankful for some MC after wisdom tooth extraction. :)

What keeps that fire buring?

2010-03-29T20:43:00.004+08:00

I haven't been blogging for a while since I got back from Cambodia... And April has some upcoming meetings...looks like I may be flying up again! I enjoy the "action" though, which pretty much keeps me energised.

Thinking abt life...and what I want with it. It has been a pretty confusing journey, weighing the pros and cons of different options. Sigh. Being a person who likes to plan ahead, and is more interested in the outcomes/goals than in the process, it has been so hard taking the uncertainty. I still have not arrived at any conclusion yet. Direction in life is so confusing! :S

Today I went to The New Charis Missions, they have a new place near YCK/Jalan Kayu. It was nice. A big nice quaint bangalow that houses abt 50+ of ex-offenders/drug abusers in transition. I was updated that they currently also go to schs to run programmes with at risk youths. So so so encouraged to hear that. What better people to share perspectives with these youths then these band of brothers who are currently leading such changed and inspiring lives? Don shared with me that it is tiring to run all these programmes, but it is that calling that fuels him, and he is happy. :) It is a happy happy atmosphere in that place.

With that ofcos....makes me think abt that little spark of fire in me, and what ignites that spark. It must not just be a spark that is ignited by excitement. It must be a burning fire that continues to burn after that spark of inspiration dies and monotony sneaks in.

Pastor Kai talked abt Eric Liddell in his sermon on Sun. This is a guy who eventually went to China to be a missionary, but before that, he won olympic medals for running. His sis couldn't understand why he was an atheletic since he had a missions calling. Eric Liddell says - "I run for the glory of God". Earlier I had blogged before this quote by him, "When I run, I feel His pleasure."
Even the most godly things we do, if not for God's glory, is nothing.
Even the most mundane thing we do, if for God's glory, means something - that yieldedness of all our activities and our whole life unto Him.
Maybe sometimes for seasons, we have to step back, away from what are the most "godly" tasks, and it seems like a roundabout way away from our calling. But...we need to figure out why we want to step back or should we persevere on?

Its such a puzzle differentiating betw all these!

The cacophony of Time

2010-03-10T12:30:00.005+08:00

I was taken ill the day I got back from Cambodia.
I flew off to Cambodia on a Sunday, and got back on a Friday night. Saturday morning, I had to be my friend's bridesmaid, so I reached her house at 645am. In the morning, I felt a bit of discomfort with some diarrhea. As the day progressed towards the afternoon, it seemed to get worse and I felt dizzy, tired and hungry. Thought it was just because I didn't eat breakfast cos of the early morning. Wedding lunch i didn't have much appetite and the dress was so tight! Grrr.... By the time I got home at 5ish pm I was zonked out. Diarrhea everytime I ate or drank and fever!
Saw doc two times, and today is my last day of MC. :D Thankful I'm feeling much better now. Thankful for all the friends who prayed for me.

Time seems to stop when you are sick. Work has to be put aside, appointments fixed have to be cancelled or rescheduled, housework has to wait. TIME- U are my slave, u have to wait.
Funny how time has become our master isn't it. I always find I have no time for anything. And staying at home, mostly bedridden because you are dizzy makes you really stay at home!!! I really don't like staying on my bed, and I was upset cos I have 101 things to do you know! Like replying emails, typing reports, reading bible, reading the news, washing the clothes, packing etc etc. I found I couldn't move too much and it was frustrating.

Maybe it was a time for time to stop. A time to say no and be still. Which is absolutely difficult. Using the internet now is not staying still! Too used to moving at breakneck speed that I can't take staying still. But still.....

Trip to Cambodia was good. Cos I saw some of the work, and some of the youths who were discipled. Felt that the ground was soft and doors opened with the many prayers. But still a country in need of much hope after the terrible past that it has gone through. The key probably lies in the new generation who are filled with new hope and a new eagerness to learn. :)

At one point on my trip, I suddenly couldn't remember I was in Indonesia, Cambodia or Philippines? I went to Indonesia about 7 times for the past 2 years, and Philippines 2 times within last 5 years. And this is my 2nd trip to Cambodia. Not that I'm trying to count the times to redeem some trophy. But what would these trips cumulate to? I am thinking it may end up in a book....but then again some of these things I saw can't be expressed into a book. The darkness, poverty, destitute, those eyes of the little children, children without clothes, the pain BUT also that simplicity, the joy, the love.... That's why maybe I couldn't remember where I was. Sometimes it really hurts to think too much abt the pain and the needs in these places that I have been to. Its a miserable burden...esp on the days when you are sick. :S
But life goes on.....with the tyranny of time. Maybe we aren't so busy afterall? I don't know how...but we each can only help build that part of the rainbow. And the thing is...how do we stop working at breakneck speed when the world is dying? haa....its really difficult ques to ans.

Felt I needed to rest in His Love even as I was sick. Even when I was feeling miserable bedridden...He was there, is there, in every waking or sleeping moment. And I cling on to His love desperately. And pray His sovereign Kindness over everything that happens on Earth.

When I am awake, I am still with You...

2010-02-17T10:40:00.001+08:00

Grateful for the long CNY break, starting with a halfday on Friday, all the way to Tuesday. 4.5 days of break! Yeah! Managed to catch 2 movies - one with my mum until 2am, about a not-so-pretty lady who went for a full cosmetic surgery & slimming operation, and became like a babe. Anyway, there was a lot of pain & esteem issues abt not looking pretty, in the way that every girl wants to look beautiful. Beauty is only skin deep, but people judge you by your appearences. One of the most lovely thing was I woke up with Ps 139 on Monday.
I liked this: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

But the verse that I woke up with was this:
Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

...

When I awake,

I am still with you.

What I really liked abt CNY hols was I got to spend a lot of time with my family. I spent the whole of Monday at home as some people came for visitation. Other than church, the rest of Sunday was also spent with family on visitation. And this year, it seems that my eyes have become more opened, in that I don't just see my uncle and aunties as just relatives..I see that they are people with their sets of struggles and pains and joys. I think it really helps working in an organization whereby your have colleagues and partners who are in their 40s and 50s.

Slept quite a bit...but the wrinkes and dark eyerings under my eyes dont seem to be fading away...if anything, they seem to be increasing in creases. WHY! Sobs... Eyecreams dont seem to work.

Yup..back to work!

He is faithful

2010-02-12T10:52:00.003+08:00

This morning my colleague passed me a note of encouragement, abt seeing joy on my face for the past 2 weeks, and quoting verse in Isaiah that says we will go forth with joy. Thankful...she said she was encouraged by me too, seeing that one does not need to be dragged down and bitter due to one's environment. :) I'm so happy.
Breakthrough2, we had an open and authentic meeting with a partner we have been working with to organize school trips. It has been stressful cos we do not have the capacity to host too many teams in Cambodia. But it was good we could share about what we knew about the ground and how we could better work together to meet needs on the ground. She even said she would help us work on a English syllabus for our children in Cambodia that teams could use when they go.
Third breakthrough, we have been rallying teams to go to Indonesia, and in June we are having 3 GB teams going to Jogjakarta and Malang. Its the first time any GB girls team is going!
Fourth, finally approval has been granted for us to send money to build a training centre and accomodation in Sumatra.

I think that God is so faithful, and He is kind because he allowed me to see some fruits. But more so than that, it has taught me to wait, He has His own timing and seasons for different things. :D I struggle a lot within letting go, but this morning my colleague's note really encouraged me to trust God in different seasons of our lives. Learning to live each day at a time, each day is an adventure of seeing how things unfold and fit into His sovereign plan.

You Are So Faithful
Lenny Leblanc
Like the sun that rises everyday
You are so faithful, Lord, You are faithful
Like the rain that You send
And every breath that I breathe
You are so faithful, Lord

Like a rose that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, Lord, You are so faithful
Like the life that You give to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful, Lord

I see the cross and the price You had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sins away
And in the midst of the storm
Through the wind and the waves
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful, Lord

thoughts thoughts thoughts..

2010-02-09T22:22:00.003+08:00

I really havent been blogging for a long long while!
I'm doing fine...been engaged in a couple of interesting and new opportunities. :) I'm happy... Mentally and emotionally engaged...
I've been journaling more often than blogging!

A couple of thoughts:

1. Reflecting on different situations I experience in life, I realise that there's no right or wrong person, we are each the best of ourselves. What do I mean? In terms of relationships, job fits etc, we each come with different qualities and skill sets that makes us attractive to each other or to the task at hand. Hence if I don't get a job, or I don't end up with someone, I'm still the best of who I am. I'm not less than someone else, rather I am special and unique.

2. I'm blessed to see the fruits of my labour in the office, as projects are starting to take form, and schools are starting to get excited about Indonesia! :D I'm so thankful that God allowed this to take place. Relationships with people has also improved tremendously. Indeed, labour takes time to bear fruit. Don't give up if you are in a hard place.

Nothing else much to say...for now. :D Shall elaborate more abt new opptys when they become more firmed up!
Happy that CNY hols are coming up!

Life Lessons

2010-01-19T14:34:00.000+08:00

About a month ago, I went to have a haircut, and I removed my earrings, wrapped them in a tissue and put into my bag. When I came home, I couldn't find the earrings in my bag and I thought I had thrown the tissue away accidentally! I was so sad because my mum bought me those earrings, and they were my new favourite pair.

Last week, I was taking a pouch from my bag, and as I fished it out, one side of the earring was hanging on the pouch. I dug in the bag and found the other side! This is a different bag from the one I brought for the haircut, and I don't know why the earrings ended up there. But it is sure makes a good philosophical lesson on "losing" something, waiting and finding it back again.
----

Went to the gym yesterday, and the Personal Trainer said- you have very high endurance level, but little strength. But it's ok, he said, with the endurance, you would be able to improve your strength in a matter of time. I feel that this is a statement that is true about my work. I think I have a high endurance level. But in terms of "strength", i.e. expertise, knowledge with regards to many things, I feel inadequate all the time. Who u see yourself as, probably determines the threshold/limit of who u can be. Actually..Who your God is determines the threshold/limit of who He can make you to be.

Things that have deeply possessed my soul

2010-01-18T13:56:00.003+08:00

Sometimes..
Its not easy to figure out the desires of my heart. Except those sudden moments that trigger that gripe in my heart, and I seem to come closer to the me on the inside. Oh, those sudden moments that touch my heart.
C.S. Lewis describes this better.
All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...

I hope to become closer to me, i.e. who I was created to be.

And life is filled with decisions, delimmas. heh...after all the layers are pealed off, I hope I can be honest with myself and my desires and who He has created me to be. So that I may have the courage to opt for that path.

Adventure!

2010-01-12T12:26:00.004+08:00

It was a great trip!

Experienced floods, which was a little scary when it started to rain and it was night time. We couldn't see what we were walking on cos it was dark, and we had to tread though the waters. But the kiddos in the village bathed and raced in their sampans on the approx 1 mtr deep waters around their house. Such resilience and simple enjoyment, and of turning a natural disaster into something fun! I enjoyed being in the village cos of that adventurous streak in me - maybe cos I missed that rebellious teenager phase, and I'm experiencing it post teenager! Enjoyed the experience of being with different culture, different types of housing and living, certainly opens up my mind to many things!

Thank God for His protection in such different situations! And that we didn't get food poisoning even though we ate with our hands for most times, like the locals, and tried different types of food and drinks.

One thing that struck me is how our partners live amongst the villagers! One particular team travels a few hrs every week to this remote village! Its amazing. Reminds me of how I felt at Philippines, that God would travel to the most remote of places in the villages to reach out to His people. And also, its the whole concept of how you need to live amongst the people and be with them. Like Jesus staying and living amongst men. I think this makes good community development model too! Not just some high level sit at the office kind of planning.

I wished the trip would not end. But honestly I did miss my comfy bed and my bathroom and my family. I don't think I can take staying in the village for a long while, and a few days is really novelty. Plus you don't get to bathe in the village! Unless you want to use well water or bathe in the river. It reminds me that locals are best at reaching locals. And what is the unique pt we singaporeans have? I guess we have resources, materials, techniques that we could train the locals in and empower them.

Whats great though abt going to a developing country and spending time there? Its a great big detox from busy Singapore. At one particular village, there was no TV, and at night time, we all sat around to chat and drink tea. It forces you to interact with people on a very human level. On almost a daily basis, we had great times of sharing and devotion and worship too amongst our team. It was great spending time with God. I went to Indo to find Him, and found Him I did!

It strikes me that it is not so much of the environment we are in (tho that greatly helps) but that inner attitude and pursuit of God. Its been a week since I got back and life is starting to get busy again. But this year I really hope to spend time off and daily to be living my life like I am on a missions trip.

Revived!

2010-01-08T16:49:00.002+08:00

Funny that the air smells of winter...
Like that very winter in 2004 when I was in Yunnan, Mizhi High School on YEP trip.
Every breath I inhale is filled with hope and a crisp freshness...

This enthusiasm in my heart.

Jadedness...Gone...
My heart is revived!

10 days away at Indonesia really did me good! :)

Even though I have a block nose now and slight flu!

More to come...on trip..

Random thoughts before the year ends

2009-12-23T23:54:00.004+08:00

I'm really feeling kinda happy cos I just had dinner with HY at a quaint nice restaurant that I've always wanted to try!! :) Its called Mana Mana. Its reasonable priced (mains avg costs about $12-16), its alfresco dining, next to the beach. Its near the Cable Ski area, very near where I used to stay at Laguna Park. Had nice cosy talk with HY as usual...thankful that she indulged in my whims and fancies to have dinner there. Its overlooking the sea, and that stretch of the sand where I always sit to pray looking at the seas in the evenings. It was lovely. :)
Yep I drank some beer hehe...cos it was so chill out kinda place..

And guess what, today was my LAST DAY OF WORK for 2009. hurhur..
I'm flying to Indo for missions from 26 Dec - 4 Jan, a whole 10 days trip. Doing children's programmes in village and orphanage. YAYYYYYYYY. Don't know a whole lot abt children. But the last few days we are going to be exposed to some relief work, and I'm really super excited about it!

Trying to reflect for 2009, haven't managed to do a lot. Its been a really tough year, and I have difficulty giving thanks actually! But I think mainly I'm just tired. Will sleep in tmr. And after much sleep, I would be able to think properly and remember all that happened hopefully! :P It has been a dramatic year tho, of people speaking into my lives, of someone saying he saw angels around me....of divine coincidences somehow. Yeah, of God's faithfulness in changing hearts, and yes! I've built resilience on the inside. And learnt to love difficult people (in the process seeing the difficult me).

Actually...thinkg abt it I'm by nature a very shy and timid gal. You must be thinking in yr heads - you shy??? Well, God has changed me a lot. On the inside many times I still struggle with intimidation and fear, but courage is going forward in spite of fear. He has changed me and given me the courage to pursue the path that is difficult. While we learnt balloon sculpturing on Mon, I was so scared that the balloons would burst on me. They did, a couple burst on me! :S Meiyin says this balloon sculpturing reflects yr personality a lot. It is true- I'm not gung ho by nature, but very cautious. Ehh..God has given me much courage, and put a dream in my heart....And the path towards that destiny is sometimes kinda road not travelled. :P Not pursuing radicalness for its own sake...but somehow finding that pursusing God leads to a radical path. ;p

Went for Dialogue in the Dark last week....
Going through Dialogue in the Dark which is like a 1 hr guided tour by a blind guide into a totally dark place. You feel like you are blind cos its total darkness. Feeling my way around made me appreciate my sense of touch much more. Smelling stuff, hearing birds chirping and all was nice. Sitting down in the "park" was nice. I was present for the moment. Having sight kind of distracts u I realise, since u get to look ard at yr surroundings, and sometimes form unwarrented judgement calls about people and things. Its like when you are blind, you hear people better instead of jumping into conclusion. And that touch is so reassuring, to know that someone is near you when you can't see. So there's things u can "see" when you are blind. I strongly recommend for you to visit it! It made me remember this line in King Lear by Gloucester “I stumbled when I saw”.

Okay Im gonna sleep now. Tmr is a rest day! Yay..and packing and planning... :)

GOOD NIGHT!

God of small things

2009-12-13T22:49:00.002+08:00

Today I went to the chinese service with a chinese student -J, whom someone introduced to me some time ago. I have been meeting her for lunch and service whenever she comes to church. I was intending to go for some christmas shopping, but decided to go for chinese svc with her instead. And it was nice to spend time with her, and we also met 2 other young chinese gals who just came to Singapore for 2 weeks. It was interesting seeing J dishing out advice to the gals about what hp card to buy, about taking MRT etc and whatnots... And gosh, there's so many of these chinese gals in Singapore who need such advice.

It reminded me abt what Pastor Matt shared with us last week, about how Jesus met the needs of people one by one. I used to think that I need to plan some major event, or start some social enterprise, but I never felt that God is the God of small things more than today..

It was that Starfish story that inspired me, abt saving the starfish one by one, throwing them back into the sea. Oh but I think I got bogged down by all the different issues. Its really kind of hard to be praying for people in general. But if u have specific people in yr head and heart to pray for, that really makes prayer meaningful. It was during that 30 min of chatting with the gals that made me feel so happie and alive....that nice feeling of just loving and caring for one person at a time!

Broken alabaster jar

2009-12-05T21:57:00.004+08:00

I've been feeling rather angsty about my future and calling in life recently, but today, its really a breakthrough after a long conversation with a volunteer. I talked about how stuck I felt, and she brought new perspectives to me. It was good. =)

I've lost myself cos I don't remember why/how I came to the decision to work here. Cos I'm so tired. But thinking about it for the past few days, I remembered again why I wanted to work in a NGO.

I wanted to explore missions. Long term missions overseas. I have a heart for the poor and the marginalized. I wanna do social enterprise to help the poor in a sustainable way. I want to bring healing to the broken hearted. But I don't have guts to be based overseas, cos I need to explore that calling by serving in a position based in Singapore first.

Heh now that I remember myself, I wonder if the past 1.5 years have helped me to acheive what I wanted to do?

One thing is a job based in Singapore doesn't let me go to the ground as often as I would like. And if I go, I deal with more macro level stuff like meeting partners.

I'm thinking how do I get from point A to point B. As of now...point B is pretty blurry, pretty unsure abt where I am heading.

But as long as I keep moving....and trusting...and actually resting in God. I think He will not just reveal point B, but each day is that process of moulding me on the inside. So that I would become stronger, more courageous, more loving, more thankful, more joyful....like a broken alabaster Jar, that comes forth from it fragrance.

------------------
Thinking...
What skills/expertise can I offer to people overseas? I need to build myself up now. I thought of doing more mentoring of youths, more nurturing for new believers, more leading of worship, more preaching and sharing.
But its kind of weird, to think that serving in SG is a means of moulding me for the future. And sometimes I wonder if wanting to go overseas is afterall an escape of reality here. That kind of adventurous and forsaking all kind of life. And actually there's oppty for me to be based in Cambodia office for example. And a one year time off away from SG sounds like a kinda nice thing to do. =)
But ya, I still have difficulty letting go of this sense of needing control over the outcomes of situation, and wanting to know wats ahead of me.
Actually....I am really looking forward to my new cell group. And hoping to also mentor some youths in my church! As in doing these things for its own sake, and not as a means to prepare me to go overseas.
Maybe..its counter intuitive that serving actively would bring abt rest. Maybe, rest is really...as what I learnt, not slowing down, but centering down on one's purpose/priorities/direction.

And as the year winds down, today as I walked home fr the MRT, my mind settled down to clarity. Thinking abt the whole journey and experience from leading a youth cg, to giving bible studies to diff ones, to mentoring Fel, to leading a peer DG, and now the administrative experience of sending teams. That wealth of experience, I believe....is a testimony of God's hand never letting go of me. I'm thankful. Very very thankful for this moment of peace.

Little Children

2009-11-29T19:01:00.003+08:00

Its kinda interesting that I've taken an interest to children recently. hehe. The bible says let the little children come into God's kingdom. There's a simplicity about children that warms my heart. And ofcos the immense potential that each kiddo carries. =) I think that children's ministry would be a crucial component too, in missions work, bcos in teaching the children while they are young the right values, it builds up their character for the future. Did I not also first learn about Jesus and praying and God when I was in primary school from my domestic helper? She was such a big influence in my life, teaching me to pray on a daily basis.
Had a dream that day of little kiddos singing with adults in a concert few nights ago. Think its cos I listened to too many songs of kids singing.
This Dec 26- 2 Jan I would be at Indonesia Pekanbaru, going to an orphanage. I really dunno anything much about ministering to children. But I pray that the little kids may know that even though they are orphans on earth, they are dearly loved by the heavenly Father, accepted and adopted into His family.

My trip to Cambodia meanwhile is still unconfirmed! It is targetted to be from the 7-18 Dec. I don't like the uncertainty, but I have decided not to live my life based on that limbo mode. But each day as I can (well, at least from now to the 7th, and after the 18th), I shall make all my appts and carry on with life. Xmas started early this year for me, started buying presents already, in view of my traveling. I shall keep you posted on my travels and learn to live each day at a time, giving thanks for each day.

thanksgiving

2009-11-26T22:59:00.005+08:00

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. We don't celebrate it in SG, but anyhow, I went for a dinner tonight in which a few ple made short speeches of thanksgiving. It moved my heart to think about all the things to give thanks for.
Flashes of people, scenerios, provisions came to mind. So clear that HE led me thru each of these.
Spent a short while at the playground just now, just stopping. Just being present where I am. And reflected. Has He not always provided, is His hand shortened? And would He not provide?

I prayed for and said encouraging words to 2 people this month, people whom I had issues with, whom I had difficulty relating to. Thankful bcos the gesture enlarged my heart to love.

Thankfulness, truly the remedy to a complaining spirit.

This week at service, Pastor Ed Wong talked abt how to break thru in desert grd. One of the pts was how God called us to witness even in the midst of the difficulties we face. Somehow I think, life is not going to get any easier, but we can choose how to respond to our situations, and God grants us the grace to love others even when it is difficult.

If I could like...give thanks for the work He is doing, find joy & satisfaction in my work...that would be...the gift of God. (Ecclesiastics)

Funny thing happened to me tis week. I was contemplating attending a talk, and the speaker of the talk emailed me wrongly. She was replying to a grp of people and somehow i ended up in her cc. It was so strange! Kind of knew I was supposed to go for the talk. I went and at the end I said hi to her, and she said GOD LOVES YOU SO MUCH, which made me want to cry. It was like this small little setup...seems like a coincidence, but whatever it is, God enabled it just to tell me a message that HE loves me.

Well it has been a tough year, insommia, relationship issue, work stress, disillusionment, bordering on depression and hopelessness. Somehow, sometimes, it is embracing the pain, and knowing that Jesus walks thru the pain with you. Really holding on to your hand, and telling u, I am so proud of you my precious girl. =) And its all worth the while for Him.

Staying is harder than leaving?

2009-11-11T16:49:00.001+08:00

I was supposed to go to Cambodia this week. Within the span of a few hours, the decision fluctuated between leaving on Friday, then Saturday, then Thursday - thur no flights. A longer wait and at night it was decided a no go!
I really wonder what God is trying to teach me at such times. I was kinda frustrated and uptight the whole of yesterday waiting for the decision to be made. I'm serving in the Banquet of Honour on Friday and Sunday so I really didn't know what/how to pray about going or not going. I felt a tremendous sense of relief when the decision was finally made, cos I won't be hanging in the middle. But I felt disappointed I won't be going to Cambodia. But it also means that its more likely I would be going to India. I really don't know what to make of it!
I figured that I would have felt equally disappointed if I was going, and I couldn't serve in the Banquet of Honour. I guess ultimately the lesson is that of faith and surrendering of my life to God. Literally, for Him to bring me wherever He wants to and whenever. Its a surrender of my rights as I have no control over the situation at all.
And maybe again its not about the pomp about going anywhere, jetsetting, or telling others hey I'm leaving for Cambodia. Its really doing admin work, tying up details, briefing people, preparing people in Singapore. And reaching out to internationals in Singapore. None too glorious, but an ultimate test of my heart. Why do I want to go?

Sometimes maybe, staying is harder than leaving.

Today

2009-11-01T23:39:00.004+08:00

I went for my first mass run today with Jas and YX. It was organized by Great Eastern. =P
It was kinda fun, at first I felt like I was running on the spot cos it was so crowded, and I could barely move. But coming to about 2.5km onwards, people started to become more spread out, and I could fly! =p The last 100 m was exhilarating. Running to the end with crowds of people all around you! I finished 5km in 29min 32sec (and I should minus some minutes for the starting as I started so far away fr the starting point).
Haha, yea, u see my competitive nature even in running. ;p I never was too good in sports, but ever since going to the gym, my stamina has improved a lot, and I do enjoy challenging my own limits in running!

I went to church in the afternoon for lunch & a training on the Banquet of Honour. Its a series of dinners and lunches organized for the migrant workers- Domestic workers and blue collared to honour them and thank them for their service in Singapore. Its organized by churches in Singapore. =) I would be serving, provided I'm not traveling. I'm really looking forward to it. A bit apprehensive about pouring drinks and scooping rice, cos I'm not that good at serving, but I really like that concept of upside down leadership. Of how Jesus Himself was an example of servanthood...when he stooped down and washed His disciples feet.

So anyway I got a partial lift home, thankful for my friend =) For the first sunday in a long while, I actually got home at 3ish. I was so zonked that I slept for 2 hours.....really felt so exhausted and my body is finally letting itself rest and replenish itself a bit. Spent the rest of the evening watching tv.

I watched Jay Chou's movie 不能说的秘密. And it was kinda disturbing..eerie..and sad. Why disturbing? Other then the sudden twist in the middle of the show, I realise for me, it is because the female protagonist died without knowing the truth- that the male protagonist loves her with all his heart.

Hmm. I also watched a korean drama about a traditional family....and the little boy in the show was kinda cute. =) It was cute watching the dynamics between the different generations from great grandson to father to grand father etc.
One particular Conversation went like this
Great grandson (Crying because parents divorced, and mother moved away without telling him): Great Grandpa, it hurts, my heart is in pain
Great Grandpa: Your heart will become stronger, next time when you encounter painful things, it would not hurt so much
So much truth in that- in building resilence and becoming stronger thru pain.

Alright I'm just verbal diarhoeing my day. ;p Off to sleep and another rest day tmr. Thank God..

Social entrepreneurship

2009-10-26T12:03:00.004+08:00

I went to SMU's Social Icon dinner on Friday night. It was kinda nice, but I was sad that I missed the whole day's conference with really good speakers. I met Anil & Sinee again after a long long time!
Social Innovation & entrepreneurship which is really solving social problems in a sustainable, innovative and systemic way, gets me excited because of the sense of passion and idealism that bubbles in the sector. i.e. Its not just feeding a fish to a man, but teaching a man how to fish, and revitalizing the whole fishing industry. There's a very good special edition writeup on some social innovators who were awarded funding in Saturday's Straits Times.

I always thought I wanted to be a social entrepreneur of sorts, because how nice it would be if I could meet needs in a sustainable way. But when I look at the world with so many diversed problems, I really wonder, what is the cause that I am passionate about?

Passionate actually...about people...because I believe no human made in the image of God should live like an animal. And ofcos, to share the greatest news of all times through my actions, making God's love tangible to people....
The Greatest News of God's redemption, His forgiveness of our sins, reconciliation with Him, and joy forevermore. In Him, we experience the greatest and deepest everlasting love.

Letting go of the one you love

2009-10-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

I watched a very good movie - My Sister's Keeper just now. I went to watch it without knowing what the show was about...
There were quite a few heart wrenching scenes, mainly weaving around themes of lost, grieve, dilemmas, letting go...
It really portrayed the difficulties that a family with a child with cancer goes through, that pain of seeing your child die away, esp for the mum, how difficult it is to let go of her, as she finds ways and means to help her live. And the kind of tensions that it builds up within the family as the focus is on the sick child. Whereas the rest of the children play second fiddle.
I teared with them in some of the scenes, cos I could relate to that feeling of losing someone you love. And I'm so blessed because my family members are all healthy. But still grieve is real, even in terms of break up in relationships, in losing your dreams etc.
Even though the loses that I experienced seem so much milder, yet pain and grieve is real. And the irreversibility of the situation, whereby the past becomes just memories is real.
And yes in the third world, the suffering is so common as loved ones die daily because of lack of food or poor governments. Or when people die in natural disasters. The pain is so real and great.
Yet everywhere, even when we are comfortable and all, as humans, each of us suffer from different loses and grieve. As long as we are humans, and we have treasured relationships, when people die, or when people leave our lives, we grieve. As long as it hurts, there is pain. Who is to judge that my pain is less real than yours?
Its really difficult to see a loved one slowly wither away. And in one particular scene, the mum sobbed as she finally let go of her daughter. In some cases, love can be suffocating. When we love others in our own terms, and we don't want to lose the person, whereas letting go is really being loving to the person.
The greatest form of love I guess, to pray, and be happy for the loved one when he is happy. Even if he has to leave. U really wonder like, are you really loving a person by making him/her stay with you, or is it really for your own sake that you want he/her to stay (i.e. to live on?).
Letting go...is such a painful thing to do...

Rethinking what service learning means

2009-10-09T18:04:00.004+08:00

This morning started off on a wrong note.
On Tues, we delivered 3 boxes of jeans to school X. These jeans are donated for our beneficiaries in Cambodia, and school X is going on a service learning trip to our sites. So teacher in charged said that it was okay for the students to help us bring up the jeans.
I received a phone call today, the VP was not happy and scolded the teacher plus our partner for asking their students to carry these boxes for us. It is ironic that the students are going for a SERVICE learning trip, so where does service begin? Ofcos bringing up the boxes is a voluntary thing that they are doing to help us, and we have no right to force it upon them. I can also see it fr the point of view of the school, that they are afraid of parents complaining that their students have to carry heavy weights, or the bags of their little kids will break. But precisely because our kids are too sheltered, that they need to be exposed to situations whereby they do things at their inconvenience so as to serve others. Its perhaps time to rethink what service learning means. I thought thats the whole point of a service learning trip, which begins not just playing with the kids at Cambodia, but begins with that attitude of humility and servitude.
So yes, we had to travel again from Upper Serangoon Road to another end of Singapore, 1 hr two and fro, just to pick up the boxes. (yup we travelled that 1 hr on Tuesday too to deliver the boxes)

Anyway, this incident was neutralized by the kindness of my friend. My friend who is in the midst of looking for another job now picked me up from town, and drove me to the school, following which drove me back to the office at Upper Serangoon. I'm deeply thankful ofcos, and know that in the midst of every challenge, God provides His angelic resources to keep us going. Thank you! =)

My colleague says I should not let these episodes get the better of me. Indeed these days I'm finding it rather hard to contain my emotions. I think little things start to prick me and irritate me. Maybe I take things too personally. Maybe I am too idealistic and perfectionistic. Maybe my sense of right and wrong is too strong. Maybe I don't accept that there are grey areas in life. But why Oh why...is the world so imperfect, and why are people so incongruent?

Praying for God's grace to let go of all these things to Him.

New things...

2009-10-06T22:03:00.003+08:00

hihi, just decided to come in to update abt my life for a short while! I guess blogging is quite a narcissistic thing to do actually.
Well time really flies, and I really can't account for all the stuff I have been doing. Some days just went by in a blur. Especially at work.
Maybe just a few things that were out of norm...I visited 2 churches with my friend last last Sunday. They were youthful churches, and it was interesting. I liked the passionate & radical declaration of God's love, and ofcos the praying in tongues. heh. But somehow maybe age has caught up with me.....I didn't know more than half of the songs. And yup...some of the lyrics though catchy, I have problems singing because I think some are rather radical declarations of our love for God, and it takes more than singing to a nice tune to really mean it fr the heart.
Hmm...Monday I had to wake at 4am to reach Changi Aiport to send off a team to Phnom Penh, cos they were bringing some clothes for us. I hardly slept for 3 hrs when the alarm rang. :S Anyway it was kinda fun, sitting on the sky train cabin alone at early hrs. And taking the first MRT back home! Got to sleep in after...

Today I was blessed again, cos I was delivering clothes to schools for them to help us bring up to Cambodia. And my ex-colleague gave me a free ride all the way from Upp Serangoon (my office) to Bukit Panjang and Bukit Batok. And at the first school, this smiley guy came over and asked to help me carry the box. He was wearing a christian T-shirt saying God is my refuge and strength. Kinda thought these people are God sent angels to help me and remind me that He is there for me. =P

Alright time for bed! Good night!

I don't understand...

2009-09-20T21:35:00.003+08:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if time was not linear? i.e. you can see past present and future at one glance. I watched The Time Travellor's Wife about 2 weeks ago. It made me think of how I would behave differently, if I knew what was going to happen to me in the future. Would I love more? Would I make certain different choices? And most of all, I thought of God who knew all things beforehand, because a thousand years to Him is like a second. And imagine He already knew that at X time, u are going to meet Y person. But you aren't gonna be meeting Y person just yet because ABCD has to happen.

Today when I got on the MRT, there was some vomit like spill on the floor in front of two vacant seats. I don't know what had happened before that for the vomit to be on the floor. But 2 stops later, to my surprise, an elderly cleaning aunty came in with newspapers, trashbag, mop and bucket in tow. She started using the newspapers to clean up the mess, and yup, some of the stuff sipped into the newspapers, i could see, and Im sure her hands got dirty as a result. I felt sad. If she were my grandma, i would be sad to see her mopping the floor and cleaning stuff while the MRT was moving. But yet I don't know....because we do need cleaning aunties, and others to do very menial tasks, but essential to keep our environment clean.

So anyway, she finished cleaning in 2 stops, and what struck me was this. The people who came in after she left the MRT had no idea at all what happened there. And there it was, even after she had cleaned the floor, the 2, now 3 seats remained empty. NO one who had witnessed this thing wanted to step on wet and once dirty floor. And this guy who came on the next station just happily sat down, and was lookg ard at why people were not sitting.

This made me think abt a lot of scenerios in life. Because of our limitations in perspective, and time being linear, we don't know what had happened a min or even a second before to any person, or at any place. Only God is omniscient. I really wished with all my heart that certain outcomes would have been different in my life. But I realise that they are what they are for a reason, and I don't know why, but there's a reason. Can I trust God then, that He knows the best? That everything that happens in the world is in His hands. Choices people make interplay with divine orchestration. Sometimes I really wish i could replay scenes I missed though...so i can understand...sometimes I wonder why certain people left my life, why God has to take them away. And really...mabbe....there's a reason I don't know. Its painful I know. I don't understand, but He does and He allows something to happen or not happen in a season for a reason.

Talking abt rubbish cleaning, GB has a camp called Fast, Food N Fuzz, which has elements of simple food (porridge), sleeping on cardboard boxes, games and prayer for third world countries to help girls understand abstinance and poverty. This is for the primary 4 onwards girls. I really like the concept. One particular game, expired food is poured into a bucket, and girls need to dig out breadtags from inside to exchange for food. The bucket has all the goey stuff. Trust me, you wouldn't want to stick yr hand in there. When I saw the little girls sticking their hands inside, I wanted to cry. Cos I remembered in Philippines and Cambodia, little children were running ard the dump picking up rubbish to recycle. I wanted to cry, because it is so degrading, that a child made in the image of God has to beg and survive on residual rubbish food. Its just a game for the girls alright, but children in the third world do that everyday to feed their tummies. Why such a stark difference in living conditions? Why some are born in sunny, safe Singapore, and others in war torn, flood areas? I don't know. I really don't know. I don't pretend to understand. But one day, in Heaven, my God will wipe away every tear. And justice will reign.

Since when did fear become a norm?

2009-09-16T23:13:00.005+08:00

Today my good friend Andrew came to my office to have a meeting with me and our social enterprise BI. I didn't realise I missed him being present in my life so much, we were really close in university organizing the social entrepreneurship forum together. Meeting him and his friend who are socially conscious & passionate abt SE made me feel so happy. Sometimes Im like a little girl, so easily pleased, I realise.
So anyway, his coming and my talk with S, made me realise that I had gotten use to fear so much that it has become a norm. Talking in soft tones and threading on egg shells. Getting used to people being unkind and protecting their own territory, so to speak, not sharing or working in teams. Yah. And prolonged exposure to this thinking has normalized me into suppressing my need for justice & fairness. How sad..
And because of human nature's innate need for justice, suppressing it feels no good yeah. I need to stop normalizing unfair or rude treatment, and stand up for rights. Its such a thin line between being resilient, growing wiser VS hardening your heart, and normalizing yourself to oppression. No wonder they say little elephants who are being tied to a pole and try to set themselves free cannot. When they are bigger, they can easily pull themselves off, but they remember the childhood trauma and stay stuck to the pole.

Had a good meeting in the afternoon too...with someone who is going to help us run a workshop on social justice. I don't know why but I felt God's presence with us, and I was so happy cos I feel our hearts kind of resonnated abt social justice, fairness, and abt Singapore also having migrant workers and all who are in need of help.

I've been thinking more and more abt the marketplace recently. In particular, the corporate world. ;p Will pray more and see how it goes next year!

Meanwhile, work is really building up with year end trips coming up.

Anniversary dinner!

2009-09-08T16:59:00.002+08:00

I went for the anniversary dinner on Sunday night for The New Charis Missions. I had written about it some time ago.
This is one of my favourite ministries, because it resonnates so much with my heart, and I feel with God's heartbeat. That He is the God of 2nd chances, and more than that - 3rd, 4th, 5th, until we come back to Him.
You see big burly men with tattoos, or thin frail ones, with a past of drug addictions/ offenders. You see them worshipping God, praying and playing lovely music. You realise that we are linked inextricably - hanging on God's grace, His mercy and His love =).
Its amazing!

It was interesting...explaining to my new found friend at the anniversary dinner how I knew about TNCM. Thank God for good conversation! First MCYS Social enterprise, then how it led to thesis, and me trying to do some business consultancy work for High Pt, and finally TNCM, and going to Indonesia with them to explore SE opportunities. Yea, travelled alone with a grp of people I don't know to indonesia, but I loved it there, and enjoyed being amongst them. And maybe...yea...I thought of my life journey, and what a journey it has been!

And went for Officers Retreat over weekend at Johor (i.e. a retreat for volunteers with us), and I was reminded of how last year and this year has changed. Aunty told me that I have improved a lot since last year, and this year really I am a bit more savvy. And more aware of my surroundings, more wise. And there's new staff in the office I can hang out and pray with.
Write the Vision....though it tarry, it would come to pass.....

Birthday Wishes

2009-08-28T15:49:00.002+08:00

My Birthday came and went...some people say that as they get older, bdays seem to mean less, i.e. its just another day. Maybe I haven't grown that old yet, I still think that birthdays are special!
But I really did catch on something this year. I had meals with some of my closest friends separately. These were very blessed times. I realise, it is not about the number of friends you have, what matters is having a few friends who believe in you.
It has been tremendously encouraging reading cards from these few, and sms texts. They really make me feel like I'm worth a million dollars, and that I'm the nicest friend on earth.

I spent my birthday with all the people who meant loads to me. What was most meaningful was sitting at the East Coast Beach for an hour, on a date with God. =) Listening to the waves, praying, and singing to Him...and Him singing over me. ;)
I'm incredibly grateful to the few friends who mean a lot to me. U all know who u are. And yes, for my family.

Surprised that my volunteer bought me a cake during a meeting this week. Its been nice having co-laborers to serve God together with. And her husband, a Pastor, prayed for me from Psalms 1- that I would Fear Not, and be fruitful in Him. Amen and amen.

Believe that this is a new season whereby God is birthing new things in me, in the ministry etc. I need to have faith to believe in Him, to know who God really is.

Oh and finally, my birthday wish is World Peace.
And more...shh..
its a secret. ;)

Final Destination- A sudden thought

2009-08-21T17:46:00.000+08:00

I used to think that every experience was a preparation towards something bigger I would be doing in the future. Now that I don't know what is ahead in the future, and I realise that I can do no big thing.
I think that maybe, life is never about reaching a destination. It is a process of doing small things daily, and each day being a destination in itself.

To laugh and play and love life

2009-08-19T21:38:00.005+08:00

"You are too serious".
Seriously, I was talking to a friend who is running an NGO in Thailand this afternoon, and this is what he commented after we talked for a while!
I was shocked. But his comment hit the nail on the spot. My seriousness, or rather my intensity or rather my sense of responsibility, or rather my perfectionism kills me big time! I won't be able to survive in NGO world if I keep up this seriousness. I need to play hard, laugh a lot and have fun!

Yesterday I went back to have dinner with my ex colleagues. And I was early cos I attended a workshop before that. So I decided to reminisce old times by sitting down at Starbucks with a book and tea. I wrote this:

"Dear God,

I can't believe it but I actually felt nervous stepping into Capital Tower again. And I actually felt relieved seeing "normal" people in "civilised" settings. I missed that smell. I felt different from the crowd. Yet once where I belonged. What could be running through the heads of each one as they took the escalator down and headed home? Can they tell I am different? Though I am probably dressed like a typical executive, what's going on in my mind? What kind of different perspectives do I bring? What kind of different experiences?...

It dawned on me, it was not so much the form in which we present ourselves. It is the life and the substance within the form. To be rested in a fast paced executive environment. To be rested in a uncertain stressful NGO job. To find meaning, to find You, Jesus. In the midst of everything, to dwell in You."

---
Sometimes in my intensed moments, I can't see beyond the cloud around my head. I need to lift up my eyes and see Jesus. And actually maybe...this seems to be a characteristic of many people who hold multiple responsibilities!!!

I just need to learn to laugh at myself.

Small breakthroughs

2009-08-15T20:35:00.002+08:00

I gave a training at work today for 1 hr to about 40 new volunteers and really it was a breakthrough for me, cos I don't think I ever talked that long! I tried to inject some stories inside including personal ones, as well as interesting videos. Some told me it was info overload, esp cos my session was after lunch. But there were a few who expressed interest in helping with overseas extension! yay! :)

Thankful, because I had been feeling stressed abt doing this presentation cum training. :P This morning on the bus I recalled when I did my first presentation in NUS, I was so nervous that I trembled. It was after that I realised I placed high expectations on myself.

This week have been toggling with this idea...does what I do make a difference to the world? And a friend reminded me of making differences in small ways. Thankful. But ya, it has been a struggle sometimes, to put things in perspective, and to accept that no matter how imperfect I am, God loves me.

My current lifestage....

2009-08-05T12:12:00.001+08:00

I had a meeting last night until 930pm. So I am super tired this morning as I only slept at 130am after eating my dinner, practicing my guitar and reading and praying. Technically I can get time off this morning, but I came in on time (just 5 min late), trying to be a heroine to rush out all my work!

Yesterday's night meeting was on a training trip to Indonesia that 3 of my volunteers will be embarking on. My heart is probably going to fly partially with them, because I was almost supposed to go on the trip. But in the end, I submitted to the decision of the leadership, and also feel that another volunteer should go and be exposed since I have been going on so many trips already. Another one of life's mini-surrenders. I really miss the people at Malang though..the bible school students, the cool atmosphere, and yeah...away fr the hussle and bussle.

But it struck me that now, I have changed roles.....I am becoming more and more like a mobilizer. I don't just go, I encourage others to go, and now we are planning mission trip training for leaders etc to equip them. Likewise in my role at church with the youths. It is interesting! Because it also takes a certain surrender, in that it always feels more fun and inspiring to be there on the ground. Who wants to do the admin details and sit in the office! grr..eek eek. But yet much needed processes and systems need to be set in place, so that anyone who takes over can carry on from there. I am glad at least some procedures are up!

And then even as I got home, and I thought about what we had discussed on training, i.e. what women there need. I realise that each one of us bring ourselves and our experiences overseas, and as I was thinking abt what expertise I can offer - not in education or nutrition or healthy living. And then I recalled, O yes, I have spent 4 years studying Business & Finance, including management, marketing etc. Business is a general degree to many, but I think whatever I have learnt is useful in life. Suddenly I thought of CAPM model, and risk free rates and statistics and significance and maslow and purchasing power parity...surely all these knowledge should not go to waste? I should impart or apply them in some way. And you know, I actually NEVER regretted taking Business. If I had to choose all over again, I can recall as clear as the blue sky why I did not choose social work or psychology. I like business....And getting to know about Social Entrepreneurship was just an instant wow! Marrying social needs and business.

And so....I'm starting to have clarity on issues, and I am thankful. =)

I like to be normal

2009-08-03T00:52:00.003+08:00

Just came back from wedding dinner of a good friend from Bizad, and was on a table of people who I hardly knew. But I enjoyed good conversation with a Bizad senior who happened to work in the non profit sector for 2 years too! I miss my bizadder friends and hanging ard with my peers...

On Saturday, I enjoyed good conversations with my friends from GIC too. All the ex colleagues who are around my age!! I miss the fun blanter and laughter!

I don't really miss the job. But I guess, I miss being in a place of comfort, i.e. hanging out with people sharing similar culture, background and life stage. I miss being in a "normal" place. And being in normal places reminds me of how conventional I really am. And maybe, it makes me think of who I really am created to be, what makes me tick, what makes me happy and satisfied. At the end of the day, it is not abt suffering for suffering sake. It is about being at the right place at the right time where God calls me to be. And who knows 9 months from now, it may still be in the non profit, or it could jolly well be in the mkt place. I miss the mkt place and the people there. ;p

These angsty feelings on the inside are strangely gone....I feel that my heart is in a more rested place.. Attended a YWAM training for mission trip leaders on sat too, and Jo Chean as inspiring as ever...he said we are not God, but we should ask God where our role is, in fulfilling God's dream for Asia- i.e. the knowledge of the glory of God will cover the earth.

Lost and Found

2009-08-01T00:31:00.005+08:00

I was at the Bedok Reservoir last night.
Standing under the dark blue sky, whilst the ripples of water glistened under the bright half moon. It was beautiful.

It was where it started and where it ended its final note.

Good bye, my Love.

It was beautiful while it lasted. And the Beautiful memories are etched in my mind.

----------

Listening to this song in the morning. And thought of the man who found the pearl in the bible and sold all he had, because he found it. He found the Kingdom of God.
I've been searching...trying to find...that elusive something to satisfy me.

God found me, and brought me back to Himself. I thought of the God who would search for the one lost sheep...the one missing coin...

Last night I lost something, but this morning I felt joyful amidst the sorrow. Because somehow...I found Jesus. Or rather,
Jesus found me.

Sun Ho- Eternal Blossom
我怕我失去我自己
像摔坏的玩具
该这么缝補
空洞的眼睛

想哭找不到理由哭
呼吸已经麻痹
一百个谎言
是我的面具

到底谁来救赎这封闭的世界
我不想孤独面对我自己
救我脱离一切

终于我找到了你
就像一朵不凋零的花
我的心像被你紧紧拥抱的小孩
你就是爱永远不会更改

The joys of Volunteerism

2009-07-23T21:54:00.005+08:00

Just finished watching Channel U's Stars for a Cause featuring Mindee Ong. Enjoyed it a lot. Reminded me of my first volunteer trip to Yunnan to a village school and playing with the kids. Reminded me of giving tuition to quiet kids when I was in Interact Club. The joys of volunteerism- It always reminds one how vast the universe is, how diverse people are, and being able to share love and care to someone is always a blessing to the one who showers love. It makes one wonder, who can I not forgive? No issue is too big to overcome with that milk of human kindness.

Yes volunteerism....maybe I should become a volunteer again. Mingling with the kids, loving them, hugging them. Kiddos clammering all around me. ;P

And then one wonders is volunteerism afterall not altruistic but you know...a fulfilment of self. Actually when one goes into volunteerism, a big no no attitude is to think that I want to help someone, and I can make an impact. Because actually after the "fun" dies down, we are merely just sojourners of a person's life. And we leave footprints...but in humility, recognizing that there is nothing much we can do to help someone...except to extend that hand of love, and receive back the lessons that the other has to teach. No wonder whenever you hear of people going into rural areas, they say that they receive more than they give. Its true....service learning...I serve you so that I can learn from you... There is so much to learn from the simple joys of the rural people...And even amongst the city dwellers- the abandoned, aged, children, etc, maybe in their eyes, you see a reflection of yourself. And what can we do...except to love and extend that hand of love towards fellow mankind. =)

So inspired that I finished this post in 10 min, in a groggy state of mind.

Humdrum...

2009-07-19T20:55:00.004+08:00

The deepest thoughts are the hardest to share. Which explains my long periods of silences. Some thoughts need processing, some are too personal on a blog. Which leaves the frivalous, and may not be so meaningful to share!

Sometimes the will of God befuddles me! Sometimes I pray and I thought I heard... but it somehow doesn't end up according to whatever I heard! Ofcos the answer could be yes, no or wait, and I never know! But yup I was nursing some wounds and now July, I am feeling so much so much better. Yay! Thank God!

July is a busy month with all sorts of meeting up. Ex-colleagues and more ex-colleagues, ex classmates/ sch friends, church friends, Philippines trip friends etc etc. Had dinner with an ex colleague last night with her friend at Love the World Soul Rock Cafe and I talked about my philippines trip and the things I had learnt, and they were touched! How glad I am.... And today I met another stranger at a prayer meeting, and she was so facinated by my job.

Though the novelty of a job ends after some time, it also means that the steep learning curve starts to straighten. The humdrum begins, the new rythmn starts. Its not monotony for me, definitely not. Its like waves and waves of new things, new situations to handle, and new stressful deals. But u get used to the waves coming up, and u know that the waves will eventually settle down into peace....Speaking from experience, God has delivered again and again.

So in a sense, July is a good month =) More activities coming up, and August too. It was good that there was a time for recess in June before things go full blown again. Recess meaning being forced to work from home! =p And being self quarantined...

And so...the Father has His reasons for different seasons in our lives. What is not meant to be will not be. Though affections die hard, and desires remain when they are retriggered!
But as I was pondering today the meaning of faith.....I reread Heb 11 several times about the men of Faith that the bible mentions.....
Faith...the substance of things hoped for, the prove of the things unseen...
It is holding on to the God who loves us...who never lets us go, and who knows what is best for us. It is NOT naming or claiming whatever we want. It IS praying for what He has promised to come to pass.

A volunteer said to me that I have a very sweet spirit. And I asked, what do you mean by sweet spirit. She said...very gentle.....something along that lines. And I was secretly very pleased. Because I guess I always wanted to be more rough, more eloquent etc.....but being gentle is also a positive characteristic uh? =)2 Peter says that God is pleased with a gentle and quiet spirit.

Fussing over hair

2009-07-07T22:06:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I went to have my hair cut and also highlighted. And it was strange how when Mike - my hairdresser was fussing around with my hair that I thought of B- a christian sister I had met in a village in China. Its a village in high multitudes, and she was the only christian there. Because they don't have bathing facilities there, the people hardly bathe. And we hadn't bathe for a few days. So B offered to wash our hair for us. It was funny using the tap outside her house, and her putting the shampoo on for us in the cold weather, massaging our heads. It was very fun, and I felt very loved! I think there's a little child in me that still loves to have someone wash my hair for me and fuss over me.

Nothing much to update. Except that I have been pretty uptight about some work issues. But then for the past few days, learning to let go. And I actually dreamt about work! Its a signal I think, to let go and not want to be in control over situations I have no control over. And also to stop doing things I am not required or called to do!

Quite looking forward to meeting up with some friends this week- esp my ex colleagues tmr. =) Catching up with people has been good....

Alright! Thats all for updates for now!

The Shadow of the Almighty

2009-06-28T18:36:00.005+08:00

June came and would be gone soon. The sweltering weather that left us drenched with perspiration. I slept with the aircon on for almost the whole month.
Last week I spent 3 nights in the Village School in Kalimantan, and the weather was so hot too! But no aircon. It wasn't really the weather, but I couldn't sleep well, drifting in and out of sleep with my mind heavy.

Traveling for work has its plus and minus points. Plus- see many beautiful sights, of lovely people. And learn of ministries that have been started for years, and the hard work and prayer that have gone into it. These always make me feel so encouraged, cos I know God works in my brothers and sisters overseas, and it is only Him who can convict hearts to serve Him in such a manner. So yes, my heart is often uplifted and sings praises to Him, seeing the work amongst His people. People who are so different culturally, but so similar in that we worship the one and same almighty God.

Minus- seeing more, also means feeling more for the people. Seeing the needs can be so overwhelming. Learning about the hardships and struggles that people go through make me sad. And planning for trips and praying for people to go for trips sometimes is such an uphill task. Realise if I'm not careful, it just becomes one trip after the next, and I lose focus as to why I am doing what I am doing in the first place.

H1N1 scare. I had to be self quarantined for 3 times, now being the third. First after Philippines, second after a volunteer suspected of H1N1 (b4 I flew to Indonesia), third now! Indonesia has strangely only reported 2 cases (haha, do u believe them???), but its listed under the countries affected. So students who have been to Indonesia need to quarantine themselves for 7 days after trip. I went back to office on Fri, but boss asked me to work from home yesterday (sat) since there were lots of girls coming. I had a minor cough and was sneezy yesterday. And there was this oppressive fear in my head...what if I got the flu, what if I pass it to someone yadda yadda. Fear not bcos I am afraid abt my own health, but more so about affecting people. In the evening I got better, and I went out to watch a concert with HY, Jas and ZW. Heh...Are you going Tsk Tsk now?

I'm feeling better today, but I'm feeling SO SO SO super tired. I think its the accumulated lack of sleep. I really don't know how to rest!!! I feel so out of my element resting. I slept today until 11am, drifting in and out of sleep since 10am. And then I listened to a sermon, and then slotted my philippines photos, prayed and then cooked lunch. Facebooked a bit, and had to reply smses from volunteer, before going back to sleep again, and waking up to reply smses abt work again (sigh!). Actually rest is really not a physical thing, but emotional and spirtual. I am praying on Psalms 91, that God will protect me under the shadow of His wings.

But yes, sleep has been so good, and I'm still so tired and exhausted now actually. But in my mind, I'm thinking, am I supposed to be working on something or not...or what...or reply emails...or.....?

Heh....I salute u if u manage to finish reading this, cos this has been a lot of ranting. =) I appreciate your prayers at the end of reading this! I'm seeking God in this season...refocusing...wanting Him...loving Him.

Btw, isn't this cute? Its a pict I took with the kids from the school! =) P/S if u are interested in teaching English, whether 1 month or 1 year at the school in Kalimantan, pls let me know. They are greatly in need of English teachers. This is a christian school for the Dayaks from the villages.

Rescue mission

2009-06-18T10:47:00.005+08:00

Due to some glitches, I didn't fly yesterday, and will be flying tmr morning instead. It was an eventful day as I awoke all ready to go, with my luggage all packed. The uncertainty showed me what it means to be (1) Battle ready - i.e. having your luggage packed and ready to go (2) Trusting and Waiting - For God's timing in uncertainty.

I'm glad I was at home to witness a most touching event. As I have told some of you before, a pair of birds (honey bird) built their nest at the bamboo tree outside my house door. This is the third time they have a kid here. Two other baby birds have hatched and flew off.

But this naughty little baby bird, probably kicks a lot in the nest, plus the nest has really worn out after 2 baby birds. I heard the day before, the baby bird was dropping out of the nest, and my dad & mum had to scoop up the bird and put it back into its nest. Yesterday, the same thing happened to the bird. It was hanging on its legs, upside down in a precarious situation. Dad put the bird into the nest a few times, and even used toothpicks to stick the nest together. As the nest really looked like it was going to break, he put a box below for the bird to land. The baby bird really dropped on the box, and the mother bird was flying all ard the garden anxiously. I noticed the father bird only came after much later. (I was thinking to myself.....The male and female characteristics apply in the animal kingdom too? haha..)

Okay here is the poor birdy....

And mum and dad thought of cutting down the original nest and put it into this basket, before putting poor baby inside. So that baby will not fall again. It was kinda sweet....Mummy bird and Daddy bird were so worried tweeting all around. And later when the discovered baby bird was safe in the new man-made nest, they continued their tweeting melody. ;)

For more info, u may visit my mum's blog which gives a narration of the whole incident plus photos. ;p

It was the most beautiful rescue mission that I saw....and a representation of love between parents and their kids, and my parents with animals ;p I see God in nature.

What would you bring up to a helicopter?

2009-06-14T22:16:00.003+08:00

Its really been some time since I blogged! Life has been somewhat busy. I'm flying again on Wednesday from 17-24 June to Indonesia (Jakarta and Pontianak). I kind of like the "image" of being on the move and flying here and there, but deep inside me, part of me feels a little bit tired and lonely. Traveling can be quite lonely, and when I get touched about some people or things, I can only journal them down (if there's no one to share with, but yea, I am thankful for the different ones I've travelled with and the divine conversations). And also I can't sleep properly in a new place, I usually take some time to get used to it! I'm also thinking about the greenish looking water in the village that we use to bathe........

Sigh I have become so pampered! Was it a change? I find that the older I get, I get exposed to different things, and my "want" list increases. This year I bought Nike & Birkenstock shoes. Recently I tried Clinique products and I like them, so I got some from an online shop that sells it cheaper. I also have taken a liking to Bodyshop stuff like the White Musk shower gel is simply so luxurious! Last year I signed on the gym membership and personal training, and going to the gym has made me feel like my body is being so taken care of, and I give thanks that I get to enjoy such a luxury. And then food wise, it is hard to resist good food, and also I enjoy drinking (chilling) with friends, and a glass of beer costs a lot. Hmm...what else.. as the weather is so hot, I've started sleeping with the aircon on every night! Last night I went to this wedding dinner, and the food was so lavish, with lobster, sharksfin (literally pieces and pieces), scallops, birds nest etc.

Maybe like Paul...he is contented with much and with little? Not sure when it crosses the line. The gist is, I guess, taking all things as temporal. But yeah I am thankful each time I have much. And having said all this, I think it is still more blessed to be with loved ones than to have the gold and treasures of the earth. And also the realisation (not that I didn't know, it just became so apparent recently) that I am so well taken care of at home. Maybe it took my friends to have children before I realised the difficulties of raising a kid, caring for a baby etc. When I get home, my mum cooks wonderful meals and heats them up for me, I just have to eat and wash up. I always think my parents should get more involved in missions, but indirectly, they have supported missions by taking care of me and releasing me to travel so much. This I am so thankful for.

Recently i came across some really good resources from World Vision on teaching youths abt global issues and what the bible says about them. One of the questions they asked was, if there was a flood, what are the things u will bring to the roof top. What are the things you will bring up to the helicopter. To the helicopter I can think of my family ofcos, and all my identification cards like I/C, passport, and my hard disk & camera which contain a lot of info...most of my money is in the bank anyway. And to the rooftop, you know what....I think I may bring my books up, and some momentos that really mean a lot to me from people. Hmm. How about you? This ques helps to identify which are really really dear things to you!! Maybe it also depends how much time I have to bring these things up yea.

Random...blues...

2009-06-01T18:41:00.003+08:00

I've been feeling a bit disoriented and blue since I came back from Philippines..
I think partly it is cos I have been on a series of high activities like church retreat and philippines. And now that life has returned to normalcy, and the work emails start flooding in again, I'm feeling blue!! :(
There are a few issues hanging at work, that I don't know how to settle. I'm in need of God's grace to see me through.

The other reason for the low energy, I think is cos I've been sick. The doct gave me 2 days of MC cos she heard I had been traveling, so better to stay away from people. That was fri and sat. And since I don't have fever, and my cough is recovering, I think I am cleared!

The 2 days of rest suddenly gave me loads of time and space alone. And made me realise I have been running on full speed engine for the past few months, just one activity after the next! Including the relaxing activities, like gym, free massage etc etc, but nevertheless still running from one place to the next. And because I'm coughing, I decided to skip gym today on my off day. It makes me realise how much time gym actually takes up! 45 min travel & changing time, 1 hr 15min workout, 45 min clean up and travel back. Wah that's 2 hours 45 min! Almost half a day is gone of my free day..

Sunday was a super packed day, having to reach church at 830am for the IDT test which I think I did quite badly, cos of the cough mixture, I can't remember some of the memory verses. And then served as a welcomer. Church service, and then meeting on missions, cos am now serving in the missions pillar for young adults.

I know I'm sounding a bit whinny and complainy today. heh..actually there's nothing much to complain abt. =p Still in my lull mood. The hot weather makes me grumpy.

But yup, thankful for lunch with a good fren/ex colleague, and telephone call with a dear friend!

I can reach the heavens above (part 2)

2009-05-25T18:29:00.025+08:00

I have started taking an interest in photography. It was a gradual thing, as I enjoyed photo taking previously, but I think it built up one year ago as I got my own Canon IXUS (the colours really turn out nice, even if I use auto mode, and don't do any special setting. Not like I know how to do much special settings. ;) )
And secondly, because I travel so much, I try to take as many photos as possible to capture the essence of the feelings I get looking at the people and scenery.

I love taking the blue sky, white clouds, hills, mountains, lakes, children, and recently flowers. As much as possible, freeze that moment and bring it home, sigh, though a picture speaks a thousand words, yet it cannot totally bring back that moment.

Told a friend before, that sometimes, when I am looking at a beautiful sunset, I wished I had someone to share it with. I think it is the same for photos. Being able to share it with friends, or the stories behind the photos truly doubles the joy. So here are a few selections of the photos in Bohol, from my collection. ENJOY! =) (Click on the photos to see a bigger and expanded version)

I'm thinking of going for a course to learn more about photography. And someday, maybe I will get a SLR camera! If you know of any good part time courses, let me know!

I can reach the heavens above (part 1)

2009-05-24T22:13:00.007+08:00

I got back last night from Bohol! I had a very blessed trip. Even though I have been going to villages and rural areas for missions trips and work before, but this time it was different, because I was going as a sponsor with World Vision!

These are some of the things to give thanks for:

1. Empowerment of women and children
I left the place feeling encouraged, because I didn't feel like the people I met were pitiful or poor. They were empowered individuals. I met many of the community leaders who World Vision is training up to be leaders, and these are the people on the ground running the programmes and the projects. Many of these are volunteers, and they belong to the community receiving help.

Everyone I met had dignity in their eyes, and I know that after I leave and after World Vision leaves, development will continue there.

2. Hidden treasures within the children & youths
We met some of the "child leaders" as they call them. They hosted the programmes, sang for us, held the children's programmes. And I was touched at one point when these two youths sang this song titled "I Can". Part of the lyrics went like this:

I can live, I can love
I can reach the heavens above
I can right what is wrong
I can sing just any song
I can dance, I can fly
And touch the rainbow in the sky

The youth leader shared, that they are so blessed, of all the barangay (something like village), World Vision chose them. It touched my heart, that a sum of 45 dollar a month contribution meant so much to them. Call the contribution small, compared to how much we have in Singapore. But it made such an impact in their lives.

I was touched by the meaning behind the donation. That it meant more than an act of kindness. It meant seeds of hope for those in remote places/villages/forests. It meant helping to release the poor into their destiny. It meant empowerment. It meant releasing them to fulfill their potential. And of all places, God would choose to go to remote places to seek and find that which is lost.
If more people could be convicted that their 45 dollars meant so much, wouldn't we do much more?

3. Because God first loved
I know that my gift is small, and I can only love because God first loved me. It is not a coincidence, but each sponsor and child, God divinely matchmade together because He knows our needs and desires at different seasons in our lives.
I was encouraged that my love meant something when the people stood up to give us keychains and bracelets. I embraced this old lady -community leader who gave me my gift. I cried. Cos I felt so loved and appreciated, and the thankfulness that they expressed towards us. I know we blessed them by our presence and they had blessed us so much too with the genuinity of their hearts. I felt like saying, thank God, not me, because we did nothing. He is the source of love. At that moment, I felt God's deep sense of love. Love for the lost, the litle children.

4. It has come full circle
One of the child leaders - a 16 year old youth, gave me a white coloured rosary, which he said was something that meant a lot to him. And that he prayed that God will protect me, and I should hold the rosary in my hand because God will protect me.
It stirred up memories of the brown rosary - same design and all, given by my domestic helper, who shared Christ with me when I was 6 or 7 years old. I would put the rosary in my hand before I slept, dutifully, every night. I think it went on for a few years. Even though I was a child, and not a church goer back then, I prayed to God. And I believe that this full circle back, God reminded me that He was with me, from the very beginning. And He already knew what was ahead.

5. Surrender....
Surrendered to God. Some of the desires I still had. The difficulties I faced. The seemingly tough and lonely untreaded road ahead. And even though it is difficult, the reminder of the Father's love. The Father who unceasingly reaches out to everyone in the World, young and old, far and near, city and rural, rich or poor. The God who holds all things in His hands.

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Lastly, I pray that you would consider sponsoring a child. 45 dollars may mean nothing to you, or just a little pinch, or a little less savings in your bank, or 2-3 less meals at restaurants. But it means a world of a difference to a child. (Even at the risk of sounding very cliche, but I really never knew what it meant, until I went on this trip)

http://www.worldvision.org.sg/st_sponsorchild.php

Some photos and videos to follow...videos are taking super long to upload!! Grr.

Greetings from Bohol!

2009-05-20T22:17:00.001+08:00

Greetings from Bohol, Philippines! =) Using internet in the hotel.
Couldn't resist checking my email, and yup, as suspected, my inbox is flooded. Ignore! **

Seeing my kid tmr...
Meanwhile, it has been a good rest so far, and reflecting abt stuff.

Back on Saturday evening.

Blessings

We can do no great things, only small things with great love - Mother Teresa

2009-05-12T22:22:00.004+08:00

As I was preparing a presentation for some polytechnic students today, this quote by Mother Teresa came to my mind:
We can do no great things, only small things with great love

One of the reasons why I feel more rested now, is because I have started adopting this philosophy unknowingly.

When I first got into NGO work, I was upset because the vision/mission varied so far from reality. And I looked to others to give me answers, especially my bosses.
The ground is very hard. There's stress from all ends, sometimes there is a tension between meeting the needs of the employees, the beneficiaries, the trippers, the volunteers etc.

So I got pretty stressed up and upset over these things.

As time passed, I realised the limitations of everyone, and bosses don't have all the answers. Thankful that I am finally able to accept some grey areas. And yeah, I celebrated my one year anniversary in non profit work on the 2 of May! =) Clap Clap..

I wonder how many years there are to come. But I am really starting to find that I am getting paid for something I really like to do. Increasingly, as I understand things better, I am convicted that lifeskills and literacy skills matter a lot, and even though it is so hard to find resources to support the training, what we have right now is really good, and we need to continue to work on it.

Seeing things in small pieces, and looking to the vision which may be fulfilled in a few years times really help. I wish the vision can be fulfilled the next day, and all the systems/processes/syllabus/programmes/committees are all set in place. But that really takes a lot of time, effort, hardwork, and prayer to work.

Though I still meet nasty and weird people. Should try and ignore them...

I am so humbled, and am starting to pray more for each project.

And today, I got to share about our work with some psychology and community service students! Its the second time I got to interact directly with students, and not through a teacher. I enjoyed seeing their interested and inquisitve faces a lot, absorbing what I had to share. =)

-----------------------------

I'm going to Philippines on Sunday (17/5) to Sat (23/5). I got some chocs & souvenirs for the family, and a jacket and a Mighty Warrior children's bible for my kid (sponsored through world vision)! =) I felt so happy carrying the big bags of gifts home. Its such a blessing to be able to give to others! This may be the only time I get to meet my kid, Buboy in my lifetime, so yup, giving him the best. Hope that its not too extravagant.

Here's a pict of the cool jacket and bible and misc gifts. I really found the jacket super cool! But then I realise that it is for kids 1.50 m tall (12 years old), but when I got home to check, my kid was only 1.22m tall 2 years ago. I hope he can fit into it now that he is 11 years old.

----------------------------

It feels a bit strange to be not worried by something...O well. Actually the stress level is still there. But yup, thankful for lots of things and looking forward to traveling!!

It's making sense

2009-05-07T22:15:00.003+08:00

Things have been great, felt refreshed and strengthed by the Breakthrough weekend at Johor over the last weekend.
New things are happening at work, there's a new atmosphere of lightness and cohesiveness.
On the home front, parents went overseas, so sis and I have the house to ourselves! It has been more bz doing housework and all, but also a good time of being by ourselves.

Overall, everything has been good. And my spirits have been really uplifted. My mind has been cleared...and I am rethinking about life again. Those desires on the inside arising again, the passion for life....

Looking back at all that happened, and it all makes sense now. :) Why I had to go through certain things, how certain events shaped me...and what I am perhaps created to do.

For now, one step at a time.

Rest =0

2009-04-28T11:57:00.002+08:00

I'm at home today. Off in lieu for my work trip over Sunday. =) Sent out a few urgent emails just now, and there's still things to do. But decided to just rest at home and do stuff with myself today. Yay!!!! Might make a trip to the beach later... Or get a hair cut...or go to the bank....

Slept lots yesterday too, and went to the gym for a good workout....

Looking forward to tmr's Breakthrough Weekend at Pulai Springs in Johor. All the way until Saturday.

Before the world rushes in again...

2009-04-22T20:36:00.002+08:00

...I want to stop and say I love You

Before the day
by Newsong

Last night while I was sleeping, You were watching over me
While I dreamt about tomorrow, You knew my every need

Now another day is waiting, For me to make it through
And there is no way that I can face it without You

CHORUS
Before the day slips away, I want to stop and say I love You, I love You
Before the world rushes in again
I want to stop and say, There is none above You
There is none above You
I just be still and know that you are God, Be still and know that you are God

There is something about the morning, The stillness of it all
That cause my heart to hear You, When You gently call
Now another day is waiting, For me to make it through
There is no way that I can face it without You

Here I am in your presence, Where I long to be
Alone with you in the silence
Rain down your love and your mercy, Whisper softly to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNt_4JE992s

Flying and flying around..

2009-04-21T21:34:00.005+08:00

Its crazy that things are just starting to build up and get busy, as events run back to back.
For these 2 days, I am helping out at a conference organized by Greenleaf Asia, which is GB's social enterprise arm. And we have to reach Orchid Country Club at Yishun by 730am! Its rather stressful as I am in charged of ushering, but thank God for the provision of someone experienced to advice me...

2 days back in office on Thur and Fri to clear emails, since I'm away from office, and Sat night I am flying to Jakarta with my boss for an urgent meeting. Back on Sunday night.

Wednesday I am going to Breakthrough weekend - a church camp, at Johor. And back on the next Saturday (2/5). And then on 3/5 I may need to go to Cambodia, to bring a partner there.
Yeah, and on the 17/5 I will be at Philippines to visit my sponsored kid with World Vision. =)

Heh....I kinda feel stressed looking at the schedule, I feel its like super hectic. But strangely it gives me a very weird adrenaline rush. Like...I actually feel quite happy to be going different places, doing different things, meeting different people.

These 2 days of conference....tho, has taken up some of my Monday off days for planning, has been some sort of a good time off away from my desk, to meet new people, esp the Greenleaf volunteers.

I've been meeting a lot of godly and more elderly women...and have to overcome my fear of dealing with authority figures, esp strong women figures...

Couldn't sleep last night....maybe slept about 3 hrs....as my brain was functioning at high speed at night.

----------------------------------------------

Maybe...there's not much time to process too much. But I managed to jot these thoughts down a few days ago in my journal.

Love is not merely the happy feeling of seeing someone. It is not just the chemistry. It is not just that romantic feeling of having someone say sweet things. It is not that mad rush to be together. It is not just that desire to hold someone.
It is that plus...getting to know someone as a friend. It is thinking with the head, observing if the person is worthy of opening up one's heart to. It is observing one in the group context, the integrity and the constancy of a person. And...if things still hold after a lifetime.......maybe we can consider love.

When I run, I feel His pleasure

2009-04-15T23:12:00.005+08:00

I have been going to the gym, trying to go about twice a week. When I first signed up for the gym, I wanted to join the cardio step board and pilates classes, cos I attended the lunch time classes back in GIC. And the rates were pretty reasonable. Then I started running on the threadmill, and with much encouragement from the trainer, I improved on my distance and timings.

Running 10 min or even 2km was pretty painful at the start. But now I am running the minimum of 2km, and sometimes up to 20 min and 3km. =) The speed keeps improving, and I am actually starting to enjoy it! As I run, I pray, and I clear my thoughts. It makes me feel very happy to have this personal time. And I think running has taught me many things about perseverance. ;p

Told someone that going to the gym, makes me feel I'm in control, while rest of my life are not in control.

In control...as I see the timings improving, my legs getting thinner, and the muscles building on my arms and shoulders.

Out of control...cos I am not able to control how people treat me, the circumstances that happen, the external stressors...

------------------------------------------

But are other things really not within my control? I've been reading books on boundary setting, the need for separation and attachment with people. The books say that when we fail to set boundaries, sometimes we blame others for our pain, and we think we are victims who are not in control. On the contrary, we can learn to say no to others. I've taken some steps to say no at certain times, and even though I feel a tinge of guilt, I know that these are good steps to take. There is actually healthy withdrawal! That helps us to love others better. =)

P/S. I actually thought of this quote by Eric Liddell "When I run, I feel His pleasure", who was an olympics runner and missionary.

In a lot of ways.."running" can be applied to other gifts and inclinations that God has given to us. We feel pleasure when we do what we were gifted to do.

下一个天亮

2009-04-12T23:35:00.003+08:00

Heh,
I watched Campus Superstar the whole night today with my mum. It was kinda fun watching it with her and making remarks abt the contestants.

One of the songs really touched my heart. I think Jarrod really performed it very well. And it brought out the meaning behind the song.

Got me really emo...
As I have been having flash backs and memories of the past. Some of the memories are really lovely and sweet. And today I fished out a card from my wallet that I didn't even realise was there, written to me by someone who loved me.

And then I realise that during different seasons in my life, there were special people who understood me, and stood by me. And somehow, some of them left my life and moved on. But that doesn't negate the happy memories of the past. ;p And how these ones have been there for me at those difficult moments, holding my hand, or giving me a shoulder to cry on, or writing me a card to encourage me.

Guess I really liked the hope & positivity in the song too. Cos, there will definitely be a dawn the next day. =)

Okay I guess I am extrapolating some stuff that are not really from the song. But things I have been thinking about anyway.

I am waiting for the next Dawn....

郭静 - 下一个天亮

用起伏的背影挡住哭泣的心
有些故事不必说给每个人听
许多眼睛看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见那个自己

用简单的言语解开超载的心
有些情绪是该说给懂的人听
你的热泪比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力更有勇气

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

Kudos to Friends

2009-04-06T12:15:00.005+08:00

I'm kinda happy that life has some how gotten back to that happy pace...
Its a season (and moment) in my life whereby I don't feel angsty, feel thankful and somewhat hopeful. =)
I hope it won't just last a moment, but it will last a long time.

Things are somewhat going at a good pace at church, and yeah, ministries I'm serving in are starting to bear fruit, as I see lives being changed.
With the veil lifted, I kind of can give thanks for where God has placed me at work. In a position of influence, to reach out to women and children in Asia. To be part of community development projects, empower and touch lives.

I'm starting to enjoy friendships. A friend told me- sometimes, what we are simply looking for is Friends, and not a mate. That statement made me ponder a lot. I've maybe unconsciously overlooked the role and importance of friends in my life. Having someone to be there for you, a friend to walk long distances with, to talk abt anything under the sun, and to pray together. That kind of resonance with another person- deep and lasting friendship.
There's things that a mate can do with you that a friend can't ofcos. But for now, I'm giving thanks for friends.

We had our JC gathering on Sat night, and we went for KTV! I haven't gone for maybe a year, and it was nice singing and laughing together with my ex-classmates of a decade. =) In a sense- a "friend" is so loosely defined, that we call anyone our friend. Whereas a "friend" in its truest sense encompasses so much more. Of inputting and giving into each others lives. I am blessed to have a few friends from my JC class.

C.S. Lewis deferentiates friends from companions...maybe i will elaborate another time. But friends.....X tells Y abt something, and Y goes, yes, I feel the same way too! And X and Y start becoming friends....

Yest I had dinner with a small grp of church friends too, cos it was someone's bday. We had dinner at 5 Star Chicken Rice at Upper Bukit Timah. Yeah...so far for a eastie like me. After that we had icecream at Sunset Way- Daily Scoops. Trust me, I never knew the existance of these places until I started attending CEFC. But it was again a nice time of laughing and sharing over dinner. And I'm thankful for friendships built over the past 2 years plus in church =)

Yeah...so in that sense....I'm in a happy place. I really need FRIENDS!

The dark shroud

2009-04-03T16:54:00.001+08:00

The dark shroud that veiled my mind got lifted up. I feel hope arising in my heart once again. :)
I'm Thankful.
A heart operation. It seems. A replacing of the jaded heart with a young heart. Being able to dream once again makes me feel alive. Makes me feel liberated.
Realise there are different options to go by.
Realise I'm not stuck in my situation.
Realise that I need not live in defeat.

Christ has brought light and He is victorious.

Each day is a daily surrender of ones thoughts to the Cross. The Cross life, comes with pain. It also comes with joy and liberty.

I pray that this remains!

While I'm waiting

2009-03-31T10:52:00.004+08:00

My sis bought the Fireproof DVD, and I watched it yesterday with my mum.
I kinda liked the movie, though I found the front part a bit preachy.
But there was a question asked- who would be able to keep loving, and get rejected? It was a good reminder of Christ who loved us while we were sinners, and He has kept loving us.
It brought to mind the question of what Love means, and what loving someone really means.
I liked this song, cos it really spoke to me.

While I’m Waiting
Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24
John Waller

"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait.
Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

I could not love thee, if I loved not honour more

2009-03-23T18:57:00.003+08:00

Just a short continuation to the previous post...
Read more of C.S. Lewis's Four Loves, and one statement caught my eye:
"I could not love thee, if I loved not honour more" by a poet.

At once, I could grasp the parallel. That I could not love (X), if I loved not God more.
Loving X, is because I loved God much more.

C.S. Lewis says that it is not exactly christian to love with a protectionistic stance.
"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken and if He chooses this is the way in which they should break, so be it."

This is a certain sort of liberation I think. To think that it is more of the "smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinancy."

It is true that someone said.....God knows all our desires. The key is not to deny those desires. It is to surrender the desires to God.

I hope I'm making sense, and that I didn't misquote C.S. Lewis in any manner. His book is too "chim", and its hard to actually express in totality the points that he brought out.

Love and the Pain of Leaving

2009-03-21T10:56:00.003+08:00

Should I or should I not love?

"Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.

Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking."

Henri Nouwen

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. Lewis

Whether it is choosing to love someone in a relationship, or to love someone in ministry, it requires one to be vulnerable and to give of oneself to another. Sometimes...we grow tired in ministry and disillusioned and jaded, cos we have given, and it's painful when what we have given is perceived as unreciprocrated. Or we have given, and it seems like there is no point in giving. We then numb ourselves so as to hide from the pain of rejection. We pretend that we don't care.

One thing I realise though, in order to love others properly, we ought to know that we are loved by God, greatly precious and valued by Him. Because we have the right perspective of ourselves, we know that we should be treated rightly by others. And to learn to say no, when boundaries are crossed. To love oneself enough to be able to say no.

Its such a thin line to thread on though. When is loving a person enough? How does one know that one has crossed beyond the boundary, such that loving others becomes harmful to oneself? I guess....when loving others becomes a means to receive love, rather than being able to love out of a sense of security of who you are in Christ. Does it make any sense?

The Invitation

2009-03-17T09:24:00.002+08:00

I found this poem on Irwin's blog and I really liked it, so here goes:

The Invitation
- by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Doing some merciless thinking

2009-03-16T21:40:00.003+08:00

Heh...I have been kind of missing from my Blog for some time =) Shall post some thoughts here...
I guess I have been pretty distracted by some issues for the past 2 weeks, and the complication keeps going round and round in my head. Another thing- Fear abt the future, has made me feel rather incapactitated. I am after all, quite a "feeling" person, and often my moods affect me much more than I really hope them to.
Though, during this time, I treasure the deep and comforting presence of God & His Spirit more than ever. If He is all that I got, I cling on to Him.

Watched Watchmen today. Not the type of show that I will usually watch, but watched it with a friend cos he wanted to watch it. And it actually turned out pretty good!
I liked the part whereby the miracle of life was being described by Dr Manhatten. He says it is like air turning into gold. Indeed, the preciousness of life.
It was depressing looking at all the crime scenes. I also thought about justice and who determines justice? What happens when justice ends up in the hands of people? Individuals have their own sense of right and wrong. And something is wrong when you take matters into your own hands, because in the process of seeking justice, you end up like the very people who are performing the attrocities.
It speaks also of the hiding behind masks....that we all do. Its easier to be a superhero behind a mask. We all wear masks, its easier to do that then to deal with whats really on the inside.

I'm kind of like sleepy so I hope that I am making sense.

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Work hasn't been that busy, and in the quietness of the office, I actually (gasp) have time to reflect and to think. The ironic thing is that sometimes thinking about issues is so scary that I've not managed to think too much. Its stressful to be on the reactive mode all the time- as I had been doing for the past 9 months or so. And when the dust settles down, and its just me, and the computer and the quiet office, the silence sometimes scares me. Forces me to really think on the inside, what really really should be done. And in the silences think about my own life, what I really really want. And then to pause, and realise, gosh, God- where are you in the picture? What do YOU really really want with the ministry and the work?

Without a vision the people will perish. There is no hope when people are like just moving round and round in circles. And I feel that even though it is painful to face the truth sometimes, it is important to mercilessly do some thinking about issues and life. Then.....we can move forward and deal with them...

Thankful for the guidance of a few people here and there to support and show me the way. Maybe the above, doesn't just relate to work, but relates to ministry, to relationships...to everything in life. =O
That quiet place of aloneness. To redefine oneself over and over again....
To face the fears on the inside.
To not be afraid to deal with the darkness.
And this thinking...I'm afraid, only happens in solitude, when one is alone....When the distractions and fearful thoughts are put away, one thinks clearly.

Of Rainbows and Covenants

2009-02-27T17:13:00.001+08:00

Saw a beautiful rainbow in the sky on Wed night. =) What a sight! It caused all the shoppers along Orchard Road to pause and take photos or look at the Rainbow.
We city dwellers don't get to see much of other beautiful natural sights!

Rainbow is a sign of God's Covenant. We also make covenants with people in relationships. What does a commitment and a covenant entail?

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Watched Slum Dog Millionaire on Wed. My goodness....the kind of conditions that the kids went through, scavenging for rubbish in the slum areas. Same conditions I recall at Cambodia, at Philippines. And I see these kids begging for money when I am a tourist in different cities. We think some of these kids are scums or thieves or pitiful, but we hardly see them as individuals. Each with a past, a family and a story.

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Learning to love people. When I say I love migrant workers, what does this mean? Or when I love people in China? Etc. etc. I find that I need to have more love. How is it that it is so difficult these days to share my faith with others or to pause and talk to them. How do I move from seeing the multitudes to seeing the indvidual? How do I move from pity to love?

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3 interns in the office have been a blessing. 2 of them are from RGS, tho they are 8 years my juniors. heh. I feel like a girl gang leader, going for lunch with them etc. I miss peers in the office. But thank God for providing 3 of them to help out with work. They bring so much cheer and hope into the office.

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Felt a bit down today. And I met J, one of the volunteers. She started asking me abt the work in Aceh. I was feeling overwhelmed by problems in the ministry (esp Aceh), plus other personal issues. Wow, and God provided me with someone to talk to. She prayed with me.
Next thing another partner called me and also shared words of encouragement with me.

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So yeah, I definitely believe in rainbows, and God's covenant love. He has shown me so much of His love through work in GB. May I learn to love, as He has first loved. To love Him, to love him, to love her, to love myself.

Resonance

2009-02-20T10:25:00.002+08:00

That elusive sense of restedness, as one gets bombarded by emails, calls and deadlines.
It comes when I realise that I am loved & secured & known.
And...this is what I have been searching for. ;p

When one is secured, one loves others better. As the lenses are no longer coloured, and one is able to let go and allow others the freedom of expressing themselves. Even if their behaviours are different from yours.

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I have been enjoying long walks at Bedok Reservoir and ECP. I like to be next to the water, to see the glistening reflection of the moon or the sun on the waters. Most of all, to talk freely about God, nature, books, songs. Bliss is when the deepest heart cry resonates with another.

Taking a pause

2009-02-11T15:58:00.003+08:00

heh haven't been blogging for awhile..
Work is building up again in the office as March Holidays approach, and there are multiple teams going to do community service.
My email inbox is flooded again with loads of emails!
The thing is, the more busy I am, the more I find difficulty in concentrating on each task, and the more I want to chat with people, and do other interesting things. ;P

Life is a little overcrowded with so many things! And this sounds like a line from many of my other blog entries.

I was sorting my pile of letters on Monday and as I was filing something, I stumbled across this certificate of acknowledgement from Singapore Children's Society. And then I recalled during sec 2, I was in the interact club and I made weekly trips to Bukit Merah to give tuition to a pri school girl. Had to walk for a long time from the MRT and climb up a slope of stairs. Remember buying her stickers and sweets. That triggered memories of me in sec 3 and 4 when I went to Jervois Special School to teach the youths there as well. :) I bought marbles to teach counting. We also did craft work with them. Heh..

Its good to remember the meaningful things you did. To pause and take stock of life. Otherwise its just continuous running and running.....

Alrighty, back to my running............

Gentle Kindness

2009-02-03T17:53:00.002+08:00

Today I experienced the kindness of some people. :)
And I thought of how this is a glimpse of God's love. And the Holy Spirit who guides me gently. The tenderness of God's love :)

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Few days ago while I was walking, the wind wrapped around me. And I thought to myself, "I was embraced by the wind". It was nature/or God's way of loving me :) The sun, the breeze, and the sky above me.

happy lunar new year!

2009-01-28T23:42:00.003+08:00

Happy Lunar New Year one and all..
Happy Niu Year!!!

It was a luxurious long 4 day break and it was nice. Just gyming, reading, watching tv, spending time with my family. :) It was strangely nice to just rest.

1 week ago, shirley smsed me, and asked if I was willing to surrender to God my desire! And I was like....how does that work?

But meditating on God's love has been good. And I hope that He fills up my heart with His love..
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It was difficult dealing with the "loss" of my fave colleague, as we bid farewell last thursday. :( Today the office was really quiet like a ghost town. I had a meeting for the whole morning, after that I stuck to my desk. The image of my fave colleague walking in with his snoopy cup and flask is so vivid! Sigh.

This is just a really random ranting post!

But yup I am thankful for all He has blessed me with.....And trusting Him that all things good come from Him!!
Not hurrying as the bible will say...but waiting...and trusting... in time, He will reveal all things..